by JA Lafrance
“Yeah, yeah. I’m getting in, I was thinking of something else thank you very much,” I mutter as I climb on up. As I sit down, I tell him I’m sorry I ruined his night, but had no one else I could call. He nods his head and says I didn’t ruin anything. His night was over before it started, and he was glad to escape the mistake he was about to make.
It’s a short, quiet drive to my house. The only sound is the muffled radio playing on my favorite country station. As we pull onto my road, I notice Chris tenses up, his knuckles white on the wheel. Keeping my mouth shut, I turn and look out the window and see we are pulling in my driveway.
“Thanks Christopher, I really appreciate it. You didn’t have to do this.” Reaching for the handle, I start to open the door when his hand stops me.
“I shouldn’t be doing this,” he says as he leans in.
What the hell is happening? He looks like he wants to kill me or eat me up, I can’t decide.
“Chris…” That’s as far as I get before his lips crash on mine, making me forget everything and even forget where I am and what I am doing. All I know, is that the first kiss, that first kiss was nothing compared to this. This is earth shattering amazing. He takes his time, nudging against my lips, passion and lust aimed to get me going. I lock my hands around his neck and pull him closer, taking all of this in. In case this doesn’t happen again, I plan on making a lasting impression.
I feel him sigh and our kiss is done. Dreading what comes next, I open my eyes to look at him. What he says next, shatters my heart. “McKenna, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
I look at him, willing my tears not to fall. “You’re right Christopher, this was a mistake, one that has happened two too many times.
I open the door and don’t let him pull me back in. I run into my house, careful not to slam the door and wake my dad. I get to my room and jump in the shower, ready to wash the events of the night off and to let my tears fall freely while the water is washing them away.
Crawling into bed, finally, I let myself think of the ways I would get over Christopher Graves once and for all.
Chris
Fuck, I am an idiot. What the hell was I thinking? Kissing McKenna like that. I mean, yeah it was hot, and I got hard the instant my lips touched hers, but she is forbidden. But by the sounds she’s making and the way she’s leaning into my kiss, I can tell she’s feeling it too. Then when I pulled away, to see that hurt look on her face. It nearly tore me in two. I had to make her see it was a mistake. Hopefully pulling away and acting like a jerk again will make her see it’s a mistake for this to happen. Even if we both want it, Andrew would never forgive me. I hope she doesn’t tell him. Knowing Kenny, she will keep it to herself, pissed off that she let it get that far. God, the things I wanted to do to her.
I pull out of her driveway and go to my spot in the woods. No one comes here. It’s where I go to be alone with my thoughts. And right now, I need to figure out what to do. I send a quick text off to Curtis, asking him to grab the tow truck and grab Kenny’s car from the store and to take it to the shop so I can fix it in the morning. Once I get it fixed, I think I’m going to take off for a bit, clear my head and try to get Kenny out of my head. I hate being a jerk to her, but I had to make a choice. I couldn’t give in to how I was feeling.
Curt sends me a message back, letting me know he went to get her car tonight instead of in the morning because he was already out on another call, and that it’s at the shop. The keys to the shop are in my pocket. I head over and start tearing it apart. I have parts on hand, so I am able to fix it easily. I don’t know if Kenny works tomorrow, but I’ll send her a text to tell her that her car will be ready for her in the morning and I’ll put her keys in the spot at the shop. She knows what I am talking about and this way, I won’t ever have to be near her again.
For a few seconds though, I sit in her car and smell her everywhere. Deciding I can’t not tell her anymore, I decide to grab a pen and paper and write. I’ll put it in her glove box. If she ever reads it, then maybe she will know why I pushed her away. Maybe she will never read it, but in the end, it has to be done before I leave. I won’t be gone forever, but hopefully long enough to get McKenna Taylor out of my head and my heart.
I replaced her alternator, I place the letter in the glovebox, and I write a letter to the guys, letting them know I’m taking off for a bit to get my head on right. Placing a small kiss on her keychain that says her name, I place it in the spot I told her it would be, climb in my truck and head home to pack up before heading to the cottage.
McKenna
Why the hell is he messaging me at 4 in the morning for? I vowed just last night that I would rid him from my memory, that nothing had ever happened, and I would move on. Mind you, I am up at 5 getting ready for Dad to take me to get my car before he goes to work. I don’t work until this afternoon so I will take the morning to clean out my car, as I do every day off Which lately, hasn’t been many. Which is why it needs to be done this morning.
Dad shouts up, “Honey, it’s time to go.”
I bring myself up off my bed and head downstairs. “Thanks Dad, I appreciate the drive over to get the beast. I just wish I could pay them for the work.”
Dad knows Chris won’t take my money. Hell, he never takes money from Dad either. Says because my Dad put up with Andrew through his teen years, that was payment enough.
We pull into the shop while I’m still trying to figure out his message. He said he’d be gone for a while and to take care of Andrew for him. Was he planning this all along? Was he leaving and that’s why he kissed me? So many unanswered questions. SO MANY. But enough about that.
I thank Dad again and hop out of the truck and go get my keys from the spot Chris said they would be. I hop in the car and head home and go back to bed for a couple hours because 5 am is not my friend. Especially on a day when I don’t have to be to work till 3pm.
I wake back up at 8:30. Grabbing a quick shower, I throw on some old clothes and head out to clean the beast. My poor car looks like a dumpster at the moment. I start cleaning the trunk out first and get going to the back seat. Suddenly there’s a knock on the roof of the car, causing me to scream loudly. Smirking beside me is Andrew.
“You fucker. You scared me half to death,” I holler at him as I get out of my car and punch him in the arm. “When did you get back anyways? Weren’t you off chasing a girl?”
“Well Mom called. Chris left. So, she wanted me to come home,” Andrew tells me, and I look at him really funny and try to understand what he’s telling me.
“He left? Just left? He fixed my damn car last night for me. How the hell could he just leave?” Frustrated because maybe it’s my fault he left. How do I look Andrew in the eye, knowing I could be the reason his brother left? What did I do?!
Chris
I did it. I left. I hid at the garage this morning so Kenny wouldn’t see me. I could see her though. It took everything in me to not go out there and grab her and kiss her senseless and make her mine. But that is something she can never be.
I went home, grabbed my bag and my guitar and I left Mom a note, telling her I’d be back after I cleared my head. Not to look for me but I’d stay in touch.
Kenny fills my mind and I need to forget her. She is Andrew’s best friend; I have to keep reminding myself. Because it feels like she could be my forever. If she is as into me as I am her, I want her to be my forever, but can I risk it? If anything were to happen, and it ruined their friendship, I couldn’t do that to him. Or her.
Since high school, I’ve kept my distance while making sure no one else in town got close enough to her. I told myself it was to protect her, but really it was to protect me. I couldn’t hurt either of them. I’ve been looking after Andy and Kenny since they were kids. Andrew especially. Our dad died when he was little. I was the closest thing to a man in his life other then Kenny’s dad and our baseball coaches over the years. He needed me and I needed him. I couldn’t let my feelings for Ke
nny get in the way of that, could I? God, before this makes me change my mind, I have to crank some music and get my supplies and head off to the cottage that’s been calling my name. 1.5 hours til I hit Pugwash. “Save a Horse” is playing loud and I’m on my way. The only thing on my mind is the one thing I’m running from.
Pulling in at the cottage isn’t as relieving as I had hoped. The whole fucking drive I thought of her. Almost turned around twice. Thing is, I may be 30, but when it comes to Kenny, I’m still a teenage boy. Looks as though this 24 isn’t going to last as long as I had hoped it would. I walk into the cottage and remember my grandparents; all the times we came here as kids. This place was my home in the summer. Grandad and I used to collect sea glass on the beach. I watched my favorite uncle fall in the ocean trying to avoid a jellyfish! So many things and the sad thing is, Kenny was here for a lot of it. She and her Dad would bring their camper up with us and stay for 2 weeks in the summer. The year she turned 16, I was 18 then, was when I started to really notice her. That was the last year they came with us. Well, really the last time all of us came together. Gramps died a couple years before that, and it didn’t feel the same.
I come up once a year, usually fishing season and spend a week here. I round up some food, text the guys that I’ll be back soon. I know the garage is in good hands with Curt. He’s my right-hand man. This place is my home away from home. My safe haven if you will. A place where I come to be alone with my thoughts.
I get a text message and I click it open. It’s Andy.
“Where the fuck are you, Mom is freaking out.”
They know I’m gone, (didn’t he tell them he was leaving??) but I didn’t tell them where I was going because I didn’t want it to get to McKenna. If she even thought for one second, I was leaving because of her, she would come find me and get me to come home. That’s just who she is.
I text Andy and tell him I’m fine and still able to be in touch, I just needed some space to clear my head. I don’t tell him I put the note in the car, and I don’t tell him I am in love with his best friend, which is why I am here.
Putting the phone down, I throw a pizza in the oven and jump in to have a quick shower. When I get out, the pizza is ready and there’s another message on my phone, one I don’t want to read, but know I have to, she knows I’m gone. She’s pissed but she’s also telling me she will stay far away if I come back.
Sorry Kenny, I’m staying away right now to stay away from you. If I was there, after what happened, you wouldn’t be staying away, you’d be moving in with me, and you would finally know you are mine. This is what I want to send to her, but I don’t. To save face, I reply with a K and a smile face. And then, I turn off my phone.
McKenna
What kind of reply is that? K with a damn smiley face?! If he was here, I’d rip his head off. Instead, I have to go to work.
I love working my job. I might be a cashier at a superstore but here I am, helping people buy the food they need to look after their families. My favorite part is when the kids are with them. I’m well known for grabbing the baby out of the struggling moms’ arms, with permission of course. I entertain while mama pays and has herself a mini break. I also grab those toddlers and bring them to my side of the cash to help ring things in. They love it, the parents love it and I love it so much.
Today it’s raining. And in the small town of Elmsdale, the only thing to do in the rain is go grocery shopping. Not even kidding. The happy news is it’s a Wednesday night, and I am here til close. Sometimes, on Wednesday nights, Sidney Crosby shops at our store. For some reason, I’ve never been there when he has been, but I have seen the pictures and autographs my coworkers have. Myself, I’ve met Rickey and Julian from The Trailer Park Boys, even have their autographs and I’ve also managed to get an autograph from Enfield’s own rapper, Classified. So, when I say I love my job, I really, really love my job.
Halfway through my shift, Ella comes over and tells me I can take a smoke break. Thank god. That’s the hard part. I need a smoke so bad standing there. My break was supposed to be over an hour ago, but we got swamped. I thank her and head on out.
The rain is easing off, and a few stars can be seen in the sky. The only problem is now I have a few minutes to myself, and I think about him. Christ, why does it have to be him? I’ll never know why. It’s been him since I was 12 years old, and I’m now 28.
I call Andy to check in and say hi. He knows how I feel about his brother, having overheard a conversation years ago with a girlfriend from school and has never said a word to me about it. I know he thinks I can do better, hell I have been with other guys, but none of them compare.
Andy doesn’t answer so I leave him a weird voicemail and head back inside to finish my shift. Thoughts of Chris and our kiss fade as I put myself in worker mode and go back to my register. I have two days off after this and I need them. I need to go to the water and clear my head. Maybe Andy will want to head to the cottage this weekend. I shoot of a quick text when I take a bathroom break, and then I finish my shift.
I get out to the beast around 10:30 ready to head home. Andy messaged and said he couldn’t go up but that he would give me the key and I could go. Thanking him, I head home, have a shower and pack a small bag for the weekend. This should help me get over what happened with Chris. The water always soothes me in a way I will never understand but always treasure.
Chris
I wake up extra early, get myself ready and head out for a jog on the beach. The weather is amazing, the water is soul reviving and I am ready to think about what I am going to do.
Kenny has been a very important person in my family for a long time. I shouldn’t have these feelings for her. Still. I’ve been with other women. In real relationships too. Thought I had found the one, until she found another one. While we were still together. Yup. And even in the back of my mind, it was always supposed to be McKenna. Why I keep feeling this, I don’t really know, and it scares me.
My song changes on my player, and it’s Hootie and the Blowfish, “Let Her Cry.” It’s sobering. I know I love the girl and have since we were young. I also know, if it weren’t for Andrew, it would have happened already. McKenna Taylor is it for me. My feelings are never going to change, as much as I will them to. This girl has gotten to me and I can only hope, I have gotten to her the same way. I need to talk to Andrew and see how angry he would be. This time away, I wasn’t supposed to get her off my mind or out of my heart, it was for me to realize she is it for me. I see her everywhere, I want her with me, by my side and cheering in my corner.
Now to make it happen.
As I round the corner to the road that the cottage is on, I see a familiar car pulling onto the road. I can’t believe my eyes. It can’t be Kenny. How did she find me? I didn’t reply to her messages. I didn’t tell anyone where I was or would be. I should have known they would think to look for me here though, it is my spot. But why is Kenny here, and is Andy with her? Is she alone?
Shaking off the feeling that Kenny is here, I head back to the cottage, a bit behind the car. Slowly it pulls in the driveway. The driver doesn’t get out. Maybe it is because she sees my truck, she won’t get out.
I run at top speed and get there and pull open her door. I might have sweat dripping all down my face, not from the run, but because I am nervous that she is here, but she will never know that. That’s something that I will keep to myself.
“Why are you here Kenny?” I ask a little more annoyed then I intended, but I want to keep her on her toes until I figure out what to do.
McKenna
He’s fucking here?! Why? I was coming here to clear my head and move on past him. Why is he here?
I think about turning around and leaving. He isn’t to my car yet. Is he sleeping? Is he fishing? Since he hasn’t come out, I can only hope he hasn’t heard my car pull in. I only know he’s here because I’m parked behind his truck. And when I make the decision to just leave, he grabs my door and opens it, asking why I am here.<
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“Better question, Christopher, is why are you here? You said you were leaving.” I anticipated he was going much farther than the cottage.
He smiles and says this is his cottage and his home away from home, so this is where he comes when he has to get away. But he still wants to know why I am here. Which he asks me again. Well, to get over you, asshole, but it’s not like I can tell him that.
“Andrew was supposed to come on a weekend trip with me, but because you left, he’s home, and he told me to come myself.” Not telling him that I was here to get him out of my head, or so that I could forget that mind-blowing kiss we had a couple nights ago. My heart flutters when I realize he’s getting closer to me. “Sorry Chris, I’ll turn around and leave right now. I know you left because I kissed you. Again.” I grab my door back and go to close it when his hand grabs it to stop it from shutting.
“You. Are. Not. Leaving,” he manages to mutter at me.
“Umm, yes I am. You said it yourself, big mistake and all. Bye Chris.”
I try to shut my car door one more time and again he grabs my door. “Why do you keep doing that, just let me leave, Christopher.” I might sound a little whiney, but I have to leave before I do something stupid like tell him I love him and that our kiss wasn’t a mistake.
“Our kiss wasn’t a mistake Kenny, and Ill be damned if I let you think for one minute you kissed me. I kissed you Kenny. Me! I kissed you and God help me, I think I’m about to do it again.”
Unsure how to process this, Chris reaches in my car, undoes my seatbelt and pulls me out of the car and into the cottage at a quick pace. Once we reach the door, he looks at me and says, “Tell me you don’t want this, Kenny. If you tell me that I’ll stop right now, and you can leave. But you have to tell me.”