“Nothing, just tired from the trip.”
“Bullshit,” Rhodes says. “You miss your girl.”
“Yeah, I do.” I admit.
“Well she gets in soon, right?” Blake asks.
“Yeah, Bateman and I are picking her and Blaire up at the airport,” I reply.
Bateman remains silent. Not good.
The drive to Logan Airport is excruciating. Bateman doesn’t speak unless I prompt him, and even then it’s yes or no responses. Kiernan still hasn’t responded to a single text. It’s been almost a full day. I’m starting to get pissed more than I am freaked out.
“Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on?” I finally ask him.
“What?” he asks, but I can tell he knows what I mean.
“You know what I mean. Why are you being all fucking evasive and shit? Do you know why Kiernan won’t text me back?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“You’re my fucking best friend, bro. What the shit?”
“You’re right, fuck it, you’re right. I do. I do know and Blaire made me swear not to tell you, but fuck it.” He’s nervously throwing out words. “Don’t tell her I told you. She’ll kill me. But you’re my best friend and I can’t keep shit from you. She had to know that when she told me right?”
“Just fucking tell me,” I snarl. I’m annoyed and pissed off. If he doesn’t speak soon, I’ll shove my arm down his throat and pull the words out.
“She texted me last night. She’s torn up man. Kiernan is going to break up with you.”
BAM! I feel like I was just hit by a freight train.
“I had a feeling,” is all I can mutter.
With those words, my heart dies. I feel my chest cave in where it used to be. An ache starts traveling through my body and I feel as though my whole body is shriveling up. I feel the way those hideous little sea creatures looked in Ursula’s dungeon in “The Little Mermaid.” Shriveled up, useless and pitiful.
“Why?” I ask. I want her to tell me herself, but I need to know.
“I don’t know, man. B wouldn’t tell me that. I’m so sorry. That’s why I didn’t ask you to come. I don’t want this to happen to you at all, let alone at the airport.”
I am at a fucking loss, racking my brain to replay the last time we were together and every communication since then. We had unbelievable sex before I left with the team. She texted me when they got to New Orleans that they were loving the city and having so much fun sightseeing. Everything was great until the bowl game.
I flash back to her snuggled into my arms, watching football on Sunday afternoons. I envision her sprawled out across my bed. Naked. Her tanned skin, perfect tits, and the way she sticks out her tongue when she’s about to come. I can practically hear my name on her lips. I’m now wishing the last fifteen minutes of our drive drag on for eternity. Because for fifteen more minutes, I still have a girlfriend.
“You sure you want to come in?” Bateman asks as he parks.
I nod.
“I need to hear it from her,” I concede.
“Dude, I am so fucking sorry.” I know he means it and that he feels awful, but it doesn’t matter. I’m a shell of the man I was fifteen minutes ago.
“I know. Thanks for giving me the heads up.”
The wait for Blaire and Kiernan seems to take forever. I feel like a dead man walking. That last walk, like in the “Green Mile,” didn’t seem so long in the movie, but now I imagine how that must have felt. Just walking a long, cold hallway to your death.
Finally, they appear and my heart starts racing. I thought we’d meet in a huge embrace and kiss like they do in the movies. She was going to be so fucking happy we’re going to play for a title. She would be there in the front row in Atlanta. I was going to give her two of my player tickets. For her and Blaire.
She looks... sad? Her normally bubbly personality is off somehow. Duh. She’s going to break up with you. Blaire doesn’t smile either. She’s glaring right through Bateman. I can see Bateman shrug beside me. She knows he told me. She can see it on our faces, and in our reaction to their approach.
“Hey.” I finally break the ice.
“Hey,” Blaire responds. Kiernan is avoiding eye contact with me. I want to grab her. Shake her. Kiss her. But I don’t move. My pansy ass just stands there like the little bitch I am. The little bitch she turned me into when she took my heart and then crushed it.
No one speaks and no one moves.
“Let’s go home,” she finally says to no one in particular.
The drive back to Woodbury is worse than the drive to the airport. The girls are in the back and Bateman and I are up front. So awkward. Endless silence. Not about the impending break-up, not about the game, nothing.
My emotions are running rampant. Anger, fear, dread, sadness, emptiness.
“Where are we going?” Bateman finally asks as we reach Woodbury.
“Apartment,” Blaire answers curtly.
SPLAT! That was my heart hitting the windshield of the car behind us, cuz I just chucked it out the window. I don’t need it.
We arrive at the girls’ place and they jump out with their bags. Bateman and I are left just standing there.
“Give us a second,” Kiernan says to Blaire. Bateman crawls back into the truck.
Here it comes.
“I already know,” I blurted out. “I just need to know why.”
She pauses. I thought she would have a speech ready, but she seems unprepared. “There’s just a lot going on. My season will be starting and you hav—“
“Bullshit. I call bullshit. That is a bullshit excuse, and I am not getting dumped by the only girl I have ever loved over bullshit,” I yell.
“That’s a lot of bullshit,” she laughs nervously. Is she really trying to make a fucking joke right now?
“This isn’t fucking funny, Kiernan. Are you scared of me? Scared of us? Regretting having sex with me? What is it? I can’t fucking figure it out on my own, because last I checked everything was pretty fucking perfect.” I run my hair through my hair is exasperation.
“I regret nothing,” she huffs. “But perfect? It may be perfect right now, but it won’t be forever. You’re going off and moving on, Mr. Heisman, and I’ll be left in the dust. We knew this wouldn’t work. We’ve talked about this before. I’ve seen it in real life too, and I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want to be my mom. You knew that from our first date. So, I’m getting ahead of the issue. Before we get hurt.”
“You don’t think I’m fucking hurt now? That’s—” I can’t think of another word because I’m so pissed right now, “bullshit! And you know it. You know we’re different. Of course it won't be perfect forever. We’ll fight, I’m sure. Especially when the Pats play the Vikings. But we’ll work through it because we love each other and that’s what people who love each other do. They fight. We’re a fucking team, and you don’t bail on your teammates. Not now, not ever.”
“Are we still talking about us or your actual team?”
“That was harsh, KK,” I practically whisper.
“Call me Kiernan, Brooks. Only my friends call me, KK.” And with that she turns and walks away, pulling her suitcase behind her.
I think my heart, soul, and guts are laying on the pavement.
Chapter 19: Kiernan
January
“I can’t believe you said that to him,” Watts says. She’s rarely speechless, and when I broke the news to her and Duncan after winter break that’s all she managed to say. Other than “fucking-a,” which she has said that about 30 times throughout my story about Rhett, the bowl game and the break-up outside our apartment.
“You dumped the most eligible bachelor in this school. The hottest guy on campus. The star quarterback of—” Duncan starts spouting off Brook’s resume before I stop her.
“I get it,” I reply. “I’m a royal idiot.”
The last couple weeks have been hell. Absolute hell. I’ve never cried until I’ve puked bef
ore. That was a new experience. If I stay this way, I won’t need eye black. I can just use the black circles under my eyes from the Brooks-induced insomnia. My skin is dry and kinda itchy from lack of care. I showered… once. Shaving? Forget it. Sasquatch in the flesh over here. My hair is a ratty mess. I haven’t brushed it since we got back from New Orleans. I just keep putting it in a bun. I’ve barely changed my clothes. I smell like Sasquatch too. I am pretty sure I’ve lost ten pounds, because eating is unappealing.
Blaire has been here for me. She didn’t go back to Barnstable. She stayed with me and she’s bailed on Bateman more times than I can count. I feel terrible about it. I’ve experienced something I never thought I would. A broken heart. Shattered really. And I did it to myself.
Classes resume Monday, thank fuck. I need a distraction and a schedule. A reason to move and rejoin society. We also start practice soon. Again, thank fuck.
Tonight is Pi Kappa’s big bash before classes resume for the second semester. They don’t really need an excuse, but they come up with one anyway. The girls are ready to head out to the party, and they’re begging me to go. I have no desire to go and my girls push, but not too much. They know I don’t want to see him. That I can’t see him. I would die, or puke, or puke then die. I don’t know how it would play out.
“Should we just stay here?” Blaire asks the collective.
“Absolutely fucking not,” I reply.
They all look at me. “Go!” I make a shooing motion toward the door with my hands.
I grab my Patriots blanket, turn on SportsCenter, and snuggle in. First story, the Cambria Golden Knights football team’s miracle season and predictions for their championship game next week. Their season’s success, and I quote, “hinges on the golden arm and leadership of their star quarterback Brooks McCarthy.” Seriously? I can’t catch a fucking break.
My girls bust back into the apartment and startle me. They stand there in the doorway, just staring at me.
“What the hell?”
“We’re going out. To Eden,” Blaire commands. “Brooks will be at the Pi Kappa house and you need a night out. If you’re serious about never getting back together with him, then it's time to move on. You’ve barely showered in two weeks.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
They look at the TV just as Brooks’ interview from New Orleans flashes.
“So you’d rather sit here and torture yourself, Pouty McPoutypants?” Watts asks. “You’re starting to smell like a foot. Get your ass up and get in the shower. We’re going.”
“You’re a fucking dick you know that, right? I like my new stench,” I deadpan and sniff my armpit.
“Get dressed, asshole.” She smiles.
Maybe she’s right. I need to get my ass up and stop sulking over Brooks. There’s no going back now. If he’s going to the Pi Kappa party, and Blaire would know, he’s clearly moving on or has already moved on. After my shower, I put on my dark skinny jeans, the black off-the-shoulder shirt I wore the night with Brooks, and some black ankle booties with a small heel. I throw my hair in a messy bun and I’m ready. I resemble a human, but I feel like a slug. Slimy, useless, and disgusting. But even slugs have hearts, so they’re one step above me at the moment.
We arrive at Eden, a nightclub in downtown Woodbury. It’s the only dance club among all the other bars that line Third Street, and has a Garden of Eden theme, with vines and ivy strung all over. Plastic snakes and serpents are strategically placed around the club to look like they are slithering from the ground and the fake trees. Green lasers flash around the space. There’s a large dance floor with random elevated boxes occupied by sexy women dancing on them. Apple pasties are pressed over their nipples and green sequins thongs cover – well, they don’t cover much. A large bar sits in the back corner. That’s where I need to be.
“Bar!” I shout. We all got carded, but Watts knew the bouncer so he let me in even though I’m not 21 yet.
Blaire orders all of us two shots of tequila. “We’re forgetting it all tonight, ladies! Cheers!”
We down our shots and order a round of beers.
“I’m glad you guys dragged me out. Thank you,” I tell them.
“KK, we’d never let you suffer alone,” Duncan says.
“So we will all suffer together!” Watts shouts. “Another round, Tony!” she calls out to the bartender.
Two more tequila shots and I’m ready to shake my ass.
“Let’s dance!” I shout. I will have fun tonight and be a normal college student if it kills me. I’m pretty dead inside anyway, so it’s worth a shot to feel something. Anything.
“Hell yeah! KK is feeling good tonight!” Blaire laughs as we wind our way to the dance floor. I’m not, but I fake it. I appreciate my friends doing this for me. They should be living it up at Pi Kappa. Getting hit on, drinking, laughing, dancing and enjoying being young. Not babysitting their roommate who broke her own heart.
Blaire is right about one thing. I’m drunk. It’s been a while since my roommates have seen me like this. I don’t drink enough to get wasted most of the time. This is the first time since the incident on Halloween and since I met Brooks that I’ve really let loose.
We’re dancing around and grinding on each other, and I’m forcing myself to have fun without Brooks. Granted, my heart aches because I wish I was grinding on him. I miss his touch. The alcohol is helping to turn my brain off, but every once in a while he creeps back in and the ache starts all over.
As I’m thinking about Brooks touching me, I feel an arm snake around my waist. I look up and there are three more guys all doing the same thing to my friends. We all continue to move to the music with these strangers. It feels uncomfortable being in the arms of another man. I don’t like it. I feel like I’m cheating on Brooks, like I’m doing something illegal and I am about to get busted. I know that’s illogical. We broke up and he’s probably fucking some sorority sister right now at the Pi Kappa house. I try to push the image from my mind, but I keep envisioning Brooks’ abs being scratched by long red manicured nails. Bile starts rising in my throat. It’s either bile or tequila. Either way, I think I’m going to vomit.
After a while I turn around to see who’s touching me. I need a distraction from the porno starring Brooks McCarthy and Big Boobs McGee that’s playing in my mind. “Hey,” the guy says, “you’re gorgeous.”
The word makes my stomach sink. It doesn’t feel right. The word sounds foreign coming from another man. I don’t want this guy’s arms around me. I want Brooks’ arms around me. I miss his skin, his scent, and I even miss his stubble scraping my cheek when he leans into me. None of this feels the same. There’s no fire, no heat in my core.
“Hi,” I reply. I’m annoyed with myself. I know at this moment that this man isn’t going to heal my heart.
“I’m Connor, can I buy you a drink?” He is cute. Short, maybe five-nine, dark bushy hair, dark brown eyes and a week’s worth of a beard. He’s wearing a gray quarter-zip sweater, dark jeans, and loafers of some kind. He smells like a dude. Cologne and body wash. It smells good-ish.
“Nah, I’m good for now.” I smile. I don’t feel like drinking anymore. I want to go home and just be sad. At least that feels like what I should be doing. I want to be sad. I want to feel. Feeling is what made it real. What made him real. I want it all. The good, the bad, the pain, the ache. That’s all I have left of him.
“These are my boys,” he keeps talking. “Jesse, Mason, and Isaac.” I have no idea which one is which and I don’t really care. My girls are having fun dancing with them, so that’s good I guess.
“What’s your name?” he asks. Shit, I didn’t even care enough to introduce myself. He’s polite, don’t be a dick.
“Kiernan,” I reply. “Sorry, I’m just kinda out of it.”
“It’s cool,” he shrugs. He resumes dancing around me while I sort of shuffle around. He’s running his hands all over my hips and back. His rhythm is off the beat. He’s laughing and having a good
time, but I can’t dance to this. It is jerky and spastic. Brooks was smooth and calm. He knew how to work his body and mine. Every. Fucking. Thing. Reminds me of Brooks and what I lost. Connor is bopping around while he gropes me, but I just don’t care. I don’t feel anything but emptiness, even in his embrace.
“I’m ready to go!” I shout over the music to my friends.
“It’s only 1 a.m.! Just a little longer,” Watts pleads with me.
“Fine, but I’m taking a break.” I turn to Connor. “I’m gonna sit for a bit.” Which he takes as an invitation to follow me. I’m going to be a shitty company. We find a table off to the side of the bar and sit down.
“You go to Cambria?” he asks.
“Yeah, you?”
“Nah, I’m a mechanic in town here. I actually live in Boston.”
“Neat. Sounds like an interesting job.” I don’t even know what I’m saying. I’m uninterested and trying not to be a bitch. I can only think of Brooks and my body hurts from holding back my tears.
“Neat?” he laughs. “You’re really not into me are you?”
“I-I’m not. Sorry. I just ended a relationship and I am just not ready for anything… or anyone else,” I reply somberly. I never will be.
“I get it. It took me a year to get over my ex. We got married at nineteen when she got pregnant. We were too young. Different people now than we were then I guess.” He pulls out a picture of a little girl from his wallet. “This is Everly.” He smiles proudly. She looks about six or seven now. Which would make Connor about 25.
“She’s beautiful,” I smile.
“If you want to leave, I can give you a ride,” he says. “I drove here so I haven’t been drinking.”
I really want to go, but I don’t know if I trust this guy. He seems harmless, but so did Carli.
“I should wait for my friends,” I reply.
“It’ll get better.” Connor smiles. “I’m living proof of that.”
Connor gets up, but I sit at the table for what feels like an eternity, watching my roommates dance with Huey, Dewey, and Louie out there. I have no idea where Connor went, but that’s okay. I hope he finds someone who isn’t broken like I am. “It’ll get better…” His words are rumbling around in my brain. He may think so, but he wasn’t in love with Brooks McCarthy. The one and only. I know in my gut that I will never meet anyone else like him. No one that will light my fire again.
Exception (Cambria University Series Book 1) Page 23