“Do you have any idea where I’ve been for weeks?” My calm voice appeared to surprise him into sudden silence. “You don’t have a clue. And you know why?” I inched closer to him. “Because you weren’t concerned about it. Not once did you worry about how I’d eat, what I was doing, or how I handled the situation.” One step closer and I noticed his fists clenched at his sides. “But since you missed it, I’ll tell you exactly where I’ve been.” I could smell the coffee on his breath as he huffed. “Every day I’ve sat on a bench in the parking lot, waiting for you to go home. Then I sat next to Sarah’s bed, holding her hand until the nurses made me leave.” I poked him in the chest. “Every. Dang. Day. So, while you thought I was out whoring around or had my legs spread for any man willing to take a stab at me simply because I wasn’t at the house when you got here, doesn’t make it true. I sat at my sister’s side begging her not to die.”
“You’ve done enough damage. You need to stay away from Sarah.” A switch flipped. The emotion drained from his weathered skin. “You’re poison, Miranda.” He dropped his head. “Any chance Sarah had at a normal and happy life was lost the day she ran after you.” He’d hardened his heart. In trying to protect Sarah, he’d turned his back on me.
“I didn’t make Sarah get in that car and chase me, Daddy. She did that all on her own. And I wasn’t the one driving that semi.” I softened my tone in hopes of reaching the part of my father that had always doted on me despite my mistakes. “Yes, I screwed up. And I will pay for that for the rest of my life, but—”
He laughed, yet he still didn’t lift his head. “You don’t get it. This ain’t ’bout you, Miranda. Sarah will never walk again. She’s an invalid in a ranchin’ town. What kinda life she gonna have? No man’s gonna take a wife who can’t help out or give him young’uns.” Daddy finally met my gaze. “That is on you.”
I had carried that guilt with me every day, and I would for eternity. But it didn’t matter in Daddy’s eyes that I hadn’t been driving that truck or that I hadn’t pushed Sarah into the car and forced her to race down the street. His mind had been made up before he ever set foot in the house. None of that had anything to do with Austin; he’d just been at the wrong place at the wrong time.
“What do you want me to do?” My voice cracked, even though it was nothing more than a whisper.
He reached into his back pocket and produced his wallet. I tracked his fingers when he pulled every bill from inside and then shoved them at me. “You love Sarah?”
“Of course, I do.” Just because we fought didn’t mean she wasn’t family.
My dad’s hand shook in front of me. “What about Austin? You love him?”
I nodded when words failed.
“Do them both a favor.” His pitch didn’t rise or fall. His hand continued to tremble while his voice stayed strong. “Give them a chance at happiness.”
“I-I don’t understand.”
“Long as you’re around, neither one’s got a fightin’ chance.” He couldn’t be saying what I thought I heard. His eyes went soft, but it only took a second to realize it wasn’t for me. “The sun rises and sets in you for that boy. He ain’t never gonna look twice at another girl long as you’re ’round. Austin’s got big shoes to fill, and you ain’t doin’ nothin’ but holdin’ him back. He needs a good woman…”
I stared at my father. “A woman like Sarah?”
“There’s nothing about cattle ranches you like. Think about it, Miranda. You gonna make him choose between you and the life he was born into? Lord knows you wouldn’t make it a day as a rancher’s wife. Where does that leave him?” To add insult to injury, he lobbed another grenade. “His parents don’t want him to see you anymore.”
My jaw hurt from grinding my teeth, and my head began to throb with the intensity of all that had taken place—or maybe it was the slap to the face. “And Sarah?” I pried.
“She don’t want you around.” He couldn’t even look me in the eye when he said it. “And right now, I gotta do what’s best for her recovery.”
My mind swam with all he’d said, but it locked on my sister. “She told you that?”
His head bobbed, and he dropped his hand from in front of me, still holding the wad of cash. “She’s got every right to be angry.”
“Did she tell you she doesn’t want me here?”
He ignored my question. “You’d be mad, too.”
Maybe I needed to be clearer. “Did. She. Tell. You. That?”
He puffed his cheeks out, took a deep breath, and then blew it all out through his mouth. “She did.”
“And you think I should go?” I could barely muster the words, much less the idea.
My dad leaned toward the dresser he’d cleared in his rage and set down the money he’d held in his hand. “There’s a couple hundred dollars there.”
He was a coward. The man had burst in here with an agenda, sent Austin away, and then pounced on me when I was vulnerable. I hadn’t seen it coming, and I didn’t have a clue what to do with it. But by God, if he wanted me to leave his house, he was going to have to tell me to do so. “Is that for a trip? Or a new life?”
“Whichever you decide to make it…as long as it doesn’t bring you back to Mason Belle.”
I stared at the bills he’d offered. I didn’t even have a car or a job. That wouldn’t get me anywhere. Questions dangled from the tip of my tongue, but my mind had shut down. I could see; I just no longer felt—I stood there, empty.
“There’s a couple suitcases in the hall closet.” His voice gathered my attention, but I found myself staring at his back. He didn’t have the guts to face me. “I’ll take you to Laredo when you’re ready.”
I listened for him to start down the stairs, and once I was certain he wasn’t coming back, I sat on my mattress. The destruction around me represented everything I’d done to the people I loved. I didn’t know if Mama had left because of me; although, I didn’t find it hard to believe. It had never been a secret that I was a “surprise,” I just never realized that might have been a codeword for an accident.
I bent over and picked up the frame that had broken in the storm. My finger started to bleed when I moved the shards of glass from Austin’s face. The shot had been taken at his parents’ Christmas party. His arms were wound around my waist, and his chin rested on my shoulder. It was my favorite image of the two of us. My dad was right. I was it for Austin Burin; he was it for me. And it might as well have been written on a banner in front of us; it was that obvious.
I pulled the paper from the back. The glass had scratched the image, but I still loved it. And after today, it would be the only thing I had to cling to. Maybe his parents knew better than we did. They lived the ranching life, and I hated it. I loved the land, but I wasn’t cut out for the work. I’d never be in the kitchen before the rooster crowed, making meals for ranch hands. If I could have gotten out of it, I wouldn’t have done any of the chores Daddy deemed my responsibility.
Austin and his brother would inherit their parents’ farm. And while I’d always seen myself married to Austin and believed that, one day, my last name would be Burin, my vision never involved cattle ranching. Austin would tear himself in two trying to make me happy and please his parents, and that wasn’t fair to anyone involved.
Between him and Sarah, I loved them both enough to go. It terrified me to think of braving the world alone. The two of them hating me scared me even more, and in the end, that was exactly what would happen if I stayed. Sarah wanted me gone, and Austin needed me gone.
I set the picture on the bed, gathered my clothes and stuff from the bathroom, and retrieved the suitcases from the hall. Daddy had managed to destroy any memento that I might have wanted to pack. There wasn’t much left. I put the picture on top of my clothes and closed the lid. I stared at the blue plastic, wondering how my life had come to this when only a handful of weeks ago, I’d been on top of the world after graduation. The crack in the cheap case ran right up the middle. One hard whack and the p
lastic would split in two, just like me.
When I pulled it off the mattress, I noticed Austin’s hat on the floor in the rubble. I picked it up and held it close to my nose. I’d miss that smell—him. I should have left it. Instead, I pulled my long hair through the hole in the back and put it on my head, bringing the bill low to shield my face. I stuffed my bank book and wallet into a purse. The money still sat where Daddy left it when I exited my bedroom.
My dad waited by the door with his keys in hand. He didn’t look at me or offer to take the luggage. He simply walked out of the house and assumed I’d follow. I kept thinking he’d come to his senses, that he’d realize he had two children and kicking one out wouldn’t fix the other. But he didn’t say a word. I didn’t know where he planned to drop me off or how he could just dump me in another city like a stray dog. Maybe the only way he could go through with it was to pretend I didn’t exist.
An hour later, he stopped in front of the bus station in Laredo. There, at the curb, I wrapped my fingers around the handle and took one final look at the man who’d given me life, and now so cruelly took it away. “Daddy?” It was as much a prayer for forgiveness as it was his name.
His jaw ticced, and he held his stare out the windshield. I bit my bottom lip and nodded. No sooner had I closed the truck door than he pulled off. I stood there long after he had disappeared. My father had dumped me on a street corner and driven away.
Sweat trickled down my spine, and the humidity made it hard to breathe. I refused to admit that my lungs not working properly might have to do with the crushing blow I’d just been dealt. I didn’t have a cell phone, but even if I had, I didn’t know anyone who didn’t live in Mason Belle.
There were no lifelines. No mulligans. No do-overs.
* * *
I’d picked a location as far away from Texas as I could get, and one that I thought would be the opposite from anything I’d ever known. Ultimately, I had narrowed it down to Los Angeles or New York City. In the end, I picked the one that took the longest to reach. It gave me more time to figure out a plan and more days on a bus, which saved money on hotels.
By the time I got into my seat, the day had exhausted me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I slept through the night and woke to a guy leaned on my shoulder, drooling. My effort to get him off gently proved fruitless, and I finally shook his arm. He woke slowly and, eventually, wiped the saliva from his mouth.
I offered him a polite smile, even though we hadn’t exchanged any words. It was too much to ask to have an empty seat next to me. There was still hope that he wouldn’t travel all the way to New York, though.
He extended his hand—the one he’d used to clean his lips—for me to shake. “I’m Garrett.”
To avoid touching his germy palm, I tried to fidget with my hair. “Miranda. Nice to meet you.” I still had on Austin’s hat. I pulled it from my head, set it in my lap, and then took the tie out of my ponytail.
Garrett’s eyes went wide. “You okay?” There was a lot of concern marring his green irises and perfect nose for someone who’d just met me.
Working my hair into a knot on top of my head, I secured the elastic to hold it in place and dropped my hands to the hat. “Yes. Are you?” My thumb would go numb if I didn’t stop rubbing it in circles on the rough material.
“That’s quite the shiner you got there.” He pointed to my cheek, and then he glanced at my arm.
I followed him until I saw what he gaped at. My bicep was clearly marked with purple fingerprints and what looked like rope burn. I couldn’t imagine what my face must look like. I swallowed and covered the tender skin under my eye with my hand. All the while, Garrett continued to study me. I couldn’t figure out if he believed I was a criminal or a flight risk. Although, I had no idea where he thought I’d escape to. I certainly couldn’t get far on a bus, and hiding in the bathroom held little appeal.
Garrett reached toward my cheek, and when I flinched, he slowed his approach and purposefully kept his eyes on mine. Every instinct told me to bat him away. But not doing what I should was what had landed me on this bus, and I apparently had yet to learn that lesson. I searched his face for any indication that he might hurt me and found none. I lowered my hand, and he used the back of his fingers to softly caress what I had to assume was a large bruise that started above my eye socket and ran well beneath my cheekbone.
It was still early, and dawn had barely begun to break. The bus remained quiet with most of the passengers still asleep. I wanted to scream to bust up the silence. I needed noise, but my entire world had gone quiet with one argument. It wasn’t possible to be more alone than I was at the moment, and it ate at me like a leech the longer Garrett observed me.
“Do you need help?” he whispered.
I appreciated the discretion. I shook my head, and he dropped his hand. I’d never been shy, yet suddenly, vulnerability snapped my mouth shut. I couldn’t do anything other than wait for him to speak.
He angled his body toward me and leaned into the seat. I mirrored his movement as though we were close friends about to share secrets. “Are you going all the way to New York?”
I’d never done this. New people didn’t come to Mason Belle, and I had never left. But Garrett forced out the silence that ate at me, so I went with it. “Yes. You?” For someone who never shut up, I wasn’t much of a conversationalist this early.
“Yeah. I go to school in the city. NYU.”
I could tell by the way he said it that I should know what NYU stood for and maybe even be impressed by his attendance. “What are you studying?” I assumed it was a safe question since it was a college.
“Law.” Even I picked up on the displeasure in that response.
“Do you not like it?”
He shrugged against the seat. “I like the people and the city. I’m just not all that interested in the law program.”
I didn’t know anyone who’d gone to college or even planned to go. There were plenty of kids in Mason Belle smart enough; it just wasn’t in our cards. Life in Southern Texas included cows and horses, not fancy universities and degrees. The closest we got to college was football on TV. “So why not do something else?”
“My parents don’t think acting is a career.”
I didn’t follow, and I couldn’t respond without admitting that.
Thankfully, he changed the subject. “What’s waiting for you in the Big Apple? School? Modeling? Boyfriend?”
The last one stung more than the others. “Nothing. I don’t know a soul there.”
He chuckled. “Did you throw a dart at a map and decide to get on a bus?” He must have assumed my departure was related to the marks on my body. “Shit. I’m sorry. That was insensitive as hell.”
“It’s okay. It wasn’t a planned move,” I admitted.
He leaned forward and pulled a backpack from under the seat in front of him. I couldn’t see what he was doing, but when he offered me a banana, I took it. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten, and my stomach growled at the sight of the bright-yellow peel.
“Thank you,” I said as I pulled down the side.
He ate half of his piece of fruit in one bite, while I nibbled on mine. “Do you have a place to stay, a job, anything?”
It probably wasn’t smart to admit. “No.” For all I knew, he might be a serial killer, and I’d given him the go-ahead to maim me since no one would be waiting for me to arrive. I shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.”
Garrett’s green eyes lit up. “I’ve got a buddy who needs a roommate. If you’re interested, I could call him.” He burst into unexplainable laughter and woke up everyone I could see from my spot by the window. “He’s a good guy. I go to school with him.”
“Why don’t you live with him then?” My voice carried farther than intended, and a cranky man across the aisle shushed us both.
“I live on campus. He has an apartment. Eason’s a class act. What do you say?”
I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know the
man making the proposition, much less the one he talked about. Living with a guy didn’t hold a lot of appeal, yet neither did living on the street. I had some money my grandma had left me when she passed away, but I’d blow through it in no time if I weren’t careful.
Garrett wasn’t giving up on the idea. “He doesn’t live far from the bus station. We can walk down there. I’ll introduce you, and you can check the place out. If you’re not interested, no hard feelings.”
I nodded quickly before I chickened out. “Okay. That sounds fair.”
Over the next forty-eight hours, Garrett told me every story he could recall where Eason McNabb made an appearance. By the time we had reached New York, I felt like I’d been friends with the guy—Eason, not Garrett—most of my life. So, when we got off the bus, I stopped in the restroom to freshen up as best I could. The bruises on my cheek had a halo of yellow around the blue and purple, but the swelling had subsided. I braided my hair down both sides and put Austin’s Longhorns ballcap on. Ready or not, things were about to get real.
Garrett made good on his promise. We didn’t walk. Instead, he hailed a taxi in the downpour that greeted us in the city. It might have only been a couple of blocks, although it seemed more like a few miles based on how long we sat in the back seat of the cab. I couldn’t see anything we passed through the rain, and when we got out, Garrett tossed cash at the driver, and we raced to the entrance. We could be in New Jersey for all I knew.
Wide-eyed, I trailed behind Garrett. He stopped in front of a door and knocked. A deep yet mellow, masculine voice called out from the other side. My stomach flip-flopped in my belly while we waited for Eason to answer. It might have been nerves or possibly fear. All I could say for certain was that my breath caught when he appeared.
Gravel Road Page 25