“Do you feel like you’re being, I don’t know, untrue, to Liam somehow? Being in a new family?”
Hannah shook her head. “I don’t. Truly. I honestly don’t know where all the emotion and the anxiety comes from, but it’s exhausting, Chey. It’s not like before; it’s not grief. It’s just . . .” She ducked her head and rested her forehead on her arms. “This big, heavy weight on my chest. And it’s getting heavier, not lighter. I should be able to figure this out.”
Chey rubbed Hannah’s shoulder. “Maybe you need to talk to someone. I mean, we’ve all done that. You know it can help.”
“I know,” she said, and sniffled at the wetness that wouldn’t leave her eyes. “I’ve thought about it. I guess I just . . . it feels like a big step backward.” She waved her hand. “And I know that’s not how it works.” She shook her head. “I’m afraid if I don’t get a handle on it, I’m going to start finding ways to duck seeing Will, too. Or spend less time together, until I can get a grip. Only, he’s not stupid; he knows something isn’t right. If I don’t figure this out, there won’t be anything left to get a grip on.”
“Then go talk to someone who can help you figure it out,” Chey repeated. “It sounds like you’re fighting off panic attacks. They happen for a reason, Han, but not necessarily one you can obviously see. Even if you’ve never had it before, you know it can be a thing. We’ve all had enough counseling to know that grief can be pretty insidious. Even when you do the hard work. You know how to look for help, how to ask.”
Hannah nodded. “I know. And you’re right. I’ve been avoiding facing the truth because I just don’t want it to be true.” She looked at Chey through tear-filled eyes. “I’m tired of having to fight for things. Normal things. I don’t want to ruin this, Chey. It’s better than anything I could have ever hoped to have again. I’m truly happier than I’ve been in so long.” She laughed as she sniffled. “Can’t you tell?”
Chey laughed with her and they hugged over the stall door. “You’ll do fine. You’ll figure this out. Go talk to someone, Han. Okay? And I really think you need to talk to Will about it, too. So he knows you’re working on it. That you want to fix it. If he can’t be there for you with this, then you need to know that, too. Right?”
Hannah nodded. “You’re right. About all of it.”
Chey gently tipped Hannah’s chin up until their gazes met. “Promise me.” She didn’t make it a question.
Hannah nodded. “No regrets.”
Chey beamed and kissed her on the forehead. “That’s my girl. Now, dry your face, and grab a bottle of water to rehydrate. You’re coming with me. I need to get these horses out to pasture, which means I’ve got to go see an eleven-year-old to negotiate a deal for those goats.” She shot Hannah a wink. “And I’m pretty sure I’m going to need backup.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
“Hold the vine here, then snip,” Jake said as he showed Will how to prune the grapevine.
“How can you tell which ones to cut and which ones to leave?”
The two continued walking the rows of vines, and Jake explained the pros and cons of overcutting and undercutting, and how the weather could make it all a moot point.
Will shook his head. “I do understand how the weather can make a difference in a person’s business. It affects mine. But this seems like an awful lot is left up to Mother Nature.”
Jake grinned. “I know—that’s what makes it such a cool challenge.”
Will chuckled and just shook his head. In the past year or so since he’d gotten interested in grape growing, Jake had shown Will pretty much every step of the process once the grapes were harvested, but they’d never had the chance to walk the fields like this. “I’m proud of you for pursuing something you enjoy.”
Jake shot him a proud smile. “You can thank Mr. B for that,” he said. “For letting me bug him to death and hang around until he showed me stuff just to shut me up.”
Will chuckled, knowing exactly how insistent his son could be when he got fixated on something. Like wanting to know more about his mom. Will saw the same passion and determination now when he was playing the fiddle, when he was singing. “Seth has had nothing but good things to say about you, your work for him. Between your schoolwork, working for Seth, helping out with the sheep and the goats, then doing all this, and now your music, too, I have to say I was kind of worried that you’ve been taking on so much. You’ve impressed me a lot with how well you manage all of it, but maybe you need to lighten the load, just a little.”
Jake flushed with pride at his dad’s praise. “Thanks, Dad. But none of this feels like work to me. I enjoy doing all of it. Like, what else would I be doing?”
Will shook his head again, but he was grinning. “Well, then you’re definitely doing something right.”
They continued to walk the rows, with Will doing some of the trimming, under Jake’s supervision. It hit him as he watched his son, listened to him talk, and not for the first time, just how fast his teen years were going to go. It seemed as if yesterday he was dropping Jake off at grade school. Before long, they’d be filling out college applications and talking about dorm supplies. Will was excited for Jake, and the opportunities his hard work would provide him. That he had an aptitude for music and a love of farming would hold him in good stead, even if he ended up taking a completely different path. Will knew what it was to be passionate about something, and he hoped Jake used his own current passions as a barometer of sorts when making his future decisions.
On the other hand, Will wasn’t ready for the empty nest. Having Hannah in his life would mitigate some of the feeling of loss, he knew, but it didn’t change the core fact that it wouldn’t be like when Jake went off to summer camp. He wouldn’t be coming back, at least not in the traditional father-son roles they’d shared up to that point. Will wanted, badly, for Jake to choose a life that would allow him to stay in the Falls, but he couldn’t, and wouldn’t, stand in his way. As a Marine, Will spent years away, and he’d support his son no matter what, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have his own dreams, his own desires, about how he hoped it would all turn out.
He and Hannah had even talked about that, and she’d asked him if he’d be willing to uproot and live elsewhere if Jake settled in some other part of the country, or the world. Will hadn’t really thought about that before. He didn’t rule the possibility out, he supposed, but he truly hoped it wouldn’t come to that. Not only because he couldn’t see himself living anywhere else now, but he’d be less than honest if he said Hannah wasn’t already factoring in to his future thoughts. He wasn’t so sure about what she was thinking. On the surface, things seemed fine. Better than fine. But something wasn’t completely right. He’d wanted to bring it up, but then he’d convince himself he was just borrowing trouble, that whatever it is, Hannah would tell him when the time was right for her.
“Is Hannah going to come to rehearsals with you later?”
Pulled from his thoughts, he turned to Jake. “She wants to work on the last part of that painting of the amphitheater, so she may come and set up for that. It’s been pretty hectic out at the farm lately with the end of the season coming.”
Jake nodded, understanding more than most about harvesting things. But Will caught the troubled look in his son’s eyes before he turned his attention to the next vine in need of trimming.
“Is something the matter?” Will asked, trying for as casual a tone as possible. “We could ask her to come by for dinner after rehearsal if you want.”
“I doubt she would,” Jake said, sounding disappointed.
“What makes you say that?”
“I know she’s super busy and all, but it seems like she doesn’t do things with us. I mean the three of us. Together. She does things with me and I know we’re cool. You two are always doing stuff together, and there’s no doubt she’s really happy when she’s with you. But she doesn’t hang out with us together. And I know you’ve asked. So have I.”
The niggle that
had been bothering Will now became a full-fledged nudge. So he wasn’t the only one who thought there was trouble in paradise. “You have?”
“Sure. I mean, I like her, Dad. I like her a lot. I always have. So, yeah, I think it would be cool to do stuff together.” Jake paused, and Will could see he was working up the nerve to say something else.
“What else?” Will asked, ducking his chin to make eye contact with Jake. “Whatever it is, it’s okay to say it. I’m not going to take sides, Jake. I truly want to hear your thoughts. If it affects you, it affects me.”
Jake still paused, then finally looked directly at his dad. “Do you think maybe being with us together makes her sad? Because of . . . you know.”
“Because of Liam?” Will asked, understanding Jake was trying to be sensitive, wanting to reassure him it was okay to speak directly about things, even when they were hard. “She’s never said anything like that to me.” But Will knew the instant Jake had said it, that the pattern was pretty clear. Hannah’s excuses had always been valid, and he didn’t doubt their veracity, but at the same time, she had never once actually taken him up on a single family-style get-together. “She doesn’t seem like that when we talk about you,” Will said. “I don’t doubt her affection for you is anything but sincere.”
“I think so, too,” Jake said. “That’s why I wondered. I guess . . . I don’t mean that she doesn’t like to be around me, or around you. I just think she has a problem with us looking like a family. I think maybe it makes her miss the one she had.” He turned away. “I don’t know. I could be completely misreading it. I just . . .” He looked back at Will. “I don’t want to hurt her, Dad. She’s been through enough, you know? Maybe she likes us, but she just isn’t ready for anything more.” He cast his gaze down for a moment, then back to Will. “With what happened to her and all, maybe she never will be.”
Will didn’t answer right away, but all he could think was out of the mouths of babes. He suspected Jake had hit it right on the head. Everything did seem fine between him and Hannah, and he’d only heard positive things about the times Hannah had hung out with Jake and Bailey at Addie’s or at Seth’s, and the times Jake and Bailey had come to Lavender Blue to handle the goats. He knew both of the kids often hung out in the kitchen with Hannah, Vivienne, and Avery, and that Bailey had bargained horseback riding lessons in exchange for her goat brush-clearing services. So Hannah and Jake saw each other pretty regularly, and Will felt he’d know if there was any problem there.
That wasn’t the problem.
“I don’t know,” he told Jake, understanding it was imperative not to build false hope. Jake might have had a little crush on Hannah way back in the spring, but he’d shifted gears when Will had started seeing her. He knew Jake was becoming very attached to Hannah, and why wouldn’t he? They were great together. But if what Jake suspected were true, Will needed to find a way to talk about it with Hannah. In a way that would hopefully come with a solution.
“Maybe if we both talk to her together,” Jake said. “Tell her it’s okay to keep things like they are.”
Will shook his head. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but life doesn’t work that way. Relationships aren’t stagnant things. Any kind of real relationship grows and deepens as it matures, as time goes on. And not just the romantic kind. All relationships. Yours and Bailey’s, yours and Hannah’s, mine and Addie’s. The more time we spend with people who are important to us, the more we share, the more we grow.”
“I get it,” Jake said. “I know you’re right.”
They fell silent for a long minute, the vine trimming completely forgotten. Will finally drew in a long breath and let it out slowly, trying like hell to keep the ball of anxiety that had already begun to form a knot in his gut from getting any bigger. He’d lost the first woman he’d ever truly loved to circumstances far beyond his control. He wasn’t about to lose the second if there was something he could do about it. “She’s going out to Addie’s tomorrow, to paint down in the meadow. I’ll rearrange my schedule and go down there and talk with her. She likes it there, and it’s . . . well, it’s a special place. I know she’ll be honest with me, and I promise to be honest with you about whatever is said.”
Jake nodded solemnly. “Just . . . don’t say anything wrong. Okay?”
Will smiled at that, even as his heart broke a little. Jake wasn’t getting attached to Hannah, he was already all in. Like father, like son. Will just hoped they wouldn’t be handling heartbreak as father and son, too.
He tousled Jake’s hair, which he used to love, but these days barely tolerated with a grimace. “I’ll do my best.”
Jake reached out and tousled Will’s hair, then grinned at the shocked look on his dad’s face. Right before Will raked his fingers through his hair to set it back to rights.
“It’s so not cool,” Jake said wryly.
“Yeah,” Will agreed. “Point made.” They both laughed, then finally turned their attention back to the vines.
Don’t say anything wrong.
Yeah. If only Will could figure out how the hell to be sure he didn’t do that.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Hannah checked the slowly darkening skies, made a few more strokes to finish up a corner of the stone lamb house, then reluctantly began packing up her tools while the watercolor dried. She raised her arms and stretched. It was cooler up here, but not by much. She slipped off her straw hat and mopped her forehead with one of her clean rags. “Come on, rain,” she murmured.
It was hard to believe it was August already, but there was no doubting the late summer heat. It hadn’t rained except a little cloudburst here and there for close to a month. They’d had to invest in a different kind of sprinkler setup for the lavender fields just to keep them from dying out completely before the final harvest. Most of the fields were done, but that final culling was critical to their plan to lay in stores big enough for the quantity of product they’d wanted to make over the winter months. They’d decided on throwing another community party in September before the weather turned cold. No lavender picking this time, but definitely some music, the tearoom would be open, and they would have a wreath-making workshop and another wine-tasting combo with Bluestone & Vine. After that, they’d hold a two-day open house between Thanksgiving and Christmas to do a preview launch of their product line. Vivienne was planning on holding weekly teas through the winter before the actual launch of the tearoom in the spring. She’d secured all the proper permits now, so she could hire staff and operate as a full-fledged business.
It still felt as if they had five million things to do, and on top of that, Hannah was trying to get enough artwork done to fill her stall in the mill, which she’d start manning on a regular schedule once the farm wound down at the end of summer. She’d already taken a few commissions from people who had seen her painting at the amphitheater rehearsals or in various other spots around the Falls. And what time she wasn’t spending tending the lavender fields and painting, was spent with Will. Or with Jake.
Her phone buzzed with an incoming text and she smiled. “Speaking of those McCall men.” She reached down and saw it was from Will. He’d initially intended to join her down in the meadow for a picnic supper. She’d thought it was a bit buggy and hot for that, but was so charmed that he’d thought of it, she’d agreed without hesitation. Now with what looked like a change in the weather, he was telling her it would be best to get up the trail before it became a mud slide. “I couldn’t agree more,” she said, and texted him the same. Seeing her phone was close to dying, she searched in her bag for her external battery pack—something she’d taken to carrying since she had a habit of losing track of time when she painted, and realized she’d left the unit charging back on her kitchen counter. She hurried to let Will know that, and that she was packing up and would text again when she was heading back to the Falls and had a chance to charge her phone in the car a bit.
She glanced up at the sky again and frowned. It was definitely lo
oking dark over the distant peaks. She finished stowing her gear and carefully stored her painting in her art valise. She hauled the lot of it over to the shed, never so thankful for Addie’s offer to store her work there. Because Bailey stored feed and some medical supplies in there, the shed was temperature controlled by a big solar energy panel mounted to the roof, so her supplies stayed in good condition.
The bleating of the babies coming from the lamb house beckoned her, and after she closed up the shed, she took another glance at the sky and decided she had a few minutes to indulge herself. She’d apologized to Snowball many times for blubbering all over his soft, wooly curls. The lamb wasn’t being bottle fed any longer and no longer resembled the scrawny little bundle he’d been several months ago. He would always be Hannah’s favorite, and she kept a small little something in her pocket for the lamb to nibble on, when she could sneak it to him without being stampeded by the whole herd.
Hannah stepped inside the dimly lit interior, immediately sighing in relief at the cool, dank air, even if she had to take a moment to get used to the various barn smells that came with it. She marveled over how big the last batch of babies was getting and covered her heart with her hand at the sight of two new ones in the far stall. “Seriously,” she told them, peering over the stable door. “Stop it with the cuteness.” It was a miracle Bailey hadn’t talked her into taking one or a dozen of them home to Lavender Blue with her already. As it was, Chey was already talking about getting a few of Bailey’s pygmy goats to keep full time. Not because they needed them anymore for clearing purposes. And that had been an amazing lesson in animal power right there. But because in that miniature size they were just so stinking cute.
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