by Hailey Smoke
The funeral was organized impressively quickly. Probably helped by my grandfather throwing money around. The hall where it took place was filled with bunches of flowers.
I didn’t approach the casket when everyone else lined up. I didn’t care how it looked. The other guests could assume whatever they wanted. Because I didn’t, I never found out how she died. I don’t think I’ll ever ask. She ended it like she did everything: hoping to hurt me. But her death didn’t fill me with guilt. She failed.
My father and Carol were the only ones who said more than a passing “sorry for your loss”.
“How are you feeling?” My dad asked.
“I’m fine,” I said. “How about you?”
“I wish I had a straight answer too to tell you.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand how I feel.”
I saw Carol squeeze his hand. I knew my father would be fine.
My grandfather did not get within ten feet of me the entire service. Good.
The viewing was over. Next, they would be taking her casket to be buried on the family plot. On the car ride over to the graveyard, I noticed how quiet Lydia was being. On the way to the funeral she carried the conversations like she usually did, but now she was silent.
“Are you good?” I asked.
“Oh? What?” She seemed surprised.
“You’re spacing out almost as bad as me, and you’ve got a hand in your hair.” Once I pointed it out her hands went back to her lap.
“Yeah,” she said a little guiltily. “I didn’t think it would be a problem, but the last funeral I went to was similar. Lots of relatives I barely knew asking how I was. I was just thinking about it.”
I tried to get her to stay home for this specific reason. The last funeral she went to had to be when her parents had died. I knew firsthand how tricky memories could be, how they could hurt even years later.
“But I couldn’t say much to my relatives either,” she admitted, looking out the car window. “I was too young. I didn’t know my parents. I wonder what life would’ve been like if I had?” She turned back and frowned. “I’m being silly now. No use thinking about that. We’re here aren’t we?” She smiled slightly, brightening up considerably.
“We’re here.”
***
Mrs. Tupp sat back in her chair. “You are so strong Taylor.”
She interrupted my story. I wasn’t sure how to take the compliment.
“I mean it,” she told my shock. “You have grown so much. Do you remember our first session?”
I didn’t get embarrassed easily but thinking about that I did feel my cheeks grow hot. “Yes. I remember.”
“I called Mr. Tupp as soon as you stormed out to tell him I’d just had my shortest session ever.”
I was nervous. I had never told anyone what had happened to me before and I knew I would have to. Mrs. Tupp asked me how I felt and then I left the room. The session lasted a total of five minutes. I slowly eased into the idea of telling Mrs. Tupp what had happened. Five sessions in I told her everything. It was freeing, but it was only the first step.
“I bring it up, only because look at you now. I know I say it all the time, but I’m proud of you.”
“Yeah,” was all I could say in response. If I said anything else, I knew tears would fall.
“Sorry for interrupting, where were you?” She asked.
“We made it to the grave site. I didn’t go to the actual ceremony and the lowering into the ground or the covering with dirt. I waited in the car with Lydia until I thought most people would have left and then we walked together to her grave.”
***
We approached her grave with heavy footsteps. No one was left standing around, we were alone. There were several bunches of flowers surrounding the stone. The headstone was made of cool, black marble in the shape of a pillar. It towered over the other stones in the plot. The golden letters spelling ‘Hana Hirano’ and her birth and death date shone out from the darkness around them.
“Should I say something?” I asked Lydia but I knew there wasn’t a real answer she could give me.
“I’ll say something.” Lydia moved in front of me, like she was still shielding me from Hana. She took a deep breath. “I will not tell my child about you. You will hurt no one else.” She stepped back again and took my gloved hand in hers.
“I’m going to be the best father I can be,” I said to the stone. It felt ridiculous and maybe pointless. I didn’t think she could hear me. Besides, I had already told her how I felt to her face. This was more a promise to me. And it was a promise to Lydia and the life growing inside her as we stood there.
I thought for a moment longer but realized I had nothing more to say. “Let’s go.” I would never come back here.
As we drove home the clouds covering the December sky opened up and let down snow in huge, drifting flakes.
“It’s beautiful,” Lydia remarked dreamingly.
I watched the flakes flutter on our windshield and melt at the touch while others flitted into the corners and began to build up. I never appreciated stuff like this before. My thoughts were filled with snowman building and sledding. I wasn’t allowed to do things like that when I was a child. I had always watched the snow from the penthouse apartment’s huge windows, my nose pressed against the glass, wishing I could go play. Hana would yell at me for smudging up the windows.
I then thought about bundling my child up and making sure to carefully wrap a scarf around their neck. Then I’d take them outside and lift them up so they could taste the first of the snowfall on their tongue. I could hear Lydia laughing, a laugh of pure joy, behind us in this vision. I could barely wait.
***
“Taylor,” Mrs. Tupp began once I finished my story. “I think you’re ready to graduate.”
“I am?” I knew that it was coming, but I didn’t think it would be now.
“Your life gave you the ultimate test and you passed,” she explained. “We’ll still have to meet biannually to discuss your medication. But you don’t need to see me every week.”
“I’ll miss you,” I said seriously. Mrs. Tupp had cared for me back when no one did.
“Well now that you’re not my patient, you’ll have to come over for Sunday dinners,” Mrs. Tupp said with a wink.
“Lydia would love that. And so would I.” I felt a deep sense of accomplishment. Even becoming CEO did not compare to the feeling of graduating therapy.
I stood up and started heading out. “See you at the Christmas party,” I said.
“See you Taylor. Go and be happy,” she said. It was cheesy, but I had to leave quickly to wipe the growing tears in the corner of my eyes.
***
I got home and locked the door behind me and took off my shoes. Soon Lydia arrived, throwing her arms around me in a deep hug. I breathed her in, she always smelled a little like honey. She pressed her face to my chest.
“How was it?” She asked, looking up at me slightly.
“I graduated.” As soon as I said it her eyes went wide.
“Really?” She pulled away and spun me around, I let her because I felt the joy too.
“I’m done.” I confirmed.
She stopped spinning us. “How do you feel about it?”
“Happy.” It was the honest truth. “How’ve you been today?”
“I’ve been setting up decorations. But I’m glad you’re back to help me.” She frowned and patted her stomach. “I’m starting to get a little queasy.”
“That’ll be the pregnancy.” I smiled.
“So, I’m going to take a seat and watch your big strong arms hang up the wreaths,” she said playfully.
“Do you want me to do it shirtless?” I asked, teasing back.
“Don’t tempt me,” She got closer. She moved back and brightened up. “Come on, I’ll show you what I’ve done.”
She pulled me into the other room, and I followed behind with an easy smile on my face.
Two years ago, I wou
ldn’t have believed I would ever get to this point. I never thought I could finish therapy. I never thought I could stand up to Hana. I never thought I’d find someone who would love me after knowing how deeply I was hurt. I never thought I’d ever have a happy family.
“Your dad called,” Lydia said looking back at me. “He wants to know how much wine he should bring?”
“As much as he wants,” I said.
I also never thought my dad would ever be in my life again. It was because of Lydia. Lydia was the spark. She helped unbury all the feelings and desires inside of me. She heard my pain and instead of leaving or being disgusted, she helped me find solutions. I would never be able to fully repay her for what she’d done for me. I would just have to spend the rest of my life loving her.
Chapter 19: Lydia
When I first stepped into Taylor Hirano’s Victorian style manor, I noticed immediately how empty it was by the way my every footstep echoed around me. I wouldn’t have recognized the place back then if I walked into it now. The large windows each had a wreath hanging from it filling the air with the smell of pine that mixed deliciously with the smell of the gingerbread Taylor had spent the whole morning baking. I stole one off the still hot tray earlier and it tasted amazing. It was worth it, even though Taylor had playfully scolded me for having some before the party. I settled for tasting the gingerbread off of his mouth while he worked.
In the largest room, where we planned to hold most of the party, was what I was most proud of. In the center was the Christmas tree. I insisted on a real one. I hadn’t had a real Christmas tree since I was a kid, but it was tradition for the Maxwell’s. The tree Taylor and I picked out towered over the room. We had to use a ladder to spin the tinsel around it and get the star on top. The white string lights added a subtle glow to the whole tree. We didn’t have a lot of ornaments yet, but I hoped to collect more during the many Christmases to come.
As I did my last-minute check to make sure everything looked right, an instinct I’d gotten from countless fashion shows. I noticed the box Taylor had set under the tree yesterday. Both of our gifts for our friends we wrapped together but this one I had never seen before. It was addressed to me and I longed to open it up. My gift to Taylor was coming later that night, once everyone had gone home and the lights were low. I blushed at my thoughts. I had given him his real gift a few days earlier; it was another suit that he was wearing to the party that night. I couldn’t help but give it to him early.
My thoughts of what he got me disappeared once I heard the doorbell ring. I ran to the front door and opened it wide.
“Hello Lydia.” Taylor’s father, Lincoln, handed me a bottle of wine.
“You look beautiful,” Carol said, greeting me.
I was wearing a simple red, off the shoulder dress that hit just above my knees with matching red heels. It was easy and sexy, as Taylor had already told me.
“Thanks. And thanks for coming, you can set your gifts under the tree,” I said and led them to the room.
The next to arrive was Mrs. and Mr. Tupp. Mr. Tupp was wearing a Santa hat, which made him look even more like Santa than he already did. After dropping off their gifts, they immediately went to the kitchen with their casseroles to give Taylor a hand.
Next was Virgo and Michael.
“You better not be late for fashion week. Again,” I said, but smiled.
“We left with plenty of time to spare, I have no idea how I always end up late,” Michael complained.
“That reminds me of that time I was in the Amazon,” Virgo said seriously but didn’t elaborate further.
I let them inside, and they mingled with Lincoln and Carol, drinking the nice sparkling wine the two had brought.
Last to arrive was my aunt.
When I opened the door, I couldn’t help but rush forward into her arms. The hug was a little awkward because she had a present in her hands, but I couldn’t wait, I hadn’t seen her in so long.
“Merry Christmas sweetie,” she said and kissed both of my cheeks.
“Merry Christmas Aunt Renee,” I let out a visible breath in the cold air as we stood outside.
“Come on, you’ll freeze out here in that dress,” she said, and we went inside.
She seemed to get along well with everyone. I saw her talking the most to Lincoln and Carol, probably trying to get as much information about my husband as possible. I was so happy to see her, I probably would have run over and held her in my arms forever if she would let me.
When it came time for dinner, we were treated to a magnificent feast. Taylor had spent his free time planning it out. He had a notepad he jotted down recipes and cook times down and he placed sticky notes all over the kitchen in preparation. I helped where I could, but Taylor did most of the work. It made him happy. I loved seeing Taylor happy. It was certainly new to see the light in his eyes almost every day, but it was welcome. He bounced back from bad days much easier now. It maybe seemed obvious, but it made me truly happy that he was so happy.
After dinner, and after everyone piled up plates with all the treats and cookies Taylor had made. We went into the room with the tree and sat down ready to give out presents.
“You shouldn’t open mine until you tell everyone,” Virgo whispered to me as we got settled.
“Who should go first?” Mrs. Tupp asked, looking around.
“Actually.” I stood up. Everyone’s eyes were on me. “I have something to tell everyone.”
“What is it dear?” Aunt Renee had a knowing look in her eye.
“Everyone.” I paused to look at each of them. I remembered how deeply I cared about them and how much they cared back. “You are my family. You’ve all been there for me and Taylor, even during our darkest moments. And because of that I want you to know that the family is getting a new member.” I touched my stomach and smiled, some tears pricking my eyes. “I’m pregnant.”
The room went into an uproar. Everyone was talking all at once and giving me congratulations.
“Why aren’t you surprised?” Michael asked Virgo.
“I have a sixth sense.” Virgo shrugged.
“I knew too.” Aunt Renee said.
“How?” I asked. She didn’t look surprised either.
“You didn’t have a drop of wine during dinner sweetie,” she explained. “On Christmas? No way, you had to be pregnant.”
“Now that you mention it,” Carol spoke up.
“I’m happy for you two,” Lincoln said seriously. “Oh my god. I’m going to be a grandfather.” He seemed to realize in the moment.
“Yes dad,” Taylor said. “I’d love for you and Carol to be his grandparents. You’ll be great.”
Carol looked surprised but it soon settled into a happy look. She was already a big part of our family. I couldn’t wait to get to know her even more.
“And we are the godparents,” Virgo wrapped an arm around Michael and squeezed.
“We are?” He asked.
“Yeah. I called dibs.”
I laughed at the commotion and settled back down. “Now that I’ve interrupted everything. Let’s get to the presents.”
From Carol and Lincoln, we got some champagne.
“Sorry.” Lincoln looked apologetically at me.
“It’s fine.” I said, shaking my hands. “You didn’t know.”
“We’ll save it,” Taylor said. “We’ll use it to celebrate the birth.”
Aunt Renee’s gift was thin and rectangular. I opened it up carefully and revealed a picture frame with two sides. One was filled in already: it was a picture of my parents on their wedding day. I recognized the veil I had worn so many months ago.
“I want you to put a picture of the two of you on the other side,” Aunt Renee explained. “And you better send a copy of the photo for me too. I want to put it up on my wall.”
“We will. I promise,” I said, hugging the picture frame to my chest.
Mr. Tupp handed us a piece of paper, unwrapped. It was a very professional looking certif
icate that said: Congratulations on Graduating Couples’ Therapy. I couldn’t hold in my laugh at the gift, Taylor also smiled and shook Mr. Tupp’s hand.
Mrs. Tupp handed both of us a box wrapped simply with brown paper. We opened it up together and revealed a puzzle.
“That’s a milk puzzle.” She explained. All the pieces were white like the one I’d seen that time in her office.
“Wow.” I looked at the unhelpful picture on the front.
“I know it looks impossible,” Mrs. Tupp said. “But if you keep to it, and work together, it eventually will all fall into place.”
“Thanks, Elaine.” Taylor said with warmth in his voice.
“And if you ever need help with it you can always call me.”
Next Virgo and Michael gave me our gifts. Virgo gave me a bib with a little cartoon needle and thread and the words “sew cute”.
“O.K. you definitely told her, there’s no way you guessed,” Michael said as I revealed the gift.
Virgo only laughed in response.
Michael gave both of us a collection of spice mixes. “It’s so hard to gift shop for billionaires. But I hope you like them.”
“I’ll invite you both over and I’ll use them in a dish.” Taylor said eyeing the ingredient list. It was subdued, but I could tell he really loved the gift.
“What did you get for Taylor?” My aunt asked.
“Stand and twirl for me Taylor,” I said, and he did, showing off my work.
“You have a gift,” Aunt Renee said clapping. “And your design is pretty good too.”
A laughing fit went through the room.
All that was left was the box Taylor had gotten for me. He got up from our spot and brought it over to me. He didn’t say anything, just looked at me with an intensity in his gaze.
I slowly unwrapped the paper and revealed a ring box. I looked up at him. “Taylor.”
He took the box from me and got down on one knee in front of me. After a few gasps, the whole room went silent to watch.