by R. Cooper
Taji had grown up knowing he would likely never be rich, or even financially comfortable. Once his studies began, and he saw his career path, he hadn’t let himself imagine marriage or partnership. Trenne had grown up knowing that almost no one around him would consider any of those, not with him, not ever.
Taji crept forward and sat on his knees in front of the tray. He poked at a thin disc made of a dark grain. He thought it might be some sort of meat or seafood next to it, but couldn’t be sure. “Eat, Trenne. You can’t protect us if you’re weak. And…and I need them to think my big, strong lover needs all the energy he can get.”
His joke seemed to startle Trenne more than soothe him. But he did finally reach for the food, so Taji exhaled and let it be.
Trenne spoke slowly, between bites. He kept his gaze on the food. “For someone of my status to have earned your devotion, they will wonder why. They will assume I tricked you to make you care for me. There are pairings that are arranged or friendships that become more. But there are others where someone intends to make someone their shehzha. Where one has found another who is beautifully free and won their admiration, their trust. The Sha here do not know which this is. That angers them—him, the emperor. The Koel will not like it either, and Olea Rinnah was not pleased to have me so close to her. They will test me.”
He offered Taji a piece of something Taji couldn’t identify. The tray was overflowing, with more than enough for one Shavian, which was the only reason Taji accepted the morsel. Whatever it was melted in his mouth like the butter Taji had eaten as a child. Trenne glanced up at the sound Taji made, then back down. “They will tell you that you can have better. Some may be polite, but only some. You will continue to work. That will confuse them more.”
“Sounds archaic.” Taji didn’t like to judge a culture without knowing all the facts, but this was ridiculous. “I could be getting the best cock in the universe and I’d still be able to work, Trenne. Anyone could. Or…whatever it is they are getting, if not dick.”
“It is assumed they cannot. A shehzha, especially one with deep feelings for who they have chosen, is supposed to be….” Trenne was briefly silent, searching for the right words, Taji realized. “Incredible.” He was almost wistful. “But not capable of much thought.”
“That is…” Taji was not going to think about younger Trenne secretly longing for someone to love him that much. He wasn’t. “Not capable of much thought? Explain, Trenne.”
Trenne seemed to have a sudden problem swallowing his food. “They say there are levels,” he declared at last, and then paused, as if Taji was ever going to be satisfied with just that. Taji stared at the side of his face until Trenne continued. “If we…when two people, as you humans will sometimes say sleep together, that would be one thing. That feels good and is usually not for procreation, and—did you study our biology? I had to study human biology when I joined IPTC.”
Taji’s snort of amusement surprised even himself. “To learn how to kill us?” He snagged another melty buttery thing.
Trenne’s shrug was a very human yes. “And how to help our teammates when injured.” He looked directly at Taji for the first time in far too long. “You did not study us? You?”
“It’s on my list of things to research,” Taji explained defensively. “I looked up some of it.” Like cock size—which actually differed greatly due to all the sex variations. “Your ears,” he said a moment later. One of Trenne’s ears twitched at that, making Taji smile. “I wanted to know if they were ticklish, but no one at IPTC had an answer.” It had been very disappointing. “I looked up your coloring too, after that night.” Taji swallowed. “I didn’t read anything about your brains turning to jelly after orgasm. No more than anyone else’s.” Trenne made an odd face, possibly translating that unusual sentence. “Get really dopey after they come,” Taji amended, in case that was clearer. “As though someone slipped them a narc.”
“I have had sex with humans before,” Trenne said seriously.
Taji could believe it. It didn’t stop him from scowling. “So?”
“Sex does ‘make your brains jelly,’” Trenne informed him, almost smugly despite how awkwardly he used the phrase. “You lose the ability to think after you finish. You cling and you use your mouths for your kisses, and you like to be held afterward.” Which was a hugely sweeping generalization that didn’t stop Taji from glowering at the bedding. “Taji?” Trenne sounded cautious. “I am not insulting you. It is…different but not bad. We also enjoy skin-to-skin contact and companionship and release. Perhaps not to the degree that humans do—”
“Shut up.” Taji’s face was so hot. “We’re social animals. We need that, the contact, the closeness even without sex. Humans need touch or friendship. It affects our brain chemistry and ability to function to not have it.”
He realized he’d wrapped his arms around his chest and forced them down to the bed. He also realized that he hadn’t been close to anyone in the entire time he’d been on Mirsa, and Trenne would know that. Hopefully, Trenne didn’t know how isolated Taji had been on the shepherd moon, or before then. He willed his voice not to crack. “We aren’t meant to be lonely.”
He could hear the voice of one of his professors, joking how if someone drew a face on a rock, humans would befriend the rock. It still wasn’t funny.
“Humans have been kinder to me than most of those I knew here.” Trenne reached out, his hand brushing Taji’s thigh before he pulled it back. “Though your species often confuse me, I have always enjoyed your desire for friendship and the ease in how you form families.”
Taji waved his acceptance of the apology, then looked up despite himself. “Were you annoyed when your human partners tried to kiss you?”
“No.” The immediacy of Trenne’s answer was comforting. “But in the beginning, I did not know why they were acting as though I had—as though we had—reached that level of attachment.”
“I know for a fact Shavians have sex all the time.” Taji sank backward, then scooted until the pillows propped him up. He crossed his arms.
Trenne’s ears were stiff and alert, offended somehow, as if Taji shouldn’t have moved away and continued calmly discussing Trenne’s sex life.
“Fucking feels good.” Apparently, lower class Shavians had no problem in the occasional direct remark. “But the feeling grows if there is…” Trenne made a sound of frustration. “We don’t bond as easily as humans, but it happens. Then, there can be a shift, if there is sex. That is what they say.”
“A shift.” Taji was doubtful and curious at the same time. “What kind of shift? Are you like that tentacled species on Deeso who only grow sex organs in response to external stimuli like rubbing? Or so I’ve heard.” He knew that wasn’t the case, but enjoyed the idea that Trenne was the one embarrassed for once.
“It alters our chemistry, signals a change.” Trenne picked at his food before putting it down. “It creates positive feelings.”
Taji had trouble speaking. “That sounds like love, Trenne, in all its varieties.”
Trenne reached up to tug at one ear. “Perhaps it is similar to what humans call love, I could not say. But, if the partners feel this closeness, and there is sex, there are more changes. It…has an effect, especially on those who receive the most contact. From what I know, each is affected in ways that may differ. But if the bond is deep, or if one of them is already wild, then some do get out of control. For a time.”
Taji reached for his data device but left it on the bed without turning it on. He stared at Trenne until Trenne tugged on his ear again.
Taji thought he was being pretty calm. He spoke very slowly. “Trenne, are you telling me that biologically, Shavians give orgasms so good that some of you actually lose your minds or go into an altered state?”
“No.” Trenne gave him a mildly disgruntled look. “The orgasms are part of the reason.”
Taji could not tell if he was kidding. “You said the sex grows into more sometimes. Like friendship or…just more. And then—”
“That is not what Larin has.” The harsh note in Trenne’s voice made Taji jump. “Perhaps someone truly great would have enough honor to protect more than one shehzha. It takes strength to be worthy of them, to give them what they need and yet keep them from destroying themselves.”
“Humans call all that ‘love,’ Trenne.” Taji studied the two Shavians on the ceiling. “So love, or some similar chemical reaction, sets off a series of biological triggers once regular sex gets involved? Sex already feels good. The love, or care,” he used Trenne’s word, “if requited, feels good but also makes for a stronger chemical cocktail. So much so that one half of every pair—assuming it’s a pair, in this case—loses self-control.” He lowered his head. “Like someone with an addiction?” He blinked. “Your sex drugs people? Shared contact leads to a feedback loop of happy brain chemistry to the point where one of you becomes so needy that they have to be kept away from the general public?”
He closed his mouth with a snap, then added, “Phyta didn’t think it was right that his shehzha wasn’t allowed out.” Taji didn’t know why he thought of that first. “What does…I mean, why?” It wasn’t a question, or even a complete thought.
Taji’s mouth went dry. It wasn’t just about Trenne fucking him into the mattress, or the floor, or the wall, or the seats of the nearest flier. This was about Taji being unable to stop touching him, needing to be near Trenne, no matter who else was with them. Contact, Trenne had said. “Just touch?” His voice was scraped raw.
In contrast, Trenne’s voice was quiet and soft. “Not just touch. The changes affect everything. With these feelings, there are differences in the bodily fluids. They are absorbed, and this sets off more changes in the one—in the shehzha.”
“But I’m human,” Taji pointed out, only to recall how compatible their physiologies allegedly were. He cursed the original IPTC employee who had made such coy notes, because he needed to know more about this. He might not go as out of his mind as a Shavian shehzha, but he would still be affected by… “More contact?” He pressed, fixing Trenne with an intent stare. “Bodily fluids?”
“If it were two people wishing to conceive that would be necessary.” Trenne partly flattened his ears. “For everyone else this is…”
“Recreational?” Taji finished, not quite hysterically. He put his palms over his eyes. His thoughts were moving very quickly now. “Do you think the Shavian obsession with self-control is a result of this? As if, at some point, there was a movement away from what is clearly a natural physical process for your species and they felt the need to hide this behavior? Which is weird, because it sounds inescapable. It’s a biological destiny you could only avoid if you never got attached to anyone, or were very careful about your…fluids. Or you created some sort of chemical inhibitor, which may or may not have negative side effects. Which…okay. Okay. Wait, do you have those? Wait—you’re saying if someone swallows, they might then turn into a horny sex-high laut in mating season?”
The giggle was a surprise, and beneath him. Trenne’s ears were probably fully against his skull now. Taji should not have mentioned the large, furry work animals that were notoriously brainless during their rut times. “I’m sorry. I just…as evolutionary adaptations go, that is…oh.” Taji lowered his hands. “Does it aid in conception? Obviously, it’s going to increase the amount of sex this imaginary pair is having, but do the hormonal changes do other stuff, too? So breeding pairs are more likely to make babies, while non-breeding pairs just…have frequent, amazingly good sex.”
Taji stopped to take a breath. “Are the effects as…once there is a pregnancy, things can calm down? Or does that happen eventually anyway? A natural levelling off of the chemicals as the brain adjusts to them?”
“Taji.” Trenne didn’t snap, but the command in his tone helped Taji shut up and breathe and think.
He nodded. “Sorry. I’m processing. I really wish the last IPTC employees had written this down. It seems like a big deal.”
“I doubt anyone would have told them. Humans do not understand.” Trenne hadn’t raised his ears.
Taji sat up. “I’m sorry.” He crawled forward, stopping only to push the tray of food out of his way. Then he settled next to Trenne with his legs hanging off the bed. “I’ve never really had control of anything except myself, and…well, you’ve met me.” He sighed. “But losing it must be terrifying. Especially when everything in your culture says you shouldn’t.”
“They think I will. That I could not fight the longing. They believe I am an animal.” Trenne sounded tired.
Taji smiled as gently as he could in the painful circumstances. “You won’t. As far as shehzha go, I’m very lucky to have you.”
Trenne reached out, this time leaving his hand on Taji’s thigh long enough for Taji’s heart to trip over itself. The faint curve of Trenne’s mouth made him dizzy. “Taji Ameyo, your honor is too great.”
Taji bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying anything else foolish, such as how he wouldn’t mind being Trenne’s shehzha for real, as long as he got to keep working.
Of course, then a small part of him wondered what it would be like to not work, for once in his life to do nothing and to do it with someone who loved him so much that they wouldn’t mind. But that thought was like cracking his ribs apart to expose his frantically beating heart, so he got to his feet instead.
“I’m going to do some more research. I feel like I missed something.” He turned his back on Trenne in order to return to his spot among the pillows, which he aggressively fluffed although this was the softest bed in this galaxy. He felt Trenne studying him, probably correctly thinking Taji was acting too calm, possibly waiting for more questions.
Taji had a lot of questions, but between the trip and this entire conversation, he was exhausted and shaken. Anyway, Trenne had to be worse. “You need to eat more and then sleep.” Taji stared hard at the screen of his DD. “Listen to your shehzha.”
Silence answered his very dumb joke and then Trenne got to his feet. He put the tray on a table before disappearing into the bathing room.
Taji was used to not getting things, but not to being so close to what he couldn’t have. He didn’t know how he was going to sleep between sharing a room with Trenne, being Trenne’s pretend shehzha, and trying to figure out why the emperor seemed determined to provoke most of the noble class, including his own sister.
He stared blankly at the walls instead of at his data device. He was not in a position to think about Trenne’s bodily anything, yet that was exactly what he wanted to do, preferably with a hand on his cock. He could feel shame about it later.
But Trenne didn’t take long in the other room. When he came out, Taji looked up and immediately regretted doing so.
Trenne gracefully crossed the room toward his kit, using the shirt he’d removed to wipe his face and chest. He’d apparently chosen not to bathe, at least not more than a perfunctory scrub up. Water droplets shone against his skin, like beads of sweat but clear and glimmering in the light. Or maybe that was how they looked against the colors of his markings. Trenne’s hair was still bound, leaving his nape and the flexing sweep of his back on display, including the gold and white patches that put Taji in mind of shadows, like traces of light through the trees in the ambassador’s garden.
His black pants were opened at the fly and falling low on his hips. His feet were bare. Taji shut his mouth with a snap and tore his gaze away when Trenne turned to him in inquiry. Trenne had every opportunity to take advantage of Taji’s obvious feelings for him and hadn’t so far, so he wasn’t likely to do it now, even if they were sharing a room and a lie about their relationship.
“Are you uncomfortable?” Naturally, Trenne would ask that.
“About this?” Taji didn’t refer directly to Trenne’s mostly naked body for the sake of his cock and how he didn’t want it to get hard right now. “No. A lot of things, but not uncomfortable. I’m a little worried about tomorrow. I have no idea what could hap
pen, and I’ll have to deal with people making comments. I don’t want people to think I’ve got weak focus, even temporarily. My focus is all I have.” He felt silly complaining about that when Trenne would be facing worse. “Ignore me, Trenne.”
“No. That is not all you have,” Trenne said, confusing him. Taji risked a glance. Trenne was still distressingly shirtless and wet, but farther away.
Taji gestured blankly at him while he regained the ability to form words. “What?”
Trenne took a comb from his kit and pulled down his hair. It fell to his shoulders, inky black and full of waves from how it had been bound. Taji clenched his jaw and held tightly to his data device. He was ready to believe in and pray to whatever deity had blessed and yet cursed him with the sight of Trenne combing his hair.
“You have a remarkable mind, but it is not all you have.” Trenne bound his hair again once he was done, and removed his belt but not his pants. “Shehzha or not, they will see that.” He went over to the door, checking it, probably not for the first time. “There are stories of shehzha who were feared. Shehzha who ruled emperors.”