by steve higgs
Damned right I was.
Outside Dartford Police Station. Tuesday, 12th October 0647hrs
My one phone call had been to Amanda. She had listened to my requests then promised to make the necessary calls to get my family and friends released and the situation cleared up. I thanked her for doing what she could to get my parents out swiftly.
Amanda knew many of the police at the Dartford Station, so would be putting in some calls and driving up to Dartford herself to grease the wheels.
Being led back to the cells, I passed Big Ben and told him Amanda was on her way. His response had been, ‘Boobs mate, they work like Mastercard: Everywhere and all the time. She will have us out in no time.'
No time turned out to be ten hours. I could not tell if that was swift or not, but we were released without charge in the end at 0647hrs. It had taken the intervention of Mrs. Barker to finally convince whomever it was making the decisions that they had nothing to hold us for. Mrs. Barker had stated that she had no intention of pursuing any charges and had claimed that we were on the site legitimately. I would thank her for that later when I called to apologise for the embarrassment. What I could not fathom was why Brett Barker had not overruled her or given his opinion. He had taken me off the playing board with a very effective move, but was now letting me go?
As I came out of the Station, everyone was there waiting for me. I felt utterly miserable and embarrassed. Ashamed maybe. My mum was there, she had spent the night in a police cell, something I am sure she never envisaged happening at any point in her life. I didn't know what to say to any of them, but how to begin to make this up to my mother was beyond my comprehension at this point.
There were a few steps down to the street level where my friends and parents had gathered. I descended them and my mother stepped forward to meet me. I wondered if she was going to slap my face and berate me. I steeled myself for the blow which I knew would sting my conscience more than my skin, but it did not come.
Instead, my mother hugged me. ‘That was different.' she said smiling. ‘Wait until I tell the ladies at the church.'
‘You are not upset?’ I asked confused.
‘Well, I was a bit last night. It was a bit of a shock, but now I have so much to tell everyone. Real action and adventure. Breaking and entering, chasing ghosts, getting arrested. I can write to all my pen pals. Usually, I tell them rubbish about how the garden is doing and I have my rotten cousin Kathlyn in Australia who always has something interesting to brag about. Let her see if she can top this!' Mum seemed positively reinvigorated by the drama of the last few hours.
‘Come on, Michael.’ she said grabbing my dad’s hand gleefully. ‘Get me home. I have a task for you.’ I did not wish to think too hard about what that task might be. She pulled him across the road towards the train station where she probably intended to get a cab back to where we had all left our cars. Dad had glanced in my direction as his arm was being yanked, he sort of shrugged and grinned and then was gone.
I looked at the rest of the group. Frank and Poison, Jagjit, Hilary, Big Ben and Basic. They mostly looked tired. We were all still wearing our clothes from last night, we had been fed, but it was not food that one would willingly eat unless hungry, so at the top of my to-do list, other than find Brett Barker and shove a bowling ball up his arse, was to get a shower and try to remove the scuzzy feeling. I expected that the others felt the same.
‘Chaps we got royally screwed last night. You probably gathered that we walked into a trap. The chap we were looking for was there only to draw us in.’
‘What about the figure Poison and I were following?’ Jagjit asked.
‘Yeah, there is something that does not add up, Tempest.’ Big Ben chipped in. ‘The person I followed into the Mill was over six feet tall. Owen is several inches shorter.’
‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘It was dark inside the Mill; he could have been standing on something. How certain are you that it was not Owen Larkin?’
‘The figure we were following was also over six feet tall and was wearing a black cloak. I don’t know where that person went, but I could smell them.’ Poison answered. ‘They went inside the main office building and the only person we found in there was the girl upstairs working late.’
‘Yeah, I covered the exits while Poison searched, so unless they went out a window they never left, and we didn’t find them.’ said Jagjit.
‘You didn't find them because they were never there.' Frank said. ‘We were chasing a phantasm. Probably a dangerous one which can take physical form at will. It attacked Big Ben and led Poison and Jagjit away. It can manifest in multiple locations at once. If I had thought to bring the right equipment with me, I could have recorded the levels of psychokinetic energy and maybe photographed its ethereal image to separate the physical form from the spirit inside.' He paused to make sure we were all taking in how serious the situation had been. ‘The appearance of Owen Larkin at the same time is nothing more than coincidence. We would most likely have seen and followed the phantasm no matter when we went to the Mill.'
Just then Amanda pulled up. She parked on the double yellow lines in front of the Station. I suspected that not even police officers are allowed to do that. She got out of the car. Her face was displaying an overabundance of displeasure. It was not a look I liked on her. I had never seen her upset before. She was still completely gorgeous, just in an angry, I’m going to kick someone in the nuts kind of way.
‘Good morning, Amanda.’ I ventured. I received a scowl in return.
‘I believe my ride is here.' I said to the group. ‘I'm sorry about the night in the cells. Sorry to you Frank because your shop is closed, and you should be there and not here. Sorry to you Hilary because I know you are going to catch hell from your wife. She hates me anyway, so you can just blame me.' He just shrugged. ‘Basic, please say sorry to you mum from me. I know she looks to you for help around the house.'
They all told me that it was not my fault, even though we all knew it was. They were a good bunch.
‘I cannot park here for long, Tempest.’ Amanda said over the others. ‘Someone will come out and move me along.’
‘Chaps get a taxi back to your cars and send me the bill. Okay?’
They nodded, and I opened the door to Amanda's car. Big Ben dived past me and into the back seat. ‘There are five of them, so they can fit into one cab.' he said by way of explanation.
I then had to wait on the pavement while Big Ben attempted to fold himself into the back of Amanda's Mini Cooper. It was not designed for a man with a six-foot seven-inch-tall, two hundred and fifty-pound frame. He tried several positions but, in the end, gave up and laid sideways across the seats with a seat belt looped around his waist.
I got in. Amanda got in and we pulled into traffic just as an angry looking desk sergeant was coming down the steps towards us.
‘I'm ready for it.' I said as we set off. I was due a large helping of I told you so. I figured I might as well get it over with.
‘I’m ready for it too?’ Big Ben chipped in from the back seat sounding hopeful.
‘Ready for what?’ Amanda asked me. ‘Ready for me to berate you for doing something you should not have? What would that achieve?’
‘Okay. Then…’
‘But you should have damned well listened to me, you idiot.’
‘Yeah.’ said Big Ben helpfully.
‘You think Brett walked you into a trap, but you have no evidence to support that.’
‘But…’
‘Everything you told me is circumstantial. Owen has been given his old job back - that proves nothing. Owen and Brett were discussing sabotaging the Mill - only you heard it and they can deny it easily. The facts are that you led a group onto private property without permission to be there. Used a stolen code to gain access, then terrorised a member of staff who was working late.'
She took a breath so that I could respond. I opened my mouth, but she cut me off.
‘You would not believ
e the strings I had to pull to get you out in such a short span of time. Honestly, if Mrs. Barker had not lied and stated that you were there on her behalf, I doubt I would have got you out at all. Why did you not call her like you said you would?'
She paused again. I checked to see if she was going to start speaking once more. Decided she was going to let me speak and attempted to answer her most recent question.
‘I…’
‘Of course, this all ignores that fact that I have already quit my job and now work for you. When you embarrass yourself like this, you embarrass me as well.’
‘Yeah.’ said Big Ben in the back again. I could hear him grinning at my expense.
Amanda cut her eyes to her rear-view mirror, ‘And you can shut up. You big stupid lump of meat. You are not without blame here.’
‘If I may?’ I interjected quickly. ‘You are drifting.’ With Amanda staring at Big Ben she was no longer paying attention and we were in traffic. Her car was at the edge of its lane and about to enter the one next to it. A horn blared.
‘Damn it!' she swore, yanking the wheel to bring the car back to where it should be. ‘Sorry.' She mumbled quietly, acknowledging her driving rather than apologising for berating me. ‘Ben, can you shift to the side? You are blocking my view.'
‘Babe, I am the view.’
‘I'm sorry too.' I replied to Amanda, ignoring Big Ben's enormous ego. ‘I genuinely forgot to call Mrs. Barker last night. I was too swept up by the excitement of the case. I am sorry that this might reflect badly on you.'
‘You make a habit of getting arrested.’ she said. I could see though that the suppressed anger had been vented. She was calm again.
‘I do.' I admitted. ‘Honestly, I am not sure how I achieve it. Does it work in my favour that I have never been charged?'
‘Not really.’
We sat in silence for a few minutes. Amanda drove, I stewed over how I had been so easily fooled by Brett, and Big Ben… well, who knows what Big Ben was thinking, it probably involved having sex though.
It was Amanda that broke the silence. She looked at Big Ben in her rear-view mirror. ‘So, Ben. It seems you and I are going to end up working together on a semi-regular basis. Why don’t you tell me something about yourself?’ she encouraged.
Big Ben appeared to give the question some thought before answering. ‘I get my balls waxed every other Thursday by a young lady that is also called Amanda.’ Big Ben left it at that, undoubtedly awaiting her response.
‘I meant, tell me something interesting.’ Amanda replied deadpan.
For Big Ben women fell into four categories:
Women I have slept with
Women I am going to sleep with
Relatives
Women who are too old, too young, lesbians and the truly odd ones that don’t want to sleep with me.
Amanda was in category four. I think this was largely because Amanda was a ten on the scale of zero to hot and was well practiced at deflecting the efforts of men that only wanted to shag her because she is beautiful.
Big Ben appeared to be struggling for a suitable topic. I elected to help him out. ‘Ben plays the saxophone. Actually, he plays it really rather well.’
‘Now that is interesting.’ said Amanda. ‘What got you into that?’
‘Girls like it. Charms the pants right off them.’ he answered.
‘Right.’ Amanda replied. ‘I am given to understand that you are something of a player. What is it that you look for in a relationship?’
‘A relationship?’ Big Ben had said the words as if they were uncomfortable in his mouth and he wanted them out as quickly as possible. ‘Generally, I look for a way out.’
‘So, you just move from girl to girl never worried that you may have already met the one?’ she asked.
‘Hell, no. Honestly, I don't believe in the one. Please understand there is nothing misogynistic about my actions. I do not pretend that I intend to do anything other than ruin them for all other men and move on. I am very open about my one night only policy.’
‘And women actually agree to sleep with you?’ she said incredulously.
‘An abundance of them.' I chipped in a degree of glumness in my voice.
‘How on earth do you convince them?’
‘Convince them? Babe, I don’t have to convince them. They have formed a queue and taken numbers. How do I put this in simple terms?’ he asked and made a humming noise. ‘For a lot of women, present company clearly accepted, a night with me is a lottery win.’
Amanda made a scoffing noise.
‘I understand your disbelief, but the evidence stacks on my side. Some people are good at maths, some are good at writing. Some people have a physical skill that makes them Premiership football players or the lead England fast bowler. I have a body and loins that were put on this planet to make ladies moan in pleasure.’
Amanda did not look convinced.
‘Let me put it this way. If this were Harry Potter my Patronus would be a giant cock.’
Her bottom jaw fell open. She was staring at Big Ben in the rear-view mirror and trying to work out if he was pulling her leg.
‘Sooo.’ I said, scrambling for a new topic.
Much of the rest of the short journey back to Big Ben’s car in the supermarket carpark was conducted in silence.
As she pulled up next to the car, Big Ben and I thanked her and got out. I was tired from a lack of sleep and needed to eat, shower and distract myself with some ordinary working day activities.
Amanda’s car peeled away and disappeared out of the car park. Big Ben shrugged wordlessly at me. The meaning of which was indecipherable but may have been “Women!” Or “Shall we go?” but he did not appear to be looking for a response, so I climbed in and promptly fell asleep, waking as he pulled up at my house.
I thanked him and waved him off.
Interviewing an Admin Assistant. Tuesday, 13th October 0900hrs
Having not returned home last night no one had let the dogs out and I was greeted by a couple of neat little parcels on my dining room carpet. The boys appeared from the living room looking a little sheepish. I patted them both and apologised for not getting home for them. I felt bad. They had probably paced and paced until they decided they could no longer hold it. I let them outside and made them an extra special apology breakfast of scrambled eggs.
When they were finished with their food, I gave them a helping of milk then clipped their leads on and took them for a good walk. Only once I was content that they were properly dealt with did I sort myself out.
By 0900hrs, I was just pulling into my parking space behind the office. The fatigue from a poor night's sleep had retreated under a barrage of hearty breakfast and hot shower. I felt fresh and relaxed although still ready to murder when I remembered Brett Barker.
As I approached my office from behind the building, I wondered what might be causing the susurration I could hear. The cause, I learned as I turned the corner and my office door could be seen, was the muted voices of a hundred or so people lining up outside my door.
When Amanda suggested I hire an admin assistant to sift emails and perform other basic office admin tasks, I had acknowledged that she was right. It had already been my plan, I just had not done anything about it until two days ago when I had placed the advert on the jobs page of the website for The Weald World. In the excitement of yesterday, I had forgotten about it. I had expected applications to come by email and had feared that there might not be very many.
The advert read:
Administrative assistant required. Part time flexible hours, circa 20 hours per week. Applicants must be computer literate, familiar with Office software, able to work alone and have a solutions-based attitude.
The ad went on to state salary range, desired qualifications, the location of the job and name of the business.
I stared at the line for a moment, my mouth open and my feet motionless while I took in the sight. Backed up along the building, leading away from my of
fice door and down Rochester High Street was a queue of people (probably) dressed as Jedi, wizards (I could tell by the hats, wands and in several cases rather convincing beards), vampires, Ghostbusters and Bram Stoker looking crazies for as far as I could see. They were leaning against the wall or fiddling with their phones or sipping coffee from the coffee shop across the street. They were young and old, men and women, short, tall, fat, thin, different races and I had invited every one of these nut bags to interview for the admin assistant job.
I could not see a way past them and there were several at the front that had spotted me. Sighing deeply, I gave myself a mental slap and accepted my fate.
‘Good morning.’ I said to those near the front as I drew my keys and opened the door. ‘I will need a minute and the office is too small to accommodate more than one interviewee at a time so please wait here and I will come to fetch you in a minute.’ I said to the chap at the front. He was dressed rather oddly, and I suspected it was supposed to be a Batman costume. Its homemade nature - the cape appeared to be a black bin bag, made it a little hard to tell.
I trudged up the stairs to my office, banged my head on the door frame a few times, collected myself and went inside. I prayed the phone would ring with an urgent matter to which I would have no option to attend but it resiliently defied me with its silence. I put my bag down, switched my mobile phone to silent and turned around to go back downstairs and fetch the first applicant. At that point, I jumped out of my skin because the Batman, or whatever he was supposed to be, was already stood in my doorway.
‘You see that?’ he asked in a voice he was forcing to be deep and husky. He sounded like a crap version of Darth Vader doing a Batman impression. ‘Have you ever witnessed anyone move more silently than that? I can sneak up on anyone. That is why they call me the slug.’
So, not Batman then.
‘Tell me you don’t need a sidekick with a skill like that.’ This guy had crazy eyes and they were bugging out of his head.
‘I don’t need a sidekick full stop, I’m afraid. I need an administrative assistant that can answer emails, sort files and prepare invoices.’