by Susan Harris
“Of course, I’m worried about Alana, Cormac, which does not make me a bad mother. She is your daughter and wants to prove she can be like you. At least with Sophia I know she won’t sign up and leave when she turns sixteen. My Sophia is far too soft to be an officer. But Alana takes after you and wants to right the wrongs of the world.”
A loud bang broke the silence. For a split second, I was afraid that something bad had happened when the sound of my mom’s voice pacified me.
“And that’s going to solve everything, isn’t it? Does it make you feel better, smashing cups like a barbarian? I swear, Cormac, I am tempted to pack up and take Sophia with me and seek passage to the Free Islands.”
My dad growled. “Over my dead body, Sorcha. Do not let that thought cross your mind again. Why must you make more of this than it is?”
“If you were me and I spent most of my free time with another man, would you be so coy about it? No, judging from the scowl on your face, I think not. That woman is a blight. She is power hungry and only follows you because she wants more. Whatever it is, whether it’s you or your job, I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. Just don’t rush off and spend time with her for work when your daughter is leaving in a few days. God knows when she will be back.”
My dad laughed, but a hint of bitterness was hidden in it. “So you’re jealous? Ah, come on, Sorcha. I’m not a spring chicken anymore, my love, and I already snared the most beautiful girl ever to walk into my mother’s bakery.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere, Cormac. I won’t budge on this. I swear that woman is nothing but trouble and will put an end to everything you’ve worked for. Are those criminals and your work with her really worth losing your family?”
My mouth went dry. The sound of my blood pounding blared in my ears. Would she really do it? Take Sophia and leave me here? Yes, I was leaving in a few days, but she was my mom and if she wanted me to go with her I would… wouldn’t I?
“Don’t make idle threats, Sorcha, it’s beneath you. I am trying to reform a system brought in during a time when crime raged across the world and people were scared. Forgive me if I think that children, yes Sorcha, don’t shake your head, they are children who deserve a chance at redemption, are worth saving. Some of them are as young as Sophia, some as old as Alana.”
I held my breath as I waited for my dad to continue. Taken aback by his words, I couldn’t imagine someone as young as Sophia locked up in prison.
“I have tried for years to have my opinions on the death penalty for young offenders heard, and I am almost there, Sorcha. It will mean a reform in the judicial system as we know it. Would you really threaten to take my family away from me for wanting to ensure that our girls get to live in a better world?”
“One man cannot change the world when it took hundreds to ruin it. What makes you think that your Treatment can do what others have failed to do? Let us live out our lives far from all this controversy and reforms. Are we not enough for you? I’m through discussing this tonight. Go to bed and try not to forget that you have responsibilities other than being warden.”
A kitchen chair creaked as my dad stood and pushed away from the table. Far too many things danced inside my head and it took me a second to match the sounds as the kitchen door closed behind him. Before it registered, my dad stood at the bottom of the stairs, eyes narrowed at me.
“How long have you been sitting there?”
“A while,” I said quietly. He started climbing the stairs in my direction. My dad appeared like a typical soldier, broad shoulders, thick legs and a buzz cut that tended to be from age, not choice. He had a stern face that I knew could soften, but he was an imposing man all the same. Before he had become warden, he worked his way up the ranks first as a soldier, then as a guard in the newly built prison before accepting the role of warden in the underage unit.
“I’m sorry if we woke you, Alana.”
His voice broke through my thoughts as he sat down beside me. I gave him a weak smile as I answered, “S’okay… Guess I should get used to waking up at ungodly hours.”
“Are you nervous?”
His question stunned me. “A little… but it’s what I want.”
My dad sighed and his shoulders sagged as he ran his hand across the stubble on his chin. “Once it makes you happy, that is all that matters. Don’t do this for me or anyone else.”
I wasn’t. All I ever wanted to do was to travel the world and do what was right, to be a little piece in a bigger picture. I never saw myself as the stay at home and have a brood of kids and bake cookies type of girl. Although I respected the hell out of women or men who chose to do that, it wasn’t for me.
“I’m sure it will, Dad. I’m just nervous to start training.”
“But you have an advantage that others will not.” My sideways glance was greeted with a grin. “You trained with the best of the best. Me.” He nudged my shoulder with his and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“You learned to shoot a gun at ten, Alana, and I showed you plenty of ways to defend yourself without violence. You’re fast. Use that to your advantage. I have no doubt that my little girl will do famously well in training.”
His voice boomed with pride for me, and I feared I might disappoint him. I would never want that.
“Will you and Mom be okay? I mean, I can stay and defer for a year if things are…” I searched for a word to describe what was going on, but it eluded me.
My dad put his arm around me and dragged me close for a hug. “No, my girl, you go. Your mother and I will be fine. It’s nothing for you to worry about. Promise me you won’t.”
“I promise,” I said, but we both knew my words were false, and I would worry, regardless.
He pressed his lips to the top of my head and gave me a final squeeze before saying, “Go on now… go back to bed, so I can clear the air with your mother. But never forget that we love you, Alana, and are proud of you, no matter what happens.”
Dad stood and headed off down the stairs. I watched until he disappeared into the kitchen again. My mom picked up the argument where they’d left off, but he shushed her, probably telling her that I was sitting on the stairs. When I heard the rustle of cups, I knew she was making tea, and I left my perch on the stairs to slip back into my room.
Lying on top of the covers, I breathed in the silence. At the end of the week, I would leave my childhood home and carve out a future for myself, but I would still worry about my family and wonder if my mom meant her threat to take Sophia away.
A flash of light through my curtains lit the room, and I listened as thunder followed in the distance. My parents continued speaking in murmured voices below me, and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out the sound. The kitchen door swung shut and my dad’s footfalls echoed on the stairs. He paused outside my door, and I heard him sigh.
“Goodnight, Alana.”
I didn’t answer… couldn’t… for fear that my voice would tremble and only add to the pain of the situation. After a moment he moved on, and I heard him check on a still snoring Sophia before coming back down the hall and going into his own bedroom. The familiar creak on the threshold groaned as he stepped on it.
Exhaling a slow, steady breath, I turned on my side, pulling my legs to my chest and relaxed my eyes as a tear escaped from them. Soon I was quietly crying in unison with my mother, her own sobs floating through the house as the attic door banged and the storm continued to rage on.
Waking from the dream only made it seem more real, and I cried. All my grief flowed into my tears, and I wished that by emptying them, the hole in my chest would be filled. It was a long shot, and I did not hold out much hope. How had I forgotten that memory? So my parents had fought. Big deal. But when my mom spoke of Theresa, there was so much hate in her voice, and she did not sound like my mom. Was there some other reason for her feelings? I hoped not.
It was a sobering thought that my parents had argued over his work and Theresa… worse that Mom really might have taken S
ophia away. Had there been threats on our lives? What could my dad have been working on that might cause my mom to think there was? They weren’t here, so I had no one to ask… no one but Theresa. Sure. Could I even imagine walking up and asking her why my parents fought over her work? And what the hell Treatment had they talked about?
I closed my eyes and pictured my dad’s face and the mirror of my own eyes in his. I’d heard his words repeated over and over and over until I memorized the sound of his voice, the feel of him as he hugged me, and even the familiar smell of diesel that wrinkled my nose.
“But never forget that we love you, Alana, and are proud of you, no matter what happens.”
“Oh, Dad, I’m so sorry,” I whispered aloud as if his ghost would appear beside me and take me in his arms. I knew that I had been loved and safe but had not felt that way for a very long time. I tried to think of a time when safety was as simple as being in my dad’s embrace. The image of him changed and it was Daniel’s arms that were wrapped around me, his lips kissing my cheek as I leaned into him. The smell of cut grass and summer delighted my senses. We were sitting on a blanket in the grass. Daniel was at my back with me sitting between his legs, my head resting on his chest, his arms snared me from behind. It was natural and easy for us to ignore everyone else as they bustled around us, rushing to classes or home, enjoying a rare day where the sun shined down on us.
I sighed, content, as I watched Daniel out of the corner of my eyes. His own eyes were a vibrant blue against the sunlight and he appeared so relaxed, in jeans and a T-shirt. His smile sparkled with a certain brightness that I had not seen before, and I felt safe in his arms. I tilted my head to get a better look at him while he bent down to kiss me, and I eagerly awaited his lips on mine.
When my eyes opened, I shook my head thinking I really must be going crazy now. That couldn’t be an actual memory. Could it? Surely it was only a dream… all in my head. Daniel was the only one trying to help me, so I must have morphed my feelings into something that wasn’t real. Next, I would be crushing on Connors and making goo-goo eyes at him. He was so not my type. But Daniel on the other hand…
I let out a hysterical burst of laughter and it continued even harder, becoming uncontrollable. One or two of the inmates shouted for me to quiet down. For some unknown reason, I could not stop laughing and my sides hurt, tears running down my face. I sat up on the bed and placed my bare feet on the ground hoping the chill would bring me back to reality, but the laughter failed to cease, and it was difficult remembering to breathe at the same time.
The door to my cell opened, and the female guard popped her head in.
“Everything alright, McCarthy?”
I couldn’t answer her because the laughter was still bubbling under the surface. All I could do was wipe tears away from my eyes. The guard watched and waited for an answer. I must have looked psychotic to her, all bed head and laughing my head off.
Finally, I was able to nod because I was still afraid to open my mouth for fear that another burst of laughter would explode. The guard studied me for a second to make sure I wasn’t a danger to myself. When she turned and left the cell, I started into another hysterical bout of giggles.
Where was the laughter coming from, and why would it not just go away? Yup, I was now officially a crazy person. I needed help differentiating reality from dreams and memories from my overactive imagination. The real reason I hadn’t answered the guard was because the answer she got would not be the one she sought. She just wanted to do her job and go home at the end of her shift and forget the criminals she was forced to guard.
Why did I keep my answer to myself and succumb to the insane giggling?
Because nothing would ever be all right ever again.
11
Alana
“We’ve got nothing to lose except everything we are.”
(Walking on Cars: Don’t mind me)
Somehow I had fallen into a dreamless sleep. I must admit, it saddened me, although I didn’t know if it was because I hadn’t remembered anything new or because I wasn’t allowed to experience that warm, happy feeling when my pretend version of Daniel had put his arms around me. Oh, and there was the almost kiss.
I spent most of the morning in a daze, forgetting to eat breakfast, or basically playing with my food while I stared into space. It was a Monday, so my session with Daniel wasn’t scheduled until later in the day. Monday mornings meant meetings for the staff. So I just sat there for what felt like forever, while some inmates shuffled off to their daily activities. The lifers hung around with nothing to do.
Jayson tried to catch my eye a few times, but I really did not feel in a sociable mood. He, Afsana, and another of the lifers were playing cards. The sound of their easy laughter twisted a knot in my chest. I still found it really difficult to understand how, as young as they were, some people could shirk off their impending demise like a bug on their shoulders, when all I could do was wallow in self-pity and delusional daydreams.
I made the decision to join them on the spur of the moment, but when I spied the Russian vulture swooping in, my mind was totally made up. Veronika and her boyfriend proceeded to sneak up on the unsuspecting trio before I could get across the hall.
As their shadows loomed over the table, Jayson glanced up. After a fleeting look of surprise, he flashed Veronika a megawatt smile and gathered the cards, shuffling them together in his hands as he spoke. “Hey, guys… sit down and join us… makes it more fun with more players.”
Veronika sneered at him, and I sensed that the girl was just out looking for trouble. I hovered, shy of the cluster, waiting to see if the bitch started something. Placing both hands on the table, the freakishly tall sixteen-year-old leaned in close to Jayson and sneered. “I vant to play vith the cards. Give them to us.”
Jayson leaned back calmly and said, “Sorry, Veronika. The only way you can play with the cards is to join us. My cards, my rules. But by all means, sit and join us.”
Veronika struck out and knocked the cards from Jayson’s hands, and the deck went flying in the air, scattering all over the floor. I took a quick glance around the room. None of the guards even flinched. Why intervene when you can depend on a trusted behaviour chip should things get messy, right? I spotted Connors’ freckled face amongst the guards and adverted my eyes as he begun to shake his head, probably advising me to steer clear of the situation. He knew I had always believed in doing the right thing and still did.
Jayson slid out from his seat as Afsana buried her head in her hands. Jayson stepped forward, and I put a hand on his shoulder. He peeked back, and I nodded. There was no way in hell that I would let the bully best me twice. If David could slay Goliath, then my tiny self could take down the Russian equivalent… even if my ribs still protested.
“Now, Veronika that wasn’t very nice, was it? Pick up the cards and be on your way, and the situation won’t have to get physical,” I said, no waver in my voice.
A pure look of absolute hatred spread across her face, and my smile widened. This was her weakness. For some reason it was personal for her. Her emotions would get in the way, regardless. But why did she hate me so much? Did this all lead back to my dad?
“Stupid girl. I will finish what I started, and your life will end.”
“In case you haven’t heard, my life’s already going to end. Not much to hold over me, is it?” I had no idea where the bravado came from because my stomach was tied in knots.
Jayson stepped forward as Veronika’s boyfriend inched closer to me, and their other friend gave up the ghost and fled the scene. Afsana muttered to herself as her entire body trembled, and Veronika’s eyes latched onto me simultaneously while she reached out a taloned hand, ready to grab the petrified girl by the scruff of the neck. I didn’t think. Gut instinct took over, and I just reacted to stop Veronika from harming the poor girl again. Balling my fist up tightly, I lunged forward as my fist connected with Veronika’s stomach. She let out a strangled sound. Ha… that’s for my
ribs, bitch…
Her eyes widened in fury, and she growled before launching her massive body at me. She was so fixated on her rage that she failed to notice when I sidestepped, and she ran into an empty space with nowhere for her aggression to go. If this had been a cartoon, you would have seen steam coming out of her ears as she shrieked again and charged at me once more.
This time I listened to my dad’s voice as he whispered in my head, “Use your speed to your advantage.” While Veronika raised a hand to use her talons to try and relieve me of an eye, I spun to the side, crouched down, and Veronika’s momentum led her straight into my trap. I flicked out my leg, tripping her as she crashed hard to the ground.
What happened next frightened even me, especially since I had dangled meat in front of the animal, and now she would eat me alive. The entire room had frozen while Veronika rose silently to her feet and turned, her face snarled into a vicious twist of rage and hate. She put her hands on the table where Afsana still huddled, and I realized what Veronika intended to do. I swiftly grabbed Afsana by the shoulders and jerked her back out of the path as Veronika imploded.
Shrieking like a wild animal she tossed the table aside, and it crashed into a nearby wall with such force that the wood splintered. The guards gathered finally, coming closer to see if they could diffuse the situation, but Veronika was too far gone for that. She grabbed hold of a stray piece of timber and swung it blindly, screaming. Not only did she smack Jayson on the hip but almost decapitated Connors as he tried to disarm her.
Afsana clung to me, the poor girl having wrapped her body around mine to avoid witnessing the carnage. I found it difficult to move as I watched Veronika stalk towards me, murder in her eyes.
“I will kill you! I will gut you and play with your insides while you still breathe! Your father promised to help me, and now you will pay for his lies… I hope he rots in the grave you put him in.”