by steve higgs
‘I’m surprised it bothers you, love.’ Said Big Ben. ‘It’s not much bigger than the snake you had to deal with last night.’ He was laughing to himself, but I was struggling to find the humour in the situation.
Finding my brave pants finally, I walked back over to my car and peered inside. In the passenger's footwell was the biggest snake I had ever seen. My brain was telling me that it was a Boa Constrictor but was neither sure that I was right nor sure that it mattered. What mattered, was that someone had put an enormous friggin' snake in my car. As I watched, its head came into view, poking up by my gear knob to say hello. Its tongue flicked out sending an involuntary shudder right through my body.
I curse you with spiders and snakes.
Kimberly would not have to worry about her stalker case for long because I was going to kill Bartholomew. There would be prints on the car, hair, and fibre in it. With that, we could nail him. As I pulled out my phone to call the station and get a crime scene team out here, I started to question what we could nail him for. Being sloppy with a snake? It certainly didn't fall into any assault categories. It was stalker behaviour but now it was aimed at me instead of Kimberly.
Nevertheless, I needed to prove his involvement, maybe have another chat with him, but this time do it at his parent’s house. With their calming influence, perhaps he would be willing to discuss the recent events like an adult. Or maybe he would just not be willing to pretend he was a voodoo priest with his mother sitting next to him and would thus be forced to answer some of my questions.
Big Ben looked like he was going to get into the car and pet the snake. I grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. ‘Crime scene.’ I mouthed as the phone connected at the other end. He got it and gently closed the door of my car using a handkerchief over his fingers to do so.
‘So, what now.’ asked Kimberly, looking at her watch. ‘I need to get to work.’
‘I can take you.’ Big Ben offered.
I could see no reason for keeping Kimberly with me. I believed she would be safe enough at work, so I sent her with Big Ben while I waited for the crime scene guys to arrive. They would not take long as they were barely more than a mile away but were not the type that had to react in five seconds ever, so would finish what they were doing before they set off. I went inside to get a cup of coffee and changed my wet clothing while I waited.
Mrs. Stone from the floor below me came out of the building as I was going in. She had on her usual combination of pinks to match her dyed pink hair. Mrs. Stone was old. Like when she went to school there was no history class kind of old. She was spritely still though despite the years and always gave me the impression she was about to get up to no good.
She smiled at me conspiratorially as we went by each other. ‘Someone got some last night, eh? Sounded like your couch was working its way across the whole room.’ She cackled at me,
My face coloured. ‘Oh, ah. That wasn’t me actually.’
Now she looked confused. ‘Well, what were you doing, keeping an old lady up with all that noise if you weren’t getting some?’
‘I had a couple of friends stay.’ I admitted. That’s why it was the couch.
She nodded, smiled inwardly in a way that made me think she was reminiscing about her past, then hurried on her way, shuffling along the path in her house slippers still.
Inside, I brewed coffee and waited by the window. To pass the time I called Jane/James to catch her/him up on recent events and to see what he/she had learned.
‘Hi, it’s James.’ He answered helpfully. He had selected boy clothing this morning. ‘How did you get on yesterday?’
I explained about the visit to the Kings house in Bearsted and my run in with Bartholomew and his gang at the house on the Magdalene Estate. I left out the bit about Terrance and Trevor and about Big Ben shagging Kimberly on my couch.
‘How did it go with the ghost tours lady?’ he asked.
I had all but forgotten that I had a second case to explore. Bartholomew was keeping me occupied. ‘I need to do more research and I need to go back there and take part in a tour or something, so I can see what is happening for myself.’
‘We have an email from Mrs. Hallett this morning complaining that they had an interruption last night during their Halloween event. She asked what we propose to do about it. She makes it sound like we should have already solved the case by now and she asked when Tempest would be available.'
This was not an unusual attitude. The bit about expecting us to solve the case instantly, not the bit about needing Tempest. I would need to put some more effort into it today. For now, I was grounded though so explained to James about the rather large snake in my car and the curse Bartholomew had supposedly placed upon me.
‘I do not like snakes.’ James concluded. ‘Or spiders for that matter. The little blighters have far too many legs. Hey, I found some information on Bartholomew last night while I was watching Hollyoaks.’
‘Tell me.’
‘His social profile doesn’t tell me much at all, but I liked a load of his friends using a dummy profile I created using a picture of Thea Huntley.’
‘The actress?’
‘Yup, an old picture before she started getting old and surgery botched her face. Well, I got liked back by half a dozen of the boys so started asking them questions about this and that. I had seven conversations going at one point, then I dropped in that it was Halloween and what were they up to. Three of them said they were practising voodoo with a local priest. One used the name the Magdalene King – does that mean anything to you?'
‘Yes, James. It most certainly does.’
‘Well, over about an hour I was able to tease out that all the chaps doing voodoo were also working for the Magdalene King. They are all on Bartholomew's social friends' list. But that's not all.'
‘Go on.’
‘I was asking one guy one piece of information and getting an answer, then asking the next guy a question using the information to make it seem like I already knew what was going on. Then when I got his answer, I would go to the next guy with my next question having gained more detail. What I learned, was that Bartholomew is using Meet Market to pick up girls because he needs one for something. They wouldn’t say what it was, I got the impression they didn’t know, but it is something big or important and he is getting agitated because he is running out of time.’ James finished speaking and fell silent.
What could he need a girl for? His parents said he had a girlfriend, they might have used the word fiancé in fact. Was he just a player and planned to give it all up when he was married? Was the wedding soon? I would need to find out some more about this.
Looking out of my window, I saw a police car arrive and the white van of the crime scene team pull up next to it. Patience Woods got out of the passenger's side of the car dressed in civilian clothes.
‘I have to go. The team has come to deal with the snake.' I explained.
‘Oh, err, I have more stuff to tell you. About the Meet Market website…'
‘I’ll have to call you back. Is that okay?’
‘Oh. Yes, of course. It might be important. Or might help…’
I was already out the door, four expectant faces staring at me. ‘Sorry, James. Gotta go.’ I hung up, promising to call back soon to continue our conversation.
‘Hi, everyone. There’s a snake in my car.’
Patience peered in through the glass of the passenger's window before I could warn her not to. The snake reared its head and came right at her. ‘Whoa!' she screamed as she performed what was almost a backflip to get away from my car. ‘That's a snake, girl.' She said. Actually, that wasn't what she said, but I cannot repeat what she did say because I might have a child one day and I don't want those words to have ever left my mouth.
Brad Hardacre was the other cop in the car with her. He had been driving because no one who valued their life allowed Patience to get behind the wheel. He strolled across to look in the window as well. ‘Hi, Amanda.’ He s
aid as he peered in. ‘That’s a big snake.’ It clearly didn’t bother him.
‘Hello, Brad. How’s tricks?’
‘Never a dull day.’ He replied blithely.
Next to him, the crime scene guys I had called were getting their gear out. I knew them. Their names were Steve and Simon, they were both sweet, older married guys that had no hair and too many kids. At least in their opinion, although I am certain neither one meant it when they said it. They were taking plastic cases out of the van and placing them on the ground. It had been Simon that answered the phone when I called the extension for their office. He looked across at me now, peering over the top of his glasses.
‘What have you got for us, Amanda?' He peered in the car, ushering Brad to get out of his way. ‘Python Reticulatus, a large male by the look of him. Not exactly native to Maidstone. Where did you say you found him again?'
‘In the car.’ I answered. I shuddered again.
‘Well, make yourself useful Hardacre, you are not here for your looks. Get animal control please.’
‘I already did, professor. They will be here in a few minutes.’
‘Jolly good.' He replied, barely acknowledging that Brad was there. Simon had gone into scientist mode. I had seen this many times before. The crime scene guys were all much the same, even the women on the team were cut from the same cloth. The Police Officers were a handy part of the team, but in their opinion, albeit that they rarely voiced it, they were the brains that got the crimes solved and we were just the monkeys running around finding them crimes to investigate. With nothing to do until animal control arrived, Simon wandered back to the van where he produced a thermos flask and two cups for him and Steve.
I wandered across to talk to them. ‘How long do you think this will take?' I asked.
‘That depends on several factors, Amanda.’
‘I’m listening.’
‘We must wait an indeterminate period for the snake to be removed before we can start work. Thereafter, dusting for prints, lifting hair and fibre and anything else we find will take a couple of hours. Were this a murder scene and we were here officially and not just because you asked nicely, it would take all day, but we could be called away at any moment so will be proceeding with the abridged version of our search. You can have your car back around lunchtime, but other than fingerprint results, it will take some time to perform any analysis and we will need a compelling reason why we would need to.'
I understood what they were telling me. There were too many crimes for the department to waste time analysing evidence from crimes that had no chance of a successful outcome. I would need to show them secondary evidence of Bartholomew's guilt, otherwise, some trace hair and fibre in my car would be dismissed in court as having been passed from my own clothing after my brush with him yesterday.
I thanked them and moved away, wondered what I was going to do with my morning if I didn't have a car. Sitting at home watching daytime TV would not solve any cases or put money in my bank account. An account that relied entirely now on me solving cases.
Patience had recovered from her shock and had come to see what I was up to. ‘Sooo, how was last night?’ she asked.
I looked at her quizzically, then remembered that she knew I was having Brett come to stay for our first night together and was blissfully unaware that it had all gone south.
‘Rubbish.’ I answered. I gave her a minute to digest my response, then grinned at her. ‘We had to cancel. Remember I told you about the voodoo case?’
‘Uh-huh.’ She replied suspiciously.
‘My client ran into some bother, so I fetched her, and she spent the night on my sofa.’
Patience was squinting her eyes at me. ‘Are you sure that was what happened? Are you sure that you didn’t just come up with a reason not to have that fine man in your bed?’
I rolled my eyes. Then a thought occurred to me. 'Why are you here? Did your shift pattern change?’ Patience and I were on the same shift pattern, so I would have been due to have been on a night last night and would have been finished about half an hour ago and on my way home. Thus, Patience ought to be on her way home now.
‘I was going out the door when I heard about the snake in your car. It was all over the station. Someone asked if it was CI Quinn and Quinn heard them but didn’t see who it was, and no one would own up to it – as if anyone would be that daft. So, Quinn messed us around for a while and I was late leaving, and Brad offered me a lift into town because my car is in the shop and I need to pick it up. Why?’
‘It looks like my car is out of action for the next few hours and I need to go places.
Why is your car in the shop?'
‘Had a minor collision.' Patience was one of those people that couldn't drive. Somehow, she had passed her driving test first time though and had gone on to pass the police advanced driving exam. Despite this, she hit something with her car at least once a month.
‘Can I borrow your car? Just until I get mine back?’
‘I have a better idea. I’ll come with you.’ She said. ‘I don’t have anything planned for today and I am not tired, and I have the next three days off.’
‘Okay, but I’m driving.’
‘It’s my car.’ She protested.
I fixed her with a look and asked, ‘How many times have you crashed this month?’
Her eyes went upwards while she did some basic maths. ‘Doesn’t matter.’ She decided. ‘It’s still my car.’
‘Okay, but if you hit anything. I am getting out and walking.’
As it turned out, I didn't have to worry about Patience driving. We left Brad with the crime scene guys just as animal control were turning up. He was unhappy that we were abandoning him to go have fun while he minded my car – his words not mine. Patience and I just waved and blew kisses to annoy him as we walked away. Her car was in a garage about a half mile from my apartment. Down by the river, there were low rent business units, the sort of place that attracts low rent businesses. Patience needed to fix her car so often that she had to go to the low rent, low-cost guys.
Her car wasn't ready though, which caused a heated discussion to ensue. Lots of discussions involving Patience were heated. She was just a fiery woman and she had a thing about verbally beating men up. When that didn't work, she had threatened the man until he had given in and offered her a loan car. He refused to let her drive it though and would only let it go if it was my name on the paperwork as the driver. I guess he had fixed her car too many times.
The loaner turned out to be his own two-year-old Mercedes E Class. I asked if he was sure he wanted to do this, but he smiled at me lecherously and attempted to peer down my top, making it obvious why I was being entrusted with his expensive car. I was tempted to let Patience drive it anyway. I took the keys, threw him a thank you with a little venom behind it and slid into the plush leather interior.
‘Where are we going?’ Patience wanted to know. ‘I could do with some breakfast.’
‘I’m going to the office. James was trying to tell me something earlier and I worry that he is cut off without Tempest here. I don’t want him trying to do too much on his own.’
‘Hold on. Didn’t the office burn down?’
‘Not that office. Tempest set everything up in his house until the place in Rochester can be rebuilt. There will be food there.’
‘Where is his house?’
‘Finchampstead.’
‘Oh. Okay then.' Patience relaxed into her seat. It would take no more than a few minutes to get to Finchampstead, her belly could wait that long. She started playing with the buttons on her chair. She sank toward the floor of the car. Then rose back up again. Then made the seat back fold backward. ‘Maybe I should get one of these.' She observed. ‘It sure is comfortable. And snazzy. What do you think the monthly payments are on one of these?'
‘So much that people would assume you were a prostitute or a drug dealer on the side.’
‘How come my mechanic can afford one then?’
>
‘Because you keep giving him all your money.’
‘Oh yeah.’
The ride to Finchampstead and Tempest's house took seven minutes. James's little Ford Fiesta was parked on the driveway again. I eased the large black German sedan onto the drive next to it. It barely fit. Tempest's drive always looked big to me. Wide at least but thinking about it now I acknowledged that I only ever saw it with his two-seater sports car and my mini on it.
The front door was unlocked. ‘James.’ I called out going in. ‘It’s Amanda and Patience.’
‘In here.' His voice echoed back from the dining room/office.
As always, James was hunched over the computer doing something geeky.
‘Morning, James. You were trying to tell me something earlier. The police had just turned up with the forensics team to get the snake out of my car.’ I said by way of explanation for cutting him off.
‘No problem.’ He replied getting up. ‘I was about to make tea. Would you ladies like some tea?’
‘Patience needs some breakfast.' Patience said. At that announcement, her belly gave an audible rumble that sounded like distant thunder.
‘Oh, ah. I think Tempest more or less emptied the house of food when he left. There might be something in the freezer.’ James replied.
I hadn't thought this through. Patience was eyeing me accusingly. ‘You said I could get breakfast here and drove by three different breakfast places to get here.'
‘None of them served healthy food, Patience. There is bound to be something here we can make you.’ I opened the freezer. ‘Look, lots of frozen fruit, vegetables and yoghurt. How about a smoothy?’
‘A smoothy?’
James brushed by us to get to the kettle. The debate over what constituted breakfast, and what did not, went on for a while. Patience was very firmly in the camp that felt breakfast had to have some lard in to just to qualify. After a while, I promised to take her for breakfast somewhere when we left Tempest's house.
‘So, James. You found out something about Bartholomew trying to pick up girls?’ I prompted him to tell me more.