‘Really, dear, you must be careful about their cage door. You know what they’re like,’ Mother said plaintively. ‘Never mind, it was an accident. And I suppose they’re not really responsible if they’re drunk.’
On taking the bleary and incapable Magenpies back to their cage I discovered, as I had feared, that Alecko had seized the opportunity to escape as well. I put the Magenpies back in their compartment and gave them a good telling off; they had by now reached the belligerent stage, and attacked my shoe fiercely. Squabbling over who should have the honour of eating the lace, they then attacked each other. I left them flapping round in wild, disorderly circles, making ineffectual stabs with their beaks, and went in search of Alecko. I hunted through the garden and all over the house, but he was nowhere to be seen. I thought he must have flown down to the sea for a quick swim, and felt relieved that he was out of the way.
By this time the first of the guests had arrived, and were drinking on the veranda. I joined them, and was soon deep in a discussion with Theodore; while we were talking, I was surprised to see Leslie appear out of the olive groves, his gun under his arm, carrying a string bag full of snipe, and a large hare. I had forgotten that he had gone out shooting in the hope of getting some early woodcock.
‘Ah-ha!’ said Theodore with relish, as Leslie vaulted over the veranda rail and showed us his game bag. ‘Is that your own hare or is it… um… a wig?’
‘Theodore! You pinched that from Lamb!’said Larry accusingly.
‘Yes… er… um… I’m afraid I did. But it seemed such a good opportunity,’ explained Theodore contritely.
Leslie disappeared into the house to change, and Theodore and I resumed our conversation. Mother appeared and seated herself on the wall, Dodo at her feet. Her gracious-hostess act was somewhat marred by the fact that she kept breaking off her conversation to grimace fiercely and brandish a large stick at the panting group of dogs gathered in the front garden. Occasionally an irritable, snarling fight would flare up among Dodo’s boyfriends, and whenever this occurred the entire family would turn round and bellow ‘Shut up’ in menacing tones. This had the effect of making the more nervous of our guests spill their drinks. After every such interruption Mother would smile round brightly and endeavour to steer the conversation back to normal. She had just succeeded in doing this for the third time when all talk was abruptly frozen again by a bellow from inside the house. It sounded like the sort of cry the minotaur would have produced if suffering from toothache.
‘Whatever’s the matter with Leslie?’ asked Mother.
She was not left long in doubt, for he appeared on the veranda clad in nothing but a small towel.
‘Gerry,’ he roared, his face a deep red with rage. ‘Where’s that boy?’
‘Now, now, dear,’ said Mother soothingly, ‘whatever’s the matter?’
‘Snakes,’ snarled Leslie, making a wild gesture with his hands to indicate extreme length, and then hastily clutching at his slipping towel, ‘snakes, that’s what’s the matter.’
The effect on the guests was interesting. The ones that knew us were following the whole scene with avid interest; the uninitiated wondered if perhaps Leslie was a little touched, and were not sure whether to ignore the whole incident and go on talking, or to leap on him before he attacked someone.
‘What are you talking about, dear?’
‘That bloody boy’s filled the sodding bath full of bleeding snakes,’ said Leslie, making things quite clear.
‘Language, dear, language!’ said Mother automatically, adding absently, ‘I do wish you’d put some clothes on; you’ll catch a chill like that.’
‘Damn great things like hosepipes… It’s a wonder I wasn’t bitten.’
‘Never mind, dear, it’s really my fault. I told him to put them there,’ Mother apologized, and then added, feeling that the guests needed some explanation, ‘they were suffering from sunstroke, poor things.’
‘Really, Mother!’ exclaimed Larry, ‘I think that’s carrying things too far.’
‘Now don’t you start, dear,’ said Mother firmly; ‘it was Leslie who was bathing with the snakes.’
‘I don’t know why Larry always has to interfere,’ Margo remarked bitterly.
‘Interfere? I’m not interfering. When Mother conspires with Gerry in filling the bath with snakes I think it’s my duty to complain.’
‘Oh, shut up,’ said Leslie. ‘What I want to know is, when’s he going to remove the bloody things?’
‘I think you’re making a lot of fuss about nothing,’ said Margo.
‘If it has become necessary for us to perform our ablutions in a nest of hamadryads I shall be forced to move,’ Larry warned.
‘Am I going to get a bath or not?’ asked Leslie throatily.
‘Why can’t you take them out yourself ?’
‘Only Saint Francis of Assisi would feel really at home here…’
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake be quiet!’
‘I’ve got just as much right to air my views—’
‘I want a bath, that’s all. Surely it is not too much to ask—’
‘Now, now, dears, don’t quarrel,’ said Mother. ‘Gerry, you’d better go and take the snakes out of the bath. Put them in the basin or somewhere for the moment.’
‘No! They’ve got to go right outside!’
‘All right, dear; don’t shout.’
Eventually I borrowed a saucepan from the kitchen and put my water-snakes in that. They had, to my delight, recovered completely, and hissed vigorously when I removed them from the bath. On returning to the veranda I was in time to hear Larry holding forth at length to the assembled guests.
‘I assure you the house is a death-trap. Every conceivable nook and cranny is stuffed with malignant faunæ waiting to pounce. How I have escaped being maimed for life is beyond me. A simple, innocuous action like lighting a cigarette is fraught with danger. Even the sanctity of my bedroom is not respected. First, I was attacked by a scorpion, a hideous beast that dripped venom and babies all over the place. Then my room was torn asunder by magpies. Now we have snakes in the bath and huge flocks of albatrosses flapping round the house, making noises like defective plumbing.’
‘Larry, dear, you do exaggerate,’ said Mother, smiling vaguely at the guests.
‘My dear Mother, if anything I am understating the case. What about the night Quasimodo decided to sleep in my room?’
‘That wasn’t very dreadful, dear.’
‘Well,’ said Larry with dignity, ‘it may give you pleasure to be woken at half-past three in the morning by a pigeon who seems intent on pushing his rectum into your eye…’
‘Yes, well, we’ve talked quite enough about animals,’ said Mother hurriedly. ‘I think lunch is ready, so shall we all sit down?’
‘Well, anyway,’ said Larry as we moved down the veranda to the table, ‘that boy’s a menace… he’s got beasts in his belfry.’
The guests were shown their places, there was a loud scraping as chairs were drawn out, and then everyone sat down and smiled at each other. The next moment two of the guests uttered yells of agony and soared out of their seats, like rockets.
‘Oh, dear, now what’s happened?’ asked Mother in agitation.
‘It’s probably scorpions again,’ said Larry, vacating his seat hurriedly.
‘Something bit me… bit me in the leg!’
‘There you are!’ exclaimed Larry, looking round triumphantly. ‘ Exactly what I said! You’ll probably find a brace of bears there.’
The only one not frozen with horror at the thought of some hidden menace lurking round his feet was Theodore, and he gravely bent down, lifted the cloth, and poked his head under the table.
‘Ah-ha!’ he said interestedly, his voice muffled.
‘What is it?’ asked Mother.
Theodore reappeared from under the cloth. ‘It seems to be some sort of a… er… some sort of a bird. A large black-and-white one.’
‘It’s that albatross!’ said Lar
ry excitedly.
‘No, no,’ corrected Theodore; ‘it’s some species of gull, I think.’
‘Don’t move… keep quite still, unless you want your legs taken off at the knee!’ Larry informed the company.
As a statement calculated to quell alarm it left a lot to be desired. Everybody rose in a body and vacated the table.
From beneath the cloth Alecko gave a long, menacing yarp – whether in dismay at losing his victims or protest at the noise, it was difficult to say.
‘Gerry, catch that bird up immediately!’ commanded Larry from a safe distance.
‘Yes, dear,’ Mother agreed. ‘You’d better put him back in his cage. He can’t stay under there.’
I gently lifted the edge of the cloth, and Alecko, squatting regally under the table, surveyed me with angry yellow eyes. I stretched out a hand towards him, and he lifted his wings and clicked his beak savagely. He was obviously in no mood to be trifled with. I got a napkin and started to try to manœuvre it towards his beak.
‘Do you require any assistance, my dear boy?’ inquired Kralefsky, obviously feeling that his reputation as an ornithologist required him to make some sort of offer.
To his obvious relief I refused his help. I explained that Alecko was in a bad mood and would take a little while to catch.
‘Well, for heaven’s sake hurry up; the soup’s getting cold,’ snapped Larry irritably. ‘Can’t you tempt the brute with something? What do they eat?’
‘All the nice gulls love a sailor,’ observed Theodore with immense satisfaction.
‘Oh, Theodore, please!’ protested Larry, pained; ‘not in moments of crisis.’
‘By Jove! It does look savage!’ said Kralefsky as I struggled with Alecko.
‘It’s probably hungry,’ said Theodore happily, ‘and the sight of us sitting down to eat was gull and wormwood to it.’
‘Theodore!’
I succeeded at last in getting a grip on Alecko’s beak, and I hauled him screaming and flapping out from under the table. I was hot and dishevelled by the time I had pinioned his wings and carried him back to his cage. I left him there, screaming insults and threats at me, and went back to resume my interrupted lunch.
‘I remember a very dear friend of mine being molested by a large gull, once,’ remarked Kralefsky reminiscently, sipping his soup.
‘Really?’ said Larry. ‘I didn’t know they were such depraved birds.’
‘He was walking along the cliffs with a lady,’ Kralefsky went on without listening to Larry, ‘when the bird swooped out of the sky and attacked them. My friend told me he had the greatest difficulty in beating it off with his umbrella. Not an enviable experience, by Jove, eh?’
‘Extraordinary!’ said Larry.
‘What he should have done,’ Theodore pointed out gravely, ‘was to point his umbrella at it and shout, “Stand back or I’ll fire.” ’
‘Whatever for?’ inquired Kralefsky, very puzzled.
‘The gull would have believed him and flown away in terror,’ explained Theodore blandly.
‘But I don’t quite understand…’ began Kralefsky, frowning.
‘You see, they’re terribly gullible creatures,’ said Theodore in triumph.
‘Honestly, Theodore, you’re like an ancient copy of Punch,’ groaned Larry.
The glasses clinked, knives and forks clattered, and the wine-bottles glugged as we progressed through the meal. Delicacy after delicacy made its appearance, and after the guests had shown their unanimous approval of each dish Mother would smile deprecatingly. Naturally, the conversation revolved around animals.
‘I remember when I was a child being sent to visit one of our numerous elderly and eccentric aunts. She had a bee fetish; she kept vast quantities of them; the garden was overflowing with hundreds of hives humming like telegraph poles. One afternoon she put on an enormous veil and a pair of gloves, locked us all in the cottage for safety, and went out to try to get some honey out of one of the hives. Apparently she didn’t stupefy them properly, or whatever it is you do, and when she took the lid off, a sort of waterspout of bees poured out and settled on her. We were watching all this through the window. We didn’t know much about bees, so we thought this was the correct procedure, until we saw her flying round the garden making desperate attempts to evade the bees, getting her veil tangled up in the rose bushes. Eventually she reached the cottage and flung herself at the door. We couldn’t open it because she had the key. We kept trying to impress this on her, but her screams of agony and the humming of the bees drowned our voices. It was, I believe, Leslie who had the brilliant idea of throwing a bucket of water over her from the bedroom window. Unfortunately in his enthusiasm he threw the bucket as well. To be drenched with cold water and then hit on the head with a large galvanized-iron bucket is irritating enough, but to have to fight off a mass of bees at the same time makes the whole thing extremely trying. When we eventually got her inside she was so swollen as to be almost unrecognizable.’ Larry paused in his story and sighed sorrowfully.
‘Dreadful, by Jove,’ exclaimed Kralefsky, his eyes wide. ‘She might have been killed.’
‘Yes, she might,’ agreed Larry. ‘As it was, it completely ruined my holiday.’
‘Did she recover?’ asked Kralefsky. It was obvious that he was planning a thrilling Infuriated Bee Adventure that he could have with his lady.
‘Oh, yes, after a few weeks in hospital,’ Larry replied carelessly. ‘It didn’t seem to put her off bees though. Shortly afterwards a whole flock of them swarmed in the chimney, and in trying to smoke them out she set fire to the cottage. By the time the fire brigade arrived the place was a mere charred shell, surrounded by bees.’
‘Dreadful, dreadful,’ murmured Kralefsky.
Theodore, meticulously buttering a piece of bread, gave a tiny grunt of amusement. He popped the bread into his mouth, chewed it stolidly for a minute or so, swallowed, and wiped his beard carefully on his napkin.
‘Talking of fires,’ he began, his eyes alight with impish humour, ‘did I tell you about the time the Corfu Fire Brigade was modernized? It seems that the chief of the fire service had been to Athens and had been greatly… er… impressed by the new fire-fighting equipment there. He felt it was high time that Corfu got rid of its horse-drawn fire engine and should obtain a new one… um… preferably a nice, shiny red one. There were several other improvements he had thought of as well. He came back here alight with… um… with enthusiasm. The first thing he did was to cut a round hole in the ceiling of the fire station, so that the firemen could slide down a pole in the correct manner. It appears that in his haste to become modernized he forgot the pole, and so the first time they had a practice two of the firemen broke their legs.’
‘No, Theodore, I refuse to believe that. It couldn’t be true.’
‘No, no, I assure you it’s perfectly true. They brought the men to my laboratory to be x-rayed. Apparently what had happened was that the chief had not explained to the men about the pole, and they thought they had to jump down the hole. That was only the beginning. At quite considerable cost an extremely… er… large fire engine was purchased. The chief insisted on the biggest and best. Unfortunately it was so big that there was only one way they could drive it through the town – you know how narrow most of the streets are. Quite often you would see it rushing along, its bell clanging like mad, in the opposite direction to the fire. Once outside the town, where the roads are somewhat… er… broader, they could cut round to the fire. The most curious thing, I thought, was the business about the very modern fire alarm the chief had sent for: you know, it was one of those ones where you break the glass and there is a little sort of… um… telephone inside. Well, there was great argument as to where they should put this. The chief told me that it was a very difficult thing to decide, as they were not sure where the fires were going to break out. So, in order to avoid any confusion, they fixed the fire alarm on the door of the fire station.’
Theodore paused, rasped his beard w
ith his thumb, and took a sip of wine.
‘They had hardly got things organized before they had their first fire. Fortunately I happened to be in the vicinity and could watch the whole thing. The place was a garage, and the flames had got a pretty good hold before the owner had managed to run to the fire station and break the glass on the fire alarm. Then there were angry words exchanged, it seems, because the chief was annoyed at having his fire alarm broken so soon. He told the man that he should have knocked on the door; the fire alarm was brand new, and it would take weeks to replace the glass. Eventually the fire engine was wheeled out into the street and the firemen assembled. The chief made a short speech, urging each man to do his… um… duty. Then they took their places. There was a bit of a fuss about who should have the honour of ringing the bell, but eventually the chief did the job himself. I must say that when the engine did arrive it looked very impressive. They all leaped off and bustled about, and looked very efficient. They uncoiled a very large hose, and then a fresh hitch became apparent. No one could find the key which was needed to unlock the back of the engine so that the hose could be attached. The chief said he had given it to Yani, but it was Yani’s night off, it seems. After a lot of argument someone was sent running to Yani’s house, which was… er… fortunately, not too far away. While they were waiting, the firemen admired the blaze, which by now was quite considerable. The man came back and said that Yani was not at his house, but his wife said he had gone to the fire. A search through the crowd was made and to the chief ’s indignation they found Yani among the onlookers, the key in his pocket. The chief was very angry, and pointed out that it was this sort of thing that created a bad impression. They got the back of the engine open, attached the hose, and turned on the water. By that time, of course, there was hardly any garage left to… er… put out.’
My Family and Other Animals Page 29