by Emma Couette
“Yeah,” I reply. “Hey, I bet you’ll find someone soon, unless there’s already somebody you fancy?”
Her dark cheeks lose their colour. “No, not really,” she says.
“Liar!” I exclaim with a laugh. “I saw your face. You almost went white. There’s something you’re not telling me. Who is it?”
She sighs. “I paled because I hate getting flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember. There was someone once, Night, but he’s gone now. I don’t think I want to love again. I don’t think I trust myself to do the right thing this time.”
She’s dead serious. Bitterness, fear, and regret coat her words, and I know I shouldn’t push her any further, but I just got an idea. I think I might know why she hates Natalie.
“Blake,” I say softly, “what happened between you and Natalie... Did she break your relationship apart?”
Blake laughs. “Hardly,” she snorts. “She’s been infatuated with Jax since any of us can remember.” Her eyes grow even darker than usual. “No,” she sighs, her whole body seeming to heave with the motion. “The story is much more tragic than that.”
In that moment, she sounds so much older than I am, so much wiser, as if she’s seen and done things I couldn’t begin to imagine. It’s the first time I notice the age difference between us. Even though it’s only a year, it seems like dozens.
“I’m sure there is nothing you can say that will scare me off,” I tell her. “You don’t have to share with me right now, if you don’t want to, but I’m here for you regardless.”
She gives me a grim smile. “Thank you, but I think...” She pauses, eyes tight. I can feel her pain from here, can feel the tension in her bones like a live wire. Her hand reaches up to clutch her braid. “I think you of all people should know, if...if you are to continue being my friend. You have been honest with me about your past and I have kept secrets.”
I put a hand on her arm, but she doesn’t react. It’s like I’m not there. “You had no reason to trust me in the beginning, Blake, and if I told you everything from my past, you’d probably be physically ill. Some things are better left alone, but if you want to tell me now, I’m listening.”
“It was two years ago,” she says finally. “I was seventeen and...” She takes a deep breath.
I smile to encourage her.
“I was pregnant, Night,” she says, “pregnant and happy.”
I can barely hold back my shock. This is not at all what I expected.
Blake was pregnant? Who was the father? What happened to the child?
I’m still reeling when Blake goes on.
“I was with the love of my life,” she says with a tight smile, “or so I thought at the time. I’m not going to mention his name. We had made a mistake, but he said he would marry me and we’d be a family and everything would be okay, but then... A month before our child was due, he left me. He said he couldn’t take that kind of commitment, didn’t know how to be a father. The baby... She didn’t make it. I wanted her so bad, and I wanted him to want the both of us.” She stops, silent tears streaming down her face.
I put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m so sorry. You don’t... You don’t have to continue.”
“I do. I need to finish the story.”
“Okay.” I understand; the same way I needed to tell Jax about how my mother died. Some stories can’t be left untold once you start or else they hang about the corners of your mind, waiting to pounce on you.
“I broke a couple of days after I lost my daughter,” Blake goes on. “I shattered, completely lost my senses. I rushed to my ex’s room as soon as I was physically able and broke down the door with my axe. We fought brutally with words and weapons, and the next thing I knew, he had a knife in his gut and I was covered in his blood. I killed him, Night, and when I turned around, Natalie was standing in the doorway. She saw it all, but she kept her mouth shut and has dragged me around on a leash ever since.
“My guilt was punishment enough. Even after what he put me through, he was still my first love and I couldn’t believe he was gone, couldn’t believe I had taken his life from him. It was not up to me to pass judgment, but I got away with my horrific deed. His murder was blamed on a rogue assassin who had escaped our dungeons. I didn’t talk to anyone for a month and it took Jax and Bast several more to coax me back into going on missions and eating lunch with them again.”
We don’t talk for a minute. We just stand there. Her heart is pouring out and I’m breathing in her pain. No wonder she was reluctant to let me in at first.
“Do...” I start softly after a while. “Do the boys know?”
“That I killed him or that I was pregnant?”
“Both.”
“Natalie is the only one who knows about the murder,” she replies. “Everyone in the base knows about the pregnancy, but I chose to forget and everyone honours that, especially Jax and Bast.”
“So you pretend it never happened?”
“For the most part,” she says. “For me, it never disappears. Sometimes, like today, the pain hits me like a fresh stab to the heart.” She sighs. “I was going to be a mother, Night. I felt her growing inside me like a ball of fire for nine months and then the light was extinguished, as easily as someone blowing out a candle.”
“What happened to her?” I ask.
“She was sick, born with a rare disease whose cure has been lost during the wars. The nurses tried their best to save her, but in the end, it was no use. She died in my arms...” A single tear runs down her cheek, but she takes a deep breath and stands up straighter. “But that was a long time ago and crying won’t bring her back; nothing will. There’s no use bemoaning what happened. You have to move on.”
I understand now her fondness for those children my first morning here and why her eyes had been so sad to let them go. They were a glimpse of what she could’ve had, what she still wants by the sound of it.
She looks at me then, as if remembering I’m there. “Sorry I piled that on you right before your party and everything,” she says. “You must be feeling pretty depressed now.”
“It’s okay,” I tell her. “I understand the need to get things off your chest.”
“Thank you, Night,” she says, smiling, “you’re a true friend, you know that, right?”
It’s strange to hear someone say it. It’s even stranger to believe it. “I’ll be there for you whenever you need me and if Natalie ever tries...anything, I’ll knock her down a few pegs. Perhaps a few legs.”
Blake laughs. “Now that I’d like to see, but we better get going or we’ll be late.” She heads over to the door, wiping her eyes with her hand.
“Fine,” I sigh, hobbling after her. “I’ll deal with her highness later. Oh, and for the record, Blake?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you’re going to get that happy ending you dreamed about, you just don’t know it yet.”
She smiles at me, fresh tears glistening in her eyes and says, “Thank you.”
We take each other’s elbow and walk arm in arm down the hall, supporting each other, and somehow I know she will always be a pillar in my life, holding me up.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
It’s chaos in the Den. People are everywhere, dancing, laughing, and singing to the music blasting from the speakers. I can’t hear myself think and I don’t see anyone I know. I hold tighter to Blake’s arm.
“Do you see the boys?” she asks me.
“No,” I reply, raising my voice to be heard over the music.
“We better have a look around then. They’re here somewhere.”
She drags me into the crowd, which would be hard enough to navigate without a leg brace strapped to my shin. I almost trip a couple of people who slur swears at me as I pass by.
“Looks like most people don't even know who this party is for,” I mutter.
Then Blake says, “There’s your man.” She points and I see him, lounging against the wall beside the door to the tattoo parlour. “I’ll get
you over there,” she goes on, “and then I’ll try to find Bast. Knowing him, he’s probably hanging out by the bar, horribly drunk already.”
I laugh. “Good luck with that.”
She rolls her eyes and parts the crowd for me. We close the distance between Jax and us, and when we’re about a metre away, he finally looks up and sees us. His eyes go wide and his mouth gapes open.
Blake laughs. “Well, would you look at that; you’ve rendered him speechless. Go on. You two enjoy yourselves. I’ll be around, and remember who gave you that outfit in the first place. Don’t forget to thank me later.” She lets go of my arm and disappears.
I gather up my courage, feeling suddenly shy, and walk the last few steps to Jax’s side.
He takes my hand in his, eyes still wide, drinking me in. “Silent,” he breathes, “you look...gorgeous.”
I blush. “You don’t look too shabby yourself.” It’s a bit of an understatement. With his black suit and pants, polished shoes, and sparkling blue eyes, he is the picture of beauty, but I don’t know how to tell him that.
“Thank you,” he says, smiling. “Where did you get that outfit?”
“Blake lent it to me. I’m supposed to remember that and thank her later.”
“Oh, I’ll be thanking her too,” he says, pulling me closer.
I lean into him, resting my head against his chest and breathing him in. He smells so good, like home.
His lips brush my ear as he whispers into it, “I love the shirt.”
I pull away from him a foot and say, “Behave yourself. We’re in a public setting,”
He laughs. “Relax. I’m just messing with you. Or am I?”
I roll my eyes. “You’re impossible.”
He grins. “I know, it’s part of my charm.”
I try to scowl at him, but end up smiling. Now that I’ve let my guard down, he’s just so damn impossible to stay mad at.
I sigh. “What exactly do you want from me?” It’s an innocent question.
“How about this dance?” he replies, holding out a hand.
I look at him. “You can’t be serious.”
“Deadly.”
“But my leg...”
“I have a solution for that, just say yes.”
After a moment's hesitation, I place my hand in his. “I trust you,” I say.
“Good, then you might want to hold on.”
“What—” I start, but then his hands are around my waist and he’s lifting me. I’m so surprised that I forget the rest of my words.
He sets me down after a second, placing my feet on his. “There,” he says, “perfect.” He takes one of my hands in his and drapes the other over his shoulder; his other hand stays around my waist.
He starts swaying side to side, moving around in slow circles. I smile and close my eyes, content to stay in this moment forever.
“This isn’t so bad, eh?” he says after a minute.
I open my eyes and reply, “Not at all.” I lay my head against his shoulder as we continue to sway, totally out of sync with the horrid rap music that’s beating out its disjointed rhythm, but we couldn’t care less.
He rests his head on mine. “I love you,” he whispers. A shiver runs down my spine and my heart stutters.
I should’ve seen this coming, but I didn’t think it would be this soon.
Is it real?
Does he know what he’s saying?
Love is a very weighty word to be throwing around.
“I...” I try, but I’m not sure what to say.
“Hey,” he says, pulling back to look at me. “It’s okay. It’s okay if you’re not ready to say it back. This relationship got off to a rough start and I’m not going to force you into something you’re not ready for, but I love you and that’s the truth. I’ll wait until you’re ready to say it back, however long it takes, even if it’s never. I’m not going to rush you; I’d wait forever for you.”
Something wet drips down my cheek. I try to wipe it away before Jax sees, but he takes one look at me and says, “Are you crying?”
“No,” I snap as another tear trickles down my face, “don’t be ridiculous.”
He reaches out and wipes the tear away with his thumb. “Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, I’m not upset. I’m…” I sniff and wipe at my own eyes, brushing his hand away. “You’re beautiful, you know that? No one has ever...treated me the way you do, as if I’m actually important, as if I’m special. You’ve shown me so much love, though I don’t know what I did to deserve it. I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you all you’ve given me, that I haven’t changed enough to be able to love you in the way you deserve.”
“Oh, Silent,” he says, looking into my eyes, “never think that. I fell in love with you, with all of you, and that means the assassin too. I love you for you and whatever you can give me is enough because it’s what’s real.”
I can’t stand it anymore. I close the inches between us and kiss him.
He kisses me back, slow and sensual, making me dizzy. His hands tangle in my hair and my fingers fist against his shirt, pulling him closer, always closer. I need him and, somehow, that doesn’t scare me anymore.
He pulls back long enough to plant kisses along the length of my jaw. I shiver and run a hand through his hair. He sighs and presses his lips against mine again.
We’re lost to the world until someone bumps into me from behind and Ajax staggers, struggling to grab hold of me before I fall. We break apart and Jax sets me on my feet as we face the perpetrator.
Somehow, I’m not surprised by who stands before us, nor does his condition alarm me.
Bast grins at us, leaning precariously to one side. He has a drink in one hand and the other hand in his pocket. “Hey there...guys,” he slurs. “You know, you should...get a room. There is such a...thing as too much...information. Watching you two suck face...is enough to make a guy...nauseous.”
I blush and look at my feet.
“You know what else makes a guy nauseous, Sebastian?” Jax asks.
Bast doesn’t even flinch at the use of his full name. “What, man?” he asks.
“Drinking too much,” Jax says. “Seriously, Seb, how many have you had?”
“Who’s counting?” Bast replies, grinning madly.
“Somebody should be,” Jax argues. “You look on the brink of passing out.”
“Where’s Blake?” I ask Bast. “She was going to find you.”
“The lovely lady with the...brown skin and chocolate hair? Yeah, I saw her, but she wouldn’t give me a kiss so I...” He sways. “I moved on.”
“You tried to kiss Blake?” I say.
“Don’t give it much thought, Silent,” Jax tells me. “He’s so past drunk I doubt he remembers our names.”
“Is this...what I looked like?”
“With you, it was scarier because I didn’t know what to expect. This is typical Bast, but someone should take him to his room. Do you mind if I...?”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t have to. It’s your party after all.”
I shrug. “As if anybody knows or cares. It’s just an excuse to get drunk and make out with people. I couldn’t care less if we come back or not, but I’m going wherever you’re going. Don’t leave me alone.”
“Never,” he says. “Are you okay to walk on your own though? I have to focus on supporting him.”
“Yeah, I got this.”
He walks over to Bast and slips his arm around him. Bast falls against him immediately, eyelids half-closed, still swaying.
“Come on, big guy,” Jax mutters, “let’s get you to your room so you can sleep it off.” And with that, he starts walking towards the exit, half-dragging Bast beside him.
When we reach Bast’s room, I wait in the hall while Jax heaves an already-asleep Bast into bed.
A few minutes later, Jax comes back out and leans against the wall beside me.
“Will he be horribly hung-over tomorro
w?” I ask.
“Not really,” Jax replies, “he has a tolerance for the stuff, which only makes him drink more. He rarely has to endure the consequences.”
I sigh. “I wish I could be so lucky.”
He laughs. “You know I wouldn’t let that happen, right?”
“Yeah, I know you’d take care of me.”
“Forever and always,” he replies.
I look over at him and smile.
He moves his arm closer to mine and our fingers brush together, instantly intertwining. He smiles at me. “So where were we when Bast so rudely interrupted us?”
I grin and step in front of him. “It looked something like this, if I recall correctly,” I say, wrapping my hands around his waist and pulling him closer.
“Right,” he replies and I can feel his heartbeat pick up through his shirt.
I smile wider. “Making you nervous, am I, Jax?”
“Not in the slightest,” he breathes.
“Liar,” I laugh. I kiss him quick on the forehead. “How about now?”
“No.”
I run a slow hand through his hair. “Now?”
He shivers. “No.”
My lips brush his ear. “What about now?” I whisper.
“Dammit, Silent,” he says. Then he turns his head and catches my lips with his.
Our hearts beat wildly as we kiss with fervour, never wanting to be separated. I want to melt into him, to become one, to...
I pull back long enough to say, “Bast said something about getting a room...”
I hear his intake of breath and feel his heart as it stutters before picking up again. He looks down at me. “Are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” I tell him.
Then, I let him see the desire in my eyes, how much I love him, even though I’m too afraid to say it.
His eyes sparkle with the same desire and he kisses me quick before saying, “Come on then.”
He grabs my hand and together we race through the dark halls, as fast as my leg will allow. We skid around corners and laugh when we accidentally run into a wall. He takes me to a part of the base I’ve never been to before and we stop in front of a blue door.