Girl Online on Tour

by Zoe Sugg

“What was all that about?” I ask Noah, when everyone’s finally gone.

  “Oh, just typical Blake. He was threatening to play my guitar completely naked tonight.” Noah laughs softly.

  “Of course he was,” I say, lifting an eyebrow.

  “I’m so sorry, Penny.” Noah lifts my chin with his fingers and gives me a small smile.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I thought we’d have so much more time to spend together. But the tour is a lot more full-on than I’d ever imagined.” His hands drop from my chin and, instead, he runs them through his hair. “The press is becoming more and more interested in me—I have interviews flying in left and right, and I want this tour to be amazing for everyone, and for me. The reviews are all good, but I need them to stay that way. I want to practise twenty-four seven, and if I’m not practising or publicizing the tour I’m asleep. I feel exhausted already, and I’m only partway through.”

  “I know—” I try to reach out to him, to let him know that I understand how he feels, but it’s like a dam has broken and the words keep rushing out of Noah.

  “On top of that, I feel like this is such a weird time for me. I’m getting to do the one thing I’ve dreamt of since I was a kid, and I’m doing it with no family around me. I don’t get text updates from my mum and dad asking how the tour is going like the rest of the boys do. I don’t have parents to Skype every day, who look out for me, like yours do. Sadie Lee’s focus is on making sure that Bella is OK—I’m eighteen, I don’t need her as much as Bella does. It’s just me, on my own.” He slumps down into the sofa and starts tracing the music-note tattoo on his wrist. “But tonight . . . tonight, I promise that we can go out for dinner after the show. I owe it to you. I know I do.”

  “You don’t owe me anything, Noah. I love you! And you’re not on your own—you have me. I can do whatever it is that you want me to do. I want to make this easier for you. I just want you to be happy.”

  “I am happy, Penny. I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s just sad at the same time, you know?”

  I put my arm round him and pull him into me for a hug. Why hadn’t I seen that Noah wasn’t OK? It’s dawning on me just how much pressure Noah must be feeling right now.

  “Let me help you. What can I do for you?” I jump up off the sofa and look around the room.

  “Honestly, Penny. I don’t need you to do anything. Just being here is enough.”

  “No, there must be something. At least let me do something to help? One little thing . . .” I turn to the mini fridge and grab a fresh-fruit smoothie. I run and grab a glass from the table, and pour the smoothie into it. Then I slice a strawberry and wedge it onto the rim of the glass—a little smoothie cocktail that looks like something you’d order in a fancy hotel, topped off with a pretty straw.

  “Voilà!” I say, spinning round to reveal the smoothie to Noah. It’s as I’m taking a couple of steps towards him that I realize I don’t have control of my footing. I look down in horror to see one of my feet is caught behind the leg of a coffee table, and suddenly the floor is getting closer to my face. As I hit the ground, the smoothie flies through the air towards Noah. I see his face frozen in horror as the pink pulp splatters over his entire outfit.

  “NO! Oh no, Noah. I’M SO SORRY!” I leap up and start scraping the mess off his top with my hands.

  Noah’s expression is serious . . . until he bursts out into laughter. “That’s it! You’re getting a hug right now!” He opens his arms wide and takes a step forward towards me, his smoothie-covered chest looming.

  I squeal and run away, and we end up in a game of chase around the dressing room. He catches up with me when I get caught between the sofa and a stack of empty guitar cases, and he squeezes me tight. I cringe as the smoothie dregs are squished between us.

  He kisses the top of my head. “Hey, good thing all I own is black T-shirts, right? I’d better go change out of this.”

  He winks as he peels his T-shirt off, rooting through his bag for another. I can’t believe I can be the silliest, clumsiest person in the world and Noah still loves me, no matter what.

  In a fresh black top, Noah looks like the smoothie disaster never happened. He kisses me on the cheek and dashes out the door to get to the stage. A few moments later, I hear the crowd start to scream with delight.

  He’s in his element, and that’s all that matters to me.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  When I’ve cleaned up, I watch the rest of Noah’s set with Kendra and Selene from a little balcony in the wings of the stage—but I make sure to be back in the dressing room when Noah’s finished. I’m hoping that we can head out straightaway to go to dinner.

  My heart lifts as I see Noah walk in. His cheeks are red with exertion, but he has the biggest smile on his face. Dean follows not far behind, along with a man and woman I don’t recognize. Neither of them is dressed for a rock concert—in their matching grey suits and stiff white shirts, they look prepared for the boardroom, not backstage.

  “This is where I chill before and after the show.” Noah gestures around the room, then plunges his hands deep into his jeans pockets. Weirdly, he looks nervous. Normally he rides high on confidence after a show, so I’m intrigued as to who these people are.

  “Oh swell, that’s just swell,” the man chimes.

  The woman tries to hide the fact she’s wrinkling her nose slightly. It makes me laugh—I’m used to the smell of stinky boy musicians now.

  My giggle draws their attention. “Who is this?” the woman asks, looking at me. It’s clear she thinks I don’t belong. “Did you win a competition to be here, my dear?”

  “Er, no, this is Penny. She’s my—”

  “She’s a friend.” Dean steps in, drawing the group together so they’re standing in a circle, backs turned towards me. I can still see Noah’s face, but he is studiously avoiding my gaze.

  My stomach does a few flips. What’s going on?

  “So, Noah—Alicia and Patrick were wondering if they could take us out for dinner tonight, just to go through a few contract things with Sony, if that’s OK?” Dean’s voice is as smooth as silk.

  Things are starting to make more sense now. These are bigwigs from the label.

  Noah finally looks at me, his eyes filled with guilt, and then back at Dean, Alicia, and Patrick.

  Please say no, please say no, I plead silently, even though I can already see it’s a lost cause.

  “Yeah, sure, that’s fine!” Noah replies, and he even manages a smile. “I’m looking forward to it. It’s honestly very nice of you both to fly here for the night to see me. I know you must be crazy busy.”

  My heart sinks. Now it’s me who can’t look at Noah, and I pick furiously at a loose thread on the cushion of the sofa. Why hasn’t he introduced me as his girlfriend? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more invisible and uncomfortable in my life. I don’t look up even as they all leave the room together, not until I hear the click of the door closing.

  I get goose bumps, even though it’s warm inside the dressing room. Then I feel the sofa sag next to me—to my surprise, Noah’s stayed behind.

  He grabs my hand. “I’m sorry, Pen—”

  I don’t let him finish. “Honestly, it’s OK. You do what you need to do. It’s great that they came to see you.” I smile, but I hope it doesn’t look as forced as it feels.

  His eyes dart around my face, looking for cracks in my facade, but I don’t let my disappointment show. Not until he leaves again; then I feel the burn of tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I fight them back as I pack up my camera and laptop to head back to the hotel.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  There’s only one person I need right now. Back in my hotel room, I immediately Skype Elliot. As soon as he answers the call, I feel a swell of relief.

  “Penny, you’re lucky. I was just about to begin my evening pamper routine, starting with sorting out these talons.” A slightly pixelated Elliot appears, holding up his hands.


  “Elliot, this is an emergency!”

  “You went sightseeing finally?”

  “No . . . but thanks for the reminder.” I let out a huge sigh and put my head in my hands.

  “Whoa, Lady P. What’s up?”

  I bite my lip. Where to start? “You know how I haven’t had any time with Noah yet—how he’s either asleep, performing, or hanging out with the band? Well, we were supposed to go out for dinner this evening, but two people from his record label flew in from LA so he’s doing that instead.”

  “Well, that is a big deal . . .”

  “It’s not that. I’d understand if he needed to see his label. But . . . it was so weird. I was in the room with them, and he didn’t even introduce me as his girlfriend. I guess I’m a certified GUC.”

  “GUC?” asks Elliot.

  “Girlfriend Under Cover,” I explain. “It was like he felt embarrassed or ashamed of me.”

  Elliot frowns. “That is so unlike Noah. That’s not cool at all. I would have gone to dinner and pulled up a chair just to make a point.”

  I giggle despite myself. Elliot really would have done that. He has absolutely no shame.

  But even laughing with Elliot makes me sad. It reminds me how far away he is, when all I want is for us to be back in Brighton, chatting away in my bedroom like normal. I pull my knees up under my chin and give myself a hug. “Maybe he’s exhausted. Maybe he was in shock that they just turned up out of the blue like that? I mean, he can’t say no to a dinner with them, can he? I need to stop reading so much into this.”

  I watch as Elliot lets out a long sigh.

  “That’s a lot of maybes, Penny. You have done nothing wrong here. He invited you along on tour, remember? He told you there would be Magical Mystery Days in every city. He told you it wouldn’t be stressful, because it was his first tour, and that the team was great. He said he was so well rehearsed that he wouldn’t need to practise too much between shows. He wanted you there—it wasn’t the other way round. It’s OK to feel disappointed.”

  “But he didn’t realize how busy it would get with the press . . . and people just showing up for dinner isn’t his fault. It must be hard for him doing this.” Then I shake my head. “I just feel like I may as well not be here . . .”

  “I’m not convinced, P. This seems a bit off, if you ask me. Just remember that no other man will ever love you as much as I do.” He blows me a kiss and laughs.

  “While I love you too, you know that’s not exactly reassuring.”

  “Oh, shush. Just go ahead and do the things you wanted to do while you’re there anyway. GO OUTSIDE, WOMAN. And take that camera of yours.”

  He’s right. Noah is busy—there is nothing I can do about that—but, instead of feeling sorry for myself on Skype, I should be outside doing things and exploring this beautiful city. “I will have Magical Mystery Day,” I say, “even if that means doing it by myself.”

  “That’s the spirit!” says Elliot, but for some reason he doesn’t look very spirited. I face-palm so hard I’m worried I’m going to have a red mark on my forehead. I’ve been so self-absorbed—again—that I haven’t even asked Elliot how he is doing.

  After I apologize profusely and redeem myself, Elliot beams. “Things are great. The internship is amazing even if I do have to commute to London every weekday! I can’t wait to live there. I’m a bright-lights, big-city guy, that’s for sure!”

  He’s so happy he’s almost bouncing up and down in his seat—but the thought of him leaving Brighton twists my gut. It’s another reminder that things are going to change soon, no matter how hard I wish they could stay the same forever.

  “That’s great, Wiki!” I manage to disguise my moment of sadness, and I smile back at him.

  “And things with Alex are amazing. I went out to that rugby game with him . . . and I enjoyed it!”

  “No way! I’m so happy for you. You’ll turn into a right sports lover yet.”

  Elliot grimaces. “I don’t think so. But we watched Noah’s Berlin show on YouTube. It was so sweet when he gave you a shout-out before ‘Autumn Girl’! I wish I could make big, romantic, public displays of affection with my boyfriend.”

  “Elliot . . .”

  “I know, I know. I’m not complaining! I want him to come out to everyone when he feels confident. I just wish I gave him that confidence. It’s silly, I know.” I want to give Elliot a big hug and tell him not to worry about Alex—that it will work out in the end. They are made for each other; they are so perfect together. “So, where are you off to next, you globetrotter? It’s not more long hours on the bus-from-hell, is it?”

  “Rome! And, no—we’re flying.”

  “You lucky signorina.” There’s a pause as Elliot and I just stare at each other through the screen. His green eyes are enhanced by the purple rim of his glasses, and they start misting with tears. “I miss you,” he says.

  I can’t help it; my eyes fill with tears right alongside him. “I miss you too.”

  We both hug the screen until, on a count of three, we hang up together.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The late-afternoon flight from Munich to Rome is surprisingly pleasant. Blake and the rest of the boys are seated farther back, so Noah and I have a little bit of time together. Wrapped up in Mum’s cardigan and snuggling next to Noah, I manage to keep my anxiety at bay, even though I grip Noah’s hand throughout the take-off. During the flight we discuss the music industry and debate who we believe is the greatest rock band of all time. I don’t think that Noah really understands my choice of Journey but I just can’t help it: I love “Don’t Stop Believin’ ”! He loves Pink Floyd and is shocked when I say I haven’t heard of them. He plays “Wish You Were Here” on his iPod and makes me listen through his headphones. I agree on the need to expand my musical knowledge.

  Stepping out of the airport, I feel a lovely warm breeze on my face. So many people have told me how beautiful Rome is and I am very excited to finally be on Italian soil. There is no show tonight and a whole day tomorrow to explore the city with Noah. The excitement bubbles up inside me as we are driven to our hotel. Rome really does look spectacular, even from a blacked-out tour bus.

  When we finally reach the hotel, Noah flops down on my bed. “I’ve enjoyed today, you know, just us getting to talk about everything and nothing.”

  “I know what you mean. It’s like New York all over again, before anyone knew about Noah and Penny.”

  He takes my face into his hands and kisses me as we lie next to each other. It’s the sort of kiss that leaves me in knots and I feel like I may have to be scraped up off the floor as I’ve turned to jelly. Noah is a great kisser. Not that I’ve had many kisses to compare with his, but Noah feels older and a lot more mature and it’s so different. It’s not awkward or uncomfortable—it’s just perfect.

  Noah is exhausted so we order in room service and stick on a film to relax. It’s not long before Noah falls asleep, his head resting in my lap.

  When the film ends, I’m tempted to just let him sleep, but pins and needles are tingling up and down my trapped arm. As I shift to release the pressure, he stirs.

  “Oh, what time is it?” he says, his voice groggy. “Is the movie over?” He sits up in bed, his hair flattened against the side of his face. I can’t help but giggle.

  He throws a pillow at me, then stretches and yawns. “I’ll see you in the morning, Princess Penny.”

  He jumps up off the bed and makes his way to the door. All these rooms are beginning to look very similar and the novelty of staying in a hotel is definitely starting to wear off.

  “Won’t you stay with me? Please, like in Berlin?” I smile sweetly at him.

  “You know the rules, Penny. That night was a one-off. Your parents wouldn’t be happy if I did that—and Dean would kill me. Separate bedrooms was one of the terms of you coming along.”

  “My parents are so annoying and old-fashioned,” I huff.

  “They’re just looking out for their l
ittle girl.”

  “LITTLE? I’m sixteen now! I’m venturing off into other countries without them—”

  “You’ll always be their little girl, Penny. You know that. Meet you downstairs tomorrow morning at nine. Love you.” He blows me a kiss and disappears off to his room.

  I distract myself for the rest of the evening by having a deep bath and checking some of my favourite photographers on Instagram, as well as the hashtags for Rome, with their sightseeing recommendations. I contemplate whether I should open an Instagram account for Girl Online—maybe it would be safer without words?—but then the warning bells start ringing.

  Never going online, Penny . . .

  Instead, I turn out the light and settle down under the covers, my mind filled with filters, photos, and all the treats that Rome has in store, and fall fast asleep.

  • • •

  The next morning I gather together my camera and bag, and head downstairs to the reception lobby. Noah isn’t there. A worrying niggle gnaws at my stomach, and I pray that this isn’t a repeat scenario of Berlin.

  “Penny.” Noah appears next to me with a somewhat less excited expression than the one I am wearing. He frowns. “I can’t do today after all. Dean wants me to do a press junket and this is the only time I can do it.”

  I try to remain calm, but I can feel the anger rising and my face burns with heat. “OK,” I manage through pursed lips.

  “I’m sorry. Are you annoyed?” He tries to hold my hand but I snatch it away.

  “No, really, I’m fine,” I say. I play with the strap on my bag, trying desperately to think of a way to leave this situation before my emotions explode in a bubble of hot lava.

  “Oh, all right then. I’m glad you’re cool,” he says, smiling down at me.

  But, like a burst pipe, I can’t contain myself. “NO, NOAH. I’M NOT FINE. CLEARLY I’M NOT FINE.”

  “You just said you—”

  “GIRLS ALWAYS SAY THEY’RE FINE, BUT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL I’M NOT FINE. THAT’S WHAT BOYFRIENDS DO! And do you know what else they do? They don’t let their girlfriends down every chance they have.” My voice is shrill and squeaky but I can’t stop now. “Yes, this is big and scary for you, but this is big and scary for me too. I gave up a huge chunk of my summer holiday to be here with you, because you told me we would have the time to do these things, Noah. You promised me. I am jumping through hoops for you here and it’s exhausting. I feel like a piece of your kit that’s being carried from one venue to another.”