by Jenna Reed
“Liar,” Asher sighs. “Why are you lying to me? Did you guys fuck? Did something happen?”
I grit my teeth, the tension in my jaw mounting. “I…. fuck…”
“Tell me what happened,” Asher orders in a tone that fills my veins with lava. Who the fuck does he think he is? I don’t have to tell him shit, and yet I want to. The need to confess my fucking sins burns through me.
“Yes, something happened, and I’m freaking the fuck out enough on my own without you giving me your fucking input.”
“You are so stupid… and blind. You had sex, didn’t you? Did you pop her cherry?”
My eyes widen beyond disbelief and I grip the phone hard enough to snap the fucking thing. “What? How the fuck did you know she was a virgin?”
“Well, I didn’t know, so slow the fuck down with the attitude. You sound like you’re ready to snap. I just assumed. She never dates, like she’s maybe gone on four dates since high school, and I’m sure I would know if she had a steady boyfriend since I know for a fact I would have to bail you out of jail for kicking his ass.”
True. Shit, maybe I should have paid better attention to her dating. If I had, I wouldn’t be in this mess I am right now. Then again, I probably would be, since virgin or not, Bailey was meant to be mine.
“So you said was… which means you did sleep with her… that’s interesting.”
“Interesting? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, I’m very interested to see what happens next. What did you guys talk about this morning? Did you have breakfast together?”
“No, she left before I woke up.”
“Ouch.” Sarcasm drenches that single word. For once, I’m the one left feeling like shit.
“Yeah, so she didn’t tell me she was a virgin, and she left before we could talk about anything. I want to be mad at her, but it’s like, what the fuck did I expect?” I shake my head, my eyes moving to the sheets marked with her blood.
Bloody sheets. Ruined friendship. It’s got heartache written all over it, and all because we crossed that invisible line and walked head first into lust.
“So, how does it feel?” He chuckles. “To be on the other side of the one-night stand.” My teeth grind together. The irony is not lost on me. Normally, I’m the one sneaking out before breakfast.
“Fantastic. It feels great to wonder if you screwed up with the one person that matters most to you. Fan-fucking-tastic. Thanks for asking.” I damn near chuck the phone in frustration.
“Oh stop,” Asher says, his voice taking on a fatherly tone. “Your friendship isn’t ruined. It’s not like she can go without you any more than you can go without her. You’re more than this. Why freak out over something that was meant to happen?”
“Meant to happen?” I exasperated. “Do you remember what happened when I kissed her in high school, when I told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend?”
I remember it like it was yesterday, the tears on her pink cheeks, the trembling of her bottom lip, and the fear that filled her green eyes. She looked like I had ripped the rug out from underneath her feet and kicked her puppy instead of confessing my undying love.
She made me promise to never kiss her again, to never tell her that I wanted her more than a friend. So being the best friend I was, I swallowed my feelings down, burying them beneath a slew of endless women, hoping and praying that one day they would just go away.
But that was the thing about hope… it just grew, festering deep inside. But my hope wasn’t to forget about my feelings, not really, not if I was being honest. My hope was for Bailey’s feelings to grow.
“You both were young and naive. I guarantee you that she thought it would end your friendship. She probably also thought you were thinking with your dick, which you were.”
“I wasn’t,” I mutter. “I would’ve waited for her, Asher, and you know it.”
With a sigh, he says, “Don’t let what happened years ago, ruin the present. Obviously, she had been holding out, waiting for you, so that promise you made to her meant nothing. It was just a wall of protection.” I curl my lip in a snarl at his response.
He’s right, and me being the idiot, I fed right into it. I let us be nothing more than friends. I kept my promise to her, all while she secretly pinned for me. While I was fucking everything with a vagina, she was waiting for me to be her first.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I sigh. “Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
“Eli, don’t beat yourself up over this.”
My jaw aches with tension as I say, “I’ve got to go, Asher. Bye.” Hanging up the phone, I toss the device onto the bed.
I’ve never in my life wanted to kick myself in the balls more than I did today. She fooled me… fucking fooled me, pulled the wool right over my eyes. I’ve never wanted anyone as badly as I want her.
And now that I had a taste of her, I know it won’t be enough. And still, I can’t picture myself committing. Not even with her. Once, I gave her my heart, and she crushed it in her hands, blood splattering against the front steps of her childhood home.
I want her as much now as I did back then. The only difference is that she’s come to me this time. She gave herself to me, but I can’t give myself to her. The silver lining I suppose is that she hasn’t asked for anything more than she knew I could give her. But that pisses me off too, because while Bailey is a woman with a fantastic pair of tits and pussy made from gold, she is still my best friend, my first love, and she deserves the world.
She deserved my heart and sometimes I think it’s still on the floor in the high school hallway.
5
Bailey
One week. Seven days. One hundred and sixty-eight hours. That’s how long it’s been since I talked to Elijah. Since I looked at his sleeping form and snuck out of his apartment like the coward I am. I thought when I fell asleep that night I would wake up feeling refreshed, happy. I thought that once I lose my virginity, I could finally move on and find someone to have an actual relationship with, but instead, I woke up panicked. My insides clenching, twisting into a tight knot, while my heart beat so violently I was sure it was going to beat right out of my chest.
Regret hit me hard, and not because I actually regret what we had done, god no, that part would forever be burned into my brain, lingering there in the back of my mind.
My regret stemmed from being afraid. Afraid that our friendship was over. I’m ashamed that I’ve made such a selfish choice, that I’ve given in to my needs, my fantasies, risking years of friendship for one single night.
“He’s coming tonight,” Erin murmurs before shoving a chip into her mouth.
“I know.” I wring my hands together, staring down at them. I need to stop, but I can’t. I have never been more nervous about seeing someone in my life. I don’t know why I’m freaking out, well, technically I do, but still, Elijah is my best friend. We can survive this? Can’t we?
“Are you going to talk to him about it? It’s been seven days. I know he’s texted you.”
Yeah, only a million and one times.
Damn her for knowing me so well, and damn Elijah for being the gentlemen he is by trying to reach out to me. I didn’t expect him to, and wouldn’t have judged him if he didn’t. I figured he would treat me the way he had treated all the other women that came to his bed, like a quick fuck.
But instead he called, left messages, and texted me every single day, even going as far as showing up at my place when I didn’t answer. I pretended not to be home of course.
“No, I’m going to avoid the topic at all costs,” I reply before taking a sip of my wine. It might be the most cowardice move in the book, but I don’t know what else to do. I told him it was just one night. I’ve had to spend the last seven days convincing myself of it as well and I just want things to go back to the way they were, to keep the memories of the most amazing night of my life as my own personal treasure.
“I’m sure that’s going to wor
k out great.” Erin giggles, rolling her eyes at me.
“I guess we’ll find out later, won’t we?” I sass back, tilting my head to the side at her.
“Uh, no, girlfriend, we’re going to find out right… about… now.” Erin snickers, her gaze moving past me and catching on something behind me. A heat creeps through my belly, up my chest and onto my cheeks.
I know it’s Elijah, she doesn’t even have to say anything. I can feel his presence the moment he steps into the room, and I can sense his body coming toward mine, each step vibrating through me. The air shifts and my skin starts tingling, small goosebumps forming against my flesh. We’re like magnets, attracted to each other, being pulled right into each other’s magnetic field.
“Good luck.” Erin winks at me right before I turn around to face the man who stole my heart all those years ago. Parts of me wonder if I made the right choice back then? Since denying him what he wanted pushed him into being the player he is today.
“Hi,” I greet awkwardly when he stops right in front of me. Damn him for being so much taller than me and forcing me to have to tilt my head back to look up at him. Eyes as blue as the ocean pierce mine. Crossing his arms over his chest, he gives me a disappointed look.
“Why haven’t you answered any of my texts?”
Dear lord. I didn’t expect him to be this mad, maybe annoyed or a tiny bit upset, but not this angry. He acts like I actually hurt him, and I don’t know if it’s because of that night or because I’ve been avoiding him.
My lips suddenly feel chapped, and my tongue heavy.
“I… I uhh… I was busy,” I lie.
His eyebrows lift as he blinks slowly. Obviously not believing me as I had hoped he would.
“Busy? For seven days? So busy that you couldn’t text me back? That you couldn’t let me know you were at least okay?” His words come out in a flurry and his jaw tightens with tension. An ugly silence settles heavily between us. We’ve fought many times, but never like this. This feels different, like the earth is shifting, breaking apart and we’re on two different sides of the crumbling ground.
With a jaw cut from stone and fury in his eyes, I doubt I’m going to get out of this. He looks like I’ve broken his heart. He un-crosses his arms and lets them fall to his sides.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
Shit. He knows. Of course he knows. I almost slap myself. I was hoping he wouldn’t notice the bloody sheets, but I’m not surprised he did. When I noticed them, I damn near had a heart attack. I can’t imagine what he thought first thing in the morning.
“Had I known…” He trails off, his voice soft, his words meant to soothe, but they don’t. Something in me snaps at his response.
“What would you have done, Elijah? Told me no? Took me slower?” I’m seconds away from throwing my hands up in the air. He’s looking down at me like I’ve kicked his dog. What the hell does he expect? “Look, don’t make a big deal out of this. We are both adults and we agreed on it to be one night only. Me being a virgin changed nothing. What’s done is done, Elijah.”
Looking down at me like a bear caught in a trap, he growls, “What the fuck, Bailey? You aren’t some quick lay to me. You’re my best friend, so yeah, the fact that you didn’t tell me you were a virgin and still let me fuck you pisses me off a little bit.” He takes a step back, shaking his head as if I’m the one in the wrong here. The vein in his forehead throbs, giving way to his anger.
Why is he so mad?
I blink slowly, trying to decipher what’s taking place. We can’t do this here, not now, and maybe not ever. It was one night. One single night. Nothing else, nothing less.
So what if I saved myself for him, so what if I’ve wanted him since he kissed me that one time in high school and I made him promise never to do it again. He doesn’t have to know that it was all a lie. He doesn’t have to know how much I truly do want him.
Confessing my feelings won’t change anything… Elijah isn’t the boyfriend type, I always knew that, but I made my choice... I knew what I was getting into. I just never would have predicted that he would act this way.
So angry, so hurt…
“Can we not talk about this right now,” I whisper. My gaze sweeps the room, and I hope no one has heard our heated decision. “We can talk about this later, maybe tonight. I don’t know. Honestly, though, there isn’t anything else to talk about.” I brush a couple of stray strands from my face and peer up at him. His lips are in a thin line, his eyes hard. My insides heat at the image of the man before me. Why is he so gorgeous? Even angry like this, he makes me want him.
Pursing my lips, I ask, “Can we just get back to normal?”
The muscles in his jaw flex and his hands ball into tight fists. Angry, gorgeous looking, Adonis. He’s like a Little Debbie snack, and I want to devour him with one bite.
Elijah sighs, his minty breath washing over me. His shoulders visibly sag, and it looks like he’s given up, and thank God, because I can’t bear to fight with him right now.
“Sure, let’s pretend like we didn’t fuck. Let’s pretend nothing happen between us at all… let’s forget, Bailey. As if I could ever fucking do that.” The bitterness in his tone stings my skin. He looks me up and down, his eyes bleeding into mine with the coldness of a blizzard. “Next time you want someone to fuck you, give me a call. I’ll gladly do it, and then after, we just forget about it.” I watch him turn on his heels and walk away. I’m not even aware that I’m crying until I feel the coldness of a tear sliding down my cheek. I brush it away with the back of my hand.
That didn’t just happen. I blink a couple of times, willing the tears away. I didn’t think he would care. Truly I didn’t, but now that I know he does, I’m not sure what to do. I stand there for a long time trying to compose myself, trying to figure out where we go from here.
“I’m guessing it didn’t go well?” Erin sidles up alongside me. I wipe at my cheeks and nose, as if that could hide the evidence of sadness that’s clearly projected onto my face.
“I didn’t think he would care,” I confess, lifting my gaze to Erin’s. She studies me, her green eyes softening.
“Maybe you didn’t, but I knew he would. He’s more than your best friend, Bailey, and you know it. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you know it’s true.”
“Why didn’t you warn me before I basically threw myself at him?” I take a drink from my wine glass, hoping that the wine will calm me a little, but it doesn’t. It just makes the twisty knot of thorns in my belly dig in deeper.
“Well, it was obvious to me, so I figured it would be to you. Plus, I seriously thought this whole thing would turn out completely different than it did.”
“Different how?” I question.
She shrugs. “I thought you would stay the night and have breakfast together. Spend more time with each other. I guess a part of me hoped that the both of you would realize that you are more than just friends,” she explains as if I should have seen it coming like there was a giant billboard advertising our love story or something.
“Well, you thought wrong. It’s never going to be like that between us, not after the conversation we just had. He’s so angry, so am I, and I don’t even know what for. I don’t understand any of this. What do I do, Erin? What do I say to make things right again? He had sex with dozens of women, why is this a big deal to him? Why can’t he just let what happened go?”
Erin takes a step forward, her body entering my bubble of space. Then she places both her hands on my shoulders. “He doesn’t care about other women, but he cares about you. Can’t you see that? Plus, it was your virginity…” She makes a sour face. “I mean technically that’s a big deal, and the fact that you gave that gift to him without even mentioning it, well…”
Gritting my teeth, I interrupt her, “Don’t even act like you’re on his team about this. How was I supposed to know that he would care so much about this? How was I supposed to know he would be bothered by me leaving? It makes zero sense to me.
I figured he would be glad I was gone, and that we didn’t have to have an awkward morning together.”
“Shhh…” Erin brings a hand to my cheek, shushing me. “Relax. You guys can talk about it later. Let’s just enjoy the party, converse, and celebrate. At least you know he cares about you, and you care about him. What happens from here will either make or break you.”
And that’s what I’m afraid. Look at us… it’s already breaking us, and still, I can’t find it in myself to regret what happened. I can’t forget the carnal need he’s stirred inside me. I can’t erase the memory of him fucking me from my mind.
Every time I close my eyes, I can feel his fingers digging into my skin. I can feel his cock sinking deeper and deeper inside of me, piercing me just like he is my heart right now. Where Elijah starts, I end. The thought of losing him over this rips me apart.
“Whatever, fine.” I sniffle, and Erin gives me a bright smile, pulling me into a quick hug that I don’t return before tugging me by the hand toward the kitchen to grab some more drinks. We converse with my family and friends like nothing is wrong, but the entire time I feel his eyes on me, branding deep into my skin, silently claiming me. I smile and laugh, faking my way through each conversation, trying to think of how I can make things right between us.
There has only been one other time our friendship was this close to breaking. I cringe at the memory of that night.
“Dad, I’m heading over to Elijah’s house,” I yell across the living room.
“Okay, have fun, pumpkin.” He doesn’t even give me the whole ‘be home before eleven’ speech that’s been a part of my life since I started high school. He knows that Elijah will take care of me and makes sure I’m home before my curfew, which is why he doesn’t say anything.
He wouldn’t let me go to prom unless I went with Elijah and his friends. It’s not a real date, even though I like to pretend that it is in my head. We’re going with a group instead of as couples, and I’m perfectly fine with that.