“Thanks,” Todd said. “See you tomorrow.”
Todd reached for Christy’s hand and led her out the back door and across the patio. They slipped off their shoes and dug their toes into the sand, running hand in hand down to the water.
Even though it was late, other people were out, riding bikes, walking along the beach, and hanging out on their patios, talking and laughing. Some partied with the music cranked up. None of this was unusual for a weekend in a beach community. The only thing a little out of the ordinary was the moon.
It was full, but not tinted the icy blue of winter and spring. Tonight it glowed with an amber hue. It hung right in the middle of the night sky, reflecting off the ocean. The face of the man in the moon appeared to be jovial, about to burst with some secret he hid behind his back.
Christy knew what the secret was. The tawny, golden promise of summer. She couldn’t wait.
Todd and Christy stood close together, their feet burrowed in the cold sand at the edge of the foaming night waves. The water rushed up to tickle their ankles and then ran away before anyone could catch it in its game. Todd looped his thick arm around Christy’s shoulders and rested his face against the top of her head.
“Oh, Kilikina,” he whispered into her hair, “it feels so good to be with you, to hold you. You’re in my thoughts day and night. I hold you in my heart.”
This was not how Todd usually talked. Something deep inside Christy felt like weeping for joy. She had yearned to hear Todd say these things to her. She had waited a long time. And now it seemed as if she had only met him yesterday, and they would be together forever. She wanted to turn around, look him in the face, and say, “Todd, I love you.”
But the memory of something Todd had said once stopped her. He had said he thought men should be the initiators, and women should be the responders. Christy knew that if the words “I love you” were ever to be spoken between them, they needed to come from Todd first.
She did her best to keep a guard on her heart. “I love being here with you.” she said, nestling her head against his shoulder.
She felt like praying, the way Todd always did. In a rare, bold move, Christy spoke to her heavenly Father, sending her words into the night winds.
“Father, You made the heavens and the earth and all that is in them. You are such an awesome God! Thank You for making this perfect moon and this perfect night and for letting us be together.” She was about to whisper her “Amen.” when a strong, clear thought came to her. Without questioning it, she added, “And Father, please prepare us both for what You have planned for our lives. We want to serve You and honor You in whatever You want us to do. Amen.”
“Amen,” Todd added, kissing Christy on the top of her head. “I’m going to get up early to go surfing tomorrow morning. You want to come with me?”
Christy couldn’t believe Todd could switch gears so quickly. “Sure. When?”
“Around six. Will that give you enough sleep?”
Still startled by his abrupt switch, Christy said, “Six is fine. Where do you want me to meet you?”
“Out on Bob’s patio.” He released her from his hug and reached for her hand, slipping his fingers in between hers. “Ready to head back?”
“Okay.” She wasn’t really. She could have stood wrapped up in Todd’s arms for hours watching the moon, listening to the waves, feeling the cool water on her ankles, and dreaming with her eyes open.
They walked hand in hand back to Bob and Marti’s patio, where Todd stopped and planted his feet in the sand. He turned Christy around so she faced him. Taking her face in both of his hands, he tilled her head up and looked into her eyes without saying a word. What did she read in his silver-blue eyes? Something powerful and intensely honest. Something stronger than she had ever seen before.
What did Todd read in her eyes? Did he see in her, as she had seen in the moon, a promise of summer, all warm and glowing with hope?
With a kiss as tender as rose petals across her lips, Todd said softly, “Meet me right here when the sun comes up.”
“I’ll be here,” Christy promised. “Right here.”
Todd let go. It seemed a hard thing for him to do.
Christy opened the back door and then locked it before quietly tiptoeing up the stairs to her prepared guest room. With a smile still on her freshly kissed lips, she set the alarm for 5:30 a.m.
The irriating buzzer seemed to be going off inside Christy’s head. She turned over in bed and woke up fully. realizing the noise was coming from her alarm clock.
She squinted to see the time. “Five-thirty? What was I thinking when I set this noisy thing for five-thirty?” And then she remembered. With a clear purpose and distinct joy, Christy rolled out of bed and let her now-singing heart lead her reluctant, weary body into the shower.
The next time she checked the clock, it was 6:01 and she was ready. Quietly padding down the stairs, she left her prepared note on the entry table by the front door. Once before she had left for an early morning walk on the beach without telling anyone and had worried her aunt and uncle. That wouldn’t happen this time.
Slipping out the back door and scanning the patio, her heart sank when she found no sign of Todd.
Maybe my clock is a little fast. Or maybe he’s running behind. I know he wouldn’t go out without me.
Christy made her way across the patio, her bare feet feeling the brunt of the concrete’s coldness. She walked to where she and Todd had stood last night and where he had said to meet him. Christy searched for that exact spot. And there she stood, straight and tall, unmovable, eagerly scanning the horizon for a glimpse of Todd or his orange surfboard. She found neither.
Since Todd lived so close, she knew he would be walking. So she kept her eyes fixed to the left, the direction from which he would be coming. A few early risers were scattered here and there across the wide beach. It was a clear, chilly, glorious spring morning.
A guy with a white surfboard under his arm came riding by on a wide-tire beach bike. He did a double take when he noticed Christy standing there like a statue, so purposeful and yet, she suspected, so silly-looking.
She gave up the fantasy of waiting on the exact spot and took a seat at the patio table, facing the south and waiting.
Her feet were cold. She thought about going inside to put on some shoes and socks. Then when she came back, Todd might be standing there waiting for her. She hurried inside, grabbed her shoes and socks, slipped quietly downstairs, and went out the back door. Still no Todd. Now she was worried. The clock in her room had said 6:20.
Maybe I misunderstood. He must have said six-thirty, and I thought he said six. Hell be here any minute. Brrr! I’d love a cup of hot tea to warm up my hands.
Thinking she had ten more minutes, Christy went back inside, made herself and Todd some tea, and carried the mugs outside, one in each hand. Still no Todd. She sat down at the patio table and placed Todd’s tea in front of the empty chair. Wrapping her fingers around her hot mug, she blew at the steam rising off the top and took a tiny sip. This experience was too painfully familiar. She had been through these kinds of ups and downs with Todd before.
After last night, Christy had felt certain she would never be left guessing where she stood with him again. She was in his heart. He had said so. He wouldn’t forget and leave her. He couldn’t.
Christy waited a few more minutes before taking the next sip. She looked down into the mug and saw a dark reflection of her doubt-filled eyes. There was something penetrating about seeing her own reflection. It was as if she was facing her own thoughts.
Let go.
The thought came to her as clearly as if it had been spoken aloud. Immediately she responded with a silent prayer.
You’re right, Lord. I’m holding on to these fears and doubts when I should be holding on to You. I do let go now. I want to embrace Your truth.
She breathed in a fresh peace and looked up. Todd was standing there.
“Hi.” he said. He looked aw
ful.
“Are you okay?” Christy put down her mug and stood up.
“Yeah, sure. Fine.” Todd answered.
“Do you want some tea? I just made it. It’s still hot.”
“Thanks.” Todd leaned his surfboard up against the lounge chair and sat down in the chair next to Christy. His wet suit made a slippery rubber sound as he slid onto the vinyl chair pad. “I like tea,” Todd said.
“Me too,” Christy said, taking a sip and studying Todd’s eyes. He hadn’t looked directly at her yet.
“What is it?” Christy asked, leaning forward and placing her hand on top of Todd’s. He responded by grasping her hand and entwining his fingers with hers. He squeezed her hand tightly. Almost too tightly. Then lifting her hand to his lips, he kissed her hand twice before placing it gently back on the table.
Forcing a smile, he looked at her. “Ask me again later, okay?” He took a sip of tea and looked into his mug, as if scrutinizing his reflection the way Christy had.
Ask you again later? When? In five minutes? In five months? What’s wrong, Todd? I want to know now.
Christy remembered feeling this same way with Katie in the school parking lot when Katie wouldn’t tell her what was wrong. Todd had advised Christy to wait until Katie was ready to talk. He said the test of true love was found not in our trying to hold our friends tighter but in the strength to let them go. Christy would now, with great determination, apply Todd’s advice to his own situation. She couldn’t begin to imagine what was wrong.
They walked down to the water with their arms around each other. She had never felt him hold on to her this closely before. They stopped at the crest in the dry sand, right before it turned wet from the persistent morning tide.
Todd scanned the water and then let go of Christy. He reached for the leash at the end of his board and pulled apart the Velcro strap. It sounded like fabric ripping. Todd fastened the leash to his ankle and zipped his wet suit up to his chin. Then marching down to the water, he walked right into the first wave, ducking under and getting himself soaked before bobbing up, shaking the wet from his hair, and mounting his surfboard. He paddled out to a cluster of about a dozen other surfers and took his place sitting on his board with his legs dangling in the water.
This is hard, Christy thought. How long will I have to wait before he tells me what’s bothering him? I thought I had Todd all figured out. and now this morning, I feel like I don’t even know him.
For the next half hour, Christy watched, prayed, and waited. Todd caught maybe three waves during that whole time. There weren’t very many big ones, and Christy knew enough about surfer etiquette to know that Todd would never cut off another guy if he took the wave first. She felt relieved and a tiny bit nervous when she realized he had caught a wave and was riding it all the way to shore.
Todd emerged from the water, scooped his board under his arm, and jogged up to where Christy sat. When he was still several yards away, he stopped, tilted his head back, and shook his sun-bleached hair. She had watched him shake out his hair like that a dozen times. Watching him now, it made Todd seem familiar once again.
“I made a decision.” Todd planted his board upright in the sand and sat next to Christy in the sand. He reached over and took her hand. She responded by slipping her small hand into his cold one and giving it a squeeze. Todd’s thumb rested on Christy’s gold ID bracelet, and she could feel him instinctively rub his thumb back and forth over the word “Forever” engraved on the bracelet.
With his gaze fixed out on the ocean, Todd squinted his eyes against the brilliant blue. Turning back to face Christy, he looked directly at her. Now the brilliant blue was in his eyes.
“Kilikina, I made a decision.” He paused. “You know that letter you showed me last night in the van? I opened it when I got home. It was from a mission organization. You see. I wrote to them last summer and sent in an application for a short-term mission assignment. Three to four years. They wrote back to tell me I was accepted. They want me there in two weeks.”
For Christy, it was as if the whole world had just stopped. She couldn’t hear the waves or feel the ocean breeze on her face. All she heard were Todd’s words frozen in the air between them. She couldn’t think or feel or breathe.
“I was pretty amazed,” Todd went on. “Everything appears to be set up and ready for me to walk right into the position after the training. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”
Christy could feel the numbing effect of Todd’s words begin to thaw. As it did, she felt as if a thousand needles were piercing her heart.
Todd took a deep breath. He let go of Christy’s hand and turned to face her more squarely. He leaned closer and said, “I prayed all night. I didn’t sleep at all. When I thought about leaving you, it tore me up inside. When I thought about staying, I had peace. That’s how I knew what my decision was. I’m going to call them on Monday and tell them I can’t take the position.”
“You’re going to what?” Christy couldn’t believe she had heard correctly.
“I’m turning it down. I can’t go now. Not with us being so close. A year ago I could have gone. Six months ago, maybe. But not now. It’s like I told you at Disneyland, I’ve never had anybody. Now I have you. I don’t take that lightly. You are God’s gift to me. Kilikina. I can’t leave you. Not now. Not ever.”
Christy closed her eyes and caught her breath. Her heart was pounding wildly. This whole conversation seemed like a bizarre dream. She tried to take in all that Todd had said. She felt relieved that he had made his decision based on what would be best for them. She couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from him any more than he apparently could stand the idea of being away from her. But did he mean it deep down inside?
“Todd, are you absolutely sure? You’ve always wanted to be a missionary.”
“And I’ve always wanted—” Todd paused, searching for the right words—“well, I’ve always wanted other things too.”
“Todd, are you sure you want to give up this opportunity?” Christy asked, looking him in the eye.
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“And you’re giving it up because of me or because of us?”
A smile crept onto Todd’s face, causing his dimple to appear on his right cheek. Christy had never seen him look so vulnerable. “Yes. because of you, because of us. You mean more to me than anything, Kilikina.” Then he leaned over and kissed her.
When he drew away, Christy could taste the salt on her lips. She had tasted the salt of her own tears before, but she wasn’t prepared for the taste of ocean water in his kiss. It seemed different than any of Todd’s other kisses. This had a bit of a sting to it.
“Come on,” Todd said, standing up and offering Christy his hand. “Let’s get some breakfast. We have the whole day to spend together. What would you like to do?”
Christy rose to her feet and brushed the sand off her backside. “I don’t know. Give me a minute here. This whole thing has hit me by surprise. First, I imagined all the possible things that could be bothering you, then you tell me you’ve been offered a position with a mission for three to four years, and then you say you’re not going. It’s a bit much for me to digest in one bite.”
“You’re right,” Todd said. “I had all night to think it over. I feel so relieved that I told you. I wasn’t going to. I was going to act like I’d never received the letter. I’m glad I told you.”
Christy couldn’t exactly say the same.
When they reached Bob and Marti’s, Todd hosed off his board and wet suit and left them to dry on the patio.
“Do you think Bob would mind if I borrowed a pair of shorts and a T-shirt?” Todd indicated the stack of freshly laundered clothes lying on the dryer in the laundry room.
“I’m sure it would be fine; you know how easygoing Uncle Bob is.”
Helping himself to a pair of khaki shorts and a white T-shirt, Todd went into the downstairs bathroom to shower and change.
Apparently Bob and Marti wer
en’t up yet. The house was still quiet. Christy noticed it was almost eight o’clock.
Todd emerged from the bathroom and joined Christy in the kitchen. “Do you want to eat here or go out?”
“Let’s stay here,” Christy suggested. “Does cereal sound okay?” She pulled two boxes from the cupboard.
“Sure.” Todd opened the refrigerator and pulled out a gallon of milk. “Is it okay if we eat by the TV?”
“I guess,” Christy said.
“Didn’t you grow up watching Saturday morning cartoons while you ate your cereal?”
“No, we weren’t allowed to eat in the living room.”
“Must be one of the advantages of being an only child raised by one parent who was never home. There weren’t too many things I wasn’t allowed to do.”
Christy and Todd carefully carried their cereal bowls into the den and switched on the TV with the volume low so they wouldn’t wake anyone up. Christy finished eating first and placed her empty bowl on the floor. Then she grabbed one of her grandmother’s crocheted blankets out of the basket by the wall and stretched out on the plush love seat. She curled up with a pillow under her head. With heavy eyelids and a heart full of emotions, Christy tried to pay attention to the cartoon while listening to Todd’s rhythmic crunch of cereal. Before long, Todd’s crunching ceased, and Christy gave in to the sleep dust that had collected on her eyelids. She couldn’t possibly keep her eyes open when her lids weighed so much.
Aunt Marti’s voice woke Christy some time later. Christy lifted her still-groggy head and looked around for Marti’s location. She was standing directly behind the love seat. “How long have you two been sleeping here?” Marti wanted to know.
“I don’t know,” Christy mumbled. She noticed Todd was asleep too, stretched out on the couch. He had slept through Marti’s entrance.
“Shh,” Christy said, pressing her finger to her lips. “He didn’t get much sleep last night.”
“And why was that?”
“It’s a long story,” Christy said.
Christy Miller Collection, Vol 4 Page 24