The girl was so uneducated, it upset me that the nuns wouldn’t teach any of us about the affairs of the heart and what was right and wrong. If I hadn’t known from my time before my parents died, I wouldn’t know either. Though I knew kissing wasn’t a sin, I knew the things I’d seen in that movie were. I tried again, “When I’m around you, I have urges to do things to you. I’m not sure if you feel them, too.”
She closed the small distance between us and got right up in my face, “I don’t know what I feel other than strange warmth and ticklish feelings when you smile at me. I’m too afraid to ask what it is because no one has ever mentioned them before, not even the older girls before they left. I’m afraid I’m broken.”
Her face fell and her voice hitched on the last words. All I wanted to do was to show her I felt the same things and I thought it was normal. Every part of me wanted to touch Simone in all the areas a man should only touch his wife. I fought the urge for as long as I could, but I was a weak man, and I pressed my lips against hers.
I didn’t know how to kiss, even though I’d watched others do it many times. My lips seemed to have a mind of their own and so did hers. She wrapped her hands around my neck, as if on instinct, and my own went around her waist.
We stood there with our lips touching for what seemed like forever, but still not long enough. They were so soft, nothing like I imagined, and my first kiss was perfect with the girl I loved since she brought me a frog.
I felt stirring in my pants and I had to break it off before I did something wrong and hurt her, hurt both of us. Her body felt too good under my hands and it brought out so many urges I knew were wrong. “It was beautiful, Simone. You are my first kiss and will be my last,” I told her, not letting onto the meaning behind my words.
“I love you André,” she replied breathily. “I’m glad you brought me here tonight. We should do this every night. We can make this our special time to be without all the eyes and ears. And maybe do that kissing thing again.” She waggled her eyebrows at me and I laughed, the feeling of discomfort in my pants settling.
“I agree. Maybe we can get a set of cards and play while we talk like we used to,” I suggested, trying to avoid kissing again because of what it brought out in me.
“I’d love that. I think I can manage to get some. For now, let me find the leftover bread. I bet it’s still good, even if it’s a little hard now. Sister Anna always feeds it to the chickens in the morning but I’m sure they won’t miss a little piece.”
It was as if she received the thing she wanted more than anything and now could be normal around me again. I wondered why I couldn’t be like her and move on. Every part of my soul burned to kiss her again. Sitting at the table, I let her look for the bread and bring it to me. By nature, she was a caretaker and enjoyed doing nice things for others. If I tried to help, she would just get irritated with me. Sitting at the table was best for both of us.
I watched her as she flitted around the kitchen looking in every cubby for the elusive bread. My breath caught when she passed the light and I could see right through her nightdress. It was at that moment I decided I knew what I needed to do when I turned eighteen. Determination set in and I would not tell her because I knew if I did, she would convince me otherwise. A weak man, I would never be able to tell her no. Simone was my greatest love and my biggest challenge all at the same time.
Chapter Four - André
For the next year, we met almost every night. The only nights we didn’t were Saturdays because we had to get up so early on Sundays for church and neither of us wanted to be caught falling asleep during the service. The church was warm with all the bodies filling it and the incense burning was such a relaxing scent it was hard to stay awake in normal circumstances, let alone without sleep.
We kissed many times, but not each time, and we became experts at it while we explored the different ways to use our lips and our tongues. I knew it was wrong, but my resolve failed me each time we were alone. Stopping the visits would have been the coward’s way out and I was stronger than that. It didn’t matter anyway because I loved the time we spent together playing card games and chatting.
On the eve of my eighteenth birthday, we sat at the table and tried to play cards but neither of us could concentrate. We ended up sitting there holding hands and reliving the memories of our time together at the orphanage.
Simone spoke of the future and I couldn’t bear to tell her mine wouldn’t be aligned with hers. It would have hurt her too much and I didn’t want that cloud hanging over our last night together. “Promise me you’ll keep doing your art while I’m gone,” I demanded of her lightly.
“I promise. Sister Elizabeth is helping me find more flora to use for paint. She says I should become an artist and spoke of a school in Paris where I could go. Like you, she insists I can make a living off it and become like one of the greats, forever living in infamy with my art.”
Happy to hear someone else encouraging her, I would have to remember to leave Sister Anna a personal note. I knew that anything I told the nuns would be kept confidential if I asked. They were good women, the brides of Christ.
“I have a surprise for you,” she bounced in her seat excitedly. “I was going to wait until tomorrow but there will be so many people saying goodbye that it wouldn’t be a good time to give it to you.” She jumped up to find whatever gift she’d come up with and I waited nervously for her to bring me whatever it was that was so important.
I barely had time to agree before she came bounding back with a small box in her hands. As I carefully opened it, despite my earlier resolve to not do anything that would cause me to waver in my decision for my future, she chided me teasingly, “You are so slow. Just rip it off and see what it is.”
I could faintly smell the aroma of chocolate and I salivated. It was a treat we weren’t given often due to the expense. Such a luxury for us children without parents. I untied the bow and ripped off the paper, revealing a simple box. Lifting the lid, I found a chocolate cupcake inside decorated with frosting and a small cross on top. “You are too good to me, Simone,” I told her in awe.
Carefully lifting it out, the frosting stuck to my fingers and I held it out for her to taste, “You have to enjoy this with me,” I insisted.
She eagerly licked it off and everything I’d held back for so long came rushing back. My thoughts went to laying her on the table and tasting every part of her body, dreams which haunted me every single night after our secret meetings in the kitchen.
“Well, are you going to eat it?” she teased me. “I made it myself. Sister Anna gave me the recipe, one she remembered from her mother so many years ago.”
When it cleared the box, beads fell against my hand, and I realized the cross was attached to them. It was a rosary, and I knew it was one she made herself. “Simone,” I whispered as tears gathered in my eyes. “It’s beautiful. I can’t find the words to express how much it means to me.”
“I know,” she smiled sadly. “I wanted you to have a piece of me to carry with you until you come back. I used small braids of my hair to make the string that holds it together. The beads and cross are made of the clay from our pond.”
The tears fell from my eyes as I examined the work of art. She put so much detail into each one of those beads, decorated with carvings of things from our childhood together. Every moment was captured in tiny pictures on the beads. The cross which looked simple at first had an inscription on the back. Simple but beautiful, it said, “My love, my light, my life.”
I couldn’t speak for a long time, the thoughts of what I was about to do to this lovely soul flooding me with guilt and sadness. It made me doubt my decision, yet at the same time made it clearer that I had to follow through for her sake. She would find her peace and happiness once her heart healed. I knew by the time she was ready to leave, her own excitement would far outweigh my absence. A year and a half was a long time and the heart was a fickle thing. I was sure she would find herself and forget about me
in time.
Shaking myself from my confusion and heartache, I tried to make our last night together one we would always cherish no matter what our lives brought to us in the future. Tearing the cupcake in half, I offered it to her, and she took it. “You have to take the first bite,” she insisted. “You are the birthday boy and it’s in the rules.”
I chuckled, hoping the fake sound would make it real, would make my deep sadness go away. She needed me to be strong. I took a bite and moaned at the deliciousness. It tasted better than anything I’d ever had in my life, which I told her. Free to now try a bite, I watched as her beautiful, plump lips sunk into the cupcake. Her own noise of pleasure at the treat stirred me and again, I fought it.
Refocusing on the treat in front of me, I tried to tell myself that one last kiss wouldn’t hurt. I couldn’t imagine leaving without feeling her against me. At sixteen and a half, her body was fully developed into that of a woman, no longer the gangly little girl who first stole my heart with her kind soul. She was a temptress, an innocent one, but a temptress all the same.
“We should go to bed,” I commented regretfully. “Sister Anna will be up soon to start the bread and we don’t want to get caught. Plus, I have a long day of travel tomorrow.”
“I don’t want this night to end,” she woefully cried. “I never wanted this day to come and now that it’s here, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through for another full year and a half without you here. I’m going to miss you so much.”
I stood and pulled her up to me, “I don’t want to leave you either. I wish it could be different. I feel like I’m leaving a piece of my soul behind.” My mouth pressed against hers and I tasted the frosting on her lips. Giving into the passion I felt for her, I kissed her deeply, pouring every ounce of my love into that one last kiss. I basked in the glory of Simone for as long as I could stand it, until my desires became almost impossible to fight any longer and I had to pull away. “We must go before we are caught. Good night, my sweet Simone. Thank you for loving me when I didn’t want to be loved.”
Chapter Five - Simone
I didn’t sleep much that night. The feel of his lips lingered on my own and I thought of running away with him. I didn’t have anything holding me in the orphanage, other than the laws, for just over another year and a half.
Recalling the last person who tried to run away, my muscles tightened. I would never forget the police bringing him back in shackles and the way he fought them. I’d never seen Sister Marie so angry, her face was red and the wrinkles in her face stood out as she yelled at him. He wouldn’t stop fighting, so the policemen helped the nuns to bring him to a room away from everyone else. I could still hear his deafening screams all day and half the night.
Eventually, Sister Marie decided it was better for him to go back to jail where he would no longer upset our lives. I didn’t know all she tried to bring him back to God, I just remembered the loud prayers by the priest and the nuns, the sound of the paddle on his bare skin and his screams of pain. Sister Anna told me he’d been taken over by the devil and reminded me to follow the word of God, otherwise the devil would take my soul, too.
I wasn’t well versed in what happened outside of the only home I’d ever known, and I feared I would end up the same as that boy if I left. They would find me and take me away from André. My heart clenched when I realized there was nothing I could do. The boy I loved was leaving and I had no choice but to let him go.
Tears streamed down my face and I tried to keep my sobs silent as I cried myself to sleep. Nightmares filled my dreams of André being shackled and the police taking me away to a dark box where I couldn’t get out. The sound of the wake-up bell startled me awake and I sat up, breathing hard. I checked my hands for blood after such a violent nightmare, where I scratched and hit at the box long after the blood trickled down my arms.
My hands were perfect, aside from the half-moon red marks in my palms where I’d squeezed them so tightly in my fitful sleep. My bed was a mess with the sheets and blankets twisted together. Coming back to reality, I jumped from the bed and rushed to get ready. I wanted to say my goodbyes to André and make him promise to write to me, something I’d forgotten during our midnight rendezvous.
I was expected to make my bed every morning or face consequences. With the sheets all twisted and my attempt to rush, it didn’t go smoothly at all. I swore in frustration, finally ripping off the sheet and stuffing it in a drawer. No one would know and I’d deal with it before bedtime. Throwing on my shoes, I ran down the stairs and almost fell in my rush to get to him.
He stood at the door with a small sack in his hand as he spoke to Sister Marie She handed him a small bag, one I knew held a small amount of money and a couple of small meals. They never sent the newly turned adults out into the world without something to help them get started. Sister Marie would have already set him up with a job and a temporary room to rent until he got on his feet. Rarely were those things set up in Lyon and I knew André was not staying in the city. Sister Marie made it clear as she spoke, “You need to hurry before you miss your train. Your host family will meet you at the station and I have no way to contact them if you miss it.” She hugged him, “May Our Lord keep you safe on your travels.”
I didn’t hear the answer he mumbled to her because I was too far away. She released him and his hand reached for the door handle. I let out an ear-piercing scream which surprised myself as much as everyone else. “No! You can’t leave!” I cried out as I rushed to him.
“He must, Simone. You knew this day was coming,” Sister Marie said sternly.
Ignoring her, I tried to hug him, my arms outstretched as I almost reached André. My head whipped back as I was stopped by a hand that gripped my arm painfully. Still, I tried to get to him despite the sting and throbbing in my bicep. “Don’t leave me,” I begged pitifully, tears streaming down my face.
His own tears formed and he looked like a broken man, hurting just as much as I did. “I have to leave,” he croaked. “I have no choice. Never forget I love you, Simone.” With his last words, he walked out the door.
My heart shattered as it clicked shut and he disappeared from view. I screamed his name over and over, trying to fight off the hand which held me back. “Let me go!” I screamed as I tried to wrench my arm from Sister Marie’s grip.
“Simone! You must stop!” she shouted at me as I managed to free myself.
I tried to open the door but somehow it was locked. Pounding my fists against it, I no longer felt the pain as I cried and yowled to be let out. Strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back, shushing me as I fought. “Child, you must stop. You won’t change anything except the severity of your punishment,” Sister Elizabeth’s calming voice tried to reason with me. “Please don’t make Sister Marie have to lock you up.”
An image of the dark box from my dream flashed through my mind and my legs went out from under me. I collapsed to the floor moaning in pain, my heart hurting so much it was unexplainable. I’d just lost a piece of my soul.
I barely heard the voices around me, my head spinning and black spots dotting my vision. He was gone, the boy I loved more than life itself, and I lost the will to live. Clutching at my heart, I curled up in a ball on the hard, dirty floor and cried, unable to move.
“Simone, I know you are hurting,” Sister Anna said gently from beside me as she rubbed my hair. “Look to God to give you the strength to let André go.”
“God took him from me,” I spit out angrily.
“No, my child. He gave André to you. I know how much you two love each other and I believe he will come back for you. The time will go by fast,” she promised me.
I shook my head, “A year and a half is a long time. What if he meets someone else who loves him better than I can.” My true fears came out, but if I didn’t have them, I would still feel destroyed by his absence.
Sternly, Sister Anna told me, “No one can love that boy better than you can, Simone. I am a nun, a bride of
God, but I still know much about love. I can see the way you both look at each other. God will bring him back to you, answer your prayers when the time is right.” I turned to face her and she looked me in the eyes, “One day, you two orphans will marry and have your own family together. You’ll both have what you’ve missed your entire life. I know you, Simone. You gave your heart to him and received his own in return.”
She stroked my hair as I continued to cry until I no longer had any tears to shed. I was sure they would come again. I ached down to my very soul, my anguish too much for me to bear.
Sister Marie’s voice made me cringe as I waited for the punishment I knew would come. My display was undignified. “You’ll stay in a separate room tonight,” her monotone voice didn’t give any indication of her feelings towards me.
Fear laced through me as I thought of the boy who was separated when the police brought him back and he acted the same way. “Please, no, Sister. I promise I will calm down,” I pleaded as I tried to fight the urge to scramble away from her outstretched hand.
Her voice softened as she realized my fear, “You need rest and some time to pray without interruption. I’m sure you would prefer not to have all the other children stare at you while you reflect. Correct, Simone?”
I nodded my head and stood on shaky legs, stumbling forward as I tried to walk away from the door. It was like a magnet, holding me in place as if I couldn’t move until he returned to me. Sister Anna wrapped her strong arms around my waist and helped to steady me. “I’ll bring you a plate of food and a drink once you are settled. For now, let's get you some privacy. The other children will be done with breakfast shortly.”
She meant for me to hurry so I wouldn’t be stared at, but I didn’t care at that moment. “I can’t,” I sniffled before another wave of tears began.
“You must,” Sister Marie told me. “André would want you to keep living until he returns. He loves you and I’m sure he is hurting as much as you are. But he’s an adult now and knows he must find his path before he can be with you, just as you must find your path in order to be with him.”
Coming Undone Page 3