by Flynn Eire
“How do you know it has anything to do with me? What has Wally said?”
“Nothing! Haven’t you been listening to me? Something happened two weeks ago, and he hasn’t said a goddamn word to anyone about it, keeping it all inside. We’re all clueless! He asked Alexander if he could switch camps. Sam said it wasn’t exhaustion it was something emotional but he was giving Wally a break because Wally admitted he got played and was a fool. That’s all we know. That and he’s so withdrawn and depressed we’re worried about him to the point we won’t let him engage in weapons training!”
“Has h-he hurt himself? You d-don’t think h-he’d hurt himself really?”
“Besides apparently trying to starve himself to death? Though I have a feeling that’s more he’s avoiding you in the cafeteria.” There was a long pause, and I finally found my feet moving closer, wondering if Roarke had stormed out or something. I actually didn’t feel bad about listening in because, like the last time I had, they were talking about me.
“How did you know it had something to do with me?” Roarke muttered after a while.
“Because you guys light up like fucking geysers of negative color when you lay eyes on each other. Besides that, both your auras changed about the same time. His is so full of shame and depression it’s practically suffocating me. He looks at you and it’s a mixture of hurt and anger and longing and love. Given his, I can take about five guesses to think of what happened, knowing how sweet and innocent Wally is. You though? You I don’t get. You’ve been acting like nothing’s wrong, but I see the truth, Roarke.”
“Right, I forgot you’ve got the aura gift.”
“Yeah, and a fun one it is,” Matteo bitched. “You were angry when you got here. Something had happened, that was obvious, angry and hurt. But then you were fucking light and happy. I thought you’d fallen in love. Then right about the same time Wally changes from the same love colors to down the toilet, so do you, except yours turns to grief. Why are you grieving, Roarke? You are so full of guilt and upset I can get if you fucked up, but why grief?”
“Because he won’t ever forgive me,” Roarke rasped. “He won’t. What he heard and how I handled it after—he just won’t, Matteo, and I can’t blame him.”
I didn’t even realize I was doing anything until I was already in the office, shoving him and the chair over. “Like you care, you bastard. I didn’t tell anyone so don’t go making it like you give a shit to Matteo now that he figured it out so I’m just the basket case post-trans who cracked at his first breakup that went bad. You don’t fucking care. I was nothing to you!”
I turned to Matteo as tears streamed down my cheeks, ignoring his mouth hanging open.
“We were screwing for weeks at night, all night, overnight, every night. I gave him my virginity, I fell in love with him. I thought he needed time to feel more comfortable here at a new camp with all the pressure to be open about us. No, I heard him on the phone laughing about me. Saying all this shit I can’t even—about me being nothing but easy obedient fucking—and he—he—” I started hyperventilating, just saying the words out loud to someone else causing me to spin out.
Spots formed in front of my eyes as I reached out and braced my hand on the wall. I slid down about to land hard on my knees when strong arms caught me.
“I didn’t mean it,” Roarke whispered as he buried his face in my neck, holding me to him. “I’m sorry. I was talking to my ex and I was saying stuff that I knew would make him jealous. Jesus, Wally, please, you gotta stop and just let me explain. Please, babe. I am not worth getting this upset over.”
I shoved away from him and sat back against the wall of Matteo’s office, staring at Roarke. “What?”
“Could you give us a moment?” Roarke asked Matteo, never taking his eyes off me.
“Yeah, sure.” He stepped over my legs, ruffling up my hair as he moved by us and closed the door on his way out.
“I do care, a lot,” Roarke whispered, rubbing his hands over his hair as he pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned against the desk. “I kept thinking you’d cool off some and then I’d get you to talk to me. But you just kept hiding and I heard people talking that something was going on with you. I kept coming to your room but then I’d hear you sleeping inside and I didn’t want to wake you.”
I wanted to believe him. God, did I ever, but he’d fooled me before. “I don’t trust a word that comes out of your mouth anymore.”
“That’s not fair. I never lied to you. I know I said it like shit in the gym, but that’s what I meant. We never made any promises or declared what we were. Let me explain what the conversation was you overheard and then maybe you’ll see I acted like a jerk but I’m not a liar.”
“Fine.” Mostly because I really just wanted to know the story now. Before I’d thought he was going to feed me lines and try to weasel out of something, but Matteo could read auras and know when people lied. He couldn’t do that with Matteo around and the vamp would already have busted Roarke if he had been bullshitting earlier.
“My ex is a warrior,” Roarke started off, holding eye contact with me as he spoke. “We were at the same camp together, the last one I just came from. We had worked together awhile before we ever hooked up, but warriors don’t really date. Where is there to even go? It’s not like this is a nine-to-five job or anything. So we didn’t make a big deal about it, announce it, or anything. We were together and we knew it. We were in the same group of friends, we were happy.
“I figured maybe one day when we’d served what we thought was a fair amount of time or whatever, we’d mate. Maybe mate and get one of those cushy jobs guarding the wealthier families or something.” He shrugged and cleared his throat. “We were together fifty years like that. Then he up and tells me he’s mated a councilman, but we can still keep having our fun on the side if I want. I tell him he can go fuck himself and have fun with his new life.”
“And then you left?” I asked when he stopped talking.
“No,” he chuckled bitterly, scratching his cheek. “No, I didn’t. Might have been the smart thing to do, but I was so fucking tired of changing camps and starting at the bottom. I figured, fuck him. He wasn’t going to run me off. I stuck it out for a year. That camp had those council headquarters right next door since they are overseas. So his new mate was always stopping in, dropping off presents, having lunch in the cafeteria with him. Eventually the councilman found out we used to be together.
“I was informed it made the councilman uncomfortable that I was still there at that camp and maybe it was best I transferred. I took some time off and traveled, all the while my ex saying he’d talk to his mate and calm him down, sort things out, and while he might be mated, things could go back to the way they were. He swore he loved me but he mated for money and the right name to match his own family name—bullshit like that. I didn’t want any part of it so I left.”
I searched his eyes, seeing nothing but pain and regret. “So that’s who you were talking to?”
“Yeah. He called me out of the blue and I couldn’t get over it. He actually thought I’d be miserable here without him like I couldn’t handle being away from him. I hadn’t been with him for over a year and a half by then. Who did he think he was? So I ran my mouth off. It had nothing to do with you or what was really going on with us, Wally. That’s not how I felt about what was between us. I’m sorry you heard it and it was a shitty thing to do on my part but I was pissed and I just wanted to get back at him for like two seconds.”
“So I wasn’t just obedient, begging sex you got whenever?”
He winced at my words and shook his head. “No, Wally. You know there was something more between us. Like you said. We talked about our days. I checked in on you. You had my back. We were more than sex.”
I pushed up onto my feet, bracing against the wall to keep my balance as I did. “I can see that.”
“You can?” Roarke asked hopefully as he jumped up.
“Yeah. I’ve never had an ex-boyfrie
nd or whatever, but fifty years is a long time and that was a big betrayal on his part.”
“So we’re okay?” he hedged, moving closer.
“Oh fuck no,” I snickered, shaking my head as I held out my hand to ward him off. His eyes went wide, and he did a great impression of a fish, probably trying to ask why, so I answered him anyways. “He didn’t tell anyone you guys were an item not to make a big deal of it because he was always searching for the right fish to land like he did in the end. And look how badly that hurt you in the end, Roarke? So you turn around and do the same thing to the person you’re with next.
“Except hell, I wasn’t even your friend publicly. You sat with your friends, I sat with mine. I was a stranger to you in the eyes of everyone else, your dirty little secret you had come to your room at night. He played you in the end, but you just treated me like I was the one you were using while waiting for something better to come along and that’s really no better. Even I know that makes me the rebound.”
“No, that’s not—” he defended but I kept talking.
“And when this all blew up, you didn’t care about me or how badly this hurt. It was all about you and my broken heart wasn’t your problem and you weren’t going to get transferred because I was the idiot who gave my virginity to someone like you.”
“I was an asshole for saying that,” Roarke admitted, taking a step closer but freezing when I moved towards the door and away from him. “Wally, I’m sorry. I panicked. The idea of having to start over again, or worse, having to be at a camp again where everyone knew I was the fool they all talked about just made the floor feel like it was falling out from under me. Of course I cared how upset you were. That’s why I kept coming to talk to you.”
“But you didn’t.”
“You were sleeping.”
“You keep telling yourself that,” I chuckled bitterly, taking another step towards the door. “If I’d hurt you and had wanted to make things right, a thousand people sleeping couldn’t have stopped me, Roarke. Thanks for explaining I wasn’t as big of an idiot as I thought, but I was still a fool to have trusted you or stayed as long as I did. You might have liked me, liked me in your bed mostly, but I wasn’t anything more than that to you.”
“Wally, wait,” he begged as I opened the door and walked out. I flinched when I saw Matteo leaning against the other wall about ten feet down.
“Give me a day to get my shit together, and I’ll get back on track. I’m assuming you called me here so I could listen to all of that and not to throw me out?”
“No, you’re too good of a trainee to kick out for a couple of weeks of falling off the path,” he muttered, eyeing me curiously. “But you need to talk to someone about all of this, Wally. The first heartbreak is the worst, and I think you can now see how trying to handle it alone can just about destroy your whole life.”
I thought about that a moment and nodded. “You don’t keep things from your mate so I’ll talk to Nate if he’s cool with that but I’d like to keep it between us. It’s not only Roarke who wants to stay out of the gossip on this.”
“I’m sure Nate will lend an ear. He’s been freaking out about what’s been wrong with you. All the post-trans have been. You don’t have to tell them the whole thing or specifics, but they’re your friends, Wally. You can simply tell them you hooked up with an asshole and he broke your heart. They’ll respect it enough to leave it alone and just be there for you.”
I glanced over my shoulder to see Roarke standing in the doorway of Matteo’s office, not happy at being called an asshole. Then I focused on Matteo again. “Even Lance?”
“No, not Lance,” Matteo snickered. “Knowing him he’d tell everyone to do you a solid and make sure Roarke never gets laid again or do his best to try and get you right back on the saddle. He’s got good intentions but his execution is lacking still. Comes from being highborn without much common sense.”
“Yeah, I’ll think about it. Keeping it all in ate at me. I simply didn’t want to admit something so humiliating.”
“See, but that’s the thing. Real friends would have talked you out of the fact that it was your fault or convinced you that Roarke’s the one with issues so you didn’t take it all on yourself.”
I blinked at him for several moments. I had never, not ever, considered that. I saw empathy in Matteo’s eyes as he nodded. He’d probably guessed that. “Um, yeah, so if Nate’s got time, I’ll just be hanging in my room trying to process all of this.”
“I’ll let him know.” Matteo gave me a one-armed hug and it was damn good not to feel so alone in this for even only a moment. Like I could see the surface through all the pain. I let him go and walked away, ignoring Matteo and Roarke arguing behind me. I’d had my fill of revelations and information and just drama for the day. I couldn’t deal with any more.
When I got to my room, Nate was sitting there, waiting. “Wow, that was fast.”
“Matteo told me he had something planned that might help or not so I was actually waiting here when he called to say you might be finally willing to talk,” he admitted as he got to his feet. He held up two large bottles. “I brought booze.”
“It’s like ten in the morning, Nate.”
“There’s a song that addresses that, Wally,” he huffed, rolling his eyes. “It’s five o’clock somewhere, man. Alan Jackson. Look it up.”
I opened the door with my keys and glanced at the bottles. I hadn’t tried getting drunk, mostly because I didn’t have the hookups like Nate to get the stuff. “Okay, getting drunk it is.” I waved him in and grabbed some plastic glasses. We sat on my bed and it took me a few shots to start talking, but after five or six, I was spilling my guts about all of it.
Okay, I skimmed over most of the sex, except how I missed it and Roarke, but yeah, I wasn’t that detailed. Besides maybe going into way too much detail about how huge and hot he was. And huge, mostly huge.
By the time I was done, I mainly just missed him. “Did I make a mistake? He was apologizing. Maybe I should have made him grovel and taken him back with new rules. I love him.”
“Wally, I didn’t catch a word of that,” Nate hedged.
“Why not?” I held up the bottle to my lips, not getting anything. Then I tipped my head back, trying even harder for more booze… Only to go tumbling off the bed.
“Oh shit. You be hammered, boy,” Nate chuckled, suddenly in front of me. “Good thing it’s lunch time. Let’s get some food in you.”
“Noooooo, he goes to the cafeteria. That’s why I don’t go anymore.”
Nate’s eyes went wide—all three of him did actually. “Wally, when was the last time you ate?”
“I dunno. A couple of days ago?”
“Oh shit. Great. I come to comfort and help you and I’m gonna kill you with alcohol poisoning.” He had me up on my feet, arm under my shoulders. “I promise you won’t see him there. You’re too drunk to notice anyways.”
“Good point.” I heard him grab my keys from my desk and then we were out the door.
“Besides, you can’t keep not eating because you might see him, okay? We’ll build like a Wally barrier around you and use our cool post-trans powers to protect you from his evilness.”
“You always sit with your mate and his cool warrior friends,” I slurred.
“Yeah, didn’t catch that either.” He made me move faster, and the next thing I knew, we were at the cafeteria.
“What the hell, Nate?” Matteo grumbled, suddenly in front of me. “I said talk with him. Not get him shit-faced.”
“Hey, boss!” I exclaimed, hugging him.
“Hey, Wally,” he chuckled. “How much have you had to drink?”
“I dunno. I drank every time it hurt. It hurt a lot.”
“I’ll bet it did, buddy.”
“I didn’t know he hadn’t eaten in days or that it was like his first time really drinking,” Nate defended. “He drank that whole bottle of Jack you had in our closet.”
“Oh hell,” Matteo grumbled
. “Okay, Wally, we’re going to sit you down here and you’re going to just wait for us while we get you something to soak up the fourteen tons of booze my mate fed you.”
“Pizza,” I whimpered, making kissy faces at Nate.
“Pizza it is,” he chuckled. Matteo sat me in a chair and then was gone too.
Except I started to slide out of the chair when the ground began moving on me.
“I got you,” someone whispered as strong arms caught me. I snuggled up against them, knowing their scent all too well.
“How can I hate you and love you at the same time?” I choked out as tears burned my eyes.
“Because I hurt you,” Roarke mumbled as he got me on the seat again.
“Go away,” I begged, hating that I was begging him for anything.
“Why are you here alone in this condition? Why are you in this condition?”
“Nate got me drunk so I’d talk. They went to get me pizza,” I answered, apparently not able to shut it when I was drunk.
“God, you are adorable like this,” he admitted as he sat down beside me. His one hand was holding my hips into the chair but his other moved to push my hair off my forehead. “Just when I didn’t think you could get any sexier.”
“Did I pass out?” I blurted, glancing around the cafeteria. “There are people around. Someone could see you actually talking to me, Roarke.”
“Let them,” he growled. He leaned in and kissed me. At first I tried to push him away, my drunken efforts not doing much of anything. Then it just felt so good and I kissed him back.
But then the world really spun out and I turned my head away. “Stop, please. It’s too much.”
“Roarke, leave him alone,” Matteo demanded. Roarke was yanked away from me, and I saw Helios holding him back.
“You gotta eat, Wally,” Nate insisted, taking the chair Roarke had been in. “I let you drink too much. If it all kicks in, you could get alcohol poisoning.”