by A. L. Brooks
She sighed, knowing the deeper truth was more than that, but she wasn’t ready to share that with the boys. Not yet. What she said about Lou wasn’t a lie. She had no trouble conjuring up all sorts of images of Lou in her head that made her temperature rise.
“Tell us all about her while I dish up,” said Jake, turning to grab plates from the rack above the breakfast bar. “She must be pretty special to have broken through those walls you’ve so carefully built up over the years.”
So she told them all about Lou, and the words came gushing out. Without consciously realising it, she had stored away numerous details about Lou in her memory. The way she always sat up a little straighter in her chair whenever Stephanie approached her desk. The way she steepled her fingers when she was deep in thought about something. How slender yet strong those hands looked. The way her smile made Stephanie feel a little tingle deep in her stomach. Her quiet, dry humour—always so startling coming from someone so shy. The inexplicable wave of loneliness that hit Stephanie a few minutes after she’d left Lou’s presence. Her gorgeous, beautiful face. Her hot body. She talked on and on, through their starter and on into the main course.
“You really like this woman, don’t you?” asked Jake, smiling as Stephanie blushed.
“Yes, and I don’t think I realised just how much until I sat down to confess all to you guys. I mean, she’s constantly been in my thoughts since I met her, but I’ve been fighting it. Wow.” She felt a little dazed and caught Jake sharing a secret smile with Matt.
After the meal, the rest of the evening was spent talking of other things. Stephanie was emotionally drained and needed a change of topic. But later, in the cab on the way home, she found herself thinking of Lou again. Where was she on a Friday night? Who was she with? Presumably she was single, if she’d asked Stephanie out. But did she have friends she went out with? There was so much she didn’t know about her and so much more she wanted to know.
* * *
Lou got to the club at just after ten. Later than she normally would, but she’d struggled to decide what to do. She was still reeling from her disastrous attempt to get to know Stephanie, and somehow that made her even more desperate to come to the club. Now that she was here, her heart wasn’t really in it. She was so torn. She didn’t want to lose this place; it had been her escape and was so important to her because of that.
Without it, she really didn’t know what else she would do to find…company when she desired it.
She was considering the idea of seeing a counsellor, but that was almost as terrifying as trying to meet a woman outside the boundaries of this building. Opening herself up to some…stranger, trying to explain all that she felt. It made her shudder. But it might be the only way for her to avoid being single for the rest of her life.
She sat in Green with a beer, watching the activity around her and trying to tune her body into it. It was quite busy, with about a dozen couples dotted around the room. She focused on a couple nearby; they were simply kissing, had been for some time now. That stirred something in her. Yes, kissing, for now, would be nice. Just holding someone close, exploring her mouth and lips, feeling her tongue tenderly stroking hers.
The need came from deep inside. It wasn’t necessarily a sexual feeling but something far more…emotional. She wondered if any of the single women in here would be amenable to that. She’d have to ask, of course, and that would take a little bravery. But somehow, in wanting it so much, the idea of asking for it wasn’t that daunting.
After her last visit here, when she’d been so angry and hurt, she had gone home in a bad way. Yes, she’d had a couple of fucks that night, but they had been even more meaningless than her previous visits. She had gone through the motions and got nothing out of it. She’d let herself be talked into the second one because she couldn’t believe it could be any worse than the first. She had been wrong.
Tonight, she needed almost the complete opposite of fucking. She needed connection.
She took another sip of her beer and glanced around the room once more. Her gaze fell on a cute woman tucked into one of the corners. She looked about Lou’s height with straight, dark hair that fell just past her shoulders. A nice face—nothing spectacularly beautiful, but with a gentle attractiveness that tugged at Lou. And a body that was full of lovely curves in all the right places—not slim, not perfectly proportioned, but all the sexier for it.
The woman cast furtive glances around the room. She was either new here or a little shy. Or maybe she was a first-timer for a sexual experience with a woman. Lou smiled to herself. They might just work quite nicely together.
She took a deep breath, summoning some courage, and got up off her stool. Abandoning her half-empty beer, she walked slowly over to the woman, allowing her some time to realise that Lou was approaching her and giving her a few moments to get used to the idea.
As she got closer, Lou smiled gently, and the woman smiled back. Lou stopped in front of her, not touching.
“Hey,” Lou said, quietly, her voice not shaking too badly. “Mind if I join you?”
The woman, her eyes wide, shook her head slightly, and Lou stepped carefully forward to cup the woman’s face in one hand.
“Can I kiss you?” Lou asked. “For now, I just want to kiss; is that okay?” Her voice shook more now, and the woman’s posture softened slightly.
After a second, the woman nodded and swallowed hard. Lou carefully pulled the woman into her arms. The woman moaned and tentatively wrapped her arms around Lou’s waist. Her whole body was trembling.
Lou studied her. Perhaps lunging in for a deep kiss shouldn’t be the next step. Not just yet.
“First time here?” she asked, looking into the woman’s lovely brown eyes.
The woman swallowed again. “Yes,” she said, her voice a nervous croak. “I mean, I’ve never… I’ve always liked women, but I-I’ve never actually done anything with a woman.”
“God, you’re really brave coming here,” said Lou, gently stroking her face with her fingertips, overwhelmed with tenderness for her. “I’m impressed.”
And she was. She couldn’t imagine the strength it took to walk in here as a virgin. And she was so glad she’d been the one to go over to her, not one of the more aggressive women who sometimes prowled around in Green.
The woman blushed. “Thanks,” she whispered, looking away in embarrassment. “I’m really nervous!”
“It’s okay,” replied Lou. She gently cupped her chin to pull her face back to meet Lou’s gaze again. “We’ll only go as far as you want. I’m totally okay with that. I came here tonight not knowing what I wanted, really, so even if all we do is talk, that will be enough for me. Honestly,” she finished.
The woman gave her a look of utter disbelief.
“So, what’s your name?”
“It’s Vero, short for Veronique.”
“Hi Vero. I’m Lou.”
Vero nodded and huffed out a big breath, clearly trying to ease out some of her nerves.
Lou smiled. Being the strong one for this nervous-yet-brave woman made her feel calmer. Plus, it gave her some confidence. Her shyness and this woman’s nerves were a perfect complement to each other. This might just turn out to be exactly what Lou needed to soothe her soul after Stephanie’s painful rejection.
The woman squeezed Lou tighter. “God, you feel amazing,” she breathed, staring into Lou’s eyes. “Even just this feels really good already.”
“Yes, it does,” murmured Lou, and then she knew it was time, that Vero wanted it enough to overcome her nerves.
Lou dipped her head, and Vero’s eyes widened as she did so. Then she brushed her lips ever so gently over the soft plumpness of Vero’s small mouth. Vero twitched in her arms, and so she kissed her again, just as softly. The moan that Vero let out made the hairs stand up on the back of her neck.
“Okay?” she asked, pulling back to look at Vero, who was breathing heavily now.
“God, yes,” said Vero with passion.
&
nbsp; She pulled Lou back to her and pressed their lips together in a fierce kiss. Lou groaned and ran her tongue over Vero’s bottom lip, asking for entrance, which Vero immediately gave. Their tongues met, and they pulled each other closer. The kiss was long and slow and tender, everything Lou needed it to be. She pulled Vero tighter against her body and lost herself in the warm wetness of Vero’s mouth.
* * *
The next few days were a struggle for Stephanie. She had opened up one of her deepest secrets, and on the one hand, she felt lighter for it. On the other, she was completely torn over what to do next. A big part of her, despite everything she’d discussed with Matt and Jake, wanted to hide it all away again and save her parents the pain of having a lesbian daughter. Just as importantly, save herself the battle of truly coming to terms with it and doing something about it.
Every time she saw Lou, however, all of that doubt faded and was replaced by well, if she was honest, pure lust—and possibly more. Because of their project, she now had to meet with this gorgeous woman for two to three hour-long meetings each week. They were the three hours a week she looked forward to the most, in spite of the tension that still existed between them.
She had tried—gently, carefully—to break down Lou’s resistance again but had got nowhere. Lou had clearly spent a long time protecting herself and was very good at it. And short of confessing everything, which she still wasn’t ready for—and certainly not in a workplace setting—she was rapidly running out of ideas. She was secretly hoping that Lou would make it easy for her, that she would suddenly ask her out again. Lou would never do that, though, not after Stephanie had rejected her so completely that first time. And Stephanie had to be honest—even if Lou did ask her out again and they started seeing each other, her biggest fear would still be hanging over her head.
Night-time was the worst. She would laugh at herself sometimes. Her fantasies and dreams led to some frantic masturbation, her orgasms quick and shuddering, her mind full of images of Lou.
And sometimes she would cry, as those thoughts of Lou would be overshadowed by the voices of her parents, vilifying her for her disgusting desires.
* * *
“Hi, Matt, got five minutes?”
“For you, sweet pea, always.”
She smiled at the term of endearment he’d given her way back when.
“Are you alone? It’s kind of personal.” Her nerves and fears started to well up, and she swallowed them down hard.
“Ooh, I love a mystery! Give me one sec.”
She heard the sound of a door opening, followed by street sounds in the background. Matt was the general manager of a creative design company based in the city—not that he knew much about design itself. After uni, he’d started the company with a couple of friends who did, and they’d been very successful thanks in no small part to his business skills. Their office looked out over St. John’s Gardens, and she pictured Matt strolling across the road to gaze into the trees and shrubs laid bare by winter while he talked to her.
She glanced around to make sure no one was within earshot.
“Okay, coast is clear, what’s up?”
She hesitated, and he sighed with impatience.
“All right, all right,” she said, and her heart started to rise into her throat as she blurted out, “I think I’d like to check out that club. The one in the magazine.”
“Holy Mother of God! Seriously?” Matt’s voice was at least half an octave higher than usual. “Talk about jumping in at the deep end! You could just ask me to take you to a bar one evening, you know?”
“Yes, I know. But this isn’t about meeting someone per se, it’s more about answering a more…fundamental question for myself.”
“What do you mean?”
Stephanie sighed. It was now or never. “I keep going backwards and forwards about not being really sure about all this. One day I think I want to come out, go for it, see where my feelings will take me. The next, I’m cringing at the thought, thinking it’s impossible that I could be with a woman that way. I didn’t tell you guys this part when I saw you. It’s kind of hard to explain.”
“I’m listening,” he said with love and support in his tone.
“I have a number of issues with…sex and intimacy. Not just about being gay, but that’s one of the bigger ones. I don’t know if you can understand this, but everything that I’ve ever had to listen to from my parents about how disgusting and vile homosexuality is has really done a bit of a number on me, despite being friends with you guys as a counterpoint to all of that. Somehow, on the rare occasions over the years that I’ve dared to fantasise about being…physical with a woman, all I can hear is my parents berating me. And it’s only made me want to bury all this even deeper.”
She paused and was grateful Matt kept his silence.
“But lately, since meeting Lou and having such a strong attraction for her, I’ve been thinking about it constantly. Although I think I know deep down that I have to do this, that I have to accept who I am and what I want, I really wouldn’t want to hurt Lou any more than I already have. The idea of laying it all out to her, maybe going on a date with her, and then freaking out when things got…physical…fills me with complete dread. Because freaking out is a very real possibility. I just couldn’t do that to her. I care about her too much already to put her through that.”
She paused again, breathing deeply. “So, I’m back to wondering if that club might be a good way to find out if I can let myself be physical with another woman. To see if I can get past the…damage my parents have done and actually let myself experience what it could be like. I know I want it; that isn’t the problem. And I know I want Lou, very much. But I have this big psychological hurdle to get past before I can act on that want, and it seems like that might be easier to do in somewhere like that club rather than in the beginnings of a relationship with someone so fragile.”
She exhaled a sharp breath. “So, tell me what you think. I’ve…I’ve never told another soul about any of this.”
Matt’s voice was quiet and full of love. “Honey, if you can’t tell me, who can you tell?” He sighed. “I had no idea just how bad it was with your parents—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “There was no way I wanted to tell you guys all of that.”
“I can see why,” he murmured. “Okay, look, I know I pushed you about that club recently, but obviously I didn’t know any of this when I did. Jake was furious with me, actually. He thought it was completely the wrong tack to take. But like you say, maybe it isn’t. I don’t need to set you up on a date with anyone, do I? You know who you want to be with already.”
Stephanie gazed up at the grey sky above her. “Yes, I do. I’m crazy about Lou, and I would love to be able to tell her that. But not until I’ve got this…shit out of my system.”
“Hey, for what it’s worth, I think the fact that you are so wound up by this means you’ve already won half the battle. The fact that you want to fight this speaks volumes. And yes, I think you are right, honey. There’s no way you should lay this on Lou. An anonymous encounter might very well be the answer. Only you can truly know that, but I, and Jake, will support you in whatever you decide to do.”
Stephanie felt the tears drop. “Thanks.” She wiped roughly at her eyes.
“Hey, sweet pea, don’t cry.” Matt’s whisper in her ear was so tender she thanked God and whoever else for the umpteenth time for bringing him into her life.
They talked some more, about their lives over the last two weeks, and she felt so much better for having called him and telling him everything. Until he put her on the spot.
“So, if you’re serious about going to that club, when do you want to go? Presumably you would like a chauffeur as moral support, which is partly why you’ve called me?”
She laughed, nervously. “Yes, okay, so it’s a ‘yes, please’ to the chauffeur with added moral support! But as to when, I don’t know.”
“Got any plans on Friday?”
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sp; “What, this Friday? As in, two days’ time?” Her voice sounded strangled even to her own ears.
Matt howled with laughter on the other end of the line.
“Sooner better than later,” he said. “Before you have time to change your mind.”
* * *
All day Friday, Stephanie couldn’t concentrate on any of her work. Three times she picked up her mobile to call Matt and cancel, and each time she hung up before he answered. He never called her back either, so she knew he knew she was thinking of chickening out and he wasn’t going to let her.
She had to do this, and it was now or never. But God, she was terrified. What if she started…something with someone and then unraveled as her parents’ words slashed though her brain? How would she get out of it? Was it okay to say no partway through? What if she never even got started and left there with her questions unanswered?
She supposed she could always watch. Then maybe she could gauge how she was coping and take it from there. She calmed down at that thought. That actually sounded like a safe plan, to test the waters without committing too much, too soon.
By the time Matt came to collect her, she was in full panic mode. She had spent over an hour deciding what to wear. What was in vogue for a night at a lesbian sex club? Finally, she’d settled on faded, ripped jeans that clung to her legs and ass in all the right ways, a push-up bra, and a tight top with a V-neck that showed off just a hint of her cleavage.
She opened the door to find Matt bouncing on his toes like a kid about to meet Santa Claus. She burst out laughing, and that steadied her nerves a little.
“This is so exciting!” he exclaimed as he followed her into the living room of her small apartment.
She sat down on the arm of the sofa and sighed. Her panic returned in nauseating waves.
“I’m so glad you’re finding it entertaining,” she said snidely. “I am in total fucking meltdown over here, thank you!”
He laughed, sat down next to her, and slipped his arm around her waist.
“You will be absolutely fine. You look red-hot in that outfit, by the way.” He paused as Stephanie took a moment to check herself out again. “Look,” he continued, his voice serious. “You are smart enough not to put yourself in a situation you can’t handle, yes?”