This Love Could Not Be Delivered

by Lu Min

  Lan Ying had quickly taken a big turn in her way of thinking, always nodding. If only they could get Xiaoqing to stop that eccentric hostility-whatever it would take, Lan Ying was willing to have a try. However, will Xiaoqing believe their story? That selfish deviousness of hers. Even I'm afraid of it.

  Don't worry. She's just a child-only six years old…Lu Zhongsheng had his hips bent halfway while standing in front of the north balcony, looking into Xiaoqing's room. He got an idea just like that-a big idea. Isn't it a good idea? Why, it's rock solid. It's a diamond idea.

  [3]

  The short parents' meeting for new first graders had just finished and Xiaoqing, lowering her head to get berated, was called into the office. What about the notice to your parents about the meeting? What-you lost it? Out of forty-two students' parents for your grade, why are yours the only ones not to come? Of course if your parents are busy, you can let your grandparents come-but not a single member of your family could make it? They're busier than the premier? Even if they were premiers, they could've let us know!

  Xiaoqing remained silent as her eyes peered through the hair dangling in front of her face. Indeed, she'd intentionally forgot to bring the notice. It was part of a carefully prepared plan. For three years in kindergarten, she was being asked if her parents were really her grandparents, and she'd had enough. Her classmates always seemed to have an edge with their young parents supporting them…But to her the first grade with the change in environment was a new opportunity. She confidently believed her personal talents could overcome all obstacles-she decided to tell her classmates that Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying were her grandparents. Wouldn't that solve it? It would leave her classmates with nothing to gossip about. But if they saw Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying at the parents' meeting they'd certainly figure it out…Xiaoqing listened to the teacher yelling at her with her head lowered. Xiaoqing's only way out was to survive that one grilling. Everything would be fine for her as long as the teacher didn't tell her parents. She couldn't let her classmates see her parents escorting her out of the teacher's office. If they did, her plan would fail, and once the plan failed, the rest of her six years in elementary school would be a failure…

  The teacher was apparently in a bad mood that day. What's more, she believed that insincere students need a round comeuppance the first time they act up. The teacher believed that if she let Xiaoqing fall flat on her face, Xiaoqing would be much more sincere and organized later on. Clearly, the child forgot to give her parents the notice. It's always best to teach these forgetful types an early lesson.

  The teacher maintained her irate posture, grabbed Xiaoqing's bookbag and emptied the contents out onto the table. Xiaoqing had surprisingly few of her first-grade textbooks in there, and in only a cursory search-Well look what we have here…the notice is stuck in your math book. And oh-this is really bad. You somehow got the idea to doodle on the back-you're completely out of order! The teacher grabbed it, steaming mad, and exactly like a teacher, she took the notice with doodles on the back, shredded it to pieces, and threw it up in the air.

  By that time six year-old Xiaoqing started tearing up. On the other side of the notice, the freshly-shredded drawing, was a magic, pink pill. She'd drawn how her parents looked after taking it, and how they instantly changed into young, normal parents with black hair, all their teeth, a straight back-mom was wearing a miniskirt and dad was wearing blue jeans. How did could the teacher rip it up? Was it be destined to be just another a drawing?

  Xiaoqing's tears streamed down her face like a small river. She somehow didn't have the chance to cry these tears at home, so she might as well have let them all out at school.

  After seeing Xiaoqing's tear-ducts gushing like a broken dam, the teacher started to feel somewhat satisfied, seeing Xiaoqing's tears as a sign that Xiaoqing was sorry and would change her ways. Standing victorious, the teacher grabbed the phone and ordered, Say it. What's your home phone number? Get them over here to pick you up. Show all your classmates what losing a notice for their parents will get them.

  The phone call gave Lu Zhongsheng and his wife a boost of confidence to tell Xiaoqing about Danqing. Our girl tried to pull something really big! They rushed to the school together, encouraging and supporting each other the whole way. That's it. That's how we'll say it. We'll tell Xiaoqing a big lie and make Danqing a lie. We're doing it for her own good, and she needs it. Otherwise she'll always be caught up in the parents or grandparents problem…Anyways, the family had nothing more to lose (nor anything to gain) . It didn't matter what was to come of the lie or how it would end. Even if they were digging out a hole so they could fill in another, they didn't know any better. All three of them were just going to have to jump in the hole.

  "Bainixiande" 26

  [1]

  Someone with a mysterious look in his eye asked Si Jia a series of math questions. If you had a 64-checkered chess board and put a grain of rice in the first space, two grains in the next, four grains in the third, and eight grains in the fourth all the way until all the spaces were filled in the same manner, how many grains of rice would you have used?

  The man wore his usual black suit and red tie, with the collar of his white shirt stained light brown from being constantly soaked in sweat. He and Si Jia were participating in a shorthand training course at the time. In those years night schools were especially popular, and everyone was fantasizing about how they could learn some practical skill in night school and establish a second profession for extra income. Furthermore the demand shorthand was said to be in rapid increase. Si Jia had a day job but had excess free time in the evening, so she decided to take the course. Then during the course the black suit struck up a conversation with her.

  You'd need a bag of rice, about twenty-five kilograms. Si Jia was charmed by the man's sparkling eyes and had carelessly given a perfunctory answer.

  Haha! Someone before her said you'd need a big scoop. But apparently you're an intelligent woman, and you're able to imagine it's a big bag. But I'll tell you, I'm afraid there isn't enough bags in the world. Have a look at this. Then he pulled out a wrinkly piece of paper with a prepared formula written on it:

  1+2^1+2^2+2^3+2^4+…+2^63+2^64-1 = 18844674073709551615

  You know how much rice that is? I can tell you that such a quantity of rice could cover the earth. Do you think there are any bags that big in the whole world?

  What's that got to do with me? Si Jia said, rolling her eyes. She concealed her cold smile. He's barking up the wrong tree. Does he think he can use a silly game like this as a pretext to chat with me and get a girlfriend?

  True, it doesn't have anything to do with you. But if I told you there was some way to turn that rice into money, and furthermore you could be the person in the 64 th position and have enough money to cover the whole world? The black suit then gave her a well-practiced wink, and a little spark in his eye, quite dazzling, flickered like gold. Si Jia was caught off guard and somehow got sucked into it. Money is a good thing-wouldn't she know? Why, it was the first item on that small list of hers. As a single woman, she knew the importance of money right when she opened the door.

  This is how, in the beginning of 1996, Si Jia came in contact with sales, which was already popular throughout China for a year.

  The black suit's choreographed gestures were enlightening to Si Jia. What's the current trend in China? Have you read about "Company Regulations"? They were implemented just last year, and they've had a big effect. Simply put, if you want to declare bankruptcy, declare it; if you want to be the legal representative of a company, do it. If you want to merge, merge, and if you want to fire someone, fire them. On the bright side, it's making national enterprises reform themselves, but actually, isn't it just laying people off? Take look all around you and look at how many sorry faces have been suddenly derailed from the employment track, whisked out from businesses and thrust out into society. It's like shepherds have put their flocks out on the concrete pavement, one flock after the other. What can
they do? They have no skills nor possessions, and they have responsibilities to both their older and younger relatives…What could save them? You guessed it-it's those 64 squares of rice-that miraculous, limitlessly abundant rice! You and I are about to embark on a magnificent, glorious enterprise that can save millions of regular folks from disaster! No, it's not Amway, nor is it Avon…those are too out-dated and their days are numbered. The enterprise we're about to undertake is called Sunny-rider, which we've "translated" into Chinese as "Bainixiande". Okay, no matter if it's Sunny-rider or Bainixiande-do you know what it is? It's a divine, saving grace which will pull the masses up out of their gloomy lives and into a ray of golden brilliance, igniting the fires of every man, woman and child's financial dreams. We're ahead and showing the way to all Chinese. It enriches the people's lives and is a boon that spreads love to everyone. The most crucial thing is, every one of them only needs to invest just a little. It's standing at that last space, just waiting for that bulging sack that could cover the whole world with rice. You get it?

  Si Jia still didn't get it completely, because what attracted Si Jia was in fact not that sack of rice. Her desire for money was practical, her being an attractive daughter from a humble family. Her situation was a far cry from the mania of a group salesmen, but the chivalrous valor conveyed by the black suit was appealing to her. Wasn't that incredible, soaring passion the feeling she'd been looking for all along? She could use it as excuse to escape the meaningless drudgery of her everyday life…Okay then! Let's go! I'm in! I've been going it alone for too long anyway. Better to stand with this group of kindred spirits and dedicate myself to a new enterprise. What's more, there'll be a pot of gold in the end. What in the world could be more meaningful than that?

  [2]

  Si Jia had quickly become a notable woman rising to the top, and being very civic-minded, she became the most outstanding speaker in Bainixiande. In meetings with hundreds or even thousands of people in murky air, she made heartfelt pleas for everyone to chant: I can do it! I'm fantastic! Go, go! I'll succeed. I will succeed! Success is guaranteed! The crowd offstage responded loudly, their faces covered in tears, I will succeed! I will get rich! The sound was earthshaking as they sung in chorus, "Persevere to Win", and when they were leaving they very firmly shook hands and gave their best regards. I wish you great success! You're sure to find it…Heat and shudders of excitement spread all throughout the crowd like a contagion, and all the while there were occasional announcements made about other sales divisions. Someone refers ten downlines, then each of those ten people refer ten more…The first one's income is already 120,000 yuan!…Ah, keep at it! Tomorrow that will be us. Everyone was clapping together in rhythm and laughing and crying like infants unable to restrain themselves.

  Objectively speaking, up to that point, Si Jia wasn't anyone to intentionally follow fads. It was just that she was too lonely, and yet she possessed a passion, searching for something she could rely on-something that would, all the better, cover up her weaknesses. Thus, every time there was a wave, she could put her whole self into catching it, riding inside of it, swerving up and down through it, and she'd imagine, all the while, that she'd grasped onto the real meaning of life. And thus she continued on, and even though she was busy to the point of talking her mouth parch dry and going down a dress size, she still never saw a "grain of rice" from the black suit. Of course, they had an expanding plethora of chess spaces-throngs were joining in, continuously pouring in, with every one of them dreaming about their future and firmly believing they'd become the 64 th space. Bainixiande already had branches in over a hundred cities, and the snowball looked increasingly gigantic as it rolled. But no one knew ultimately whose mysterious hand it was that was pushing it, nor where it would finally end up stopping.

  As a charismatic speaker, Si Jia was scheduled for national speaking tours on her weekends. She often stood on a temporary stage, looking out onto a vast crowd of seemingly crazed, strange faces-laid off, unemployed, resigned, on strike…like black flowers roiling out of dust, ever convinced, following her and taking orders. After every big gathering they'd stand in a long line with everyone optimistically and confidently whipping out paper money to buy fifty or a hundred products…But she started feeling seriously insecure, and a sense of deja-vu numbed her body, starting from the ground up.

  …No. What was there to trust about her? Someone trusted her like that once before, and she let him do whatever he wanted with his finger. But what came of it? He got killed…Si Jia wanted to put a stop to all of that, but it was too late. She didn't have the authority, and the black suit had already scheduled the next month for her. She was like a huge doll or a poster stand sales product, being shuffled from one stage to another similar stage. She perfunctorily called out, arms outstretched, and made grand lectures to ever-higher waves of oncoming crowds…

  It continued all the way till one day when in a grand, echoey, old factory storehouse, right when she had grasped a microphone and was about to lead people in song, a group of police unexpectedly entered the scene and blocked all of the exits. Among them was a small squad that ran straight to the stage, and Si Jia, the black suit and other organizers were rounded up to be escorted…

  Policemen! That sudden and shocked feeling-how similar it was to twelve years ago, like being thrust into a recurring dream…The crowd dispersed in all directions, then bunching and pushing each other around. The strange faces like rolling, boiling water started turning their angry, scared faces up to Si Jia. They chanted curses about being cheated, waving papers or other somethings in their hands before throwing them in the direction of the stage. Their buzzing sound was imposing as Si Jia became enveloped in their hot air…

  Si Jia looked on with wide eyes, and it was a moving scene. It was as if she was hooked in by a distant memory…I guess that back when Danqing was on that long road going to his public punishment, he must have heard similar things…Innumerable strange faces were creating a mood where they blindly followed and mutually encouraged. Their faces were the size of soy beans, and they slunk along like worms, rolling up and down like foam…

  Sure, Si Jia began to regret what she did, but she was also overcome with joy. She felt a mutual echo between warmth and palpitations, like being in the clouds (yet also like being in an abyss) . Oh, Danqing. I can see what you see. I've been waiting for this moment to, like you, become a loser. Being completely humiliated in front of a vast crowd, shamefully dying alone-this is the fruit of my actions that I should've swallowed a long time ago. I should've walked in your footsteps a long time ago…

  Si Jia, catatonic and drunk, looked out onto the crowd. Her look of happiness and content seemed to onlookers to be a persistent ignorance and refusal to admit her wrongs. Two police got angry, and loudly cussing at her, they pushed her off to the side of the stage, piling her up along with the black suit and other organizers. Ah, it doesn't matter. Rough me up harder. Have no mercy. Her hands started hurting from being tied behind her back, and this let a beam of sweet content shine down on her. It felt like a saint enlightening her or an exorcist casting demons away from her…She knew that she was the reincarnated soul of a sinner; she'd always been hurting others, starting from one person and branching out to a multitude. She'd even come to hate herself, and she'd feel better if she could only put it all to a stop…Wouldn't that be perfect?

  …The police soon returned and pulled her to the front…Si Jia carelessly followed the policeman's dragging footsteps, crossing through the pointing and critical mob and the limitless breadth of past occurrences. She could feel herself walking to the execution platform. Alright. They should have just executed her and let it be over. She furthermore had no fond memories of this world. A smile crawled up the corners of her mouth as she tacitly understood. Indeed, this is the way it should be; it's divinely determined. If it weren't, how did I suddenly lose my senses and get into sales? I went for a ride on Sunny Rider's white horse, like galloping straight to my death-it feels like rushing to back
to the office to get to an endless meeting…but I can only hope that this time my sins will be set straight.

  After hanging her head a long time, Si Jia looked slightly askance with her beautiful eyes, sending out an evanescent, dimpled smile into the empty air.

  [3]

  If you would only look at me, I'd instantly come back to life.

  I see you lifting your neck that's long like a swan's. You're greeting me and promising you're coming to meet me soon. You're coming to be with me?…Haha! Nah, that wouldn't happen. What was I thinking, my lady?

  Your punishment will be light. Do you really think you could be an infamous villain? Don't be naive. Many people are a lot crazier than you. There's quite a lot of cheating, killing bastards in the world. You're nothing but a targeted, exploited pawn. The investigation will soon reveal this, and you'll be released. You'll return to your life in a faraway place…the path to where I am is very long, and there are all kinds of ups and downs waiting for you in this human world first.

  In short, I don't like the mentality you're taking on-this way of being…you've learned it from others. It's not good. Where did your aloofness go? Do you remember when I just died? How cool and you were, and what a fantastic presence you had! You didn't shed a tear for me. That was great. I like you best when you're relaxed, at ease, and being yourself. When did you start having that damned sense of original sin? You're so gloomy, it's like you're carrying around the burden of my death all day, dragging along our sin like you had nothing better to do. And hey, where did you get the idea that you owe me my life? Why don't you understand that you don't? There's a symbiosis between us. I was meant to be this way, and you should just be yourself-destiny is riding on this track, and its combination is distinct and uncrackable…