by steve higgs
I rose from the sofa and stomped across my small apartment to find it. However, my doorbell rang before I got my hand on the fridge door and though I twitched with indecision, I went to answer it anyway.
I live in a safe apartment block in a safe part of town. I’m no fool though, so I put the safety chain on before I opened the door and peeked around it to see who was outside.
Not the Evening I had Planned. Wednesday, November 9th 1937hrs
Outside my door, with a massive bunch of flowers in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other was the only person in the world I wanted to see right now.
Outside my door was Brett Barker.
And he looked hopeful.
Neither one of us said anything for a second, then I was slamming the door shut so I could get the safety chain off and he was starting to speak.
‘Amanda, I’m so sorry. I made such a mistake.’
‘Shut up.’ I demanded as I threw myself at him. Then he couldn’t talk because we were kissing, and I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I thought I might cry. He didn’t know what to do with his hands as they were both full and he couldn’t put anything down.
He broke the kiss as I dragged him into my apartment and kicked the door shut. I snatched the champagne from his unresisting grip and dropped it on the sofa as we stepped around it, still mostly locked at the lips. The flowers… I don't actually know what happened to the flowers but neither they nor my towels were still with us when we got to my bedroom door and tumbled through it.
The Morning After. Thursday, November 10th 0614hrs
I woke to the sound of Brett snoring lightly next to me. My bed wasn’t big enough that we could share it and not touch each other so even though he was laying on his back on the other side of the bed, he was still partially intertwined with me.
I didn’t move. I just stayed where I was, watching him sleep and breathing in the scent of him. I felt glorious. I felt victorious.
I felt horny.
The realisation that I felt a desire for physical affection and could instantly do something about it made my tummy go swirly for a second. Not that I hadn’t got my fill last night. I just wanted more. He was like candy, only this candy wouldn’t make me fat.
I gently eased back the duvet to reveal his toned torso. He was every bit as fabulous as I remembered. I didn’t want to wake him, but maybe if I accidentally caused him to come awake…
I tugged the duvet a little more. What I wanted to see was just a few inches further south.
Mmmm inches.
‘Find something you like?’ He asked, his husky voice dripping with passion.
I bit my bottom lip as I locked eyes with him. Then he moved with sudden speed, flipping me onto my back and pinning me in place.
The rest, if you will allow me to paraphrase, was ecstasy.
Forty minutes later I was in the shower, getting clean and trying to think about work when the shower door opened behind me and it all started again. This time vertically instead of horizontally.
When I finally got to work a few minutes before nine o’clock, my legs were wobbly, and I was starving because I had missed dinner completely and only grabbed a banana for breakfast. I needed to check in with James, since I hadn’t even looked at my emails since last night and I needed to find food.
And coffee. Definitely coffee.
Before I had left the apartment, or more accurately, before I let Brett leave, I had asked him how it was that he had come to believe I had not been cheating. He seemed reluctant to tell me the whole picture but said that he had come by information that proved he had been a fool. He distracted me with more kisses. Kisses that were heating up again and which caused me to insist he go before we were naked once more.
Driving to work, I thought about how Brett could have come to know I was not cheating on him. The answer I kept coming back to, was that Tempest or Big Ben had contacted him. Tempest seemed the more likely of the two to perpetrate the crime and he and Brett were not friends, so it felt right that Brett would be more inclined to believe him. Who else could it have been? A better question was whether I should be angry about it or not. I needed to think about that.
I found James in the office already, the dim November dawn light just starting to brighten the office naturally from outside while he sat under the bright white LED lights inside. He looked up as I crossed the office.
‘Where do you get your eyeshadow?' I asked. James had been dressed as a girl more often than not since I met him but, on the occasions that he turned up as a boy, he never wore make-up. Until this week, that is. I suspected it was something to do with the events of last week when he had also been kidnapped and was to be ritually murdered. They hadn't spotted that he was a man beneath the dress and blonde wig until they stripped him naked. Now he came to work as a boy with boy hair and a full face of make-up.
Thing is, he wore it better than me.
‘It’s Mac.’ He replied. That explained a lot. I couldn’t afford Mac. A little voice on my right shoulder whispered that I had a multi-millionaire boyfriend again so could have whatever I wanted probably.
I shushed the voice while secretly smiling to myself.
‘Are you okay?' James asked. ‘You seem… different.'
I smiled again but said nothing.
Suddenly a Dachshund appeared by my feet. Then another. Both wagging their tails like mad and jumping up at my legs. Tempest had the cutest dogs I had ever met, I couldn't resist crouching to pet them. To me, they looked very similar although Tempest claimed he could tell them apart just by listening to them breathe. I had to check the tag on the little dog's collar to work out that I had Dozer's belly under my fingernails. The moment I reached for him, he had flipped onto his back for a tummy tickle.
‘Good morning.’ Called out Tempest as he came into the room after the dogs.
James answered with his usual, ‘Hey, boss.’
I stayed where I was, stroking his dog for a few more seconds but smiled and said good morning in return. Then I remembered that I wanted to ask him about Brett. ‘Have you got a moment?’
‘Of course.’
Tempest was taking off his jacket and walking to his office when he replied. I gave the dog a final pat and left him with James. Ahead of me, Tempest had gone into my office and was looking out the back window at the late Autumn weather outside.
I opened my mouth to ask him the question that was bothering me but couldn’t work out how to frame it. ‘Um.’ I managed.
‘Alright. Out with it. What did I do?’ His cheeks were colouring with embarrassment, I couldn’t guess what he thought I was about to say but he had snapped out the demand with worried impatience.
It caught me off guard, but it did make me speak. ‘Wow. Okay. Did you call Brett?’
His shoulders slumped. It looked like an act of guilty admission. ‘Not exactly.’ He turned away from me and scratched his head, ‘Essentially though, yes. Please accept my apologies if I overstepped. I felt there was a wrong to make right.’
Okay, so I was right, and I had my boss to thank for my renewed relationship with Brett (and the fact that my legs felt like jelly). ‘I would not normally tolerate interference in my relationships, but this time I feel I need to thank you.’
Tempest caught me smiling and took my right hand in both of his. He had something he wanted to say. His eyes were boring into mine, he looked nervous. Oh, God! Was he finally going to admit how he felt about me? It was a day too late if he was.
He opened his mouth to speak. Closed it again, gave himself a second and tried once more.
‘Anyone for coffee?’ James yelled from the front of the office.
Oh, thank God.
‘Cor, yeah. I’m exhausted.’ I called back, thankful that I could deflect whatever it was Tempest had to say, but certain it was going to be about his feelings for me. It seemed cruel, but I added, ‘I didn’t get much sleep last night.’ So that Tempest would better understand he had missed his chance. I didn�
��t want to have the conversation with him if I could avoid it.
He was still holding my hand. I knew he wouldn’t voice his feelings now but I had to prompt him to speak nevertheless. ‘Was there something you wanted to say?’ I asked.
He gave my hand a final squeeze. ‘Just that I am happy for you. I am glad it worked out.’
‘Me too.’
Tempest changed the subject. ‘How did the crop circle case go?
I moved behind my desk to put some distance between us, ‘I have a case, that’s for sure. Three farmers have joined together to hire us before they go out of business. They signed the contract and paid an advance yesterday. I will be getting stuck into it today.’
James stuck his head through the office door next to me. He had his coat on ready to go outside. ‘What’s it to be?’ We gave him our order for the coffee shop and Tempest handed over a crisp twenty pounds note.
He was hanging around to hear about the case, so I pulled out a map I had bought at a gas station last night on the way home. I wanted to mark different features on it to give me a clearer picture of where different events had occurred – alien craft sightings, crop circles etcetera. It might not help, but I was sure it couldn’t hurt. ‘We need more maps. I bought this one yesterday as it shows the area of the farms in some detail.’ It was an Ordnance Survey map of Cliffe Woods and the area around it. Having folded it out I needed a wall to put it on. ‘Have we got any pins? Or some Blue-Tac?’
‘Somewhere, yes.’ He replied but what he found was a roll of Sellotape.
‘So, the three farms are here, here and here.’ I drew three circles on the map. ‘And the crop circles have appeared in these fields.’ I put some swirling circles on to represent them.
We both stared at the map. ‘That’s about it actually. I don’t know any more yet.’ I admitted. ‘Oh, I forgot to mention. You might get a call from a TV show chap. I met him yesterday. He seemed to think I should know him and was doing his best to be charming while mostly making me want to vomit.’
‘Sounds like a top bloke. Why will he be contacting me?’
‘Well, he might not, but he is the star, his words not mine, of an internet show where they search for proof of extra-terrestrial life. It’s called Alien Quest. He did tell me what channel it is on, but I wasn’t really listening. Anyway, he is investigating the crop circles for his TV show and was at Brompton farm trying to do some filming.’
‘How did you end up speaking to him?’
‘He cornered me on my way back to my car. He thought maybe I worked at the farm and wanted to ask me some questions. Made a big show of telling me I should be on camera. As I said, he was trying to be charming. I should have lied and told him I did work there but had to go, instead I said I was investigating the crop circles myself and suddenly he was asking question after question. His cameraman somehow knew who I was and knew about you. He might never call. I just wanted to warn you, in case he did.'
Tempest fiddled with his phone. ‘Jack Hammer?’ He asked as he showed me the picture of the slimy TV show host.
‘That’s him. I have to believe that he changed his name too - Jack Hammer. He sounds like an adult film star.’
Tempest nodded his agreement.
The office door opened again as James came back through it bearing a tray of coffee cups and a bag that probably had a donut in it for him. My stomach growled meaningfully but Tempest had already left to get his hot brew and didn’t hear it. I was going to need to get food really soon.
Uncle Knobhead. Thursday, November 10th 1011hrs
By ten o’clock, Tempest had already left for the day, pursuing a case that appeared to involve suburban witchcraft and I had gone for food. There was a shop a couple of doors along from us that made sandwiches fresh every day. I was hungry and had missed meals so grabbed the ultra-dirty chicken, bacon and stuffing sandwich with mayo that I always lusted after and never bought.
What can I say? I was feeling naughty. I bought a vegetable smoothie to wash it down because that would balance it out. That’s how it works, right?
I had eaten the first of the two triangles before I got back to the office and could feel the demand for sustenance subsiding as I crossed the room. I still needed to catch up with James about the research he had been doing.
A voice stopped me short. ‘Amanda?’
I turned toward the voice, my mouth full of half-chewed sandwich. I was certain before I saw the voice’s owner that I knew who was behind me. There, framed in the office door, was my Uncle Knobhead.
‘Uncle?’
‘Hello, Amanda. So good to see you. It’s your Uncle Knobhead.’ Upon saying his name, James’s head shot up to see what was going on.
‘Wow!’ Said Uncle Knobhead, taking in James’s makeup.
‘Good morning.’ Said James pleasantly before returning his attention to his computer screen.
My mother has an older brother called Norbert. As a child, I struggled to say his name correctly and it came out sounding close enough to Knobhead for the name to stick. Soon, everyone in the family called him that instead of Norbert. He hadn't shied away from it either, in fact, it would be more accurate to say that he embraced it as if he had finally found something remarkable about himself. He would actually regale people with the story, so it was not that great of a surprise that he was now announcing himself to the room as Uncle Knobhead.
He was grinning at me, the expression worrying. It made me think that he thought he knew something that I didn’t know.
‘Uncle.’ I said again, this time in greeting as I swallowed my bite of sandwich and crossed the room to air kiss his cheek. I hadn’t seen him in at least three years. ‘What are you doing here? Please tell me you are not here with a case to solve.’
‘No.' He said, his excitement brimming over. ‘I'm here to help.' He came into the office fully now, closing the door behind him.
‘Help how?’ I asked, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.
‘I got kidnapped by aliens.’
Right.
I just stared at him. Growing up, my Uncle had always been the fool that entertained me. At family gatherings, on the rare occasions when he visited our house or the even rarer ones when we went to his, he was always doing silly things. It wasn't until I reached adulthood that I came to understand that he was a fool. His life was mostly a mess of failed relationships, failed business enterprises and gambling debts that had culminated in a botched robbery and three years in jail. He was just that kind of a person. Now though I was waiting for the punchline.
Then it occurred to me that he couldn’t know I was investigating aliens. Unless…
‘My mother called you, didn’t she?’ She had been listening after all.
‘She sent me an email.’ He replied. He had wandered across to the small table in the seating area where we had tea and coffee facilities laid out. ‘Are there any biscuits?’ He asked hopefully.
‘No, I don’t think so.’ I wanted to revisit the alien kidnap thing. ‘When exactly, Uncle, did you get kidnapped by Aliens?’
Without needing to think he snapped out the answer, ‘Saturday, May 13th, 1997.’
‘Why have I never heard about this?’
‘Oh, it’s very hush hush. The government department that covers these things up made me sign a form to promise I would never speak about it.’
‘But you are speaking about it.’ I pointed out.
‘Well, yes. Technically I am. But with you being in the know I don’t think it counts.’ He had given up on his quest for a biscuit and was helping himself to a coffee. There were sweeteners in a dispenser on the tray with everything else. He clicked the lid three times to dispense three tiny tablets then pocketed the dispenser instead of putting it back on the tray.
In the know?
I wasn’t sure what he meant, but the safest thing I could do was not ask questions and get rid of him as swiftly and politely as possible.
‘Your mum said I should volunteer my services. She sai
d,’ I watched his eyes go up as he scoured his memory for what she had written. ‘Nobby you need to get yourself on the straight and narrow. Go and see Amanda and do something useful for once.’ His eyes returned to horizontal and he looked at me like an eager puppy.
Ah, nuts! How was I supposed to turf him out now?
Just then the office door opened again. I had half a second of hope that it might be a customer and I would have to deal with them instead of my Uncle and might have time to formulate a plan to let him down gently. But no, I was denied. Coming through the door was Jack Hammer and Bob.
Bob was filming while Jack walked backward and talked to the camera.
‘… and inside the office of the Blue Moon Investigation Agency, we find…'
‘My word! Jack Hammer! As I live and breathe, it's Jack Hammer.' Exclaimed Uncle Knobhead, his excitement overflowing.
His outburst interrupted the flow of Jack’s nonsense, but he recovered instantly when he saw that he had run into a fan. Jack was giving the room his best smile.
‘Oh, what a great day this is turning out to be.’ Uncle Knobhead had crossed the room, still holding his coffee which spilled on the carpet as he pumped Jack’s hand for all it was worth. ‘Your show is the best thing on the internet.’
Jack’s smile, if possible, got even broader. Then he looked at me and said, ‘Fans everywhere, Amanda. I bet this gentleman knows his fact from fiction.’
‘Indeed, I do, sir.’ Said Uncle Knobhead. ‘I’m one of those in the know.’ He tapped his nose to indicate that he knew secret things and winked.
Jack was lapping it up.
I was bored. ‘Mr. Hammer…'
‘Jack, please.’ He insisted.
I started again. ‘Mr. Hammer. Is there something I can help you with?' I had a case to investigate and didn't need any of the daft distractions I was currently suffering.
‘I’ve decided to team up with you. We can investigate this together. Together we will make the perfect pairing and when we find the proof we need, we can get the publicity that will send our show into orbit.’