by Lu Min
Why would he feel unsettled? Was there a problem? Lu Zhongsheng pushed himself to get a clear picture of it…The older he was getting, the more he superstitiously believed in instinct and premonition. Make no mistake about it, his instinct and premonition told him, This partner of Si Jia's is very complex! She's utterly convoluted and abnormally complex.
Surely Lu Zhongsheng had never looked into anything like lesbianism before, but he wasn't completely ignorant, either. Just like with a certain well-known gourmet dish, he'd often hear people talking about it, its form and its taste-and when the real McCoy appeared in front of him, wasn't it just how they said it would be? That was the delectable dish to a tee. But homosexuality wasn't so tasty. When it was actually in front of him and under his nose, Lu Zhongsheng could still tell what it was.
Lu Zhongsheng made it a point to observe Si Jia and her female partner. During this observation, any and all clues became proof that pointed to an obvious conclusion. They liked walking arm in arm, they looked at each other too long, she'd help her fix her hair, she'd open the door for her, she'd tie her silk scarf for her-any heterosexual companion would do these things, but they did them just as often, if not more…Is that the way a normal friendship between two women would be?
Looking at it that way, Lu Zhongsheng had decided, and had also kept his mouth shut and body still. How could it be discussed, this thing that was alive and breathing in front of him? Now he wished that Si Jia had found a boyfriend, even if she had to whimsically change from one to the other…In Lu Zhongsheng's concept of morality, he'd rather a woman be less respectable than to become what he'd never under any circumstances accept, homosexuality. It was just too absurd, too indecent. How did she get that way? Before, she was a very pretty woman going with Danqing to a Christmas dance. What was wrong with her, reversing her values like that?
Oh, I know now. I'm sure of it. It was because of what happened that night-the cruelty, the nefarious act, and the shame that caused that poor young woman to hate men ever since. She can't love men, so she has no other choice but women. Lu Zhongsheng implemented what little he understood of psychology and physiology to make a deduction, ultimately making this straight line from point A to its conclusion, point B…That's it! This was a big "aha" for Lu Zhongsheng, but he was suddenly gravely weighted down again as if all the mistakes Danqing made were pressing down on only one man, his father.
How ridiculous it was. He'd suspected another family's daughter was too disrespectful of herself and even suspected that Danqing was wrongfully accused. He was even planning on digging up the past with her and asking for a full explanation. How over confident he was! The facts were right there, presented immediately before him: she and Danqing surely did it that night, and furthermore, she was obviously forced by Danqing in a state of confusion…Otherwise, how did she turn out this way? She's a lesbian for crying out loud.
Aye…It was painful Lu Zhongsheng-he finally felt that Danqing should have been executed. He carefully climbed up into the bus. The shame and gravity of the situation made him quickly decide not only to stay estranged with Si Jia, but to never visit her again-he was too ashamed.
[5]
Aye. Dad, I knew you'd think about it this way. You'd put the blame for Si Jia's "homosexuality" on me…Allow me to analyze for a minute. If only you knew what Si Jia went through and who she was with before me (and after me) …
Moreover, there's never a single catalyzing event that explains a whole human life. Every step anyone takes is the prelude and basis for the next, and the next step is the tendency and result of the last. The step she's taking now is the natural result of the last 99 steps, so surely it's not a bolt out of the blue or a skyscraper bolting up out of the plains. Besides, she's actually attained a pretty peaceful life. How could you say from your perspective that she's miserable? It's just like how you could never imagine the joys of being a fish, because you aren't a fish-and you aren't Si Jia.
However, if your understanding were right, that I deserved to die, that would actually be a good thing. This way you could finally let me go some more, and leave all your suspicions and hopes about that Christmas night behind. At the same time, you could stop braving the elements to see Si Jia. You're always deeply sunk in nostalgia, which undoubtedly leads you to neglect those around you, like Xiaoqing…
She's blogging every day and is overly enthusiastic about it, which can't be a good situation. You and Lan Ying would have no idea what a blog is, much less what in the world she's writing about and what she's planning on writing. You're clueless. This is the point that most deeply concerns me…
I know that the two of you still haven't come out with the truth to her about me. Aye, you still think you can build her a greenhouse, perfect in every detail, where the four seasons are always like spring? To make a crude metaphor, the truth, if it were like steamed bread, it's been in front of Xiaoqing for the last few years, and she's been waiting there hungry and wanting to wolf it down the whole time. But the two of you somehow got the idea to hide it under your arms, and you won't let her eat it. Now she's starved, insufferably starved, and it's now gotten to the point that she no longer knows what hunger is. If you looked at her now, would you know what her idea of a tasty meal is? Would you even believe what it is? Look at her. She'll always look diffident, play cool, tell jokes, make practical jokes, and laugh it all off (if you can believe it) .
Alright then. Even if you'd decided to tell her now, it would be like re-steaming an old piece of moldy bread for her to eat-do you think she'd really eat that? Ha! I'm afraid she'd rip it to pieces, stir fry it over a huge flame, and then feed it to the birds. In any case, she'd never eat it…
She's not afraid of giving herself a stomach ache. You should know that in such a big world filled with so many flavors, there's nothing that would give her a stomach ache any more. Her psyche isn't what you guys would expect, frail and unable to accept reality. She's very laid back, you know. To her, everything can be dealt with unconventionally or turned into a practical joke. Indeed, you and Lan Ying should really get mentally prepared for it. Concerning 1984, all that you've painfully covered up remains with her and has probably been changed into something else completely. It's a little something dug out of the mud, a gloriously-blooming and strange flower that's growing out of a pool of blood.
Aye, such misery! Dad, I wish I could just cry out to you through these layers upon layers of shrouding clouds, through all the heartless days and calloused nights. Now you'll need to get fully prepared for wave after wave of the fates' variably-pressured and cruel caress.
From Cruel to Cool
[1]
You have to let me do it. If you don't let me sign up I'll stop eating. What? You won't let me sign up? See if I don't want to die…
Xiaoqing wanted to sign up to participate in a TV competition. She knew that Lu Zhongsheng would be strongly opposed, so she put her request in binary terms. She tried brandishing threatening, scintillating knives, yet was also vacillating to a soft, rational tactic.
It's summer vacation, and I'll be bored anyway. Part of the competition is in Nanjing!
Don't you always tell me to take advantage of the opportunities that come my way? Well this one just came knocking on our door. When I'm on TV, tens of thousands of people will see me.
Think about it. If I got famous, just the product endorsements would be enough to buy you a big, new home. You'd also be beneficiaries of my good fortune.
Xiaoqing got more energetic as she went on, using ever-more serious language. She implied that if they didn't give her permission to go, it'd be none other than nipping her bright future in the bud, forcing her to pass up the most important shortcut to success in her life.
Concerning the competition, Lu Zhongsheng was needless to say pessimistic about it and even unwilling to mention it. The way he saw it, it was a typical chancing, being nothing else but a product of lazy bum psychology. It's impossible to build a good reputation that way. It's a crash course or magic
trick, and even a child could understand it. For better or worse, she was the daughter of a professor, and Lu Zhongsheng would never leave himself open to embarrassment. What did he have then, other than that smidgen of residual honor?
Success is 99%sweat and 1%opportunity. TV competitions like this are 99%opportunity and 1%sweat. Xiaoqing, surely you don't want to get your priorities mixed up. Remember dad's words: you reap whatever you sow. There's no shortcuts to be found in the world…Lu Zhongsheng tried to give her advice, but all that came out was just a pile of bromides, which for Xiaoqing just went in one ear and out the other.
Lu Zhongsheng settled down and thought of a metaphor, hoping he could cut straight to the chase: You see, it's just like crops in a field or fruit on a tree. You take your path in life like nature running its course; you stick to your working routine, and whenever the sprouts should come up, whenever the flowers should bloom, it's all to be expected. You can't just grab things before they're ready; you can't go rushing things.
That's not true. Don't they intensively farm fruit and vegetables in greenhouses nowadays? And there's good produce. Everyone in the country is eating them…Xiaoqing's mind could process information a hundred times faster than Lu Zhongsheng's, and he was debunked with one sentence.
Lu Zhongsheng put an abrupt end to his argument with Xiaoqing and chose to discuss it in private with Lan Ying instead. They hid their family's residency booklet 38 [5], and in any case, they detested anything exhibitionist and were absolutely not going to give into Xiaoqing on this one…
But how vibrant Xiaoqing's mind was! She'd planned everything and expected it all to work out. She set it up so that if they gave her permission she'd go sign up, and if they didn't give their permission, she'd sign up anyway. Asking them was just a formality, a way of vaccinating them against further incursion and nothing else. She'd already snatched the residency book and got copies before even bringing up the issue, so that when the time came to sign up, copies would be as good as the real thing. Furthermore, with just the help of an improvised story and her tricky tongue, what could keep her from signing up? Xiaoqing's only worry was that there wouldn't be enough participating contestants in the opening rounds-who'd worry about too many?…
[2]
Seeing Xiaoqing not moving, Lu Zhongsheng was feeling guilty yet again. After all, Xiaoqing was he and Lan Ying's flesh and blood, and they did promise to be unconditionally, unreservedly good to her…Xiaoqing couldn't be blamed for her inveterate persistence in just this one case. It's a shallow social tendency for everyone to want to get famous overnight, and Xiaoqing being as young as she was, how could she ever resist?
Lu Zhongsheng thought it over in every way, not knowing what to think about the situation with Xiaoqing. But after some deduction, he remarked that Xiaoqing was already sixteen and was in need of some sort of gainful hobby. She should realize that life isn't something to be fickle about. He reckoned it was time to tell her about Danqing, even though it would be rehashing their burdensome past. That way he could stop her antics dead in their tracks, because there was a good chance her fate would be far more serious than other girls her age…Sure, Lu Zhongsheng knew that his idea to "stop her antics in their tracks" was undeniably naive. But what could he do? How else could he encourage her to be more mature and be a bit more serious about life? Telling her about Danqing was better than doing nothing. Just say it. Spit it out. It'll have to come out sooner or later.
Lu Zhongsheng planned on telling Xiaoqing together with Lan Ying, but Lan Ying actually refused, shaking her head: My heart can't handle it. Which is true, her hypertension brought from old-age pregnancy and its concomitant heart disease were her talismans. At least concerning residual issues with Danqing, she'd always remind herself: Just remember it's not real. Don't get angry, and don't get involved. Furthermore, such a discussion would be emotionally draining and it would lead to results far too unpredictable for Lan Ying. So she opted out and gave a look to Lu Zhongsheng with warning eyes. Knowing Xiaoqing's personality, it won't be fun telling her. To the contrary, it'll lead to consequences yet more provocative than we'd imagine…
Danqing died when he was nineteen? He was really just my big brother? There seemed to be a smile on Xiaoqing's face, yet also seemed there wasn't. It notably leaned toward the smiling side, and she was somewhat unable to restrain her grin. Wow. That's all it was? It's a common occurrence. Why didn't you tell me earlier instead of being so mysterious all the time? You had me thinking he was my real father…Alright, alright. It doesn't matter now if he's my big brother or my dad, because he's gone. Aye. What happened? He was only nineteen. Please, this time you have to tell it all to me!
Lu Zhongsheng was put off by Xiaoqing's giggly reaction. But he advised himself to see it from a positive perspective. It was appropriate that she handle things in a relaxed way at her age. It wouldn't have been reasonable to expect her to be like him and Lan Ying, hunched over and hunch-backed all the time, suffocating under the weight of the past…
Alright. We'll start from December 24 th, 1984…He really wanted to tell it all this time.
Lu Zhongsheng pulled a stool over and poured a glass of water for himself, and like a narrator lacking in professional enthusiasm and skill, not rushed nor slow, he started from the beginning. He wasn't reluctant, nor did he try to create suspense. He narrated the story without tragedy or joy, with a disposition as level as a pool's surface. He described all the incidents he knew of without missing a word; whatever details he wasn't clear on were absolutely not occasions for fabrication.
Then the lone listener's reaction somehow intensified-Xiaoqing followed with wide eyes. Oh, that's what happened! It's too cool! That was twenty-two whole years ago. My big brother Danqing was a fantastic guy. He had a dance, made a date with a girl, and died for love…Dad, don't put it in such negative terms. Hooligan? That's absurd. It was his individuality-he dared to love and dared to hate; he dared to act and dared to be…Aye. I have to make him my idol now. Gee, if I only knew sooner how my big brother was so awesome and such a vivid character. I should really chat about him more with my classmates…Xiaoqing was on the verge of losing control, but her qualms about Lu Zhongsheng's complexion kept her from jumping up and dancing.
Cool!
Lu Zhongsheng went slightly catatonic. He'd have never, never thought that Xiaoqing would've reacted in such a way. Her reaction also represented the morals and values of kids from her generation, as well as the public morals and orientation which her actions are based on…From "cruel" to "cool"-could it be that twenty-two years had gone by in a snap?
It was as if Lu Zhongsheng's mouth was filled with a mix of all flavors, and he truly had no idea how to continue the discussion with Xiaoqing. Originally he planned on offering a word of advice to Xiaoqing, like tracing the vine from a melon, in a completely sincere heart to heart talk. They'd discuss how one should regard life and living, material wealth and success, and so on and so forth. But then, where was the atmosphere to keep talking, and why should they go on?
Dad, I know that the two of you were surely very miserable then, and furthermore, you're still miserable even now. But couldn't you listen to my advice, and hear me out on what I think about it? Xiaoqing scooched her stool closer to Lu Zhongsheng, turning the tables from being the lectured to the lecturer and getting Lu Zhongsheng to put on his thinking cap.
What do our lives revolve around? Quite apparently, it's our own selves and happiness. Everything can actually be separated into two categories: whatever is useful and helpful to the self (which we can keep and hold on to, thinking of it as both precious and a resource), and on the other hand, whatever makes us uncomfortable and unhappy or whatever is useless (which we should throw out into the trash can!) Isn't life just that simple? Xiaoqing made a rising and falling gesture, dexterously clapping her hands as if taking the past and patting it off like dust.
Looking at Xiaoqing's complete sincerity and her undeniably serious facial expression, Lu Zhongsheng forced him
self to smile. There's one generation like a mountain, and another like a stream of water. There's nothing else that needs to be said. There's no right or wrong, no true or empty feelings. Everyone considers their own lifestyle to be the best, and that they know the truth about life…It was just that her spiel about "egocentrism" and "precious resourcism" horrified Lu Zhongsheng…According to her own philosophy, which category would Xiaoqing put Danqing in? Would she keep him as a useful resource, or toss him in the trash can?…
It's just that…that girl at the dance, the one called Si Jia-I'm thinking…Xiaoqing had a rarely-expressed hesitancy in her face, wanting to say something but stopping short. She suddenly remembered when she was ten years old, following her father and seeing the same Si Jia that he saw, that elegant figure. She admired and liked her so much, and was even day dreaming that she was her own, young mother…But her dreams were shattered. Not only did she not have a big brother Danqing, but she also didn't have a mother named Si Jia. It was an inexplicable disappointment…But didn't her father find Si Jia later on? Surely Xiaoqing could go visit her and become a close acquaintance. It wouldn't matter if she were like an auntie or a big sister. How much she yearned for a younger family member! Danqing had already passed away-yet she somehow wasn't concerned about that. But Si Jia was still there, and how could Xiaoqing ever be expected not to get any ideas about her?
Child, don't be silly. Danqing hurt her…If she saw us, it'd only open an old wound; if we saw her, we'd remember Danqing. Everyone was soaked with blood, and it was all just too cruel…Lu Zhongsheng made an enervated gesture. He didn't dare tell Xiaoqing about Si Jia's recent situation, but he knew what was Xiaoqing was thinking. Aye, when are such legends ever true?…Si Jia there and Danqing here are like two dikes on the opposite sides of a river. Between them undulate vast and mighty waves of misery, and they'll always be visible only from the other side. Has anyone ever heard of two river banks meeting up? Where would all the water of such misery in the middle flow?