by Lu Min
I have to tell you that with the track your destiny has taken…even if you would have refused that one particular sales pitch, you'd still have gotten into trouble playing the stock market or some similar scheme. It's like a fever that was waiting to flare up. You already had a lot of Qi blockage in your body. In earlier times, the ingredients were complex, coming from your stepfather, our night, your mother's dance, your private incidents with the translator…But what's important is that you still don't have the life you deserve. You don't have friends, you're far away from your family…living like a chained beast in a veritable cage, how couldn't it have flared up? Si Jia, you don't need to change anything about yourself-just continue being seduced by the irrational, taking punishment, bleeding a bit, passing out, faking one of your deaths… Only then will you be able to wake up again, ruffling your feathers like a phoenix and getting another chance to soar.
"Big Brother Danqing"
[1]
Xiaoqing opened her eyes to see her mom and dad standing in front of her bed. It was a Sunday and Xiaoqing's morning music class didn't start until ten, and even then it was rescheduled and didn't start until afternoon. Her dad promised her she could sleep in that morning, but she didn't sleep soundly at all, as she was sensing someone was trying to wake her up. She opened her eyes, and sure enough, her dad and mom were in her room waiting for her to rise.
Seeing she'd opened her eyes, her mom and dad suddenly crowded in and were happily rubbing their hands together. They were overjoyed, and quite sincerely so, as they seemed to have very important news to announce. Is it about the parents' meeting? That was a few days ago. They still haven't yelled at me-bring it on then. But what's my excuse?…Xiaoqing racked her brain for a while, then she decided to play dumb and let them have the first word. She pulled herself up, rubbing her eyes, her face displaying a convincing look of confusion.
Xiaoqing, we want to tell you something. Her dad took in a breath, squinting his eyes and smiling. But he'd forgotten to shave that morning and had obvious dark circles around his eyes, which contrasted with his joyful energy, and thus she'd figured out that he was surely going to lie. Xiaoqing easily jumped to this conclusion, but quickly put on an attentive, naive look. Okay dad. Tell me-I'm listening.
Oh, I should let your mother say it, her dad said, cracking under pressure. He coughed as he picked up a glass of water that got cold overnight, starting to drink.
Then you say it, mom. I'm listening. Xiaoqing maintained a soft-spoken voice, and a look of piqued curiosity was on her face. In actuality, Xiaoqing was unusually conservative with her naive inquisitiveness and maintained a sharp wit. They're definitely going to lie. They're just pretending they have something to say to me-that's all. What they're really planning to do is trick me.
It was nothing new, this intangible, impugnable feeling of being lied to that followed Xiaoqing around like a shadow. It started when she was little, and stuck with her ever since. She knew that her mom and dad were very good to her, working as hard as they did-and she knew how difficult it was for them, to such an extent that she couldn't enjoy it in peace and even started to hate that kind of good. Being as weak as they were, it would have been better for them just to make compromises and let things slide a bit…Why do they have to be so good? Is it because they're feeling apologetic, guilty, or trying to make up for something? What in the world, then, is that "something"? How long do they plan to hide it? They're certain that somewhere in the world there's an impenetrable wall-is that right? Ha! What's a wall anyway? The wind will blow on the wall a bit here and there-and why wouldn't the wind blow by my ears? It'll happen sooner or later. In any case I happen to have a lot of patience and time. If they wanted to run a race against the clock with me, how could they ever win?
Lu Zhongsheng solemnly nudged Lan Ying to the front of Xiaoqing's bed. Her cheeks flushed red like giant flowers, and she had to press on her wildly beating heart with her hand. Luckily she put it well, in a smooth, natural way indeed. Apparently, last night's work had come to fruition. Think of it this way, Xiaoqing. It's good news-enormously good news. You, in fact, have an older brother…much older than you-thirty-one years old this year…Do you understand now, that we had your brother so many years back. We have to be this old now…Please don't blame us for hiding it from you for so long. But because your brother doesn't live with us and is always out of town, the question of whether or not we should tell you was never all that important…
Xiaoqing clapped her hands lightly as she lit up in a smile. Wow! That's fantastic. What good news it is! Why did you wait till now to tell me?…Haha. I have a big brother now…From now on, could I call on my big brother when someone bullies me, my teacher yells at me again, or there's a tough question? She danced like a little princess in circles, and her white, checkered skirt floated upward. Interesting! Naivety could also somehow manifest itself in such a vivid way.
Sure, no matter what it is, we can always ask him for you…Seeing how Xiaoqing's little face lit up like a light bulb, Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying let out a big sigh of relief. The light in Xiaoqing's face could have been a stage light used to make artificial atmospheres or a lie-penetrating x-ray lens. But no matter what kind of light it was, Xiaoqing's little face had indeed lit up.
[2]
Hehe. Xiaoqing really smiled that time.
She waited for her dad and mom to leave home and let her be alone again in that west-facing balcony furnished into a small room. Then she mustered all of her intellectual and deductive powers, starting to analyze her parents’ words. Which part is probably true, and which part is probably false? This can be known almost with complete certainty…
She'd actually had a strong sense that there was someone like that, another family member. Sometimes her dad and mom mentioned someone's name in passing, but it was too fast for her to catch. More often than not they'd vaguely say, He…
Back when he got a fever he didn't get an IV. When he lost a tooth it didn't bleed. He already started to read when he was five…
Whenever they encountered challenging issues, a challenging situation, or a conflict concerning Xiaoqing's education, they reminded and inspired each other, remembering "his" situation at the time…They always figured that Xiaoqing wouldn't understand in such situations, that she was already sleeping, or that the walls were thick enough…But actually Xiaoqing heard everything, and she was sure there was someone, another family member.
Xiaoqing racked her brains, pulling out an old, rusty tin which she'd already seen privately countless times…
It was about six months ago when she was using a laundry stick to sweep under a cabinet for a marble that'd rolled away when she suddenly felt something in the way. What was it? She fished it out with no small effort-it was a filthy tin, originally for white nougats, that was completely covered with dust. When she opened it, there were empty cigarette packs, three old copper bullet shells, a small, toy bike with movable wheels, and even some things Xiaoqing couldn't recognize. They were all dark and old, and Xiaoqing didn't like any of them.
Whose was it? Apparently it belonged to a boy. Maybe he thought of these toys as his most precious treasures. He found an appropriate container where he secretly collected and even hid them from adults, under the impression he found the perfect, shady spot where no one would notice…
Who in the world was he, then? Did he used to live in this room? In what years was he here? Now he's much older. Where did he go? She held this one, solitary clue countless times with wild imaginings and blind surmises. It was like swimming in the middle of a vast sea, desperately exhausted, with ultimately no tangible shore to grasp onto…
It was then that Xiaoqing had again picked up the tin and repeatedly poured over it with her eyes. The old iron tin was covered with rust spots, but Xiaoqing had wiped it so clean that one could lick it with his tongue. Aye, getting the new information her dad and mom gave her was like tightly grabbing a piece of driftwood thrown in her lap and combining all the various clues she'
d stored up over time…
…Their abruptly-uttered "Big Brother Danqing" should be real, and the tin should be his. So, why doesn't he live with us, and why is he always out of town? There was no rational explanation given for this.
But in any case, it seems I really do have a big brother. Dad and mom are about the right age, aren't they? The girl was overjoyed, feeling she was no longer so alone and awkward. Furthermore she believed this conundrum would, like a ball of knotted yarn, unravel as time passed. Since her dad and mom had already said this much, they were certain to reveal a good deal more-slowly but surely. Like walking out into a big street from an alley, step by step, the space around her was surely going to open up before her eyes…
Six year-old Xiaoqing smiled sincerely with limitless optimism for what was to come.
After that, things indeed developed as Lu Zhongsheng had boldly planned. Xiaoqing was still a child after all, and so even with the obvious weakness in the "big brother" announcement, she still didn't ask about it any-more. She furthermore became much more agreeable and energetic. When she was in an occasional pesky mood, all Lu Zhongsheng had to do was say, You know, your big brother is much better behaved than you. When he was little…She'd instantly start behaving well and perk up her ears to capture more details about the insignificant details of big brother's life. She listened very attentively, not willing to let one word slip away. Sometimes it was surely suspicious the way she'd get pesky like that only to hear more stories about her "older brother", but she knew that it was a felicitous game for the story teller. Her dad would always stop what he was doing, push up his eyeglasses, like getting ready to lovingly accuse her. Yet it was with some shyness that he'd clear his throat and perspicuously starting speaking with a sparkle of distant brilliance in his eyes, As a matter of fact, your big brother is one smart cookie…
However Xiaoqing was able to grasp analogies, and she began using the same battle tactic. When she wanted to watch cartoons or have an ice-sickle she'd always get cute and say things like, Just agree with me. If Big Brother Danqing was here, he'd surely tell you to. Surely Big Brother Danqing loves me more than you do. Whenever she put it that way, Lu Zhongsheng would get soft, and he'd start to feel sad and sorry for her, putting on a fake smile. No matter what she wanted, he'd always give in.
The scene repeated itself over and over, becoming a kind of impromptu comedy theater. There was no need for makeup, getting into character, or writing a script. The whole family would quickly utilize all available elements from their daily lives and swing into action-and they exuded mirth and confidence like the emperor in new clothes. Whatever graced their ears, it all had a ring of realism.
…The positive effects were apparent-no matter what it was, everything could be given a segue with "Big Brother Danqing", and everyone was willing to give some slack or compromise. "Big Brother Danqing" had practically become a highly amicable diplomat for the family. He followed them around like a squinting and smiling shadow into every room of the home, on call, never angry, and forever helping anyone who mentioned his name. He was an exceedingly handy tool and a remarkably lovable personage.
Lu Zhongsheng and Lan Ying would often mention Danqing even just when they were alone without Xiaoqing present. It would happen especially when Lu Zhongsheng lost things because of his poor memory or when Lan Ying ignored her heart condition and got angry out of the blue. They'd blame each other but always say, Just see if I don't tell Danqing…If you keep this up, Danqing will get angry, too…
Danqing's existence was like magic peanut butter or a mystical lubricant, excellently aromatic and smooth. Wasn't life like this a veritable joy?
[3]
Danqing, I have to ask you a little something. Is it okay for us to do this?
Often when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep, I get very concerned. Honestly, Xiaoqing is a lot different from you when you were little. Maybe it's because we're too doting and compromising that she's somehow a bit spoiled. In reality I'm very worried, because I suspect she thinks those strange things we say are a total lie. Look. Why doesn't she ask any details? Why won't she ask to see you, give you a call or something like that? She's just pretending to believe it, and that's why she won't express doubts. I can actually figure it out when a child is overacting, and I'm sure she doesn't believe us. She's just coyly awaiting our surrender and a confession of the truth. Behold how cruel it is…
Sometimes I really don't know if she ever has any genuine feelings for us. Often when I see your mother toiling to the point her hair frizzes up and her face gets all dirty-all for Xiaoqing-I often make a point to tell Xiaoqing: Hey, in the future you should work hard to honor your mother and repay her for all she's done for you. See what she's doing now?…
She'd always start chortling, Oh, don't you see how little I am? How could I ever repay her? Fortunately we have Big Brother Danqing, don't we? It seems like a joke yet also like some kind of devious test. She keeps an eye on me as she says it, almost as if to insist, Show me Big Brother Danqing. Where is he? Tell me now. Where in the world is he?…
Aye. Xiaoqing is so callow, and I'm getting older as the days go by. What can I do about it? The older I get, the dumber I am, and I'm always getting clumsy and losing things. Every time I'm out and need to cross the street, and my feet start feeling unresponsive. I see the cars flying by, and I hesitate time and time again. Someone needs to be close to me, otherwise I couldn't do it…Every time this happens I get to wishing hard that life were just a nightmare and that I could wake up and discover you're alive and well. You'd be looking so strong. You'd have a good job outside of school, and you'd be working with pride. You'd be by my side helping me cross the street. You'd take me in a taxi to a restaurant, order soft and easily-digestible food, and let me live out my golden years…Furthermore, you'd surely help us buy a home computer and tell us in detail about these fancy machines that everyone can use…
Why do I suddenly mention computers? Aye, it's pathetic, but Danqing, you have no idea how afraid I am of those things. It seems as if they got popular yesterday. The newspapers say things like there were millions sold of computers last year, and a few million more were already sold in this sales quarter. They've become the most important home consumer appliance, and everyone is using them and talking about them in various new code words. I don't understand what they're saying nor would I understand how a computer connects to the whole world…That profound mystery scares me. I suspect that one day this thing called the "Internet" will change everything and meld it all together. Although your mother and I's generation is backward, Xiaoqing and her classmates have no escape. They're now children of the Internet instead of the red flag, and the ambient temperature and materials used for construction have changed. It's bone-chilling. She'll likely have an entirely different future, and for someone like me who is near the end of his rope, there's no way to grasp it-and if I ever tried, it would only be in vain…
Rainbow Vomit
[1]
After getting the notice from the police, Si Jia's mother was too busy rushing around to different events, same as always. She bought another set of bags for outfits of various colors. It was amazing how many retired cadres liked her and followed her around with dazzled eyes, getting jealous over her and vying for her favor, struggling to be the one who could carry her new bags. So it was the stepfather who went to get Si Jia out of jail, paying a handsome fine which was somehow all that was to come of it.
The stepfather took Si Jia home, having her change all her dirty clothes. It was a scene quite similar to those before. Whenever she emerged from such a place, she got the mysterious, nagging sense that her clothes were filthy. The fat stepfather held the clothes and went to wash them for her just as he did before. He went to cook up some soups and things to eat-just as last time. Under night lights, the food was imbued with an aroma of all years past. It was as if Si Jia had come full circle, ending up nowhere else but in the ethos of this everyday cuisine and in
the shadow of the stepfather…
Si Jia leaned against the door frame, forcefully inhaling through her nose as she watched him and avoided eye contact. The feeling she had could truly be described a throwback to a glorious era, floating along through life's vicissitudes, not knowing where it all would end…She held back her tears as she watched her stepfather. Have a close look. See what a slob he is-how unsightly! He's nothing but an old fart. He saw Si Jia's eyes, and really there was nothing but the daft, slow vibrations of an obese man. Of all the efforts they'd put up till then, there was, in the beginning, that thirst to be close-it was once a reality, but then it was only banality and pity-that, too, was real. What an incredible practical joke feelings are! Anything-anything but a feeling is to be believed.
Si Jia with her slightly red nose took the piping hot soup out to the dining table. The chiaroscuro in the soup bore an uncanny resemblance to the wreckage of her squandered past. She tried to force out a smile, but it was a sorry excuse for one. She'd never been such a failure at smiling before. It was a tad frigid, yet it was also something of a realization-in that second there were no physical motions or complex mental acrobatics worth writing about. However, to Si Jia, there were already two vastly different worlds-like heaven and society, fire and ice, and death and rebirth.
…Yup. In fact, it was after the sales nightmare, to be precise, in that night steeped in the aroma of food and soup that Si Jia's feminine character had changed. That disregard she had for society and refusal to ever admit defeat had receded like the once-overflowing tides of November. A malaise like withered vines gradually annexed her forehead. She no longer indulgently buckled over in laughter. She no longer liked to shock people with her diatribes or randomly satirize and make fun of this or that…She was still Si Jia, but everything other than her crude, physical existence was no longer the same.