Chapter LXV
It never rains but it pours, whether it be good or bad news--I succeedin everything, and to everything, my wife, my title, and estate--And"All's well that ends well."
I shall pass over the scenes which followed, and give my sister'shistory in her own words.
"I wrote to you, my dear Peter, to tell you that I considered it my dutyto pay all my father's debts with your money, and that there were butsixty pounds left when every claim had been satisfied; and I requestedyou to come to me as soon as you could, that I might have your counseland assistance as to my future arrangements."
"I received your letter, Ellen, and was hastening to you, when--but nomatter, I will tell my story afterwards."
"Day after day I waited with anxiety for a letter, and then wrote to theofficers of the ship to know if any accident had occurred. I received ananswer from the surgeon, informing me that you had quitted Portsmouth tojoin me, and had not since been heard of. You may imagine my distress atthis communication, as I did not doubt but that something dreadful hadoccurred, as I knew, too well, that nothing would have detained you fromme at such a time. The new vicar appointed had come down to look overthe house, and to make arrangements for bringing in his family. Thefurniture he had previously agreed to take at a valuation, and the sumhad been appropriated in liquidation of your father's debts. I hadalready been permitted to remain longer than was usual, and had noalternative but to quit, which I did not do until the last moment. Icould not leave my address, for I knew not where I was to go. I took myplace in the coach, and arrived in London. My first object was to securethe means of livelihood, by offering myself as a governess; but I foundgreat difficulties from not being able to procure a good reference, andfrom not having already served in that capacity. At last I was takeninto a family to bring up three little girls; but I soon found out howlittle chance I had of comfort. The lady had objected to me as toogood-looking--for this same reason the gentleman insisted upon my beingengaged.
"Thus was I a source of disunion; the lady treated me with harshness,and the gentleman with too much attention. At last her ill-treatment andhis persecution, were both so intolerable, that I gave notice that Ishould leave my situation."
"I beg pardon, Miss Ellen, but you will oblige me with the name andresidence of that gentleman?" said O'Brien.
"Indeed, Ellen, do no such thing," replied I; "continue your story."
"I could not obtain another situation as governess; for, as I alwaysstated where I had been, and did not choose to give the precise reasonfor quitting, merely stating that I was not comfortable, whenever thelady was called upon for my character, she invariably spoke of me so asto prevent my obtaining a situation. At last I was engaged as teacher toa school. I had better have taken a situation as housemaid. I wasexpected to be everywhere, to do everything; was up at daylight, andnever in bed till past midnight; fared very badly, and was equally illpaid; but still it was honest employment, and I remained there for morethan a year; but, though as economical as possible, my salary would notmaintain me in clothes and washing, which was all I required. There wasa master of elocution, who came every week, and whose wife was theteacher of music. They took a great liking to me, and pointed out howmuch better I should be off if I could succeed on the stage, of whichthey had no doubt. For months I refused, hoping still to have sometidings of you; but at last my drudgery became so insupportable, and mymeans so decreased, that I unwillingly consented. It was then nineteenmonths since I had heard of you, and I mourned you as dead. I had norelations except my uncle, and I was unknown even to him. I quitted thesituation, and took up my abode with the teacher of elocution and hiswife, who treated me with every kindness, and prepared me for my newcareer. Neither at the school, which was three miles from London, nor atmy new residence, which was over Westminster-bridge, did I ever see anewspaper. It was no wonder, therefore, that I did not know of youradvertisements. After three months' preparation I was recommended andintroduced to the manager by my kind friends, and accepted. You know therest."
"Well, Miss Ellen, if any one ever tells you that you were on the stage,at all events you may reply that you wasn't there long."
"I trust not long enough to be recognised," replied she. "I recollecthow often I have expressed my disgust at those who would thus consent toexhibit themselves; but circumstances strangely alter our feelings. Ido, however, trust that I should have been respectable, even as anactress."
"That you would, Miss Ellen," replied O'Brien. "What did I tell you,Peter?"
"You pledged your honour that nothing would induce Ellen to disgrace herfamily, I recollect, O'Brien."
"Thank you, Sir Terence, for your good opinion," replied Ellen.
My sister had been with us about three days, during which I had informedher of all that had taken place, when, one evening, finding myself alonewith her, I candidly stated to her what were O'Brien's feelings towardsher, and pleaded his cause with all the earnestness in my power.
"My dear brother," she replied, "I have always admired Captain O'Brien'scharacter, and always have felt grateful to him for his kindness andattachment to you; but I cannot say that I love him. I have neverthought about him except as one to whom we are both much indebted."
"But do you mean to say that you could not love him?"
"No, I do not; and I will do all I can, Peter--I will try. I never will,if possible, make him unhappy who has been so kind to you."
"Depend upon it, Ellen, that with your knowledge of O'Brien, and withfeelings of gratitude to him, you will soon love him, if once you accepthim as a suitor. May I tell him--"
"You may tell him that he may plead his own cause, my dear brother; and,at all events, I will listen to no other until he has had fair play; butrecollect that at present I only _like_ him--like him _very much, _it istrue; but still I only _like_ him."
I was quite satisfied with my success, and so was O'Brien, when I toldhim. "By the powers, Peter, she's an angel, and I can't expect her tolove an inferior being like myself; but if she'll only like me wellenough to marry me, I'll trust to after-marriage for the rest. Lovecomes with the children, Peter. Well, but you need not say that to her--divil a bit--they shall come upon her like old age, without herperceiving it."
O'Brien having thus obtained permission, certainly lost no time intaking advantage of it. Celeste and I were more fondly attached everyday. The solicitor declared my case so good, that he could raise fiftythousand pounds upon it. In short, all our causes were prosperous, whenan event occurred, the details of which, of course, I did not obtainuntil some time afterwards, but which I shall narrate here.
My uncle was very much alarmed when he discovered that I had beenreleased from Bedlam--still more so, when he had notice given him of asuit, relative to the succession to the title. His emissaries haddiscovered that the wet-nurse had been brought home in O'Brien'sfrigate, and was kept so close that they could not communicate with her.He now felt that all his schemes would prove abortive. His legal adviserwas with him, and they had been walking in the garden, talking over thecontingencies, when they stopped close to the drawing-room windows ofthe mansion at Eagle Park.
"But, sir," observed the lawyer, "if you will not confide in me, Icannot act for your benefit. You still assert that nothing of the kindhas taken place?"
"I do," replied his lordship. "It is a foul invention."
"Then, my lord, may I ask you why you considered it advisable toimprison Mr Simple in Bedlam?"
"Because I hate him," retorted his lordship,--"detest him."
"And for what reason, my lord? his character is unimpeached, and he isyour near relative."
"I tell you, sir, that I hate him--would that he were now lying dead atmy feet!"
Hardly were the words out of my uncle's mouth, when a whizzing was heardfor a second, and then something fell down within a foot of where theystood, with a heavy crash. They started--turned round--the adopted heirlay lifeless at their feet, and their legs were bespattered with hisblood and his brains. Th
e poor boy, seeing his lordship below, hadleaned out of one of the upper windows to call to him, but lost hisbalance, and had fallen head foremost upon the wide stone pavement whichsurrounded the mansion. For a few seconds the lawyer and my uncle lookedupon each other with horror.
"A judgment!--a judgment!" cried the lawyer, looking at his client. Myuncle covered his face with his hands, and fell. Assistance now cameout, but there was more than one to help up. The violence of his emotionhad brought on an apoplectic fit, and my uncle, although he breathed,never spoke again.
It was in consequence of this tragical event, of which we did not knowthe particulars until afterwards, that the next morning my solicitorcalled upon me, and put a letter into my hand, saying, "Allow me tocongratulate your lordship." We were all at breakfast at the time, andthe general, O'Brien, and myself jumped up, all in such astonishment atthis unexpected title being so soon conferred upon me, that we had aheavy bill for damages to pay; and had not Ellen caught the tea-urn, asit was tipping over, there would, in all probability, have been adoctor's bill into the bargain. The letter was eagerly read--it was frommy uncle's legal adviser, who had witnessed the catastrophe, informingme, that all dispute as to the succession was at an end by the tragicalevent that had taken place, and that he had put seals upon everything,awaiting my arrival or instructions. The solicitor, as he presented theletter, said that he would take his leave, and call again in an hour ortwo, when I was more composed. My first movement, when I had read theletter aloud, was to throw my arms round Celeste, and embrace her--andO'Brien, taking the hint, did the same to Ellen, and was excused inconsideration of circumstances; but, as soon as she could disengageherself, her arms were entwined round my neck, while Celeste was hangingon her father's. Having disposed of the ladies, the gentlemen now shookhands, and though we had not all appetites to finish our breakfasts,never was there a happier quintette.
In about an hour my solicitor returned, and congratulated me, andimmediately set about the necessary preparations. I desired him to godown immediately to Eagle Park, attend to the funeral of my uncle, andthe poor little boy who had paid so dearly for his intended advancement,and take charge from my uncle's legal adviser, who remained in thehouse. The "dreadful accident in high life" found its way into thepapers of the day, and before dinner time a pile of visiting cards waspoured in, which covered the table. The next day a letter arrived fromthe First Lord, announcing that he had made out my commission aspost-captain, and trusted that I would allow him the pleasure ofpresenting it himself at his dinner hour, at half-past seven. Very muchobliged to him, the "fool of the family" might have waited a long whilefor it.
While I was reading this letter, the waiter came up to say that a youngwoman below wanted to speak to me. I desired her to be shown up. As soonas she came in, she burst into tears, knelt down, and kissed my hand.
"Sure, it's you--oh! yes--it's you that saved my poor husband when I wasassisting to your ruin. And an't I punished for my wicked doings--an'tmy poor boy dead?"
She said no more, but remained on her knees, sobbing bitterly. Ofcourse, the reader recognises in her the wet-nurse who had exchanged herchild. I raised her up, and desired her to apply to my solicitor to payher expenses, and leave her address.
"But do you forgive me, Mr Simple? It's not that I have forgivenmyself."
"I do forgive you with all my heart, my good woman. You have beenpunished enough."
"I have, indeed," replied she, sobbing; "but don't I deserve it all, andmore too? God's blessing, and all the saints' too, upon your head, foryour kind forgiveness, anyhow. My heart is lighter." And she quitted theroom.
She had scarcely quitted the hotel, when the waiter came up again."Another lady, my lord, wishes to speak with you, but she won't give hername."
"Really, my lord, you seem to have an extensive female acquaintance,"said the general.
"At all events, I am not aware of any that I need be ashamed of. Showthe lady up, waiter."
In a moment entered a fat, unwieldly little mortal, very warm fromwalking; she sat down in a chair, threw back her tippet, and thenexclaimed, "Lord bless you, how you have grown! Gemini, if I can hardlybelieve my eyes; and I declare he don't know me."
"I really cannot exactly recollect where I had the pleasure of seeingyou before, madam."
"Well, that's what I said to Jemima, when I went down in the kitchen.'Jemima,' says I, 'I wonder if little Peter Simple will know me.' AndJemima says, 'I think he would the parrot, marm.'"
"Mrs Handycock, I believe," said I, recollecting Jemima and the parrot,although, from a little thin woman, she had grown so fat as not to berecognisable.
"Oh! so you've found me out, Mr Simple--my lord, I ought to say. Well, Ineed not ask after your grandfather now, for I know he's dead; but as Iwas coming this way for orders, I thought I would just step in and seehow you looked."
"I trust Mr Handycock is well, ma'am. Pray is he a bull or a bear?"
"Lord bless you, Mr Simple, my lord, I should say, he's been neitherbull nor bear for this three years. He was obliged to _waddle_. If Ididn't know much about bulls and bears, I know very well what a _lameduck_ is, to my cost. We're off the Stock Exchange, and Mr Handycock isset up as a coal merchant."
"Indeed!"
"Yes; that is, we have no coals, but we take orders, and havehalf-a-crown a chaldron for our trouble. As Mr Handycock says, it's avery good business, if you only had enough of it. Perhaps your lordshipmay be able to give us an order. It's nothing out of your pocket, andsomething into ours."
"I shall be very happy, when I return again to town, Mrs Handycock. Ihope the parrot is quite well."
"Oh! my lord, that's a sore subject; only think of Mr Handycock, when weretired from the 'Change, taking my parrot one day and selling it forfive guineas, saying, five guineas were better than a nasty squallingbird. To be sure, there was nothing for dinner that day; but, as Jemimaagreed with me, we'd rather have gone without a dinner for a month, thanhave parted with Poll. Since we've looked up a little in the world, Isaved up five guineas, by hook or by crook, and tried to get Poll backagain, but the lady said she wouldn't take fifty guineas for him."
Mrs Handycock then jumped from her chair, saying, "Good morning, mylord; I'll leave one of Mr Handycock's cards. Jemima would be so glad tosee you."
As she left the room, Celeste laughingly asked me whether I had any moresuch acquaintances. I replied, that I believed not; but I mustacknowledge that Mrs Trotter was brought to my recollection, and I wasunder some alarm, lest she should also come and pay me her respects.
The next day I had another unexpected visit. We had just sat down todinner, when we heard a disturbance below; and, shortly after, thegeneral's French servant came up in great haste, saying that there was aforeigner below, who wished to see me: and that he had been caning oneof the waiters of the hotel, for not paying him proper respect.
"Who can that be?" thought I: and I went out of the door, and lookedover the banisters, as the noise continued.
"You must not come here to beat Englishmen, I can tell you," roared oneof the waiters. "What do we care for your foreign counts?"
"Sacre, canaille?" cried the other party, in a contemptuous voice, whichI well knew.
"Ay, canal!--we'll duck you in the canal, if you don't mind."
"You will!" said the stranger, who had hitherto spoken French. "Allow meto observe--in the most delicate manner in the world--just to hint, thatyou are a d----d trencher-scraping, napkin-carrying, shilling-seeking,up-and-down-stairs son of a bitch--and take this for your impudence!"
The noise of the cane was again heard; and I hastened downstairs, whereI found Count Shucksen thrashing two or three of the waiters withoutmercy. At my appearance, the waiters, who were showing fight, retreatedto a short distance, out of reach of the cane.
"My dear count," exclaimed I, "is it you?"
"My dear Lord Privilege, will you excuse me? but these fellows aresaucy."
"Then I'll have them discharged," replied I. "If a friend
of mine, andan officer of your rank and distinction, cannot come to see me withoutinsult, I will seek another hotel."
This threat of mine, and the reception I gave the count, put all torights. The waiters sneaked off, and the master of the hotel apologised.It appeared that they had desired him to wait in the coffee-room untilthey could announce him, which had hurt the count's dignity.
"We are just sitting down to dinner, count; will you join us?"
"As soon as I have improved my toilet, my dear lord," replied he; "youmust perceive that I am off a journey."
The master of the hotel bowed, and proceeded to show the count to adressing-room. When I returned upstairs--"What was the matter?"inquired O'Brien.
"Oh, nothing!--a little disturbance in consequence of a foreigner notunderstanding English."
In about five minutes the waiter opened the door, and announced CountShucksen.
"Now, O'Brien, you'll be puzzled," said I; and in came the count.
"My dear Lord Privilege," said he, coming up and taking me by the hand,"let me not be the last to congratulate you upon your accession. I wasrunning up the channel in my frigate when a pilot-boat gave me anewspaper, in which I saw your unexpected change of circumstances. Imade an excuse for dropping my anchor at Spithead this morning, and Ihave come up post, to express how sincerely I participate in your goodfortune." Count Shucksen then politely saluted the ladies and thegeneral, and turned round to O'Brien, who had been staring at him withastonishment. "Count Shucksen, allow me to introduce Sir TerenceO'Brien."
"By the piper that played before Moses, but it's a puzzle," saidO'Brien. "Blood and thunder! if it a'n't Chucks!--my dear fellow, whendid you rise from your grave?"
"Fortunately," replied the count, as they shook each other's hands forsome time, "I never went into it, Sir Terence. But now, with yourpermission, my lord, I'll take some food, as I really am not a littlehungry. After dinner, Captain O'Brien, you shall hear my history."
His secret was confided to the whole party, upon my pledging myself fortheir keeping it locked up in their own breasts, which was a bold thingon my part, considering that two of them were ladies. The count stayedwith us for some time, and was introduced everywhere. It was impossibleto discover that he had not been bred up in a court, his manners were sogood. He was a great favourite with the ladies; and his moustachios, badFrench, and waltzing--an accomplishment he had picked up in Sweden--werequite the vogue. All the ladies were sorry when the Swedish countannounced his departure by a P.P.C.
Before I left town I called upon the First Lord of the Admiralty, andprocured for Swinburne a first-rate building--that is to say, ordered tobe built. This he had often said he wished, as he was tired of the sea,after a service of forty-five years. Subsequently I obtained leave ofabsence for him every year, and he used to make himself very happy atEagle Park. Most of his time was, however, passed on the lake, eitherfishing or rowing about; telling long stories to all who would join himin his water excursions.
A fortnight after my assuming my title, we set off for Eagle Park, andCeleste consented to my entreaties that the wedding should take placethat day month. Upon this hint O'Brien spake; and, to oblige _me_, Ellenconsented that we should be united on the same day.
O'Brien wrote to Father M'Grath; but the letter was returned by post,with "_dead_" marked upon the outside. O'Brien then wrote to one of hissisters, who informed him that Father M'Grath would cross the bog oneevening when he had taken a very large proportion of whisky; and that hewas seen out of the right path, and had never been heard of afterwards.
On the day appointed we were all united, and both unions have beenattended with as much happiness as this world can afford. Both O'Brienand I are blessed with children, which, as O'Brien observed, have comeupon us like old age, until we now can muster a large Christmas party inthe two families. The general's head is white, and he sits and smiles,happy in his daughter's happiness, and in the gambols of hisgrandchildren.
Such, reader, is the history of Peter Simple, Viscount Privilege, nolonger the fool, but the head of the family, who now bids you farewell.
THE END.
The Three Cutters
Peter Simple; and, The Three Cutters, Vol. 1-2 Page 71