Audrey ignored him and turned to Veronica. “I forgot my gardening gloves at the cabin. Can I go get them?”
Veronica looked over at him with a frown before looking back at her. “You haven’t eaten your breakfast yet.”
“I’m not hungry,” she replied, pushing her bowl back. “May I please be excused?”
“Sure,” Veronica said and the girl got up, fleeing from the table like it was on fire.
He watched her leave the lodge and turned back to Veronica, confused about what had just happened. “She mad at me?”
“She’s probably just pissed that we won’t let her go out on the run today,” Veronica reassured him as she took Audrey’s bowl and divided up the contents between her and Hannah.
“But she’s fine with ya and yer the one who told her she couldn’t go.”
Veronica shrugged. “If I knew how to read the minds of teenagers, my job would have been much easier. Maybe it’s just hormones or something.”
“Easy for ya to brush off, she ain’t pissed with ya,” he grumbled.
“Well, you can always go ask her what’s going on,” Veronica offered with a small smirk.
“And get my head torn off? No thanks.”
“I know why she’s mad,” Hannah chimed in.
“Yeah?” She nodded her head vigorously. “And why’s that, Squirt?”
“She’s mad because she says you spend all your time flirting with Miss Mendez. She says it hurts Veronica’s feelings when you do it and that’s why Audrey doesn’t like Miss Mendez.”
Veronica coughed as she choked on her oatmeal and Jackson felt like his eyes were ready to bug right out of his head. Mendez seemed unsurprised and Banks looked downright gleeful.
“What else did your sister tell you about this flirting?” Banks asked Hannah, who put a finger on her chin as she thought.
“Well, she said--”
“That’s enough, Hannah,” Veronica said, her words clipped. “I’m sure Audrey told you those things in confidence. Do you know what that means? It means a secret and you shouldn’t tell people’s secrets.”
“But Jackson asked,” Hannah said with a pout.
“I know he did,” she reassured the girl before glaring across the table at him, “But he shouldn’t have.”
“I’m still interested in hearing about this flirting,” Banks said.
“Weren’t no flirtin’,” Jackson grumbled, hating that this was just even more ammo for Banks to hit him with. Why couldn’t the guy fuck up and embarrass himself so he could take him down a peg or two? “Don’t know what that girl saw but it weren’t flirtin’.”
“Yeah, I think it’s best we lay that rumour to rest,” Mendez said. “I wouldn’t want it to get back to my girlfriend and have her think I was going to join the other team.”
“Girlfriend, huh?” Banks commented. “When did you become official?”
“Last night,” Mendez said with a smile. “Elaine is going to move in with Lorraine and Jenny so we can have a cabin to ourselves.”
“You’re with Angela?” Veronica blurted out a bit too loudly. She seemed to realize it too, her cheeks turning pink.
Mendez didn’t seem to mind, smiling as she nodded. “A couple weeks now.”
Banks scraped up the last of his oatmeal and swallowed it before he stood up. “Come on, Mendez, let’s go get ready. I think it’s about to get awkward in here.”
She followed him to the kitchen, leaving Jackson alone with Veronica, Hannah and the nice little awkward silence they’d made.
Assholes.
He went in on his oatmeal and toast, figuring the sooner he was done, the sooner he could escape.
“Veronica, what does flirting mean?” Hannah asked as she scooped up the last of her oatmeal.
Yeah, he’d rather have the awkward silence back. At least she’d asked Veronica instead of him.
“Well, umm...flirting is something you do when you like someone, as more than a friend.”
Jackson dared to look up from his bowl to see that Veronica was actually avoiding looking at him.
“Why would Jackson flirting with Mendez hurt your feelings?” Hannah asked and Veronica let out a quiet groan. He could see her cheeks turning red and he felt bad for her.
“It didn’t hurt her ‘cause I wasn’t flirtin’ with Mendez,” Jackson said. “She’s just a friend.”
“And flirting is for someone who is more than a friend,” Hannah said, putting the pieces together.
“Exactly,” he said. “Now focus on eatin’ up ‘stead of askin’ questions. Gotta finish up ‘fore we miss seein’ the others off.”
Hannah dug into her oatmeal with gusto and Jackson chanced a look at Veronica. She was looking at him with that smile of hers, the one he was starting to think was just for him. It made her eyes sparkle and a tiny dimple appear just below the corner of her mouth.
Maybe it was time for him to be honest with her and tell her how he felt. Only problem was he was pretty sure that if he gave her the nod, she’d want to be all in with him and he couldn’t put her through that. She deserved someone better than him. Quinton had been right all those weeks ago when he said that he wasn’t good enough for her. Just because it was the end of the world and pickings were slim, it didn’t mean she should settle for less than she deserved.
Before he could think on it further, Malcolm came in the main doors with Elaine, who had a clipboard in hand. “Alright everybody, we’re gonna meet at the docks in twenty minutes. Make sure you’ve got your packs ready with emergency rations and pick up your first aid kits from Quinton at the clinic.”
Well, looked like it would have to wait. They’d have to go see the others off and then he was scheduled to spend the day alone on watch. Probably a good idea. He needed to think some more.
Subject File # 750
Administrator: I know you care about him.
Subject: Of course I do. He’s saved my life again and again. I’d have to be heartless not to care about him.
Administrator: Now, you and I both know it’s more than that. I think you should be honest with yourself.
Subject: Yeah, I’m not so sure I’m ready for that.
“Take care of yourself out there,” Veronica said as she hugged Quinton. “Don’t try to be a hero and get yourself killed, okay?”
“I promise I won’t,” he said, brushing a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll be back here to be a pain in your ass in no time.”
Malcolm approached them with Elaine’s clipboard in hand. “Did everybody get the first aid kits?”
“Everyone’s stocked,” Quinton said. “Suture kits, alcohol, latex gloves and bandages. I’ve got the big first aid kit with the more serious stuff.”
“Good,” he replied, using his pen to cross things off his clipboard.
Malcolm was more intense than usual but Veronica could understand it. He wanted this to go off without a hitch and he was using what they had learned out on the road to prepare for the worst.
Harold approached them, pushing his glasses up his nose as he nodded in greeting.
“Malcolm, I wanted to tell you that I completed writing the certification test last night. When you get back I can administer it. Then you will be able to enter the lab.”
“Great, I can’t wait,” Malcolm replied, his eyes never leaving his clipboard.
Harold nodded and walked away, Veronica and Quinton watching him go before they turned back to Malcolm.
“He’s actually going to let you go down there?” she asked in disbelief.
Malcolm nodded. “Truth is I had forgotten about it after all the commotion with Jackson’s accident and then finishing up the watch points. I’d asked him to certify me so I had the clearance and he said it would take time to prepare the lessons and test. Guess he got it done.”
While Malcolm might have forgotten about the conversation between Angela and Nas, she hadn’t been able to forget. It had been in the back of her mind every time she met with Angela in the loft f
or one of their sessions. She hadn’t wanted to bother Malcolm about it, knowing that if she kept pressing, she could come off as overly paranoid and trying to make trouble. She was relieved to know that Malcolm hadn’t ignored her concerns.
“That’s a good sign, right?” Veronica asked. “I mean, I know that Angela had said they would use proper clearance as a reason to keep you out but if he’s willing to give it to you, that has to mean something, right?”
“I think so,” Malcolm said.
“You worry too much, V,” Quinton chastised her. “I think we’ve spent enough time with these people to know that they aren’t a threat.”
Veronica let out a snort. “Speak for yourself. Harold still gives me an off feeling.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s just a natural part of his personality,” Quinton quipped as he patted her on the shoulder. “I’m going to go say goodbye to Janet and the kids.”
Quinton headed down the dock and Veronica turned to Malcolm. “You take care of all of them.”
“As long as you take care of all of them here,” he replied.
“Always,” she replied before hugging him. “Take care of yourself too.”
“You too,” he replied, hugging her back as best he could with his clipboard still in his hand.
She left him to do his final checks while she wandered through the gathered group as everyone wished those going out good luck. She noticed Mendez and Angela off to the side, the two of them speaking in low tones. She could see Angela’s worried expression even from this distance, Mendez obviously reassuring her as she stroked her blonde hair and then leaned in to kiss her passionately.
Veronica smiled at the sight. Good for them for finding happiness together. The fact that it meant there was nothing romantic between Mendez and Jackson was just icing on the cake.
Her smile faltered when she caught sight of Claudia and Trey, the two of them holding hands as they spoke to each other. It seemed like it happened in slow motion as Claudia rose up on her tiptoes and leaned into Trey, his head angling so they could kiss. It was innocent enough, a kiss shared between teenagers, but Veronica felt her heart bottom out as she immediately searched out Audrey in the group.
She was standing beside Jackson as he spoke to Craig and Nas, her eyes wide and her mouth opened in a small O as she stared at Claudia and Trey.
The poor girl. Veronica had known this moment was coming, noticing over the last week or so that Trey and Claudia would sneak off when they thought no one was paying attention. She had hoped that they would be able to keep it secret from Audrey for a little while longer, knowing that it would break the girl’s heart to find out her crush had a girlfriend.
Veronica moved quickly down the dock to Audrey, putting on a smile for the girl as she approached her.
“You okay, honey?” she asked in low tones so she wouldn’t be overheard by the others who were around.
Audrey’s gaze darted away from Trey and Claudia as they walked towards the end of the dock so Trey could board the boat.
“I’m fine,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest, her chin jutting out stubbornly.
She knew that forcing her to talk here and now was a bad move. The girl had already been in a mood after what happened at breakfast, there was no point in poking the hornet’s nest any further. She would give Audrey time to sulk and then later try to help nurse her through her heartbreak.
The last of the run crew boarded the boat, Craig at the helm and Malcolm at the prow, where he called out some final orders to Elaine.
“We’ll radio when we’re coming back so listen for us,” he yelled over the engine. “We’ll be back before sunset.”
They stood on the dock, waving as the boat headed out into open waters. The others on the boat waved back for a few moments before they turned around to face where they were going.
Veronica was suddenly overcome with emotion as she watched them sail away. It wasn’t the first time they’d sent a group off on a run but it was the first time they would be so far from home. They’d be somewhere that they couldn’t easily ride to their rescue. They were on their own out there and all they could do here was wait and pray they’d make it back alive.
She tried to push the thoughts away. Thinking in the negative was just asking for trouble. The run was going to go off without a hitch and everyone was going to be fine.
When the boat was nothing more than a dot in the distance, Elaine clapped her hands together to get everyone’s attention.
“Okay, just because the others have gone out that doesn’t mean today is different than any other day. We still have to get our chores done. Before you know it, they’ll be back.”
They started moving down the dock, Hannah jogging up ahead to join Ruthie and the twins, excitedly debating if any of the tiny green tomatoes that had sprouted on the plants had turned red yet. Audrey walked between Veronica and Jackson, her eyes on her feet and her shoulders sagging. Her sadness was palpable, so much so that even Jackson picked up on her mood.
“Hey, ya wanna come on watch with me?” Jackson asked her.
“No,” she replied, making a face.
“What’s goin’ on?”
Audrey avoided looking at him, keeping her eyes on the water. “Nothing.”
Jackson put a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, remember ya promised that if ya get pissed, yer supposed to come and yell at me? That’s the deal, ya gotta stick with it.”
“I’m not pissed,” Audrey said, shrugging his hand off and turning around. “I’m gonna go work in the garden.”
Audrey stalked ahead to join the others and Jackson watched her go, a confused look on his face. Veronica wondered if he’d ever be able to figure out the girl.
“I don’t get why she’s pissed now,” Jackson said. “Everybody saw Mendez lay one on Angela.”
“This isn’t about you or Mendez,” Veronica told him. “This is about Claudia kissing Trey.”
”Jesus Christ, how am I supposed to keep all these relationships straight? Need a fuckin’ flowchart.”
Veronica smiled at him. “It was bound to happen. The world fell apart and that’s scary. You reach out for what comfort you can find and most of the time, it’s in someone’s arms.”
He came to a stop and she looked back to find him staring at her with a curious look. “Ya want that too?”
She considered brushing him off, making some crack to make light of the situation but she wanted to tell him the truth. Not whisper a confession to him when he was sleeping or hinting at her feelings, hoping he would pick up on it.
Maybe it was finding out that there was nothing between him and Mendez or having her feelings laid out in front of everyone by Hannah but she suddenly knew it was time to be straight with him.
“Yes, I do. I’m strong but sometimes I just want to curl up in someone’s arms and have him hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. On the nights I can’t sleep I want to lose myself in a man’s body, forget about the shitty world out there when he’s inside me.”
She knew it probably wasn’t the right time but now that she was on a roll, she couldn’t stop herself.
“And I want him to be you,” she confessed. His eyes grew wide, his lips parting but she didn’t let him speak, needing to get it all out. “I’m tired of being scared to say what I feel. I know that things are complicated with the girls but I think we both love them enough that we could work through it.”
He reached up to rub the back of his neck as he nodded his head and she was filled with a sudden fear of what he was going to say.
“Maybe I should have picked a better time. You don’t need to say anything right now. I just needed to say it, which is probably selfish of me and I’m sorry for being selfish and at this point I’m just rambling so I’m going to try to stop.”
“Ain’t really sure what to say.”
She felt blood rush to her face, burning her cheeks. God, this had been stupid. With one stupid confession, she’d ruined everything between them
.
“It’s okay, really, don’t worry about it,” she said quickly. “We need to get on watch anyway.”
She turned to go to the boathouse but he grabbed her wrist to keep her from walking away. “I ain’t sayin’ no.”
She looked back at him, surprised to hear him say that. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and looked at her full on, his soft blue eyes meeting her own.
“This ain’t easy for me either. Not exactly that experienced with this kinda stuff, least when it comes to someone I care ‘bout,” he said, “And I do. Care ‘bout ya, I mean.”
She smiled, feeling a small flicker of hope inside her but the way his eyes turned sad made her stamp it out.
“But I don’t think ya know what yer gettin’ yerself into. I ain’t what ya’d call boyfriend material. I’m damaged goods and ya deserve better than that. If we were back in the old world, ya wouldn’t look at somebody like me twice.”
“Yes I would,” she said and he shook his head, making a derisive noise. “I would. If I knew you in the old world, I would. I see you, Jackson, the real you. When you look in the mirror, you see all your mistakes. You see an addict and a criminal, someone people look down on. When I look at you, I see a man who risked his life to save two little girls, who helped someone who put a gun to his head, who saved a man who called him scum. You’re a good man, Jackson, better than you think.”
She had believed the reason they had spent so long dancing around this was because neither one of them wanted to risk rejection but she saw that had only been her. Jackson had his own host of issues, ones that pretty words weren’t going to fix. He didn’t think he was good enough for someone to love because he didn’t love himself.
“I’m not pushing for anything from you, not unless you want it. I just needed to tell you how I felt.” She shook her head, suddenly filled with regrets. “Maybe we should just forget about all of this.”
He frowned and his grip on her wrist tightened. “I ain’t sayin’ no.”
She was shocked when he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, only the softest of touches, but it froze her in place. His breath hitched as he pulled back. “I ain’t sayin’ no but ya gotta give me time, okay?”
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