I looked at Sieh, who was staring at Nahadoth with an unreadable expression on his too-old face. Both were gods more ancient than life on earth. I could not imagine such a length of existence. A day of pain was probably nothing to them but not to me.
Enough, I said softly. The word carried in the vaulted space of the arena. Viraine and Scimina both looked at me in surprise. Sieh, too, swung around to stare at me, puzzled. And Nahadothno. I could not look at him. He would think me weak for this.
Not weak, I reminded myself. Human. I am still that, at least.
Enough, I said again, lifting my head with what remained of my pride. Stop this. Ill tell you whatever you want to know.
Yeine, said Sieh, sounding shocked.
Scimina smirked. Even if you werent the sacrifice, Cousin, you could never have been Grandfathers heir.
I glared at her. I will take that as a compliment, Cousin, if you are the example I should follow.
Sciminas face tightened, and for a moment I thought she would spit at me. Instead she turned away and resumed circling Nahadoth, though slower now. Which member of the alliance did you approach?
Minister Gemd, of Menchey.
Gemd? Scimina frowned at this. How did you persuade him? He was more eager for the chance than all the others.
I took a deep breath. I brought Nahadoth with me. His persuasive powers are formidable, as Im sure you know.
Scimina barked a laughbut her gaze was thoughtful as she glanced at me, then at him. Nahadoth gazed into the middle distance, as he had since kneeling. He might have been contemplating matters beyond human reckoning, or the dyes in Tvrils pants.
Interesting, Scimina said. Since Im certain Grandfather would not have commanded the Enefadeh to do this for you, that means our Nightlord decided to help you on his own. How on earth did you manage that?
I shrugged, though abruptly I felt anything but relaxed. Stupid, stupid. I should have realized the danger in this line of questioning. He seemed to find it amusing. There were several deaths. I tried to look uneasy and found that it was not difficult. I had not intended those, but they were effective.
I see. Scimina stopped, folding her arms and tapping her fingers. I did not like the look in her eyes, even though it was directed at Nahadoth. And what else did you do?
I frowned. Else?
We keep a tight leash on the Enefadeh, Cousin, and Nahadoths is tightest of all. When he leaves the palace, Viraine knows of it. And Viraine tells me he left twice, on two separate nights.
Demons. Why in the Fathers name hadnt the Enefadeh told me? Damned secret keepingI went to Darr, to see my grandmother.
For what purpose?
To understand why my mother sold me to the Enefadeh
I jerked my thoughts off that path and folded my arms. Because I missed her. Not that you would understand something like that.
She turned to gaze at me, a slow, lazy smile playing about her lips, and I suddenly realized I had made a mistake. But what? Had my insult bothered her that much? No, it was something else.
You did not risk your sanity traveling with the Nightlord just to exchange pleasantries with some old hag, Scimina said. Tell me why you really went there.
To confirm the war petition and the alliance against Darr.
And? Thats all?
I thought fast, but not fast enough. Or perhaps it was my unnerved expression that alerted her, because she tsked at me. Youre keeping secrets, Cousin. And I mean to have them. Viraine!
Viraine sighed and faced Nahadoth. An odd look, almost pensive, passed over his face. This would not have been my choice, he said softly.
Nahadoths eyes flicked to him and lingered for a moment; there was a hint of surprise in his expression. You must do as your lord requires. Not Dekarta. Itempas.
This is not his doing, Viraine said, scowling. Then he seemed to recall himself, throwing Scimina one last glare and shaking his head. Fine, then.
He reached into a pocket of his cloak and went to crouch beside Nahadoth, setting on his thigh a small square of paper on which had been drawn a spidery, liquid gods sigil. SomehowI refused to think deeply about howI knew a line was missing from it. Then Viraine took out a brush with a capped tip.
I felt queasy. I stepped forward, lifting a bloodied hand to protestand then stopped as my eyes met Nahadoths. His face was impassive, the glance lazy and disinterested, but my mouth went dry anyhow. He knew what was coming better than I did. He knew I could stop it. But the only way I could do that was to risk revealing the secret of Enefas soul.
Yet the alternative
Scimina, observing this exchange, laughedand then, to my revulsion, she came over to take me by the shoulder. I commend you on your taste, Cousin. He is magnificent, isnt he? I have often wondered if there was some way but, of course, there isnt.
She watched as Viraine set the square of paper on the floor beside Nahadoth, in one of the few spots unmarred by Siehs blood. Viraine then uncapped the brush, hunched over the square, and very carefully drew a single line.
Light blazed down from the ceiling, as if someone had opened a colossal window at high noon. There was no opening in the ceiling, though; this was the power of the gods, who could defy the physical laws of the human realm and create something out of nothing. After the relative dimness of Skys soft pale walls, this was too bright. I raised a hand in front of my watering eyes, hearing murmurs of discomfort from our remaining audience.
Nahadoth knelt at the lights center, his shadow stark amid the chains and blood. I had never seen his shadow before. At first the light seemed to do him no harmbut that was when I realized what had changed. I hadnt seen his shadow before. The living nimbus that surrounded him ordinarily did not allow it, constantly twisting and lashing and overlapping itself. It was not his nature to contrast his surroundings; he blended in. But now the nimbus had become just long black hair, draping over his back. Just a voluminous cloak cascading over his shoulders. His whole body was still.
And then Nahadoth uttered a soft sound, not quite a groan, and the hair and cloak began to boil.
Watch closely, murmured Scimina in my ear. She had moved behind me, leaning against my shoulder like a dear companion. I could hear the relish in her voice. See what your gods are made of.
Knowing she was there kept my face still. I did not react as the surface of Nahadoths back bubbled and ran like hot tar, wisps of black curling into the air around him and evaporating with a rattling hiss. Nahadoth slowly slumped forward, pressed down as if the light crushed him beneath unseen weight. His hands landed in Siehs blood and I saw that they, too, boiled, the unnaturally white skin rippling and spinning away in pale, fungoid tendrils. (Distantly, I heard one of the onlookers retch.) I could not see his face beneath the curtain of sagging, melting hairbut did I want to? He had no true form. I knew that everything I had seen of him was just a shell. But dearest Father, I had liked that shell and thought it beautiful. I could not bear to see the ruin of it now.
Then something white showed through his shoulder. At first I thought it was bone, and my own gorge rose. But it was not bone; it was skin. Pale like Tvrils, though devoid of spots, shifting now as it pushed up through the melting black.
And then I saw
* * *
And did not see.
A shining form (that my mind would not see) stood over a shapeless black mass (that my mind could not see) and plunged hands into the mass again and again. Not tearing it apart. Pummelingpoundingbrutalizing it into shape. The mass screamed, struggling desperately, but the shining hands held no mercy. They plunged again and hauled out arms. They crushed formless black until it became legs. They thrust into the middle and dragged out a torso, hand up to the wrist in its abdomen, gripping to impose a spine. And last was torn forth a head, barely human and bald, unrecognizable. Its mouth was open and shrieking, its eyes mad with agony beyond any mortal endurance. But of course, this was not a mortal.
This is what you want, snarls the shining one, his voice savage, but
these are not words and I do not hear them. It is knowledge; it is in my head. This abomination that she created. You would choose her over me? Then take her gifttake ittake it and never forget that youchosethis
The shining one is weeping, I notice, even as he commits this violation.
And somewhere inside me someone was screaming, but it was not me, although I was screaming, too. And neither of us could be heard over the screams of the new-made creature on the ground, whose suffering had only begun
* * *
The arm wrenched its way out of Nahadoth with a sound that reminded me of cooked meat. That same juicy, popping sound when one tears off a joint. Nahadoth, on his hands and knees, shuddered all over as the extra arm flailed blindly and then found purchase on the ground beside him. I could see now that it was pale, but not the moon-white I was used to. This was a far more mundane, human white. This was his daytime self, tearing through the godly veneer that covered it at night, in a grisly parody of birth.
He did not scream, I noticed. Beyond that initial abortive sound, Nahadoth remained silent even though another body ripped its way out of his. Somehow that made it worse, because his pain was so obvious. A scream would have eased my horror, if not his agony.
Beside him, Viraine watched for a moment, then closed his eyes, sighing.
This could take hours, said Scimina. It would go faster if this were true sunlight, of course, but only the Skyfather can command that. This is just a paltry imitation. She threw Viraine a contemptuous look. More than enough for my purposes, though, as you can see.
I kept my jaw clenched tight. Across the circle, through the shaft of light and the haze created by Nahadoths steaming godflesh, I could see Kurue. She looked at me once, bitter, and then away. Zhakkarn kept her eyes on Nahadoth. It was a warriors way to acknowledge suffering, and thus respect it; she would not look away. Neither would I. But gods, gods.
It was Sieh who caught and held my gaze as he walked forward into the pool of light. It did not harm him; it was not his weakness. He knelt beside Nahadoth and gathered the disintegrating head to his chest, wrapped his arms around the heaving shouldersall three of them. Through it all Sieh watched me, with a look that others probably interpreted as hatred. I knew otherwise.
Watch, those green eyes, so like mine yet so much older, said. See what we endure. And then set us free.
I will, I said back, with all my soul and Enefas, too. I will.
* * *
I did not know. No matter what else happened, Itempas loved Naha. I never thought that could turn to hate.
What in the infinite hells makes you think that was hate?
* * *
I glanced at Scimina and sighed.
Are you trying to nauseate me into answering? I asked. Add a new mess to the floor? Thats all this farce is going to do.
She leaned back from me, lifting an eyebrow. No compassion for your ally?
The Nightlord is not my ally, I snapped. As everyone in this den of nightmares has repeatedly warned me, he is a monster. But since hes no different from the rest of you who want me dead, I thought I might at least use his power to help my people.
Scimina looked skeptical. And what help did he provide? You made the effort in Menchey the next night.
None; dawn came too quickly. But I faltered here, remembering my grandmothers arms and the smell of the humid Darren air that night. I did miss her, and Darr itself, and all the peace I had once known there. Before Sky. Before my mothers death.
I lowered my eyes and let my very real pain show. Only that would appease Scimina.
We spoke of my mother, I said, softer. And other things, personal thingsnone of which should have any importance to you. With this I glared at her. And even if you roast that creature all night, I will not share those things with you.
Scimina gazed at me for a long moment, her smile gone, her eyes dissecting my face. Between and beyond us, Nahadoth finally made another sound through his teeth, an animal snarl. There were more hideous tearing sounds. I made myself not care by hating Scimina.
Finally she sighed and stepped away from me. So be it, she said. It was a feeble attempt, Cousin; you must have realized it had almost no chance of succeeding. Im going to contact Gemd and tell him to resume the attack. Theyll take control of your capital and crush any resistance, though Ill tell them to hold off on slaughtering your peoplemore than necessaryfor the time being.
So there it was, laid plain: I would have to do her bidding, or she would unleash the Mencheyev to wipe my people out of existence. I scowled. What guarantee do I have that you wont kill them anyway?
None whatsoever. After this foolishness, Im tempted to do it just for spite. But Id rather the Darre survive, now that I think about it. I imagine their lives wont be pleasant. Slavery rarely isthough well call it something else, of course. She glanced at Nahadoth, amused. But they will be alive, Cousin, and where there is life, there is hope. Isnt that worth something to you? Worth a whole world, perhaps?
I nodded slowly, though my innards clenched in new knots. I would not grovel. It will do for now.
For now? Scimina stared at me, incredulous, then began to laugh. Oh, Cousin. Sometimes I wish your mother were still alive. She at least could have given me a real challenge.
I had lost my knife, but I was still Darre. I whipped around and hit her so hard that one of her heeled shoes came off as she sprawled across the floor.
Probably, I said, as she blinked away shock and what I hoped was a concussion. But my mother was civilized.
Fists tight enough to sting at my sides, I turned my back on the whole arena and walked out.
21
First Love
I ALMOST FORGOT. When I first arrived in Sky, Tvril informed me that the highbloods sometimes gather for dinner in one of the fancier halls. This happened once during my time there, but I chose not to attend. There are rumors about Sky, you see. Some of them are exaggerations, and many are true, as I discovered. But there is one rumor I hoped never to confirm.
The Amn were not always civilized, the rumors remind us. Once, like High North, Senm was also a land of barbarians, and the Amn were simply the most successful of these. After the Gods War they imposed their barbarian ways on the whole world and judged the rest of us by how thoroughly we adopted thembut they did not export all of their customs. Every culture has its ugly secrets. And once, the rumors say, Amn elites prized the taste of human flesh above all other delicacies.
Sometimes I am more afraid of the blood in my veins than the souls in my flesh.
* * *
When Nahadoths torture ended, the clouds resumed moving across the night sky. They had been still, a caul over the moon that glimmered with arcs of color like weak, sickly rainbows. When the clouds finally moved on, something in me relaxed.
I had half-expected the knock at the door when it came, so I called enter. In the glasss reflection I saw Tvril, hovering uncertainly in the doorway.
Yeine, he said, then faltered to silence.
I left him floundering in it for a while before saying, Come in.
He stepped inside, just enough to allow the door to shut. Then he just looked at me, perhaps waiting for me to speak. But I had nothing to say to him, and eventually he sighed.
The Enefadeh can endure pain, he said. Theyve dealt with far worse over the centuries, believe me. What I wasnt sure of was your endurance.
Thank you for your confidence.
Tvril winced at my tone. I just knew you cared for Sieh. When Scimina started in on him, I thought He looked away, spread his hands helplessly. I thought it would be better for you not to see.
Because Im so weak-willed and sentimental that Id blabber all my secrets to save him?
He scowled. Because youre not like the rest of us. I thought you would do what you could to save a friend in pain, yes. I wanted to spare you that. Hate me for it if you like.
I turned to him, privately amazed. Tvril still saw me as the innocent, noble-hearted girl who had been so g
rateful for his kindness that first day in Sky. How many centuries ago had that been? Not quite two weeks.
I dont hate you, I said.
Tvril exhaled, then came over to join me at the window. Well Scimina was furious when you left, as you might imagine.
I nodded. Nahadoth? Sieh?
Zhakkarn and Kurue took them away. Scimina lost interest in us and left shortly after you did.
Us?
He paused for a second, and I could almost hear him cursing to himself under his breath. After a moment he said, Her original plan was to play that little game with the servants.
Ah, yes. I felt myself growing angry again. Thats when you suggested she use Sieh instead?
He spoke tightly. As I said, Yeine, the Enefadeh can survive Sciminas amusement. Mortals usually dont. You arent the only one I need to protect.
Which made it no more rightbut understandable. Like so much in Sky, wrong but understandable. I sighed.
I offered myself first.
I started. Tvril was gazing out the window, a rueful smile on his face. As Lady Yeines friend, I said, if youll forgive me for presuming. But she said I wasnt any better than the rest of the servants. His smile faded; I saw the muscles ripple along his jaw.
Dismissed again, I realized. Not even his pain is good enough for the Central Family. Yet he could not complain too much; his unimportance had saved him a great deal of suffering.
I have to go, Tvril said. He lifted a hand, hesitated, then put it on my shoulder. The gesture, and the hesitancy, reminded me of Sieh. I put my own hand over his. I would miss himironic, since I was the one slated to die.
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