by E. F. Benson
These reflections were the outcome of an intimate knowledge of Dodo in the mind of a man who was in the habit of being honest with himself and the object of his love, a quality rare enough whether the lover is rejected or accepted.
He had had time to think over the matter quietly to himself. He knew, and had known for many weeks, that Dodo was out of his reach, and he sat down and thought about the inaccessible fruit, not with the keen feelings of one who still hoped to get it, but with a resignation which recognised that the fruit was desirable, but that it must be regarded from a purely speculative point of view.
And to do him justice, though he was very sorry for himself, he was much more sorry for Chesterford. Chesterford was his cousin, they had been brought up together at Eton and Oxford, and he knew him with that intimacy which is the result of years alone.
Chesterford’s old friends had all a great respect and liking for him. As Dodo had said, “He was an honest man if you like.” Slight acquaintances called him slow and rather stupid, which was true on purely intellectual grounds. He was very loyal, and very much devoted to what he considered his duty, which consisted in being an excellent landlord and J.P. of his county, in voting steadily for the Conservative party in the House of Lords, in giving largely and anonymously to good objects, in going to Church on Sunday morning, where he sang hymns with fervour, and read lessons with respect, in managing a hunt in a liberal and satisfactory manner, and in avoiding any introspection or speculation about problems of life and being. He walked through the world with an upright gait, without turning his eyes or his steps to the right hand or the left, without ever concerning himself with what was not his business, but directing all his undoubtedly sterling qualities to that. He had a perfect genius for doing his duty. Nobody had ever called him shallow or foolish, but nobody on the other hand had ever, called him either deep or clever. He had probably only made one real mistake in his life, and that was when he asked Dodo to marry him; and we have seen that Jack, who knew Dodo well, and whose opinion might be considered to be based on good grounds, thought that Dodo had committed her first grand error in accepting him. The worst of the business certainly was that he was in love with Dodo. If he had been a different sort of man, if he had proposed to Dodo with the same idea that Dodo had, when she accepted him, if he had wanted a brilliant and fascinating woman to walk through life with, who could not fail to be popular, end who would do the duties of a mistress of a great house in a regal fashion, he could not have chosen better. But what he wanted in a wife was someone to love. He loved Dodo, and apparently it had not entered his calculations that she, in accepting him, might be doing it from a different standpoint from his own in proposing to her. Dodo had smiled on him with the air of a benignant goddess who marries a mortal, when he offered her his hand and heart, and he had taken that smile as a fulfilment of his own thought. Decidedly Jack might have justification for feeling apprehensive.
Jack’s only hope lay in that vein which did exist in Dodo, and which she had manifested in that outburst of tears the night before. He put it down to her dramatic instincts to a large extent, but he knew there was something besides, for Dodo did not care to play to an empty house, and the presence of her future husband alone constituted anything but a satisfactory audience. Jack had always had a considerable belief in Dodo: her attractiveness and cleverness were, of course, beyond dispute, and required proof no more than the fact that the sun rose in the morning; but he believed in something deeper than this, which prompted such actions as these. He felt that there was some emotion that she experienced at that moment, of which her tears were the legitimate outcome, and, as he thought of this, there occurred to him the remark that Dodo had made that morning, when she expressed her regret at never having felt the sort of love that she knew Chesterford felt for her.
Mrs. Vane was perhaps perfectly happy that night. Was not her daughter engaged to a marquis and a millionaire? Was not her house going to be filled with the brightest and best of our land? She had often felt rather resentful against Dodo, who alternately liked and despised people whom Mrs. Vane would have given her right hand to be in a position to like, and both hands to be in a position to despise. Dodo was excellent friends with “London,” only “London” did not come and seek her at her own house, but preferred asking her to theirs. Consequently, on Mrs. Vane and Maud devolved the comparatively menial duty of leaving their cards and those of Dodo, and attending her in the capacity of the necessary adjunct. They would be asked to the same houses as Dodo, but that was all; when they got there they had the privilege of seeing Dodo performing her brilliant evolutions, but somehow none of Dodo’s glory got reflected on to them. To be the mirror of Dodo was one of Mrs. Vane’s most cherished ideas, and she did not recollect that there are many substances whose nature forbids their acting as such to the most brilliant of illuminations. Mr. Vane was kept still more in the background. It was generally supposed that he was looking after his affairs in the country, whilst the rest of the family were amusing themselves in London. It was well known that he was the proprietor of a flourishing iron foundry somewhere in Lancashire, and apparently the iron needed special care during the months of May, June and July. In any case he was a shadow in the background, rather than a skeleton at the banquet, whom it was not necessary to ignore, because he never appeared in a position in which he could be ignored. Mrs. Vane had two principal objects in life, the first of which was to live up to Dodo, and the second to obtain, in course of time, a suitable brilliant son-in-law. The latter of these objects had been practically obtained by Dodo herself, and the first of them was in a measure realised by the large and brilliant company who assembled in her rooms that night.
Mrs. Vane was a large, high-coloured woman of about middle age, whose dress seemed to indicate that she would rather not, but that, of course, may only have been the fault of the dressmaker. She had an effusive manner, which sometimes made her guests wonder what they could have done to have made her so particularly glad to see them. She constantly lamented Mr. Vane’s absence from London, and remarked, with a brilliant smile, that she felt quite deserted. Mrs. Vane’s smile always suggested a reformed vampire, who had permanently renounced her bloodthirsty habits, but had not quite got out of the way of gloating on what would have been her victims in the unregenerate days. It is only fair to say that this impression was due to the immensity of her smile, which could hardly be honestly accounted for by this uncharitable world. She was busily employed in receiving her guests when Jack came, and was, perhaps, more stupendously cordial than ever.
“So kind of you to come,” she was just saying to a previous arrival when Jack came in. “I know Dodo was dying to see you and be congratulated. Darling,” she said, turning to Maud, “run and tell Dodo that Lord Burwell has arrived. So good of you to come. And how do you do, dear Mr. Broxton? Of course Dodo has told you of our happiness. Thanks, yes — we are all charmed with her engagement. And the Marquis is your cousin, is he not? How nice! May I tell Maud she may call you Cousin Jack? Such pleasure to have you. Dodo is simply expiring to see you. Did she see you this morning? Really! she never told me of it, and my sweet child usually tells me everything.”
Dodo was playing the amiable white elephant to some purpose. She was standing under a large chandelier in the centre of the room, with Chesterford beside her, receiving congratulations with the utmost grace, and talking nonsense at the highest possible speed. Jack thought to himself that he had never seen anyone so thoroughly charming and brilliant, and almost wondered whether he had not been doing her an injustice all day. He saw it was impossible to get near her for the present, so he wandered off among other groups, exchanging greetings and salutations. He had made the circuit of the room, and was standing about near the door, feeling a little lonely, when Dodo came quickly towards him. She was looking rather white and impatient.
“Come away out of this, Jack,” she said; “this is horrible. We’ve done our duty, and now I want to talk. I’ve been smiling and grinning t
ill my cheeks are nearly cracked, and everyone says exactly the same thing. Come to my room — come.” She turned round, beckoning to him, and found herself face to face with Chesterford. “Dear old boy,” she said to him, “I’m not going to bore you any more to-night. I shall bore you enough after we are married. Jack and I are going away to talk, and he’s going to tell me to be a good girl, and do as his cousin bids me. Good-night; come again to-morrow morning.”
“I came here on purpose to congratulate you,” said Jack, grasping Chesterford’s hand, “and I wish you all joy and prosperity.”
“Come, Jack,” said Dodo. “Oh, by the way, Chesterford, ask Jack to be your best man. You couldn’t have a better, and you haven’t got any brother, you know.”
“I was just going to,” said Chesterford. “Jack, you will be, won’t you? You must.”
“Of course I will,” said Jack. “All the same we’re all awfully jealous of you, you know, for carrying Dodo off.”
“So you ought to be,” said he, enthusiastically. “Why, I’m almost jealous of myself. But now go and talk to Dodo, if she wants you.”
The sight of Chesterford with Dodo made Jack groan in spirit. He had accepted Dodo’s rejection of him as quite final, and he never intended to open that closed book again. But this was too horrible. He felt a genuine impulse of pure compassion for Chesterford, and an irritated disgust for Dodo. Dodo was an admirable comrade, and, for some, he thought, an admirable wife. But the idea of her in comradeship with Chesterford was too absurd, and if she could never be his comrade, by what perversity of fate was it that she was going to become his wife? Jack’s serenity was quite gone, and he wondered what had become of it. All he was conscious of was a chafing refusal to acquiesce just yet, and the anticipation of a somewhat intimate talk with Dodo. He felt half inclined to run away from the house, and not see her again, and as he followed her up to her room, he began to think that his wisdom had followed his serenity. After all, if he asked her again about her resolution to marry Chesterford, what was he doing but continuing the conversation they had in the Park that morning, in which Dodo herself had taken the initiative. “These things are on the knees of the gods,” thought Jack to himself piously, as the door of Dodo’s room closed behind him. Dodo threw herself down in a low arm-chair with an air of weariness.
“Go on talking to me, Jack,” she said. “Interest me, soothe me, make me angry if you like. Chesterford’s very nice. Don’t you like him immensely? I do.”
Jack fidgeted, lit a match and blew it out again. Really it was not his fault that the conversation was going to be on this subject. He again laid the responsibility on the knees of the gods. Then he said, —
“Dodo, is this irrevocable? Are you determined to marry this man? I swear I don’t ask you for any selfish reasons, but only because I am sincerely anxious for your happiness and his. It is a confounded liberty I am taking, but I sha’n’t apologise for it. I know that it isn’t any business of mine, but I risk your displeasure.”
Dodo was looking at him steadily. Her breath came rather quickly, and the look of weariness had left her face.
“Jack,” she said, “don’t say this sort of thing to me again. You are quite right, it is a confounded liberty, as you say. I shall do as I please in this matter. Ah, Jack, don’t be angry with me,” she went on as he shrugged his shoulders, and half turned away. “I know you are sincere, but I must do it. I want to be safe. I want to be married. Chesterford is very safe. Jack, old boy, don’t make me quarrel with you. You are the best friend I have, but I’m sure you’re wrong about this.”
She rose and stood by him, and laid one hand on his as it lay on the mantelpiece. He did not answer her. He was disappointed and baffled. Then she turned away from him, and suddenly threw up her arms.
“Oh, my God,” she said, “I don’t know what to do. It isn’t my fault that I am made like this. I want to know what love is, but I can’t — I can’t. You say I shall make him unhappy, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t believe I shall. Jack, why did you come here suggesting these horrible things?”
There was a great anger in her voice, and she stood trembling before him.
Just then the door opened, and a middle-aged lady walked in. She did not seem at all surprised. Nobody who had known Dodo long was often surprised.
She walked up to Dodo and kissed her.
“I came late,” she said, “and your mother said you were in your room, so I came up to congratulate you with all my heart.”
“Thank you very much,” said Dodo, returning the kiss. “Jack, do you know Mrs. Vivian? — Mr. Broxton.”
Mrs. Vivian bowed, and Jack bowed, and then nobody seemed quite to know what to say next. Mrs. Vivian recovered herself first.
“I wish you would show me the necklace Lord Chesterford has given you,” she said to Dodo. “Mrs. Vane said the diamonds were magnificent.”
“Certainly, I will fetch it,” said Dodo, with unusual docility. “Don’t go away, Jack.”
Dodo left the room, and Mrs. Vivian turned to Jack.
“My dear young man,” she said, “I am old enough to be your mother, and you mustn’t mind what I am going to say. This sort of thing won’t do at all. I know who you are perfectly well, and I warn you that you are playing with fire. You were at liberty to do so before Dodo was engaged, and I daresay you have burned your fingers already. Several young men have — but now it won’t do. Besides that, it isn’t fair on either Chesterford or Dodo herself.”
Jack wanted to think “what an impertinent old woman,” but there was something in her manner that forbade it.
“I believe you are right,” he said simply; “but it wasn’t wholly my fault.”
Then he felt angry with himself for having shifted any of the blame on to Dodo.
“Honi soit,” said the other ambiguously. “I don’t mean that — Ah, here is Dodo.”
The diamonds were duly shown and admired, and the three went downstairs again.
Mrs. Vivian took her leave shortly. She was very gracious to Jack, and as they parted she said, —
“Come and see me at any time; I should like to talk to you. Here is my address.”
Jack sought Mrs. Vane to inquire who Mrs. Vivian was. Mrs. Vane was even more effusive than usual.
“Oh, she is quite one of our leading people,” she said.— “She has not been in London, or, in fact, in England for two years. She was unhappily married. Her husband was a scamp, and after his death she suddenly left London, and has only just returned. She is quite an extraordinary woman — everyone used to rave about her. She never gave herself airs, but somehow she was more looked up to than anyone else. Quite royal in fact. I feel immensely honoured by her presence here. I hardly dared to ask her — so fascinating, and so clever.”
Dodo came up to Jack before he left.
“Jack,” she said, “I was angry with you, and I am sorry. Don’t bear me malice. If Mrs. Vivian had not come in, I should have said something abominable. I am afraid of her. I don’t quite know why. She always seems to be taking stock of one, and noticing how very small one is. Don’t forget to-morrow. We’re all going on a water-party at Richmond. Mind you come.”
“I think I had better not,” said Jack bluntly.