‘Everything okay with Max? I assume you’re still seeing each other?’ There was a forced casual tone to his voice, which intrigued me, but now wasn’t the time to start reading anything into it.
‘Yeah, fine. He’s, er, asked me to move in with him.’ I groaned inwardly, regretting the words the instant they were out of my mouth. Why? Why did I tell him?
‘Oh. Well, congratulations.’ He looked down at the grass rather than at me when he said this.
‘Maybe,’ I replied with a shrug. He looked up at me then, his eyebrows raised. ‘I don’t know …’
‘You don’t know what?’ he asked quietly. I looked him in the eye and for a moment I felt like something passed between us, something that we both should have put into words a long time ago. I was thinking of what to say, when his phone rang, making him wince.
He stood up and walked a short distance away to answer it, and I used the time to look at him carefully. Ever since I’d first met him, Rav had been a reassuring presence whenever I worked for the police, but we’d rarely seen each other outside of a professional capacity. Maybe we should try and spend some time together socially, to see if I still felt the same when we weren’t discussing strictly work matters. It might give me a chance to see how he felt, too.
I shook myself. What was I thinking? I was with Max, and I was happy with him. I was. I just didn’t really see us living together, that was all. A small voice in the back of my mind asked me if that meant I wasn’t in fact happy, but I silenced it straight away. Whatever the situation between me and Max, it wasn’t right to be thinking about spending more time with Singh.
Singh was walking back towards me, a rueful expression on his face. ‘That was DI Forest,’ he said. ‘I need to get back to the station. Do you mind dropping me off?’
‘No, that’s fine. I should be getting home anyway.’
We didn’t speak as we walked back to my car, and I tried to keep my mind on Lukas and what Sasha and I could do to help him. I wasn’t looking forward to meeting Roy Chapman the following morning, but it could definitely get us some answers, and as Sasha continued to point out, I owed her this. The overtime she’d given me had helped me to pay off the last of the debts my ex-boyfriend had left me with, but I was starting to wonder if that assistance from Sasha was worth what she was asking me to do. And from what Singh had said, should I really be trusting Sasha as much as I had been doing? She obviously didn’t trust me enough to keep me fully in the loop. In which case, should I be doing the things she asked?
I agonised over it all the way back to the police station. Singh could obviously tell there was something bothering me, but he didn’t press me on it this time. After he got out, he leant back in and gave me a quick smile.
‘It was nice to sit and have a chat, if only briefly,’ he said. I was busy thinking of a reply when he waved a goodbye, shut the door and jogged into the station. Hopefully he wouldn’t be in trouble for being away from his desk in the middle of the afternoon.
On the drive home, my mind kept flitting between Lukas and Sasha, Singh and Max. I had too many things going on in my life at the moment, and my head couldn’t cope with it all. Sooner or later I was going to have to stop being passive and letting things just happen around me, and take some decisive action. The problem was that the thought of any particular action left me paralysed with anxiety about whether or not it was the right thing to do. Anna and I had planned an evening out tonight, so hopefully that would help to distract me and give me the perspective I needed to make a decision once and for all.
Chapter 14
The music and lights of the funfair were overwhelming after the confusing day I’d had, but right now it provided exactly the distraction I needed.
Do you want some candyfloss? I asked Anna, pointing to a stall that was festooned with plastic bags of bright pink and blue confectionery.
My sister shook her head. Not yet. I want to go on the Waltzer!
I groaned. The funfair came to our village every year and set up on the green, but I usually found a way to avoid going on any of the rides. I didn’t like rides in general; a day out to a theme park was always pretty dull for me, because I was the one hanging around on a bench holding everyone else’s bags while my friends queued for two hours for some monstrosity that flung them upside down seventeen times.
You’ll be going on it on your own, I told her. You know I hate those things.
Anna pulled a face and signed Chicken, but I didn’t rise to the bait. I was intending to have a fun evening with my sister, and that didn’t include throwing up on my own shoes.
Fine, we’ll go and play some games then. She grabbed my hand and dragged me to the Hook-A-Duck stall, digging in her pockets for change. I knew these things were all rigged, but I pushed the logical side of myself to the back of my mind and had a go anyway. After that, it was the coconut shy and one that involved hitting plastic frogs with a rubber mallet, all of which Anna bested me at. By the end of it she was clutching three different stuffed toys, all slightly sad-looking replicas of Disney characters.
Here, you should have Elsa, she told me, thrusting a doll into my hands. You’re Anna’s sister, she added with a grin.
I laughed, and steered her towards the food carts. My stomach was rumbling with the aromas wafting from the grill van, and a few minutes later we were wolfing down hot dogs, trying not to drip ketchup on our clothes. When we’d finished, we got a selection from the sweet stall and sat down on a patch of grass for a little while.
Have you decided if you’re going to move in with Max? Anna asked me, before popping some marshmallows into her mouth.
I sighed and looked down at the grass. We’d been having a really nice evening, and I’d somehow managed to stop thinking about Max, or Lukas, and for a while it had felt as if my life wasn’t full of confusion and stress.
I don’t know, I replied, hoping to fob her off. I haven’t decided yet.
Anna raised one eyebrow. Don’t lie to me, Paige. I know you said you’d give him an answer tomorrow, and I know you. You’ll have made your mind up a couple of days ago; you’re just putting it off until the last minute. She tilted her head on one side. I know you’re worried about hurting someone, but I can’t tell if you’re worried about upsetting me by moving in with him, or Max by saying no.
Leaning back on my elbows, I stretched my legs out in front of me and looked up at the evening sky. It was that gorgeous dark blue that comes right before the sun goes down, and I could just see a couple of stars beyond the glow of the fairground attractions. The sounds of people talking and laughing mingled with the music from the rides, and the occasional scream of a teenager.
I have decided, I told her eventually, and finally admitting it to myself. But I don’t really want to think about it right now. I feel like it’s such a big decision, I can’t really process it properly. So you’re right, I am putting it off, but it’s more selfish than you think. I turned onto my side and started pulling at a clump of grass. Anna was watching me carefully while chewing the edge of one of her fingernails and I realised she was nervous. It had taken her a while to recover from the brain injury she’d suffered last year, and I knew she was doing so much better now, but living with me was a big part of the stability she’d rebuilt for herself. I realised she was scared I was going to leave her.
I reached across and squeezed her arm. Hey. It’s going to be okay, I promise.
She gave me a small smile. I know I shouldn’t be worried about living alone at the age of twenty-nine, but I am. In London I always had several flatmates, and now I’ve got you. I don’t know how I’ll manage on my own.
Let me talk to Max tomorrow, I told her. Then we can talk about you and me. I didn’t want to start talking about it in too much depth with Anna right now, because I felt I should talk to Max first. Whatever happened between us from now on, I owed him that at least. He’d given me a few days to think about the question, and I thought it was a bit unfair to be essentially discussing his fut
ure with someone else before him.
Anna nodded her understanding, though I knew she was desperate to ask me more.
How’s work? I asked her, hoping that a change of subject might perk her up a bit. Anna had been increasingly busy over the last few months, devising modules and planning lectures for her Deaf Studies classes. She only had a few students at the moment, with a bigger cohort due to be taken on in September, but it seemed like she was finally feeling satisfied with her work and her decision to leave London.
She gave me a look, aware that I was trying to steer the conversation away from myself, but she didn’t push it any further.
Work is going pretty well. There’s more to do than I expected, because there’s always some more paperwork to fill in, or another bit of admin that needs to be completed. But I’m still enjoying it, which is the important thing.
Do you know how many students you’ll be getting in September?
She shook her head. Not yet. Some of it depends on funding, though we’ve had a lot more applicants than we expected, so that’s positive.
That’s great, I told her, genuinely pleased for her. I think she was worried that her academic career would suffer once she left London, but so far it looked like her fears were unfounded. And the cost of living was drastically different in North Lincolnshire, which was a big advantage.
I’ve been thinking about leaving my injury support group, she told me suddenly, and I wondered if this was another thing that had been bothering her recently as well as the possibility I would be moving in with Max. I’m not sure I’m getting any benefit from it any more.
Okay, I replied, unsure what to ask. I’d fought hard for her to be able to access the brain injury support group – at first they’d said she was welcome to attend but that I would have to act as interpreter for her, which we both refused point blank. Family shouldn’t be fulfilling that role, and I knew Anna would never open up about her experience with me there. It had taken a few meetings and strongly worded emails, but in the end some funding was made available for an interpreter, and Anna started attending the group just after Christmas.
Do you think it’s been beneficial? I asked her, not wanting to pry too much but also interested in her reasons for wanting to stop going.
She shrugged but didn’t look me in the eye. I think so. I think it’s helped to go over what happened, and to talk about the things I’ve found difficult while I’ve been recovering. But a lot of them just go over the same thing repeatedly, and I’m finding that part difficult to deal with.
Do you mean some of the other members?
She nodded. Yeah, I think a couple of them are a bit stuck, for want of a better word. They either haven’t dealt with whatever happened to them, whether it was an illness or an injury, or they can’t cope with the changes in their life. I understand, I really do, because I’ve been there. But I’m worried the more time I spend with people who can’t move on, the harder it will be for me to move on. Does that make sense?
It does, I replied, giving her hand a squeeze. Do you feel like you’ve come to terms with what happened?
I think so, she said, and a dark look passed over her face. I wondered if she was remembering the day she was hit by a van and left for dead at the side of the road. The memory of coming home and finding the police outside my door was one I wouldn’t forget any time soon.
It’s taken a while to get used to my own limitations, she continued, sitting up a bit straighter, but I think I’m getting there. I get tired more easily, and I know my emotions are a bit more volatile than they were before, she added with an apologetic smile. But I’m making a new life for myself, and I don’t feel like the group needs to be part of that now.
That makes sense, I told her. But maybe you should think about giving it another couple of weeks, I suggested.
Why? she asked, and I could see the suggestion irritated her slightly so I held up a hand in defence.
I’m not telling you to go, I quickly clarified. If you don’t want to go I can’t make you. I just meant you shouldn’t make a decision too quickly, that’s all. I knew she could be impulsive, and I wondered if something else had happened in her group to make her wary of going.
Paige, will you accept that I know what I’m doing, for once? she asked, getting up off the grass. At least I know what I want and I’m prepared to own my decisions, unlike you.
Her comment stung, but I knew I couldn’t argue with her. I stood up too, and she glared at me with her arms folded. I just want to move on without being constantly reminded of what’s wrong with me, she signed. She was more defensive than I’d expected, and I knew there was something else going on, but she clearly didn’t want to tell me.
In my pocket, I felt my phone vibrate, and when I pulled it out I saw it was Max. I’d missed a couple of calls from him earlier when I’d been talking to Singh and I felt a pang of guilt that I hadn’t returned them, so I knew I really had to answer this one.
Hi, I signed, my smile feeling a little forced.
Hi, I’ve been worried about you, Max said straight away. What have you been up to?
I had some work to do this morning, I replied, not going into any details in the hope he wouldn’t push it. How are you?
I’m good thanks, better for seeing you, he added with a grin. I was wondering what you fancied doing tomorrow?
I thought I’d just come over to yours, I replied, mindful of the conversation we needed to have and not really wanting to have it in a public place.
Okay. I wondered if you’d like to go up to the funfair, he said with a hopeful tilt to his eyebrows.
I winced, then turned my phone around so he could see where I was. Sorry, I told him. I came up tonight with Anna. We can still come tomorrow if you like, though.
He shook his head. No, it’s fine. We’ll do something else. I could tell he was annoyed but he was trying to hide it, and I felt a pang of guilt for not telling him we were going. One of our first dates had been to the funfair a year earlier, and I should have realised the significance. If I was honest, though, it hadn’t occurred to me to let him know.
Once I’d hung up, I went to find Anna, wondering if I’d be able to get any sleep tonight, or if I’d lie awake rehearsing what I wanted to say to Max tomorrow.
Four hours before the fire
The car door slammed as Mariusz flung himself into the passenger seat and huddled down, his face glued to his mobile.
‘What was it this time?’ Caroline asked as she pulled out of the school car park. Her son ignored her and put his headphones in, but she reached over and pulled them out again with a deft flick of her wrist.
‘Don’t try that with me; I’m not beyond grounding you.’
Mariusz let out a snort. ‘How would you manage that? You’re never in.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry for going to work,’ she snapped. ‘Who do you think pays for your phone?’
The boy muttered something unintelligible.
‘Anyway, what was the detention for? You know I can just call your head of year and ask, if you won’t tell me the truth.’
‘Ugh, why does it matter? I’ve done it now. It’s all bullshit anyway.’
‘Watch your language.’
‘Why? You never do.’
Caroline sighed. She didn’t have the energy for these conversations. Where had her cheerful boy gone? It seemed like he’d turned into some sort of Neanderthal in the space of a few weeks. She waited to see if he would eventually cough up the information she was looking for.
‘Fighting, all right?’ he mumbled.
‘Fighting? Oh, love. What made you get into a fight?’ That was so out of character for Mariusz, she knew there must have been something seriously wrong for him to lash out at another kid.
‘He started it,’ he said defensively, and she could feel the tension radiating off him in the cramped car.
‘I believe you,’ she replied quietly. ‘What happened?’
‘Nothing.’ His voice had dropped to a
mutter again.
‘Mariusz, I want to help you with this. I know you must have had a good reason for reacting to this person, but fighting isn’t usually the best solution.’ Caroline was of the opinion that sometimes giving someone a swift punch was the best way to sort out an issue, but she didn’t think it was a good idea to tell him that at this point.
‘He called my dad a retard,’ the boy said, turning to look out of the window. Caroline winced. She knew Mariusz was sensitive about his dad, whom he worshipped, and she could understand why that sort of comment had made him snap.
‘Oh, love,’ she said, not knowing how else to respond.
‘It’s fine.’
‘It’s not fine, obviously. That boy should never have said such a vile thing about your dad.’
‘Why do you care? You hate him.’
Caroline sighed. ‘I don’t hate him. It’s complicated – you understand that. Do you want me to talk to him about your fight?’
Mariusz shook his head. ‘He wouldn’t care. I feel like he doesn’t notice me much these days.’
‘Nadia then?’ she suggested. The idea of having a chat with her ex’s new wife made her clench her hands tight on the steering wheel, but Caroline would be willing to do anything to help Mariusz.
‘She’s just as bad,’ he muttered. ‘She’s been different lately …’ His voice tailed off.
As she pulled into a space in front of their house, Caroline turned to her son, hoping to try and comfort him and delve a little deeper into how he was feeling, but he was out of the car before she’d even turned the engine off. She followed him into the house, but by the time she’d shut the front door she heard his bedroom door slam, shortly followed by loud music. She sat down on the bottom stair, feeling like she’d let him down yet again.
The Silent Suspect Page 11