by Dean Murray
**
The near fight between Isaac and Vincent and then Alec's intervention seemed to be the buzz for the next two hours. It appeared that a lot of other people felt the same way that I did. Alec was plenty prickly and stuck up, but that was nothing compared to how much the average student hated Vincent, who seemed to delight in making everyone's life miserable.
The teachers seemed curiously ignorant of everything. Nobody else seemed to think that was unusual, which freaked me out almost as much as Ben having nearly gone over the stairs.
At least I didn't have to listen to all of the gossip during lunch. Once I'd been able to hobble down the stairs, I'd made my way to Mr. Whethers' room, and I'd spent the entire lunch break studying.
I hadn't been especially excited at the prospect of spending that long by myself, but the cafeteria was all the way on the other side of the school. Limping over there listening to Vincent run his mouth and then coming all the way back here for History wouldn't be worth it.
History being what it was, I probably heard about as much in that one hour as most everyone else did during the whole rest of the day. Mr. Simms seemed especially dense, and pretty much let everyone do whatever they wanted for the entire class.
In deference to my new dedication to academic excellence, I finished up the reading, and then opened up my Biology book and started trying to get a handle on all of the items I'd thought I understood, but apparently hadn't.
When the bell rang I limped back to my locker before making my painful way to Physics. I almost turned around and left when I saw the substitute again, but almost two decades of ingrained respect for authority figures propelled me into the room and to my seat.
I happened to look up at the exact moment that Alec appeared in the doorway. I expected him to take one look at the sub and turn around like he'd done before, but he registered the presence of a substitute and then came inside regardless.
It didn't make sense until the first girl all but fainted as he walked past her desk. Of course. He didn't like substitutes, and figured he had better places to be, but the draw of hero worship after having almost double-teamed Vincent was just too much to resist.
The sub took a desultory roll, and then waved his hands at us. "Her notes say you're all supposed to be able to work on some kind of group project. Just keep it to a dull roar."
It was like releasing a bunch of kids in a candy store and telling them to sample whatever they wanted. Every single girl in the classroom but me made an instant beeline towards Alec's desk. The guys were a little slower, but not by much. For a while I tried to ignore all of the poorly disguised gushing about how brave Alec was, or attempts by the guys to recreate exactly what Alec would've done if Vincent had gone ahead and thrown a punch.
After fifteen minutes I finally gave up, closed my book and flipped open my notebook. Our physics class was about the most sedate, nerdy group of people I'd yet met. If they were this worked up about the fight, it was a good thing I didn't share any other classes with Alec. The rest of the school must be three or four times as bad.
Sketching helped block out all of the inane conversation that'd taken over the other corner of the room. It was amazing how easily I was able to zone out while drawing. Once again, I didn't try to guide my hand, just let my subconscious create a horizon and start fleshing out a body of water and droopy trees around it.
The sound of a hand coming down hard on a desk pulled me from my refuge. "I told you all to keep it to a dull roar. I want everyone back to your seats."
A couple people looked like they wanted to give the sub a hard time, but these were all the kids who were hoping to make it into the top ten percent of their graduating class. None of them really had a disobedient bone in their body. They grudgingly returned to their seats and left Alec by himself.
I picked my pencil back up and started drawing again, only to be disturbed by someone clearing their throat. Alec was looking down at me with something almost like a smile playing at the corner of his lips. For a second I couldn't blame the other girls for swarming him over. He was so attractive it was hard to remember he was such a jerk.
I forced myself to stop wondering if anyone else in the entire world had such incredibly blue eyes, and tilted my head to the side questioningly.
"Sorry, I can tell you're not really in the mood to work on our project, especially with all of the racket today, but I saw you limping down the stairs just before lunch. Are you okay?"
It was almost convincing. If he hadn't mentioned the stairs, and thereby the fight, I might have fallen for it, but he was just looking for more attention.
"I'll be okay. Just a little sprain."
Alec looked like he wanted to say something else, but finally nodded and sat down in the next chair over. It wasn't as good as if he'd gone all the way back to his seat, and it was extremely out of character, but it was better than nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't going to continue fishing for compliments, and returned to my drawing. I knew I should open my books back up and study, but it was starting to take shape, and I figured it was only a few minutes away from becoming recognizable. Once that happened my meager drawing skills would evaporate and I'd have to stop anyways. For whatever reason every time I tried to work on something after I realized what it was, I completely ruined it. One of many reasons why I'd never really pursued drawing.
A short time later I surfaced again and looked down to find a familiar landscape. The body of water had morphed into an oblong pond with a crescent island positioned almost exactly in the center. I still remembered the first time I'd been told a monster had taken a bite out of the island, and that was the reason it was so oddly shaped.
The trees were all familiar too. I'd climbed each and every one of them at least once. The one on the right had taken the longest to conquer. I'd tried climbing it dozens of times over the years before finally making it to the top when I was thirteen. When I'd finally made it as high as I figured was safe, I'd worked my trembling way back down to the ground, and never felt even the slightest inclination to climb it again.
I felt tears start to gather at the corner of my eyes as I remembered all of the good times our family had spent together there. It was like being immersed in everything I'd loved only to have it evaporate when I went to grab my surroundings.
"Hey, that's really pretty good. Is that a real place?"
I nodded, hoping Alec would take the hint implied in my silence. I should have known better.
"What's it called?"
The name slid out of me almost of its own accord. "Monster Lake."
Every single birthday I could remember had involved some kind of trip out to Monster Lake. Picnics had swapped off with treasure hunts and then been replaced by other activities depending on Dad's mood and my age. My subconscious had keyed in on the one scene guaranteed to make me feel miserable.
"Was that close to your house in Minnesota? I..."
Whatever else Alec was saying was lost to the roar in my ears, caused as always by my racing heart. I didn't even have a chance to try and fight the attack. By the time I realized I was in trouble, papers were flying off my desk and the floor was racing up to meet me.
Rather than swimming around in blackness like I normally did when collapsed, this time there was just nothing. One second I was falling, the next I was opening my eyes and looking up at Alec.
"Stand back, everyone, and let me through!"
It took a few seconds to realize the sub was the one yelling. Nobody seemed very interested in making room for him. The reason it took so long for my brain to start working again was that I couldn't seem to think about anything other than Alec.
He was looking down at me with an expression I'd never seen on his face before. I still couldn't read it, but it was new and somehow seemed like it belonged there more than his normal impenetrable mask.
"What's going on? Is she okay?" The sub had finally pushed his way through the crowd, and looked like he was about two steps away f
rom a total panic.
Alec stood, and it wasn't until I went up at the same time that I realized he was carrying me. "I think she'll be fine, but maybe I should get her to the nurse. Just to be sure." Even as he was talking, Alec was moving towards the door.
"There's really no need. I'm fine. I don't need to see the nurse." It was obvious he was going to ignore me. I tried to thrash around enough for him to put me down, but he restrained my arms with a couple of fingers. The motion was so casual I was pretty sure nobody even realized he'd pinned my arms to my stomach with surprising strength.
I thought about kicking, or even screaming, but that would just leave me feeling like a child and give Alec exactly the kind of attention he was probably hoping for.
"You hit your head pretty hard; I really think we should get you to the office. Sir, with your permission?"
The comment about hitting my head settled me down. It wasn't until we were out in the hall that I realized my head didn't hurt. That was probably a really bad sign.
"Let go of my hands."
Alec unpinned my arms, set me down, and then chuckled as I started gingerly probing my scalp. "What are you doing? You didn't actually hit your head. I caught you before you hit the ground."
I started to shake my head and then thought better of it. "Please, every other time I've dropped that quickly I've totally banged myself up. You were on the other side of my desk, there's no way you got all the way around it and managed to catch me before I hit the ground."
The mild amusement on Alec's face froze into something else. "Believe what you will. There's no reason to worry about a concussion."
"Then why did you tell the sub I'd hit my head?"
He looked away for a moment, almost as though deciding whether or not to tell the truth. "I presumed you wouldn't want to stay and be subject to everyone's questions. You seem not to like people prying about your attacks, and you were less happy than usual today. I thought you could use the break."
Apparently he'd decided against the truth option. "I looked unhappy today? You, who never crack a smile unless you're going to get something out of it, were concerned about the fact I wasn't all smiles and giggles? Maybe you should flunk a test or two. Only it doesn't really count unless your dad, you know, the one who used to make your birthdays really special, is gone."
Alec's mouth opened, closed, and then assumed its normal place in his unreadable mask. He reached out, almost consolingly, but I stepped away before he could make contact.
I knew I should shut up before I said something really unreasonable, but my anger was in the driver's seat now. "Don't try and pretend you're sorry. You were just looking for an excuse to get out of class once all of the hero worship dried up. Well I got you out and you helped me avoid all of the stupid questions everyone would've asked, so we're even."
There was another flicker of something I couldn't quite read in Alec's eyes, but I was long past caring. I turned and limped off, wishing my ankle was in better shape so I could properly stomp.
Spanish arrived much too soon. Since I hadn't gotten in trouble wandering the halls so far, it was a definite temptation to skip the last hour of school too. Unfortunately my luck was bound to give out sooner or later, and then I'd be in even more trouble. The last thing I needed was a record of delinquency to go along with my failing grade in Biology.
Mrs. Tiggs was positively glowing as we all walked into her classroom. She popped out of her chair as soon as the bell rang, and began handing out graded tests. My world started trembling as I turned my test over and saw an 'F' at the top of the page.
'Come see me after class.'
The note felt like the final nail in the coffin of my academic future. My efforts to focus were entirely wasted. It took everything I had just to hold myself together until class ended.
I'd planned on remaining in my seat until everyone else left, but Mrs. Tiggs motioned me to her desk while half the class was still filing out the door.
"It gives me no pleasure to tell you this, but based on your initial test score I think you should prepare yourself for the fact that you're probably going to fail this class. I worried this would be the result of your starting so late in the semester and not having any prior Spanish experience. Unfortunately, it's now too late for you to switch into another class. I'm afraid you'll just have to take the failing grade."
I stood there woodenly for several seconds, unsure whether or not she was through. She finally made a shooing motion and turned back to grading papers. Predictably, there were still a half-dozen other kids in the classroom. They all turned back to the door and started filing out again, but by tomorrow half the school would know exactly how badly I'd just been humiliated.
I found myself just outside the tutor lab with no recollection of having stumbled to my locker, or going by Physics to grab the stuff I'd left there. Still, somehow my Spanish book had disappeared, replaced by my math book. My knees started shaking as I entered the room, but I made it safely to my normal table before they gave out.
"Adri, Adriana? Excuse me." I didn't recognize the girl standing across from me, but based on her uncomfortable expression and the fact that more than one person had turned for the sole purpose of watching us out of the corner of their eyes, she'd been standing there longer than I'd realized.
Apparently my looking up was enough of a response for her to proceed. "I've got a note from Mrs. Campbell. She asked me to deliver it to you."
I managed something that could just barely be construed as a thank you, took the note, and watched her leave. A note from a teacher, even one I liked, didn't seem very important when weighed against failing two of my six classes.
The reoccurring thought of how horrified my Dad would've been that his daughter, 'the smart one,' was going to flunk out of high school was enough to keep me constantly on the edge of a panic attack. The longer that went on the less ability, and even more dangerous, the less desire I'd have to try and fight it off.
I finally opened up the note more out of a need for a distraction than any real inclination to find out what it contained.
Adriana. I'm afraid I've been called into a surprise meeting with the school administration. Normally I wouldn't cancel the tutoring session, but Albert and Peter are both out, and it wouldn't be fair to leave you all by yourself to try and take care of everyone. Go ahead and tell everyone the tutoring session is canceled, and I'll see you tomorrow.
--Nora Campbell
I sat motionless for several seconds before realizing this was the out I needed. If I could pull myself together enough to cancel the lab, I could go home and self-destruct without ruining the scattered shards left of my life.
"The lab has been canceled for today. I'm sorry, everyone, but most of the tutors are sick and Mrs. Campbell had to go to a meeting after school. Everything should be back to normal tomorrow though."
I expected everyone to jump to their feet and all but run out of the room. I didn't expect what I actually got.
"Who are you and why on earth should we believe you? The last thing I want to do is go home and get in trouble for cutting tutoring again."
I opened my mouth to answer, but words wouldn't make their way past the trembling in my chest. I felt tears start threatening to arrive and further humiliate me, but Rachel came to my rescue.
"She's one of the tutors. Patty Sanders, who I happen to know has Mrs. Campbell's class sixth period, just gave her a note. Stay if you want, but she's done exactly what she was supposed to."
I wanted to give Rachel a big hug, or maybe just break into tears right then and there. I managed to just give her a smile, and hold off on the tears until I'd gathered up my stuff and made it out of the room.
Rachel caught up with me before I made it very far. "Adriana, are you okay? Don't you want a ride home?"
I turned towards her to respond and just broke down. She pulled me into an open classroom and gave me a hug while I tried to explain about the two failed tests, my birthday, and how much I missed m
y Dad and Cindi.
The last bit was especially garbled. I was pretty sure she wasn't getting any of it, but that didn't matter. All that mattered was I was finally able to tell someone. I never really got myself under control; my sobs just subsided enough for me to tell Rachel I wanted to go home.
Isaac was standing right outside the classroom door, and unobtrusively helped Rachel get me to his car where she jumped into the back with me. Even through the haze of tears I could tell he wasn't happy about the seating arrangement, but once again Rachel showed the kind of iron will she'd demonstrated with James. Almost before I knew it we were rolling to a stop in my driveway. I fumbled, for the latch, but Rachel put a hand on my arm before I could get the door open. She handed me a white-wrapped package with a shy smile.
"Hang in there. Oh, and happy birthday. Don't open it now, but I hope you like it."
I whispered thanks as I hugged her goodbye, and then made my halting, limping way into the house. I was only in the house for fifteen minutes before I realized being all by myself was a terrible idea.
At some point I transitioned from just crying to having a full-blown panic attack. It should've terrified me that something new was bringing on an episode, but it was like there was so much else going wrong I couldn't spare any more emotional energy.
I came out of the attack and remained on the floor thinking about all of the good times I'd had with Dad and Cindi. The memories should have made me feel better, but they had the opposite effect. I felt the tears start again as I realized all that goodness and joy was gone from my life forever. As my immunity started to wear off, I gratefully surrendered to the next attack, and the blissful relief it represented.
I knew I was on track to drop back into the funk that'd robbed me of the weeks immediately after they died, but I was still strangely numb in the parts that should have cared.
It seemed like I was on my third iteration, but it might have been the fourth or fifth. I was too detached to care. The knock on the door at least brought me back to myself enough to wonder how long I'd been on the floor.
My ankle hurt so bad, it was all I could do to get myself standing and then hobble the fifteen feet to the door.
When I finally managed to get the door open and found empty space where there should have been a person, I almost swore. Then I saw the incredibly beautiful rose on our porch.
I picked it up, trimmed the bottom inch or so off with a knife, and got it into some water acting out of nothing more than pure habit. Dad had always kept at least a pair of rose bushes alive. He'd loved nothing more than giving Mom roses.
Once I'd safely done my part to help prolong the future life of the gorgeous specimen, I got down to really examining it. I was far from an expert on roses, but I'd looked through pictures of hundreds of different kinds of tea roses, and never seen anything quite like this one. It was as big as some of the largest specimens I'd seen, and had at least fifty percent more petals than most of the 'very full' varieties I was familiar with.
That in and of itself was pretty amazing, but nothing in comparison to the petals themselves.
They were the purest white edged in a breathtaking purple. Equally amazing was just how velvety they were. They looked like the softest thing in the world, and cried out to be touched.
I expected to be disappointed as I leaned in. Most of the prettiest roses aren't actually very fragrant. This one proved a surprise. The normal scent I'd come to associate with roses was there, with the slightest hint of something new, something better than anything I'd ever been exposed to.
I leaned in even closer in an attempt to drink in the fragrance, and heard the rustle of expensive paper as I brushed the note that had been attached to the rose with a simple green ribbon. My name was elegantly scrawled along the outside face in a script I'd only seen one other place.
After a moment's hesitation, I unfolded the parchment.
Your birthday should be a time of happiness. I've spent months looking for a name for this flower, and at the point of giving up, inspiration struck today. Lagrimas del Angel always come at too high a cost. Nothing so exquisite could be otherwise. Please don't despair.
--@
The hand-drawn symbol on the bottom of the page was so familiar it almost felt like a part of me now. He'd saved our house, got Mom a job, and then given me the best birthday present I could've asked for.
I felt my insides clench and knot, but this time it was happiness that brought tears to my eyes. My wavering vision was just up to making out the outline of Rachel's present where I'd left it on the table.
Feeling incredibly ungrateful and thoughtless, I limped over to the table and tore open the delicate wrapping paper. It was a copy of the latest Les Misérables movie, complete with the score from the most recent Broadway production, and a signed picture of the entire cast.
Mom still wasn't home by the time it got dark, but I went to bed truly happy for the first time in ages. Rachel was the best friend a girl could wish for, and Brandon had come through in spades.