by Iris Morland
Kat shrugged. “I’m not the type of person to weep and moan, if that’s what you mean. What good will it do? You just have to keep moving forward. I’ve known that since I was a kid.”
She knew it all too well, that breaking down wasn’t something she had the means to do. She had to pick up the pieces, keep going. Brush the tears off of her cheeks and continue on.
He sighed. “I get that. There were days the past few years…” He stared at the steaming mug that he’d set on the coffee table, as if he could divine the secrets of humanity from its depths. “Some days Teagan would be so sick that I didn’t know if she’d come out of it.”
Kat saw how his shoulders were hunched, how he grimaced from the memories. “My mom died of breast cancer when I was fifteen,” she said quietly. She hadn’t planned on telling him that, but the words just spilled out. “It was just her and me for most of my life. My dad left when I was just a baby. We moved around a lot, but we were each other’s constant. But when she got sick, I had to be the parent. I don’t know how I managed to graduate from high school in the end, I missed so many days.”
“I’m sorry, Kat.”
She brushed away the tears that had sprung to her eyes. When had she become such a watering pot? “Thank you. She died a year after her diagnosis, and I went to live with my aunt and uncle. But I was determined to get out of there, so I graduated high school early and never looked back.”
The pain of losing her mom had only lessened slightly in the subsequent years. Some days it was a faint ache, while other days it was acute. Tonight, Kat wished her mom were here to hug her, to tell her everything would be okay. We’ll be okay, babe, she’d say. Because you and me can do anything together.
“Teagan wasn’t always sick,” Gavin said. “When we first dated, she was the girl who everyone wanted. Or wanted to be.”
Kat couldn’t help but smile. “And you had no idea why she’d date you?”
“Exactly. We married after college, but after Emma was born, things changed.” He took in a deep breath. “She’d have these days where she wouldn’t sleep—for days and days—and she’d be so happy and excited and she’d redecorate the entire house or something like that. But then she’d crash and burn, and become so depressed that she wouldn’t get out of bed. By the time Emma was a toddler, I was the only one taking care of her.” His hands balled into fists, “It got to the point that I was scared to leave Emma alone with her. Not because she’d hurt her, but because she might hurt herself.”
“Was she ever diagnosed?”
“With bipolar. She went on medication, was good for a while, but she was never good about taking the medication. She’d relapse and it was a cycle. I tried to get her take her meds, get her to therapy, all of it. We’d get into these fights, and sometimes I got so angry that I had to leave the house.”
He looked so alone that Kat set her mug down on the table and looped an arm under his. “Sounds like we’ve both had our fair share of shit.”
He laughed a little. “To say the least.” He inhaled and turned his gaze toward her. “I didn’t mean to unload on you.”
“And I didn’t mean to unload on you, but here we are.” The words drifted off into the space between them, and Kat couldn’t look away from his penetrating gaze. His dark eyes caused her to shiver. He reached up and touched her cheek with a gentle caress.
“Do you wear this every night?” He touched the silk scarf she’d wrapped around her hair.
She’d forgotten she was wearing it. Suddenly self-conscious, she explained, “It protects my hair. Otherwise it’ll break off and be a mess.”
“Mmm, I do love your hair. Do you do it yourself?”
“For the most part. Sometimes I have help. It’s hard to braid your own hair.”
In a deadpan voice, he replied, “Considering I can barely braid Emma’s, I understand completely.”
She patted him on the chest. “It’s okay. It takes practice. Although sometimes when I see Emma’s hair, I have to restrain myself from redoing it.”
“You’re too kind,” he said with a snort. “It’s one of those things I’m working on. Because God knows Emma doesn’t have anyone else around who’s going to braid her hair.”
Kat’s heart clenched. She recognized that well of loneliness within him that she’d known for so many years. It was a strange thing, she knew, to bond over. But that kinship only intensified her attraction to him, and without thinking about it, she touched his shaggy hair, smoothed a finger across his eyebrows.
“Kat.” His voice was barely more than a growl.
“Do you want me to stop?”
He didn’t even hesitate. “Hell no. I just wanted to make sure you didn’t want to.”
She didn’t know who kissed who, but their mouths met and it was like all the heat of the room exploded between them. Gavin snaked an arm around her waist while she pressed her hands against his hard chest, and the kiss deepened. His tongue met hers, and her entire body unfurled like a flower toward the sun. Yes, this was what she wanted. She didn’t care what happened afterward. She just wanted him.
His heart beat wildly beneath her palms as she traced the lines of his collarbone, his sternum. He made a sound in the back of his throat. His beard scratched at her lips, but she found that she rather enjoyed that feeling. She’d usually kissed clean-shaven men, but everything about Gavin contradicted what she thought she’d preferred.
“How do you taste so sweet?” he muttered before kissing her cheek.
“It’s probably the tea.”
He shook his head. “It’s that, but not. It’s something else. I think it’s just you.” His mouth moved toward her jaw, and she leaned back slightly to give him access. “You’ve driven me insane since the first time I met you.”
She sighed. “That time outside your apartment?”
He pulled away, but only so he could look into her eyes. “You looked so gorgeous; it drove me insane.”
“Really? I just thought you didn’t want to talk to me.”
“I didn’t want to talk to you.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Is that supposed to be a compliment?”
“Let me rephrase that.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I wanted to talk to you, but I knew I’d bungle it, so I couldn’t. I knew I could never have you.”
She didn’t want to point out that he was talking to her now, and saying more than he ever had before. She kissed him on the forehead, on his cheeks, light butterfly kisses that caused him to fist his hands in her robe against her back. When she reached his lips, her heart thrilled when he captured her mouth.
Things only progressed from there. She touched his shoulders while he trailed a hand under her robe and her shirt, reaching the bare skin of her lower back. Her ears buzzed and her heart pounded, and she transformed into a being of pure sensation. Suddenly feeling like she was wearing too many layers, she untied her robe and tossed it aside, now clad in only her thin shirt. Her nipples beaded against the material, and she saw the gleam in his eyes as he realized she wasn’t wearing a bra.
Her breasts felt heavy, achy, and when he cupped one in his big palm, she let out a moan.
“Yes, touch me,” she breathed into the night. “Please.”
His thumb circled her nipple. She leaned backward until she was half-lying on the couch with him over her. He played with her other breast, but it wasn’t enough. She arched against him, and he took the cue, trailing his hand up under her shirt to clasp her bare breast. Biting the inside of her cheek, she stifled a groan at the sensation of his fingers on her breast.
“Let me see you,” he groaned. He tugged at her shirt hem with his other hand.
She wasn’t going to stop him. Instead, she reached down and flung off the offending garment, now her breasts bare in front of him. He drank her in for a moment, and she couldn’t help but preen a little under his admiring gaze.
“Damn, you’re gorgeous.” He smoothed a finger across a nipple, and she gasped at the sensation.
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His hands played with her breasts, making her moan and breathe his name, and soon he replaced his hands with his mouth, sucking and nipping. He made her ache, made her wet and desperate. She’d never wanted a man as much as she wanted Gavin in this moment. It was a heady, all-consuming emotion, like a bottle of champagne. She was all bubbles and light.
He moved upward to kiss her mouth again. Reaching underneath his shirt, she felt the play of muscle and skin. She smoothed a fingertip around a mole she found, and when she traced a figure eight in the dip of his lower back, he shuddered, pressing his hardness against her. She shimmied and arched, wanting more friction, and in response, he kissed her harder.
Was she going to get off just from rubbing through their clothes? She hadn’t been this turned on since she was a teenager. Licking at his mouth, she dipped her hand in the waistband of his sweatpants, which earned her a curse.
The kiss turned almost frantic then. Kat heard Gavin say her name, and then he was moving downward, kissing a trail down her torso. He hooked his hands in her pajama pants and was about to pull them off when they heard the creak of a door.
They froze. She looked at Gavin, and he looked at her. They gasped for air and just as footsteps sounded toward them, Kat grabbed a blanket to cover herself and Gavin grabbed her shirt to stuff behind his back as Emma walked into the room.
The girl blinked at them, rather like a sleepy owl. She yawned. “I thought I heard a noise,” she said.
Kat’s face flamed, and she pulled the blanket closer around her shoulders. Gavin got up, giving her a brief glance, and promptly herded Emma back into her room. “Kat and I were just talking,” Kat heard him say before shutting Emma’s door.
Kat collapsed onto the couch. Her heart was still pounding frantically, and she couldn’t get her body to calm down. If she were anywhere else, she’d take care of this problem herself, but then again, this had been a perfect wake-up call. Was she really going to sleep with Gavin and hope it didn’t all go to hell afterward? She snorted. She wasn’t that stupid.
Sighing, she got her shirt and pulled it over her head, and then grabbed her discarded robe and made her way back to Gavin’s room. She really didn’t want to have some awkward this shouldn’t have happened conversation with him.
But as luck would have it, Gavin came into the bedroom and shut the door, saying in a soft voice, “Are you still awake?”
She rolled her eyes in the darkness. “I’m not going to be sleeping anytime soon.”
He seemed to hesitate. Kat rolled over, although she couldn’t make out his face in the darkness.
“Look, Kat—”
She held up a hand. “Don’t. I don’t have the juice for whatever it is you’re going to say. We’re adults, and we did nothing wrong. It’s just bad timing. It’s fine, Gavin.”
My heart will be perfectly, completely, utterly fine. Or so I’ll tell myself.
He sighed. “Okay. Good night, then.”
After he shut the door and padded back to the living room, Kat punched the pillow next to her. She didn’t know if she was glad, mad, or sad: glad that it had happened, mad that it had ended, or sad that it couldn’t happen again.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
Kat jumped, and Silas laughed at her expression. “Jesus, you scared me!” she said.
He handed her a cup of coffee. “Sorry. I know you’re on edge lately, and for good reason.” He looked her over. “How are you doing?”
Instead of answering, she sipped her coffee.
“I’m doing all right. I got the window boarded up at the house, and they were able to clean off the paint.” She sighed. At the moment, she was on her lunch break at school, and she’d rather hoped to keep to herself. But Silas was her friend, and she knew he was worried about her. He also knew about her predilection for coffee in the early afternoon, bless him.
“Are you still staying at Gavin’s place?” He didn’t look at her when he asked the question, which made Kat tense.
“For now, yeah. I’d rather not be alone if something else should happen.”
Silas grimaced. “Just thinking about what could’ve happened to you.” He turned toward her, his gaze serious. “You know you can always stay with me, right?”
“I do. Thank you.” She pressed his hand. “Seriously. You’ve been a lifesaver these past few weeks.”
“Kat…” His knee brushed hers, and then his hand was on her elbow. “Have you thought about what I asked? I mean, about us?” When she didn’t reply, he added, “I know it’s a bad time. I do. But I’m worried about you. I could help you. Take care of you. And I’m not sure Gavin Danvers is the best man to do it.”
That caused her to bristle. She set her coffee down on the bench. “Do you even know Gavin?”
“I know enough about him. I know that he’s messed up from his marriage, and that he’s not going to commit to anyone. Not right now. And not with his daughter having issues.” Silas’s eyes were beseeching, and Kat couldn’t find the strength to argue with him. “I care about you, Kat.” He made a noise in the back of his throat. “That’s not true—I mean, I love you. I love you, Kat.”
Kat sat there, stunned. She’d known Silas was interested in her and cared about her, but love? It was too much, and with everything going on. She slumped next to him, so exhausted she couldn’t even move away.
“Kat, say something.”
“I can’t, Silas.” Her voice was a whisper, and he had to lean toward her to hear her. “Not right now. I’m sorry. I do care about you, though. As a friend.” She grimaced at that, but it was true. He was a friend, and had always been just that.
Silas took his hand from her elbow. He stared off in front of them, and she wondered if he was angry. But when he spoke, it wasn’t anger lacing his voice. It was resignation. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
Her world tilted on its axis. She almost blurted out a denial, but she bit her tongue. “I don’t know,” she answered, her heart pounding in her chest.
“I think you do know, and I wish you weren’t. Not just for me—although I’m selfish enough to admit that’s part of it—but because I think you’re going to get your heart broken.” He rose from the bench, but not before adding, “Just, watch yourself, Kat. Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
Her emotions were so snarled that she couldn’t figure out how she felt. Part of her was angry at Silas’s warning, while another part of her was terrified he was right. Did she love Gavin? Maybe she did. Maybe she’d fallen for him the first time they’d kissed, or when she’d seen him taking care of Emma.
She took a deep breath and finished her coffee, almost laughing at everything that had been happening. Gavin Danvers had already gotten under her skin and, she was afraid deep inside her heart that she was only going to get hurt in the end.
Chapter Ten
Gavin realized the irony that was his life when he wanted the woman who was currently staying at his apartment and driving him crazy. Not because she was a bad houseguest. No, she was the ideal houseguest, he had to admit: clean, quiet, and she cooked. But it was seeing her walk around his apartment, seeing her toothbrush next to his on the bathroom counter, and smelling her scent everywhere that drove him insane. It was like having a wife again.
And he really, really didn’t need to think of Kat as his wife.
It didn’t take long for word to get around town about what had happened. Joy had stopped by Gavin’s to see Kat, and Adam had also dropped in, asking if they could help in any way. Soon it seemed like everyone in town wanted to help: Grace, Jaime, even Gavin’s parents, along with every person who had ever talked to Kat. Her coworkers from school stopped by in droves, bringing casseroles and other dishes, hugging Kat and offering her various condolences. And then, of course, there were the raised eyebrows about a single man offering Kat a place to stay. Heron’s Landing was a small enough town where something like that raised eyebrows and created whispers, but Gavin refused to let that stop him. Let the
old biddies gossip; he wasn’t going to let Kat get hurt just because some people thought it was unseemly for her to stay at his apartment.
One of the people who stopped by more than once was Kat’s friend and coworker, Silas Fraser. Gavin had only met the man a few times, and he’d seemed innocuous enough. But after he’d come into the living room to see Silas’s hand on Kat’s knee, Gavin had gritted his teeth so hard they’d practically turned to dust in his mouth. That green snake of jealousy had coiled in his gut, and he knew it was ridiculous of him. For one, Kat could date whomever she wanted—Gavin had no real claim on her. He hadn’t exactly asked her out, anyway. And if she preferred Silas with his gap teeth, so be it.
But that didn’t stop him from getting absurdly tense anytime the other man stopped by, bearing all sorts of gifts. Flowers, takeout, some books. Mostly it was the way he looked at Kat: like she were too beautiful to exist on planet earth. How Kat didn’t see it, Gavin had no idea.
Working at River’s Bend that afternoon, Gavin told himself he was being an idiot. He couldn’t stop thinking about his encounter with Kat, though, and all he could see in his mind’s eye was the way she’d looked, bare to the waist as he’d kissed her. How her breasts had been the perfect size for his palms, how the dark brown nipples had strained for his attention, and how she’d moaned and undulated underneath him…
He swore as he stood, currently finishing up helping with the harvest. It was a cool day, but Gavin was wearing a thin short-sleeved t-shirt, mostly because he’d felt overheated for days now. Maybe some manual labor would kick some sense into him, he thought morosely.
The worst part of it all was that he knew he couldn’t have Kat. She deserved better than a man who was too broken, too emotionally fucked up, to give her the kind of relationship she wanted. They could get along fairly well for a while, he admitted, but inevitably, she would need more. She’d want commitment, family, the whole nine yards. And Gavin knew he couldn’t give her those things. He’d done it once before, and it had fallen apart despite all his attempts to keep things together.