by E. F. Benson
These floating impressions, the untranslatable instincts of early childhood, began to thicken, when Archie was getting on for six years old, into thoughts capable of being solidified into language. He could not have solidified them himself, but if any one capable of presenting them to him in actual words had asked him, “Is it this you mean?” he would have assented. And his solidified thoughts would have taken the following mould:
There was something odd about females, and it was a mystery into which he did not at all want to enquire. They wore skirts, which perhaps concealed some abnormality, which would be fearful to contemplate. They had soft faces and soft bodies; when his mother took him on her knee — she already said that he was getting too big a boy to sit on her knee, which to Archie sounded very grand and delightful — she was soft to his shoulder, and her cheek was soft to his. But when he sat on his father’s knee he felt a hard, firm substance behind him, and the contrast was similar to the contrast between his mother’s soft cushions and his father’s leather-clad chairs. And his father had a hard, bristly cheek on which to receive Archie’s good-night kiss. Judged by the standards of pleasure and luxury, it was not nearly as nice as his mother’s, but it gave him, however great need there was for caution, a sense of identity with himself. He was of that species… And this conception of abnormality in women was strongly confirmed when, one morning, he went as usual to his mother’s bedroom to see her before she went down to breakfast. She had been late in getting up that day, and, not finding her in her bedroom, Archie’s attention had been arrested by hearing sounds from her bathroom next door, and very naturally had turned the handle in order to enter. But a voice from inside had said:
“Is that you, darling? Wait just a minute.”
“But I want to come in now,” said Archie. “I’m coming in.”
“Archie, I shall be very angry if you come in before I give you leave,” said the voice. Then there were rustlings. “Come in now.”
And there was his mother standing by her bath, which smelt deliciously fragrant, in a lovely blue bath-towel dressing-gown.
“Good-morning, darling,” said she. “But you must never come into a lady’s bathroom unless she gives you leave.”
“Why not?” said Archie. “You come to see me in my bath without my saying ‘Yes.’”
She gave that delicious bubble of laughter that reminded Archie of the sound of cool lemonade being poured out of the bottle.
“I shan’t when you’re as old as me,” she said. “I shall always ask your leave. And probably you won’t give it me.”
“Why not? It’s only me,” said Archie.
“You’ll know when you’re older,” said she.
Archie rather despised that argument: it seemed to apply to so many situations in life. But he had already formed the very excellent habit of crediting his mother with the gift of common sense, for was it not she who had discovered that the snarl of the tiger-heads was a snarl not at Archie, but at his enemies? But on this occasion it merely confirmed his conviction that women were somehow deformed. They wore skirts instead of breeches, and though, judging by his younger sister, they were normal up to about the level of the knee, it seemed likely that their legs extended no farther, but that they became like peg-tops, swelling out in one round piece till their bodies were reached. What confirmed this impression was that they seemed to run from their knees instead of striding with a swung leg. Blessington always ran like that: her feet twinkled in ridiculously short steps, and after a moment or two she said:
“Eh, I can’t run any more. I’ve got a bone in my leg.”
“And haven’t I?” asked Archie.
“No, dear: you’re just made of gristle and quicksilver,” said Blessington, with a sudden lyrical spasm as she looked at the shining face of her most beloved.
“What’s quicksilver?” asked Archie. “And why haven’t I got a bone in my leg? O-o-oh!” and a sudden thought struck him. “Have women got bones in their legs and not boys? Is that why they can’t run properly? Mummy can’t run, nor can you; but William can, damn him.”
“Master Archie!” said Blessington in her most severe voice.
“What for?” asked Archie.
“You must never say that, Master Archie,” said Blessington, who only called him Master Archie on impressive occasions. “You must never say what you said after ‘William can.’”
“But daddy said it to William this morning,” said Archie.
Blessington still wore the iron mask on her face. It was lucky for her that Archie did not know how puzzled she was as to the correct answer.
“Your papa says what he thinks fit,” she said, “and that is right for him. But young gentlemen never say it.”
“How old shall I have to be—” began Archie.
“And look at your shoe-lace all untied,” said Blessington with extreme promptitude. “Do it up at once, or you’ll be treading on it. And then it will be time for you to go in, and you can write your letter to Miss Marjorie before your dinner.”
Miss Marjorie was the elder of Archie’s two sisters. She was ten years older than he, and at the present time was staying with her grandmother, whom Archie strongly suspected of being either a witch or a man. She was large and rustling, and had a bass voice and a small moustache and a small husband, who was an earl, to whom, when he came to stay with Archie’s father, who appeared to be his son, every one paid a great deal of unnecessary attention. Both of them, Archie’s father, and Archie’s father’s father, were lords, and Archie distinctly thought he ought to be a lord too, considering that both his father and his grandfather were. Blessington had hinted that he would be a lord too, some day, if he were good, but when pressed she couldn’t say when. In fact, there was a ridiculous reticence about the whole matter, for when he had asked his mother, in the presence of his grandfather, when he was going to be a lord, his grandfather, quite inexplicably, had giggled with laughter, and said:
“I’ve got one foot in the grave already, Archie, and you want me to have both.”
That was a very cryptic remark, and when Archie asked William the footman what grandpapa Tintagel had meant, William had said that he couldn’t say, sir. On which Archie, looking hastily round, and feeling sure that Blessington was not present, had repeated “Damn you, William,” as daddy said.
Then William, after endeavouring not to show two rows of jolly white teeth, had said:
“You must never say that to me, Master Archie.”
In fact, there was clearly a league. Blessington and William, who didn’t love each other, as Archie had ascertained by direct questions to each, were at one over the question of him not saying that. Under the stress of independent evidence, Archie decided not to say it any more, without further experiments as to the effect “it” would have on his mother. If William and Blessington were both agreed about it, it had clearly better not be done, any more than it was wise to walk about among the flowers of the big, herbaceous border. The gardener and the gardener’s boy and his mother were all of one mind about that, and the gardener’s boy had threatened to turn the hose on to him if he caught him at it. The gardener’s boy was quite grown up, and so for Archie he had a weight of authority that befitted his years.
It was a lovely, disconnected life. There were all sorts of delightful and highly coloured strands that contributed to it, and others of a more sombre hue, and others again quite secret, which concerned Archie alone, and of which he never spoke to anybody. Of the delightful and highly coloured strands there were many. Waking in the morning, and knowing that there was going to be another day was one of them, and perhaps that was the most delightful of all except when, rarely, it was clouded with some trouble of the evening before, as when Archie had broken a window in his father’s study in the laudable attempt to kill a wasp with a fire-shovel, and had been told by Blessington that his father wished to see him the moment he was dressed in the morning. But usually the wakings were ecstatic; and often he used to return to consciousness in those sum
mer months long before Blessington came in to call him. The window was always open — all the windows in the night-nursery were opened as soon as he got into bed — and the blinds were up, and on the ceiling was the most delicious green light, for the early sun shone through the branches of the beeches outside, and painted Archie’s ceiling with a pale, milky green which was adorable to contemplate. He would pull up his night-shirt, and with his bare arms clasp his bare knees, and, lying on his back, rather unsteadily anchored, would roll backwards and forwards looking at the green light, and rehearsing all the delightful probabilities of the day. Sometimes his mother had promised him that he should go out fishing on the lake when his lessons were done, and this implied the wonderful experience of seeing Walter or William come out on to the lawn, and pour out of a tin gardening can a mixture of mustard and water. When the footman did that it was certain that in a short time the grass would be covered with worms, which William put in a tin box lined with moss. Then Archie and William, sometimes with a sister, whose presence, Archie thought, was not wholly desirable, since she impeded the free flow of talk between him and William, would go down to the lake, and William, who could do everything, put worms on hooks (they did not seem to mind, for they said no word of protest), and sculled across to the sluice above which was deep water, where the fish fed, and away from the reeds, where the line got entangled, so that it was impossible to know whether you were engaged with a fish or a vegetable. The fishing-rod came out of his father’s study — that was another delightful male attribute about the room — and when Archie went in to ask for it, William came too, not in his livery, but in ordinary clothes, and his father said, “Take good care of Master Archie, William. Good sport, Archie.” Sometimes again, if he was not busy, Lord Davidstow came out with Archie instead of William. That was somehow an honour, but Archie did not like it so much.
Once there was a great happening. William produced a curious object that looked like the bowl of a spoon with hooks set all round it. He said there were going to be no worms this time, and, instead of drifting about, he rowed up and down, while Archie, with his rod over the stern, saw the spoon flashing through the water. Then a great shadow came over it, and Archie felt the rod bend in his hands. He was so excited that he stepped on to the seat of the boat, in order to see better, and promptly fell overboard.
He was not the least frightened, and rather enjoyed the splash and the sense of soda-water round him. With both hands he held on to the fishing-rod, which seemed an absolutely essential thing to do, and sank down, down in the deep water, seeing it green and yellow above his head. And then instantly he knew he was going to be drowned, and a feeling precisely identical to that which he had experienced one night when he woke, of a universal presence round about him, took complete possession of him. Then, even before he was conscious of the least sense of choking or discomfort, but was still only aware of coolness and depth and greenness, a great dark splaying object came right down upon him from above, and he found himself tucked underneath a human arm, coatless and in shirt-sleeves which he took to be William’s. But still Archie did not let go of the fishing-rod, and mistakenly trying to speak, bidding William take care of it, his mouth and apparently his whole interior filled with water, and drowning suddenly seemed to be a disagreeable process. Next moment, however, his head emerged from the water again, and William caught hold of the boat.
“Let go the rod, Master Archie,” said he, “and catch hold of the boat.”
“But there’s a fish on it,” spluttered Archie.
“Do as I tell you, sir,” said William quite crossly.
Archie had been told that, when he went out in the boat with William, he had to do precisely as William told him. He was not, it is true, in the boat at the moment, but the injunction probably applied. So he let go of the rod, and the moment afterwards found himself violently propelled over the side of the boat, and tumbled all abroad on the floor of it. They were but a dozen yards from land, and William having once got Archie into the boat, grabbed hold of the rod with his spare hand, and swam, shoving the boat in front of him.
“Oh, well done, William. Oh, William, I love you,” screamed Archie when, having righted himself, he observed this brilliant manoeuvre. “Is the fish there still?”
William scrambled up the bank, still holding the rod.
“Run indoors at once, Master Archie,” he said. “Don’t wait a moment.”
“But William, is the fish—” began Archie.
“Do as I tell you, sir,” said William again. “I’ll bring the fish for you, if I get him.”
Archie ran with backward glances across the lawn, where he was met by Blessington who had observed the accident out of the window, and, before he could explain half the thrilling things that had happened, was undressed and rubbed down and put between blankets. And then, after a few minutes, in came William, having also changed his clothes, with a great pike, and his father followed and shook hands with William, and his mother did the same, saying things that made William blush and stand first on one foot and then on the other, murmuring: “It was nothing at all, my lady,” and Archie asked if he and William might go out again that afternoon, and catch another pike. Then in came his younger sister, Jeannie, who was only two years his senior. She appeared to be on the point of crying, and she flung her arms round Archie’s neck in an uncomfortable sort of way, and Archie told her she was messing him. After that, in reaction from those thrilling affairs, he felt suddenly tired, and, being encouraged to go to sleep, nestled down in the blankets and woke up to find that there was his fish stuffed for dinner, and for himself and William an era of unexampled popularity.
Archie did not understand at the time why he had suddenly blossomed into such favouritism, unless it was for having clung tight to his father’s fishing-rod but he enjoyed it immensely. It was pleasant, too, not long afterwards, to be given a gold watch by his father, to present to William, with a gold chain provided by his mother. And William permitted him to put the gold watch into one waistcoat pocket, and the end of the gold chain into the other, and his father and mother and Jeannie all shook hands with William again (every one seemed to be spending their time in shaking hands with William). So Archie, since William was his friend more than anybody else’s, kissed him, in order to mark the difference between himself and other people with regard to him. He was surprised to find that William had got a soft cheek like his mother’s, and supposed that men’s faces grew hard as they grew older. He instantly mentioned this surprising fact, and William appeared rather glad to leave the room. But in all Archie’s life no event ever occurred which approached the splendour and public magnificence of this whole experience.
Every day the world widened, and, lying looking at the green light on the ceiling in the cool still mornings of that summer which seemed to last for years and years, Archie found himself not only speculating on what fresh joys the day would bring, but joining together in his mind the happenings that at the time seemed disconnected, but which proved to be part of a continuous thread of existence. Just as the nursery passage, and the steep stairs, and his father’s room, and the lawn, and the lake passed from being isolated phenomena into pieces of a whole, so things that happened proved to be the experiences of the person who was known to others as Archie Morris, and to Archie as himself. Sometimes he so tingled with vigour when he woke that, contrary to orders, he stepped out of bed and leaned out of the window, to look at the bright dewy world, with one ear alert to hear Blessington’s foot along the passage, in order to leap back into bed again, for now he had the night-nursery to himself, and Blessington slept next door. At that hour the lawn would be covered with a shimmering grey mantle, pearl-coloured, and here and there a few diamonds had got in by mistake which shone with just the brilliance of his mother’s necklace. Perhaps these were the bed-clothes of the lawn, and when day came, they were covered over by the green bed-spread like that which lay on his own bed. The lake away to the right had different bed-clothes, thicker ones, but
of the same colour. No doubt they were thicker because the lake was colder, for on some mornings he could not see through them at all. To the left, out of the window, rose the wood where the rabbits lived; sometimes one of them, an early riser like Archie, would have found a gap in the netting and was out on the lawn nibbling the grass. The gardener did not approve of that, for the lawn, it appeared, belonged to the people who lived in Archie’s house, and not to the folk in the wood, and this was a trespass on the part of the rabbits, for which the punishment, rather a severe one, was death by shooting. This had added a new terror to the notice in another wood where he and Blessington sometimes walked, which announced that trespassers would be prosecuted. Blessington was foolhardy enough to disregard that notice altogether, saying that it was his daddy’s notice, and didn’t apply to them; but for some time Archie never chose that walk for fear that Blessington might be wrong about it, and that they would meet somebody in the wood who would instantly shoot them both for trespassing. But in childish fashion he kept those terrors to himself, sooner than enquire about them, till one day they actually did meet in that wood a man with a gun. Then in a sudden wild terror Archie clung to Blessington, crying out, “Oh, ask him not to shoot us this time!”
“Eh, darling,” said Blessington. “Who’s going to shoot us? It’s only one of your daddy’s keepers.”
“No, but he will shoot us,” screamed Archie. “We’re trespassers, and he’ll shoot us like the rabbits.”
Matters being thereupon explained, and Archie convinced that he and Blessington were not going to be shot for trespassing, he found that he could make up for himself an entrancing story of how Master Rabbit and his nurse (who were good) never trespassed on the lawn, and that the rabbits he saw there corresponded to Grandmamma Tintagel, and so he did not care whether they were shot or not.