by W. W. Jacobs
The old man sat outside the Cauliflower Inn, looking crossly up theroad. He was fond of conversation, but the pedestrian who had stopped todrink a mug of ale beneath the shade of the doors was not happy in hischoice of subjects. He would only talk of the pernicious effects of beeron the constitutions of the aged, and he listened with ill-concealedimpatience to various points which the baffled ancient opposite urged inits favour.
Conversation languished; the traveller rapped on the table and had hismug refilled. He nodded courteously to his companion and drank.
"Seems to me," said the latter, sharply, "you like it for all yourtalk."
The other shook his head gently, and, leaning back, bestowed a covertwink upon the signboard. He then explained that it was the dream of hislife to give up beer.
"You're another Job Brown," said the old man, irritably, "that's wot youare; another Job Brown. I've seen your kind afore."
He shifted farther along the seat, and, taking up his long clay pipefrom the table, struck a match and smoked the few whiffs which remained.Then he heard the traveller order a pint of ale with gin in it and apaper of tobacco. His dull eyes glistened, but he made a feeble attemptto express surprise when these luxuries were placed before him.
"Wot I said just now about you being like Job Brown was only in jokelike," he said, anxiously, as he tasted the brew. "If Job 'ad been likeyou he'd ha' been a better man."
The philanthropist bowed. He also manifested a little curiosityconcerning one to whom he had, for however short a time, suggested aresemblance.
"He was one o' the 'ardest drinkers in these parts," began the old man,slowly, filling his pipe.
The traveller thanked him.
"Wot I meant was"--said the old man, hastily--"that all the time 'e wasdrinking 'e was talking agin beer same as you was just now, and he usedto try all sorts o' ways and plans of becoming a teetotaler. He used tosit up 'ere of a night drinking 'is 'ardest and talking all the time ofways and means by which 'e could give it up. He used to talk abouthisself as if 'e was somebody else 'e was trying to do good to.
The chaps about 'ere got sick of 'is talk. They was poor men mostly,same as they are now, and they could only drink a little ale now andthen; an' while they was doing of it they 'ad to sit and listen to JobBrown, who made lots o' money dealing, drinking pint arter pint o' ginand beer and calling it pison, an' saying they was killing theirselves.
"Sometimes 'e used to get pitiful over it, and sit shaking 'is 'ead at'em for drowning theirselves in beer, as he called it, when they oughtto be giving the money to their wives and families. He sat down andcried one night over Bill Chambers's wife's toes being out of 'er boots.Bill sat struck all of a 'eap, and it might 'ave passed off, only HeneryWhite spoke up for 'im, and said that he scarcely ever 'ad a pint butwot somebody else paid for it. There was unpleasantness all round then,and in the row somebody knocked one o' Henery's teeth out.
"And that wasn't the only unpleasantness, and at last some of the chapsput their 'eads together and agreed among theirselves to try and helpJob Brown to give up the drink. They kep' it secret from Job, but thenext time 'e came in and ordered a pint Joe Gubbins--'aving won thetoss--drank it by mistake, and went straight off 'ome as 'ard as 'ecould, smacking 'is lips.
"He 'ad the best of it, the other chaps 'aving to 'old Job down in 'ischair, and trying their 'ardest to explain that Joe Gubbins was onlydoing him a kindness. He seemed to understand at last, and arter a longtime 'e said as 'e could see Joe meant to do 'im a kindness, but 'e'dbetter not do any more.
"He kept a very tight 'old o' the next pint, and as 'e set down at thetable he looked round nasty like and asked 'em whether there was anymore as would like to do 'im a kindness, and Henery White said therewas, and he went straight off 'ome arter fust dropping a handful o'sawdust into Job's mug.
"I'm an old man, an' I've seen a good many rows in my time, but I'venever seen anything like the one that 'appened then. It was no goodtalking to Job, not a bit, he being that unreasonable that even when 'isown words was repeated to 'im he wouldn't listen. He behaved like amadman, an' the langwidge 'e used was that fearful and that wicked thatSmith the landlord said 'e wouldn't 'ave it in 'is house.
"Arter that you'd ha' thought that Job Brown would 'ave left off 'istalk about being teetotaler, but he didn't. He said they was quite rightin trying to do 'im a kindness, but he didn't like the way they did it.He said there was a right way and a wrong way of doing everything, andthey'd chose the wrong.
"It was all very well for 'im to talk, but the chaps said 'e might drinkhisself to death for all they cared. And instead of seeing 'im safe 'omeas they used to when 'e was worse than usual he 'ad to look arterhisself and get 'ome as best he could.
"It was through that at last 'e came to offer five pounds reward toanybody as could 'elp 'im to become a teetotaler. He went off 'ome onenight as usual, and arter stopping a few seconds in the parlour to pullhisself together, crept quietly upstairs for fear of waking 'is wife. Hesaw by the crack under the door that she'd left a candle burning, so hepulled hisself together agin and then turned the 'andle and went in andbegan to try an' take off 'is coat.
"He 'appened to give a 'alf-look towards the bed as 'e did so, and then'e started back and rubbed 'is eyes and told 'imself he'd be better in aminute. Then 'e looked agin, for 'is wife was nowhere to be seen, and inthe bed all fast and sound asleep and snoring their 'ardest was littleDick Weed the tailor and Mrs. Weed and the baby.
"Job Brown rubbed 'is eyes again, and then 'e drew hisself up to 'isfull height, and putting one 'and on the chest o' drawers to steadyhisself stood there staring at 'em and getting madder and madder everysecond. Then 'e gave a nasty cough, and Dick and Mrs. Weed an' the babyall woke up and stared at 'im as though they could 'ardly believe theireyesight.
"'Wot do you want?' ses Dick Weed, starting up.
"'Get up,' ses Job, 'ardly able to speak. I'm surprised at you. Get upout o' my bed direckly.'
"'Your bed?' screams little Dick; 'you're the worse for licker, JobBrown. Can't you see you've come into the wrong house?'
"'Eh?' ses Job, staring. 'Wrong 'ouse? Well, where's mine, then?'
"'Next door but one, same as it always was,' ses Dick. 'Will you go?'
"'A' right,' ses Job, staring. 'Well, goo'-night, Dick. Goo'-night, Mrs.Weed. Goo'-night, baby.'
"'Good-night,' ses Mrs. Weed from under the bedclothes.
"'Goo'-night, baby,' ses Job, again.
"'It can't talk yet,' ses Dick. 'Will you go?
"'Can't talk--why not?' ses Job.
"Dick didn't answer 'im.
"'Well, goo'-night, Dick,' he ses agin.
"'Good-night,' ses Dick from between 'is teeth.
"'Goo'-night, Mrs. Weed,' ses Job.
"Mrs. Weed forced herself to say 'good-night' agin.
"'Goo'-night, baby,' ses Job.
"'Look 'ere,' ses Dick, raving, 'are you goin' to stay 'ere all night,Job Brown?'
"Job didn't answer 'im, but began to go downstairs, saying 'goo'-night'as 'e went, and he'd got pretty near to the bottom when he suddenlywondered wot 'e was going downstairs for instead of up, and ladinggently at 'is foolishness for making sich a mistake 'e went upstairsagin. His surprise when 'e see Dick Weed and Mrs. Weed and the baby allin 'is bed pretty near took 'is breath away.
"'Wot are you doing in my bed?' he ses.
"'It's our bed,' ses Dick, trembling all over with rage. 'I've told youafore you've come into the wrong 'ouse.'
"'Wrong 'ouse,' ses Job, staring round the room. 'I b'leeve you'reright. Goo'-night, Dick; goo'-night, Mrs. Weed; goo'-night, baby.'
"Dick jumped out of bed then and tried to push 'im out of the room, but'e was a very small man, and Job just stood there and wondered wot hewas doing. Mrs. Weed and the baby both started screaming one against theother, and at last Dick pushed the window open and called out for help.
"They 'ad the neighbours in then, and the trouble they 'ad to get Jobdownstairs wouldn't be believed. Mrs. Pot
tle went for 'is wife at last,and then Job went 'ome with 'er like a lamb, asking 'er where she'd beenall the evening, and saying 'e'd been looking for 'er everywhere.
"There was such a to-do about it in the village next morning that JobBrown was fairly scared. All the wimmen was out at their doors talkingabout it, and saying wot a shame it was and 'ow silly Mrs. Weed was toput up with it. Then old Mrs. Gumm, 'er grandmother, who waseighty-eight years old, stood outside Job's 'ouse nearly all day,shaking 'er stick at 'im and daring of 'im to come out. Wot with Mrs.Gumm and the little crowd watching 'er all day and giving 'er goodadvice, which she wouldn't take, Job was afraid to show 'is nose outsidethe door.
"He wasn't like hisself that night up at the Cauliflower. 'E sat up inthe corner and wouldn't take any notice of anybody, and it was easy tosee as he was thoroughly ashamed of hisself.
"'Cheer up, Job,' says Bill Chambers, at last; 'you ain't the fust manas has made a fool of hisself.'
"'Mind your own business,' ses Job Brown, 'and I'll mind mine.'
"'Why don't you leave 'im alone, Bill?' ses Henery White; 'you can seethe man is worried because the baby can't talk.'
"'Oh,' ses Bill, 'I thought 'e was worried because 'is wife could.'
"All the chaps, except Job, that is, laughed at that; but Job 'e got upand punched the table, and asked whether there was anybody as would liketo go outside with him for five minutes. Then 'e sat down agin, and said'ard things agin the drink, which 'ad made 'im the larfing-stock of allthe fools in Claybury.
"'I'm going to give it up, Smith,' he ses.
"'Yes, I know you are,' ses Smith.
"'If I could on'y lose the taste of it for a time I could give it up,'ses Job, wiping 'is mouth, 'and to prove I'm in earnest I'll give fivepounds to anybody as'll prevent me tasting intoxicating licker for amonth.'
"'You may as well save your breath to bid people "good-night" with,Job,' ses Bill Chambers; 'you wouldn't pay up if anybody did keep youoff it.'
"Job swore honour bright he would, but nobody believed 'im, and at lasthe called for pen and ink and wrote it all down on a sheet o' paper andsigned it, and then he got two other chaps to sign it as witnesses.
"Bill Chambers wasn't satisfied then. He pointed out that earning thefive pounds, and then getting it out o' Job Brown arterwards, was twosuch entirely different things that there was no likeness between 'em atall. Then Job Brown got so mad 'e didn't know wot 'e was doing, and 'e'anded over five pounds to Smith the landlord and wrote on the paperthat he was to give it to anybody who should earn it, without consulting'im at all. Even Bill couldn't think of anything to say agin that, buthe made a point of biting all the sovereigns.
"There was quite a excitement for a few days. Henery White 'e got a'eadache with thinking, and Joe Gubbins, 'e got a 'eadache for drinkingJob Brown's beer agin. There was all sorts o' wild ways mentioned toearn that five pounds, but they didn't come to anything.
"Arter a week had gone by Job Brown began to get restless like, and onceor twice 'e said in Smith's hearing 'ow useful five pounds would be.Smith didn't take any notice, and at last Job told 'im there didn't seemany likelihood of the five pounds being earned, and he wanted it to buypigs with. The way 'e went on when Smith said 'e 'adn't got the power togive it back, and 'e'd got to keep it in trust for anybody as might earnit, was disgraceful.
"He used to ask Smith for it every night, and Smith used to give 'im thesame answer, until at last Job Brown said he'd go an' see a lawyer aboutit. That frightened Smith a bit, and I b'lieve he'd ha' 'anded it over,but two days arterwards Job was going upstairs so careful that he felldown to the bottom and broke 'is leg.
"It was broken in two places, and the doctor said it would be a longjob, owing to 'is drinking habits, and 'e gave Mrs. Brown strict ordersthat Job wasn't to 'ave a drop of anything, even if 'e asked for it.
"There was a lot o' talk about it up at the Cauliflower 'ere, and HeneryWhite, arter a bad 'eadache, thought of a plan by which 'e and BillChambers could 'ave that five pounds atween 'em. The idea was that BillChambers was to go with Henery to see Job, and take 'im a bottle ofbeer, and jist as Job was going to drink it Henery should knock it outof 'is 'ands, at the same time telling Bill Chambers 'e ought to beashamed o' hisself.
"It was a good idea, and, as Henery White said, if Mrs. Brown was in theroom so much the better, as she'd be a witness. He made Bill swear tokeep it secret for fear of other chaps doing it arterwards, and thenthey bought a bottle o' beer and set off up the road to Job's. Theannoying part of it was, arter all their trouble and Henery White's'eadache, Mrs. Brown wouldn't let 'em in. They begged and prayed of 'erto let 'em go up and just 'ave a peep at 'im, but she wouldn't. She saidshe'd go upstairs and peep for 'em, and she came down agin and said that'e was a little bit flushed, but sleeping like a lamb.
"They went round the corner and drank the ale up, and Bill Chambers saidit was a good job. Henery thought 'e was clever, because nobody elsedid. As for 'is 'eadaches, he put 'em down to over-eating.
"Several other chaps called to see Job, but none of them was allowed togo up, and for seven weeks that unfortunate man never touched a drop ofanything. The doctor tried to persuade 'im now that 'e 'ad got the startto keep it, and 'e likewise pointed out that as 'e had been withoutliquor for over a month, he could go and get that five pounds back outo' Smith.
"Job promised that 'e would give it up; but the fust day 'e felt able tocrawl on 'is crutches he made up 'is mind to go up to the Cauliflowerand see whether gin and beer tasted as good as it used to. The onlything was 'is wife might stop 'im.
"'You're done up with nursing me, old gal,' he ses to 'is wife.
"'I am a bit tired,' ses she.
"'I could see it by your eyes,' ses Job. 'What you want is a change,Polly. Why not go and see your sister at Wickham?"
"'I don't like leaving you alone,' ses Mrs. Brown, 'else I'd like to go.I want to do a little shopping.'
"'You go, my dear,' ses Job. 'I shall be quite 'appy sitting at the gatein the sun with a glass o' milk an' a pipe.'
"He persuaded 'er at last, and, in a fit o' generosity, gave 'er threeshillings to go shopping with, and as soon as she was out o' sight hewent off with a crutch and a stick, smiling all over 'is face. He metDick Weed in the road and they shook 'ands quite friendly, and Job asked'im to 'ave a drink. Then Henery White and some more chaps came along,and by the time they got to the Cauliflower they was as merry a party asyou'd wish to see.
"Every man 'ad a pint o' beer, which Job paid for, not forgetting Smith'isself, and Job closed 'is eyes with pleasure as 'e took his. Then theybegan to talk about 'is accident, and Job showed 'em is leg anddescribed wot it felt like to be a teetotaler for seven weeks.
"'And I'll trouble you for that five pounds, Smith,' 'e ses, smiling.'I've been without anything stronger than milk for seven weeks. I neverthought when I wrote that paper I was going to earn my own money.'
"'None of us did, Job,' ses Smith. 'D'ye think that leg'll be all rightagin? As good as the other, I mean?'
"'Doctor ses so,' ses Job.
"'It's wonderful wot they can do nowadays,' ses Smith, shaking 'is 'ead.
"''Strordinary,' ses Job; 'where's that five pounds, Smith?'
"'You don't want to put any sudden weight or anything like that on itfor a time, Job,' ses Smith; 'don't get struggling or fighting, whateveryou do, Job.'
"''Taint so likely,' ses Job; 'd'ye think I'm a fool? Where's that fivepounds, Smith?'
"'Ah, yes,' ses Smith, looking as though 'e'd just remembered something.'I wanted to tell you about that, to see if I've done right. I'm gladyou've come in.'
"'Eh?' ses Job Brown, staring at 'im.
"'Has your wife gone shopping to-day?' ses Smith, looking at 'im verysolemn.
"Job Brown put 'is mug down on the table and turned as pale as ashes.Then 'e got up and limped over to the bar.
"'Wot d'yer mean' he ses, choking.
"'She said she thought o' doing so,' ses Smith, wiping a glass; 'shecame in y
esterday and asked for that five pounds she'd won. The doctorcame in with 'er and said she'd kept you from licker for seven weeks,let alone a month; so, according to the paper, I 'ad to give it to 'er.I 'ope I done right, Job?'
"Job didn't answer 'im a word, good or bad. He just turned 'is back onhim, and, picking up 'is crutch and 'is stick, hobbled off 'ome. HeneryWhite tried to make 'im stop and 'ave another pint, but he wouldn't. Hesaid he didn't want 'is wife to find 'im out when she returned."
BREVET RANK