Shattered Memories

by Susan Harris

  My eyes focused forward, looking out at the stone wall that confined us. “There is so much I want to tell you, Alana, but I can’t risk your life by telling you about it now. Treatment is a program that I know very little about, but it’s the warden’s pet project. Other information that I have was passed on to me by others, so I can’t tell you any more details because I don’t know… not yet.

  All that matters to me is that you remember. You can trust me. You know that, right?”

  Her hesitation was brief before she nodded, but that was all I needed. Glancing at my watch, I noted that we were running out of time. But when weren’t we?

  “I wish I could remember. Is it okay to admit that I’m afraid to? Maybe that’s what is holding me back… fear.”

  Without realizing it, I gritted my teeth and resisted every urge that coursed through me. “Fear makes us feel our humanity,” I said, “It is okay to be afraid of things, Alana, but fear should not conquer us. If you let yourself open up and admit to yourself that you are afraid, maybe your mind will accept it and allow you to remember.”

  She nodded but quickly refocused on the ground.

  “You would tell me if you started to remember things, wouldn’t you? Anything at all relevant or irrelevant… if something you have remembered has confused you in any way or you feel your dreams are misleading you, then you can tell me so we can figure them out together. Otherwise, I am of no help to you, and they will put a stop to our sessions.”

  Connors whistled and tapped his wrist indicating our time outside was up. The sky darkened and the rain began to fall, but I assumed neither of us cared about getting wet. Alana didn’t answer, so I turned and walked towards Connors. I stopped abruptly when a hand landed on my elbow. Looking down at her, I kept moving.

  “I’m sure I know you from somewhere. I really do… because you seem so familiar that I can’t shake it off. I really want to remember.”

  My best response was no reply, and she didn’t push. She needed to remember on her own, even if I was dying to just let the words spill out of my mouth. Telling her before she was ready to accept it might cause more damage than good, and I could not risk her safety for my own selfish means.

  One last look around the yard before heading back inside, and I said, “I will try and get you some more time in the yard.”

  Alana stared at her feet. “I know you will, Daniel, and even if this was my last time, I don’t mind… you came through on your promise and I won’t ever forget it.”

  I exhaled and continued along, following the same path that brought us there. Far too soon we were back where we started. Connors left us alone, walking away without a word. The tension between us was awkward for a minute before I broke the silence and told Alana I would see her for our session tomorrow.

  She acknowledged my words, and I watched her tiny legs carrying her up the stairs. Unable to turn away, I counted the steps until she disappeared into her cell. The mess hall was empty and quiet, so I took my time returning to my office. I had done all I could do to get her to trust me. This was make it or break it time. We had precious little time left for my plan to work.

  Her words rang like music in my ears, a ballad of loss, love and, of course, tragedy. “I’m sure I know you from somewhere. I really do… because you seem so familiar that I can’t shake it off. I really want to remember.”

  And as the shrill phone rang inside my office, all I could think was… I wish you could remember me too.

  15

  Alana

  “And it feels so real from the outside looking in.”

  (OneRepublic: Tyrant)

  What a rush! I had been allowed outside. Breathed in real air and felt the rain-soaked grass tickle my toes. I was the first to admit that running around in the grass might make me appear even more insane than they already thought. And Daniel had done this for me. Day by day, I became more drawn to him and was now sure that I had seen him before… maybe even more than that. The way my body reacted to him had to be more than just false hope, right? Or maybe I was just deluding myself.

  The fresh air must have worked wonders for me because I drifted off to sleep early that night and dreamt of nothing but Dr Daniel Costello.

  While making my way across the campus, that familiar, happy feeling blossomed in my chest at the thought of seeing Daniel again. He had left a handwritten note, so Daniel-like, under my door asking me to meet him for lunch. He was a dork, my Danny, but he was my dork.

  I had seen him before he spotted me, sitting with his back against the trunk of a tree, and I watched him push his glasses up his nose and couldn’t help but smile. I had had many offers from other boys since arriving at the centre, but no one had grabbed my attention like Daniel. Smart and funny without trying, he was not typically handsome to attract certain female attention. The twits here were more interested in muscles than brains. But when Daniel smiled, he was more handsome to me than any muscled idiot.

  His brown hair was rumpled, constant bed head, so much so that I teased him about it regularly and his electric blue eyes were enough to take my breath away when he looked at me with such intensity. He made all the hardship about being away from home bearable.

  A twig snapped under the weight of my step, and it caught his attention. When his head jerked up, a very sexy, deliberate smile crept across his face. Rising to his feet, I went to him, standing on my tippy toes to kiss him. It was a fleeting kiss, but a heated one, and I pulled away again.

  “I thought you ninjas were meant to be stealthy… heard you coming a mile away.” He chuckled, dodging out of my way as I tried unsuccessfully to swat him with my hand. Catching and grabbing hold of that hand, he pulled me down beside him, and I slipped comfortably under his arm, putting my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me fully. There was no other place I would rather be.

  The shade of the tree cast shadows on the grass, the branches swaying from side to side, waving in the breeze. It was dry, had been for the last few days, uncharacteristic of the Island, but the forecast was for rain soon. Tomorrow, I would head home, my final trip there before graduating the first stage of my training. From there I would be out on assignment. It might be the last time I would see my parents and sister for a while, and maybe the last time I saw Daniel too until after completion of my first post. But in two days, he would come home with me, and I would get to show him off to my family.

  “Are you nervous about meeting my dad?” I asked.

  Daniel pulled me closer, and I heard the smile in his voice as he answered, “Me? Afraid of meeting your dad? Now, who in their right mind would be scared of meeting the warden of a secure facility? Certainly not the boy who dared date his daughter. No babe, I’m more scared to meet your mom.”

  “And why is that?” I laughed.

  “Because it is a well-known fact that the more a father dislikes his daughter’s boyfriend, the more the girl likes him… but moms are a different story. A mom who dislikes your boyfriend rings all kind of alarms in a girl’s head.”

  “And you know all that from your profound knowledge and dating experience?”

  “Sure, we can go with that.”

  “And what about the other way around?”

  “My aunt is counting down the days till she meets you. In her own words, ‘Any girl who makes you happy, Daniel, already has me won over.’”

  “You’re such a dork,” I said, wrapping my free arm around his waist.

  “Isn’t that why you love me?”

  I did love him, with every fibre of me. Sure, we had only been dating for six months, and he was older than me, but those things didn’t matter. From my first week at the centre, and our first encounter, I had something to focus on other than worrying about following in my dad’s footsteps. Someone who liked me for me. Nothing else mattered.

  When I tilted my head up, Daniel lowered his lips to mine. And with that bare hint of contact, I was on fire. I ran my tongue over his bottom lip. He groaned. I pulled back and grinned a
s he shook his head.

  “You’ll be the death of me, woman.”

  I didn’t let him say any more as my lips occupied his, reminding me that I had to wait another two days until he would be kissing me again. Twisting away from him, I lay down on the grass, my fingers on the collar of his charcoal T-shirt; I pulled him down with me. We kissed for a while, my fingers inching inside his shirt so I could feel his bare skin against my fingertips.

  Another groan and a few whistles and catcalls made me laugh as Daniel braced himself on his elbows above me. His cheeks were flushed, and his gaze became hungry, but I put my hands on his chest and gave him a little shove. He chuckled again and rolled onto his side and propped up on his elbow in the grass.

  “As I said… you’ll be the death of me.”

  “At least you’ll die happy,” I joked.

  He brushed his lips against my forehead and murmured, “Being with you, how could I not?”

  My Daniel might not think he was a smooth talker, but deep down he was a charmer. The sun began to set, and the first hint of night crept upon us. We lay side by side, neither of us willing to make the first move. It may have been pathetic, but I already missed him.

  So much left to do before I had to go. I still had to pack, shove a few things into a bag really, so I got up off the grass and said, “I’d better go.”

  “Need help packing?” he asked with a grin.

  Shaking my head at the boyish, mischievous look on his face, I answered, “We wouldn’t get much packing done. You know it.”

  He grinned, and I let him sweep me in for a tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you, too.” When he released me, he nudged me forward. “Go on. I’ll see you in two days. Try not to forget me while you’re gone.”

  That was my key to laugh, and I stole another kiss before skipping out of his reach. I called over my shoulder, “I could never forget you, lover boy!”

  Running back towards the dorms, I paused when I reached the door trying to spot Daniel in the distance. I watched as he disappeared into the shadows. In two days, the boy I love would meet my family and they would love him as much as me. If I were any happier, I would burst.

  Blood pounded in my ears, waking me from a sound sleep. For a moment, I was unaware of my surroundings and tried to calm the rapid beating of my heart. God damn it! Why was my mind doing this to me? I let out a scream of frustration, not caring who heard me, unaware what time of day or night it was. Why would I be dreaming of Daniel at the training centre if he were not there?

  My stomach was tied in knots, and I stayed in my cell for the entire morning, not bothering to go for breakfast for fear that I might vomit the nasty porridge. The pain in my stomach soon became unbearable, and I lay back on my bed, refusing to move.

  Just after lunch, which I shied away from as well, Connors knocked on the cell wall. I kept still, but he stood over me, a look of concern on his face. Concern or pity? Now I really did feel like I was going to be sick.

  “Time for your session with the doc, McCarthy,” Connors said.

  Shaking my head, I replied, “I’m not up to it today, Connors.”

  The concern deepened on his face. “Do you need to see the medic?”

  “No… My stomach just feels weird. I don’t want to be sick on his carpet.”

  “If you’re sure you’re okay.”

  No, really, I’m fine… I want to kiss my shrink, feel his hands on me like he did in my dreams. Then I want to see the lust in his eyes and feel safe as he hugs me. The sight of him would probably bring me to tears. Knowing that I imagined it all was almost as bad as not knowing if I killed my family.

  I wanted my family to be alive and for me to awaken from this nightmare. It was important for me to be back in my room at home waiting for my boyfriend to come visit my parents for the first time. We would spend time with my sister and see her alive and well instead of this sick image I have of her lifeless and dead on the living room floor. I just wished for everything to make sense.

  But I didn’t say that. I nodded and closed my eyes so he would leave me alone. Sure enough, it worked. I heard his heavy footsteps on the landing, getting quieter the more distance he travelled.

  Again, I was alone, lost in my thoughts, trying to figure out if the dream was real or not. But Daniel would have told me if we had met before? No, he wouldn’t. Actually, his words from the day before rattled around in my head. There is so much I want to tell you, Alana, but I can’t risk your life by telling you about it now. Why would he speak to me about risking my life? Could I be putting two and two together and coming up with five? And there I was again, imagining that there was an us when it might break my heart if he told me it was all in my head, and my dreams were not real.

  I must have been lying there all through dinner because someone cleared their throat, and I reluctantly opened my eyes. Jayson stood in my doorway, holding something in his hand. My stomach lurched and growled at the same time causing Jay to smirk.

  “I thought you might be hungry. You skipped all your meals today.”

  I sat up and looked at him. “Won’t you get in trouble for coming in here?”

  He jerked his head back. “I got permission from Connors before coming up. Seems he’s a bit worried you might be ill. Does our freckled friend have the hots for the brooding inmate? What a movie that would make.”

  “Shut up, you idiot, and sit down,” I grunted, taking what was in his offered hand. Unwrapping the paper, I picked at the few dried pieces of fruit, eating one or two so as not to appear rude. “Sorry, I just had an off day today. Needed time to myself.”

  Jayson sat on the bed and waited for me to eat some more fruit before he spoke. He rested his elbow on his knee, and then put his chin in his hand. “Everybody needs a time out every now and then… just don’t avoid us. We might be able to help.”

  “Can you give me back the last year?” My tone was too sarcastic, but I regretted the words too late.

  “Sorry, but I can be a roguishly handsome shoulder to lean on. Alas, I cannot work miracles.” My lip twitched and he yelled, “Eureka! I got a smile… my mission is complete.”

  “Shut up, will you, you’re such a dork.” The words fell from my lips, and I suddenly felt as if a cold bucket of water had been thrown in my face.

  “Hey, Alana, you okay? You’ve gone paler than normal.”

  “Yeah, I’m fine… just felt like déjà vu or something.”

  “That’s good isn’t it? Means you might be remembering stuff.”

  I was silent for a while, and Jayson tapped his foot against the floor. I turned to him and said, “Do you ever wish you could forget what happened to you?”

  “No. I don’t think so anyway. I did what I did to help my sister, and she is safe and happy now. Going to school and everything. That old man died, and I am sorry for that. It wasn’t something I did on purpose, just wrong place, wrong time. But I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had a do-over. You understand why, right?”

  I did. Jayson knew his sister benefitted from his crime and would lead a happy and fulfilled life thanks to him. If I remembered the past year, I would never be able to say the same.

  “I’m beginning to get glimpses… but I can’t tell if they are real or wishful thinking. I really want to remember more than anything. It all makes me feel like a broken teacup. You glue it back together, but there will always be a piece missing, leaking tea as you drink from it.”

  Jayson took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Maybe you’re better off… not remembering, I mean.” I tilted my head sideways to look at him. “I mean, what if you do remember and it’s far worse than you imagined? What if you remembered and you go about wishing you had never remembered? What if you just throw out the pieces and buy a new cup? Is any memory worth hurting yourself over?”

  I gently yanked my hand free of his. “But if I don’t remember, I’ll die believing I killed my parents and my sister. That their blood was on my hands. I can’t wash it off. Every day I have the fee
ling that I’m missing something. It’s as if I should be doing something else. That remembering will solve everything.”

  He watched me cautiously.

  “But then… do I want to remember and be proven innocent? What do I have to look forward to? A lifetime of loneliness with no family or anyone? What if I have forgotten something important?” My voice cracked and I hushed up.

  Jayson stood as he said, “If it’s important, you’ll remember, I promise you. Is it possible you’re trying too hard? By the way, you are not alone. There are a lot of people who want to see you happy with your memories back. I told you one other time that you’re not alone. Talk to your shrink, Alana. He can help you more than you’re willing to admit.”

  My gaze had met his before he turned to walk out the door. I lay back down on the bed staring at the emptiness of the ceiling, envying it. The ceiling, despite its blandness, was a clean slate. It could be painted over with a new colour and given a new life.

  Returning my memories might not give me the clean slate that I wanted. My family would still be dead and I would still be in prison. I really believed that no matter if my memory returned or not, in two more months I would go wherever it is they take us to die. And that would be that. I would just remain a bit of gossip in the prison until something else happened, and I ceased to exist.

  Suddenly I was angry… angry at my parents for dying and leaving me alone… angry at Sophia for being too small to defend herself… angry at Daniel for giving me false hope… angry at myself for letting pathetic fantasies take over my mind.

  I jumped off the bed and screamed. The next thing I knew I had used what little strength left to overturn the bed, scattering all the bedding to the floor. I took one of the pillows and beat it across the wall. Then I kicked the bin with such force it smashed into the door with a sickening thud.

  While continuing on my furious rampage, the door slid open and strong arms captured me from behind, holding my own in place. I struggled to break free and kicked out, but those arms would not let me go. I cried in frustration and tasted the saltiness of the tears on my lips.