Go on, Gin.
Let me make sure that all is quiet outside the door. I did not manage to get a map, but I think that we can just continue to head east once we are rested in the morning.
Gin slid off the bed and crossed the room. She stuck her head out into the hallway to find that it was indeed empty. She pulled the door shut behind her, locked it, and took a few deep breaths as she walked over to the fireplace. “Are you sure you want to know?” Sath nodded. “Okay.” She took down one of the barriers in their bond that she had fought so hard to keep and let him see the inside of the Alynatalosian Embassy on Qatu’anari.
Nineteen
Into Gin’s Memories Again, and Again
It was dark in the room when Gin opened her eyes. She was alone, or at least she thought she was. It was too dark to really tell, but she didn’t sense anyone else near her. She exhaled quietly and rolled over onto her side. The cold marble felt good, as her skin seemed to sting and burn all along her arms and legs.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been unconscious. Speaking ancient words, she conjured a wisp that provided little light to the whole room but let Gin at least know where she was. It was the bedchamber, as always, with its imposing marble walls and a four-poster bed in the corner. Her nose twitched as she caught the scent of food nearby. Gin sent the wisp to her right and smiled as she saw a plate of fruit and bread and cheese. She scrambled along the floor and grabbed an apple from the plate, hungrily tearing into its sweet flesh with her teeth. A stein sat near the plate, and Gin snatched it up as soon as she was done with the apple. She pushed the lever on the handle that opened the lid, and the fragrant aroma of mead filled her nose. She took a swig and then set the stein back down.
Gin rubbed her eyes as she tried to get to her feet. With no windows in the room, she had given up wondering what day it was. She had so much missing time that it was impossible to be sure. The embassy buildings were constructed with the bedchamber in the middle of the building, so that the rest of the structure served as protection around it. Gin’s breath hitched involuntarily as the image of Ben’s face entered her mind. Her thoughts were so muddled where he was concerned that she honestly had no idea how she felt about him. There were very clear recollections of absolute terror and pain, and then there were moments of such tender kindness that it made her eyes tear up just to think of them. As she broke off a large wedge of cheese to nibble on, she rubbed the back of her neck, careful to avoid the bruising there from Ben’s deceptively strong fingers.
“May I do that for you, my love?” Ben said, stepping out of a corner of the room into the dim light provided by Gin’s wisp. She jumped at his appearance, dropping the cheese on the floor. He moved closer to her, but she snatched the cheese up and scrambled away from him, closer to the door. “Now, Ginny, what’s the matter with you? We don’t eat food off the floor.”
“Stay…back,” she stammered, hating the weakness in her voice and body whenever Ben was close by.
“Come on up here,” he cooed as he gestured toward the giant bed. “I will call one of the healers to come and take your pain away. It is the least I can do.” Gin glared at him, and he moved away from the bed. She nearly sprinted to it, jumping up and pulling the covers up over herself. Before she could blink, Ben was back at her side. He chuckled, but his eyes burned with fury.
“Now, Ginny, before I call the healer, I am here because we need to discuss something. I hear that you made another attempt to leave the Embassy the other day. That is not wise. You know that it is too dangerous for you out there. Suppose that filthy Qatu decided to take his revenge on you for what your kind did to his cub?” Gin blinked her eyes a few times. That made sense, perfect sense. Of course Sathlir would try to hurt her. Memories flooded her mind of Sath lunging for her with those terrible claws, roaring as he ran at her. She touched the side of her face, her fingers tracing the scar still visible on her cheek from her first-ever encounter with the Rajah of Qatu’anari. Ben smiled at her, the fury subsiding. “Yes, just like that and much, much worse, Ginny.”
She looked up at him, utter confusion clouding her ice-blue eyes. “You mean worse than what you have done?” she asked innocently. Ben’s nostrils flared as his countenance seethed with immediate rage.
“I have done nothing but love you and try to protect you, you ungrateful little…” He snatched her up by her throat, pulling her mere inches from his nose. “You still would prefer him to me, after I have given you this magnificent place to live and promised you would become Queen of all of Orana. You still would prefer that beast!” He shook her hard. “You will have to earn your way back into my good graces this time, my pet. You are mine, Ginny, for always!” he screamed as he threw her off the bed and onto the inflexible marble floor. Gin landed right on her face, and her right cheekbone immediately burst into conflagrations of agony. Stars shot before her eyes, and she curled up into a ball, sobbing from the pain.
She opened her eyes carefully when she felt something close to her face. The toe of Ben’s boot was mere inches from her nose. She rolled onto her other side as she tried to push herself away from him, but she ran into his other boot, as his stance straddled her face. “Let me get up, Ben, please?” she begged, keeping her eyes on his boot.
“Show me that you want to be here, and I will,” he murmured as he bent down and took her ponytail in his hand. Kneeling over her, he pulled her head back until she was looking up at him. Skin stretching across her still stinging cheekbone drew fresh tears to her eyes. “Stop crying and be brave, like I know you can be!” he exclaimed as he pulled her up to her feet and into his chest roughly. She fought him, pulling away. “You will not break, why will you not break?” His lips enveloped hers in a rough kiss, and she bit down hard on his mouth, causing him to cry out. He slapped her hard and dropped her to the ground, then crossed the room to the door, making sure he flattened her conjured wisp under his boot as he went. “Fine. There’s a fresh round of spell testing tomorrow, so you might want to get some sleep.” The stone door clanged behind him, leaving the only sound in the room that of Gin’s hitching sobs.
It was the next day before Ben returned, but Gin was unable to sleep. She tried eating the rest of the food he had brought her and counting everything that she could imagine, but she still couldn’t even doze off. She heard him in the next room speaking some sort of strange language…probably Eldyr. Steeling her resolve, she was ready by the time he entered the room.
“So, pet, any bad dreams last night?”
“Leave me alone, haven’t you done enough?” She pushed herself as far as she could get into the pillows and the headboard of the bed.
“Oh, my Ginny, you’ve grown so cynical,” Ben said, clucking his tongue in disappointment. “What has happened to steal away the bright young girl I knew growing up in the Great Forest?” He crossed the room and sat on the foot of the bed. “Now, we’ve work to do today, Ginny, and if you cooperate with me, it will be fast.” She leaned toward him, and he scooted up closer to her only to have her spit in his face. Ben scowled as he wiped his cheek off with his sleeve. “However, if you are disagreeable, it will be most slow and quite excruciating.” He reached out faster than she could see him move and pulled her by her arm across the bed. She tried to keep her balance but toppled over, face first, into his lap. “Ah! Have you changed your mind?”
“May Ikara take you,” she hissed, her face pressed into the fabric covering his right leg. She thought about biting him but just didn’t have the energy.
“No? Well, I will just have to change it for you.” He pushed into her mind, and Gin felt the intrusion. She pushed back as hard as she could, but his talent was too great. Things grew dim and then dark. “Much better, my love,” she heard Ben whisper as she just…forgot.
Sath was staring at her, saucer-eyed and slack-jawed. Gin snapped her fingers, bringing him back to the room in the inn—bringing herself out of the memory as well. She was not quite ready to use her voice, though, so after she made sure t
o close up those memories from him in the bond, she addressed him there. Sath wouldn’t meet her gaze anyway.
Well? Still think I might have preferred him to you, Rajah? Do you still think I was his MATE?” Even if you only said that to Josiah to scare him-
How was I to know? You never told me. You never told any of us, not even Tee.
You knew what Ben was like, and yet you still think that of me just because I didn’t give you details? Unbelievable.
Wait, Gin, please-
There was no answer, just the closing off of her mind to his. Sath looked up to see that Gin had crawled into the bed and pulled the blanket up over her shoulders. He sat on the floor, watching her for a long time in silence, counting the number of times her shoulder rose and fell as she would breathe in and back out. She was still there in the back of his mind, a low and comforting hum, but he didn’t dare try to reach her now.
Sath finally summoned the courage to move around to the other side of the bed, and the sight of her so peacefully asleep nearly did him in. He tucked in the blanket around her, avoiding the spot that she had clenched in her fist. A glint of steel caught his eye as he gently smoothed the hair away from her face, and he looked again at her balled-up fist. She was holding a knife in her hand. Where had she found a weapon?
Sath stepped back, dumbfounded. She must have stolen it from the kitchen earlier. Gin had never been one for weapons and certainly not hand to hand types like that. What had changed? Was it her diminished magical ability on this side of the world, under the influence of the Mother Dragon? Was it the summoning up of old memories of that wizard? Or perhaps was she afraid…of him? Sath’s heart ached at the mere thought, but his rational mind told him that he had given her plentiful reasons to fear him…yet he never sensed it on her. Perhaps this was why? Her voice in his mind, sudden and unbidden and still very angry, took him by surprise.
If you’re going to stare at me, could you go back around behind me, please, Sath? I do not like being watched while I sleep, and at least if you’re back there, it isn’t as obvious.
Sath sighed loudly and returned to his seat on the floor. At least her tracking ability seemed to be back to normal. He continued watching her until her breathing again slowed into the rhythm of sleep. Sleep claimed him too, but not for many agonizing hours. Before drifting off, he heard every creak and pop that the stone keep made, he listened to conversations in the corridor that preceded illicit couplings, and he began counting how many times Gin mumbled or whimpered in her sleep. There had to be a way for her to leave that part of her life behind for good. Sath didn’t have any more of a clue how to do that than he did how to get them back home. He fidgeted, finally found a comfortable position that might allow him the escape of sleep and kept his watch over her as she dreamed.
She ran as fast and as hard as she could, her feet slapping against the frozen ground of the mountains. Her icy strands of hair whipped against her face like a tiny cat-o-nine tail, slicing her skin and bringing tears to her eyes, tears that froze almost on contact with her skin. Though she had not looked back in quite some time, she could tell that it was following her and that it would soon be upon her. Its breath was ragged and hot against the back of her neck, and she could feel eyes burning a hole in the back of her head.
If only she could get to the Temple of the Mother in time! She knew that she would be safe there, that the drakes bound there would give her comfort and aid and keep her safe from her pursuer. She could float among the dragonkind there just as her ancestors had, and she would never be hungry or cold—or as bone-weary, as she was now—ever again. She rubbed her eyes on the sleeve of her tunic to clear them, but when she opened them again, she knew she had been caught. Teal eyes burned with hunger, and a low growl filled her ears.
She screamed as the claws closed around her arms. She writhed in the grip that tore her tunic and cut into her flesh. She kicked and scratched, but her limbs could gain no purchase against her pursuer, now turned attacker. “PLEASE!” she cried out. “Please just kill me quickly, I can take no more!” She shut her eyes tightly and resumed her defensive strikes, yet made no headway.
“Gin? Hold still and stop…oof!”
Gin opened her eyes to see Sath bent over her, holding her down to the bed in their room in the inn. Some bits of the dream still clung to her. She shivered, her eyes were wild as she scanned the room, trying to make what she saw fit into the last vestiges of the dream, still playing out in her mind’s eye. “S-Sath?”
“Yes. Gin, wake up, you had a bad dream,” he said, the relief evident in his voice. He released his hold on her shoulders, and she shot up out of bed, then scampered across the room and dropped into a defensive crouch near the door.
“What…it was chasing me…the Qatu had me…and then it was you…?” She stared at Sath as he moved toward her. “You…just stay over there for a moment.” Sath froze in his tracks and lifted his hands, holding them out to her with his palms facing out. “You…just stay…” She rubbed her eyes vigorously for a moment with the heels of her hands as she tried to gain a foothold in whatever reality she’d found herself. The sound of wind from the dream faded away, and the stinging throb in the soles of her feet eased. She looked at her arms and saw only scars where moments before there had been scratches and other open wounds. “I was…dreaming…”
“Yes, a pretty nasty one at that from the way you were carrying on,” Sath said, extending a hand to help her up and out of the corner. She did not accept his help but instead sat on the floor for a few minutes longer, her arms wrapped around her knees as she held them close to her chest. It was the memory that the wizard placed in her mind to make her fear Sath, nothing more—but why had it resurfaced? “Gin? You’re not in the dream anymore, darlin', you’re here, and you’re safe,” he said gently, a soothing purr rumbling behind his words.
“How can I know that for sure? Everything is so awful every way that I turn, it all must be a bad dream!” she exclaimed. Sath said nothing but continued his rumbling purr. “I am the Nature Walker, but I can’t contact the All-Mother like my ancestors did. I do not know who to trust anymore, so I trust no one. I am a Guardian, so I shouldn’t have to ask for help from anyone. I cannot contact the other Guardians when I need to ask help. That leaves me horribly and painfully lonely, and I feel some days that my soul is destroyed beyond belief.” Tears ran down her face. “And it never gets better. It should, the laws of the universe say that it should even out, and I should catch a break, and things should start to look up for me, but they never do. How do I feel safe anywhere when I trust no one but myself? You should have left me in Bellesea Keep—or with Ben—but you always come for me! Why? Why do you keep bringing me back to this ghastly existence?!? I cannot do anything to make amends for my mistakes. I cannot find a stable life or constant love. Why, Sath, can you not just let me go?” Gin’s words dissolved into long, hitching sobs. Sath remained still, watching her until she quieted. Her words were fueled by the dream more than reality, but so much of what she said rang true that she couldn’t stop herself.
“May I speak now, because that needs an answer?” he asked. Gin nodded as she sniffled. “The reason I keep bringing you back, the reason I always come for you, and I will always find you is that I love you, simple as that. You have broken my trust and my heart. You have betrayed me, my house, and my son. And yet without you, I barely know who I am.” He paused to let his words sink in—this was the most vulnerable he had been with her—or probably anyone, for that matter. The feeling of dangling over the edge of a cliff was growing in her chest. “You make me want to be a good father, and a fair Rajah—so that I am worthy of you.”
“Sath,” Gin whispered, awestruck. “I am hardly worth that sort of sentiment. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better, Sath, I truly do, but -” Sath let out a frustrated roar, and Gin flinched. She could feel him in the bond and knew how close to the edge they both were, and it was not the time for that conversation. Not yet. “We need to move on fr
om here. I am afraid that Josiah will try to follow us, so we must sneak out now, under the cover of night. It’s not like I will sleep anymore tonight anyway. Let me scout the hallways to see if we are in the clear, at least?” She projected as much understanding as she could at him in their bond, and Sath nodded in response. “Be right back.”
“Be careful,” he whispered. “Be careful.”
Sath?
Yes, darlin’?
I love you.
I know.
He settled back in their bond to listen and Gin smiled. Not quite so close to that edge. Not quite.
Twenty
No More Room at the Inn
Gin walked briskly down the hall as she tried to remember what the landscape looked outside the inn. It felt as though they had been there for weeks when it was actually only one night and not even a whole one at that. In truth, she was having trouble focusing on anything but Sath. He was a calm yet attentive presence in the back of her mind, and he loved her. Miraculous, that’s what he was. She certainly hadn’t expected his reaction to be anything but disgust when she told him about her time with Ben.
Finally, she reached the dining room near the entrance and found a few of the human men that seemed to be on staff in the inn, eating their nightly meal at one of the tables. “My Lady Nature Walker,” they said, standing at attention at her approach.
Your reputation precedes you.
Stop it, Your Majesty. I need to concentrate.
Gin could feel Sath’s rumbling amusement, and it made her smile. “Please, be at your ease,” she said to those gathered at the table. “I merely need some information, and then I will leave you to your meal.”
Darkness: A Guardians of Orana Novel Page 17