By the time we pull up at Jake and Arla’s house, the butterflies in my stomach tell me a different story. I might not be trying to impress anyone, but I know that Trell and Bryn and the rest of my friends are in there, and even though I haven’t done anything wrong, I still feel like I’m going to throw up as I slide out of the car.
“Wow. They have a nice place.” Taye eyes up the large two-story house with the wrap around porch.
“They did a lot of that work themselves. Wait until you see the inside. Arla loves antiques so much and she goes on so many picks that she’s always changing up what she has because she finds something she loves more. Every single time I come over, there’s something different and something else has vanished.”
“At least she doesn’t horde it all up. It’s good that she keeps you guessing.”
“That and Jake gets mad about the antique addiction. She calls it upcycling and preserving history. He might work with her at their eco store, but I’m not sure he loves the picks that she hauls him on.”
Taye giggles softly and some of the nerves pinching my stomach ease up a little. “He probably just doesn’t like the heavy lifting.”
“The only antique Bryn ever let in the house was the table he bought from Jake and Arla. I didn’t even bother asking.” That sounds a little bitter , so I link my arm through Taye’s.
She stays silent and I chalk that up to being equally nervous. She’s hung out with Arla and Bree before, maybe both of them together a few times. She’s been over to Bryn’s a few times for dinner, but that was mostly when I invited Mom and Dad over too. When I realize that, I feel like a shitty sister.
I let us in, not bothering with the bell. It’s one of those old-fashioned iron horse head bells that you have to clang to ring and I feel like the whole neighborhood would appreciate not knowing that Arla and Jake have guests.
Arla spots me right away and comes running. She gives me a huge hug and even warps her arm around Taye.
“I’m really glad you came.” The relief in Arla’s voice makes the pinched feeling in my stomach so much worse.
“I wouldn’t skip out on you,” I fake pout. “You make the best cookies and chocolate cake, so how could I say no to that.” I glance over her shoulder, into the dining room off the kitchen, which I can see from where I’m standing.
I can also see the living room, given that I pretty much just walked into it, and I realize that everyone is already there. Trell and Jake are talking animatedly about something on the couch, probably sports, a massive bowl of popcorn between them. Bryn is sitting in one of Arla’s antique chairs, seeing as the leather couch is the only modern piece of furniture in the house because Jake wouldn’t be denied something comfortable to watch football on. He turns his head and gives me a look sharp enough that I feel those barbs slip between my ribs. They puncture my lungs, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe.
Bryn unfolds his massive form from the chair he makes look tiny, and saunters over to the door. He glances at me and nods, but surprisingly enough, or maybe it’s not surprising given that he was pretty much part of my family for thirteen years, he has a smile for Taye.
“Minnie Miller. Didn’t know you were coming.”
Taye snaps the gum she popped into her mouth on the ride over. “Coz needed a date. ’Course I came.”
I nearly wince, but Bryn actually grins. “Admit it, you came for the cake, too.”
“Never tried it.”
Bryn turns to Arla. “She’s never tried your cake. You cutting it soon or can I demolish it to prove to her that she’s at the right place?”
Arla laughs. She has a nice laugh. “Go ahead.”
Bryn leads the way and Taye follows. I envy her natural composure. I try and appear casual and unruffled as I slide through the living room, but I know it’s an act. Bree and Karsyn are sitting on the far side on the antique settee. I plop down in the antique chair Bryn just vacated.
“So. I’ve been thinking. I want to get a cat. You probably have a list a mile long of ones you want to adopt. Any suggestions?”
Bree goes off right away. Karsyn looks at her adoringly before he excuses himself from the middle of us and saunters off into the kitchen. Arla disappears in there as well. The house is huge. It’s a modern, newer construction, with dark hardwood and trendy grey paint on the walls, but the furniture and all the various oil paintings and cross stich and other wall hangings liven it up. Arla’s taste is stamped all over it, from the antique chairs to the woven rugs in the living room and the huge farmhouse kitchen table laden with more snacks than an army could possibly devour in the kitchen.
I half listen to Bree go on and on about cats. I knew it was a safe conversation, so I started it up right away, but I can feel Trell’s eyes on me. His gaze is like a hot caress, a brush stroke painting me scarlet. I feel hot and sweaty, even though the house is a nice controlled temperature. My stomach twists and flutters and there are strange shivers sweeping through me.
I was with Bryn for so long, protected in the safety of what turned into a loveless relationship, that I forgot what it’s like to actually feel. It’s not safe. It’s dangerous. It’s scary and volatile and confusing.
I half expect Trell to try to ambush me, but he has other cards up his sleeve. He waits until everyone is back in the room, their plates loaded up with snacks, before he passes Jake the insanely big bowl of popcorn for safekeeping and stands up.
He clears his throat and I already sense this is not going to go well. I’ve been here for all of ten minutes, and already I’m going to be the ruin of this party. Everything is about to go to shit. Big time.
“Now that everyone is here, I have something I want to say,” Trell starts.
I tense up in the chair, my body turned to stone. I want to look at Bryn, but I don’t dare. I want to sweep my eyes to Arla, to Bree, to Taye, to someone, anyone, who could save me, but I know that I’m on my own in this one.
I give my head a nearly imperceptible shake, but since it’s already bowed, I know Trell doesn’t see. I don’t want to him to continue. I want him to stop. I want him to suck those words back in, because I know that they’re going to come out like poison. I knew he was going to do this. I should never have come to this party, but I couldn’t blow off my friends any longer. I couldn’t avoid it. I’ve spent so much time in hiding, it hurts to face the sun.
And how bright that sun is.
Trell coughs nervously. It’s the only sound in the entire room. I finally understand the pin drop statement, because I’m sure if someone had one to drop, it would echo like cannon fire.
“I wanted to say that…- I know it’s probably going to come as a shock, but I wanted to tell you that I, that we…”
The words obviously stick in his throat, but apparently that’s not a problem, because Bryn decides to help him out in the least helpful way. His tone is completely obnoxious.
“What he wants to tell you all is that he’s in love with my ex-fiancé. That he has been the entire time we’ve been together and now he wants his own happy ending and he expects us all to approve of it.”
I thought the silence was bad before. I had no idea. The room goes to another level of static. My stomach sloshes and I want to lean over and throw up, but I’m too close to Arla’s super expensive, very old rug, so I don’t dare. I swallow convulsively while I twist my hands.
Something happens. It happens fast.
I crank my head up when my sister’s voice, her clear, sweet, sharp voice cuts through the silence like a knife through as sheer curtain, tearing it clean in half.
She pulls the metal fork off the antique plate she’s holding. Arla has all different dishes, not one is the same. Taye has a blue and white one with flowers around the edges and a massive piece of Arla’s famous chocolate cake on it.
She’s standing right at Bryn’s elbow and he turns to her when that fork rasps over the china. I think the whole room is watching her, like that fork sliding off captivated us all.
; “You’re an asshole, Bryn,” Taye says with zero malice. She almost sounds happy.
Then she takes her plate with that massive piece of cake on it, that delicious, coveted cake that we all wait all year for, the cake that has become kind of a tradition between us all, and smooshes it right into the center of Bryn’s smug face.
Chapter 9
Trell
Well, that couldn’t have gone any worse. The words “fuck up of the century” come to mind.
I was wrong. It can get worse, because Cozzie erupts out of the chair she’s been curled into like a wounded animal. She’s up, running for the door, before anyone can say anything. Before Bryn can even wipe the startled look, or any of that cake, off his stupid face.
Cozzie throws open the door. She bolts down the steps. She eyes her car, but probably realizes that her keys are still inside in the tote bag she left by the chair.
“Cozzie!”
She ignores me and takes off in the opposite direction. She’s wearing skinny jeans, a blue blouse, and a black cardigan. And flat bottom ankle boots.
I wish she’d showed up in heels. She wouldn’t be able to run nearly as fast in them. Her cardigan trails behind her like a dark cape. She’s going so fast that even her curls, which are down and loose, stream out behind her.
“Cozzie, stop!”
She keeps going, her legs pumping wildly, eating up the sidewalk. I’m in good shape and she’s giving even me a run for my money. She keeps going, until my lungs and legs are burning and hers have to be on fire. She keeps going until she veers across the street, heading for a grassy section in the middle of the suburb. It has a few skinny trees that were planted there years ago and haven’t made much progress since then, a huge playground for all the kids in the neighborhood, and a few benches.
“Cozzie! Stop! If you don’t stop, I’m going to keep chasing you. I’m going to catch you sooner or later, so just…stop!”
She whirls on me right near a bench, her eyes wide and blazing fire. She looks like a pissed off croc and I’m in her swamp. I barely have time to contemplate how wrong it is that I find her dishevelled, sweaty, angry appearance so fucking hot.
“Stop? I wish I could stop! You’ve made that impossible now! I keep having to run from you. I’ve spent most of my time avoiding everyone lately for one reason or other, and you just made it impossible for me to go back there! When I said talk to our friends, I didn’t mean blurt it out like that!”
“I didn’t blurt anything out. I wasn’t going to say anything like that. I was going to say that we were thinking about hanging out more. That we were interested in each other. I was going to try to explain.”
Her eyes well with tears, and even though I want to take her into my arms, wipe that moisture away, banish her fears and her pain, and kiss the doubt right out of her, I don’t move. I keep that four or five feet of distance between us because I know she needs it.
“Bryn literally just dropped the L-bomb in front of everyone!” she wails. “They all heard it! Jesus, Trell! The L word.”
“And then he also got a piece of cake slammed in his face. Don’t worry. No one is going to take him seriously.”
“Are you kidding me? They think he’s being an asshole for a reason. Bryn is never a dick unless he’s provoked. Now they’re going to know everything and there isn’t anything going on!”
“Isn’t there?” I want the words to come out confident, but I have to choke them out on a gasp. They pretty much drip with pain. When she doesn’t answer, I ask her again. “Isn’t there?”
“I don’t know!” Cozzie whips her head from side to side. “I don’t know, Trell! Nothing close to that. How could Bryn say something like that? It’s not true! He was just being spiteful for no reason. What he said, it’s not true.”
It’s true what they say, about silence speaking volumes. I don’t say anything and Cozzie’s eyes get even wider. They look like they’re actually in danger of popping right out of the sockets.
“No,” she breathes, horror strangling her words. “That can’t be true.”
“It is. It is true. I was honest with Bryn. I told him how I felt about you. I’ve felt it since I met you, but he wanted you and you wanted him, so I pushed him into asking you out when really, it was everything I wanted. You were everything I wanted. All these years, it’s been you. I’ve moved on and made myself a life, but there was never anyone else who mattered. I tried, Coz. I seriously tried. I tried not to be pathetic. I would have kept trying until I was old and shrivelled up. If you were madly in love with Bryn and happy, I would have been happy too, in my own way. They say it only takes a few weeks to develop a habit. I spent years learning how to let you be, to be happy for you, and be okay on my own I was. Seriously. I never wanted you and Bryn to fail. Ever. You have to believe that.”
“I don’t know what to believe!” Cozzie stamps her foot and she wraps her arms around herself, trying to protect herself. From me. “You can’t just drop that on me! You can’t put that out there and expect me to be okay with that! What is wrong with you? You can’t love me. You…I don’t feel the same way.” Cozzie inhales sharply. Her arms tighten around herself, bracing herself.
“Of course you don’t.” I can tell that she’s in pain, and yet she’s still trying hard not to hurt me. She’s floundering, and it’s all because of me. Okay, maybe because of Bryn too, but I never should have been so honest with him. I didn’t think he’d sabotage me like that in front of all of our friends, but I guess I underestimated him. “Of course you don’t,” I say again, just so she hears me. “I’m not asking for a hundred percent right away. I’m not asking you to ever love me if it’s not right. I feel how I feel and I can’t change that. I never could. That isn’t your fault and I wish you wouldn’t have found out like that because I know it’s scaring the shit out of you. Please, Coz, that’s not what I want. I don’t need you to reciprocate. Not now. I’m just asking for a chance here. Just a straw, since that’s what I’m clearly grasping at.”
The last part comes out like a croak and I thread my fingers through my hair, pulling on it until my scalp is on fire and that pain grounds me. My mouth is so dry that I can barely swallow, let alone put anything else out there. We stand in silence, Cozzie’s face a wreck of pain, fear, confusion, and devastation. I put all of that there and I hate myself for it.
“That kiss,” she breathes. It’s the last thing I expect her to say. She slams a hand up to her lips. “That kiss…it wasn’t pity.”
“No. No, it wasn’t pity.” It was everything.
Her eyes glisten with unshed tears. “You’re like a flood, ready to sweep me away. I can’t keep up, Trell. It would be so much easier if you’d never felt that way. I can’t imagine how tortured you’ve been all these years. How hard it was for you…”
Of course her whole world is imploding and she’s worried about me. I groan because I can’t stop myself. I feel like I’ve been punctured full of holes and everything I’ve kept bottled up and hidden, all my secrets, are leaking out all over the place, ugly and transparent between us.
“It wasn’t that bad. At first it was, but then I just got used to looking out for you and loving you at a distance. You were happy and that made me feel better. I have a good life, Coz. You didn’t wreck me.” You actually created me. You’re my goddamn muse.
Cozzie stands there, taking me in for a few long, hard minutes. I let her. I let her do what she needs to do. I wait for her to scream and yell at me, even though I know that’s not her style. To tell me to get the hell out of her life. To tell me she never wants to see me again. The words don’t come.
Instead, she takes a step closer, her eyes burning with those unshed tears and so much emotion that it makes my knees weak. I keep myself upright, but just barely. She puts her palm on my shirt. I had a sweater somewhere, back at Jake and Arla’s, but it’s just me and my t-shirt and jeans and my wrecked heart, naked and bloody on my sleeve.
Her touch burns me through the cotton and I wi
nce at the same time she does. She blinks up at me.
“You told Bryn. You told everyone else.” She blinks again and those tears track down her dark cheeks in twin crystal rivers. “It’s out there now. The truth is, I’ve been dead inside for a long time. I don’t even know how many years. There hasn’t been anything. Nothing. And then there was you. And now there’s not nothing. You make me feel things I’m not sure I want to feel.”
I bend my head so that our lips are just a whisper away. I’m still not touching her. She’s touching me. She’s the one connecting us, her palm above my wildly beating heart. My entire body is soaked in sweat from running after her, but I feel sticky and hot, like I’m going to pass out, like I can’t breathe. My pulse hammers all over the place, and black spots dance in front of my eyes.
“You should want to feel. You deserve to feel. You deserve everything, Cozzie. You deserve to be happy, but for you. Not anyone else. If you want me to take a step back, I will. You want me to leave you alone, I’ll do that too. I’ll fix everything. All of this. I’ll tell them it’s true and that you don’t want to be part of it and they can laugh at me if they want and they’ll all get over it and move on. It’s on me. I’m okay with that. I just want you to be okay.”
Cozzie blinks. More tears spill and track down her cheeks. My heart twists up inside my chest. Is this what it feels like to die inside? I’m pretty sure that all the times I’ve wondered that before pale in comparison to the agony going on in my chest at the moment.
“I want to be okay too,” she says raggedly. “I don’t want to be too scared to be me again. So if you can kiss me like before, like you don’t pity me, that’s how I want to start.”
My knees nearly give out. “So you don’t want me to leave.”
Cozzie’s lips curl into a fragile smile. “N-no.”
A bead of sweat rolls from my temple down the side of my face. I think it’s from the massive chase I just went on, but it’s likely also brought on by the explosion that just detonated in my insides.
Falling in Love With My Ex’s Best Page 7