by Erin Noelle
Men cause nothing but pain. Men cause nothing but pain. I repeat the words over and over in my head as I pace the concrete floor of the break room. It’s a mantra I’ve told myself for as long as I can remember. If I never let myself forget this then I’ll never allow another man close enough to hurt me ever again. I had no choice when I was younger, but I’m no longer that little girl trapped in a world that I’m desperate to escape. I’m an adult and I finally made it out on the other side. I will never allow a man to take my choice away from me again.
Men cause nothing but pain. Men cause nothing but pain.
“I get that you’re having some sort of crisis back here, but it’s been damn near thirty minutes and it’s starting to get busy out there.”
I look up to see Matt leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest and a worried expression on his face. “Sorry, Matty.” My voice is little more than a whisper.
In two strides, he’s across the room, pulling me into his arms. “It’s okay, honey. I’m just worried about you.”
I allow myself to soak in his affection only momentarily before pulling away. “Thanks, Matt. I’m good…really. You don’t need to worry.”
Matt lets out an exasperated sigh and gives his head a shake before placing his hands on his hips. “Baby doll, no offense, but you’re so far from ’good,’ it’s not even funny. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but don’t lie to me. It’s written all over that pretty face of yours. Don’t think Carmen and I can’t see that pain you keep hidden away.”
I know he’s right. To everyone else I’m just a quiet, shy woman, but Matt and Carmen have always known something lays deeper. Luckily, they’ve let me hold on to my secrets so far, never forcing the issue. I’m beyond grateful to the both of them for that. “Matt, please…”
I don’t even have to finish my sentence, he already gets it. Holding up his hands in surrender, he replies, “I know, I know, don’t ask. I’ll let it go this time Marley, I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever need me. I mean that.”
My eyes brim with tears at Matt’s words. I’ve never had a true family. There’s never been anyone in my life that loved me unconditionally or worried about me. When I met Carmen and Matt I never once expected either of them to beat at the walls I’d surrounded myself with until they finally made it through. They forced their way into my life and heart, and I’m so glad they did. For the first time in my life, I finally feel like I have a family. I just wish I was able to open up to them like they want. I wish I wasn’t so broken.
“I know, Matty. And I love you for that. I just…can’t, okay?” I desperately hope he understands why I can’t confide all of my secrets. I’m so scared that if he or Carmen find out some of the things I’ve done, they’d never look at me the same. I wouldn’t be able to live with that. I’ve survived so much in my twenty-two years, but losing Matt or Carmen? That would shatter me.
Matt places his hands on my shoulders and gives them a reassuring squeeze. “Okay, baby doll, enough with the serious. Get your cute butt out there and start making those tips. College courses don’t pay for themselves, you know.”
And just like that, everything is back to normal. I’m heading out of the break room when a thought hits me, stopping me in my tracks. “Matt,” I say as I spin back around to face him. “That guy—”
“He’s already gone, Marley. It’s all good.”
I know I should feel relief, but there’s a small part of me that’s disappointed I’m not going to see him again. Oh, well. This is definitely for the best. A man like that would be destructive to my sanity. No doubt.
He hooks his arm across my shoulders and drags me out of the break room. “One of these days, baby doll. One of these days. I’m gonna get you to talk if it’s the last thing I do.”
I don’t bother telling him not to hold his breath.