by Lu Min
[5]
Her mother left in a hurry-it was because she had a date with "little black bow tie" to retake wedding pictures. We'll have all the international ballroom styles: tango, rumba, waltz, and European court dancing. A TV station is considering interviewing us, because such a romantic couple as we are is very rare for our age. The wedding photography studio promised us a 50%discount; all we have to do is accept the interview and give them the copyright…Hey, Si Jia! You should learn from your mother. You have to be more free and easy when it comes to living and loving. You have great assets, don't you think?…The mother was flashing winks at Si Jia, proud of her understanding of life's vernal import.
The stepfather didn't make so much as a peep the whole time. He was still silent even after the mother had left. All he did was get up once in a while to check on the oxtail soup he was cooking over in the kitchen. The wonderful aroma gradually spread around the apartment, smothering the sour smell of Si Jia's vomit.
No one knew how the abandoned and insulted stepfather felt. Si Jia seemed to care nothing of it. Like patients with a terminal disease, why would she care about the way a third person looked or what the weather was outside? Si Jia maintained her silence, sparing the use of even truncated phrases. What could she possibly say to the stepfather at a time like that? Could it be that they were both in the lonely heart's club and had reason to confide in each other? Don't be so argumentative. It would be better to give myself and this family a few slaps on the head. This is the way it should be; silence is golden…Not helping is the biggest help; not relating is the best kind of relation. We should both be independent and help ourselves…I guess.
Si Jia stayed home a long time that day-almost the whole day-and she sat through the hours of her second day. Arguably she was accompanying both her stepfather and herself. Exhaustion came over her in progressive waves until she went half asleep. Dreamy ripples of her eyes' vibration rolled out. She was even given the oxtail soup while in this woozy state, and with chopped coriander sprinkled on top, she drank in the heat and nutrition of everyday society…She could even hear the stepfather walking back and forth. The slippers were bearing his heavy flesh, the flesh deemed worthless by Si Jia's mother, and they swished along as he dragged them. His obese flesh would sometimes form a line of cool shadows filing out at his side as he blocked outside sunlight.
In the haze of confusion, Si Jia was actually thinking of just one thing-why can't people escape their bodies and live outside of them? Why must they bear the burden of this filthy bag of bones? Why can't they live little more abstractly, for example, like Danqing, just as a memory, an emotional ethos, pure and refreshing…
Strange…Si Jia had thought of Danqing again, like missing a regrettable and despicable lover. He was the only one who could understand her pain. Every time she came to a dead end, every time she slammed against a wall, she'd always touch back to that base. It was as if she could request a little something to depend on, a stream of warm air, in that disappeared corner of the room on that disappeared good man…Aye. However, what should I do now? What do I have to do to reach him? Where is open road that leads to him in this world? She really started missing him. Oh yeah, actually there is an open road-his family, his parents!…But nah, how could you have the gall to go see them and talk to them? You're missing their son who's passed away, and even requesting something as small as a souvenir…If you got you wanted, would you deserve it? Think about what you did to their family. Open your eyes wide and look at yourself-you're living like a pile of dog shit! And you still have the gall to go their door and open their old wounds?
Family Games
[1]
Big Brother Danqing's almost imperceptible presence spread wildly like a taro vine in their home, utilizing a wet and fecund season as it twisted and turned with its leaves and branches burgeoning, stretching out and occupying every corner of the home.
In this family of three the one who played the game with the most involvement and enthusiasm was Xiaoqing.
For example, she'd write about how the whole family would go out to parks, fill dumplings, and how they would have holidays and so forth in her creative writing class. She'd always write about Big Brother Danqing in convincing detail. Sometimes she'd create a girlfriend for Danqing who was close to his age, and give a very realistic description of the rowdy, close and loving moments these people had. It was as if she was living in a cozy and unusually lively, big family, and her childhood seemed rife with complex and intimate human relations (unlike the several only-child girls in her class) …
Her big brother Danqing had become a unique resource for her. In conversational exchanges with her classmates, she'd often convey a kind of superiority, getting revenge for being teased so much about her old parents. She had the giddy bliss of a surf who was recently freed and turned into a master, extending the most profound condolences to those lonely and only-child classmates. Oh really? You don't have siblings? Aye, that's terrible-how boring and stupid that would be! Heh. You've never seen my big brother Danqing-he knows how to have a good time and is quite handsome to boot…She recounted with perfection like a wind that carries sand and stones-it was really stunning the others, those simple-minded classmates of hers. Xiaoqing's life experience had instantly become mysterious and legendary, and even when she was in class, she had a unique network of friends and clear line of authority. Even the teacher was impressed with her personality, and considering that the rest of the school children gave her headaches, Xiaoqing was a diamond in the rough. The teacher wrote a mechanically strong critique on her credit card. She possesses a consciousness of "sharing" and spirit of "cooperation", which are rare virtues among children her age, etc.
Lu Zhongsheng couldn't but feel content with Xiaoqing's report card. In retrospect, in his innumerable confrontations with fate, he and Lan Ying were always overpowered before totally losing out. But in this case they held up fine, and it was a rare blessing. They'd finally found a strategy that enabled them to control Xiaoqing and perform well around her. Well isn't that so! Thank heavens. See how providence has broadened his vision to sympathize with us?
In the deep of the night when Xiaoqing slept and was immersed in a childhood dream, Lu Zhongsheng would recount his childhood memories to Lan Ying. He was from a big family, and there was always a lot of kids in their uncle and aunt's family, fighting over food, playing games together or making trouble. They shared myriad secrets, and that family camaraderie was surely stronger than bonds with any friends you'd find in society. Even after they'd all grown up, no matter if they'd become rich or poor, powerful or weak, they still had the feeling of being intricately connected. Wherever they went there was always a group of blood relatives concerned for their welfare. It was just like being out on the boundless sea but having some boats all around you…But starting from Xiaoqing's generation-no, it was earlier, starting in the 80's, everyone started to be pitiful, only children, with their thin and frail emotions. Thus the selfishness, narcissism, and extreme apathy towards family set in…
Look at how good it is for us-we're actually competent! Big Brother Danqing's virtual appearance is now a mission accomplished. Is our child, Xiaoqing, a lot happier than the other children? She can stick out her finger, like dipping it into cream, and taste the sweetness of brotherly affection. What salubrious nutrients for her growth! Just like the teacher said, she's developing an outstanding personality.
Lan Ying listened to Lu Zhongsheng, believing him as he analyzed every detail, and she was even looking forward to Xiaoqing's bright future. But when she looked over, she sensed that Lu Zhongsheng had again taken another sudden nose dive, and his heart was again heavy. Truly, in Lu Zhongsheng's mind, things to be proud of always triggered fear. It was the classic phobia of losing what one has just gained. He never had the courage to just let himself be happy…
In one sense he was proud about all the Big Brother Danqing business, but in another sense he felt it was very risky. Like a lot of investors say, th
e greater the profit margins the higher the risk. Wouldn't it be like drinking venom to go on fooling himself and fooling others like that? Furthermore, all three of them were blindly rushing into it with complete abandon. Xiaoqing was eventually going to find out and suddenly fall apart like an exquisite sand sculpture. What would he do then? He went into it without an exit strategy. He was like a myopic general who made no consideration for the second and third stages of the war. Thinking about these issues suddenly made Lu Zhongsheng feel like he was riding the tiger and worried sick…
Forget it. Just keep trudging forward for the time being. Just thinking about it, there's no way to go on living. The sudden shock and fear flashed through his face like lightning, evincing his pale visage…
[2]
You got the right idea, dad. Stop thinking about it. Give your heavy skull a rest…Just imagine-I've really come back. I'm back to life on your lips, living again in your imagination, and I'm living in Xiaoqing's room. My non-existent existence (and her insistence on believing what she obviously knows to be a lie), have long exceeded your expectations…
Sometimes at night she talks to me for a long time under her little covers. Other times she suddenly smiles and opens up her writing journal, shows me her stickers, pretends to share a small piece of chocolate with me, or tells me what she dreamt right when she got up. She even writes letters and new year's greeting cards to me-all brimming with sincerity. When she's done writing them, there's nowhere to send them (of course), but it doesn't matter to her. Just stuffing them in a corner will suffice…
The way I see it, dad, you don't need to go on looking for problems and worrying yourself like you've been doing. The happiness she's experiencing now is as real as her newfound openness and affability. It's really lucky for you how your little plan has worked out, and now Xiaoqing is going in a reasonably positive direction. She's apparently aware of the hundreds of inscrutable contradictions in the story, but she has a continuing interest and optimistic spirit to keep playing the game.
It's really no big deal if you think about it. Even adults need a protective shield, something to latch onto (but that others see as absurd), to protect themselves from anguish-not to mention a child. For example some children will cling onto an old blanket, cling on to it clear through to adulthood, and keep it till it falls apart. When they sleep they feel a need to cuddle up with it, breathe in its smell, and feel everything is safe and that they aren't alone…Xiaoqing is like this, too. She convinced herself to accept it and furthermore made good progress in making more out of me, Big Brother Danqing. She's cherishing a wonderful story, a tool to regain the confidence she lost concerning her circumstances-a tool to rebuff her classmate's suspicious and mocking words against her familial foundation. Thus, you see she have faith and keep that faith until it loses its usefulness…
So, dad, you don't need to worry. There's no way an outside force could unravel the farce that Xiaoqing is putting on for herself and others, just like a nipple cannot be pried from an infant's mouth. Be patient, take things step by step, and there will come a day when Xiaoqing can really think about it and analyze it. That's when she'll replace this conundrum with something bigger…
Crying Crocodile Tears
[1]
The "affair" between Si Jia and the editor was over. Indeed, one could only call it an affair. Could it be considered a "relationship" or "secret love"? No, it couldn't. Their affair was veritably over, but it was only the beginning of other affairs that were to between them.
Si Jia's hiring boss got wind of the editor's escapade and discreetly whispered in his ear. The editor was, after all, a polite man, but he said nothing at all, just shaking his head. The way the boss saw it, the editor's head shake was hesitant and rife with meaning. "Failure" was always much more intriguing to him than "success". It should have succeeded, could have succeeded, and must have succeeded-so how did it fail? What was the inside scoop or ramification? Silence and head shaking were in no way a journalist or editor's professional quirk. It would have made anyone curious, not to mention when it concerns a female protagonist of such an outstanding form.
Thus with similar logic, other sleuths and researchers joined the investigation. Newspaper offices were so remarkably agile in those days, that in less than a fortnight (and just as her stepfather predicted), Si Jia's past was dug up like an old grave being robbed. The entire story came to blazing light, the scoop being bigger than ever and the goods explosive beyond imagination…Oh! That's how problematic and insane she is! The keywords emerged like bones from a broiled crucian carp, pulled up on chopsticks tips-stepfather, 1983, French translator, marketing, a mother twice-divorced, moonlighting…
Si Jia had finally become fresh and delectable like fish soup. The editor, rejected and sent home empty handed in the original story, had virtually become a locksmith who cracked the lock on a door, which once opened, sent a pleasant aroma through all the offices. There were numerous players sniffing out the scent's trail, who then lined up with their rainbow array of ideas. How could they let Si Jia just sit there and go to waste? Not grabbing a bite or taking a sip would be a good way to disappoint one's self. Anyways, she's single. Anyways, she's sure to be very lonely. Anyways, she's surely been an easy catch her whole life and has never had the slightest taboo…In the name of fighting dejection with their lives, in the name of relieving work stress, in the name of nostalgia for their first love, all of them plotted their successive approach Si Jia, yet not one of them gave any serious consideration to Si Jia's mind or brain, nor were they in the game for genuine love. All they wanted, ultimately, was to go to bed with her…
Ha! I'm not afraid of these people. These office developments somehow had no ill effect on Si Jia-her superficiality even exceeded theirs. Once they'd reached the limit of their immorality, they soon found out that Si Jia was truly a slab of steel, and not one of their nails could ever get through to her…And thus they understood, stepped back, and ended up quietly going their own ways, regretfully and angrily…
Ultimately Si Jia, when subjected to the rigors of deduction, had become an inscrutable woman. Some even surmised that she was perverted, problematic, and abnormal. Some of them were intelligent, even citing Freud, childhood trauma, or rapist psychology…Damn it, we could really have some fun with Si Jia-if only she weren't too tall to drown in our mounting, splattering spitwads.
[2]
And this was dead end where Si Jia started dreaming of a life in another land. She searched for an escape route, a safe haven.
She mulled it over a long time before coming to this decision. Going abroad was notably a big craze in '95 or '96, and thus she was wary of it. She was afraid of making another fatal mistake-how could she ever put herself through such torment again? However, she really couldn't bear her current situation any longer. Though she was living in such a vast nation, she was seemingly forever determined to be entangled in rumors (no matter where she went) -rumors which threatened to strangle her to death. She was at a fork in the road with one path leading to death and quitting (i.e., accepting suicide as her finality) and leaving China on the other – she will take off where no one recognizes her, with people unconcerned with the past, where the virtue or immorality of a woman made unchaste would remain off their tongues. What can I do but leave?
Si Jia was alone, gritting her teeth. She just couldn't believe Heaven would simply terminate someone's path. Just this last once, she needed to forge ahead and persevere for a future with, if nothing else, a tranquil life…
Thus at the end of 1996, Si Jia enlisted in the "army of struggling emigrants", yet again jumping on board with the hottest craze of the hour. Just like all prospective emigrants, everyone had a copy of Zhou Li's Manhattan's China Lady, a book about a woman who made it out of the vast, northern desert and whose experiences they'd practically memorized word for word-like how she went from having forty dollars with a job as a waitress to gracing pristine city government halls, schmoozing with the New York City Mayor an
d mingling with famous bigwigs…Zhou Li's personage and experiences had verily opened up a mythic window, stoking up the fervor of all "voyagers abroad" who believed in a future golden age…Of course Si Jia wasn't trying to be another Zhou Li. She wasn't asking for much, just an existence-a safe, quiet, unfamiliar existence.
Si Jia had a decent English background which helped her scrape past TOEFL. But her current profession, age and even curriculum vitae were of no help to her. The odds of getting a scholarship were practically zero, which meant she could only go for the "deposit guarantee". But hooking up with a White man was much easier said than done. Si Jia asked around in various circles of would-be emigrants who were just as crazed as she was, and sure enough, an enthusiastic Chinese pointed her to a shortcut south. There's a man in Hong Kong with connections to the US (and so on and so forth) who can (she finally said) help you. However, you'll have to work with him, as you'd expect…
Work with him?
Yeah. No one is going to help you for nothing in exchange. If you really wanted to pay your way out, could you afford it? The agent looked at Si Jia with an expression that was all-too-obvious. You've got such great assets, why not put them to good use?