The Perfect Present

by Larissa de Silva

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  RUDY

  I look at the donuts on the counter. Natalie tells me that my dad is still asleep, that he’s probably going to sleep through the night, and that I should go out and live my life. I still want to go in and see him, so I tell her that. I think, by the time I come back out, Jess isn’t going to be here.

  I don’t care. I shouldn’t care. Donna’s Donuts were a nice gesture, but that’s all it was. Jess and I are still not an item, we’ll probably never be an item, and I need to be okay with that.

  Plus, with everything that’s going on with my dad, it’s hard to focus on anything outside of that. I know I promised him I would look for a wife, or a partner, or whatever, but it’s hard to look for anything when I feel him slipping out of my grasp. I look back at the parking lot for a second before I head inside.

  Jess can wait, but she doesn’t have to, and if she doesn’t, it’ll be no great loss. She’s probably going to go back to London, or Frankfurt, or wherever the hell she’s gallivanting to nowadays, and she’s going to forget all about this town, all about her friends and her family, all about everyone she left behind. She’s going to forget about me. I don’t know why Jess got so upset. The way I see it, she should be thanking me. Without me, without the sacrifice I made for her--because fuck, if I didn’t love her more than anything in the world--she wouldn’t have had the charmed life she managed to have. And her life has been a good one, without me there to slow her down. Our paths differed, there was a fork in the road, and we both seized the opportunities that were in front of us. Her future was always going to be brighter than mine, that was clear for everyone to see, but I don’t think either one of us expected me to end up where I was.

  Though, really, where was I? I might have gone to med school, but I was back in Cassadaga, getting ready to be an orphan, with no career to speak of. I knew it was important, I knew it was the right decision, but when I was really thinking about it--like right then--it still stung a little.

  I shook my head. The day had been intense and my head was swimming with thoughts. In truth, every day back in Cassadaga had been intense, but ever since encountering Jess, it felt like the heat had been turned up and I didn’t know how I was going to be able to deal with it.

  I go to my dad’s room and knock gently on the door. It’s ajar so it opens as soon as my fist makes contact with it. “Dad?”

  He doesn’t answer. My heart drops to my stomach, and I feel a little sick as I open the door. He’s asleep, on his back, his chest rising up and down as he breathes deeply. His skin looks ashy and he’s far more pale than I want him to be, but there’s a smile on his face, and his dreams seem to be pleasant.

  It would be unfair of me to wake him from a peaceful slumber, when I know that soon, sleeping will be harder, and then, it’ll be no more. I need to allow him to have the little bits of happiness he can steal before it’s too late to steal any happiness, before his body really starts failing him, and before we have to say goodbye. I’m afraid, but I don’t want him to know that I’m afraid. I don’t think it’ll do either one of us any good.

  I take a step closer to him and smile. I think about saying something, but I don’t. I like the idea that he knows I’ve been here, even if he doesn’t. Before I open the door, I hear him cough. I turn around, and he’s looking at me, though he hasn’t moved.

  “Rudy,” he says. “Weren’t you out getting your girl?”

  “A girl,” I reply, smiling at him. I don’t intend to elaborate.

  “Good,” he says. “Come back when you get her.”

  He rolls over, and I can’t help but laugh. This is exactly like him, willing and ready to put death off until I uphold my end of the bargain. “I’ll be back soon,” I say.

  “Not too soon,” he replies. “I’m tired.”

  “Yes,” I say before I close the door behind me. “Got it.”

  I shake my head as I go downstairs again. He didn’t argue with me about my phrasing, which I can’t help but find a little encouraging. I close the door softly behind me so that he can go back to sleep without any issues, say goodnight to the staff on the way out, and only wonder, for a second, if Jess is going to be out in the parking lot.

  She is. Her mom’s car’s headlights are on, and she’s waiting for me. I’m not sure what to do. There was a big part of me that expected her to go, to not want to be around me any longer. But she’s waiting, and when she catches me leaving, she gives me a little wave.

  I have no excuse. I need to go up to her, I need to say something. I did make her wait for me, after all, and I think she has been waiting a while. She opens her door to get out of the car but I shake my head and wave her off, so she rolls down her window instead and I lean over on the car door to look at her as we talk. “Hey,” I say.

  “Hey,” she replies.

  “Thank you for waiting,” I say as she meets my gaze. God, she’s so beautiful. It’s kind of annoying that even in the dark, even though we’re right outside of Haven, and even though I’m supposed to be angry with her, all I can think about is how beautiful she is.

  “You’re welcome,” she says, biting her lower lip and looking away from me.

  I nod. “And thank you for the donuts, too,” I say. “I appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome,” she replies. “But let me guess. You left them for the nurses?”

  “They work hard,” I say, smiling at her. “They could do with a treat.”

  “I have no doubt that’s true,” she says, then taps her fingertips on the steering wheel.

  I take a deep breath before I speak. “You shouldn’t have come looking for me,” I say.

  “I’m sorry,” she replies. “Like I said, I went to your house--”

  I shake my head. “No, I mean, on your leg,” I say. “You’re supposed to be resting. Not walking or driving. Definitely not getting me donuts. You’re supposed to be recovering.”

  “I am recovering,” she replies. “Look, it’s just my leg. I just really needed to talk to you and I didn’t have your phone number. I would’ve just called you, but...”

  “You could’ve asked for my phone number,” I say, shaking my head. “I mean, you did manage to work out where I would be. You’re a resourceful person. I didn’t think that would be particularly difficult.”

  She shakes her head. “Fine,” she says. “But I wanted to see you. I feel bad about how we left things.”

  I shake my head. “You shouldn’t,” I say. “Look, we’re both adults now. Things have changed for both of us. That much is obvious.”

  “Right,” she says, but she doesn’t seem to believe what she’s saying much. “I just mean--”

  I look into her eyes, and it hurts me deeply, but I know I have to do this again. She wants me once more, that much is clear, and there are too many things going on in my life to get involved with her. Regardless of what my father wants--regardless of what I want--it just simply wouldn’t fair to Jess. “Jess, listen,” I say, my voice quiet. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  She nods. “Sure. What’s up?”

  “I didn’t think I would be running into you again,” I say, looking away from her. “And when I did, I don’t know, everything came into such sharp view. It was kind of disorienting.”

  She doesn’t say anything. She tilts her head and listens, something she used to do before, and it makes my heart beat faster. I feel a little like I’m going to throw up as I look into her eyes again. I’ve always found it easier to lie when you’re pretending to tell the truth, though I have never been a good liar.

  “I need you to understand something,” I say after clearing my throat. “And I need you to understand that it’s important.”

  She nods. “I understand.”

  “I know that things were really intense when we were younger,” I say. My voice sounds foreign to my own ears. “But they’re not intense anymore, not now, and things between us... well, they’ve fizzled out. There isn’t going to be anyt
hing between us.”

  She doesn’t say anything. Just waits for me to talk.

  “And I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way I want it, okay?” I say. It’s a lie, it’s obviously a lie, but I can see that there are tears in her eyes, and that she seems more than just a little upset. I don’t want to upset her more, but I don’t think I have that much of an option. “We were meant not to be together. That’s the way destiny decide it.”

  “That’s bullshit,” she says. “You don’t believe in destiny.”

  “Jess, you don’t know anything about what I believe,” I say, looking right at her. “You haven’t for the longest time. You don’t know me. You can pretend that you know me, you can pretend that you still know who I am, and you’re going to get bits of it right, because there’s remnants of that kid you knew. But I’m an adult, a hardened, annoying, difficult adult.”

  She keeps on staring at me, not saying anything.

  “And Jess, I want to tell you something else,” I say, because she still hasn’t driven away, and she hasn’t rolled up her window, and the way she’s staring at me is driving me a little crazy. Like she wants me to tell her she’s the one. And there’s a part of me that does want to tell her that, but she needs to go out. She needs to live her life. She doesn’t need to be here, in backwards Cassadaga, when she could be anywhere else living her life. Having a good life. “I went out with someone.”

  “What?”

  “After we had that talk,” I say. “I went out with someone else.”

  She blinks. “What?”

  “A woman,” I reply. “Someone we went to school with.”

  She shakes her head. “I mean,” she says. “You don’t owe me an explanation--”

  “But you’re hurt--”

  “I’ll get over it,” she replies, looking me up and down, then scoffing. “You need to move. I’m going to roll my window up.”

  “Fine,” I say. “But this is it, Jess. This is the end of--”

  “Of nothing,” she replies, her brow furrowed, as she stares right at me. “It’s the end of nothing. I understand that. I thought you were the same sweet boy that I knew, but it turns out, you’ve always been a selfish asshole. You’re just really good at justifying it. But for the record, I don’t buy any of your shit.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “You’re right,” she replies and begins to slowly roll the window up. “It’s not fuckin’ fair.”

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  JESS

  I don’t know, exactly, why I feel so blindsided and betrayed when Rudy talks to me. I don’t even know how to pinpoint it, or where to start. It’s not like we are together. He’s a good-looking man, he can go out with whoever he wants, and it really shouldn’t be affecting me. I shouldn’t care about what he does with his time, if he’s seeing other women, what he’s doing with his life. I shouldn’t care about Rudy Steele. He’s just a remnant of the past, and by trying to hold on to it so desperately, I’m only helping to undo the preciousness of our memories together.

  And we did have a bunch of precious memories together. We kissed in a ferris wheel until it felt like he was going to wear my lips away. He gave me a ring on my birthday and told me that it was the prettiest thing he could buy for the prettiest girl he had ever met. He would always hold my hand when we were hanging out, it didn’t matter if his friends were all there.

  I drive back to my parents’ house with tears in my eyes. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t think Rudy understands that I don’t have a choice. I wanted to make him part of my life, but that’s clearly not in the cards. I wanted to tell him the truth--to tell him how I really feel about him--but I don’t think that’s going to happen now. Or ever, really.

  And maybe that’s for the best. Maybe that’s the way it needs to be, I tell myself. I get back to my parents’ house and the moment I take the car out of gear, I notice how sore my leg is. Of course I put my leg through this just to be rejected, I think bitterly as I put my weight on it.

  The moment I turn the ignition off, I see my mother coming toward me. She’s waving her arms a little frantically so I can’t help but worry.

  “Jessie!” she says. “You’re back.”

  “I am,” I reply, trying my best to smile at her. “You seem excited.”

  “I am excited,” she says, then rolls her eyes. She’s wearing a robe, which means she’s probably already in her pajamas, but her make-up is still done, and her hair is perfectly curled. Of course it is, my mom would never leave her house looking like a mess. “I’m excited you’re here, Jess, but your dad wanted to go to brunch, then I thought I’d do a little late Christmas shopping. It was a nightmare to park, and we stayed for way longer than I thought we would.”

  “That’s okay--”

  “It’s not okay!” she replies, hooking her arm in mine. “It’s not okay at all, you see, because this is the first day you’re here, you had an accident and I just abandoned you. Jess, I know this might come as a shock to you, but I’m an absolutely terrible mother.”

  I laugh a little as we approach the porch. My mother has always been a fast walker, but she slows down as she gets on the makeshift ramp Rudy set out for us. She goes first, and waits for me. “At least you were distracted,” she says, flashing me a big smile.

  “Yeah,” I reply. This time, I don’t try to smile back at her. I simply don’t have the energy to. “It was a longer day than I expected it to be.”

  “Are you in pain?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I am now,” I say. “I’m supposed to go to the pharmacy but I haven’t picked up my prescription yet.”

  “That seems important,” she says, then looks down at her watch and tuts. “The pharmacy in town will be closed now, but--”

  “It’s okay, Momma,” I say, this time actually smiling at her as I open the front door. “I can just go tomorrow. It’ll give me something to do.”

  She raises her eyebrows. “I meant to ask you,” she says. “What did you do today?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Start by lying down,” she says. “You’ll want to keep that leg raised.”

  “Are you a doctor now, too?” I ask her.

  She groans at me. “C’mon, Jess,” she says. “You’re not being fair.”

  I nod, closing the door behind me. “Right,” I say. “I’m the one who isn’t being fair.”

  She licks her lips. “Get on the sofa,” she says. “I’ll bring you some cocoa and we can hash this out.”

  “There’s no need for--”

  Before I can finish, she has disappeared. I can hear her puttering around in the kitchen, and I know she’s taking out the sugar, and putting the kettle on. I want to offer my help, but I know she’ll only turn me down, and my leg does hurt. Rudy is right, I should probably be resting.

  I close my eyes. I don’t want to think about Rudy, not after what happened today. My mom brings me the hot cocoa, with a sprinkling of cinnamon on top, and I sit up and smile at her. “Thank you,” I say. “I need this, after the day I’ve had.”

  She sits down next to me. “Do you want to tell me about the day you’ve had?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “Well, I hurt my leg because the porch is rotting--”

  “In my defense, I didn’t know about that--”

  “And then Rudy came to rescue me,” I say, staring at her as I take a sip of my cocoa. “And not to be rude or anything, Momma, but how come you hadn’t told me he was a doctor?”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t know,” she says. “It feels cruel to talk to you about that boy, after he broke your heart.”

  “He didn’t break my heart...” I say then trail off when I see the way she’s looking at me.

  “Please, Jessie,” she says. “You came home and you didn’t leave your room for days. Your father and I were so worried about you. I almost had to call Pastor Young to see if he would come see you.”

  I
shake my head, licking my mouth, which is covered in chocolate. “How would that have helped?”

  “I don’t know,” she replies. “How would anything have helped?”

  I nod at that. “I was just so excited to go off to school,” I say. “I thought he would be really excited, too. I thought he would want to go with me. But I never managed to tell him, not before he broke it off.”

  “He should’ve been the one asking you,” she says.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know if that’s true,” I reply. “I mean, he was only doing what he thought was best for me. That’s the part that’s most annoying, because he didn’t do it because he hated me or anything. For so long, I thought that he might... I don’t know.”

  “You can tell me,” she replies. “I mean, it’s been so long.”

  I nod. “Yeah,” I say, then take another sip of the cocoa. “I guess I just never wanted you to hate him.”

  “I could never hate him,” she says. “I mean, he hurt you, and I was upset, but I knew he only ever wanted what was best for you. Jess, you were always destined for such great things.”

  I sigh. “That’s kind of what he said. And then he said there is never going to be a chance for us and that we are never going to be together. I mean, I get it. But I guess, when he pulled me out of the wood, I thought that maybe there was a chance.”

  “So you told him.”

  I look up at her. “What?”

  “You told him that you wanted him to go with you and he said he didn’t want to,” she says, matter-of-factly. “I’m sorry. That must have been absolutely terrible.”

  “Well, no...”

  She stares at me, her brows high up in her forehead. I sigh and groan. I don’t really want to explain myself, but she always makes it so hard when she just stares at me.

  “There just wasn’t a right time.”

  “Like there wasn’t a right time before he broke up with you?”

  I shake my head. “That’s not fair, Momma,” I say. “You’re not being fair.”