It’s the scent. The mint and pine. It’s Noah.
“Ari…”
I lift the calendar and turn to face him, slapping it into his chest.
He has a choice to watch it fall or grab hold of it and read it, and he chooses to let it drop to our feet.
A tenderness falls over him and his head tips the slightest bit.
He already knows what’s on there.
“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he rasps.
A humorless chuckle leaves me, and I shake my head.
“What?” I stare. “That’s what you have to say about this?” I shake my head again, spinning away from him, and moving farther into his place.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says quietly, the warmth of his presence growing closer. “But more and more, I have no idea how to accomplish that.” He’s right behind me now, my body senses his. “Lies hurt people, and I feel like all I do is lie when I look at you.”
I gulp. “So don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
The hairs on the nape of my neck stand as the heat of his breath reaches me.
“Lie.” Slowly I face him, and my lungs expand. “Don’t lie to me, Noah.”
His blue eyes pierce mine, and he gives a curt nod. “Okay.”
“Say You Swear.”
A broken breath pushes past his lips, and he nods again.
With anxious waves rolling over me, I point to the calendar on the floor. “The gala. I was supposed to go with you.”
He nods, and an ache forms in my chest.
“I had a dress.”
His lips tip the slightest bit. “You did?”
“You didn’t know?”
He shakes his head. “I bet you wanted to surprise me. What color?”
“Guess.”
He points his smile to the floor, as if he knows but doesn’t say a word.
“The gala. That’s what you meant when you said I owed you a dance. Because I should have danced with you then.”
Another nod.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, but I hold them in. “Why did I draw hearts all around the date?”
“You didn’t.”
Frustration blooms, and I bend, snatching it off the ground and slap it into his hand. “You swore.”
“You wrote it on the calendar. I drew the hearts.”
“Y-you drew the hearts?” I stutter. “In three colors? On the calendar in—”
“In your bedroom.” He stares, hesitating, but only for a moment. “And in your school planner. And on the one in mine.”
“In your… what?”
“Bedroom,” he whispers.
My throat swells. “Show me.”
Nodding, Noah holds a hand out, so I slip away, slowly moving through the small living room area and through the open door that leads to a fresh made bed.
A pair of shoes sit at the foot of it, and papers litter the small desk in the corner.
I freeze when I spot an old T-shirt tossed in the corner, one that looks a lot like Mason’s old high school shirt, the one I stole as sleepwear.
My head snaps over my shoulder, my cheeks heating when Noah nods.
He slips ahead of me, pulling the standing calendar from his desktop, and hands it to me.
It’s still on December, which is completely blank, and so I flip it over, and sure enough, it’s there, hearts and all.
My hands tremble, and I brush my thumb over the writing. “Noah…”
“We were excited,” he rasps. “That’s all.”
“How could you allow me to go with Chase?” I look up.
“I didn’t allow anything.” His shoulders fall. “It was your choice.”
“But I had already made one. If I would have known, I wouldn’t have said yes.”
“But you didn’t know.”
“That’s your fault too!” I don’t mean to shout, and guilt wraps around my ribs.
“You can blame me. Anything you want to blame me for, do it. Please.” His tone is shattered, helpless and the ache bleeds into my own veins. “I’ll carry that weight. Gladly. Happily, if it takes any off you. I don’t want to hurt you.” He steps closer, nearly begging to take the pain from within me as his own. “If I went against what you asked, if I looked you in the eye and told you anything from before, I would have risked scaring you away. I couldn’t take that chance.”
“You wouldn’t have scared me.”
“You don’t know that.” Torment burns in his eyes, and my lips begin to quiver.
“Did you ask Mason to delete something from my phone?”
He visibly winces, silently pleading for a pass.
I don’t give him one.
You swore…
Noah nods.
“What was it?”
He swallows. “A message… all of our messages.”
There were a lot?
“Did you delete it from yours?”
Noah hangs his head. “No.”
“Why?”
He closes his eyes, and when they open, they’re clear, and I’m captivated by the sorrow within them. “Because I needed to hold on to what you gave me with the last message you sent.”
“What did I give you?” I whisper.
“Purpose, Juliet,” he whispers back. “You gave me purpose when I wasn’t so sure I had one.”
My eyes close, and I’m made aware tears have fallen when the heat of Noah’s thumbs meet my skin, shocking me, warming me.
Soothing me?
My lids fly open, locking with his.
His touch halts, but it doesn’t leave.
The calendar falls, and my hands press against his chest.
I jolt, but then I flatten them there. His heart ticks against my palm, and my pulse follows his lead. It starts stuttering, slow, and with each passing second, the rhythm picks up and up, and my eyes rise with it.
Noah’s fingers twitch against my hair, and he swallows.
I rise onto my toes and his features pull.
“Juliet…” he rasps. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, his lips so close now.
“I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“How do you feel about me?”
He says nothing, so I look up, and when I do, suddenly, his silence makes sense.
Noah doesn’t have to say a word, the truth is written all over him.
He couldn’t hide it if he tried, and I think he might be trying…
Noah
* * *
Goddamn it, she’s gorgeous, perfect.
Here.
She came to me in anger, found me on memory, and now stares at me with need.
But my baby has no idea what she needs when the answer, while hard to find, is so simple.
It’s one word, one thing.
It’s me.
The ache in her voice, it cuts me. It’s fucking killing me.
How do I feel about her?
My knuckles run up her cheek, my palm flattening against it a moment later, and she blinks slowly.
I love you, baby. Every part of you.
I love the way you link life to lyrics, how you smile at the moon and love like the ocean, far and wide, and without apology. I love how selfless you are, how honest and kind, even though life hasn’t been so kind to you lately. I love how you try to be brave for your family, because you don’t want them to hurt, even when doing so hurts you a little.
I love you so much I want to come home to you, wake beside you and spend a lifetime worshipping you. I want the house you spoke of and the family in your dreams. I don’t only want to be the man you need, but the one you want. The one you can’t live without. I want to love you for a lifetime, and even more after that.
But most of all, I just want the chance to make you mine again.
Because I’m yours. Always.
No matter what.
“Noah,” she rasps, and I blink back to now.
To the vulnerable girl standing before
me, confused by the way her heart beats when she’s close to me, and understanding exactly what it is she’s feeling while she is.
She feels safe and calm. She’s at peace and taken aback by the fact that she senses no need to run, how she knows she has no reason to.
Because with me, she’s home.
I am home for you, baby. Please remember...
Ari takes a deep breath. “Do something for me?”
“Anything.”
“Show me how you feel about me,” she pleads.
My gut curls, but my mind beams with light.
She nibbles on her lip. “I know I’m messed up and—”
“You’re not messed up.”
“Nothing has felt real since I woke up, but being here…” Hesitantly, her hand glides up, and it doesn’t stop. “I can’t explain it.”
My blood pumps wildly, every muscle in my body contracting. “I made you a promise once.”
“What promise?”
“Never to deny you, so I need you to think really hard about your next move, because I’m not strong enough to be a better man here. A promise to you is something I will never break, even if you don’t remember me making it, but I’m not sure if this is me being noble or if it’s being selfish.” My hand lowers, my thumb gliding along her lower lip. She shivers and heat spreads through me. “You should walk away, Juliet.”
“I don’t want to.” Tears fill her eyes, and her head lowers, so I meet her forehead with mine. As slowly as possible, she presses her lips to the corner of mine, and holds there for a long moment.
I can hardly fucking breathe, hardly keep my hands from driving into her hair, but I somehow manage to keep myself still.
When she finally pulls back, it’s with the softest of smiles. “Do you think we can maybe talk for a little while?”
Possibility sends a spark through my chest and the muscles in my neck stretch. “Always. As long as you want.”
I thought maybe she’d lead us to the living room, but she simply lowers to the floor, leaning her back against my bed, so I do the same, mine against the wall across from her, and wait.
Ari
* * *
Noah stares as I pull my legs up and drop my chin against my knees.
“Tell me something,” I ask.
A tenderness blankets him, and he looks down, biting back a smile as if he has a secret, and suddenly, I want to know all of his.
With humor in his gaze, he meets mine. “What do you want to know?”
“Everything.”
His eyes pierce mine, and I swear they grow glossy, but in the next moment, they’re clear and enthralled by me.
Noah smiles and something in my chest stirs.
He starts speaking, and I hang on his every word.
Chapter 50
Arianna
* * *
It was well after midnight when my brother finally decided he could no longer hold back and called Noah. I met him at the bottom of the stairs, and we piled into his Tahoe, Chase and the others already tucked inside.
We didn’t speak much on the ride back to the beach house, and by the time we arrived, everyone was ready for bed.
Once again, I didn’t get much sleep, the events of the day looping through my mind, thoughts of what might have happened whirling around. It’s hard, not knowing if what I see is a memory or a twisted fantasy that stems from the desperate need to know I find myself burning in.
By the time the sun rises, I’m already getting out of the shower and heading straight for the first place I felt the need to be.
As I suspected, she’s up and spots me through the bay window.
With a small smile, Payton pushes open the door, her hair a messy pile on her head, her eyes tired.
“Ari, hi.” She ushers me in, retaking her place at the counter, where she’s mixing a bottle for her son. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I… Payton.”
Her eyes lift to mine.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” She frowns.
When I pin her with a knowing look, she sighs, walks over and wraps her arms around me.
“Trust me, Ari. I understand.”
I nod, squeezing her back and blowing out a long breath when she lets go.
“Any chance you could use a little more sleep?”
Nerves swim through me as her steps pause, and she glances over her shoulder. But then she walks to me. “I could use an uninterrupted shower…”
Chewing at my lip, I nod, take the bottle from Payton’s hands and curve around the corner.
I step up to the bassinet, quickly turning to Payton before she’s gone.
“Payton.”
She halts.
“Thank you.”
With a small smile, she nods, and then she disappears down the hall.
I run my hands along the edge of the plush blue blanket, and as my face comes into view, Deaton’s eyes find me.
“Hey, buddy,” I whisper, chuckling when he kicks his feet.
With a deep breath, I gently lift him into my arms, his little cooing sounds warming parts of me I was afraid to feel.
As I lower into the rocking chair with him in my arms, moisture builds in my eyes, but it’s not from sadness. I’m not really sure what it’s from. All I know is that the baby in my arms is precious. He latches onto the bottle with ease, his hands coming up to cover mine as if he’s determined to hold the thing himself, and a low laugh leaves me.
“Already trying to be a man.”
I look over to find my brother stepping through the kitchen.
“Hey.” I squint, looking him over. “I didn’t know you were up.”
He nods, comes to sit beside me, and as soon as Deaton spots him, he smiles around the nipple of the bottle. Mason chuckles. “What’s up, my man?”
“Or maybe you didn’t know I was up. Mase?”
He shrugs, falling into the chair on the couch beside me. “I walk over in the mornings sometimes. Parker’s gone for work a lot and Kenra stays busy too.”
My eyes narrow, but he says nothing else.
Mason looks from the baby to me, his features softening. “I was wondering when you’d make it down here.”
“Yeah,” I whisper, running my fingers over Deaton’s soft hair. “Me too.”
Holding an infant brings a sense of peace like nothing else can. It’s as if time slows, and your lungs open beyond their ability. It’s like holding your breath and breathing deep at the same time, an unmatchable warmth that fills you from head to toe.
“You okay?” my brother whispers.
“I am,” I answer honestly, my hand tingling as I run the pad of my thumb over the baby’s soft cheeks. “I wish I would have spent more time with him over the last few weeks.”
I look to my brother, and he nods, but a small frown builds as he stares at the little boy in my arms. “If you did, it uh, might make it a little harder for you to leave tomorrow.”
“Is it?” I wonder.
He looks to me.
“Is it going to be harder for you to leave tomorrow?”
Mason’s chest rises, but again, speaks not a word, and worry washes over me.
“Mase…” I shake my head. “She’s not ready.”
“I know.” His eyes fall to Deaton.
Several minutes go by, and it’s not until I’m lowering the baby into his bassinet, sound asleep, that Mason speaks again.
“What are you going to do, Ari?” he asks. “About Noah and Chase?”
Shaking my head, I turn to him. “I don’t know.”
“What’s your heart telling you?”
Shame falls over me as I whisper, “That I want what I always have and that maybe it’s finally mine.”
“That he is finally yours, you mean?” I look down and he continues, “I know you, and I know learning a little bit about you and Noah has made things harder for you.”
“I just… I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
Mason si
ghs, a gentleness falling over him. “I know you don’t, but no matter what happens, someone gets hurt, sister. It’s inevitable.”
“Yeah, I know.”
My parents have always said you should follow your heart, that it will never lead you astray, but mine’s malfunctioning.
Because if your heart is the leader, your body and mind should fall in line.
Mine have not, and I have no idea what to do about it.
Cam and I spend the day unpacking while my mom works her magic in our little kitchen, restocking and organizing all the crap we simply tossed into the cupboards in a hurry. She cooks steaks and mashed potatoes, and the boys come over for our first dinner back.
A few hours later, once everyone has gone home, I lock myself in my room.
I open my window to better hear the pitter patter of the rain and pull the calendar from under my bed before settling on top of it.
You can do this.
I give myself a little pep talk, and then I flip it back to September.
Outside of a few test reminders and game day reminders, as if I needed them, there isn’t much, so I flip to the next page.
My mouth falls open, and I draw it closer to my face.
After the first week, there’s at least two days colored in, little hints to plans I had made written in. Plans I have no idea if I followed through with or not, but the little doodles on the notes section in the bottom makes me think I did. But then I turn the page again, and I nearly lose my breath. October was nothing compared to November.
Cooking with Noah.
Movie night with Noah.
Road trip with Noah.
Noah’s game.
About halfway through the month, I stopped writing in his name, but the plans look very much the same. The entire month is filled, the doodles on the bottom of unrecognizable foods and familiar movie lines, a mountain and splashes of water.
Of hearts with smiley faces.
I turn to December, and there’s a pull in my chest.
I shake my head, reading over everything, and unease coils around my shoulders when a few days in, it begins to look very different.
The words ‘I’m sorry’ are scribbled a few times, broken hearts and small flames littering the edges.
Say You Swear Page 45