by B.A. Savage
A man with a rugged voice and even more rugged beard says, “Hey fellas, getting tired of all those new age soft-man products? Tired like I am of smelling strawberries in your bathroom, when that smell should be in your kitchen or garden? Both places a real man would never be caught dead in? Well, unless he was fixing the sink or his garden was the Amazon rain forest!
Well, I’m here as a representative of real men around the world and a representative of Men ‘n’ Men products. Yeah, the name could make you a little skeptical, I was, but once I tried their newest product I became as devoted as a battered housewife.
The new product that I’m raving about is Men ‘n’ Men’s Aftershave for Real Men, with scents real men can appreciate, and about damn time too! Who wants to smell shower fresh from an aftershave? Washing your butt gets the same result. Musk? What the hell is that anyways? Sounds too much like musty to me. Baby powder? How much more of a wuss could a man become? Do I need to go on? Get my point?
Well Men ‘n’ Men brings you smells a man can truly appreciate such as, New Car, Smoking Cherry Pipe, Hickory Smoke, several different Imported Beers, and my personal favorite and their best seller, Woman’s Natural Juices. Can you image a more pleasant smell right under your nose? That’s if you’re a real man of course. So wimps, go out and pick up your berry-licious aftershave, wuss! Real men, go out and pick up your bottle of Men ‘n’ Men aftershave available at your local grocer, convenience store, gas station or nudie bar. I would say thanks, but real men don’t. Bye!
....I’m speechless...women’s natural juices? Wow! Where did Tex find these sponsors? I mean, I can’t complain too much. I bet people say or think the same thing about me, but what? Me worry? I would go mad if I did. Ha! Never mind if you didn’t get it. I got millions of them. Anyways, I got Tex wrapped around my finger, if you only knew. Well, it’s time for an interview with the lucky man sharing tonight’s main event spotlight with the World Champion, The Stud. It’s BDB, standing by with Cynthia. Take her away officer. I mean, take it away, Cynthia.
Cynthia is standing next to James “Boogie Down” Brown. She looks upset and doesn’t seem to had noticed the camera is on. Cyn says, “That damn hoe! Who does she think she is showing up here? Damn gorilla.”
BDB says, “Yo, what’s the dilly-o? BDB git his fifteen or wazzup schoo-chee?”
Cyn snaps, “Schoo-Chee? What the hell is that?”
“A stank hoochie.”
“Why, I never!”
“Waz? Play wit da ding ding wizzout da bling bling?”
Cyn gets ready to speak when BDB put his hand in her face, “Brickwall. You be illin so I be outie 5000, gee.” Then he walks off.
The ding ding and bling bling? Ha! He cracks me up. Yet once again, I get a good laugh at Cynthia’s expense. Oh man, I have so much fun here. I really wish you fans at home could be here with me, especially the cute ones, women of course! No stool sharing here, buddy. Ha!
Well, it’s time for the final member of the Brooklyn Bombers to get his lumps. Coming to the ring looking as disgruntled as ever. The vocal leader of Brooklyn’s finest. Well, depending on how you look at it. Of the Brooklyn Bombers, it’s....Bruno!
It’s the tag team champions of the world!...In a non-title match. Ha! Making their way to the ring, it’s Big Tyme Billy and Big Shot Bill....it’s the Dollar Dollar Bills!
< Match - Dollar Dollar Bills vs Bruno - 2 vs 1 tag format - Bruno wastes no time and charged Big Tyme while they posed with the belts, starting the match. Despite Big Shot’s constant interference, Bruno manages to focus on Big Tyme and not allowing a tag for most of the match. Once Big Shot finally tagged in, he is nailed by a clothes line, Bruno bounced off the rope but Big Tyme had revived enough to trip Bruno. This finally turned the tide. They double team Bruno and execute well-timed tag teammanship proving their title worthy abilities. They worked Bruno over pretty good. Big Tyme, who was the man on the outside, grabs a mic, “It’s time to see S.A.W.’s real deal tag team move, the Stock Market Crash”. As soon as he rolled back in the ring, all the lights in the arena cut off and when they come back on four mysterious people cloaked in all black were standing outside the ring at each corner post. Both DDB’s look curiously along with the ref at these four. Bruno trying to get to his feet gets a quick boot to his face by Big Tyme. Once again the lights go out and this time when they come back on Big Tyme is laid out in the ring and Big Shot is staggering woozily, that is until Bruno rising from his feet nails him with his finisher “The Decapitator.” The ref looks puzzled. Bruno yells, “Count!” as he pins Big Shot. Bruno gets the pin fall victory. >
They’re back?! Whoa, I know Tex and the DDB’s didn’t expect that! No one could of. I thought we’d seen the last of those four the last time they were here. The last time they were here Tex accused the Bombers of being them and I kinda thought they could be but with Bruno in the ring how could that be possible? What if they show up at the Pay Per View and interfere with a match?! Oh man. Now Bruno has defeated the DDB’s, not a good way for them to head into the Pay Per View. Crazy, crazy, crazy. The DDB’s are still confused talking amongst themselves as they head backstage. I wonder what Rick is thinking. He’s got the next match and we know we got that crazy lady somewhere around here and now the cloaked freaks. They better stay away from my booth. Before we get to the last two matches, let me announce the winners of the Buzz S.A.W. ticket drawing for our first ever pay per view. The winners of the full expense paid trip are Officer Ray Sisk of the Aberdeen Police Department and Northeast Classen High School teacher Lauren Holmes-Childs. Why the hell did they write their profession on their order forms? Weird but winners. Congrats.
< Mikeal’s Music Plays >
I still can’t believe what’d I just saw. Well anyways, it’s time for our next match. Tex’s pathetic excuse of a main event, tune up matches for The Stud and Rick. Coming to the ring, the...um...oh well, it’s Mikeal!
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
His opponent in this singles match. Sporting his new “Rick Rules” tee-shirt. The well built, the very quiet and now definitely wanted, the #1 contender to the heavyweight title, it’s...Rick Rich!
< Match - Rick vs Mikeal - Mikeal fighting in his first match at S.A.W. with someone close to his size, yet definitely not his build, locks up and tries to wrestle a wrestling man’s match. Big mistake. Rick’s youth, athleticism and ring skills overwhelm Mikeal from the initial lockup. Rick uses this match to vent frustration and display his abilities. Luckily for Mikeal, once Rick’s defeated Mikeal’s fighting spirit with technical moves and counters, he defeats him with his finisher,"A Little R&R” sleeper hold for the submission win. >
I believe that was actually for you, fans. It was rumored backstage that some people started to doubt Rick’s actual wrestling ability because of his record. I mean, you can even look at how simple Simon had that notion. Even though it was Mikeal, I was impressed but to tell you the truth, I’ve always been impressed with his wrestling skills. Sorry to say Bobby, but your brother is the more technically sound of you two at this point, hey, but who knows what the future holds.
< Boogie Down Brown’s Music Plays>
It’s time for our main event! Making his entrance. Man the crowd just loves this guy and his dancing too. Coming to the ring, in his biggest match yet. The multi-lingo, schoo-chee hating dancing machine, it’s...James “Boogie Down” Brown!
< The Stud’s Music Plays >
The crowd explodes as the world champion makes his entrance, along with his body guard Crowd Control. In this non-titled so-called tune up match. It’s the man with more ladies than your local YWCA, it’s De Marco...“The Stud” Jackson!
< Match - The Stud vs Boogie Down Brown - Non - title match - Both men being fan favorites allow each other to do their in-ring thing for the fans, which drives the crowd wild. Then both stand face to face in the center of the ring and what a contrast they are. The Stud with a caramel complex
ion, well groomed goatee and curly black hair in a ponytail, in black wrestling shorts, stands about half a foot taller than his opponent. On the other hand, BDB with pale skin, bushy moustache and brown afro, sporting psychedelic full length pants, stands grinning along with The Stud. They both shake hands, then start the match. A good entertaining match it turned out to be, with both men wrestling an evenly balanced match. The turning point is when The Stud ducks a running clothesline attempt and BDB again comes off the ropes, and lands face first after a drop toe hold. The Stud then stalks him waiting to nail his finisher “Light’s Out”. BDB gets up holding his face. The Stud kicks as BDB turned toward him but BDB dodges the kick and locks in his finisher sleeperhold “Boogie Down Night’s.” The Stud was fading fast. CC pounds the mat from outside trying to rally The Stud along with the crowd. The referee drops his hand two times with no reaction, as the crowd gets louder and the ref lifts The Stud’s hand a third time, The Stud uses a surge of energy and incredible leg strength to propel them both back first into a corner causing BDB to break the hold. The Stud staggers forward and turns around just in time to duck a charging clothes line. When BDB stops and turns around he catches “Light’s Out” on his chin. The Stud still reeling from the effects of the sleeper, falls on top of BDB for the 1, 2, 3, victory. >
The Stud wins! The Stud wins! The Stud wins! What a match! What an effort! Boogie Down came so close. That’s gotta help move BDB up the ladder. Wow, and what about The Stud surviving “Boogie Down Night’s?” Incredible! Also, what about those four guys in the cloaks? What about that weirdo Amazon? What about a lot of stuff? Tune in this Tuesday for the next S.A.W. show when we present the Cutting Edge. This is Wil B. Creamin for S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling. Drive carefully, be safe, and God Bless! Love Ya!
S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 7 (The Cutting Edge)
Welcome ladies and gents, gents and ladies, and all the kids and babies to S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling, live from the “Macho Macho Man” Dome here in Weekie Wachee, Hernando County, Florida and we are at max capacity for this week’s Cutting Edge. I’m your host, today, tomorrow, and into the great future, Wil B. Creamin, the one you ladies love to be double teaming. Speaking of double teaming, at our last show we had a lot of double teaming going on thanks to Tex putting all the Brooklyn Bombers in two on one matches. With Tex’s recent luck, anyone could have guessed his plans were going to blow up in his face one way or another and they did sort of. Bruno of the Brooklyn Bombers managed an upset victory over the tag team champions, the Dollar Dollar Bills, and upset is the right word to describe Tex’s mood tonight. That victory was due to the outside, well, at least believed outside, interference of four unknown dark cloaked individuals, as they apparently interfered with yet another S.A.W. match.
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
It looks like we are gonna get to find out what Tex is or isn’t gonna do about those four. This close to the Pay Per View, Buzz S.A.W., Tex can’t continue to have his show run amuck by some oddities. While on the subject of oddities, maybe we’ll hear something about what appears to be Rick’s stalker. Well, in the ring now is Tex, Rick, and the tag team champs, the Dollar Dollar Bills, it’s...Rich Inc!
< In the Ring >
Tex is still wearing a neck brace and his white trademark Texan hat. Rick with his “Rick Rules” t-shirt stands by his father. The DDB’s each are leaning back in separate corners. Tex says into his mic, “First, I would like to thank you all for coming out and tuning in.”
The crowd boos.
“Well, to hell with you all then! You’re here cause you are pathetic drones and have miserable lives and wish you could be as wealthy as we are!” yells Tex.
The crowd boos louder as the DDB’s applaud Tex.
“Well anyways, I’m not out here for you. I’m here to tell whoever those four people are interfering with my show, that I’ll find out who you are and when I do, you’ll be fired! I know it has to be someone working here and just wait till I find out who you are, you’ll regret you ever came to S.A.W.”
Tex tears off his neck brace, “Even if that means I have to do it with my own hands!”
Tex is venting and seems to be overexerting himself. Rick and the DDB’s step forward to comfort him. Tex tries to motion them off.
Unannounced, Simon walks down from the back toward the ring. None of Rich Inc notice him until he’s on the ring apron. Tex can be seen asking the others, “What is he doing out here?”
The DDB’s are trying not to laugh.
Simon whips out a mic, “Here we are with Tex Rich, the owner and creator of S.A.W., so Tex, how is your situation with your son and his tough love matches?”
The DDB’s fold over laughing and even Rick cracks a smile, but Tex doesn’t seem amused, “What the hell are you doing out here?” asks Tex.
“My notes tell me that I was supposed to interview you and ask about your son.”
Tex yells, “That was last week, numbskull!”
The DDB’s are laughing so hard that they have to use the ropes to keep from falling over. Even Rick seems to be laughing now.
Stumbling over his notes and words, “But...they...”
Tex cuts him off, “You’re fired!”
“Bu, bu, bu...”
“Get your stuff together and leave my show, you’re fired!”
“Bu, bu, bu...”
Rick, with his grin gone, steps toward Simon. Simon gets the message and leaves the ring. Tex is furious and turns toward the DDB’s who immediately straighten up and stop laughing.
Tex grips his mic and turns toward backstage, “Now that the subject has been brought up, Bobby, get your rear out here now!”
He fired Simon! Damn idiot, Bu, Bu, Bu, Booted! Ha!
< Bobby Rich’s Music Plays >
Bobby Rich comes out to the top of the ring ramp, “What do you want, dad?” He adds, sarcastically, “What? Congratulate me for still being a champion while Rick has to fight dinosaurs to get wins?”
The crowd erupts and so does Rick who leans over the top rope, motioning for Bobby to come get some. Tex just shakes his head as his sons exchange swears.
“No, son, I called you out to ask you if you’ve had enough tough love yet? Are you ready to come home?”
Bobby looks down, then walks back and forth as if contemplating. He stops, looks up at his father in the ring; “Dad, I got two words for ya. Hell no!”
The crowd erupts as Tex takes off his Texan hat and stomps on it. He stops after a few stomps and holds his neck. Rich Inc tries to console him again, he pushes them back. “Fine! I was actually hoping you would say that. Tonight, you’ll face...Crowd Control, one on one. How’s that for tough love, boy? Now hit our damn music!”
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays>
< Backstage >
The Brooklyn Bombers are all huddled around a table watching the show. Bruno asks in more of an angrier tone than his usual angry tone, “See how this damn show is catered around his stinking family?”
The other Bomber’s say in unison, “Yeah!”
“After what they did to us last show. We gotta make them pay!”
“Yeah!”
In a devilish tone, Bruno grins and says, “I think I know just how to get Tex, through his weakness.” The other BB’s say in a devilish tone also, “Yeah.”
Bruno nods and says softly, “Yeah.”
What was all that about? I don’t like the way they said yeah, and I also don’t like Bobby’s chances of winning tonight against Crowd Control. Shoot, I don’t like any chances against big double C. Well it looks as if tough love continues. I wonder what the BB’s are up to. Well, I can tell you what two fans are going to be up to in a few weeks. Yes, it’s time to announce the next winner’s of a pair of all-expense paid trip to our first ever pay per view Buzz S.A.W. live from San Antonio. This week’s winners are Justin U. Deer and Doug N. Rears. Congrats.
< Cutting Edge’s Music Plays >
Well, it’s time for some in ring t
ag team action. I guess if he was wearing purple tights, this man would be Barney in Bobby’s eyes. Ha! Coming to the ring...it’s Mikeal! His partner tonight, who’s cousin’s brother’s uncle is his niece’s mother’s aunt, it’s the super red neck...Charles Choker!
< Varsity All-Stars Music Plays>
Their opponents, making their way accompanied by their sister Karrie. Not intramural, not J. V. but Chad and Brad Keeble...The Varsity All-Stars!
< Match - Varsity vs Choker / Mikeal - Choker put up a decent fight but it’s not enough against the brother combo. After knocking Mikeal off the apron, Chad tags Brad, then lifts Choker up for their tag team finisher “Varsity Blues” for the easy 1, 2, 3, victory.>
< Backstage >
Tex is walking by himself down a hallway when Mean Mike and KaBoom approach each other with fire in their eyes. Tex is caught in the middle. He puts up his hands like a traffic cop would to halt both men. “Hold up boys! No fighting backstage.”
They both stop on each side of Tex, both breathing heavy with vicious intent on their faces.
“I’m gonna kill him!” yells Mean Mike.
“KaPow!” yells back KaBoom.
Both men take a step toward each other with Tex in the middle, “Damn it, boys, hold on! I got an idea of how you two can solve your differences without all these backstage incidents. Now, hold your horses.”
Both men just stare at each other, without taking their eyes off one another.
Tex continues, “How’s this sound? At the Pay Per View, KaBoom versus Mean Mike Ford, one on one, in a no DQ, last man standing match? Sounds great doesn’t it?”
Tex grins and so does Mean Mike, “If KaBoom had the balls.”
KaBoom smiles, “I got the stones, you’ll see, when I hit you like a brick.”
Tex interjects, “But...any incidents beforehand by either of you two before Buzz S.A.W., our first ever Pay Per View and your chance to be part of history, will be gone. You’ll watch the show at home like a fan. Got it?”
They both acknowledge they understand and head off separate ways.
“Phew. That was extreme,” says Tex as he turns around to walk off until he finds Rage right behind him. “Whoa! What the? What the..? Can I help you?” stutters Tex as he looks into Rage’s eyes and sees the same anger that he just got rid of.
“I want Raoul!” yells Rage as if Tex was standing far away.
Tex looks up and down the impressive build of this angry black man in front of him.
Rage repeats just as loud as before, “I want Raoul!” This makes Tex jump.
Tex calmly smiles, “How about this, how about I give you a match, one on one with Raoul at the P. P. V., if tonight...you beat The Stud one on one in a non title match?”
Rage looks unimpressed, “I don’t care about The Stud. I want Raoul!”
Tex adds, “How about if you win tonight, not only do you get Raoul at the Pay Per View, you’ll get a title shot at our first show after Buzz S.A.W. How about that?”
Tex smiles confidently until Rage yells, “ I want Raoul. I don’t care about the damn Stud!”
“Well, you better care, cause that’s the only way I’ll change Raoul’s match against my son at the Pay Per View.”
Rage still looks like he’s about to explode as he ponders the situation at hand, “Fine! Stud, you’re in the way of Raoul, so tonight you must feel my rage!” Rage screams like he’s insane, then heads off.
Tex, stunned says, “Whoa, that boy’s lost it, if he ever had it.”
< Commercial Break >
A late middle age white man in a nice black suit is sitting in a director style chair with XLB on the back support and a huge XLB symbol on a big screen monitor in the background.
“Hi, I’m Fred Dumper, owner of Fred Dumper Networks. This spring on our mother station W.E.B.S will be the premier of the XLB, the Xtreme League of Baseball. You’re probably wondering, what exactly is XLB and why should you tune in? Well, the XLB is my own personal creation. Being a billionaire numerous times over and bored out of my mind with all the success, I decided it’s time to monopolize another industry”
The man shifts in his chair and so does the camera angle. “In the XLB, we will put ‘major’ fun back into baseball. Here are examples of putting fun in our league, compared to that boring game that’s nothing more than a century of old dust.”
The big screen displaying the huge XLB symbol turns black and these facts show up under these categories, “Xtreme League Baseball” and “Moldy League Baseball.”
“First, who has the time or patience to watch over 150 games? This generation’s attention span is measured in nanoseconds, so we at XLB play only 30 game seasons.”
“Second, it always seems to come down to the last few weeks of the season before the real heroes surface, a good month or so after the all-star game, but didn’t you pay to see them try hard in the beginning of the year also? Well, here at the XLB, the all-star game is after ten games, play hard all year long is our motto.”
“Third, aren’t you tired of hearing how much these guys are being paid for the same percentage of success that would get you fired at your job? Think about it. No matter what you do for a living, what would happen if you got your job done correctly only two out of ten times and the man of the office was doing it right three out of ten times? Please! So to increase batting averages, we are using softball size baseballs and remember those plastic bats with regular size handles but with fat ends? Well, we use those style of bats in the XLB. So with bats and balls like that the game will be extreme.”
Finally, where in the world are the cheerleaders? Every other major sport has them. Well, except hockey, but hell, who can explain how those damn Canadians think anyways. Well, we’ll have cheerleaders, tons of them!”
“Well, now you have the main reasons to tune in to the XLB on W.E.B.S, the Fred Dumper Network, that’s me! See you this spring.”
Welcome back to the show and back to the action. Before the break we had a chance to see just how volatile the situation between KaBoom and Mean Mike Ford and the situation between Raoul and Rage really is. At least Raoul and Rage are fighting over what each did to each other. KaBoom and Mike started all their fighting over a towel for crying out loud! So I guess it’s kinda appropriate for those two to have a figurative “throw in the towel” match because the man who can’t stand up before the ten count loses. No pins, no submissions, just good ol’ fashion beatings.
< Flying Jalapeno’s Music Plays >
Now it’s time for some action. Coming to the ring, weighing about as much as a grilled stuffed taco. The man whose high risk moves might just spill his beans all over the concrete one day. It’s the spicy and fiery...Flying Jalapeno!
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
There’s their music. A member of the owner’s team, the son of...um? Well, supposed to be coming to the ring right now. Where’s Rick at? That’s weird. No matter what you can say about Rick, you can’t say he’s not professional. If anything, that’s usually a knock against him, he’s too professional. That’s why I’m shocked he's not here yet.
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
Well, I know he’s here. He was in the ring earlier with the rest of Rich Inc. Whoa! There he is and he’s staggering to the ring and he’s busted open! What the hell happened to him? He’s still coming to the ring for this match. He’s in no condition for this match, yet alone any match. I know this was supposed to be an easy match that was hand-picked by Tex, but I’m sure he didn’t expect Rick to be in this condition.
< Match - Rick Rich vs Flying Jalapeno - The ref tries to check Rick out but he shoves him off, so the ref starts the match. Rick should have sat this one out as the Flying J makes him look pathetic. His speed blows away the disoriented Rick. At one point, Rick manages to get the Flying J lifted for a pile driver attempt but the wiry Flying J flips up and reverses the attempt into a high angle DDT, which earns him a close two count. Then he lifts Rick and slams him, setting him
up for a top rope moonsault which he lands and if the ref wasn’t in a bad position, Rick would have lost. But instead, it was another very close two count. Flying J lifts Rick, who tries a wild swing, which Flying J ducks and nails him with a leaping reverse heel kick, for another close two count. As Rick stands, the Flying J bounces off the ropes and tries a clothesline, which Rick ducks and quickly turns around and locks in “A little R &R” finisher. The Flying J can’t escape and both men collapse with the hold still locked on. The ref drops his hand for the third time and rings the bell, yet Rick seems out of it. As he lays on the mat, the DDB’s run down to the ring with Tex frantically in tow. The DDB’s are helping Rick to his feet as Tex enters the ring. Tex asks Rick, “What happened to you, son?!” >
What happened? Rick almost lost, several times, that’s what happened. Ha! Seriously, what truck ran Rick over before the match, and why did the rest of Rich Inc just get there after the match? We know they aren’t against helping bail each other out even when it’s not needed. So where...hold on! I was just told we have some footage of backstage that might clear this up.
< Pre-Recorded > < Backstage >
Outside of Tex’s office, a forklift is parked in front of Tex’s door blocking it from opening more than a foot. Tex and the DDB’s can be heard yelling for help while Big Tyme is waving his arm through the crack in the door, hoping to flag someone down. Tex yells, “Please, someone help move this damn thing! I need to help my boy!”
Simon is walking by with his belongings on a pull cart. Tex hears someone, but doesn't realize who it is, “Please help us!”
Simon stops in front of the opening, “What? Help you? Don’t you remember, I no longer work for you, you just fired me.”
Tex realizes it’s Simon and pleads, “Please, maybe I was being hasty earlier. If you could give us a hand, I would...”
Simon interjects, “Give you a hand, huh?”
“Yeah, give us a hand in moving the forklift. You know how to drive one, right?”
“Yes, I do. So, all I have to do is give you a hand huh?”
“Yes, but please hurry up.”
“Well, Simon says, how about I give you a finger instead!” Then flips Tex off and walks away.
Tex pleads, but no one’s there. Finally, a few minutes later a stagehand, walking by sees the forklift out of place and moves it, and Rich Inc explodes out of the office and heads toward the ring.
Ha! I wonder who put the forklift in front of their door? That still doesn’t explain what happened to Rick but I bet, no, I just know it’s has to be connected but just who beat Rick up and why? Just imagine, if Rick would have lost to the Flying Jalapeno, imagine how it would have impacted both wrestler’s current careers. That’s two shows in a row that our Buzz S.A.W. main eventers almost had it handed to them. Also tonight, The Stud has to face a raging Rage, with one thing on his mind, destroying The Stud to get to Raoul. I love this stuff!
< Backstage >
Thunder is walking down the backstage hallway with Lightning in tow, who’s talking up a storm in Spanish. Thunder seems to be zoning him out. When they arrive at their locker room, Thunder turns to Lightning. At first he looks like he’s about to yell, but calms down and smiles, “Look, I can’t speak or understand Spanish. Haven’t you figured that out yet? We’ve been together since the first show.”
Lightning says something in Spanish and Thunder just shakes his head in disbelief, then attempts Spanish, “Me no understand E-Span-yo.”
Lightning has a puzzled look on his face, then points at Thunder, “No Espanol?”
“No.”
“Un poco?”
Thunder shakes his head, then enters the locker room, and Lightning follows still speaking Spanish.
Man, that would get annoying fast. Thunder’s a bigger man than me...Ha! Way bigger matter of fact but not matter of pack because Wil B. Packin, Ha! As any of the lovely ladies, packed in my Mercedes, window rolled down in the mid-80’s. What? Is that someone else’s line?
< Cutting Edge’s Music Plays >
Man, I’m having fun. Well, it’s time for a singles match. Making his way to the ring, the man that the last time you saw him in the ring, looked like a bum who hadn’t eaten in a week and the last time I saw him he looked like a bum in front of a Piggly Wiggly who hadn’t eaten in a week, wait, It was him! Ha! It’s the homeless, the hungry, it’s...Cashless Clayton!
< Nathan “Unique” Taylor’s Music Plays >
His opponent, one of S.A.W.’s lingo lyrist, the mat magician, the tattooed technician, it’s...Nathan “Unique” Taylor!
< Match - Unique vs Cashless Clayton - Cashless seemed game to start the match but tired very quickly, within the first three minutes of the match. After a simple punch to the face, Cashless went down and appeared seriously hurt. Unique is stunned and the ref checks on Clayton, who tries to get up, but staggers and falls again. Unique had started to come at him but the ref cuts him off again and backs Unique into a neutral corner. Unnoticed by everyone in the ring is a man who climbed over the railing. It’s the man who hit Unique before with a chair, costing him a match. The man hits Cashless, who was using the ropes to get up, with a steel chair. Unique sees it and tries to get the ref to turn around but the ref thinks Unique is trying to trick him to get a free shot at the disoriented Cashless. The ref turns around only to see security escorting the man away. Cashless motionless. The ref counts to ten and calls the match, giving the win to Unique. >
It’s that guy again! Maybe he was telling Unique the truth when he said he was trying to help him during his fatal four way match a few shows ago, but who the hell is he? He’s not on the roster. I don’t recognize him. He’s not part of S.A.W. and Unique said he didn’t know him. What in the world is going on? Man, you gotta keep a score card to keep track of all the happenings here at S.A.W. All this and we haven’t even had a Pay Per View yet. Crazy. Well anyways, this week’s Cutting Edge is being brought to you by Immigration Burger. Stop in for our “one man canoe express menu” and try our Polish Cheeseburger combo and get free one of our three “Well, I’ll be Saddam-ed” collectible cups, featuring a picture of either Sadaam or his sons with a bull eye's on their face. Collect’um, Capture’em, use em for target practice, but you gotta catch’em all! Hey, whatever floats your canoe. Immigration Burger, the best burgers in the free world.
Ha! I still can’t get over that concept. Polish Cheeseburger? It doesn’t even have cheese! Ha!
< Bobby Rich’s Music Plays >
Oh man, it’s time for another Rich family tough love match and this one is gonna be just that, tough! Here he comes, dead...man...walking...the green mile. The disgruntled Americas champion, it’s...Bobby Rich!
Making his way to the ring, aka execution, Ha! The man behind the man or in front of the man, depending on where the groupies are. Entering the ring, the big Double C, it’s...Crowd Control!
< Match - Bobby Rich vs Crowd Control - Non title match - Bobby was hopping up and down in place as CC entered the ring. The same anger he had displayed during his earlier interview, he tries to take out CC before the bell rung. He managed to back the big fella into a corner with several punches until CC grabs him by the throat and slams him into the corner he was just in. He nails Bobby with two big right hands, the second sending Bobby over the top rope. Bobby re-groups and charges CC after re-entering the ring and ducks a big boot attempt. He punches the big guy but these blows seem to have little effect, and another big right by CC drops Bobby again. CC then lifts Bobby and Irish whips him into a corner so hard that when his back hits he drops like a sack of potatoes. Bobby manages to stand only to receive the “Move the Crowd” choke slam finisher. CC wins by pin fall. >
Well, it could have been worse. You gotta give him credit or call him stupid, which ever you believe fits, for taking the action to Crowd Control. I wouldn't have, but misplaced anger will do that to you every time. Ha!
< Backstage - Tex’s Office >
Te
x is pacing back and forth, the DDB’s are both seated on a couch and Rick is sitting in his usual chair, but with Cyn Cash pampering him.
Tex asks with anger and concern in his voice, “You don’t know who jumped you? C’mon son, you gotta have a clue.”
Rick opens his mouth like he’s gonna speak, when Cyn interjects, “He already said it felt like several people and you know it had to take many men to subdue poor ol’ Ricky. Plus, he said they used a blanket or something.” Rick smiles as she rubs his neck.
Tex shakes his head, “I have a feeling I know who did this.”
Rick stands up and starts to say something, when Tex answers him, “Well, if you must go get water, take someone with you.”
Rick nods in agreement. Cyn volunteers and they head off. On their way there, the mysterious woman in a “Rick Rules” shirt stands in their path.
“Rick, I knew you were tough and have that desire we need. I need you, Rick,” says the lady. Rick, who’s still bandaged up, looks puzzled.
Cyn says, “Look lady. I don’t know who you think you are, but you need to find you own man. Rick’s taken,” she pulls him close, which makes his look even more puzzled. Cyn continues, “So you need to take...”
“Silence, inferior excuse of a woman!” says the woman as she steps toward Cyn, who backs up, then walks off hastily.
Turning her attention back to Rick, “Good, now we’re alone, Rick. I told you before, I could sense your deep dark desires, your desires are the same as mine. We need you.”
Rick mouths, “We?”
The woman steps close, which backs Rick up against the wall, “Tell me, Rick, that you don’t sense it. You know you do.”
An awkward moment of silence is broken by Cyn yelling, “There she is!”
Cyn’s accompanied by security, started that direction.
The lady says, “I will be back for your answer,” then steps down a side hall. When Cyn and security arrive, she asks Rick if he’s okay, and security looks down the hall but there’s no sign of the “Rick Rules” woman.
What’s really going on? Is she looking for a father for her rugrats or something? I mean, we have fans attacking wrestlers, wresters getting attacked by who knows who or what, and now obsessed fans getting backstage. What kind of security do we have here? Keystone Kops? Ha! Well, at least Cynthia proved she has no backbone at all. Well, besides that her nickname was already ‘Bendy Cindy.’ Ha! Seriously, she backed down from that lady faster than a bulimic backs away from seconds. Well, we are one week and one more show after this one, from our first ever pay per view, Buzz S.A.W., live from San Antonio, and here are the matches confirmed so far.
Bobby Rich vs Raoul the Latin Lover for the Americas championship. The Dollar Dollar Bills will finally defend their world tag team titles against Flaming Desire. The main event will be DeMarco “The Stud” Jackson defending his world heavyweight championship against the owner of S.A.W.’s son, the number one contender, Rick Rich. Later, I will inform you of the other matches as soon as they are announced. We’re about to take a commercial break and as soon as we get back, we’ll have Nat McMiller, Boogie Down Brown, the DDB’s and a whole bunch more.
< Commercial Break >
A massive, muscular black man is standing in front of a decked out Caprice on nice gold rims. The man, sporting a wife beater tank top, huge platinum chain and matching Rolex says, “Yo, this is Big Earl and I’m with Pimps R Us. In case you called us for our special, two hoes, two pieces of chicken, and a biscuit, you missed it. This week's special is two hoes, two forty’s, and two hours for only $299, that’s right, all that homie for only two ninety nine.”
“Wondering ‘bout how good the bitc...damn political correctness! I mean the hoes are? Just take a look at these dime pieces.” He looks to the left and yells, “Move it hoes!” Ten beautiful scantly clothed women parade across in front of the car and out the other side of the screen, as a song blares with the words, “Hoochie Mamma!”
The music still plays but lower, “See, what we have to offer? You can trust me on that. I’ve taste tested the product and it’s damn good. So call us at Pimps R Us. The pager number is 1-555-PIMP-R-US. This has been Big Earl, saying Pimps up, hoes down!”
Only $299? I don’t think so. Wil don’t pay a fee for what Wil can get for free. Ha! Hot damn! They did have some good looking whores there. Hey, is “whores” politically correct? Hope so, but they can’t compare with the lady I was with last night. I got into my limo and there was this lady. I don’t know how she got in, but I know how I got in, if you know what I mean, whoa! Ha! She had a bucket of ice, portable blow-dryer, a dozen donuts, and seven rubber bands, right? Then she took...what?! Oh man, right at the good part we have to go backstage to the bad part, Cynthia Cash. Well, she’s standing by with the Dollar Dollar Bills. Oh brother, ruined my story again.
< Backstage >
Cynthia is standing with the DDB’s. She pleads, “Wil, please, not tonight. Don’t you understand the stress I’ve been under today? I mean my Ricky gets attacked, then I almost have to slap the taste out of that tramp’s mouth. I’ve had a tough day.”
Big Tyme says sympathetically, “It’s okay Cyn, calm down.”
Big Shot agrees, “Yeah, everything will be okay, just hang in there.”
Cyn wipes away some tears, “Thanks, you guys, you guys are great,” she smiles.
Big Tyme says, “Yeah, we know it. That’s why we shouldn’t have to fight Flaming Desire.”
Big Shot continues, “Because we are too great of a team to be in the ring with two of the most panty waist wrestlers to ever suit up.”
Big Tyme snaps, “Hey Bill! That was below the belt!”
“You mean like giving a woman a low blow?”
“Yeah!”
“Then that should mean that they’ll be okay. It couldn’t hurt them that much then, right.”
They both laugh and Cyn smiles but adds, “You two better realize that those two are men, men to be reckoned with.”
Big Shot says, “Whoa!”
Big Tyme follows his lead trying not to laugh, “Men?”
DDB’s start laughing again and so does Cyn, she asks, “So, you two aren’t worried one bit?”
“Why should we? Just look at us.”
“Then take a big look at them.”
“Get it?”
“Got it!”
Whoa-men? Ha! Very funny guys, but we’ll have to wait until Buzz S.A.W. to see who’ll be laughing last. Flaming Desire is as good of a team as there is today. They work so smoothly together, kinda like lubricated parts. Ha! Sorry, couldn’t resist that one. Well, they’re not here at the show tonight. I wonder if they think we think, oh who cares, we got some real ladies to talk about.
< Cutting Edge’s Music Plays >
Here comes the first lovely lady in this woman’s singles match. The five foot six cutie with a whole lot of booty, it’s....Jules Sweeny! Wait, Jewels swinging? Ha!
< Nat McMiller’s Music Plays >
Here she comes, the highest flying, what? I ain’t lying and there’s no denying, the one who’s always grinning cause she’s always winning. It’s...Nat McMiller!
< Match - Nat McMiller vs Jules Sweeny- A very fast pace match with Jules landing several moves before Nat took over after countering a suplex attempt with a snap suplex of her own. She lands a quick elbow drop then picks her up, slams her, setting her up for “McMiller Time” finisher for the victory.>
I’m still amazed every time I see her fly off the top rope like that for McMiller Time. Impressive! I hope we get more lady wrestlers soon, so we can have a women’s title. Also, cause Wil loves legs! And on that subject of loving the ladies. Mike Stopsign is standing by with a man who loves the ladies too, but in his own mind they love him more. Stopsign is standing by with Raoul. Take it away.
< Backstage >
Mike Stopsign is standing next to Raoul. “So Raoul, how do you feel that your one on one title shot with Bobby Rich at Buzz S.A.W. migh
t become a three way dance instead, if Rage can beat The Stud tonight?”
“How do you think I would feel? How would you feel?”
Taken off guard by being questioned himself, Stopsign responds, “Well...um, upset, nervous, and concerned.”
“Well, that’s what the normal man might feel, but I’m Raoul the Latin Lover, and I fear no man. Didn’t I promise I would win the title? I did and I will. Mike, you stated nervous, concerned? Why should I be? I have proven not once, but twice, I can beat that meat head Rage in and out of the ring, and who cares about The Stud, S.A.W.’s second sexiest man? Not I. Raoul only cares about himself and the ladies. Now leave, me Jell-o boy, while I let the ladies get a peek at perfection.”
Mike looks wounded by that comment. Raoul slowly open his robe exposing his well-developed abs. He quickly shut it back, “Enough for today. Don’t want to have the emergency rooms packed during war time.”
Talk about being full of himself. Just wait until Rage gets a hold of him, he’ll be full of Rage’s boot. That takes some nerve saying in the same breath that he guarantees a victory at the Pay Per View and that The Stud is second sexiest to him. That mouth is gonna get him in trouble very soon. Well, it’s time for another great match, BDB versus Mean Mike Ford.
< Mean Mike’s Music Plays >
Coming to the ring, the man who will face KaBoom in what should turn out to be S.A.W.’s most brutal match ever. Angry, temperamental, furious, or just downright...Mean Mike Ford!
< BDB’s Music Plays >
His opponent, making his way to the ring, the moving and grooving, the reverse Oreo, whoa! Watch me now! ...it’s James “Boogie Down” Brown!
< Match - BDB vs Mean Mike - Mean Mike attacks BDB while he was doing his pre-match dance for the crowd, but BDB manages to fight back and send Mean Mike to the arena floor and followed with a flying cross body outside the ring. Then does a quick little hip dance while Mean Mike is outside the ring. Once both are back in the ring, the match goes pretty evenly until BDB tries to dance over Mean Mike who plants a foot to his groin. He continues to pummel BDB and seems close to finishing him off, when KaBoom’s music comes on. KaBoom walks out on the backstage ramp and stands there smiling at Mean Mike, who stands in the ring, facing him and yelling at KaBoom. BDB came up behind him, locks on “Boogie Down Night’s” sleeper, pulling Mean Mike to the center of the ring and gained the submission victory. >
Oh man! I guess pay back is fair game. Only weeks ago, Mean Mike Ford cost KaBoom a big match against The Stud and now KaBoom cost Mike a match. He’s not gonna be happy about this when he gathers himself, but remember what Tex said earlier, they can’t touch each other, oh this is gonna be fun! Ha! He just got screwed and can’t do anything about it until the Pay Per View. Oh well, now that they’re out of the ring and backstage, it’s time for our main event match.
< Rage’s Music Plays >
Well, this match might not be for the title, but it is for a chance at a match at the Pay Per View and another chance at Raoul for this man. Making his way to the ring by his usual unusual way from somewhere in the crowd. There he is, it’s the obsessed, the raging...Rage!
< The Stud’s Music Plays >
There he is fans, S.A.W.’s heavyweight championship for the world, accompanied by his bodyguard Crowd Control, the one the fans and the ladies love, no it’s not me, it’s...DeMarco “The Stud” Jackson!
< Match - Stud vs Rage - Non Title match - Rage looks like his typical fired up self and The Stud looks like his usual confident self. This match was full of ooh’s and ah’s and both men put out their best efforts, with both being unable to gain the upper hand for more than a couple of moves, until Rage ducks a wild punch by The Stud and grabs The Stud from behind and lands an atomic drop. As The Stud walks around holding his rump, he’s grabbed by the hair and Rage lands his finisher “Migraine.” Rage raises his hands in victory, then pins The Stud, who barely kicks out before the three count to the surprise of Rage and the crowd. Rage gets up and starts yelling at the ref. He returns back to The Stud and lifts him, and The Stud fires back with right hands staggering Rage. The Stud takes a step back and tries his “Light’s Out” finisher which Rage ducks but when he turns around he’s nailed by The Stud’s second finisher attempt. The Stud pins him but Rage kicks out right before three. Now, The Stud can’t believe it. As The Stud stands, Rage does also and starts shaking and breathing heavy like he was when he was angry earlier backstage. The Stud punches him a few times but they seem to have no effect, Rage charges The Stud into a corner and does the crowd pleasing ten punch. When he steps down, he goes to the center of the ring, charges and leaps at The Stud dangling in the corner. The Stud moves at the last second. Rage slams into the turnbuckle head first and bounces off landing sprawled out on the matt. The Stud climbs to the top turnbuckle and lands his other finisher “Show’s Over” top rope elbow smash for the 1, 2, 3 victory.>
Do I need to say it? Oh yes, I do! The Stud wins! The Stud wins! The Stud wins! What a solid performance. I just hope it didn’t take too much out of The Stud before Buzz S.A.W. Well, that’s it for tonight, fans. One show left, then Buzz S.A.W. our first Pay Per View and of course, I’ll see you at both. This has been a S.A.W. presentation of the Cutting Edge. I’m Wil B. Creamin. God Bless, drive careful, be careful, love ya!
S.A.W. Book 1 Chapter 8 (The Final Cut)
Welcome ladies and germs, man, ain’t that an old one? Ha! Anyways, welcome everybody to S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling as we present The Final Cut live from Three Wives Stadium here in Ophir Town, Tooele County, in Utah. We are sold out at one of the best stadiums in the world, why that’s mighty bigotry, I mean mighty big of me. Ha! But seriously fans, thanks for coming out and tuning in to our very last show before Buzz S.A.W. our first P. P. V. ever, coming to you live from the Blamamo Bowl in San Antonio. At our last show, Rage had a chance to assure his Buzz S.A.W. appearance and to be part of history and all he had to do was beat The Stud. Yep beat The Stud, that’s all. Yeah right! It was a great match and he did make history. The only person to survive “Light’s Out.” While the situation between Mean Mike Ford and KaBoom only seems to be worsening, finally Tex laid down the law. They can’t get physical with each other or they’ll lose their chance at each other at Buzz S.A.W. So we’ll have to see what happens tonight, because last show KaBoom cost Mean Mike a match versus James “Boogie Down” Brown. So tonight is gonna be interesting to say the least, because both men are here tonight.
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
Well, here comes the owner of S.A.W., Tex and his clique. It’s Tex, it’s Rick, it’s The Dollar Dollar Bills, it’s...Rich Inc!
< In the Ring>
Rich Inc stands in the middle of the ring, Tex has a mic, “I’m on top of the world!” He hollers like a wolf, the rest of Rich Inc gets a kick out of it.
“Yes, this is the final show before the big day, and since we are so close to that historical day, all the people involved in the title matches will have the night off, with the exception of Rick and The Stud. Of course, this is simply to make sure they are in tip top form, but don’t you worry, all the S.A.W. superstars are here and we will still have a great main event tonight. I guar-ran-dam-tee-it!”
Tex does a Texan holler, “Man, I’m so excited!” The DDB’s are applauding Tex’s energy, while Rick gives a slight grin. “Tonight’s main event will be two wrestlers from our last two main events, Boggie Down Brown and Rage versus KaBoom and Mean Mike Ford. If KaBoom and Mean Mike don’t play fair, good bye pay per view match.”
He looks over at the DDB’s, “This should make for good entertainment.” Rich Inc nods in agreement.
Now with an intense look and serious tone, Tex continues, “Also, Buzz S.A.W. security will be beefed up to help assure that those freaks, that I noticed some of you fan call Dark Corners, will not be able to ruin any more matches. No one is gonna ruin this day. No one! Now hit our music!”
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays>
<
br /> Dark Corners? Kinda has a good feel to it. While speaking about a good feeling to it, I can tell you one thing that doesn’t, KaBoom and Mean Mike as a tag team. Come on now, that’s just wrong, but it should make for good entertainment. Ha! Tonight, the best entertainment will be with Wil, cause tonight I will be doing interviews. Yes, the Wil-ster will be interviewing those two madmen KaBoom and Mean Mike, and also Karrie! Oh yeah, and her brothers the Varsity All-Stars too. Wondering why I’m doing the interviews? Well, it’s because of Simon getting canned, so until we hire a new interviewer, I’ll be helping out.
< Backstage >
Nathan “Unique” Taylor, sitting in his dressing room stands up suddenly as his mystery stalker and self-proclaimed friend opens the door and walks in.
“Hey Nathan, how’s it going?” the man addresses Unique as if they were good friends. Unique simply looks at him.
“Vacate the premise,” Unique replies coldly.
“But I saved your life before.”
“Clouting me with a chair is not what I would call life-saving.”
“No, no, no. Way before that. That was an accident. Now I saved your life when you were just a little boy. Six to be exact. Over in Wyoming.”
“I’ve never been to Wyoming,” Unique says in the still dry tone.
“Well, you didn’t live there, no one lives there. For crying out loud, it’s Wyoming after all. That’s just where the plane crashed.”
“I’ve never been in a plane crash either.”
Security walks in and grabs the visitor.
“Come on, let’s go buddy,” says Steve, the head of security. As they are escorting the man out, he yells, “I’m telling you the truth. I would never lie to you. You’re like a son to me! You want proof? I’ll bring proof! I’ll bring proof!”
The security team drags the reluctant man away.
Talk about loons, we got em, yes that’s right. Loons for sale! Come get your loons for sale! Ha! I wouldn’t be surprised if we actually have a sponsor with loons for sale, they seem to be advertising everything else. Women’s natural juices, whoa! Hey, who was that guy? Saved Nathan as a child, yet he doesn’t remember it? Hmmm...
< Final Cut’s Music Plays >
Well enough of that, it’s time for a match. Coming to the ring is a team that is more of contrast than David Duke at the Million Man March. It’s the good ol country boy, that’s trailer country, of course, it’s...Charles Choker! His partner is the Latin Loon, the Mexican Marvel, it’s...The Flying Jalapeno!
< Rockstars Music Plays >
Their opponents, the team that auditioned for that one 80’s show by accident, they were driving by and thought it was a party. Ha! It’s Rad Brad and Far Out Phil...The Rockstars!
< Match - Rockstars versus The Flying Jalapeno and Charles Choker - Choker started the match and managed to keep the match competitive until he missed a clothesline attempt and is dropkicked in the knee. Phil makes the tag and Brad flies into the ring as Choker tagged out. Brad is nailed by a flying spinning round house kick by the Flying Jalapeno who had just tagged in, manages to keep them off balance with several leaping kicks, but Brad wasn’t as hurt as the Flying J believed. He comes up and grabs him from behind when he was about to tag. Brad executes a perfect high arch back drop. Brad jumps up and dropkicks Choker off the ring apron, then both of the Rockstars climb separate top ropes and lands their finisher, “Chart Buster” for the victory. >
< Dollar Dollar Bills Music Plays >
What now? What could the DDB’S want? To wrestle the Rockstars now that they’re tired? Come on, now! Well, here they come and they look upset. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, they claim the Rockstars are using their move. Well, the Rockstars, look ready for another fight.
< Ring Ramp and In the Ring >
The Rockstars are still in the ring, gathering their wind. Big Shot Bill says, “I can’t believe right before Buzz S.A.W. they had the audacity.”
Big Tyme Billy repeats, “The audacity!”
“To use our move, Stock Market Crash!”
Big Tyme adds with a tone of fake sympathy, “I understand that they want to be like us, since they don’t have a match at the pay per view...”
“...and since imitation is the best form of flattery.”
“How about we imitate a beat down and flatten you?!”
The DDB’s start toward the ring and the RS prepare for a fight.
< Flaming Desires Music Plays >
What now?! Well, it appears coming on, I mean from the back. Ha! It’s Frances and Greg ....Flaming Desire!
“Oh no, you’re not!” yells Frances.
“You two are not gonna risk hurting yourselves before we get a shot at those belts,” adds Greg.
“Who the hell do you two think you are?!” yells Big Tyme from mid-ramp.
“We’re Flaming Desire and if we have to manhandle you two and take you backstage, we will.” Greg lifts two sets of handcuffs.
“Well boys...?” asks Frances with a smile.
The Rockstars are now laughing in the ring, along with the crowd.
Big Tyme mumbles, “Man?”
Big Shot mumbles, “Handles?”
“Handcuffs?”
The DDB’s look at each other as FD starts down the ramp, “Hold it! Hold it! Okay, we’ll leave,” says Big Shot.
Big Tyme turns toward the ring as they head up the ramp, “Hey Rockstars, this is not over!”
“Not by a long shot!” adds Big Shot.
Flaming Desire parts as the DDB’s walk in between them towards backstage.
Handcuffs? Wow! I’m surprised that they weren’t fluffy with pink trim, Ha! I can’t believe that they were gonna try to handcuff two grown men. Wait! Actually, it’s Flaming Desire, so I can believe it. What I can’t believe is that the Dollar Dollar Bills are still getting upset over that move. Hell, it’s not like they wrestle anyways. Here we are heading into our first pay per view, a month into our on air existence and our tag team champions have yet to fight in a regular tag team match. So who’s really to blame?
Well anyways, coming into the announce booth with me, which kinda make the Wil-ster a little uneasy. What am I talking about, I’m always easy! Ha! Well, not as easy as Cynthia. That would be like comparing Janett Reno with Vanessa Del Rios, ouch! Anyways, I’m joined by two men who will go head to head in a last man standing match at Buzz S.A.W., but tonight they must put their differences aside. Mean Mike, KaBoom how’s it hanging?
Mean Mike says, “How you think it is? I’m forced to wrestle as a partner with my worst enemy and a complete loser!”
KaBoom gets in Mike’s face and smiles a sinister grin, “How your ribs feeling?”
“The same way your face is gonna be feeling after the Pay Per View!”
Boys, calm down! This is a non-jacking booth, so don’t be jacking up the tudes in here, cause Wil ain’t having it. This is my first interview and don’t blow it either. I’m not Simon!
Both men don’t seem to be listening to Wil. Mean Mike says, “I’m gonna put you on the shelf, like you did me!”
“You think so? Huh? KaPoww, boy!”
They start shoving each other.
Yo boys, the shows over, you’re both out of quarters, cause there isn’t ten cents of brains between the both of you. So get out of my booth and you two better hear this! No one will have a chance at nothing, if you two don’t chill out.
They both look at each other with vicious intent, then walk off in separate directions.
Phew! For a minute, I thought something was gonna blow in my booth. No pun intended. Time for a commercial.
< Commercial Break>
A tall red headed man in a cheap checked suit stands in the parking lot, outside in front of a family restaurant.
“Hi,” says the man. “I’m Matt Smith, owner of Matt Smith’s Food on a Stick family restaurant and this weekend will be the grand opening of Food on a Stick. Quick, follow me inside.”
The next scene, the camera sh
ows Mr. Smith standing in front of a counter with a register on top of it. “Here at Food on a Stick, we are cutting edge and we are stepping full bore into the twenty first century...or twentieth or twenty second, whatever it is, you know what I mean. Here at Food on a Stick, every eatable item will come on a stick. Can you believe it?! Everything on a stick! Just look at our menu.”
Matt points up at the red board with green lettering. “Just take a look at these kooky, dope ideas, man! Meat, potatoes, and veggies on a stick. You get to choose the meat and veggies. Corn on a stick, no need to burn your fingers while enjoying delicious corn and my personal favorite, which I just know you’ll enjoy. Ice cream on a stick! Can you believe it?! Ice cream on a stick! Also, we got thirty flavors to choose from! Not ten, not twenty, but thirty flavors!”
So you just gotta come on down to Matt Smith’s, that’s me! Food on a Stick Family Restaurant located in Wouldbee City, off the corner of Eighth and D Street. See you this weekend.
< Backstage >
Inside Flaming Desire’s dressing room stand Frances, Gregory, and Mike Stopsign. Spread out on a table is a picnic style blanket complete with several baskets, a punch bowl, napkins, and various condiments. Frances is manning a Foreman style grill, while Gregory is looking through one of the baskets. Both seem oblivious to Mike Stopsign standing by with a mic.
“Well, Flaming Desire, what exactly were you trying to accomplish by bringing handcuffs and stopping the Dollar Dollar Bills from fighting with the Rockstars?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. We want those titles and since every week they seem to have a new excuse of why they aren’t defending the titles, we don’t want them having any excuses come Buzz S.A.W.”
Frances adds, “Plus, Tex gave us all the night off. Also we, me and Gregory both, know how to enjoy a night off, with a picnic!”
Gregory interrupts, “Frances, I think you forgot to pack the buns.”
“How could I forget to pack the buns? Here let me check.” He looks though the baskets.
Mike asks, “You two seem mighty relaxed right before the Pay Per View, aren’t you two nervous at all?”
They don’t seem to be paying attention, then the realization of the missing buns sink in.
Frances snaps, “Darn it!”
Then they both look and say at the same time, “Hey do you got buns for our wieners?”
Then both look at each other and laugh at the fact that they said the exact same thing at the same time.
Feeling extremely uncomfortable, Mike says, “ Um...no, sorry, can’t help you with that, but um...anyways, I do need to get going, other things, yeah other things.”
Again Flaming Desire says at the same time, “Ta ta,” then immediately they look at each other and laugh. Mike unnoticeably leaves the room.
Oh brother! Buns for their wieners, huh? Good luck, guys, Wil can tell you right now, sorry for ya! How could either one of those two forget buns? Ha! Man, I’m laughing so hard, I can barely speak. Oh man, those two are just great! Well, while I gain my composure, I guess we are gonna eavesdrop in on Gaby’s gossip, but doesn’t that make us as bad as her? Hmmm...
< Backstage >
Gaby is on a pay phone in a hallway talking to someone. “Yo girls, for reals? Really? He’s how big? Whoa girl! I might have to check that out.”
As Gaby gabs, Nat McMiller walks up unnoticed, that is until she hangs up the phone by pushing down the phone’s resting lever.
“Hello?” Gaby turns toward Nat who still has her finger on the lever.
“What do you think you are doing?! I don’t know who the hell you think you are!”
Even though Gaby is near yelling, Nat’s charming smile never leaves, “I’m Nat McMiller and I’ve never been a man. I’m all woman and proud of it.”
“Well, that’s what I had heard, so there!”
“So that’s what you heard, huh? Well, you know what I heard? I heard you got a big mouth that needs a matching big fat lip.”
Gaby looks appalled that she’s being talked to like this. Nat continues, “I also heard you’re on the S.A.W. roster as a wrestler too.”
The crowd’s cheers can be heard even backstage.
Gaby starts to talk, “Well, I’m not wrestling...” when Nat puts her hand in her face in a “halt” motion, “I don’t know if you heard but...I don’t take no for an answer.”
Nat starts nailing Gaby with right hands, then grabs her by her hair and starts to lead her down to the ring head first. The crowd erupts in cheers as the two appear from backstage.
Once at the ring, Nat delivers a forearm shot, then rolls Gaby into the ring. Nat lands a running clothesline when Gaby stands and then another one. Ivana, in a warm up suit, runs down to the ring and clotheslines Gaby. Ivana looks at Nat and then motions for her to climb the turnbuckle for her finisher. Nat smiles and does climb as Ivana lifts Gaby and slams her, setting her up for “McMiller Time” flying top rope leg drop, which she nails with perfection.
Ivana stands next to Nat when she stands up and lifts her hand in victory. While Nat is displaying that perfect smile, Ivana delivers an unexpected forearm to the back of Nat’s head. The crowd erupts with boos as Ivana puts the boots to Nat.
Ivana climbs the top turnbuckle and awaits the staggering Nat to rise. Once she does, she’s nailed by Ivana’s “A2F” missile drop kick. Ivana raises both arms in a sign of victory amidst the boos.
Oh, that was a straight chump move! Pretended she was on her side until Nat turned around. I know a lot of women usually complain that other women are backstabbers but what about backstage bashers? Wait, that might be more appropriate for Flaming Desire. Ha! Naw seriously, all jokes aside, that was pretty messed up but hey, this is professional wrestling, right? While on that subject of messed up, I’m pretty sure that the Brooklyn Bombers thought what happened to them when they arrived here at the arena earlier was messed up. Here, let’s check out that footage now.
< Pre - Recorded > < Backstage Entrance >
The security team is stationed by the door where the wrestlers come in. Bobby Rich walks through the door. “Hello Mr. Rich,” says Steve, the head of the security team.
“Hey Steve, how’s it going?”
“Not too bad, Mr. Rich, not too bad at all.”
Bobby continues past.
“It’s a damn shame how Tex is treating that boy,” says Steve to the other members of the security team. They nod in agreement. One of the team members says, “Heads up. Here comes trouble.”
The Brooklyn Bombers approach the doorway talking loud, their normal manner.
The security team cuts them off, blocking the door.
Bruno yells, “What the hell are you doing? Move the hell out of the way punks!”
“Sorry fellows, but Tex says you guys are banned from the show as punishment and also for the safety of the other wrestlers. Since you guys are suspected of jumping Rick last week in a non-scheduled event.”
“What?! We didn’t touch that punk!” yells Bruno.
The remaining Bombers yell in unison, “Yeah!”
The rest of security steps toward the Brooklyn Bombers, along with some local cops who the BB’s didn’t notice.
Steve says, “Sorry, guys but that’s my orders. Not to let any of you in the building this show.”
“What about the pay-per-view? Who we supposed to fight?”
“Yeah!”
“Tex told me to inform you, Bruno, that you will be facing James “Boogie Down” Brown at the pay per view but that’s all he said,” said Steve.
Bruno looks conflicted between the good news that he’ll get his hands on BDB and the bad news that his fellow Bombers look to be left out, “Fine, we’re outta here punks !”
“Yeah!”
The BB’s walk away from the building.
Hey, I thought it was them behind the attack too, but I didn’t want to spread rumors and from the look of things it’s a good thing I didn’t, just look at what happened to Gaby earlier tonight. You gotta b
e careful what you say and about whom nowadays. So the Brooklyn Bombers won’t be here tonight in any capacity, in case you cared, I don’t. And as they like to say around here, those guys are good for entertainment, but you would never catch us kicking it after the show. Speaking of kicking it with, it’s time to announce the last two lucky winners of a pair of all expense paid round trip tickets to S.A.W’s first ever pay per view, Buzz S.A.W. The lucky winners are Drew P. Tataz and Erick Shawns. Congrats gentleman.
< Final Cut’s Music Plays >
Well it’s back to work and time to get ready for one of two of Tex’s pay per view main event warm up matches. Coming to the ring, a man who’s not involved in the Buzz S.A.W’s main event. A man who needs to get involved with a food bank. He’s broke and can’t fix it, it’s ... Cashless Clayton!
< Rich Inc’s Music Plays >
His opponent, our Heavyweight champion’s opponent in the main event at Buzz S.A.W. The quiet, the strong, the silent, it’s .... Rick Rich!
< Match - Cashless Clayton vs Rick Rich - Cashless seemed to have more energy than his last few matches, but not much more, and a determined and focused Rick was just too much for him. If his attacks was compared to fireworks, it consisted solely of sparklers. After executing a snap suplex, Rick lifts him up and ends the match with his finisher, “A little R & R” sleeper. >
Well, at least he seemed a little more game than he was the last few times we’ve seen him. Speaking of games, you need to check out S.A.W.’s wrestling collectible trading card game! Its due out after the pay per view, but all the lucky ones in attendance of Buzz S.A.W. will be receiving a special edition foil card of one of their favorite S.A.W superstars! Everyone with a ticket will get one, no limited supplies here, baby! While on the subject of giving stuff away free, we are headed to an interview with a female who gives her stuff away for free. Cynthia Cash is standing by. Take her away, doctor, I mean take it away, Ha!
Cyn is standing by with Rage and BDB, “Yeah whatever, jerk! By the way, it’s Cyn, short for Cynthia.”
Rage apparently thought she was talking to him. He turns violently toward her, “What?!”
BDB realizes this and interjects, “Yo chill, R-man, she be worth no mo than a wet counterfeit food stamp, dawg, strait stank-tosis to the non g factor home slice.”
“What’d you say about me?!” apparently more worried by what she believes to be an insult than the bodily harm Rage is capable of doing to anyone, her particularly.
Rage slowly backs off and says, “Do the interview and hurry up with it! I don’t have time for this!”
Cyn snaps at him, “Well it’s your loss, not mine.”
“Look Ho-ro-shima. We be havin a big time match tonight, aight? Here in da Square! It be fo dem peeps out there, baby baby. Rage and BDB gonna be so so def, ya feel me?”
Rage suddenly and unexpectedly yells, “Interview’s over!” He walks off.
“Yeah peace out, skank-berry.” says BDB as he follows suit.
Cyn looks dead into the camera, “See what you started, Wil! No one respects me now. Damn you!”
Damn me? Man you haven’t been respected since you got them infected just for being erected, Ha! So don’t put that blame on me. That’s like an abuser yelling at the victim, “Look what you made me do.” You got the problem, not Big Wil, the real deal, the true thrill, the ‘tell your momma about me and I bet she’ll squeal’ Wil. Anyways, time for a real, high-quality interview. Perfect timing too, welcome to the announce booth, Karrie!....oh yeah, and her brothers also.
The trio all give some kind of greeting.
Well, I see you brought those two with you Karrie. I’m glad to see them.
The male Keeble’s say “Thanks.”
Uh? I wasn’t talking about you two boobs. I was talking about her two boobies. Ha!
Karrie pulls up the top of her shirt in attempt to eliminate chest exposure but it barely helped.
Chad says, “What? You can’t talk about our sister like that!”
Actually I wasn’t talking about her, just her chee-chee’s.
Brad says, “Who do you think you are, talking to us like this?”
I’m Wil B Creamin and to be like me, keep dreaming and just who do you two think you are?
Brad started to answer, “Well we.....”
So Karrie, how do you like S.A.W. so far?
Brad seems visibly distraught about being cut off. Chad comes to his defense, “Hey, you just can’t cut him off. What’s...”
So Karrie, how much do you like me so far?
Chad is now infuriated and walks off as Brad follows suit. Both men seem to be pouting like small children.
“See what you did? Boys, calm down, it’s gonna be okay!” Karrie gives chase.
Hey! Call me! Hope she heard me, she’s hot and she can pamper me any day. Damn it, time for a commercial. Actually that gives me time to fantasize about those chee-chee’s. See you in two!
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All of Rich Inc are stationed in their usual post in Tex’s office. The DDB’s are sitting on the couch telling jokes back and forth.
Big Shot Bill says amidst their hearty laughter, “Ok, ok, my turn. There was this guy sitting in a bar when his best friend who he hasn’t seen in a while walks in, right? And he....”
Tex interrupts, “Shouldn’t you two be doing something more constructive than telling jokes? Don’t get me wrong boys, these are some great jokes, especially the one about the hooker, two bottles of rum, a ceiling fan and a foot stool, but shouldn’t you two be focusing on your pay-per-view match? I mean you two saw how focused Rick was earlier.”
Rick smiles and nods in agreement.
Big Tyme Billy says, “Well, Tex, we aren’t really fighting against anyone but those ass backwards two.”
Big Shot corrects him, “Don’t you mean ‘backwards and toward ass’ two?”
All of Rich Inc laughs.
“Naw, with those two um.....hot dog bun seekers, we aren’t worried.”
Tex laughs but says, “Good grief.”
Rick stands up. Tex says, “Well, if you need water that bad, Rick. Make
sure you take the Dollar Dollar Bills with you.”
The DDB’s look at each other trying to figure out when Rick mentioned getting water.
Big Shot says, “Anyways. Why we got to go with him? The Brooklyn Bombers aren’t even in the building.”
Rick nods in agreement with the DDB’s. Tex glares at the DDB’s, “You two lazy asses!”
Tex motions for Rick to go by himself. “Just hurry back, son, and be careful!”
Rick nods and exits.
As Rick walks down the hall, the mysterious Amazon like lady from the last few shows stops Rick again. He’s not as shocked as the first few times and has a slight smile until she yells at him, “You’re weak! Pathetic!”
Rick recoils against a wall.
“We were mistaken. You are nothing but a little boy sadly searching for something. That’s not evil, that’s fear!”
Rick’s eyes open wide and he looks prepared to receive a shot to the face from her, when suddenly her tone changes, yet her words are still as sharp. “Pathetic little man. You will never lead, coward. Step forward, do what your heart desires. We will never be one, but you will see me again. You and your family.”
She turns and walks away, leaving Rick speechless.
That strange lady is back? I guess the DDB’s should have gotten off their lazy butts. Well, at least nothing really bad happened to Rick. Well, that’s only if you don’t count the seventeen slaps to his manhood, ouch. Ha! The Dollar Dollar Bills seemingly pure laziness might actually hurt their chance of keeping those tag titles. Truth be told, we don’t actually know exactly how this mystery woman is affecting Rick. Or is it effecting? Oh, who cares. I’m just saying he’s was being stalked and now she seems to be angry and has even threatened his family. I wonder if that includes Bobby, too. Hmmm..... Well, we can stop wondering about what Mikeal thinks about S.A.W. He’s our most experienced wrestler here at S.A.W. We are about to get his thoughts on the pay-per view and things in general because he’s standing by with Mike Stopsign. Well, I wasn’t wondering but maybe someone out there was. Go ahead, Mike.
“Thank you, Wil. I’m Mike Stopsign and I’m standing by with a living legend and hopefully we are going to gain some insight on his thoughts about things going on here at S.A.W. So Mikeal, what do you think about our first month? Comments?”
Mikeal answers, “Yes, I think this company has potential. We have a lot of young stars who in a few years could headline at most of the other federations. Although, back in my heyday they couldn’t touch me.”
Stopsign says, “Ok. Sure. Well, with so many wrestlers here who have never even competed in a pay per view before, what can they expect and tell us briefly about your first pay-per view experience.”
“Well Mike, my first pay-per view was with the now defunct NWA.”
Astounded, Mike asks, “You mean the National Wrestling Association? The original home of most of the great legends of wrestling?”
“Um...no. It was the Nevada Wrestling All-Stars. Yep, we toured the Nevada casino circuit. I remember I was in the main event. It was called “The Thriller at the Rockefeller”. I think that place is now closed. Anyways, my opponent that night was Bobby “The Weazel” Chavez. A vicious character whose trademark was weasing like he was insane. That was a tough night too, because back in those days we sometimes wrestled five matches a night and....”
Un-ecstatically, Mike interrupts, “Um, remember this is only a two hour show.”
“Oh sorry. Man, those were the good old days. Well, you youngsters have a night to look forward to that you’ll never forget, win or lose.”
“Did you win?”
“Naw, the guy was just getting out of the pen, so they were trying to give him a push. Well, I did beat him in a rematch the next night.”
“That’s nice. Well thank you Mikeal, and that’s it’s for us for now. Let’s head back to Wil and some in ring action.”
Good thing he finished before we found out how soda pop used to cost a nickel back in his days. Let’s move forward to the present and to the present champ of S.A.W who is scheduled in this non-title match.
The Stud wins! Well, you only get one of those, since it’s not the main event. What’s up with Thunder not wanting to take advantage of an opportunity? It’s not like he’s the one who cheated. Right? You see The Stud took advantage of an opening and you already know Wil loves openings. Ha! Well, now that both competitors and escorts are heading backstage, Hmmmmm. I won’t go there, but since everyone is backstage, it’s time for the main event.
< James “Boogie Down” Brown’s music plays>
Man, the crowd loves this guy! He’s not even out from backstage and they erupted at the sound of his music. There he is. The dancing machine extreme, making his way to the ring, well, once he stops dancing. It’s James............Boogie Down Brown!
BDB’s partner for this main event tag team match. Coming through a crowd near you. Wow, he’s actually coming from backstage. Well, it’s the man who needs to be in a cage. It’s.......Rage!
Damn it! That person screaming for dear life in KaBoom’s entrance makes me jump almost every time. Anyways, making his way to the ring and on his way to Buzz S.A.W. if he can play right tonight, it’s the human dynamite, it’s......KaBoom!
Another man with extreme attitude, KaBoom’s partner tonight and opponent at Buzz S.A.W. The tough and rough or rough and tough, depending on how you wanna say it, it’s....Mean Mike Ford!
< Match - BDB and Rage vs KaBoom and Mean Mike Ford- As soon as Mean Mike arrived at ringside him and KaBoom both slide into the ring and attacked their opponents. One minute later they both find themselves outside the ring looking at each other thanks to BDB and Rage. They start arguing outside the ring about who is going to start the match. Finally, KaBoom rolls in to start. At first, BDB manages to keep KaBoom confused and frustrated with his antics and quick takedown moves but a low blow stops all the dancing around. KaBoom lands a few moves then grabs BDB by the hand holding him in place as he tags Mean Mike, who comes in delivering sledgehammer like attacks to BDB’s back. These two go at it for awhile with Mean Mike holding the edge until BDB lands a desperation leaping scissor kick, sending both men to the mat. Both men gather themselves slowly and crawl toward their respective corners for the tag. BDB dives and tags in Rage at the same time Mean Mike dove to tag KaBoom but at the last second KaBoom pulled away his hand, then drops of the ring apron and waves good bye with a evil, twisted grin. Mean Mike is shocked and starts yelling but is nailed from behind by an amp-ed up Rage who hadn’t gotten into the match yet. Rage was way too much for the disoriented Mean Mike who eventually falls victim to “Migraine”, Rage’s finisher, giving the team of Rage and BDB the victory.>
Rage wins! Boogie Down wins! Rage and BDB wins! Mean Mike Ford is gonna kill KaBoom! Well hopefully not literally, but who know with those two. Man, did he look mad. They are going to have a killer match, no pun intended. Are Dark Corners going to show up at the Buzz S.A.W.? Will Rick finally win the Heavyweight title? Will his stalker be there? Will the Dollar Dollar Bills finally defend the Tag Titles? Well, Wil will be there and so will you if you want the answers to those questions and tons of others, at Buzz S.A.W. live from the Blamamo Bowl. This has been another Sensational American Wrestling presentation. This is the Final Cut and this is Wil B Creamin, saying drive careful, be safe and God Bless. Big Wil is out. See you at Buzz S.A.W.
S.A.W. Book 1 Buzz S.A.W.
< Pre- Recorded >
A black stretch limo pulls into the underground parking garage of the Blamamo Bowl. The back right door opens when it comes to a stop and Tex Rich steps out and into the bright flashes of several cameras. He’s all grins, styling and profiling in a complete white tailored suit and holding his trademark Stetson hat. The grinning stops when he’s bombarded by several of S.A.W.’s wrestlers as they demand answers. So many wrestlers are talking at the same time that Tex has to motion for them to calm down.
&
nbsp; “What’s all this about?” he asks the small mob.
Karrie steps forward with her brothers behind her, “Why aren’t we on the card?”
Rage can be heard yelling from the back and out of plain sight, “Yeah, what gives!?”
Tex tries to calm the small crowd that’s starting to get rallied up again, “Calm down, it’s just a small oversight.”
Far Out Phil states, “Small oversight? This the biggest night in S.A.W.’s history and you call it a ‘small oversight’?” Dude, you’re like gone!”
Thunder steps in front of Phil blocking him out, “Tex, ain’t nothing small about this.”
Tex decides against taking a stab at Thunder’s massive size and bad choice of words, yet one could easily read what he was thinking.
Rad Brad asks, “So, what are you gonna do about this mistake, dude?”
Tex looks offended, “Mistake? No, no, no. I mean I have something already planned and you guys are just gonna love it. Tonight, anyone and I mean anyone on S.A.W.’s roster even if you have a match beforehand can compete in S.A.W.’s first ever ... Battle Royal!”
Most of the wrestlers seem to be warming up to the idea but it’s not unanimous until Tex adds, “The winner of the Battle Royal will get a shot at any title of their choice this Tuesday on the Cutting Edge! So each of you can get your chance at some gold, guar- ran-dam-teed!”
All the wrestlers cheer at this statement. Tex says as he cuts through the group, “Now I gotta go introduce the pay- per-view, good luck gentlemen.”
< Backstage >
Raoul is sitting in his dressing room watching the pre-recorded message.
“Varsity All-Stars, Thunder, the Rockstars, especially Rage, and the rest of them too, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. They all had a chance to assure their pay-per-view future weeks ago and blew it. Now they’re out there begging for crumbs. I thought Cashless was the only true bum around here. Pathetic!”
He turns off the monitor, “Now that announcement is good news for the truly gifted athlete here at S.A.W., me! Yes Raoul, the sexiest man in S.A.W. After I win the title tonight by beating … what’s his name, I’ll enter the battle royal and win that too. Then I will go on to the Cutting Edge and defeat whoever it is and win the world title, making history as the first true complete champion.
He leans back in his chair exposing a side shot of his muscular abs through his button-up shirt, “Finally, tonight not only will I reveal S.A.W.’s best t-shirt, mine, but also my music. No more of this pathetic pre T. V. music for my fans.” He looks back at the monitor and shakes his head, “Pathetic.”
< Buzz S.A.W. Pay Per View music plays >
That was Raoul and earlier was Tex Rich, the owner and creator of S.A.W. Sensational American Wrestling and I’m your host, Wil B. Creamin. Welcome live to the sold out Blamamo Bowl, here in San Antonio as we present the pay per view that’s the buzz all around the world, it’s Buzz S.A.W.! Our first ever pay-per-view. Tonight will be sensational, I guarantee it, and I’m not just talking about with me after the show but during the show also, because tonight we’ll have all the matches you fans have dreamed about. Bruno, the leader of the Brooklyn Bombers vs James “Boogie Down” Brown, Kaboom vs Mean Mike Ford in a last man standing, no DQ match, Bobby Rich vs Raoul the Latin Lover for the Americas title, the Dollar Dollar Bills vs Flaming Desire for the tag titles, yes, even the DDB’s are gonna actually wrestle tonight, Rick Rich vs The Stud for the heavyweight title. Also, just like bread crumbs when he’s eating a sandwich, straight from the owner's mouth, our first ever Battle Royal, in which anyone can enter and whoever wins will get a shot at any title they would like at the next Cutting Edge.
< Rich Inc’s music plays >
Well, I’ve said enough, but not our owner, as he heads down to the ring to conduct a formal ground breaking speech and an interview to kick off what will soon be known as the best P.P.V. ever! Coming to the ring, your hometown boy completed with white Texan hat, it’s the owner, it’s the creator, it’s ...Tex Rich!
< In Ring >
Tex’s home state crowd cheers him so long and loudly that Tex appears to be crying from happiness. Cyn applauds Tex as he bows to the crowd. After the noise lowers to a quiet roar and Tex has kinda gained some composure, “I did it! I’m home!”
The crowd erupts again. Once quieted again, Tex says. “Thank you, thank you all for showing up and thank you to all the fans around the world for making this night possible. This could not have happened without you. Thank you!”
He indulges himself with the cheers for a little bit longer, “Well, I want to get the best ever damn pay per view underway, so let’s let Cyn do her job and interview your hometown boy. Go for it Cyn!”
Cyn lifts her mic and she receives mixed crowd responses, “Thank you, Tex. Tonight is gonna be memorable and tonight history will be made. Tex, tell the people how it was that you came up with the idea of S.A.W. and what it took to get it to where it is, the number one show on WEBS.”
“Well Cyn, it started...”
All the lights in the arena cut off and so does the power to Tex’s mic. When the lights return, along with Tex’s mic, Dark Corners are posted at their usual corners with their usual unrevealing cloaks.
Tex is enraged, “What the hell? So you finally have the nerve to show up when I’m in the ring! And you dare show up here? Live in front of S.A.W.’s millions of fans? In my home state?!”
Dark Corners stand motionless like usual.
“Damn it, answer me! You’re not gonna ruin my dream! Cowards, come out from behind those cloaks!
Cyn adds, “Yeah, cowards!”
Once again the lights and mics cut off and when they return, Tex has been de-pantsed, exposing his cottage cheese thighs and happy face boxers. He’s lying on the mat with his hands and feet bound. As he flops around like a fish out of water, Cyn stands screaming as her dress has been removed and taken, leaving her in nothing but a bra and panties. She ignores Tex and there’s no sign of Dark Corners.
Tex can’t get to his feet and Cyn seems too shocked to leave the ring. The Dollar Dollar Bills run down to the ring. Big Tyme Billy covers her up with a jacket as the crowd boos his heroics. Big Shot unties Tex, who immediately pulls up his pants and grabs a mic, “Get those damn cameras off this ring! Go to another segment or something, now!”
Okay Tex. Well, I’m grateful that the camera turned off both those two in the ring. I mean, who hasn’t seen Cynthia like that before and who would want to see Tex like that? Not I! It did make for good entertainment. I mean, of all days to do this to Tex, there can’t be a worse day, or better day depending on how one looks at it...No comment. Well, at least they are finally getting out of the ring. Well, they say big shows bring out the big names and names don’t get much bigger than some of the celebrities here in attendance. There’s Jin Jun Katsuya, owner of Katsuya Cameras, the largest camera corporation in the world and just a few seats down from him is Trezelle Thomas, the high school basketball phenom. Scouts say he’s a guaranteed first overall pick and likely hall of famer and get this, he’s only a junior, in high school! Wow! He says he’s going to college regardless of what‘s offered.
Okay, now that all of Rich Inc are backstage, it’s time for our first match. Buzz S.A.W. is being brought to you by the company that brought you Fruit Booties candy, and in collaboration with WEBS and the XLB, comes Chocolate Bat and Balls. Each pack comes with one bat and two balls, and it’s our bat and balls that make us Xtreme! XLB’s Chocolate Bat and Balls.
< Brooklyn Bombers music plays >
It’s time to make history, our first pay per view match ever. Making his way to the ring, in a match that has been brewing since our first ever show, which makes it even more fitting to start off Buzz S.A.W. It’s the ghetto blaster, the Brooklyn master, representing the Brooklyn Bombers, it’s...Bruno!
< James “Boogie Down” Brown’s music plays >
His opponent in this historical match. Ever wonder why do the fans lo
ve him? It’s the moustache, it’s the tie dye pants, it’s the slang, it’s the afro, it’s James “Boogie Down” Brown!
< Match - Bruno vs BDB - Both wrestlers are wearing their new trademark t-shirts. Bruno’s “Do it Brooklyn Style” shirt and on the front of BDB’s shirt, it reads, “Boogie bout to get down” and on the back, “Can I get down?” A fast paced match at the start until Bruno caught BDB off guard and struck him down with a big boot. Bruno continued to pound BDB without any hint that he wants the pin fall. At one point after a powerful sit down power bomb, Bruno shoves BDB away instead of following up with a pin attempt. The crowd boos and Bruno flips them off. Bruno lands a few more moves then tries a pin attempt, which BDB barely kicked out. Bruno starts in on the ref about how it should have been a three count. Once done arguing, he turns around and he’s thumped by a standing dropkick, which doesn’t drop him but he staggers him. Bruno fires back with several forearms to BDB’s back, then lifts him and tries to Irish whip him but it’s reversed and he’s put into BDB’s finisher “Boogie Down Nights.” Bruno, fading fast, tries to use his leg strength to push both men into the corner, but at the last second, BDB released the hold and moved, sending Bruno back first into the corner. As Bruno stumbles forward, BDB re-locks his finisher in the middle of the ring. When Bruno is almost gone, the rest of the Brooklyn Bombers run to the ring to save their leader. BDB saw them coming and does a decent job of fighting them off, but eventually, sheer numbers overwhelm him. As the BB’s lift BDB to fling him toward Bruno, Thunder emerges from the back running to the ring with a chair. He clears the ring of the BB’s and stands over the downed BDB until the BB’s are headed backstage.
That was a great match to start Buzz S.A.W., despite the Bomber’s interference and it’s about time someone came out and helped BDB. I mean I would have but you see, I fell off a footstool last night then this one hot chick grabbed me by the, oh never mind, but I’m glad someone came to help him. I would have never guessed Thunder would be the one and from the looks on the Bombers faces they didn’t seem to think the 400 pounder would have either. Still a great match.
< Backstage - Parking Garage >
A jet black convertible Jaguar pulls to a stop. Rick Rich gets out and the crowd cheers. He’s in street clothes with a duffle bag. He heads toward the backstage dressing room.
Rick’s here and I know The Stud is here. Oh, I can’t wait! This will be their third title match and the first two were instant classics and I don’t expect anything less tonight. Well, with no commercial breaks and just sensational matches, let’s head into our next match, a title match.
< Raoul’s new music plays >
His new entrance music is kinda catchy. No, he didn’t just pause when the music paused and announce it’s really him. Man, is he full of himself. To tell the truth, I’m kinda starting to like his confidence a little, never thought I would admit that. Well, coming to the ring, with his new S.A.W. shirt “Women love me, men fear me,” it’s...Raoul “the Latin Lover!”
< Bobby Rich’s music plays >
The Americas champion. Coming to the ring, the only Rich champion ever in S.A.W. Hey Bobby, I want my twenty bucks for saying that. Ha! It’s the tough love recipient, the owner’s son, it’s ...Bobby Rich!
< Match - Bobby Rich vs Raoul “The Latin Lover” - Americas Championship match - Raoul underestimated Bobby’s abilities and it was evident by the look on Raoul’s face as Bobby easily controlled the first several minutes of the match. Unannounced, the Dollar Dollar Bills come down to the ringside and seemed to just be outside spectators until Bobby locked on his version of the finisher “A Little R&R.” Big Tyme Billy climbed on the apron and distracted the ref as Big Shot Bill deliver a big chair shot to Bobby’s back. The ref didn’t see it and after getting the pinfall victory, Raoul rolled out of the ring quickly and grabbed the belt. He creeped by the DDB’s with his eyes never leaving them as they stood outside the ring. Bobby, coming to, looks out at them and starts yelling that he wants them to come into the ring. They do and once inside the ring, Bobby can be heard clearly yelling, “Why in the hell did you interfere in my match?” Instead of answering him, the DDB’s start to laugh at him, and Bobby attacks both of them but he’s already so exhausted that it only takes a few seconds before they have him on the mat. The Rockstars come down to the ring and attack the DDB’s. As those pair fight, Bobby rolled out of the ring, and came back in with a chair and nails both the DDB’s sending Big Tyme to the arena floor. The RS look at each other, smile, then each climb opposite turnbuckles and execute their tag team finisher “Chart Drop” on the downed Big Shot. The RS and Bobby head backstage together as the DDB’s look PO’ed in the ring.>
< Backstage>
Gaby is on a phone and she’s upset. “Did you see what those hoes did to me?! Jumping me! When are you getting here? A contract?! Don’t worry about a contract. I got the juicy scoop that’s so huge, you’ll get your contract, just get your butt here, girl!”
Juicy scoop? Guaranteeing a contract? It has to be about Tex. What is Gaby up to? Some people just never learn. Did the Dollar Dollar Bills help Raoul win the title or Bobby lose it? Hmmm...Raoul looked like he didn’t trust them as he took off with the title belt, so I don’t know what’s going on, except that Bobby officially has problems with the DDB’s now. Also, it just so happens that even though the Rockstars don’t have a match tonight they were the first to do that finisher at our first ever pay per view, which the DDB’s claim the move is theirs. The DDB’s can’t be too happy about that.
< Kaboom’s Music Plays >
And it’s time for the brutality to begin. Coming to the ring for this no DQ last man standing match. The human powder keg, the train wreck waiting to happen, it’s ...Kaboom!
< Mean Mike Ford’s Music Plays >
And his opponent, the immovable object about to hit the unstoppable force, coming, no running to the ring, it’s ...Mean Mike Ford!
< Match - Kaboom vs Mean Mike Ford>- To call this a wrestling match would be unfair to the other matches of the night, this was a straight brawl, full of punches, kicks and chokes. Numerous times the match spilled to outside the ring. Mean Mike split open Kaboom early with a chain wrapped around his gloved hand. Later Kaboom returned the favor with MMF’s own chain, splitting him open also. This match lasted thirty minutes as neither man stayed down even after falling victim to each other’s finisher. Mean Mike puts Kaboom through a table in the middle of the ring and his eyes open wide when Kaboom makes it to his feet at the 9 count. Enraged, he charges over and plants a foot to Kaboom’s privates and executes not one, not two, but three consecutive tombstone pile drivers. Mean Mike stands leaning back against a corner as the ref counts to ten on the motionless Kaboom. MMF walks over and looks down at Kaboom whose eyes are open but still is motionless. Paramedics rush into the ring and start to check on Kaboom. MMF rolls out of the ring and heads backstage as the paramedics secure Kaboom to a gurney.
I am speechless, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more vicious ending to a match. Three tombstone pile drivers? I pray that Kaboom is gonna be okay. That could have been career ending. His eyes were open but he didn’t seem as if he could move. I was afraid something like this would happen between those two. The crowd is silent as our hopes and prayers are with Kaboom. Even the celebrities in attendance are shocked. There’s Jimmy “The Natural Hack”, he looks stunned and this is a man, who outlasted highly trained military personnel, in a survivor type reality show with nothing but a solar powered lap top. Even Mrs. Fairbanks, owner of Fairbanks Cookies looks worried and she runs a multi-billion dollar corporation. Wow, I still can’t believe Mean Mike did three consecutive Tombstones, one might have been enough, two would have for sure, but was three necessary? It’s a class act by the fans here applauding for Kaboom as they wheel him backstage for more medical attention. I hope this pay-per-view isn’t historical for bad reasons. Man, I’m speechless...
< Flaming Desire’s Music Plays >
Well, now
that KaBoom’s in the hand of trained professionals and getting the best possible treatment, it’s time for our tag team championship match. First the challengers, on their way to the ring, it’s Francis A. Gaines, it’s Gregory A. Young, it’s.....Flaming Desire!
< Dollar Dollar Bill’s Music Plays >
Here comes the champions. Making their first title defense and actually debuting in their first tag team match ever. Yeah, only at S.A.W. It’s Big Tyme Billy and Big Shot Bill, it’s...the Dollar Dollar Bills!
Oh yuck! I hope they censored that! Whoa! Gotta stay away from the crack. Ha! Looks like Flaming Desire was assed out, but....they bare-ly lost. Will they just turn the other cheek or with this be the end....of their title hopes? Ha! Don’t worry if you didn’t get it, I got a million of them but...I won’t make an ass of myself or ass...ume anything before all the facts are bared and out in the open. Ha! Even the DDB’s are smiling at the replay as they head backstage but I have to say, they do look too exhausted to laugh and Flaming Desire, who are still in the ring, definitely aren’t laughing. I don’t think this is over by any means. Well, the DDB’s did prove they deserved the belts and looked pretty impressive proving it. Well, it’s time for some interviews with the heavyweight champion, The Stud and the challenger Rick Rich. See you in a few.
The Stud, in a star-studded robe, is standing next to the very intimidating Crowd Control. Mike Stopsign is standing by and wearing a Buzz S.A.W shirt. “Tonight, is the night that legends will be made. Tonight, is a historical night. Stud, any historical words?”
“First, The Stud and Crowd Control would like to thank all the fans here and around the world for helping us make this night possible. Without you, there would be no S.A.W”
He pauses as the crowd cheers can be heard backstage, “Now on to business. Tex and Dork Inc, tonight will be a historical night. A night that no one in Dork Inc or around the world will soon forget. A night that The Stud proves once and for all, that I am the better man and that Rick couldn’t hold my jock if it was glued to his hand. So just remember, whether is Show’s Over or Light’s Out, The Stud will win the bout!”
The Stud and Crowd Control walk off.
“Thank you, Stud. Now, we head over to the challenger Rick Rich. Go ahead Cyn.” says Stopsign.
Cyn and Tex are standing by Rick who looks as calm as usual. Cyn asks, “Well Rick, those were harsh words by that one guy you’re facing tonight. Any comments?”
Rick gets ready to speak but Tex cuts him off, “He’s gonna eat those words and my son Rick’s boots before the night is over and those boots are gonna look chocolate covered if you know what I mean. My other son, Bobby, had to learn the tough way that I get the results that I want. No matter the cost or means and soon The Stud will understand this. Tonight, my son Rick will be the only true champion in the Rich Family. Well Cyn, it’s time for us to go. You might want to stay with us in case those preverted freaks show up again. Do you have any problem staying with us until the show’s over?”
Cyn looks at Rick and smiles, he doesn’t notice, “Would I ever? Of course!”
“Good, well, we gotta move.”
They all walk off together.
Schoooooo-chie! Rick didn’t even seem to notice the goo-goo eyes she was giving him. Too bad for Rick, that might not be the only thing she’ll end up giving him, if you know what I mean. Ha! Also what’s up with the statement they made? I had a good feeling that Tex was behind the Dollar Dollar Bills interfering in Bobby’s match, but I wasn’t certain cause you can never tell with the DDB’s. Well, guess who’s been holding out on some good exciting news until the right moment? That’s right, me! Well, since we have a moment. Let me tell you all about it. Well with the firing of Simon and until we find a replacement, I’ll continue doing interviews but on my own show! Yes, I will have my own segment in which I will get deeper and deeper and deeper. I just love hearing that word. Ha! Well anyways, I will get to conduct more in depth interviews with one superstar every Cutting Edge. I even get to name it myself and I know all of you will love the name of the segment. It will be called, “If I Wil it, they Wil come.” The damn sensors made me spell it c.o.m.e. but I guess that’ll work. Well, I guess we need to go backstage for something. Hmm....
Standing outside a locker room, the Flying Jalapeno and a seductively dressed, dark haired woman are talking Spanish. Every so many words, the Flying J appears to nod in agreement. With the camera to her back, they continue to talk until the Flying J notices the camera. He opens the locker room door and they both step inside, shutting the door behind them.
Was that Rick’s stalker? Looked like her from behind but is she bilingual? Is she now a Flying Jalapeno fan? Naw, it probably ain’t the same woman. I mean this one is dressed like oh la la, while the other was more like oh wow wow. Now I wish I would have paid more attention to the stalker’s butt before, but I was spacing out on everything else that was happening. You know the Wil-ster doesn’t forget a face or a waist, Ha! That woman with the Flying Jalapeno has more curves than those car commercials’ closed driving course. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Ha! Anyways, we have a little time to kill as all the names are being gathered for the big battle royal! Everyone had a chance to sign up on Tex’s door and time’s up. The names are being made legible for the announcer, special guest announcer that is. Heather Davenport, the superstar actress and super model. I’m glad she is here because as we know great penmanship is not a requirement of pro wrestling and you can just imagine how someone like Rage would write his name. Whoa! Look who else we got here in attendance. It’s the multi-platinum superstar B.A. Savage and the Miracle. Oh I just love all their stuff, and the Miracle is soooooo hot! I believe in miracles, you sexy thang, sexy thang you!
< Buzz S.A.W.’s theme music plays >
It’s time for the Battle Royal! With the stakes being a title shot this Tuesday on the Cutting Edge, almost all the wrestlers on the roster signed up. Twenty of S.A.W.’S superstars will be in the ring at the same time. The rules to a Battle Royal are simple, last person in the ring wins. You’re eliminated by being tossed over the top rope, and touching the ring floor. And thanks to the now legible entry list, which I was just handed by Dana Day, a stagehand, I want my fifty before the show’s over too, Day. Anyway, I can tell you my personal shockers on this list. Don’t worry, I know some of the wrestlers are making their way to the ring as I speak but it doesn’t start until all the twenty competitors are in the ring.
The biggest shocker, Nat McMiller,said before that she came here to wrestle and she’s proving it, but I don’t like her chances when she’s gonna be in the ring with the next surprise entry, Crowd Control! Yes, The Stud’s body guard! What happens if he wins the Battle Royal, which he’s my favorite, would he go after The Stud’s belt if he wins? Crazy, And what about Bobby entering? He’s gotta be exhausted. And some other wrestlers are doing double duty to enter, but at least they have someone in their corner, like Brooklyn Bombers or Flaming Desire, so they have someone looking out for their back, but Bobby’s all alone.
Well,here are the rest of the entries and we gotta be close to the start of the match as the ring is pretty full. Nat’s so cute, she’s smiling and doesn’t look one bit intimidated despite her size disadvantaged with almost everyone else. Anyways, the other entries, Nathan ‘Unique’ Taylor, Bruno, Bruce, Bubba, Butch, Rage, Rad Brad, Far Out Phil, Frances and Greg, Thunder, Lightning, Chad and Brad Keeble, Charles Choker, Cashless Clayton, Mikeal, and the Flying Jalapeno.
Hey, now that's everyone in the ring, let’s get ready to rummm....Fight! Hey, I’m not trying to get sued.
< Battle Royal >
Nat managed to do pretty well despite her size, because most of the other wrestlers seemed to ignore her until she put a fist to their face. Early in the match she managed to eliminate Brad Keeble by pulling down the top rope as he was bouncing off of it. Chad Keeble tried to avenge his brother by flinging her over the top rope. He thinks she’s eliminated and goes on with the match, b
ut she landed on the ring apron on her feet and when he bounces off the rope, she pulled down the top rope again, causing him to fall out also. Both the brothers pout together as they leave the ring area. Her big mistake was trying to attack Crowd Control. He easily press slams her over the top rope. One of the outside refs braced her fall, accidentally, but both were okay. Right before Nat goes backstage, she turns around to give the crowd a bow for their constant cheers as she exited. She’s hit in the back with a steel chair by Karrie. As the crowd boos, Karrie yells at the downed Nat, “See what you did?! I’m so tired of everyone picking on my brothers!” Kerrie walks off. Nat manages to get to her feet only to receive yet another chair shot, this time from Ivana, who emerged unnoticed from backstage. Ivana stands over the downed Nat with her arms and chair raised in a victory pose. That is, until Gaby, unannounced hits her with a chair shot sending her down the walkway a few feet. As Ivana gets to her knees, Gaby delivers another chair shot, this time to her face, laying her out cold, Nat who had just managed to get to her knees, receives the same treatment. Gaby goes backstage as the paramedics come out to check on the two downed ladies.
Bobby was the tenth wrestler remaining when Bruno eliminated him. As Bobby stands outside the ring, he starts talking to himself, “I can’t lose, no! You took everything, dad! I have nothing left… but Lucille. Yeah, I’ll go get Lucille, she’ll talk some sense into everyone, yeah, Lucille will!” Then he heads backstage with a sinister look on his face.
Bruno and BDB eliminated each other at the same time and fight all the way up the walkway until security separated them.
Bruce, Bubba and Butch all triple teamed Thunder and managed to eliminate the big man but he took Butch with him.
The last two remaining wrestlers was Crowd Control and Rage. It ended in a brawl like most of the action in this Battle Royal. Rage tried to kick CC but CC grabbed his foot and Rage countered with a back brain kick. This dropped CC to one knee and as he was trying to shake off the cobwebs, when Rage grabs him from behind and tried to execute his finisher “Migraine” but before he can drop big Double C on his head, CC used his impressive strength to straighten up and lift the shocked Rage into a military press and tossed him over the top rope for the victory.>
Crowd Control won the whole thing! And that must have taken a lot of strength to lift Rage, a 250 plus man, up from that position! And what a good showing by Rage, actually by all the S.A.W. superstars! That battle royal was simply sensational! And now, what’s in store for the big Double C now? Will he go after Raoul’s belt? I would hate to be in Raoul’s shoes. And I would hate to be anyone who has to face this monster and what are The Stud and Rick thinking? He might want the Heavyweight title. What if The Stud wins tonight, would he wrestle his own bodyguard? Oh man, I’m excited for Tuesday today! But first, I still have to finish tonight. I don’t think I can handle all this excitement plus what I have planned after the show. I don’t want to fall off a footstool again.
Wow, looks like I won’t have time to catch my breath! Hey, that’s what the lady that stayed with me last night said, and she said it again this morning, her and her four friends, baby! Yeah! And speaking of four friends, looks like Rick’s bringing four friends. Rich Inc, along with Cynthia, are accompanying Rick to the ring. Well anyways, coming to the ring with the misfit version of YMCA, it’s the challenger, the number one contender, it’s…Rick Rich!
There he is fans, your heavyweight champion of the world. Accompanied by his bodyguard, the winner of our first ever battle royal, Crowd Control. It’s the charismatic, the athletic, the ladies love…DeMarco “The Stud” Jackson!
“This was one of my good days”
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