by E. L. Todd
“Alright. If you’re going to ask me to be your baby’s godmother, you know my answer is yes.”
“No, not that. Come on, you think I’d ask you that over the phone?”
“I don’t know. Do we need to do anything dramatic when we talk every single day?”
“Probably not, but come on, I’m more romantic than that.”
I chuckled. “Could you imagine if Kyle heard us right now? His head would explode.”
“I know, right?” she said. “But what I’m about to say is pretty serious.”
“Alright…” A part of me hoped it was about Neil, that maybe he said he missed me or something. It was a stupid fantasy, I knew that. But a girl could dream, right?
“Cameron called me.”
Oh Jesus. “Why?”
“He said he went to your old apartment, but you weren’t there.”
Why didn’t he just call? Why did he want to talk to me at all?
“He was persistent, so I gave him your new address. Hope that’s okay.”
If Stacy didn’t give it to him, he would have found out some other way. “No, it’s fine. I have no idea what he wants to talk about, especially in person.”
“Maybe you’re going to get a long-overdue apology. Or even better, he’s gonna try to get you back.”
“Why would that be even better?”
“That’s the ultimate fantasy,” she said. “When your ex begs you to take him back, and you shut the door in his face.”
That wasn’t a fantasy of mine anymore. I’d rather just skip that whole thing. “God, I hope that doesn’t happen. His girlfriend just lost their baby, and that would be such an asshole move if he came after me.”
“He’s an asshole, so I wouldn’t put it past him.”
“I really hope you’re wrong.” I turned on the engine and pulled out of the parking lot. “Thanks for the heads-up. Hopefully, he just wants to apologize.”
“Yeah…hopefully.”
Torpedo took up an entire couch by himself because he was such a big dog that stretched out his paws in every direction. His eyes were closed, and his belly rose and fell with his deep breathing, an occasional snort coming out.
That meant Kyle and I had to share one couch. His arm was over the back of the cushions as he sat beside me, his eyes on Torpedo. “I thought he wasn’t supposed to be on the couch?”
I rolled my eyes. “I give up.”
He chuckled. “Maybe that’s for the best.”
We watched the game together, talking about the stupid calls the refs made as well as the players. Some were injured, and that was greatly affecting the score. I drank a light beer, and when the bottle was empty, I left it on the table beside me.
“Want me to grab you another one?” he asked.
“No. I’ve had enough beer for one evening.” I glanced at my dog on the other couch then kept watching the game. The winning team was so far ahead in the score, there was no chance the other team could catch up. Made the game a bit boring.
Kyle’s hand rested against the back of my neck, and I suddenly felt his fingers move under my hairline. The touch was so subtle, so soft, I thought I made the whole thing up. But his fingers dug deeper and deeper, and soon he was rubbing the back of my neck harder.
I tensed at his touch, not repulsed by it, just shocked.
His fingers grabbed the curtain of hair covering my cheek and pulled it over my shoulder, exposing my neck and face.
The hairs up and down my arms stood on end. My heart started to race. Time slowed down around me, and while my eyes were still on the game, I wasn’t even watching it. I was aware Kyle was touching me, touching me the exact same way he used to during our short fling. Unsure what else to do, I sat there, rigid as a statue.
He moved his face closer to mine, his blue eyes drilling into my face like he was demanding my attention, commanding me to look at him the same way.
My heart was pounding against my rib cage, making my entire body shake. My fingertips were numb.
His hand slid to the back of my head, cupping it like he intended to guide my face where he wanted it. Then he slowly forced me to look at him, to lock on to his gaze head on.
I looked into his blue eyes, bright like the sky, and felt time stand still.
His eyes glanced down to my lips, making his intentions crystal clear.
I had the chance to turn away, to end this before it even began. But like a deer in the headlights, I did nothing. I felt the adrenaline circulate in my veins, felt the temperature of my body rise by several degrees.
When there was no objection, Kyle went for it. He leaned in, cradled the back of my head, and kissed me.
It’d been almost a year since the last time this happened, the last time he kissed me in my old apartment. He was a good kisser then, and he still was one now. His fingertips lightly touched my hair and gradually turned possessive. His kiss was subtle in the beginning, just a simple peck, but once I reciprocated, it turned deeper.
I kissed him back, lulled by the comfort. I always knew Kyle was a good-looking guy. He was muscular and fit with a handsome face, but all those perks were swallowed by our friendship. I didn’t see him in that way, even though we’d screwed and he made me come each time. But I’d known it wasn’t right, that I wasn’t in a good place for anything physical or romantic. I had been trying to forget about Cameron, to make myself feel better.
But this was different.
Kyle slowly guided me down against the couch, moving on top of me and maneuvering between my thighs at the same time. He kissed me good, so good that I almost forgot how wrong this was.
My head hit the pillow, and my fingers gripped his biceps. His kiss wasn’t like Neil’s, the man who was on my mind most of the time. He was the man I wanted but could never have, and a three-month hiatus hadn’t made me forget him. But it was nice to forget him about for a few moments. My thighs squeezed his hips, and I opened my mouth so I could take his tongue.
He moaned into my mouth.
While it felt good, I knew it was the same thing as last time. I was trying to forget about Cameron before, and now I was trying to forget about Neil. Maybe Kyle had too many beers and he just wanted something physical. Maybe he just wanted to get laid and have a one-night stand. Or maybe this meant something more. Either way, this wasn’t a good idea. I valued our friendship far too much to use him. I’d done it once, and I wouldn’t do it again. “Kyle…” I turned my mouth away from his and pressed my palms against his chest.
He stayed on top of me, his body still as he pressed me into the cushions. It seemed like he wouldn’t move, that he would seduce me until he got what he wanted. But then pragmatism set in, and he moved off me.
My heart was still racing a million miles an hour as I sat up. I fixed my hair and avoided eye contact, embarrassed when he was probably the one who was embarrassed. “I’m sorry… I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?” His deep voice filled the silence between us. “You’re obviously attracted to me.”
“That doesn’t mean this is a good idea. We’re friends, Kyle.”
“What if I want to be more than friends?”
I turned my face back to him, taking in the sight of his shining blue eyes.
“You’ve been divorced almost a year. You’re in a good place. It’s time you try again.”
“What are you saying, Kyle? Are you looking for sex? Or a relationship?”
He held my look for a long time as he considered his response. “Whatever you want, Char. I’m tired of seeing you date these loser guys, sleep with them even though you don’t like them very much—”
“And you don’t do the exact same thing?” I snapped. “That’s sexist, Kyle.”
“That’s not at all what I meant. I just meant, if you’re looking for good sex, I’m right here.” He placed his hand across his chest. “If you’re ready to date, I’m first in line. You could keep wasting time with losers, or you could be with a real man. That’s
all I’m saying.”
Now I wondered if I’d been reading Kyle wrong all this time. “This is a lot to take in…”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
I turned my gaze back to the game but didn’t watch it.
“I’m not like Cameron, and I’m not like Neil. I will be here for you every single day. When bad shit happens, I’m not gonna take off like Cameron, and I won’t jump into a rocket like Neil. I can be exactly what you deserve—if you give me a chance.”
My hands covered my face, and I slowly dragged them down my cheeks. “I thought we were just friends…”
“We are friends, Char.”
“But I thought that was all we were…”
“My friendship with you is real. If you don’t want me, I’m still gonna be here. But I think you do want me, and I’m tired of being in the friend zone. I moved too fast when you got divorced, and I realize that was an idiotic mistake. I just knew you wouldn’t be single for long, so I had to do something sooner rather than later… Looking back, I realize I should have been a friend and nothing more. But now, you’re seeing guys, and you’re in a good place. It’s time for me to do something before someone else takes my spot. I’m sorry to make you uncomfortable, but I’d rather take my shot and get rejected than hate myself for waiting too long.”
I was overloaded with information, so I sat there in silence, unsure what to do or what to say.
“Like I said, there’s chemistry here.”
“Maybe you’re just a good kisser…”
“If you think I’m a good kisser, then there’s chemistry here. If you’re attracted to me, there’s chemistry. Both of those are true.”
All of this felt overwhelming. I started to breathe heavily because I was scared, scared I was about to lose another person in my life. If I rejected him, it would be awkward forever. If I dated him and we broke up, we would never be friends again. Losing Cameron left a huge void in my life, not because of the way he hurt me, but because he wasn’t there anymore. I couldn’t afford to lose anyone else.
“What’s wrong?” Kyle knew me so well.
“Yes, I’m attracted to you. Yes, I liked sleeping with you in the past. But I think it’s best if we just stay friends…”
Silence. Painful silence.
Minutes later, he spoke. “Look at me.”
That was the last thing I wanted to do.
“Now.”
I turned back to him.
“Tell me why.”
“Because you mean too much to me. I would never want to lose you. When people date, they break up. And when they break up, they can never stand to be in the same room together. I can’t let that happen.”
“What if we don’t break up?”
“We will.”
He shook his head slightly. “Cameron was an asshole. I’m not an asshole.”
“I know that.”
“Then give me some credit. I’ve spent the last year waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in. You obviously mean something to me.”
“And I thought Cameron and I would be together for the rest of our lives. We were stupidly in love, calling each other soul mates. Couples think they’ll last forever, but most of them don’t. I love you too much to take the gamble, Kyle. I’m sorry to hurt you…I really am. But I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
He bowed his head and sighed loudly.
“Besides…I still have feelings for Neil.”
He raised his head slowly, his dark eyes watching me.
“So even if I weren’t scared about losing you, it still wouldn’t be right. I would just be using you to stop thinking about someone else, and I couldn’t do that to you. I love you too much. Sleeping with a random guy is different because there’s no chance of anyone getting hurt.”
He watched me for several heartbeats. “What if I don’t care?”
“Well, I do.”
“They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Trust me, I can make you forget about him.”
“I told you I wouldn’t use you like that, Kyle.”
He sighed in annoyance and looked away.
The tense silence returned, a nice evening ruined by what happened. I was flattered Kyle wanted me because he was handsome, hardworking, and a man who could get any woman he wanted. But he meant too much for me to lose. Now I was afraid that had happened anyway…that this friendship was over. “I really hope this doesn’t change anything between us…because I love you.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me again, the anger slowly disappearing from the surface of his eyes. When he sighed, it was a much quieter tone. His hands relaxed from the fists he had made. “No…nothing ever could.”
“What’s wrong?” Stacy stopped eating her salad so she could interrogate me.
Our lunch breaks were at the same time, so we decided to meet up at our favorite healthy spot. “What makes you think anything is wrong?”
“Because there’s something wrong.”
Kyle and I were working together that day, and while it was tense in the beginning, he behaved like he normally would, saying the same things he always said. He made an effort to keep everything the same, so it wasn’t as bad as I’d imagined it would be. Maybe in time, last night would just be a bad memory.
“What is it?” She sipped her water and narrowed her eyes on my face.
“Well…Kyle came over last night.”
“And?”
“He made a move on me.”
She was about to stab a strawberry with her fork, but instead, she lifted her gaze and looked at me again. “He did?”
“He kissed me. I let it go on for a bit before I came to my senses.”
“Came to your senses?” she mocked. “Kyle is super-hot. Why wouldn’t you want to tap that?”
“Because we’re friends.”
“So?” she snapped. “Friends become lovers all the time.”
“And lovers break up and stop being friends.”
She rolled her eyes. “That doesn’t happen to everyone. Vic and I will be together until we die.”
“I’m sure you will…you’re one of the lucky ones.”
She gave me a sad look. “Char, I think you’re making a mistake rejecting Kyle.”
“I disagree.”
“He adores you. That guy would never hurt you, not in a million years.”
“And what if I hurt him?” I countered. “What if I screw it up and ruin everything?”
“You wouldn’t.”
“We don’t know that. I doubt Cameron ever thought he would do something so terrible. The villain never thinks they’re the villain.”
Stacy sighed. “You seriously need to let this Cameron thing go.”
“I have. I just don’t think risking a solid friendship is the way to go about it.”
“Char, you need to—”
“I still have feelings for Neil.” I was tired of keeping that information to myself and not sharing my deepest emotions with my best friend. I was embarrassed I still cared about the man who had been gone for three months. I should have gotten over him, but I never did. I was still in the exact same place. “I told Kyle that. I would never want him to be a substitute for the man I actually want…”
Now that Stacy knew the truth, she stopped applying the pressure. She stared at me with eyes wide open, and then slowly, she let a long breath escape her lips as the rest of her body deflated.
I’d intended to hold that secret until my feelings faded away, but I suspected they may never fade away. Neil was gone for three months with zero communication, but I was still in the same place emotionally. That meant pursuing a physical relationship would be even stupider. My heart was inflated with all these feelings…which meant it was more likely to be popped. There wasn’t a chance we would have a happy ending. It was certain he would break my heart…and that meant it would be idiotic to go down that road.
Stacy kept staring at me. “I thought it was just a meaningless fling?”
“It was…”
“Then how can you still feel this way? Are you hooking up again?”
“No.” I wished we were.
“You guys didn’t talk for three months.”
“I know…”
She pushed her salad aside and rested her elbows on the table. “Does he know?”
I shook my head. “I would never tell him. We agreed to be friends, and it’ll stay that way.”
“Then maybe you should move on with someone else.”
“Using Kyle isn’t the answer, Stacy. That’s not fair.”
“Kyle wouldn’t care.”
No, he wouldn’t. “That’s beside the point.”
She kept staring at me, clearly annoyed by the situation.
“Why are you angry?”
“Because I knew it was a mistake for the two of you to hook up in the first place.”
“I don’t regret it.”
“Well, I do,” she snapped. “I watched Cameron break your heart, and I don’t want to watch Neil do the same thing. He’s a great guy, loyal and hardworking, but he’s a playboy. He’s unavailable. You do understand that a relationship with Neil only ends one way, right?”
“Yes…”
“Then you need to forget about him and move on. I suggest you move on with Kyle. When we hang out, we can only go to your place, that way you never have to see Neil. We can cut him out of your life without cutting him out of ours.”
“That’s unnecessary. I said I still have feelings for him, not that I’m in love with him.” I just missed his affection, the way he felt on top of me and inside me. The sex was good, and the talking was even better. It felt comfortable and nerve-racking at the same time.
“If you still think about him like this, then it sounds like you’re on that path.”
I stared at my half-eaten salad.
Stacy stared at me for a long time before she sighed. “I don’t understand you. Kyle is the perfect guy. He’s got a good job, he owns a house, he’s gorgeous, he’s fit…and he adores you.”
I already knew all those things. Under different circumstances, he would probably be the guy I fell in love with. If I’d met him before Cameron, I probably would have married him instead.