But he responded before she could try and fix it. “Oh, I went through this lame phase after my grandma died where I thought that kind of thing was for babies. I know that’s dumb, but I guess by the time I figured that out I just never really thought about doing it again.” He shrugged and grinned and she saw the beginnings of a squarer jaw, more angles in his cheekbones. “Maybe now I will.”
Hannah nodded, relieved she hadn’t put her foot in it as badly as she’d thought. “Don’t forget the candles,” she said. “The mosquitoes have been little beasts this summer, and with you being so close to the creek, they’d probably eat you alive.”
Jake nodded, and she thought he looked like he wanted to say something else, but instead he said, “Is there more stuff in your car? Do you need help?”
She shook her head. “This is it. I’ve got some old baby food jars I put water in to wash out and mix with different colors of paint, so we’ll need to fill those up.”
“I can do that,” he said easily enough, but Hannah had seen him freeze, ever so slightly, at her mention of the baby food jars and realized that the time for dancing around the subject of Liam was over.
“Thanks,” she said, then summoned a sunny smile. “You know, that was one of the first things my son got big enough to do for me. He had this little stool he climbed on and he had to use the bathroom sink, but it made him feel so important.”
Jake went completely still then, and Hannah’s heart ached for him. She didn’t want this to be awkward or hard, but she knew it was both, and that she was partly to blame for making it harder.
“It’s okay to talk about him,” she said gently, but easily. “I should have sooner, but I didn’t want it to be weird, or make you feel uncomfortable. I realize now that it’s only made it more of those things, not less, and I’m sorry for that.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Jake said, “Bailey told me she’s talked to you about it—him—and you’re cool with it. I wanted to. Before I left. But . . . I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t know how.”
“That’s okay,” Hannah said. “I had the chance a few times, too, but I didn’t. It’s not an easy subject to bring up the first time, but if it helps, the thing I choose to do is think about all the good memories. Like with the baby food jars. I want to be happy when I think about Liam. He was a happy kid, and he’d want me to be happy when I think about him, not sad.” She lifted a shoulder, her tone gentle. “Sharing memories with other people is a good way for me to do that.” She waited for Jake to finally look at her and her heart broke a little at the lost look on his face. “You can ask me about him or talk about him. It’s—I really don’t mind. But I also don’t mind if you’d rather I don’t bring him up when we’re together.”
“It’s not that,” Jake said. “I guess . . . that would feel disrespectful.”
Hannah’s heart squeezed a little. “You’re a very kind and thoughtful young man, Jacob McCall. I appreciate your saying that.”
He nodded but didn’t say anything else.
Hannah’s expression warmed further. “If it helps, it’s not like I talk about him all the time. Just when something sparks this memory or that, like just now. It’s nice to be able to say it, laugh over it, whatever, then keep on going. The more I do that, the better it is.”
Jake nodded, and seemed to think about her explanation. “I’d be okay with that,” he said, then looked at her. “If it helps you.”
“So, enough about that,” Hannah said, thinking the conversation hadn’t gone too badly.
“Can I just ask one thing?” Jacob asked. “Then I promise I—”
“You can always ask me anything, Jake. About anything, including Liam.”
“That’s a cool name,” Jake said, then paused, as if testing how it would be to just talk about him.
“Thank you. It was my favorite uncle’s name. Actually, my uncle Liam and aunt Penny pretty much raised me, kind of like Addie is doing for Bailey.”
“Do you not have a mom or dad, either?” he asked, then immediately she saw the tips of his ears turn pink and he hurried to add, “My mom didn’t have parents. Well, she did, obviously, but it was just her mom who raised her. Her mom was in the military like my dad and his dad, my grandpa. I never met my grandpa—he died in the war before I was born. My mom’s mom did, too, but my mom was older when it happened, like in college. So, she really didn’t have a family after that until she met my dad.”
“She was really lucky to find him,” Hannah said, grateful and relieved that Jake felt completely natural talking about his mom with her. She felt honored and trusted. “I know she was really loved by your whole family.”
Jake nodded, then kind of looked at her expectantly.
Hannah remembered he’d been asking about her parents. “My mom and dad are alive, and even though they weren’t around a lot when I was growing up, we all love each other very much. They both traveled extensively for work, still do, so my aunt and uncle helped to take care of me when I was growing up. My uncle was really tickled when I named my son after him.” Hannah grinned. “He’d stop people on the street when we’d be pushing Liam in his stroller and boast about it. To complete strangers.”
Jake laughed at that.
“Liam’s middle name wasn’t nearly as cool, though. Theodore, for my dad.”
“I don’t know,” Jake said. “Theo might have been all right.”
“You know what, you’re absolutely right.” They shared a smile and she could see Jake relaxing. She blew out a shaky, relieved breath of her own.
“Where are your mom and dad now?”
Hannah nodded. “They are presently in South America. My dad is an archaeologist, and my mother is a language teacher. She teaches English to kids in other countries, usually where my dad is working.”
Jake’s eyes widened. “Wow, that’s pretty cool. Did you ever get to go with them when you were little?”
Hannah shook her head. “They weren’t really in places that would have been good for me, but I have since I’ve gotten older.”
“That’s cool. Where do your aunt and uncle live?”
Her expression was filled with fondness as she replied, “Oh, they’re both gone now.”
“I’m so sorry,” Jake said. “That’s rough.”
“It was, but it wasn’t sudden. My uncle had been ill a long time, so it was merciful. My aunt got sick not long after.” Hannah smiled. “She used to tell me she was worried my uncle wasn’t taking good care of himself in heaven, so God thought she should get on up there and straighten him out.”
Jake laughed at that, then ducked his chin. “Sorry,” he said.
“No, it’s okay. We laughed about it often. Aunt Penny was pretty amazing, really. And that all happened before the accident with Liam, so that was a blessing, too. I feel like they’re all up there watching out for each other.” She laughed a little. “Probably makes me sound weird, I know, but it’s kind of comforting.”
“Not weird,” Jake told her. “I think about my grandma kind of like that. I probably would my mom, too, but I don’t remember her. I was too little. I grew up with my grandma, so I guess it’s like you and your aunt and uncle. Then she got sick and my dad came back full time.”
“That’s a lot for a young person to handle,” Hannah told him. “I’m really sorry. I was a grown-up when I lost my aunt and uncle, and it was still pretty hard. It sounds like you had a lot of people who loved you and were looking out for you, though, and that part is really good.” She smiled. “You still do.”
Jake nodded. “My dad told me pretty much the same thing. I still miss Grandma Dot, though it’s different now. Not as sad.” He looked at Hannah. “I kind of like your idea about remembering the good times and being happy when you think about them. My grandma did that when she talked about my mom. She told me so many stories. Funny ones and cool ones, all kinds of things. I know I don’t remember her, so it’s not the same, really. Remembering her doesn’t make me sad, but it does make
me feel closer to her. Like I know I would have loved having her for my mom, if that makes sense.”
“Perfect sense,” Hannah said, and blinked away the tears that wanted to gather. For all the sorrow in his young life, Jake had indeed had some wonderful people loving him and taking care of him, helping him become the kind and thoughtful young man he was.
There was a short lull in the conversation and Hannah went back to unpacking her paintbrushes.
Jake sat and watched for a moment, then said, “My dad . . . he loved my mom so much, he just really couldn’t talk about her when I was little. I didn’t get it then, but I didn’t really notice, either. My grandma talked about her a lot. I get it more now, I guess. Bailey says I’ll understand it better when I’m older and fall in love with someone.”
Hannah nodded, and felt her eyes grow even mistier despite her best efforts to fight it off. She continued to blink tears away and smiled, not wanting Jake to think he’d made her sad. “It sounds like you all took good care of each other, and that’s the best anyone can ask for.”
He nodded, and she could see he still had questions, so she continued giving him space and time, setting up her easel and stool, unpacking her tools, knowing he’d ask whenever he was ready.
“Can I ask what happened to Liam’s dad?” His face colored a bright pink even before the words were out. “You don’t have to say, I was just—never mind.”
Hannah slipped her brushes into the mason jar she used to hold them and set them on the little fold-out stool she always carried. “It’s okay,” she told him, and sent a reassuring look his way. “We were college sweethearts, but it turned out we grew up into very different people. We had Liam, and that was important to us, so we tried really hard to find a way to make the marriage work.” She paused and looked for the right words for a fourteen-year-old who didn’t need the details, just the overview. “We weren’t really having much luck figuring that out. Then the accident happened. And afterward . . . well, we just decided that it would be better to go on and live our lives separately, and maybe find that person who was the right fit for the adults we’d become.” She went back to unpacking her things, glancing at Jake, praying she’d handled that right.
He nodded, seeming to accept what she’d said. Hannah sighed in relief and finally started unpacking her watercolors and the baby food jars.
“Do you think my dad is the right fit? Or will be?”
Hannah almost dropped every jar she was holding. As it was, she managed to bobble them onto the stool without breaking any.
Jake had asked the question with no pro or con overtones that she could read, so Hannah had no idea what his thoughts were on the matter. She knew Will had talked to his son about them on the drive back from camp. Will had told her that Jake seemed fine with it but hadn’t asked a lot of questions. Hannah had been relieved, but she suspected Jake probably had lots of questions now that he’d had time to think it over.
Today was her first time seeing Jake since that conversation. She and Will had thought today’s visit would be kind of a test to get the true lay of the land. Hannah had no idea where Will was at the moment, but now would be a really good time for you to join us.
Hannah knew a lot was riding on how she answered this question. What Jake might have said to his dad on the topic didn’t necessarily reflect his true feelings. Will and his son were very close, but this was brand-new territory for both of them. For her, too.
“Bailey says she thinks you’re the right fit for him,” Jake said when she didn’t respond right away.
Hannah turned to look at him and decided to just take a seat right there on the porch floor, with her paints and tools scattered around her. Grounding herself. Literally. “I’m very flattered she thinks so.” She smiled then, hoping to cover her nerves. “She’s a pretty good judge of character.”
“She is,” Jake said. He didn’t appear defensive, or at all upset, but neither did he seem overjoyed at the prospect.
If anything, he seemed to be a bit anxious, and she wasn’t sure how to read that. Anxious, I want you and my dad together? Or anxious, I really wish you weren’t?
“I like and admire your dad a great deal,” Hannah began. “I’m happy we’re becoming friends. I enjoy spending time with him.” Her tone grew even brighter as she added, “And that feeling seems to be mutual, which makes me happy, too.” She lifted her hands, then let them drop to her folded legs. “I don’t know more than that, yet. Figuring this kind of thing out takes time.” That might not be the steady assurance he was looking for, but Hannah thought he was old enough to understand. One thing she was certain about was that she’d always be up front with him, and honest. He’d been through enough in his young life to know there were no guarantees. So she’d never make him a promise she couldn’t keep. “But I want to figure it out, if that helps.”
Jake nodded, and seemed to be thinking it all through.
Hannah drew her knees up and circled them with her arms. As armor goes, I don’t think that will help you much, her little voice helpfully supplied. She ignored it, but also stayed just as she was. “Is it okay if I ask you how you feel about it? I know you and your dad are used to being a tribe of two. I don’t want my spending time with your dad to change that. At all.”
“It kind of already has,” Jake said; then when he noticed her worried expression, he hurried to add, “Not in a bad way.”
She almost slumped over in relief.
“I just meant that since he’s been hanging out more with you, he’s become a lot better about things.”
Hannah’s eyes widened in surprise. “What kind of things?”
“Well, he’s been trying harder for a while now. Like, he talks about mom a little. And I appreciate it. I tell him it’s okay if he doesn’t want to, if it makes him sad, but I’m glad he does. They’re always stories I didn’t already know. I guess it’s kind of like how you talk about Liam. If something comes up and it makes him remember something about her, he’ll just say it now. I really like that.” He looked at Hannah. “It makes us feel, I don’t know, like a more normal family. Even though she’s gone. You know?”
She nodded. “Completely. It is much the same for me. I’m glad Will’s doing that and that it’s been good for you.”
Jake frowned then, as if something had suddenly occurred to him. He looked worried. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about all that. About my mom, I mean. Like if it makes you feel uncomfortable.”
“No, no,” Hannah said immediately. “I’m glad you did. I think it’s a good, natural thing to be able to talk about. I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share it with me. I’m happy I can share my family with you, too.”
Jake smiled. “Okay. Good,” he said, clearly relieved.
“Your dad and I have talked about your mom, too.”
He looked surprised. “You have?”
Hannah nodded. “I’m glad about that, too. I’m glad he’s figuring out how to be more comfortable with it.”
Jake looked down at his hands, which he’d folded together, his arms braced on his knees. He lifted just his gaze to hers, as if he wasn’t sure about this question, either. “Do you think . . . did you help him with that? Because you both . . . ?” He let the question trail off but kept his gaze on hers.
“Lost someone special?” Hannah said, helping him out. “Maybe. But I think it’s something he’s wanted for a long time.”
Jake nodded. “I think so, too. But it’s gotten a lot better since he met you.” He lifted his head, looked at her directly then. She didn’t miss the gratitude and the sincerity in his green eyes. So like his father’s.
Hannah felt humbled and relieved all at the same time. “Well, that’s good then.”
“I think so.” Jake smiled. “He talks more now, too. You know, about normal, regular stuff. And not just to me, but like when we’re out in town running errands.” His tone turned a shade dry. “Like a lot more.” Jake laughed even as he rolled his eyes a little. “I used to w
ish for that all the time. Now, I don’t know.”
Hannah laughed with him. “Well, sometimes you don’t get to pick and choose. When you get one thing, you get all the things. Ultimately though, I’m guessing it’s worth the chattier part if it gets you the other part.”
“Definitely true,” Jake said.
The anxiety she’d noticed before seemed to be gone now. He looked more like the kid she’d gotten to know. That helped her to relax all the way, too. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as hard on either of them as she’d been afraid it might be.
“Is it okay if I say that I like that you’re seeing my dad?”
Hannah nodded and tried not to cover her heart with her hand. He was really good at just sliding those big questions right in there. This time the answer was easy. “Very okay,” she said. “In fact, it would only be okay for me if it was okay for you.”
Jake looked surprised
Hannah lifted her shoulder as if it were a simple enough thing, but held his gaze directly when she spoke, wanting him to see her sincerity. “You and your dad are a package deal. He takes that very seriously, as he should. So do I. I’d be exactly the same way if it were me and Liam letting someone new into our lives.”
“That makes sense,” he said. “I’m glad,” he added. “Bailey said Liam would be about my age.” Jake’s gaze lifted to hers as if he’d realized too late that might not be a good thing to say.
“It’s true,” Hannah said, giving him a reassuring look. “You two are very different though. He was more like . . . well, I was about to say Bailey, but no one is like Bailey.”
Jake laughed at that. “Right?”
Hannah laughed too. “I guess if I had to pick a person we both know, I’d say Liam was most like Seth. Very outgoing, almost to a fault. He would talk to anyone, anywhere, and he was an outrageous flirt. Even as a baby.”
Jake’s laughter was half boyish giggle, half teenage croak. “Definitely Mr. B. Even now that he’s married, he’s still like that with Pippa. It’s embarrassing.”
Amused, Hannah thought Jake wouldn’t find it embarrassing for much longer. Like, any day now. “I like to think maybe he’d have had a friend like you. Someone more grounded, a thinker, someone who asks all the questions and figures things out first, then leaps.” She grinned. “He’d have definitely needed that.”
Lavender Blue Page 24