by Alice Walker
Yes ma'am, I say.
Then us pull into the yard and all the children come crowding round the car. Nobody told them I was coming, so they don't know who I is. Except the oldest two. They fall on me, and hug me. And then all the little ones start to hug me too. I don't think they even notice I was sitting in the back of the car. Odessa and Jack come out after I was out, so they didn't see it.
Us all stand round kissing and hugging each other, Miz Millie just watching. Finally, she lean out the window and say, Sofia, you only got the rest of the day. I'll be back to pick you up at five o'clock. The children was all pulling me into the house, so sort of over my shoulder I say, Yes ma'am, and I thought I heard her drive off.
But fifteen minutes later, Marion says, That white lady still out there.
Maybe she going to wait to take you back, say Jack.
Maybe she sick, say Odessa. You always say how sickly they is.
I go out to the car, say Sofia, and guess what the matter is? The matter is, she don't know how to do nothing but go forward, and Jack and Odessa's yard too full of trees for that.
Sofia, she say, How you back this thing up?
I lean over the car window and try to show her which way to move the gears. But she flustered and all the children and Odessa and Jack all standing round the porch watching her.
I go round on the other side. Try to explain with my head poked through that window. She stripping gears aplenty by now. Plus her nose red and she look mad and frustrate both.
I clam in the back seat, lean over the back of the front, steady trying to show her how to operate the gears. Nothing happen. Finally the car stop making any sound. Engine dead.
Don't worry, I say, Odessa's husband Jack will drive you home. That's his pick-up right there.
Oh, she say, I couldn't ride in a pick-up with a strange colored man.
I'll ask Odessa to squeeze in too, I say. That would give me a chance to spend a little time with the 111 children, I thought. But she say, No, I don't know her neither.
So it end up with me and Jack driving her back home in the pick-up, then Jack driving me to town to git a mechanic, and at five o'clock I was driving Miz Millie's car back to her house.
I spent fifteen minutes with my children.
And she been going on for months bout how ungrateful I is.
White folks is a miracle of affliction, say Sofia.
Shug write she got a big surprise, and she intend to bring it home for Christmas.
What it is? us wonder.
Mr.??? think it a car for him. Shug making big money now, dress in furs all the time. Silk and satin too, and hats made out of gold.
Christmas morning us hear this motor outside the door. Us look out.
Hot diggidy dog, say Mr.??? throwing on his pants. He rush to the door. I stand in front the glass trying to make something out my hair. It too short to be long, too long to be short. Too nappy to be kinky, too kinky to be nappy. No set color to it either.
I give up, tie on a headrag.
I hear Shug cry, Oh, Albert. He say, Shug .1know they hugging. Then I don't hear nothing.
I run out the door. Shug, I say, and put out my arms. But before I know anything a skinny big toof man wearing red suspenders is all up in my face. Fore I can wonder whose dog he is, he hugging me.
Miss Celie, he say. Aw, Miss Celie. I heard so much about you. Feel like we old Mends.
Shug standing back with a big grin.
This Grady, she say. This my husband.
The minute she say it I know I don't like Grady. I don't like his shape, I don't like his teef, I don't like his clothes. Seem like to me he smell.
Us been driving all night, she say. Nowhere to stop, you know. But here us is. She come over to Grady and put her arms round him, look up at him like he cute and he lean down and give her a kiss.
I glance round at Mr.???. He look like the end of the world. I know I don't look no better.
And this my wedding present to us, say Shug. The car big and dark blue and say Packard on the front. Brand new, she say. She look at Mr.???, take his arm, give it a little squeeze. While we here, Albert, she say, I want you to learn how to drive. She laugh.
Grady drive like a fool, she say. I thought the polices was gonna catch us for sure.
Finally Shug really seem to notice me. She come over and hug me a long time. Us two married ladies now, she say. Two married ladies.
And hungry, she say. What us got to eat?
Mr.??? drink all through Christmas. Him and Grady. Me and Shug cook, talk, clean the house, talk, fix up the tree, talk, wake up in the morning, talk.
She singing all over the country these days. Everybody know her name. She know everybody, too. Know Sophie Tucker, know Duke Ellington, know folks I ain't never heard of. And money. She make so much money she don't know what to do with it. She got a fine house in Memphis, another car. She got one hundred pretty dresses. A room full of shoes. She buy Grady anything he think he want.
Where you find him at? I ast.
Up under my car, she say. The one at home. I drove it after the oil gave out, kilt the engine. He the man fixed it. Us took one look at one nother, that was it.
Mr.??? feelings hurt, I say. I don't mention mine.
Aw, she say. That old stuff finally over with. You and Albert feel just like family now. Anyhow, once you told me he beat you, and won't work, I felt different about him. If you was my wife, she say, I'd cover you up with kisses stead of licks, and work hard for you too.
He ain't beat me much since you made him quit, I say. Just a slap now and then when he ain't got nothing else to do.
Yall make love any better? she ast.
Us try, I say. He try to play with the button but feel like his fingers dry. Us don't git nowhere much.
You still a virgin? she ast.
I reckon. I say.
Mr.??? and Grady gone off in the car together. Shug ast me could she sleep with me. She cold in her and Grady bed all alone. Us talk bout this and that. Soon talk about making love. Shug don't actually say making love. She say something nasty. She say fuck.
She ast me, How was it with your children daddy?
The girls had a little separate room, I say, off to itself, connected to the house by a little plank walk. Nobody ever come hi there but Mama. But one time when mama not at home, he come. Told me he want me to trim his hair. He bring the scissors and comb and brush and a stool. While I trim his hair he look at me funny. He a little nervous too, but I don't know why, till he grab hold of me and cram me up tween his legs.
I lay there quiet, listening to Shug breathe.
It hurt me, you know, I say. I was just going on fourteen. I never even thought bout men having nothing down there so big. It scare me just to see it. And the way it poke itself and grow.
Shug so quiet I think she sleep. After he through, I say, he mate me finish trimming his hair.
I sneak a look at Shug.
Oh, Miss Celie, she say. And put her arms round me. They black and smooth and kind of glowy from the lamplight.
I start to cry too. I cry and cry and cry. Seem like it all come back to me, laying there in Shug arms. How it hurt and how much I was surprise. How it stung while I finish trimming his hah-. How the blood drip down my leg and mess up my stocking. How he don't never look at me straight after that. And Nettie.
Don't cry, Celie, Shug say. Don't cry. She start kissing the water as it come down side my face.
After while I say, Mama finally ast how come she find his hair in the girls room if he don't never go in there like he say. That when he told her I had a boyfriend. Some boy he say he seen sneaking put the back door. It the boy's hair, he say, not his. You know how she love to cut anybody hair, he say.
I did love to cut hair, I say to Shug, since I was a little bitty thing. I'd run go git the scissors if I saw ban-coming, and I'd cut and cut, long as I could. That how come I was the one cut his hah-. But always before I cut it on the front porch. It got to the place where eve
rytime I saw him coming with the scissors and the comb and the stool, I start to cry.
Shug say, Wellsah, and I thought it was only white-folks do freakish things like that.
My mama die, I tell Shug. My sister Nettie run away. Mr.??? come git me to take care bis rotten children. He never ast me nothing bout myself. He clam on top of me and fuck and fuck, even when my head bandaged. Nobody ever love me, I say.
She say, I love you, Miss Celie. And then she haul off and kiss me on the mouth.
Um, she say, like she surprise. I kiss her back, say, um, too. Us kiss and kiss till us can't hardly kiss no more. Then us touch each other.
I don't know nothing bout it, I say to Shug.
I don't know much, she say.
Then I feels something real soft and wet on my breast, feel like one of my little lost babies mouth.
Way after while, I act like a little lost baby too.
Grady and Mr.??? come staggering in round daybreak. Me and Snug sound asleep. Her back to me, my arms round her waist. What it like? Little like sleeping with mama, only I can't hardly remember ever sleeping with her. Little like sleeping with Nettie, only sleeping with Nettie never feel this good. It warm and cushiony, and I feel Shug's big tits sorta flop over my arms like suds.
It feel like heaven js what it feel like, not like sleeping with Mr.??? at all.
Wake up Sugar, I say. They back. And Shug roll over, hug me, and git out of the bed. She stagger into the other room and fall on the bed with Grady. Mr.??? fall into bed next to me, drunk, and snoring before he hit the quilts.
I try my best to like Grady, even if he do wear red suspenders and bow ties. Even if he do spend Shug's money like he made it himself.
Even if he do try to talk like somebody from the North. Memphis, Tennessee ain't North, even I know that. But one thing I sure miff can't stand, the way he call Shug Mama.
I ain't your fucking mama, Shug say. But he don't pay her no mind.
Like when he be making goo-goo eyes at Squeak and Shug sorta tease him about it, he say, Aw, Mama, you know I don't mean no harm.
Shug like Squeak too, try to help her sing. They sit in Odessa's front room with all the children crowded round them singing and singing. Sometime Swain come with his box, Harpo cook dinner, and me and Mr.??? and the prizefighter bring our preshation.
It nice.
Shug say to Squeak, I mean, Mary Agnes, You ought to sing in public.
Mary Agnes say, Now. She think cause she don't sing big and broad like Shug nobody want to hear her. But Shug say she wrong.
What about all them funny voices you hear singing in church? Shug say. What about all them sounds that. sound good but they not the sounds you thought folks could make? What bout that? Then she start moaning. Sound like death approaching, angels can't prevent it. It raise the hair on the back of your neck. But it really sound sort of like panthers would sound if they could sing.
I tell you something else, Shug say to Mary Agnes, listening to you sing, folks git to thinking bout a good screw.
Aw, Miss Shug, say Mary Agnes, changing color.
Shug say, What, too shamefaced to put singing and dancing and fucking together? She laugh. That's the reason they call what us sing the devil's music. Devils love to fuck. Listen, she say, Let's go sing one night at Harpo place. Be like old times for me.
And if I bring you before the crowd, they better listen with respect.
Niggers don't know how to act, but if you git through the first half of one song, you got 'em.
You reckon that's the truth? say Mary Agnes. She all big eyed and delight.
I don't know if I want her to sing, say Harpo.
How come? ast Shug. That woman you got singing now can't git her ass outthe church. Folks don't know whether to dance or creep to the mourner's bench. Plus, you dress Mary Agnes up the right way and you'll make piss pots of money. Yellow like she is, stringy hair and cloudy eyes, the men'll be crazy bout her. Ain't that right, Grady, she say.
Grady look little sheepish. Grin. Mama you don't miss a thing, he say.
And don't you forgit it, say Shug.
Dear God, This the letter I been holding in my hand.
Dear Cetie,
I know you think I am dead. But I am not. I been writing to you too, over the years, but Albert said you'd never hear from me again and since I never heard from you all this time, I guess he was right. Now I only write at Christmas and Easter hoping my letter get lost among the Christmas and Easter greetings, or that Albert get the holiday spirit and have pity on us.
There is so much to tell you that I don't know, hardly, where to begin? and anyway, you probably won't get this letter, either.
I'm sure Albert is still the only one to take mail out of the box.
But if this do get through, one thing I want you to know, I love you, and I am not dead. And Olivia is fine and so is your son.
We are all coming home before the end of another year.
Your loving sister,
Nettie
One night in bed Shug ast me to tell her bout Nettie. What she like? Where she at?
I tell her how Mr.??? try to turn her head. How Nettie refuse him, and how he say Nettie have to go.
Where she go? she ast.
I don't know, I say. She leave here.
And no word from her yet? she ast.
Naw, I say. Every day when Mr.??? come from the mailbox I hope for news. But nothing come. She dead, I say.
Shug say, She wouldn't be someplace with funny stamps, you don't reckon? She look like she studying. Say, Sometimes when Albert and me walk up to the mailbox there be a letter with a lot of funny looking stamps. He never say nothing bout it, just put it in his inside pocket. One time I ast him could I look at the stamps but he said he'd take it out later. But he never did.
She was just on her way to town, I say. Stamps look like stamps round here. White men with long hah*.
Hm, she say, look like a little fat white woman was on one. What your sister Nettie like? she ast. Smart?
Yes, Lord, I say. Smart as anything. 'Read the newspapers when she was little more than talking. Did figures like they was nothing.
Talked real well too. And sweet. There never was a sweeter girl, I say. Eyes just brimming over with it. She love me too, I say to Shug.
She tall or short? Shug ast. What kind of dress she like to wear? What her birthday? What her favorite color? Can she cook? Sew?
What about hah-?
Everything bout Nettie she want to know.
I talk so much my voice start to go. Why you want to know so much bout Nettie? I ast.
Cause she the only one you ever love, she say, sides me.
All of a sudden Shug buddy-buddy again with Mr.???. They sit on the steps, go down Harpo's. Walk to the mailbox.
Shug laugh and laugh when he got anything to say. Show teef and tits aplenty.
Me and Grady try to carry on like us civilize. But it hard. When I hear Shug laugh I want to choke her, slap Mr.??? face.
All this week I suffer. Grady and me feel so down he turn to reefer, I turn to prayer.
Saturday morning Shug put Nettie letter in my lap. Little fat queen of England stamps on it, plus stamps that got peanuts, coconuts, rubber trees and say Africa. I don't know where England at. Don't know where Africa at either. So I still don't know where Nettie at.
He been keeping your letters, say Shug.
Naw, I say. Mr. ___ mean sometimes, but he not that. mean.
She say, Humpf, he that mean.
But how come he do it? I ast. He know Nettie mean everything in the world to me.
Shug say she don't know, but us gon find out.
Us seal the letter up again and put it back in Mr.??? pocket.
He walk round with it in his coat all day. He never mention it. Just talk and laugh with Grady, Harpo and Swain, and try to learn how to drive Shug car.
I watch him so close, I begin to feel a lightening hi the head. Fore I know anything I'm standing hind his chair
with his razor open.
Then I hear Shug laugh, like something just too funny. She say to me, I know I told you I need something to cut this hangnail with, but Albert git real niggerish bout his razor.
Mr.??_ look behind him. Put that down, he say. Women always needing to cut this and shave that, and always gumming up the razor.
Shug got her hand on the razor now. She say. Oh it look dull. anyway. She take and sling it back in the shaving box.
All day long I act just like Sofia. I stutter. I mutter to myself. I stumble bout the house crazy for Mr. -?? blood. In my mind, he falling dead every which a way. By time night come, I can't speak. Every time I open my mouth nothing come out but a little burp.
Shug tell everybody I got a fever and she put me to bed. It probably catching, she say to Mr.???. Maybe you better sleep somewhere else. But she stay with me all night long. I don't sleep. I don't cry. I don't do nothing. I'm cold too. Pretty soon I think maybe I'm dead: Shug hold me close to her and sometimes talk.
One thing my mama hated me for was how much I love to fuck, she say. She never love to do nothing had anything to do with touching nobody, she say. I try to kiss her, she turn her mouth away. Say, Cut that out Lillie, she say. Lillie Shug's real name. She just so sweet they call her Shug.
My daddy love me to kiss and hug him, but she didn't like the looks of that. So when I met Albert, and once I got in his arms, nothing could git me out. It was good, too, she say. You know for me to have three babies by Albert and Albert weak as he is, it had to be good.
I had every one of my babies at home, too. Midwife come, preacher come, a bunch of the good ladies from the church. Just when I hurt so much I don't know my own name, they think a good time to talk bout repent.
She laugh. I was too big a fool to repent. Then she say, I loved me some Albert???..
I don't even want to say nothing. Where I'm at it peaceful. It calm. No Albert there. No Shug. Nothing.
Shug say, the last baby did it. They turned me out. I went to stay with my mama wild sister in Memphis. She just like me, Mama say. She drink, she fight, she love mens to death. She work in a roadhouse. Cook. Feed fifty men, screw fifty-five.
Shug talk and talk.
And dance, she say. Nobody dance like Albert when he was young. Sometime us did the moochie for a hour. After that, nothing to do but go somewhere and lay down. And funny. Albert was so funny. He kept me laughing. How come he ain't funny no more? she ast.