The door closed again, and I felt arms wrap around my body, holding me and stroking my hair as I cried. “Simone,” André’s voice soothed me, “it will be okay.” He hummed and rocked me until my tears dried up.
The all too familiar scent of sandalwood hit my nose and snapped me out of my own little world. I'd been too depressed to see anything else. I realized it wasn’t Father Augustin who was on the other side of the confessional, but André who was now holding me in the dim space.
In a daze, I looked at his brown eyes, so full of love and concern. He ran a finger down my cheek with a feather light stroke, “I love you, Simone. So much that I sacrificed my own happiness so you could move on and find yours.”
“I can’t,” I bemoaned.
“Neither can I,” he admitted as he pulled me on his lap. “I tried so hard to stay away but I can’t. As long as I’m near you, I must be with you and that’s not fair to you.”
“But,” I started to argue and he pressed a finger to my lips.
“You have to leave, Simone. You have to go to Paris like you always dreamed of. You’ll find happiness there.”
“No,” I argued. “My dream was to go to Paris with you. I can’t live without you, André. I tried so hard, I really did.”
He sighed heavily, “God, save my soul.”
Chapter Thirteen - Simone
Without warning, his lips fused with mine, his tongue thrusting inside hungrily as I greedily took it all in. As if I were floating in the clouds during a storm, lightning ignited in my veins and traveled to my center. André swallowed my moans as his hands roved over my body and up to my breasts.
Gently at first, he squeezed them, and I pushed into his hands, my body craving more of everything he gave me. His lips worked down my neck as he fumbled with the buttons of my dress. Gripping his hair, I threw my head back, breathing heavily as he freed my breasts and slid his tongue over my nipples. They pebbled, sensitive to the air cooling the wetness from his mouth.
My hips moved of their own accord, my center rubbing against his hard shaft that threatened to burst from his robes. I burned with a need to have him inside of me and finally feel the pleasure I’d only read about in books.
His hands roamed under my skirt to my plump ass, pushing and pulling me to rub against him faster as he sucked in a nipple. I gasped and couldn’t wait any longer. Reaching down, I tugged at his frock, needing to finally touch his length.
André paused and seemed to realize where we were and what we were doing, but I refused to let him turn me away again. I kissed him passionately, showing him all the love I felt for him, making him mine. The rumble in his chest caused wetness to pool between my legs, my nerves feeling like they were dancing. “Please,” I whispered softly, “I need you.”
“I love you, Simone,” he told me as he ripped my panties off and ran his fingers along my creases. His breath was heavy and his eyes hooded. He needed me as much as I needed him. “Please, tell me to stop.”
I was too selfish to stop and continued to chase the burning need for him. This time, when I pulled his robes up, he lifted himself to give me better access as his fingers pushed into my entrance and the most divine feeling overcame me. I rocked on his hand, greedy in my need for more. Reaching down, my fingers encircled his hard length, the velvety skin so soft yet so hard inside. He shuddered under my touch, making me feel powerful and amazed to be able to elicit such a reaction from him.
We both explored each other as we kissed, trying to quiet all the noises of pleasure coming from both our lips. Something built inside of me, a feeling like I would die if I didn’t have him inside of me. I was long past being able to think about consequences or anything other than my burning desire for him.
It seemed as if he felt the same because both of us moved at the same time, lining him up with my entrance as I lowered myself and stopped, the sting of it making me gasp. André stilled completely and whispered, “I hurt you.”
I shook my head as the pain faded and was replaced with a sensation I couldn’t describe if I wanted to. I was with the love of my life, sharing the most intimate moment, one I’d dreamed of for years.
Rocking my hips slowly, it sent sparks through my whole body. I could feel André’s hands trembling on my hips as he devoured my mouth. Bliss filled me as I rocked faster, the feel of his hardness sliding in and out of me setting me in a fiery passion.
He followed my lead before taking over and bucking his hips to push himself in deeper, touching my soul with every stroke. The sparks turned into more, a desperate need for something that built in my core and pulsated throughout my body. My fingers dug into his shoulders and a moan escaped my lips.
“Simone,” he groaned, the sound of his voice pushing me over the edge as the fire rushed through my veins and my body spasmed. The bliss radiated from me as he continued to plunge into me in desperation until his body jerked and trembled, noises of ecstasy escaping his lips.
He slowed and pressed his lips against mine tenderly, his hand coming up and twining in my hair. As he put his forehead against mine, we both tried to catch our breaths, lost in the blissful aftermath of our lovemaking. The tight lines on his face had smoothed out and he looked so peaceful in that moment. I wanted us to stay like that for the rest of our lives.
Quietly, in our blissful aftermath he admitted, “I didn’t know it could be so amazing. If I had known, I would’ve done this with you a long time ago.”
I giggled as quietly as I could, “I agree. Maybe then you wouldn’t have left me.”
A pained expression crossed his face and I hoped it was because he felt guilt over leaving me. I understood he thought he was doing the best thing for me, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I hadn’t forgiven him for it yet either, not that he ever apologized.
Lifting me from his lap, he helped to straighten out my clothing and button my dress back up. He stood to pull down his frock and bent over to grab my torn panties from the floor. I grabbed them from his hands and stuffed them in my pocket. I’d need to get rid of them later.
When he settled back down on the small bench, he pulled me to his chest. It felt so perfect and right until he opened his mouth. “What we did was wrong. I shouldn’t have given in, but I’m not strong when I’m near you.” His voice was pained as he lamented, “I sullied you. I’m so sorry. God, forgive me.”
I touched his cheek and he jerked back. “André don’t. I –” I started to tell him how perfect our time was together, but he cut me off.
“I need to know if you’re leaving soon,” he changed so quickly to flat and uncaring, it confused me to no end.
“I’m not going to Paris without you,” my lower lip trembled as the weight of his words sank in. He was doing it again, pushing me away.
“Simone, you have to. You need to find a life without me. I’m damaged more than you know. I just can’t let my own issue dim your light, and they will. I promise you will find love again as long as you're open to it. My life is meant to be solitary.”
“Did something happen when you left?” I questioned, not understanding how this man I knew so well could feel he couldn’t have love or a life with me.
“No, I’ve always been like this. Times of depression where I can’t function, angry outbursts, and all my emotional baggage that would bring you down with me. It was happening before I left, and I knew I had to leave you. Surely, you remember how bad I was,” he pleaded with me to look back at our lives growing up together.
The day he arrived at the orphanage was branded in my mind. A little boy with sandy blond hair who screamed at everyone for the simplest things. He was like that when I pestered him until he became my friend.
There were other times where he would cry and I’d hold him and sing to him until his tears dried. Sometimes he was too sick to get out of bed, but he was never down for more than a few days. Sister Marie always told me he had a cold.
Then there were times when he became angry with me for the simplest things. He’d yell
and scream and then not talk to me for days on end. Eventually, he would ask for me to forgive him and I always did.
“I remember some of it, but you weren’t that bad. It seemed normal to me, especially since you lost your parents and that would make any kid have a hard time. We always worked things out,” I argued, not wanting to see the reality.
“I hurt you more times than you remember, Simone. You loved me despite how I treated you. You always brought out the best in me, but sometimes the worst in me couldn’t be controlled. I don’t want you to have a life with someone who can so easily become a monster.”
I huffed, “I think a monster is exaggerated. Either way, I always brought you back to the happy kid you were with me.”
“But you shouldn’t have to,” he shot back. “I’m broken. My only way of saving the world from me is to become an ordained priest and maintain my vows. Those vows leave zero chance of being in a relationship with anyone. I knew this before I left this town and I never expected to return.”
“No, no, no. André, you can’t do this to me again,” my heart ripped in pieces as his words sunk in. “I can’t handle it.”
“You can, Simone,” he replied softly, his tone faraway. “You’re much stronger than you tell yourself.”
“I know you think you are like your father, but you’re not. You are much more. Everyone has times of being angry or sad. You’re just hyper-focused on your worry of being like him.”
I was one of the few people who knew how horrible his father was. Sure, his parents had great times and were in love, but there were more times when his father was a monster, going as far as beating André or hitting his mother. He’d always ask for forgiveness and act as if nothing happened until as André put it, “He got into one of his moods.”
“I can’t do that to you. I can’t let you become my caretaker, always making sure I’m not falling down the hole. Sister Marie was usually the one who took care of me during those dark times and could tell you how bad it is. Believe me, you don’t deserve that kind of life. It will get in the way of your art, and you’ll hate me in the end. Let me go and find yourself a good man who will give you the good life you deserve,” he was resigned to getting me out of his life.
“I need you, André, faults and all. You are a good man despite how much you keep pushing me away. Please, stop pushing me away. I need you to be honest with me so I can be a part of your life.” I tried everything I could to change this time around. Now that I knew why he disappeared, I couldn't let it happen again. “Do you love me?”
“I do, more than I’ve ever loved in my life, but love isn’t always enough,” his sadness radiated from him. “I should go. I’ve done enough damage to this church already.”
I didn’t know how to respond. My life didn’t prepare me for this situation, and I remained quiet while he carefully peeked out to see if we were still alone. He turned back to me, “I stopped writing because my love for you was greater than my love for God. My mentor told me I would fail if I didn’t cut you out of my life. I was wrong for listening to him and not explaining my reasons like I wanted to. For that, I’m sorry. I can’t undo the past. All I can do is give you the truth now, so you can move forward with your life. Go live your life. Without me,” his voice caught as he said the last part. I could feel myself falling apart when he said, “I’ll give you a few moments alone to gather yourself.”
The light of the church blinded me as the door opened and he left me to break inside of the dimly lit confessional, the place I had come to for comfort.
Chapter Fourteen - André
The door clicked behind me and I fell to my knees, begging God for strength. I didn’t deserve anything after what I’d done to her time and time again. It only showed how much I didn’t deserve to be near her.
I’d have to tell Father Augustin what I’d done, and I’d probably lose my cleric state, barred from ever being a part of the church again. It was deserved for my twofold sin of losing virginity out of wedlock and doing it inside of the holy church, of all places.
My own weak nature and desperate need for Simone did this to me, made me lose any ability to function whenever she was around. I’d told this to Father Augustin and he gave me prayers to say, along with mentoring me on how to stay strong. He refused to allow me to transfer because of Simone, claiming I would feel temptation my whole life and needed to learn how to dispel it. I failed, hard. Especially when I went for walks to clear my head and found myself across from her apartment, watching her in the window. I knew she saw me, and it hurt her more, yet I couldn’t stop. She was a magnet pulling me to her world, no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
It seemed everything I touched was ruined, maybe a curse from my father. Simone refused to see any of the bad in me despite of how much she witnessed in the past. I was sure it was because she was innocent, rarely leaving the place we grew up in together. She’d never experienced love with a man without so much emotional baggage, and once she did, she would understand.
I deserved nothing but to be alone in my life, though I was never alone as long as I had my faith. What I’d become since I left was a better man as long as I kept to my studies and lived for helping others. I’d had very few times of deep depression during my first three years, most of them being in the first year of being there. And those times were largely due to letting Simone go. Being near her was my undoing, everything I tried to be shattered the moment I set eyes on her again.
She was my everything, my whole world revolved around her light, and I had to learn to live without her. That was if one could call what I did living. It was more like surviving, taking everything one day at a time and serving as a good Catholic priest-to-be should.
At the university in Belgium, when I had the moments of rage, I disappeared to a place nearby. Underneath the bridge where no one was around I would throw rocks at the stone piles of it, yelling as I did so. I’d spend an hour or more doing this until I was too tired to be angry anymore. Only my mentor knew this side of me and found scriptures which I could read for meditation, claiming it was a better way to control these episodes.
It worked for a time, until I was told I would be coming back to Lyon, back to the same place I’d run away from. Once I’d finished with my stone throwing session, I sank to the ground and realized I deserved to live in the place that held so many memories. Still, I fought it and asked to be sent somewhere else, only to be denied.
I failed the test and had to figure out where to go with my life. I wasn’t skilled at anything in particular, especially being raised by nuns. While most learned their trade skill from their fathers, I didn’t have that. Plus, my time that I could have learned in college passed me by because I tried to become a priest. There would be nowhere else for me to use my education in theology.
I knew it was my duty to bare my soul to Father Augustin immediately, but the damned part of me couldn’t just then. Finding a way to live before I was stripped of my robes would be the smarter option.
Hell awaited me in death since I’d already taken Simone’s purity and damaged her beyond repair. What was another sin when I couldn’t be saved anyway?
My heart clenched as I heard the door to the confessional open and the soft footsteps walking away from where I’d fallen to my knees. She couldn’t see me where I was, but I could see her. Shoulders hunched, her arms wrapped around herself, Simone was hurting, and I did that to her.
The monster in me wanted to get up and run after her, push her against the wall and kiss her until she forgave me. It urged me to say to hell with sacrifice and let her be the one to hold me up when I couldn’t be the man I should be. Yet, my crushed, broken mind wouldn’t allow me to move from the spot where I kneeled.
As she disappeared from my view, I realized how much I knew how she felt when she tried to drown herself in the pond, because I felt the same need for everything to end. I didn’t want to fight my demons anymore or face all those I’d wronged. Exhaustion overtook me and it took every bit of
strength for me to stay upright.
I heard footsteps coming from the direction of the entrance to the orphanage and hope bloomed in my chest. It was what I needed to be able to stand, the war between wanting Simone and needing to be away from her was never ending. Up and down, my emotions would spike faster than I could keep up to even attempt to stop them. My body rose from its spot, the sudden explosion of happiness at the thought of her coming back giving me the strength I needed. I made my way over to the box I was assigned to that day, after I heard the door close shut.
Entering, I found it wasn’t Simone, but Sister Marie and my heart dropped. I listened to her vapid confessions and ordered her to read a scripture, which I thought was fitting. The aging nun had done nothing as wrong as what I’d done with Simone just a short time before. After that, nothing seemed worthy of a harsher penalty. Her only confession was one of not telling the orphaned woman I was coming back.
She didn’t hide her shock of my simple penance for her. “Deacon, it is quite kind of you to go easy on me, but I’m not sure God would be happy with such a small reconciliation. I realize this is your first time, which is why I mention it.”
My anger flared at how she could ask for more after I’d all but decided to be deceitful for my own gain. I tried to tamp it down and answered evenly, “Sister, God knows your true heart and I account for all the care you provide to those in your order. You, especially, have much more with Sister Elizabeth needing so much care and a new member to look after. Plus, I believe you are helping to set a young orphan free into the world to achieve her dreams, are you not?” I dug for information.
“This is true and I’m happy to do it. Sister Elizabeth deserves nothing but the best for all of her years of service. And Simone should have left three years ago. Her reasons for hanging on to this life for so long haven’t evaded me. I just don’t understand it as much as I feel I should. Either way, I’m not sure I can help her since she turned down her spot and University years ago.”
Coming Undone Page 8