Blue Moon Investigations Ten Book Bundle

by steve higgs

  The conversation about her Hoo-ha and Big Ben's amazing dick lasted most of the fourteen-minute drive to Rochester. The roads were clear, and people tend to just get out of the way of a police car. I parked next to Tempest's Porsche and went through the bottom door that led up to his office. There was conversation coming from the office, I could hear Tempest and Jane discussing something. They stopped though as they heard boots on the stairs and a head peered around the edge of the half-open top door.

  ‘Good morning, Amanda,' Tempest said. As always, he was well dressed in casual, but new, office wear. A pair of Ralph Lauren tan jeans with a white Gant shirt. He was a good-looking guy that looked after himself.

  Behind me, Patience had clearly spotted him as I heard her whisper, 'Hot damn.' under her breath.

  ‘Hi, Tempest. I was put on patrol, so I have come to collect the cameras instead of having Jane drop them off.’

  ‘Cameras?' he asked. Clearly, Jane had not told him I planned to use them.

  ‘Yes,’ said Jane, invisible behind the door until Patience and I reached the top of the stairs, ‘Amanda is using them to catch the ghost at the Pentagon.’

  ‘Well, I hope I can capture it in action. Trouble is there are more lifts than we have cameras.’

  ‘Any theory about what is happening there?’ Tempest asked.

  ‘Not yet. At least I don’t think I have anything tangible. The Pentagon manager is a little odd, there is something off about him. But so far, all I know is that there is something odd going on.’

  Patience cleared her throat. We had been ignoring her.

  ‘I’m terribly sorry. That was rude of us,’ Tempest said thrusting out his hand for her to shake. He was always so terribly British, ‘I’m Tempest Michaels. How do you do?’

  ‘Patience Woods,’ she replied, letting his hand go, ‘I thought I heard two men when I was coming up the stairs.’

  ‘Hi, I’m Jane,’ said Jane standing up.

  ‘Whoa,' Patience was gawping at Jane. It was the effect she had on most people when they discovered the tall, but petite, pretty, blond girl was, in fact, a man. Today Jane was wearing a wool dress and Ugg boots between which were a pair of patterned tights. It was all in hues of burgundy. Around her neck was a scarf that was mostly cream, but it was big enough to hang down over her flat chest to disguise it. ‘Are you a dude?' she asked.

  ‘Not today, no. I have two personalities fighting for dominance, one male, one female…’ I had heard the explanation a few times before. I was surprised that Jane did not get bored reciting it.

  Patience was looking Jane up and down, inspecting her. Jane finished explaining that she awoke each morning gender neutral and let her mood dictate which underwear drawer she opened.

  ‘So, you have a cock?’ Patience asked. I rolled my eyes and walked away. Tempest had gone across the room to where he kept the equipment such as cameras and listening equipment. He also had night vision goggles and some other gear as well as a few weapons – nothing illegal and it seemed to stay put in the cupboard, so I made no comment about it.

  Behind me, Patience had a list of questions to ask Jane, so I busied myself helping Tempest get the cameras out of the box they were in. He was checking each one turned on and that they had a battery charge.

  ‘Six of them. Unless you want to take the infrared as well, in which case I have another two which will make it eight. The infrared will not pick up much unless it is dark though,’ he explained.

  ‘Hmmm, that might work. The lights are reported to go out whenever there is an incident. The lights go out, the lift stops for a couple of seconds and then they come back on. Something is happening when the lights are out as several people have reported their shopping bags have gone missing.'

  ‘So, we have a thieving ghost riding an elevator?’ Tempest said, amusement in his voice. Tempest knew with utter conviction that there was always a rational explanation to the odd cases he investigated.

  ‘That is what I intend to find out,’ I replied, meaning it.

  I knew how the cameras worked. They were tiny things, barely bigger than a thumbnail and would run for most of a day on a single charge. Like tiny webcams, their output could be linked to a single computer anywhere and watched remotely with all feeds on one screen.

  ‘You need anything else?’ Tempest asked.

  ‘No. I don’t think so.’

  ‘Well, if you come up with something you do need just call me. I will bring it. I do not have a lot going on here today.’

  ‘No case?’ I enquired. ‘It sounded like you were discussing one when Patience and I were coming up the stairs.’

  ‘A banshee. Jane had a very convincing email from Rita Underworth. A banshee living in her bedroom closet, keeping her awake at night, should she be worried about it sucking out her lifeforce when she did sleep. Could I help, etcetera?'

  ‘It sounds just like your kind of case.’

  ‘Exactly. So, I made a phone call and discovered that Rita Underworth is nine years old. I spoke with her mother and the banshee is the old boiler which makes noises in the night as water gurgles through it. Jane and I were just laughing about it when you turned up because I almost drove to the address instead of calling first.’

  My radio squawked from its position clipped to my lapel. Dispatch had a job for us. I took the box of cameras, thanked Tempest for his help and told him I expected to be able to wrap the case up in a couple of days. Patience was still asking Jane about her junk and where she put it so that it didn’t show up if she was wearing tight jeans. I shoved her towards the door. We needed to go.

  The Pentagon. Wednesday, October 20th 1347hrs

  The call we responded to was a domestic disturbance. Fortunately, it was this side of Maidstone and we got there in just a few minutes – before dispatch enquired where we had been anyway. Dealing with it, arresting the lady of the house when she continued to be violent even after we arrived, took up the rest of the morning and it was after lunch before we were free to consider going to the Pentagon to put the cameras in. That was what we did though.

  I parked the squad car right next to the doors that led from the car park to the shopping centre. Why circle looking for a spot when I had my own park anywhere-I-like device? Patience asked what we were doing, so I explained as best I could that I was going to put the tiny cameras on the ceiling of the eight lifts that had suffered the most frequently reported incidents.

  I considered telling Martin Miller what we were doing but decided against it. If no one knew, then there was no chance of a warning getting back to the person or persons behind this.

  ‘Alright, ladies,' came a voice from behind us. I groaned internally. It was not unusual for young lads to think it acceptable to make inappropriate comments or suggestions to female police officers. However, it happened in Chatham every single time as if it were a sport or as if the idiots get taught it in a class at the school they are most likely playing truant from.

  As I turned around to face the voice, I grabbed Patience's arm. Her eyes were already bugging out, she hated being disrespected.

  ‘Young man I suggest you be on your way before I take an interest in you,' I would rather warn him and leave both he and his gaggle of spotty friends to annoy someone else, than get distracted by dealing with him. I could tell by his leering smile it would not work.

  ‘Hear that, fellas? The stripper doesn’t want to play today. Come on love, show us yer tits.’ There was a chorus of “Yeahs!” and “Yay, tits!” from the moronic cohort stood behind him.

  I moved towards him. He darted back a few feet. I still had the cameras and laptop stuffed in a box under one arm and would need to put it down to grab him.

  ‘I bet those tits are smashing. I can see how big they are even with the body armour on.’ He was still laughing at me, but it vanished soon enough as Patience snatched her arm out of my grip and lunged for him.

  ‘Whoa, darling. Careful with the goods,' he said as he slipped around one of his friends, narrowly
evading her. Patience pushed the boy he was hiding behind hard on his shoulders causing him to topple over the idiot crouching behind him. I leaned into my microphone to speak with dispatch about sending anyone else in Chatham to our location. Just in case.

  ‘Come here, tiny penis,' Patience growled as she grabbed him by the collar with both hands. She hefted him clean off the ground and bounced him off a handy shop window. The general crowd of shoppers passing by didn't even bother to look – young men getting slapped about by the police was a daily occurrence in Chatham.

  ‘Hey, babe no need to get frisky. I don't want to see your boobs, just the pretty white girl's,' he was still laughing and joking, not realising he had just kicked a bear.

  ‘What? You disrespectful little turd. You don't want to see my tits? You couldn't handle my tits. My tits would break your tiny little dick in two.' Then she kneed him in the nuts, but she achieved this by sweeping his feet out on either side and leaving her knee sticking out for him to fall on. Now far less resistant, Patience dragged him around the corner out of sight. Several of his friends looked ready to bolt as I tried to corral them around the corner as well. They might have done so had two more uniforms not been running towards us through the crowd.

  They were armed police, there were two on permanent rotation in Chatham, often hanging out in the Pentagon shopping mall as that was where the most people were. Patience and I had spotted them in the distance on our way in.

  ‘Help you, ladies?’ the taller of the two asked slightly out of breath, ‘Dispatch said officer in need of assistance. Made it sound urgent.’ The two men would be from the Chatham station, so they were vaguely familiar, but I didn’t know them. Chances were though that they knew Patience as she had transferred to Maidstone from Chatham some years ago and was not the sort of person one forgot. Ever.

  ‘Ooh!' said the chap next to him as Patience cuffed the young man and in so doing accidentally, very much on purpose, knelt on his testicles. The poor boy let out a yelp. His now sheepish friends were looking at each other, looking at the ground. One took out his phone and held it up as if to start filming the event.

  ‘I would put that away unless you want it inserted somewhere,' the taller guy whispered to him. He turned to me, ‘I once heard that she caught two guys chasing a girl and she gaffer-tapped them together with their pants around their ankles and top to tail, so each had to look at the other's todger.

  I raised my eyebrows but could not honestly say that the story surprised me.

  Patience appeared to be done with the young man. She lifted him up using the cuffs, which is something we are not allowed to do and wheeled him around to face his friends, ‘Now, what it is that you have to say to the assembled gentlemen?' she prompted him.

  The boy had tears on his face and looked quite sick. He also had dirt all over the front of his clothing where Patience had him on the ground. It was the usual expensive but crap sportswear that all his friends were also modelling a derivative of. He did not seem inclined to speak. Patience did something behind his back, most likely giving the cuffs a twist and he started talking right away.

  ‘I am very sorry for my lewd comments. Err, I have no right to objectify women of any age and most especially ladies in positions of responsibility such as police officers.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘And I want all my friends to learn from my poor example and the consequences I have suffered for my ill-thought choices.’

  ‘And?’

  The boy turned his head miserably to look at her. He didn’t want to say anything more.

  ‘And?’ she prompted again, a little venom in her tone.

  He hung his head, unable to look at anyone, ‘And I have a tiny penis.' His friends burst into laughter until Patience shot them a wide-eyed look of warning.

  ‘Very good, Antony. See how easy that was?’ Patience fiddled behind his back and the cuffs came off. Now you and your friends can go play but remember to be nice to ladies and be gentlemanly at all times.

  I picked up the box of cameras.

  ‘That was fun,’ the taller guy said, ‘You two should come down here more often.’

  ‘Feeling better?’ I asked Patience as she brushed dirt from her palms.

  ‘Much better, thank you. Shall we get this done then?’

  We arrived at the first bank of lifts and pressed the call button to bring it to us. The door pinged immediately and opened. The lifts were not sophisticated enough to have a screen that showed what floor it was on. I got in and turned to press the button. We were on the ground floor so the only way to go was up. I noticed that Patience was not with me. Nor was she stood in front of the open doors.

  I stuck my head back outside, holding the door open with one hand. ‘Patience, what are you doing?’ she was skulking just a few feet away, looking guilty.

  ‘I will wait here for you. You don’t need me in the lift, do you?’

  I stared at her, ‘Are you afraid of the ghost?’

  ‘I can feel its evil presence from here, Amanda. You wanna be a Ghostbuster now, that's your business. Patience ain't getting in no ghost lift.' Her eyes were bugging out a bit and she was shaking her head.

  ‘You have got to be kidding me. Look, I need your help, I cannot fit the cameras by myself, so you’re going to have to put your brave girl pants on and ride the lift with me for ten seconds.’

  ‘Uh-uh,’ she replied backing away.

  I put the box down to trap the door and went to grab her. ‘Get in the damned lift.' She danced away, but I snagged her protective vest and pulled her off balance. We were tucked down a short corridor, so not visible to the people walking through the shopping centre but several people had now stopped at the mouth of the corridor having seen movement and were watching us tussle.

  I finally pushed her into the lift, the first of eight that I needed to go in and the lift doors shut. Patience was backed against the far wall now, eyes darting in every direction.

  ‘It’s cold in here, Amanda. Why is it so cold?’

  I opened my mouth to assure her that it was the same temperature as everywhere else, but she cut me off.

  ‘Because the ghost is coming to get us, that’s why.’ Her legs appeared barely able to support her bodyweight. She was slumped into the corner holding herself up with a hand against two walls.

  Ignoring her, I took the first camera from the box and discovering that the ceiling was lower than I thought, I fitted it in place. It had a magnetic attachment. I turned it on and quickly checked the feed to the laptop Tempest had given me. This was the lift that had scored the most incidents, the one next to it the second highest number. I fitted an infrared camera next to the first one. Doubling up the cameras like this meant I could only cover six lifts but I was gambling that these would be the ones that would score me a result. Now I would get an image whether the lights were on or off.

  The lift pinged, and the doors opened. Patience burst into action, bolting for the exit. She hit the doors before they were even halfway open, her equipment clanging against both sides as she forced her way through the gap. Sighing, I picked up the box and followed her out.

  ‘I need to fit cameras in another five lifts, Patience.’ Patience was ten feet away across the car park that the lift had opened on.

  She waggled a finger at me, ‘I am not going back in any stupid lifts. I can’t believe you made me do that.’

  ‘Patience it is just a lift. A big steel box.’

  ‘Yeah. With a ghost in it. You go ahead and do what you got to do, girl. I am going back to the car. Matter of fact, I am taking my lunch break. Patience needs some chicken.' And with that, she stomped off towards the stairwell.

  A lot of help she turned out to be. It was a good thing I had overestimated the height of the ceiling in the lifts. I could reach it easily on my toes.

  Twenty minutes later, I had the last of the cameras in place and had only once had to quickly stop what I was doing because someone was trying to get on. I found Patience happily
sitting in the same booth as yesterday tucking into another bucket of chicken. Her hands were greasy all the way to her wrists, but she looked content.

  ‘Hey there, partner. How are you doing now?' I asked sliding into the booth opposite her.

  ‘Mmmm,’ she said through a mouthful of chicken, ‘Much better. Sorry about before. I kinda freaked out a bit. Do you really think there is no ghost?’

  ‘Yes, Patience. I have no doubt whatsoever that it is not a ghost stealing people's shopping. I'll tell you what. When I work out who is behind this, I will get you to perform the arrest. Ok?'

  I had her attention now, ‘Really? You would do that? Just turn them over for me to have the collar?’

  ‘Sure. I don't need it. It will not help my career in the Police with only a couple of weeks left. Besides, I will be performing this investigation as the employee of a private investigation firm and as such my remit is to determine the solution to the case, not to make the arrest. In a couple of weeks, my powers of arrest are gone along with my Police ID, so I might as well get used to it.' This was something Tempest had gone over a few times. Clients needed to understand that we found out what was going on, we presented an explanation for their mystery but if there was a criminal perpetrating the odd goings on then we handed it over to the police. Every time.

  ‘Well, you could have said that before. I could have helped with the cameras if you had said that.' Patience was rooting around in the bottom of the bucket, scooping out the last few fries. Quite how she put it all away without bursting out of her uniform I had no idea. She carried a few extra pounds but no more than that, yet she ate like a bear preparing for hibernation.

  The radios squawked again. There was a traffic accident they wanted us to attend. Dispatch wanted to know our ETA. The accident was at the top of Bluebell Hill – somewhere that accidents occurred all too regularly, and we were at least fifteen minutes away. I lied and told them five.