Chapter XIII
The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, hisprescriptions consisting of _draughts_ only--O'Brien finishes thehistory of his life, in which the proverb of "the more the merrier" issadly disproved--_Shipping_ a new pair of boots causes the _unshipping_of their owner--Walking home after a ball, O'Brien meets with anaccident.
The next morning I was on deck at seven bells, to see the hammocksstowed, when I was witness to Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, havingrecourse to one of his remedies to cure a mizen-top-boy of smoking, apractice to which he had a great aversion. He never interfered with themen smoking in the galley, or chewing tobacco; but he prevented theboys, that is, lads under twenty or there-abouts, from indulging in thehabit too early. The first lieutenant smelt the tobacco as the boypassed him on the quarter-deck. "Why, Neill, you have been smoking,"said the first lieutenant. "I thought you were aware that I did notpermit such lads as you to use tobacco."
"If you please, sir," replied the mizen-top-man, touching his hat, "I'segot worms, and they say that smoking be good for them."
"Good for them!" said the first lieutenant; "yes, very good for them,but very bad for you. Why, my good fellow, they'll thrive upon tobaccountil they grow as large as conger eels. Heat is what the worms are fondof; but cold--cold will kill them. Now I'll cure you. Quarter-master,come here. Walk this boy up and down the weather-gangway, and every timeyou get forward abreast of the main-tack block, put his mouth towindward, squeeze him sharp by the nape of the neck until he opens hismouth wide, and there keep him and let the cold air blow down histhroat, while you count ten; then walk him aft, and when you are forwardagain, proceed as before.--Cold kills worms, my poor boy, not tobacco--Iwonder that you are not dead by this time."
The quarter-master, who liked the joke, as did all the seamen, seizedhold of the lad, and as soon as they arrived forward, gave him such asqueeze of the neck as to force him to open his mouth, if it were onlyto cry with pain. The wind was very fresh, and blew into his mouth sostrong, that it actually whistled while he was forced to keep it open;and thus, he was obliged to walk up and down, cooling his inside, fornearly two hours, when the first lieutenant sent for him, and told him,that he thought all the worms must be dead by that time; but if theywere not, the lad was not to apply his own remedies, but come to him foranother dose. However, the boy was of the same opinion as the firstlieutenant, and never complained of worms again.
A few nights afterwards, when we had the middle watch, O'Brien proceededwith his story.
"Where was it that I left off?"
"You left off at the time that you were taken out of confinement."
"So I did, sure enough; and it was with no good-will that I went to myduty. However, as there was no help for it, I walked up and down thedeck as before, with my hands in my pockets, thinking of old Ireland,and my great ancestor, Brien Borru. And so I went on behaving myselflike a real gentleman, and getting into no more scrapes, until the fleetput into the Cove of Cork, and I found myself within a few miles of myfather's house. You may suppose that the anchor had hardly kissed themud, before I went to the first lieutenant, and asked leave to go onshore. Now the first lieutenant was not in the sweetest of tempers,seeing as how the captain had been hauling him over the coals for notcarrying on the duty according to his satisfaction. So he answered mevery gruffly, that I should not leave the ship. 'Oh, bother!' said I tomyself, 'this will never do.' So up I walked to the captain, andtouching my hat, reminded him that 'I had a father and mother, and apretty sprinkling of brothers and sisters, who were dying to see me, andthat I hoped that he would give me leave.' 'Ax the first lieutenant,'said he, turning away. 'I have, sir,' replied I, 'and he says that thedevil a bit shall I put my foot on shore.' 'Then you have misbehavedyourself,' said the captain. 'Not a bit of it, Captain Willis,' repliedI; 'it's the first lieutenant who has misbehaved.' 'How, sir?' answeredhe, in an angry tone. 'Why, sir, didn't he misbehave just now in notcarrying on the duty according to your will and pleasure? and didn't youserve him out just as he deserved--and isn't he sulky because you did--and arn't that the reason why I am not to go on shore? You see, yourhonour, it's all true as I said; and the first lieutenant has misbehavedand not I. I hope you will allow me to go on shore, captain, God blessyou! and make some allowance for my parental feelings towards thearthers of my existence.' 'Have you any fault to find with Mr O'Brien?'said the captain to the first lieutenant, as he came aft. 'No more thanI have with midshipmen in general; but I believe it is not the customfor officers to ask leave to go on shore before the sails are furled andthe yards squared.' 'Very true,' replied the captain; 'therefore, MrO'Brien, you must wait until the watch is called, and then, if you askthe first lieutenant, I have no doubt but you will have leave granted toyou to go and see your friends.' 'Thank'e kindly, sir,' replied I; and Ihoped that the yards and sails would be finished off as soon aspossible, for my heart was in my mouth, and I felt that if I had beenkept much longer, it would have flown on shore before me.
"I thought myself very clever in this business, but I was never agreater fool in my life; for there was no such hurry to have gone onshore, and the first lieutenant never forgave me for appealing to thecaptain--but of that by-and-by, and all in good time. At last I obtaineda grumbling assent to my going on shore, and off I went like asky-rocket. Being in a desperate hurry, I hired a jaunting-car to takeme to my father's house. 'Is it the O'Brien of Ballyhinch that youmane?' inquired the spalpeen who drove the horse. 'Sure it is,' repliedI; 'and how is he, and all the noble family of the O'Briens?" 'All wellenough, bating the boy Tim, who caught a bit of confusion in his headthe other night at the fair, and now lies at home in bed quiteinsensible to mate or drink; but the doctors give hopes of his recovery,as all the O'Briens are known to have such thick heads.' 'What do youmane by that, bad manners to you?' said I, 'but poor Tim--how did ithappen--was there a fight?' 'Not much of a fight--only a bit of askrummage--three crowners' inquests, no more.' 'But you are not goingthe straight road, you thief,' said I, seeing that he had turned off tothe left. 'I've my reasons for that, your honour,' replied he; 'I alwaysturn away from the Castle out of principle--I lost a friend there, andit makes me melancholy.' 'How came that for to happen?' 'All byaccident, your honour; they hung my poor brother Patrick there, becausehe was a bad hand at arithmetic.' 'He should have gone to a betterschool then,' said I. 'I've an idea that it was a bad school that he wasbrought up in,' replied he, with a sigh. 'He was a cattle-dealer, yourhonour, and one day, somehow or another, he'd a cow too much--all fornot knowing how to count, your honour,--bad luck to his school-master.''All that may be very true,' said I, 'and pace be to his soul; but Idon't see why you are to drag me, that's in such a hurry, two miles outof my way, out of principle.' 'Is your honour in a hurry to get home?Then I'll be thinking they'll not be in such a hurry to see you.' 'Andwho told you that my name was O'Brien, you baste?--and do you dare tosay that my friends won't be glad to see me?' 'Plase your honour, it'sall an idea of mine--so say no more about it. Only this I know: FatherM'Grath, who gives me absolution, tould me the other day that I ought topay him, and not run in debt, and then run away like Terence O'Brien,who went to say without paying for his shirts, and his shoes, and hisstockings, nor anything else, and who would live to be hanged as sure asSt Patrick swam over the Liffey with his head under his arm.' 'Bad luckto that Father McGrath,' cried I; 'devil burn me, but I'll be revengedupon him!'
"By that time we had arrived at the door of my father's house. I paidthe rapparee, and in I popped. There was my father and mother, and allmy brothers and sisters (bating Tim, who was in bed sure enough, anddied next day), and that baste Father McGrath to boot. When my mothersaw me she ran to me and hugged me as she wept on my neck, and then shewiped her eyes and sat down again; but nobody else said 'How d'ye do?'or opened their mouths to me. I said to myself, 'Sure there's sometrifling mistake here,' but I held my tongue. At last they all openedtheir mouths with a vengeance. My father commenced--'Ar'n't you ashamedon yourself, Te
rence O'Brien?' 'Ar'n't you ashamed on yourself, TerenceO'Brien?' cried Father M'Grath. 'Ar'n't you ashamed on yourself?' criedout all my brothers and sisters in full chorus, whilst my poor motherput her apron to her eyes and said nothing. 'The devil a bit for myself,but very much ashamed for you all,' replied I, 'to treat me in thismanner. What's the meaning of all this?' 'Haven't they seized my twocows to pay for your toggery, you spalpeen?' cried my father. 'Haven'tthey taken the hay to pay for your shoes and stockings?' cried FatherM'Grath. 'Haven't they taken the pig to pay for that ugly hat of yours?'cried my eldest sister. 'And haven't they taken my hens to pay for thatdirk of yours?' cried another. 'And all our best furniture to pay foryour white shirts and black cravats?' cried Murdock, my brother. 'Andhaven't we been starved to death ever since?' cried they all. 'Ochhone!' said my mother. 'The devil they have!' said I, when they'd alldone. 'Sure I'm sorry enough, but it's no fault of mine. Father, didn'tyou send me to say?' 'Yes, you rapparee; but didn't you promise--ordidn't I promise for you, which is all one and the same thing--thatyou'd pay it all back with your prize-money--and where is it? answerthat, Terence O'Brien.' 'Where is it, father? I'll tell you; it's wherenext Christmas is--coming, but not come yet.' 'Spake to him, FatherM'Grath,' said my father. 'Is not that a lie of yours, Terence O'Brien,that you're after telling now?' said Father McGrath; 'give me themoney.' 'It's no lie, Father McGrath; if it pleased you to dieto-morrow, the devil of a shilling have I to jingle on your tombstonefor good luck, bating those three or four, which you may divide betweenyou, and I threw them on the floor.
"'Terence O'Brien,' said Father McGrath, 'its absolution that you'll bewanting to-morrow, after all your sins and enormities; and the devil abit shall you have--take that now.'
"'Father M'Grath,' replied I very angrily, 'it's no absolution that I'llwant from you, any how--take that now.'
"'Then you have had your share of heaven; for I'll keep you out of it,you wicked monster,' said Father M'Grath--'take that now.'
"'If it's no better than a midshipman's berth,' replied I, 'I'd just assoon stay out; but I'll creep in in spite of you--take that now, FatherM'Grath.'
"'And who's to save your soul, and send you to heaven, if I don't, youwicked wretch? but I'll see you d--d first--so take that now, TerenceO'Brien.'
"'Then I'll turn Protestant, and damn the Pope--take that now, FatherM'Grath.'
"At this last broadside of mine, my father and all my brothers andsisters raised a cry of horror, and my mother burst into tears. FatherM'Grath seized hold of the pot of holy water, and dipping in the littlewhisk, began to sprinkle the room, saying a Latin prayer, while they allwent on squalling at me. At last, my father seized the stool, which hehad been seated upon, and threw it at my head. I dodged, and it knockeddown Father M'Grath, who had just walked behind me in full song. I knewthat it was all over after that, so I sprang over his carcass, andgained the door. 'Good morning to ye all, and better manners to you nexttime we meet,' cried I, and off I set as fast as I could for the ship.
"I was melancholy enough as I walked back, and thought of what hadpassed. 'I need not have been in such a confounded hurry,' said I tomyself, 'to ask leave, thereby affronting the first lieutenant;' and Iwas very sorry for what I had said to the priest, for my consciencethumped me very hard at having even pretended that I'd turn Protestant,which I never intended to do, nor never will, but live and die a goodCatholic, as all my posterity have done before me, and, as I trust, allmy ancestors will for generations to come. Well, I arrived on board, andthe first lieutenant was very savage. I hoped he would get over it, buthe never did; and he continued to treat me so ill that I determined toquit the ship, which I did as soon as we arrived in Cawsand Bay. Thecaptain allowed me to go, for I told him the whole truth of the matter,and he saw that it was true; so he recommended me to the captain of ajackass frigate, who was in want of midshipmen."
"What do you mean by a jackass frigate?" inquired I.
"I mean one of your twenty-eight gun-ships, so called, because there isas much difference between them and a real frigate, like the one we aresailing in, as there is between a donkey and a racehorse. Well, the shipwas no sooner brought down to the dock-yard to have her ballast takenin, than our captain came down to her--a little, thin, spare man, but aman of weight nevertheless, for he brought a great pair of scales withhim, and weighed everything that was put on board. I forget his realname, but the sailors christened him Captain Avoirdupois. He had a largebook, and in it he inserted the weight of the ballast, and of the shot,water, provisions, coals, standing and running rigging, cables, andeverything else. Then he weighed all the men, and all the midshipmen,and all the midshipmen's chests, and all the officers, with everythingbelonging to them: lastly, he weighed himself, which did not add much tothe sum total. I don't exactly know what this was for; but he was alwaystalking about centres of gravity, displacement of fluid, and Lord knowswhat. I believe it was to find out the longitude, somehow or other, butI didn't remain long enough in her to know the end of it, for one day Ibrought on board a pair of new boots, which I forgot to report that theymight be put into the scales, which swang on the gangway; and whetherthe captain thought that they would sink his ship, or for what I can nottell, but he ordered me to quit her immediately--so, there I was adriftagain. I packed up my traps and went on shore, putting on my new bootsout of spite, and trod into all the mud and mire I could meet, andwalked up and down from Plymouth to Dock until I was tired, as apunishment to them, until I wore the scoundrels out in a fortnight.
"One day I was in the dockyard, looking at a two-decker in the basin,just brought forward for service, and I inquired who was to be thecaptain. They told me that his name was O'Connor. Then's he's acountryman of mine, thought I, and I'll try my luck. So I called atGoud's Hotel, where he was lodging, and requested to speak with him. Iwas admitted, and I told him, with my best bow, that I had come as avolunteer for his ship, and that my name was O'Brien. As it happened, hehad some vacancies, and liking my brogue, he asked me in what ships Ihad served. I told him, and also my reason for quitting my last--whichwas, because I was turned out of it. I explained the story of the boots,and he made inquiries, and found that it was all true; and then he gaveme a vacancy as master's mate. We were ordered to South America, and thetrade winds took us there in a jiffey. I liked my captain and officersvery much; and what was better, we took some good prizes. But somehow orother, I never had the luck to remain long in one ship, and that by nofault of mine; at least, not in this instance. All went on as smooth aspossible, until one day the captain took us on shore to a ball, at oneof the peaceable districts. We had a very merry night of it; but as luckwould have it, I had the morning watch to keep, and see the deckscleaned, and as I never neglected my duty, I set off about three o'clockin the morning, just at break of day, to go on board of the ship. I waswalking along the sands, thinking of the pretty girl that I'd beendancing with, and had got about half way to the ship, when threerapparees of Spanish soldiers came from behind a rock and attacked mewith their swords and bayonets. I had only my dirk, but I was not to berun through for nothing, so I fought them as long as I could. I finishedone fellow, but at last they finished me; for a bayonet passed throughmy body, and I forgot all about it. Well, it appears--for I can only sayto the best of my knowledge and belief--that after they had killed me,they stripped me naked and buried me in the sand, carrying away withthem the body of their comrade. So there I was--dead and buried."
"But, O'Brien," said I
"Whist--hold your tongue--you've not heard the end of it. Well, I hadbeen buried about an hour--but not very deep it appears, for they werein too great a hurry--when a fisherman and his daughter came along thebeach, on their way to the boat; and the daughter, God bless her! did methe favour to tread upon my nose. It was clear that she had never trodupon an Irishman's nose before, for it surprised her, and she lookeddown to see what was there, and not seeing anything, she tried it againwith her foot, and then she scraped off the sand, and discovered mypretty face. I was quite wa
rm and still breathing, for the sand hadstopped the blood, and prevented my bleeding to death. The fishermanpulled me out, and took me on his back to the house where the captainand officers were still dancing. When he brought me in, there was agreat cry from the ladies, not because I was murdered, for they are usedto it in those countries, but because I was naked, which they considereda much more serious affair. I was put to bed and a boat despatched onboard for our doctor; and in a few hours I was able to speak, and tellthem how it happened. But I was too ill to move when the ship sailed,which she was obliged to do in a day or two afterwards, so the captainmade out my discharge, and left me there. The family were French, and Iremained with them for six months before I could obtain a passage home,during which I learnt their language, and a very fair allowance ofSpanish to boot. When I arrived in England, I found that the prizes hadbeen sold, and that the money was ready for distribution. I produced mycertificate, and received L167 for my share. So it's come at last,thought I.
"I never had such a handful of money in my life; but I hope I shallagain very soon. I spread it out on the table as soon as I got home, andlooked at it, and then I said to myself, 'Now, Terence O'Brien, will youkeep this money to yourself, or send it home?' Then I thought of FatherM'Grath, and the stool that was thrown at my head, and I was very nearsweeping it all back into my pocket. But then I thought of my mother,and of the cows, and the pig, and the furniture, all gone; and of mybrothers and sisters wanting praties, and I made a vow that I'd sendevery farthing of it to them, after which Father M'Grath would no longerthink of not giving me absolution. So I sent them every doit, onlyreserving for myself the pay which I had received, amounting to aboutL30: and I never felt more happy in my life than when it was safe in thepost-office, and fairly out of my hands. I wrote a bit of a letter to myfather at the time, which was to this purpose:--
"'HONOURED FATHER,-- Since our last pleasant meeting, at which you threw the stool at my head, missing the pigeon and hitting the crow, I have been dead and buried, but am now quite well, thank God, and want no absolution from Father M'Grath, bad luck to him. And what's more to the point, I have just received a batch of prize-money, the first I have handled since I have served his Majesty, and every farthing of which I now send to you, that you may get back your old cows, and the pig, and all the rest of the articles seized to pay for my fitting out; so never again ask me whether I am not ashamed of myself; more shame to you for abusing a dutiful son like myself, who went to sea at your bidding, and has never had a real good potato down his throat ever since. I'm a true O'Brien, tell my mother, and don't mane to turn Protestant, but uphold the religion of my country; although the devil may take Father M'Grath and his holy water to boot. I sha'n't come and see you, as perhaps you may have another stool ready for my head, and may take better aim next time.
So no more at present from your affectionate son, 'TERENCE O'BRIEN.'"
"About three weeks afterwards I received a letter from my father,telling me that I was a real O'Brien, and that if any one dared hint tothe contrary, he would break every bone in his body; that they hadreceived the money, and thanked me for a real gentleman as I was; that Ishould have the best stool in the house next time I came, not for myhead, but for my tail; that Father M'Grath sent me his blessing, and hadgiven me absolution for all I had done, or should do for the next tenyears to come; that my mother had cried with joy at my dutifulbehaviour; and that all my brothers and sisters (bating Tim, who haddied the day after I left them) wished me good luck, and plenty moreprize-money to send home to them.
"This was all very pleasant; and I had nothing left on my mind but toget another ship; so I went to the port-admiral, and told him how it wasthat I left my last: and he said, 'that being dead and buried was quitesufficient reason for any one leaving his ship, and that he wouldprocure me another, now that I had come to life again.' I was sent onboard of the guard-ship, where I remained about ten days, and then wassent round to join this frigate--and so my story's ended; and there'seight bells striking--so the watch is ended too; jump down, Peter, andcall Robinson, and tell him that I'll trouble him to forget to go tosleep again as he did last time, and leave me here kicking my heels,contrary to the rules and regulations of the service."
Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2 Page 17