by Karin Baine
She hadn’t known where to start. It didn’t come naturally. Cole didn’t understand how important it was to her to create something for herself, so she’d vacillated between what she had and what she wanted. When she’d become pregnant, the future had become clearer—in a different direction. She would raise her child with all the love she was capable of, while still being there for Cole, at his side, loving him. Putting herself on the backburner. Just like her mother had done with her father, and now regretted.
Watching her mother blossom over the last months as she followed her artistic aspirations had been an eye-opener, and had made Vicki take a long look at herself. It was scary. Following through on her own dreams might mean losing Cole. If that happened, then maybe she’d fallen in love with the wrong man. No. She loved him so much, that wasn’t possible.
Whatever the truth, all the hopes and plans and excitement of a family were now finished. Gone. Poof. No more. Through no fault of her own, or Cole’s. Miscarriages happened—often. She just hadn’t figured she’d be a statistic. Neither had she’d started her pregnancy thinking how it might go wrong. That was unhealthy. Yet she was already grieving for her baby.
Where should she go from here? She could go back to work tomorrow, get on with living like nothing had happened, stiff upper lip and all that. It was a role she had played every time Cole had left her for another army excursion. Taking days off would only add to her loneliness. Her friends would be at work or, like Molly, busy with their little ones. To head home to the family in Cairns where she’d be wrapped in love and comfort would make it even harder to return to Sydney and the empty apartment at the end of her break.
Molly hadn’t finished playing the diplomat. ‘You know Cole will be gutted. He was so excited about the pregnancy, and he loves you to bits.’
‘Then why do I come second to everything?’ The army was like another wife, a more demanding one who had to be obeyed at all cost. Right from the start of their relationship Cole had warned her he was going to sign up after finishing his medical degree. Because she’d been so much in love she’d thought she’d manage as long as he was in her life. Going along with his plans without question made him happy.
Unfortunately, she hadn’t known what living alone while married really entailed. Hadn’t understood the relentless loneliness when he was away for months on end. An isolation that encroached even when he was back in Sydney and they were sharing army digs. Sharing a bed, spending their days and nights together—when he wasn’t working—was what she craved when he wasn’t here and worked at making wonderful when he was.
Yet being a soldier wasn’t like any regular job. Not even a medical registrar’s frantically busy position had taken him away from her so much. Often lately, even when he was home with her, he wasn’t really with her.
Regret for not getting on with the agency years ago hit hard. She’d have been busy, focused, not trying to fill in the empty hours. Deep down, she’d been hoping the baby would change everything, bring Cole home to her permanently so he’d share their lives beside her, not from a distance. And give her strength to revisit her plans. But her baby was gone. Raw agony slammed into her again. There was nothing to smile about.
‘You’re staying here with us tonight, no argument.’ Molly locked her newly learned formidable gaze with hers, which was no doubt pathetically sad at the moment.
‘You didn’t used to be so bossy,’ Vicki muttered through an overwhelming gratitude that she’d met this woman and they’d become firm friends.
‘That’s a yes, then.’
‘Didn’t think I had any choice.’ She had nothing to hide from Molly. ‘Okay, thank you. I don’t want to go back to the apartment and stare at the walls while trying to absorb what’s happened.’ Yes, happened, as in no going back. No changing the outcome. The bleeding had begun sometime before she’d woken that morning and was all but done now, though the occasional painful cramps still underscored what had occurred. As if she needed reminding. The weight on her chest, the emptiness in her heart, the incessant tears—all tells of her loss. Our loss. Just because she hadn’t spoken to Cole didn’t mean his world hadn’t irrevocably changed too.
She straightened up, swung her legs over the side of the couch. She needed to be doing something, not lying around waiting for the next hit from life. ‘I’m going to walk to the end of the lawn and back.’ Stop and stare out over the Tasman Sea from the clifftop, and draw up some strength to move forward.
‘Want me to come with you? I can bring the baby monitor. It works from as far as the fence.’
Vicki shook her head. ‘I’ll be fine. You stay near those two cuties.’ Her lip trembled.
Molly wrapped her in a hug. ‘I’m glad you called me.’
‘So am I. It would’ve been an even longer day if I hadn’t.’
She’d phoned in a panic when she’d realised what was happening and, while it wasn’t essential she go to the emergency department, they’d agreed it was better if she got checked over at the hospital where she and Nathan worked and let him talk her through the medical details—which she knew from a nursing perspective—before Molly brought her back to their house.
She was so grateful for Molly’s company, though it was hard when the babies cried, or needed feeding or changing. That was supposed to have been her future. If Cole had been around she wouldn’t have needed anyone else to hold her, talk when she wanted a distraction, listen to her vent about how unfair life was. He would have understood everything.
Before heading outside, she picked up her phone to tap Cole’s number, knowing he still wouldn’t answer but needing to hear his voice. ‘Cole, sweetheart, answer me.’
‘Please leave a message...’
She banged ‘off’, tossed the phone aside. So much for needing to listen to his voice. The message was not solely for her, it was generic. It wasn’t special, or sexy. She choked, the tears a waterfall soaking into her crumpled tee shirt. ‘Where the hell are you?’ she yelled.
Nathan appeared in the doorway. ‘Vicki? It’s hard, that’s what it is.’ He crossed the room to hug her. ‘Cole will call as soon as he can.’
‘I know that. But it’ll be too late.’ She sniffed, soaked up some of her friend’s warmth and leaned back to look directly at the man she’d known almost as long as she’d known Cole. ‘I need him now.’ Already the emptiness from losing her baby was taking over, more destructive because her husband wasn’t here to share it, to console her, to let her comfort him. They could’ve cried together, held each other, got through the days ahead a little easier. ‘I really do.’
‘You’ll get through this. You’re tougher than you think.’ Nathan squeezed tighter, then released her, a grim expression on his face.
Tough? Yes, she could be. But today she’d run out of tough. She wanted to be selfish for a while. Curling up in bed, pulling the covers over her head, and ignoring the world going on around her was a priority right now. Which was why she’d go outside for a few minutes. Acting tough? Sniff. I suppose. But, no, she really had had enough.
The phone rang. She stared at it. Was it Cole? No, it wouldn’t be. Hope rose, fell, rose higher, like a wave in a storm. Reaching for the instrument, she picked it up, stared at the screen. Her heart soared. Cole. Pressing the button, she banged the phone against her ear. ‘Hey, I’m sorry. So, so sorry.’ Like it was her fault. Who knew? Maybe it was.
‘Sweetheart, is it true?’
‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ As if she’d make up something like that.
‘I didn’t want to believe your message. Are you all right? I hope you’re not alone.’
Her eyes widened. Cole wasn’t exactly spilling his heart with support and love. Was she all right? ‘No, I’m not all right,’ she snapped through her tears. ‘I’m with Molly and Nathan, at their place,’ she added.
‘That’s good. They’ll take care of you.’ He really was a barrel of co
mforting words.
‘They can’t replace you. It’s your arms I long for. It’s you I need to hug and cry with, not our friends.’ Didn’t he get it? They were a couple. They shared everything.
‘Unfortunately, there’s not a thing I can do about it. The CO won’t let me go at the moment. There’s a mission starting tomorrow we’ve been preparing for that requires everyone on board,’ he explained. ‘It will take all our resources to pull it off.’
‘Cole, I’ve miscarried. I don’t care about your mission.’ Had they drifted so far apart that they couldn’t connect over this? She didn’t want to believe that. She loved Cole more than anyone, anything. Yet nothing about their relationship felt safe any more. It was as though she lived in a dark box and only came out when he was back in Sydney, when it suited the army to let him have time off. He’d chosen to sign up, never really explaining why, always fobbing her off when she asked, which irked, but as usual she’d let it go rather than start an argument.
‘Hang in there, sweetheart. I am getting out at the end of my contract.’
That’s for ever.
She swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. She’d have to find it within her to see out the days and weeks. ‘Are you certain?’ Because if he changed his mind she’d never cope. ‘You don’t always tell me everything.’ There were things he never discussed, especially about his youth. Sometimes, when it got too much for him, he’d spill his anguish over some of the tragedies he’d seen with the army. She’d listen, try to console him, and he’d pull himself together. Once he’d told her she was the strongest woman he knew for taking him on. Maybe it had been Cole’s love for her speaking, because she hadn’t been that tough, though over the past year she’d tried to improve. Or so she’d thought. Today she was floundering.
‘I’m telling you I’m leaving the army. I will not have a second crack at it. I’ve done what I set out to do. I want to be with you, Vicki. More than occasionally.’
Her heart swelled with love. That was what she’d waited to hear for so long.
‘We just have to get through the next year.’
Her relief deflated like a pricked balloon at that reminder. It seemed so long. Time interspersed with occasional visits when they’d make love and laugh. Not a lot of talking happened, and then she’d go back to that box. ‘Then what will you do?’
‘It’s too soon to decide.’
Once again he wasn’t telling her anything. He must have been considering his next move. Cole didn’t make major changes without thinking everything through thoroughly. Fresh pain engulfed her. Where was his love? Not in his voice or words. All hope of him comforting her was deflated; left her cold and drained.
Her mouth dried as she whispered, ‘Cole, I don’t think I can do this any more. I married to be with you, not the wife in the background, available whenever you have a few hours or days to spare. To me, marriage is about having you around whenever my world flips upside down. To be there for you when yours goes haywire. To share everything.’
Oh, hell, what did she mean? Was she walking away from him? For good? Was that what she wanted? No, it wasn’t. She loved him. But she couldn’t continue with the way things were. It was only for another year, but then what? More Cole ideas she was supposed to fit in with? Her patience had gone from thin to non-existent. But? But could she leave Cole? Tough, remember? Lonely, remember? Alone, not lonely. Yeah. Lonely and alone.
‘Vicki, don’t say that.’ Panic flared in his voice. ‘Please, don’t, sweetheart. I know you’re going through hell right now, but I’m here for you. You know that.’
‘No, you’re not. You haven’t been here anytime I’ve needed you.’
Stop it, Vicki.
This was a conversation for when they were together, not over a phone. Therein lay the problem. When would they be together again? ‘The miscarriage is the last straw. I cannot live always waiting for you to show up. I need fixed plans to work towards, and to follow some of my dreams as well.’
‘Wait, Vicki. We’ll talk. I have to finish this duty. I don’t know when I’ll return to Sydney to see out my time but it will happen.’
‘We’ll talk? Over the phone? That’s great when it’s something as important as our future, as us. As losing our baby.’ Tears flooded down her cheeks. ‘I can’t sit back and wait for you to come home for a face-to-face discussion. I need to see you now.’
‘Sweetheart, you know that can’t happen. It’s impossible.’
‘Exactly.’ Life as she knew it was over. What she had to find out was how to make it unfold in the future. But not today. Today was raw enough without adding to the agony.
* * *
Cole winced as the line went dead. Vicki had hung up on him. After saying she doubted she could carry on with their marriage. Without talking about the miscarriage. A dull throbbing started behind his ribs. Vicki was the love of his life, his first reason for waking up every morning. She could not leave him. She didn’t mean it. She was broken-hearted about their baby. That’s what this was about. She was trying to cope in any way possible.
The pain in her voice had been like nothing he’d heard before, not even when her mother had been so ill no one had believed she’d pull through. Vicki’s pain had got deeper and stronger as she’d talked, adding to his guilt, creating a sense of failure for not being there with her. She needed him. More than anyone. And there was nothing he could do about it. His own pain scudded across his lips in a sigh. Once again he’d hurt one of the most important people in his life.
We’ve lost our baby.
Sharp agony squeezed hard, taking away his ability to breathe. Why was he here, and not with Vicki?
He had chosen this life to meet a promise he had made to his mother when he was seventeen. Along with two close mates and his girlfriend, he’d been accused of the theft of thousands of dollars from a local charity after a fundraising event. Not even his parents had believed him when he’d said he knew nothing about the robbery. All he did remember was the four of them going to the local park late that night where he’d had two beers while cuddling with his girlfriend. The next thing he recalled was waking up alone in his car outside his family’s home.
Many months later, one of his mates had confessed that the girlfriend had put a date drug in Cole’s beer to make him sleep, then had taken his car keys and driven herself and the other two guys to the charity building to steal the money.
The shame of not being aware of what had gone on around him that night and how easily he’d been used hadn’t left him. Only his granddad had stood by him, saying what had happened had changed his life for ever, but he mustn’t let it ruin his future. He had loved him for that more than anything. His mother had lost most of her friends and become stressed and anxious. His father, a criminal lawyer, had hidden behind his work, putting in ever-increasing hours and staying away from home. Even when they’d finally admitted they’d been wrong, his family had never returned to being their easy, loving selves. They’d let him down.
As I have Vicki.
His gut clenched.
We’ve lost our baby. I’m not there for Vicki.
But he had to be here. It was the promise he’d made to his mother before he’d been exonerated and she’d lain dying in ICU after a massive heart attack. Desperate for her to live, he’d have promised the moon if it would’ve helped. Instead he’d said he’d make her proud by joining the army after he’d become a doctor, which had always been his aspiration. Granddad had been a highly decorated soldier, and Cole had also wanted to show him he was worthy of his belief in his grandson.
That night his mother had passed away, never to see him fulfil his promise, leaving him with a load of remorse nothing would shake. Had the stress from what had happened caused her death? The guilt and shame had stuck to him like glue.
And now this. The baby was gone. Unbelievable. Even to his doctor’s brain it didn’t mak
e sense. It was so unfair. Cole couldn’t find any words to describe his feelings at this moment. In trying to do right by his mother and granddad, he’d let his wife down so much. If only he had a red cape and could fly to her side, hug her, kiss her, promise they’d make it through this latest tragedy—together.
His life had become compartmentalised after he’d been exonerated. Adelaide—the good, bad and downright ugly. Sydney—adulthood, medicine, new friends. Vicki. The army—meeting his promise. Vicki. His love. He groaned. Vicki. What he wouldn’t give to be with her. Right from the beginning of their relationship it had been good having someone believe in him, love him, without having to expose the frankly awful time of his past. Though deep, deep down lay a seed of doubt about that decision not to tell her. But he hadn’t wanted to bring the past into the future with her.
Nathan was the only person he’d told the whole truth to when he’d demanded to know why they couldn’t go to Adelaide for a break and get together with Cole’s friends from school days. Because Nathan held nothing back from him, he’d finally explained. It had been a test of their friendship, one that had never faltered.
Yet he still hadn’t found the courage to tell Vicki. She was a fresh start he hadn’t wanted to taint with the past. She was the precious jewel in his life. He loved her so much sometimes it was almost too much, made him fear he couldn’t get enough of her. Yet here he was in East Timor while she was back in Sydney, needing him desperately.
She’s thinking about leaving you.
She couldn’t. He’d talk to her as soon as he returned to base. She was hurting. Big time. He understood. But leave him? No. She didn’t mean it. She needed time to come to terms with the miscarriage.