“What?” She could’ve sworn he had tears in his eyes.
Reaching for her hand, he squeezed her fingers. “She thanked me for making you smile.” His voice turned hoarse. “Your kids are pretty amazing. You should be really proud of how you’ve raised them.”
The adoration in his voice damn near made her fall apart. Tess suspected not many people would talk to Tom the way her kids had and he respected them for it.
As they parked at the airport, Tess was determined not to break down. “I can’t go in, Tom. I don’t want to do this in front of people.”
He opened her car door and lifted her onto the hood of her car. “I’ve had the best time. I’m going to miss you, Tess,” he said, running his fingers through her hair.
“There are so many things I want to say to you.”
Tess learned a year ago that tomorrow isn’t written in stone. She yearned to tell him she loved him, but panicked, wondering which scenario she feared more. She could choose not to reveal her feelings and risk the one in a billion odds of losing him in a tragic accident, never to see him again. Or, she could gamble, admit her love, and lose him to his own commitment phobias, never for him to return again.
Don’t say it, Tess. You’ll lose him. Don’t roll the dice. Don’t be scared. Be patient.
“I have so many things I want to tell you, too, but there’s not enough time for me to get it all out. I wouldn’t even know where to start. We belong together, Tess. Everything happens for a reason, including this. I’m not sure how I could be any fonder of you than I am right now, but as they say, ‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’” He grinned, tilting her chin up to kiss her lips.
“Your right. We do belong together.”
“I’ve given you something that I’ve given to no one else.”
“What’s that?” she asked playfully.
“My heart,” he said sincerely. “I’m crazy about you. When I’m done with this job, we're going on vacation. Don’t be sad. Let’s look forward, okay?”
“I can do that.”
“Be good while I’m gone.” Tom smirked roguishly.
Tess bit her lip. “I’ll be good. You don’t have to worry, Tom. I’ll wait for you.”
Tom embraced her tightly one last time. “My word, Tess. You have my word. I won’t disappoint you.”
Her heart raced. “I trust you, Tom. You’ve never disappointed me. Don’t forget what I told you in bed today.”
“You don’t have to remind me. I remember. My favorite was the night you asked me to make love to you. Or it might’ve been at Benny’s house against the wall. I’ll replay them in my mind and let you know.” He kissed her sensually, tugging on her bottom lip.
They talked across the parking lot while he walked backwards away from her. “Mine was today or maybe the rainstorm. Actually Greece, definitely Greece!”
He flashed her the grin she loved so much.
“Hey, will you please try to save those for me? That one is my favorite.”
He smiled even bigger. “I’m never gonna be able to leave you.”
Ditching his luggage in the middle of the parking lot, he jogged back and secured her tightly in his arms. She struggled to get closer, wanting this moment to last forever in her memory. The sweet taste of his mouth. The infinite gentleness of his hands as he cradled her face. The spicy scent of his skin. He brushed his nose to hers and walked away.
Tess climbed into the car and watched him disappear through the doors. If they created this many unforgettable moments together in a month, what would the next six months be like with him, or the next year, or the next few years? If her heart held this much love for him now, how would she feel after spending a year together? She couldn’t wait to see what was next for them.
Tess was certain that Tom loved her, too. He simply wasn’t ready to say it. Love would be hard for him to admit to himself, let alone admit out loud.
Pulling into the driveway, she received a text from him.
“Are you smiling?”
“Yes, I am! No more tears, Tom.”
“I miss you already!”
“I miss you, too! Go to work so I can come see you! Call me when you can.”
“I needed that. Bye, Tess.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
When Tess arrived home, her kids waited on the couch with their supportive faces on.
“Are you okay?” Tracy was the first to ask.
“I’m fantastic.”
“Did Tom drug you when he left?” JC asked flippantly.
“Very funny.”
“Wow.” Seemed to be the only word John could sputter.
“We thought you were going to be a mess.” Tracy exhaled in relief.
“So did I, but it won’t be long until I see him again. While you’re all sitting here ready to take care of me when I fall apart again, I want to tell you something.” Tess steadied herself. No tears! “I realize how much of a complete wreck I’ve been for the last year. I should’ve handled it better when your dad died, but I didn’t know how to. Thank you for taking care of me. It should have been the other way around. I love you.”
“It’s nice to see you smile again,” John said.
“Thank God. We thought you were going to be weeping for days.” JC rolled her eyes.
Tess needed to stay busy. Putting her things away, she examined her closet and decided to gut her side. Richards’s things still hung in the closet. Tess hadn’t been able to bring herself to get rid of his clothes. She contemplated it now, but she wasn’t crying about saying goodbye to Tom and didn’t want to cry about Richard either. I’m through crying.
For the next week, Tess ran, worked out and spent as much time as she could with her girls. She felt energetic and alive, but dreaded the fact her girls were leaving. The house would be much quieter, and Tess needed to find a project.
Tom texted her almost every night, but when she didn’t hear from him, she refused to sit around waiting and wondering. Doubt was a place she would not allow herself to go. Trust. I need to trust him.
Tess thought it might be fun to leave for Colorado a few days sooner. Tracy loved the idea and thought it would be good for JC to get her bearings around campus.
Three days went by faster than Tess thought possible. The girls were up early straightening their rooms and getting ready to go. Tess was happy to get the hell out of the house. It would do her good to have some fun with her girls. Colorado couldn’t be any more different from Las Vegas, and Tess looked forward to getting out of the heat and into the cooler weather.
The car was packed full and the girls were ready to take off when John finally showed up to see them off.
“Morning,” Tess said.
“Hey, Mom,” he said quietly. “Where are the girls?”
“We’re right here. Are you going to miss us?” They teased, but quickly realized something was wrong. John stood in the kitchen with his fingers clenched tightly into fists, bracing himself against the counter.
“Did you break up with your girlfriend?” Tess questioned.
“Umm, no,” he huffed, shaking his head.
“You look terrible. What’s going on?” Tracy asked.
“Mom, I need to tell you something,” he said hesitantly through pursed lips.
Tess sank down on the sofa. Tears instantly stung her eyes and her hands started to sweat. Tom hadn’t called her in two days. “What? Just tell me. What is it?” At first, she thought that Tom had been hurt or died. It was a feeling that crept into her thoughts way too often. What if I lose him? What if he dies like Richard? Every time she didn’t hear from him, she worried she’d never see him again.
“I don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but I don’t really have a choice.” The dreadful look on John’s face told the story. His eyes filled with anger and rage, not pain. John handed Tess a magazine. “I’m sorry, Mom.”
Tracy and JC stared in confusion. “What is it?” JC asked.
“This issue just came out tod
ay,” John informed reluctantly.
Tess unrolled the crumpled pages of the magazine to see a photo of Tom walking through an airport with his arm wrapped around another woman. She could only see the woman’s long blond hair, but recognized her immediately.
Mariah.
Tess’ hands trembled and her face flushed with anger. Hot tears burned as they slid down her cheeks.
She shook her head, clenching the magazine in her hand. “Fuck!” Snapping her head up from the magazine, Tess saw the distress on her kids faces. Tracy had tears streaming down her face.
At that moment, Tess made a conscious decision not to break down in front of her children. They’d experienced too much pain over the last year. No way in hell am I going to put my kids through this. Tom Clemmins is my mistake, not theirs. I will not sit here and fall apart in front of them. They will not carry this burden for one second.
She stood quickly and wiped the tears off her cheek. “We leave in one hour. Be ready to go. If my stupid phone rings, don’t answer it.” She spoke to all of them, but looked straight at John. “Got it?” She grabbed two waters out of the fridge and was running before she hit the door.
Anger flowed through her veins as she pushed herself harder and faster into a full on sprint. Tess was hurt, confused, and pissed off. Her thoughts spun out of control. He totally played me. I trusted him and he gave me his word. I was in love with him. I’m so stupid. Urggg. Jerk!
Ignoring the scorching heat, she ran and ran and ran. How could I be so foolish to think he could truly love me? I was just a piece of ass to him. A damn good piece of ass. He was so incredible. He was so wonderful to me. How could I have gotten him so wrong?
She stopped and paced back and forth under a shade tree, going over all the times and places they made love, how he’d made her feel when he kissed her and how they laughed together. That grin. That stupid fucking grin. She wanted to wipe that grin right off of his face.
Maybe he’s like this with every woman he sleeps with. No way! He couldn’t possibly be like that with anyone else! Bullshit. I know he felt the same way. What the hell am I doing? Never again Tess. You will not sleep with him ever again. Never again.
It was too much for her to comprehend as she stood under a tree, sobbing, gasping for air, trying not to hyperventilate.
What have I done? Pull it together Tess. Your girls are at home waiting for you to be a responsible mother. Not a shit on, fucked over lover.
When she bolted through the door, her kids simply stared at her. None of them had ever seen her this furious. Not once.
“I’ll be ready in five minutes.”
“Mom, maybe you should wait until tomorrow,” John said. “I can take off work if you want me to drive you.”
“Nope, I’ll be fine. Five minutes.”
“Mom, really, we can wait,” Tracy agreed.
“Five minutes,” she snarled through clenched teeth.
As they headed out the door for Colorado, Tess glanced at John sadly. “I would appreciate it if you would not tell me I told you so. Please! Not now! Not tomorrow! Not ever!”
“I would never do that to you,” John said sorrowfully.
“I don’t have any idea when I’ll be home. I love you, John, and I’m sorry you had to give this piece of shit magazine to me.”
“Drive careful.”
The girls sat quietly in the car. Tess talked to herself as she drove. The fact that Tom would simply throw her away was killing her. She felt used, as if he never really cared about her at all. They’d been driving for three hours when she stopped so her girls could get something to eat. She wasn’t even hungry and thought she might get sick. It was a long drive and Tess needed to reach their hotel before she broke down into the tears she locked away in front of her girls. It was all she could do to concentrate enough to drive.
Two hours passed when her phone rang.
It was Tom.
She let it ring.
He called four more times and when the phone rang again, she could see an off ramp coming up in front of her. She answered the phone. “Can you hold on a minute?” She pulled off the highway, parked and stepped out of the car.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Tess, I’ve been trying to call you.”
“I know. I didn’t answer.”
He was silent.
“What do you want, Tom?” she seethed.
“It’s not what you think.”
“Now you’re going to try to tell me how I should think? You’re not that smooth, and I’m sure as hell not that stupid!”
“Tess,” he said painfully.
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that! It won’t work. You did this! Not me.”
“Tess, it’s not like that.”
“Really? How is it, Tom? Let me tell you how it is. My son brought me the magazine this morning. Jesus, Tom, I brought you home with me. I introduced you to my kids.”
“I’m not with her, Tess.”
She cut him off. “Really? It looks like you’re at an airport with your arm wrapped around her. You’re not even close to the man I thought you were.” She fumed, hoping the insult cut like a knife.
“Tess, will you please listen to-”
“No, I won’t. I don’t want you to be all charming with me. Why would you do this to me? How can you be so heartless?”
“Please listen to me. Have you even looked at the photo? It’s-”
“Did you just ask me if I’ve looked at the fucking photo? I looked at it! Great shot. Did you call your buddy Joey so he’d take a nice picture of her? I can’t even begin to understand how you could hurt me this way. I trusted you. You gave me your fucking word, Tom. Your word is worth nothing. Zero. Zilch! I thought you were as crazy about me as I am about you. You’re killing me!” She bawled.
He sounded completely distraught, which made her even more upset. “I am crazy about you Tess, the pict-”
“Don’t call me again, Tom. It hurts too much.”
She hung up on him.
Tess paced around her car in circles. He called back, but she didn’t answer. She got back in the car and took off.
Her girls each wore the distinct look of Oh shit! across their faces. “I can’t believe he’d do this to you. Fucking jerk.” Tracy seethed. “I never should’ve apologized to him.”
“What an asshole.” JC sniffled. “He’s not good enough for you Momma.”
Even though they were right, she bit back the urge to defend him. Tess shook her head and wept out a half-disgusted laugh. “So much for dating.”
All three of them were torn between an odd mixture of tears and bitter laughter. JC started to share her philosophy of hooking up, swearing that it beat the hell out of having a boyfriend.
Five minutes later, he called back. She pulled off the road again and got out of the car.
“Tess, please! Will you just look at the picture, it’s-”
“I cannot believe you’re asking me to look at that shit. Maybe I should rip my fucking heart out so you can run it over. You want me to look at the picture?” She left the phone open and set it on the ground in front of her tire. Tess yelled at the phone on the ground. “Are you listening? Because this is what you’ve done to me, Tom! I hope you’re fucking happy! Actually, screw you! I hope you’re fucking miserable!” She got in the car, raced the engine, and ran her phone over.
“Do you want me to drive?” Tracy suggested.
“Did you seriously run over your phone?” JC asked in pure shock.
“Yep! Just look at the picture, Tess,” she mocked. “Fuck him!”
As Tess drove down the highway, her head was a mess. She’d run her phone over and was freaking out, realizing she wouldn’t be able to talk to him or even hear his voice. I’m so pathetic! Now she was furious with herself for still yearning to hear his voice. She was so hurt and angry, but still wanted him and missed him and loved him. Nevertheless, seeing him again was not an option.
They were an hour from the college whe
n Tracy’s phone started chirping. “It’s him.”
Tess answered the phone. “What do you want?”
“Jesus, Tess, did you really run over your phone? I need to talk to you.”
“Yep, I did. You know what, Tracy is awfully fond of her phone and I’d hate to have to run it over, too.”
“I need you to listen to me for one minute.”
“I can’t, the pain I feel right now is more than I can take. I can’t believe you would throw us away.” She hung up and turned off Tracy’s phone.
When she arrived at their hotel, Tess asked for two rooms.
“Mom, why are you getting two rooms?”
“I need to be alone tonight.”
Tess lay wide-awake inside her own personal nightmare. Why didn’t he just let me go? Why did he ask me to stay with him, to be his girlfriend and then screw me over? Fucking pussy. So scared of commitment, this is how he handles it. Inner demons my ass, he’s chicken shit! He should’ve just said goodbye.
Tess’ mind was exhausted, her body numb, and her heart damaged. The heartache she endured over the last year almost killed her, and this wasn’t going to be any easier. She cried herself to sleep.
The next morning, Tracy arrived at her door with muffins and coffee. Tess was supposed to be having fun with her girls and she was angry at Tom for ruining her time with them. They went shopping and Tess pretended to be much better, but it was only for show. They set up the girl’s dorms so they could sleep in their rooms that night.
Back at her hotel, feelings of anger, pain and confusion consumed her. How could she still miss him after what he had done to her? Tess had loved him deeper than she realized.
She drove to the dorms the following morning. “Tracy, do you want to run with me?”
“Mom, I’d love to, but I can’t. I have too much to do.” Tracy said regretfully. “There’s a track and gym on campus you can use.”
Tess ran, pushing past her limits, punishing herself for being a fool. She hoped kicking her own ass would make her feel better, but it didn’t. She found the campus gym, in hopes of finding a way to pound out her rage. As Tess looked around, she spotted a heavy bag hanging in the corner of the gym. Perfect. I need something to beat the shit out of.
No More Wasted Time Page 20