by Gemma Rogers
‘I remember what I wanted to ask you, Debbie. Could you do me a massive favour?’
‘Of course,’ Debbie said, flushing with pride.
‘The camera you’ve got for Molly, I want to get one for Doug when he comes home. Did you say it was from eBay?’
‘Yes, the PetCam, oh, they are good.’
‘I don’t have an eBay account, I’m rubbish at that sort of thing. If I give you the money, would you order me the same one?’ I lied, taking out my purse and retrieving some notes.
‘Of course, it’s twenty-five pounds I think, but I’ll order it and you can pay me when it comes.’
‘If you’re sure? I’d really appreciate it,’ I said, smiling at Debbie.
‘Absolutely.’
We talked some more about various pet shows and festivals that were good to go to. She’d taken Molly to Paws in the Park in Ardingly earlier this year, suggesting next year we could go together. Our plates had been clear for a while, the bill paid for by Debbie this time, and we were just finishing our drinks. She was complaining about her husband, Darren, failing to help around the house, when she absent-mindedly tapped her phone, the time flashing up on screen.
‘Oh god, I better go. I’ve had over my hour. It’s been lovely to see you. I’ll text you when the camera arrives, and we’ll meet for lunch again. Good luck with the new job.’
‘Thanks for lunch. Take care and I’ll see you soon.’
Debbie squashed her enormous boobs against the side of my face in an attempt at a hug, as I patted her back awkwardly. Then she left the café and wobbled up the street towards the office on her high heels before disappearing around the corner. My face ached from all the smiling.
Susie made me another coffee and I ordered a Belgian bun, devouring every crumb as I sat at the back, googling crime statistics for Sutton. It occurred to me, over lunch, that I still didn’t know if the blonde girl had reported Ian to the police. Just how many attacks, attempted or otherwise, had there been? The statistics weren’t helpful, just numbers from last year, nothing for 2017 yet. I tried the local newspaper instead.
My own attack had filled the second page, a piece with a picture of the entrance to Grove Park. Thankfully my name wasn’t mentioned, only my age. The report began ‘a twenty-five year old woman was raped in Grove Park in broad daylight at approximately 8 30 a.m. on Sunday 24 September 2017. The attacker, unknown to the victim, was described as around 5’7”, white, stocky and aged between twenty and thirty years old. He is still currently at large. Detective Sergeant Emmerson of the Metropolitan Police said: “I would like to reassure the public that we are doing everything we can to trace and arrest this man. We believe him to be dangerous and we are appealing to the public to come forward with any information they may have.”’
It felt strange reading about an event that I’d experienced, written with so little emotion, just the facts. I carried on scrolling, then ran a search for ‘assault’ on the newspaper’s website. There were plenty of bar brawls and closing time punch-ups but nothing from the end of October. I searched further back, looking at the summer months. A sexual assault on a teenager in an alleyway, in July, after a night out looked like it could be one of his. There was also another attempted attack in June. A lone-women walking home after visiting her friends in the early evening. That one was in daylight, but her attacker had fled the scene after she screamed. Looking at the locations, they were all nearby. I had no idea how long Ian had been stalking the streets of Sutton, but now I was convinced I wasn’t the first.
28
Wednesday 22 November 2017
By the middle of the third week, Ian’s routine had become clear. He visited the gym most Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, always a variation on the same exercise plan. Generally starting with the treadmill, he would run for thirty minutes, then row for twenty, followed by some free weights. It appeared, from watching him interact, that he was friendly with other members. It didn’t seem like he treated women any differently from men. On the face of it he looked like a gentleman. I’d seen him open the door to allow them through first and witnessed him let Laura ahead of him in the queue for the water. He seemed to know Ahmed well and often chatted to some of the other regulars. I had built up to smiling at everyone with the occasional hello but hadn’t spoken to him yet. My social skills were lacking.
Interaction with strangers didn’t come easily to me. Trying to interact with the man that had brutalised me was even harder. I used my time to watch his every move, study his face, his mannerisms and expressions. I strained to hear conversations he was part of. On the surface he looked and acted like a regular guy which I found hard to rationalise. Ian was confident but from a distance he seemed smug to me, although no one else appeared to notice.
It was Wednesday when Ian said hello for the first time as we passed each other. Perhaps as a result of my skimpier gym clothes? I had been shopping in the morning, after having my roots done, my scalp now baby pink, and invested in a skin-tight black vest and some bright orange shorts. They were so short, they could have passed for hot pants. Three weeks of reconnaissance and I knew I had to up my game. The new outfit seemed to have worked. Pushing myself to keep moving when he spoke, my body stalled, and I was rooted to the spot. I mumbled hello back and blushed.
To an outsider it would have looked as though I had a crush but having to mask the revulsion was challenging. I could feel my throat closing, not wanting to breathe the same air as him. It hit me then that he was my rapist, without a doubt. It was the closest I’d been to him face to face. There was no mistaking his eyes. They were like no other. Desolate and detached, just a void. Grateful for the contact lenses and hair to mask who I was. I toyed with the idea of abandoning the plan altogether, but he was a predator, stalking women and subjecting them to disgusting acts of sexual violence. He’d degraded me in the worse possible way and I hated him so much my insides burned with it.
How many other women had he attacked whilst I’d been getting closer to him at the gym? The blonde woman hadn’t reported hers, or if she had it wasn’t in the papers. I squeezed my jaw tight, my entire body reacting to his presence. Being in the same room as Ian was just about tolerable. Up close he made my temperature spike, anger mixed with fear. I made sure I left the gym whilst he was still mid-workout, it was no different to any other day, but I felt spooked.
Detective Emmerson hadn’t been in touch, but that wasn’t a surprise. I guessed she had no news to give me. I wished I could reach out to the blonde girl in the alleyway, offer her comfort and support. I was doing this for her, for me and all the others whose lives had been ruined.
Thursday 23 November 2017
The following day when I saw Ian at the gym, I approached him. He was by the water fountain, waiting for the weights to become free, so I went to fill my bottle. I nodded and said hello, briefly locking eyes before concentrating on filling my bottle. I hoped he would open a line of conversation. The tap ran slow. Seconds passed and an awkward silence filled the space. Was he not attracted to women in real life scenarios?
‘They need more weights in here.’ He sighed but showed no sign of irritation.
I swallowed hard, I could do this. All I had to do was open my mouth and reply. My hands trembled, and I concentrated hard to ensure the twitch in my leg wasn’t obvious.
‘Yeah.’
Great job, Eve.
I tried again. My tongue feeling too large for my mouth. ‘Maybe Ahmed could get rid of some of the mats and put more weights there. I only see them being used by Yoga girl.’
He chuckled whilst I berated myself for inventing a new superhero.
‘Good idea. I mean, who stretches to that extent anyway?’ He winked at me and my stomach dropped.
‘I guess it depends who’s watching.’ It was out before I could stop it, but he laughed. I could do sarcasm, I used it daily anyway and he seemed to like it.
‘I think you might be right. I’m Ian.’ He wiped his hand on his towel a
nd held it out for me to shake. I hesitated for a second longer than I should have. I didn’t want him to touch me ever again, but if I couldn’t bear it, this plan wouldn’t work. With gritted teeth hidden behind my smile, I gripped his hand and shook it firmly; not one of those limp handshakes. Those made me want to wash my hands afterwards. Although, I always wanted to wash after any human contact. After his handshake I wanted to bleach the skin off.
‘Eve,’ I replied. His eyes fixed on mine and I hoped he couldn’t see the edges of my lenses. We stood for a couple of seconds trying to read each other. I held my breath, ready to be exposed at any moment. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Perhaps we were both dead behind the eyes?
‘Pleased to meet you,’ he said, and nodded towards a vacant weights machine. ‘I best grab that while it’s free.’
I nodded, and he walked away. Contact was made, and I’d survived.
I left for the showers shortly after; turning the water as hot as I could bear. I scrubbed my skin, especially my palm, but it still felt dirty. I was sure that would be the way of things from now on.
I met Debbie for dinner after leaving the gym. Relieved to take my mind off Ian’s handshake. I was feeling braver when out in the dark, now I knew who to watch out for. The nights were really coming in and by four o’clock the sun had set. I was arriving at the gym in darkness and leaving the same way. Always with my rape alarm to hand; I never went anywhere without it. The shops were filled with all things Christmas and the tapas restaurant Debbie and I dined at even had their decorations up. A twinkling tree stood in the window.
‘It’s a bit early for all that, isn’t it?’ I grumbled. I hadn’t been to the restaurant before. Debbie had frequented it with her husband and said the food was delicious. We ordered three different dishes each and dived in, trying everything. I passed on the squid when Debbie lifted the plate to offer me some, the smell making me baulk.
‘I brought the camera.’ She passed a carrier bag across the table and I had a quick peek inside. The box was small and felt light, exactly what I wanted.
‘Thanks so much for doing that for me.’ I handed over the cash, gushing of how I couldn’t wait to see Doug the pug wandering around the house when I was out. Inside the bag, she’d included a copy of the order, so I could see how much it was. It was a sweet gesture, but I didn’t believe for a second that she would rip me off.
My redundancy had been paid, although most of it had been swallowed up repaying the debt and this month’s bills. Ben had insisted on helping and paying a little more in rent, knowing I was taking a pay cut to work for Jason. I was touched by his generosity, but he was adamant I wasn’t charging enough anyway and waved away my squirming. It was wonderful to be finally free. I cut up all but one credit card, only to be used in emergencies, which I gave to Ben to keep so I couldn’t be tempted to use it.
As Debbie dominated the conversation with gossip from the people I used to work with, I could see she was faking her confidence, as did I. She used her bubbly personality to hide behind. We agreed to meet again in a few weeks. We were an unlikely pair, but I couldn’t help but find her endearing.
At home, Ben and I were teetering on the edge of a platonic relationship. Some of our exchanges were fun and relaxed, but as soon as there was any intimacy; or conversation that strayed into awkward territory, a wall shot up between us. We’d been to the cinema the weekend just gone and had an uncomfortable brushing of hands as we shared an enormous tub of popcorn. The fact it was dark didn’t help and the action film we’d chosen to see had a frantic sex scene in the middle, unbeknown to either of us. I could sense Ben cringing in his seat as I slid lower into mine, glad the darkness hid my rosy cheeks. I wasn’t sure if he’d been out much with Amy. He didn’t mention her, and I didn’t pry. There’d been no sign of her at the flat. Not when I was there anyway.
He did ask why I hadn’t been to the boxing club and what prompted my move to a new gym. I could tell he was convinced something was going on between Jason and me even though I assured him there wasn’t. Once I’d finished with Ian, I would be free. Then I could see what developed with Ben. If he was interested of course, but by then I wasn’t sure he would be available.
29
Sunday 28 January 2018
‘Did he invite you back to his apartment?’ Detective Hicks asks.
‘Yes, once we finished dinner, he invited me back for a drink.’
‘How did you get there?’
‘We walked. As I said before, it’s so close it’s not worth getting a taxi,’ I reply. My stomach rumbles but I ignore it.
‘Can you talk us through what happened last night from when you arrived at Ian’s apartment?’
I open my mouth to speak but Becker interrupts me.
‘This was around eleven, right?’
I nod and Becker notes down the time. Her jaw is clenched as though she’s stifling a yawn.
‘We got there, and Ian put some music on before he went into the kitchen to make drinks. We were talking about what movie to put on.’
‘Did you follow him in to the kitchen?’
‘Yes. Well, I stood in the doorway. Ian was putting everything on a tray to bring back into the lounge. He wanted us to have gin and tonic. That’s why the knife was there, he used it to slice the lemon.’
‘He sliced the lemon?’ Hicks confirms.
‘Yes,’ I sigh.
‘Okay, please continue,’ Becker says.
‘I sat on the sofa and he put the tray on the coffee table. He knelt on the carpet, sliced the lemon and poured our drinks. He sat on the opposite sofa and was flicking through the Sky box for what to put on.’
‘What happened next?’ Hicks’s eyes drill into mine, trying to ascertain if I am telling the truth. I have no reason to worry.
‘I got up to use the bathroom. I was feeling a little tipsy and I wanted a moment to gather myself. When I got back, Ian had moved onto the sofa I had been sitting on and was holding my drink out towards me.’
‘Why do you think that was?’ Becker asks.
‘I don’t know. It tasted funny, but I didn’t say anything, I just took a sip and held my glass in my lap. He drank his quickly and wanted me to keep up. Something didn’t feel right.’
‘How did Ian seem?’
‘Weird, hyper maybe. He was agitated.’
‘And what did you do?’
‘I had another sip of my drink, to be polite more than anything, then I told Ian I wasn’t feeling well and was going to call a taxi. He said he would do it and took his mobile into the kitchen, but I don’t think he called anyone. When he came back, he was pushing me to finish my drink and snapped at me when I refused.’
‘What did he say?’
‘He said I was no fun. I stood to leave, but he pulled me back onto the sofa. I tried to push him off me, but he was too strong.’ Tears come thick and fast, no acting required. I will never forget last night as long as I live.
‘Do you want to take a break?’ Hicks asks, his face full of concern. It isn’t something I’ve seen from him so far and it takes me by surprise.
‘No. I don’t want to have to keep reliving it over and over.’
They remain quiet while I blow my nose, waiting for me to continue. I have their full attention now.
30
Friday 8 December 2017
I was so focused on Ian, I’d forgotten Christmas was fast approaching. Without the obligatory office party to remind me – Debbie had said they were having a low-key do in Kingston and not even partners were invited – it had passed me by. It was Mum that reminded me, she mentioned it on the phone. She’d rung to tell me she would be posting my Christmas present as a neighbour had invited her for dinner, unless I wanted to join them? I couldn’t think of anything worse.
I didn’t care much for the festive season and what I wanted I wasn’t going to find wrapped underneath a tree. At least I wouldn’t have to sit across the table from Mum, eating roast dinner out of a box, as she reminisced
about ‘happier times’ like last year. I politely declined her invitation and said I would see what Jane was doing. Jane, it turned out, was celebrating the festivities with Doctor Lush’s parents, whom she was meeting for the first time, at their home in Cobham. She’d used the ‘L’ word when referring to Graham on more than one occasion and I thought she might blow off travelling because she couldn’t leave him behind. It looked like it would be Christmas for one here at the flat, not that I was really bothered. It was only one day after all.
With Christmas now on my radar, I made the effort to go into town and buy Mum a gift I could send her. I found a mint green cashmere mix jumper from M&S which would keep her warm. Whilst perusing, I discovered a dark brown leather satchel for Ben to replace his scruffy rucksack, which I hoped he’d like. More fitting for a man wanting to run his own security firm. I chanced upon some fluffy slippers in the shape of westies for Debbie but I couldn’t find anything for Jane. When I got home, I had a look on my laptop and ordered a beautiful silver personalised fob watch with her name engraved that could be fastened to her nurse’s uniform. I knew she’d love it.
Now that my notice period had ended, I had officially started work at the boxing club, focusing initially on a promotion to bring in business. I spent my days canvassing, promoting the club on social media and even managed to get a slot on the local radio station. The rate of sign-up had almost doubled each week and Jason was thrilled. I began work early in the morning, making sure the gym was manned from seven; lights and heating on, hot water ready, before tidying up from the evening before. I finished around two after Jason came in, so we could have a handover. It was early days, but I was enjoying it.
At five o’clock I headed to Pulse. Fridays were always busy, but I went regardless of whether I wanted to or not. The atmosphere today was jubilant, and everyone was chatty. Ahmed had put up some tinsel, which brightened the chrome and white décor, injecting a bit of colour. Ten minutes into my run on the treadmill, Ian got on beside me, his pace matching mine. There hadn’t been much progress since our initial hello, but I wasn’t giving up. We exchanged smiles, but then I focused on my run. The last thing I wanted to do was fall off the treadmill and make an idiot of myself. I finished before him and went to get a drink to cool off before embarking on the cross trainer. The air felt electric, like something was going to happen. I was right, Ian followed soon after and I tried my best to relax my shoulders as he approached.