by Jamie Craig
“But…there was a concert tonight,” she said lamely.
His smile softened. “Since when are you not more important than a concert?” He glanced over her shoulder at the empty hotel room. “Are you going to invite me in? Or are you trying to hide your new vibrating boyfriend from me?”
Ana stood back. “Come in. I…you just, really surprised me. Ben, you didn’t dip too much into your savings to fly out here, did you?” Now that her shock was starting to abate, she noticed a few other details about his appearance. “What the hell happened to your eye?”
He reached up and touched the vivid bruising as if he’d forgotten it was there. “Oh. That’s where Clint took a swing. I should’ve ducked, but I told you I wasn’t fast.”
“He hit you? He never mentioned that he punched you in the eye. Are you okay?”
Ben slipped past her, but as soon as she closed the door behind him, he dropped his pack to the floor and turned to pin her against the door. “I’ll live,” he said. He braced his hands on either side of her head, his lashes ducking for a moment to glance at her mouth. “It’s hardly enough to stop me from surprising my girl.”
Ana took a deep breath. He was going to kiss her. If he kissed her, he would touch her. If he touched her, she would forget every decision she made. It would just prolong the inevitable. But she wanted him. She could almost convince herself that once more…one more time…wouldn’t hurt anything. Almost.
“Ben…” She put her hands against his chest and gently pushed. “Don’t. We need to talk.”
A shadow flickered behind his eyes, but he didn’t protest when Ana forced the distance between them. “Okay. What about?”
Ana knew she had to do it fast. Like when she waxed her legs. “I should have mentioned something last night, instead of…but I didn’t, and I’m really sorry, Ben.” Tears were already pricking the back of her eyes. “I’m sorry, but I think we should stop seeing each other.”
The confusion on his face wasn’t unexpected. Ana was well aware that she had been sending him mixed signals. But it was so easy to get swept up into the heat of the moment when they were online, when they were together. It was too easy to forget why this couldn’t go on.
“But…why?” The confusion was in his voice, too, genuine and unabashed. “Look at how good we are together.”
Ana knew what she needed to say. She rehearsed this several times, trying to hit all the right notes. But it didn’t matter how many times she had repeated this speech to herself, it didn’t make it any easier.
“Ben, when I went through my divorce, it totally uprooted everything. It felt like I didn’t belong in my own life. And I knew if I ever pulled everything together, I couldn’t stand to let it go to hell like that. I’m not saying I vowed to avoid another relationship, but I did promise myself I wouldn’t go through another separation like that. I can’t…I can’t let myself fall in love with you. And if we stay together, I will. And then…I can’t do it again, Ben.”
“And then…what, Ana?” His voice was soft, his frown deep. “You think I’ll just leave like Clint did?”
“No,” she answered honestly, “not like him. I’m not trying to make you pay for his sins. But one of these days, when I’m sixty, or sixty-five, you will wake up next to me and realize that you are still a young man. Maybe even sooner. And, honestly, I won’t even be able to blame you for that. But that doesn’t mean I’ll be able to live with it.”
“So, you want to punish us now for something that might not happen for another twenty-five, thirty years?” Ben shook his head. “No. I don’t for a second believe you can deny yourself the right to fall in love for the rest of your life. Because that’s what you’re really saying here. You want to isolate yourself from any real feeling, on the off-chance someone else turns out to be as big an asshole as Clint was. But if you do that, Ana, then what’s the point?”
“No, Ben,” Ana countered softly. “This is not about me trying to avoid intimacy for the rest of my life. This is about you. Right now, you’re sweet, and earnest, and sincere, and you do make me happy. You are what I want. But you’re still young enough that you could change. You could change a lot. If I stay with you, I’m going to want to be with you for the rest of my life. Have you thought about that?”
“Yes,” he said without pause. “Just because I’m twenty-two, doesn’t mean I don’t understand what commitment is.”
“What about a family? What if I told you I always wanted kids, and my time is running out so it’s got to happen soon?”
“I’d say I hope they get your smile.” When she opened her mouth to protest, Ben held up his hand to stop her. “And don’t say I’m too young to want to be tied down with a family. You’ve never even asked me what my feelings are on it.”
“What are your feelings? You want to be tied down with a family at this point in your life?”
“If that’s what was right, yes. I have five brothers and sisters, parents that have been together for over thirty years, and I’ve always known I was going to have a family of my own someday, Ana. Is it something I planned on right now? No. But then I didn’t plan on meeting you, either, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.”
Ana stared at him. “So you’re telling me that you’re comfortable with the fact I’m not looking for a fling, I want to have children soon, and I’m going to be neurotically insecure about the age difference indefinitely?”
A ghost of his smile returned. “You seem to be okay with my aggressive tendencies toward your ex, secret geek love for math and theory, and the fact that I have to assure my mother I’m capable of taking care of myself on a regular basis, so I think that probably calls us even.”
“I might make you go through this song and dance a few more times,” Ana warned.
Ben took a small step closer. “You really think you’ll fall in love with me?” he asked softly.
Ana nodded. “Yeah, I really think I will. You make it very hard not to.”
Another step brought him within touching distance. She watched him reach up and ghost fingertips over her brow, pushing away curls that immediately sprang back into place. “You know you could have told me at any point before now that you didn’t want to see me anymore,” he murmured. “I think you waited until we were face to face because you wanted me to convince you that it was a mistake. Because you can’t deny what you can see with your own two eyes.”
“I…Maybe.” She swayed forward, drawn to his familiar warmth. “I was going to tell you last night when you e-mailed. But I…I couldn’t do it…”
“Because we’re so good together,” Ben breathed. The touch of his hand firmed, knuckles grazing over her cheek. “And you know that. You’re scared. I get that. But I am the last person you ever have to worry about hurting you.”
She slipped her hand around his neck, playing with the short hair at the nape of his neck. “I’m starting to see that.” Ana searched his face. “Do you have any plans for the next two weeks?”
“That depends. Would you be interested in a personal assistant who works for kisses and the occasional blow job?”
Ana smiled. “I’ll even consider offering bonus blow jobs as an incentive.”
“Beats the incentives I get from school. You should see the math department head. You might reconsider wanting to be with me if you see what it is I could possibly turn into.”
“I think it’s worth the risk,” she said, pressing herself against him. The corner of her mouth lifted. “Especially since you’re so young and pretty now.”
He pretended to scowl, but snaked an arm around her waist to tug her closer anyway. “Girls are pretty. I’m ruggedly handsome.” At her raised brow, he amended, “All right, bookishly handsome. But not pretty.”
“I hate to break it to you, but you’re one of the prettiest boys I’ve ever met. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll go with bookishly handsome.”
“Tell you what…” His hand pressed their hips together, the unmistakable long line of hi
s erection hard against her stomach. Ben bent his head and ran the tip of his tongue over her lower lip. “Drop the ‘boy’ and I’ll give you the pretty.”
“Fair enough,” she murmured. She parted her lips, inviting him to deepen the caress. Their lips sealed together, and Ana tightened her grip on the back of his neck. She didn’t hold anything back from him, pouring all her heady emotions into the kiss, including her confusion and her doubt. She clung to him, a little afraid to let him go now.
Ben sighed into the kiss, pushing Ana back until she was pressed to the wall again. His free hand slipped beneath the hem of her T-shirt, his skin hot and dry, but just as he reached her waistband, a muffled ringing came from his pocket.
Groaning, he pulled away, his touch disappearing as he reached for his phone. “Sorry,” he said to Ana. Then, into the phone, “You have the worst possible timing ever.” As he listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, Ben twined his fingers in hers and pulled her back into the room. “You’re just lucky you got in, Mason. But thanks.”
Ana frowned when he set the phone down on the desk without disconnecting. He pressed a button, and the music of Decrepit Moon filtered into the room.
She listened for a moment before the smile blossomed across her face. “Did you send one of your friends to the concert?”
His grin was mischievous. “Well, since you couldn’t make it, I figured I’d bring the concert to you.” He tugged on her hand so that she was flush against his body again. “And we can have all the dances we want without dirty looks from Jessica this way.”
Ana put her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. The song was much too fast for a slow dance, but she didn’t care. She just wanted to listen to the live music, which was always a little raw, and hold him.
“I am sorry about all the mixed signals,” she murmured, after the song ended.
Ben pulled her down onto the bed, sitting on the edge of the mattress to face her. “Was that why your e-mails were so short after you left? Did you think I was just going to fade away if I wasn’t around?”
Ana nodded. “I’m not proud of it. But the whole time I was thinking we’d have an out-of-sight-out-of-mind situation, you were taking care of my garden and punching my ex-husband. And I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I’ve relived that week a hundred times. I checked my e-mail every chance I got. So clearly, that plan was not going to work.”
His mouth curved into a small smile. “It was doomed for failure. I don’t give up that easy anyway.”
Ana took his hand, running her fingertips over his palm. “What would you have done if I wasn’t so eager to let you talk me out of my decision?”
“Oh, it was an elaborate plan.” His fingers curled to catch hers. “It had whipped cream and chains in it. Oh, and there might have been some serenading in it at some point, but that would have been a last ditch effort, because my singing? Really sucks.”
“You could always let me be the judge of that. Sing me a few bars.”
Ben laughed. “Um. No.”
“Come on. Just a little bit.” A new song blasted through the cell’s speaker. “You know all the words to this.” She brought his hand up to her mouth, running her tongue over his wrist. “Remember those incentives I mentioned?”
He grunted when she caught a pinch of skin between her teeth. “You will forever hate this song if I sing it. I guarantee it.”
Ana pushed him backward gently, until he was lying on his back, then swung her leg over his legs to straddle his hips. “I hope your leather pants were part of your master plan. You know how I find those irresistible.”
His hands rested on her hips, gently massaging the muscle through her thin sweats. “I should’ve guessed you were only interested in keeping me around because I’m pretty,” he teased. “Nobody appreciates a good wave theory anymore.”
“Oh, I respect you for your mind. Wave theory may not be the most romantic way to woo a girl, though. Unless she’s into wave theory, too, I suppose.” Ana ran her hand down his chest. “You never told me what you wanted to do after your doctorate. Are you going to teach? This feels like something I should know.”
“That’s the plan. I was always going to be a teacher, one way or another. And all the cool math doesn’t happen until the college level, so problem solved about what level I would go for.” Ben sneaked his fingers beneath her shirt, stroking along her waistband. “So do you really want a family right away, or was that about testing me to see if I’d run screaming in the opposite direction?”
“Not so much a test. I’m not saying I should get knocked up tonight, but…if it’s going to happen, it should happen soon. I’ve always wanted kids, but Clint thought we should wait, and then he left and I thought I wouldn’t get another chance,” Ana admitted softly.
“Clint’s an idiot. But I think we’ve already established that.”
With a sharp tug, he pulled her off-balance, forcing her to lie across his chest. His hands slipped beneath her sweats to cup her ass, but the touch was gentle, much like the light in his eyes.
“You’re probably right about me changing,” he murmured. “I’m not so blind with all this that I’m going to delude myself that it’s not going to happen. But you’re going to change, too. And I think one of the things that excites me the most about us is the possibility of changing together.”
“Yes, but while you’re changing into somebody who will no doubt be ruggedly handsome, I’ll be changing into some sort of hag.”
“You think I fell in love with what you looked like? We talked for a month before I ever saw your face, Ana. The fact that you’re gorgeous, too, is just icing on the cake.”
She brushed her fingers through his hair, seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes. Ana didn’t know what was going to happen in the future, but she knew at that moment, Ben believed in everything he was saying. Completely.
“Have you ever been in love before?”
“Once. Well, twice. I have a tendency not to count Megan. Male pride, I guess.”
“But there’s nobody I’m going to have to punch in the face, right?”
Ben chuckled. “No. The other girl was someone I dated my second year at UCLA. Charlotte. We went out for nearly a year, but she wasn’t as invested as I was in a lot of things. School. Responsibility. She was more of a…free spirit, I guess you’d say. But I wasn’t willing to change, and she wasn’t willing to change, and so I let her walk away.” He brought a hand up to caress her face. “I don’t make the same mistake twice.”
The room was silent for a moment as the song faded. Ana didn’t speak until the first guitar chord echoed through the bedroom. It was the slow ballad. The one they danced to before. Just hearing the song was enough to make her pulse race now. “It’s our song.” She shifted on him, rubbing against his erection. “Well, I think this should be our song. It was the first time I realized you’d be trouble.”
“Only the best kind.” He surprised her by rolling her onto her back, body hard where his hands were soft. His mouth descended to start kissing her neck at the same slow tempo of the music. “And I think you’re right. This is our song. It was the first time I got to see you smile.”
Ana traced his spine, running her fingers up and down his back. Closing her eyes, she imagined herself at the concert, wrapped in Ben’s arms, the music washing over both of them. His lips were hot and soft on her neck, each kiss tender. “I think I smile more around you than anybody else.”
“And you were going to leave me,” he chided.
He moved lower, licking at the hollow of her throat first, then down, over her shirt, to mouth her breast through the thin cotton fabric. His teeth caught the hard tip of her nipple, and though the effect was softened by layers of clothing, Ana groaned and arched up into it.
“We still have that fantasy of yours to fulfill, you know. And you’re already on your back.” Ben lifted his head, a wicked smile playing on his lips. “We can make this song all about firsts.”
“You want to just take me right here and now?”
“I did say it would be hard to restrain myself the next time I saw you.”
Ana reached between their bodies, palming his hard cock. “I’m surprised you managed to restrain yourself this long.”
“Better to have gotten the other out of the way first, than to have the best sex of our lives and you spring it on me after.”
Abruptly, Ben sat up, whipping his shirt off over his head. When he came back down, his mouth went straight for Ana’s stomach, long fingers sliding beneath the elastic at her waist to begin rolling her sweats down her hips. Ana lifted her hips to help him, and he took her panties with it, nibbling along the top of her mound as he stripped the fabric from her legs.
“The best sex of our lives? That’s an awful lot of pressure you’re putting on yourself,” she said, squirming beneath him.
She almost didn’t hear the words he murmured against her skin. “Every time is the best time, Ana.”
Ana closed her eyes, focusing on the way his lips skimmed over her. A whisper of contact, just enough to feel, just enough to make her squirm a little, enough to make her blood warm. His mouth made her feel like she was sipping rich wine, the alcohol racing through her veins and going straight to her head. She was already wet for him, and his suggestion that they fulfill her fantasy had made every muscle in her body clench with anticipation, but for the moment, she wanted nothing more than his soft, heady kisses.
The music rolled over them, immersing her in the memories of that first night, but Ben’s gentle hands countered the harder sensations she remembered. Without lifting his head from her lower stomach, he guided her thighs apart, stroking the delicate skin. It bordered on ticklish, but his touch was firm enough to keep the giggles at bay, and he drew paths down to her knees that made her tremble.
She felt the breaths first. It took a moment to realize they were actually words, soft and barely intelligible. They were the lyrics of the song still coming through the phone.