by M J Hardy
You see, our whole relationship was filled with anxiety from the start. I was afraid of losing him so let the odd cruel comment slide. They started coming more often, and he caught me out on many things I had done wrong. The burnt dinner as I chatted on the phone. The birthday card I forgot to post and the childhood trophy I smashed into pieces by accident. I began to think I was clumsy because whatever I did ended badly. His pristine white shirts dyed pink from a top of mine caught in the wash. Shredding a valuable document by accident and leaving water marks on the polished furniture. It was always my fault, and I deserved the cutting remarks and character slurs.
However, I didn’t. Nobody deserves to be made to feel as worthless as I do. In the early days, I challenged him. There were many raised voices and terrible arguments that lasted for days. Sex was the only way out of them and it’s that part of me I hate the most. The part that craves his touch and longs for his approval. As I said, he’s an impressive man, and any attention was worth more than no attention.
Soon he started to dominate me in every way. He started to control every part of my life, starting in the bedroom. At first, it was fun to play games and try different things. Then it spilled over to our everyday life and now he controls every part of me 24/7.
I feel disgusted with the whole situation. I hate myself for becoming this weak-willed woman, with no backbone to fight back like I know I should. As I said before, to everyone else I have it all. I wish I could just walk away because I would rather have nothing than this tainted life of mine.
We reach home and my heart sinks as Richard says over his shoulder, “I’m taking a shower. Make sure you tidy up before you have yours.”
He kicks off his trainers and heads upstairs, leaving me to put them in the laundry room to be cleaned and put away.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see the postman deliver the mail next door and head outside to see what he’s got for us. However, when I check the mailbox on the wall outside, it’s empty which strikes me as odd. It has been for the last few days which is unusual. There is always post, whether it’s a circular or a bill, there’s always something.
I see Gloria my neighbour and she waves and says brightly, “Hey, Sarah. Still sticking to the regime, I see.”
Looking down at my running vest covered in perspiration, I smile. “Yes, it’s good for you. Maybe you should try it.”
She laughs loudly. “Listen, honey. I have the fittest personal trainer in the world who visits me at home three times a week. Let’s just say he pushes me hard and I need the remaining days to recover.”
She winks as she grabs her mail. “You know, I could get you his number if you like. I can highly recommend him.”
Shaking my head, I roll my eyes. “No thanks, I have more than enough to keep me busy.”
She laughs. “I should say so. You hit the jackpot with Richard you lucky girl. Anyway, it’s at least eight hours before we’re due at Sally’s. I need to get ready.”
Her laughter floats across the manicured lawn, framed by sweet smelling, herbaceous borders. As I look around, it strikes me that Richmond Avenue is impressive. There is nothing out of place and it almost looks like a film set. Even the flowers looked staged. The woodwork is pristine and mainly painted white. The grass is cut about an inch all over and the concrete clean and free from weeds or marks.
Nothing about life in Richmond Avenue seems real. Pretty houses and fancy cars sit proudly outside. Any children around these parts are well behaved and kept mainly indoors. It doesn’t seem normal and I wonder when this perfection started to disturb me. As I think of Gander Green lane, my heart settles a little. Nothing is perfect there but everything is perfect. To me, anyway.
As soon as I get inside, I place my soaked running clothes in the laundry basket and wrap myself in my robe ready to shower. As I head upstairs, I have to pass through the dressing room to reach the shower. I see Richard with a towel wrapped around his waist while towel drying his hair. He straightens up and I hate the way my body reacts to the sight of him. It betrays me every time and is the main reason why I’m as weak as I am.
Trying to distract him, I say with surprise. “You know, Richard, we haven’t had any mail in days. It’s unusual, do you think something’s happened?”
He looks up and shrugs. “I had it redirected.”
A cold feeling creeps through me and I stutter, “What do you mean?”
He shakes his head and says angrily, “I set up a redirection to the office. After that little stunt you pulled the other day, I can’t trust you to be honest about what arrives here. This way, I get to check that nothing is being kept from me.”
My heart starts thumping, and I say shakily, “You can’t do that. It’s against the law to tamper with mail.”
He looks at me furiously and I start to shake inside as he crosses the small room quickly and grabs my wrist hard. He says coldly, “You have made me into this person, Sarah and if you don’t like it, you only have yourself to blame. I need to be able to trust my wife and here I am having to monitor your every move because you keep on hiding things from me.”
His grip is biting into my wrist and I try to pull away which angers him more.
He pulls me roughly against him and grabs hold of my hair, pulling it tight. Then he snarls, “You will get your mail when I get home at night. You can open it yourself in front of me and then we will have no secrets. I am saving you from yourself and you need to understand that everything I do is with your best interests in mind. So, what do you say, Sarah?”
I say fearfully, “Thank you, Richard.”
He pushes me away and I stumble against the wall. My wrists hurt and the tears well up in my eyes. Richard just carries on getting ready and says dismissively, “You need to shower; I can smell you from here.”
Quickly, I head to the shower and close the door, hoping he leaves me to it. There are no locks on the doors in this house, he saw to that. I have no privacy at all and he walks in unannounced even when I’m using the toilet with no regard for privacy. Consequently, I don’t hang around and make short work of washing the sweat and fear from my body, before grabbing the robe from the hook on the door.
When I enter the dressing room, I’m happy to see he has left and I sit on the bench, shaking. I shouldn’t be surprised about the mail. In fact, I should be more surprised that he didn’t think of it sooner.
Once again, I wonder how much longer I can go on. I need to get away from here and fast but I have nowhere to go. My family have made it clear they want no part of my life and any friends I had before have long since faded away. Richard didn’t like them and made it difficult for me to see them. The only friends we have are the neighbours and his office colleagues. I have no money because he controls all the bank accounts and gives me a small amount each week for the necessities. The credit cards are in his name and even my wages get paid into his account. My phone is on a contract with his and my car is in his name.
It’s always just been easier to get through the day and hope things change. The worse thing is, I fantasise about him having an accident on the way home from work. The sight of a police car at my door would fill me with happiness rather than sorrow. Sad really, when the only way out is to wish him to die.
The rest of the day is spent like every other Saturday. I clean the house from top to bottom and Richard hides away in his study. Occasionally, he ventures out to check my work by running a finger along a door frame or pointing out some dust in the corner that has escaped the hoover.
I make us lunch and we sit together at the table overlooking the street, while he tells me why everybody who lives here is beneath us.
It’s almost with a sigh of relief that I get ready to head out to Sally’s house for the evening. At least we will be among company and can pretend we’re normal just like everyone else.
Chapter Four
Jealousy, that dragon which slays love under the pretence of keeping it alive. Havelock Ellis
Sally and Crispin live i
n a large, white, house, similar to ours. As soon as we knock on the door, it swings open and Sally yells, “Here they are, my favourite neighbours.”
She says this to everyone, so we smile politely and hand her the bottle of wine we brought with us. Crispin slaps Richard on the back and says loudly, “Good to see you, come and get a beer.”
I watch with relief as he drags Richard off and Sally links her arm in mine. “That’s got rid of them. Come on, I’ll fill your glass full tonight, honey, you look as if you need it.”
I can’t argue with that and allow her to pull me among the other wives who are sitting in the garden enjoying the last of the day’s sunshine.
I take a seat among them and go through the motions of pretending everything’s alright. Gloria leans over and whispers, “Hey, you see Angela over there.”
I look across and see one of the other neighbours looking a little worse for alcohol already.
She says in a low tone, “Word is, Vincent’s having an affair with their nanny. Not very original but apparently Angela caught them when she came home early from Yoga.”
I say in a shocked voice, “That’s terrible, what did she do?”
Gloria shakes her head. “Took to the bottle – again.”
“What about the nanny?”
Gloria sneers. “Still there. You know Angela. The thought of her husband having it away with the hired help is just an inconvenience because if she had to actually look after her own children, she would be in rehab quicker than she could uncork the next bottle.”
I stare at Angela in amazement and say sadly, “The poor woman.”
Gloria snorts. “Don’t feel sorry for her, honey. She told me she was enjoying playing with her new pool boy. They’re as bad as each other and will never change. What’s the point in staying married when they obviously can’t stand each other?”
My heart flutters and I try to look as normal as possible. “Yes, why indeed?”
I catch Richard’s eye and he smiles sexily across the room, making Gloria sigh beside me. “On the other hand, there’s the two of you. Love’s young dream and the envy of us bored housewives everywhere. You’re the lucky one, Sarah. You give hope to the rest of us.”
I bite my tongue because she couldn’t be further from the truth. The trouble is, Richard has perfected the happy couple routine over the years. He is attentive, caring and kind in company and the complete opposite when the door closes on the world. Nobody would believe me if I told them what really went on behind the closed doors.
It must be about thirty minutes later, we hear someone tapping a glass and calling for hush. I look in surprise as James Clyde says loudly, “Attention everyone, Jenny and I have an announcement to make.”
Gloria says in a low voice, “No prizes for guessing what this is all about.”
My heart sinks as I sense another battle heading my way if this is what I think it is.
James puts his arm around his wife and beams proudly. “We heard a few days ago we’ll be welcoming a new addition to our family in eight months’ time. Jenny and I are pregnant.”
Gloria snorts loudly and luckily the noise of congratulations drowns it out, as everyone adds their voices to their neighbours in congratulating the proud couple. I daren’t look but catch Richard’s eye and my heart sinks. He looks determined and I know where this is heading.
I try to shake the ominous feeling aside and join the others wishing our friends luck and happiness for their future. A little later, I get a moment with Jenny and smile at her happily. “I’m so happy for you both.”
She positively beams. “I can’t believe it, Sarah. We’ve been trying for so long and had so many failed attempts I thought it was never going to happen. It just goes to show you should never give up.”
She looks across at Richard and sighs. “I wish you would join us. Just think of the babies you’d have with a husband looking like that. We could share in the whole baby experience and our children would grow up together and be best friends.”
My heart sinks. The thought of bringing children into my volatile world isn’t worth thinking about. I know Richard is keen to start a family and I’ve always managed to dodge the issue. However, by the look on his face, my time is up.
He heads across and kisses Jenny on the cheek. “Congratulations. You will make wonderful parents.”
Jenny blushes prettily and I roll my eyes to myself. They all adore Richard and think I’m the luckiest woman alive. If only they knew.
James heads over and kisses her lovingly which makes me happy for her. Richard takes my hand and laughs softly. “You know, James. I think you’ll make a great father. Maybe Sarah and I should join you and we could compare notes.”
They look at us with excitement and Jenny says, “I’d love that. I was only just saying as much to Sarah.”
Richard pulls me to his side and says with determination. “We’ve been thinking of it for a while now and I don’t think we should put it off any longer. We could certainly have a lot of fun practicing.”
They all laugh and I smile politely but inside I’m dying a slow death. Not if I have anything to do with it.
The rest of the evening is spent discussing the new baby and I feel as if the walls are closing in on me.
By the time we say our farewells, I’m a nervous wreck.
Richard almost pulls me over in his haste to get home and my heart sinks as I sense another battle ahead.
As soon as we get inside, he races upstairs and I follow with trepidation. Then I watch in disbelief as he heads to my bedside drawer and empties the contents on the bed. He grabs all the packets of birth control I have and starts emptying them down the sink. Racing over, I pull on his arm and shout slightly hysterically, “Stop, what are you doing?”
He pushes me away and says darkly, “No more, Sarah. We’ve talked about this long enough. All the time you take protection you are denying me what I want the most. It’s your duty as my wife to provide me with a family and I’m putting my foot down.”
I feel the hysteria pushing away my better judgement and scream, “Stop, you don’t have the right to make my decision for me.”
He pushes me away sharply and I fall onto the bed and he shouts, “Enough. You will do as I say and no arguments. You’ve had long enough to come to terms with this and my patience has worn out.”
I watch with desperation as he flushes every last pill down the sink and then looks at me darkly. “Don’t think about ordering any more because I will find out. From now on you will be available whenever I call until my baby is inside you.”
He kneels on the bed and pushes me roughly down. His hand presses against my throat as he snarls, “How do you think I feel when all around me my friends are proving their manhood? It’s embarrassing when I see the pity in their eyes when once again it’s not us making the announcement? They probably think I’m not up to it, firing blanks and not able to give my wife what she desires. Well, not anymore. This time I’m insisting you do your duty and be the mother I want you to be.”
The tears slide from the corners of my eyes as he pulls me close and whispers, “You know I’m right, don’t you, baby. I know you’re scared but you don’t have to be. You’ll be the perfect mother as you are the perfect wife. I love you so much and want nothing more than to see my baby swelling your belly. I want everyone to see the love I have for you growing inside you. We will make wonderful babies darling and our lives will be complete. First thing on Monday morning you will hand in your notice at work. Then we will make sure you build yourself up with vitamins and rest to increase your chances of falling pregnant. I’ll be with you every step of the way my darling and you don’t have to worry about a thing.”
I feel his hand inch up my leg under my dress. He starts to stroke me through my panties and rubs his thumb against the thin silky material. Groaning, he shifts and pushes the thin fabric aside before pushing his own pants down. Then, with one hand holding me down, he enters me slowly and deliberately. He thrusts har
d and fast and growls. “I will make a woman of you, Sarah, just don’t challenge me. You know I love you and this is for your own good.”
I say nothing as he takes what he wants. There’s no point in resisting, it would only make things worse. Once again, I despise myself as I lie back and let him use me without putting up a fight. This is a sick and twisted marriage and it’s up to me to end it. The trouble is, I don’t know how?
Carry on reading The Girl on Gander Green Lane
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