by FJ Campbell
‘But what’s in the letter? She says I have to give it to you and we have to read it together. What does she say in the letter?’
Milo opened it up and read aloud to Edward.
Dear Milo,
Enclosed is the phonecard I promised you. Thanks so much, you saved my life that day! You were so kind. I’m sorry if I gave you a shock, looking so bedraggled and weepy.
I wanted to give you both an explanation as to what happened to me in the summer term. Edward deserves to know the truth, even though Mummy doesn’t agree, and you… well, you might be wondering why I’m involving you… I know, from that day by the phones, and also from what Edward has told me about you, that you are a lovely, kind person and also very sensible and trustworthy. My brother is absolutely the most wonderful person in the world, but he has a terrible temper. So I wanted to tell him the truth, but also ensure that he has a friend at school who can perhaps look out for him a bit, stop him losing it completely and doing something he’ll regret later. Milo, will you do this for us, please?
I was together with a boy from your year, Milo, he’s called Zachary Smythe. I think you know him, he’s in the rugby team too. He and I are in love (I know you’ll say I’m too young to use a word like that, but it’s true). We want to spend our lives together, and however people try to keep us apart, we won’t accept it, we’ll find a way.
We did, however, make a terrible mistake, which I have since paid the price for. I found out at the end of the summer term that I was pregnant. Zack was so lovely, he helped me to make some difficult decisions, and Mummy was in agreement with him, hence the trip to Sweden, where we went to terminate the pregnancy, far away from anyone who might know Daddy. I was terrified and so upset, but I knew it was the right thing to do.
Darling Milo, darling Edward, I feel so much better now you know. Edward, we have never had any secrets, and I hope that you understand why I wanted to tell you but couldn’t. It has been the most difficult time of my life. And being apart from Zack is making it worse.
And now, my final request to you both – you cannot mention this to anyone! Please listen to me. Zack must continue at The Island, he must be allowed to get his A Levels and succeed at school. You must leave him be, both of you. And nobody should know about us, because if they do, he’ll probably be expelled. I have to be able to rely on you two, otherwise every dream he and I had about our future will be wrecked.
Please consider what I’ve asked, and Milo, Edward can tell me your decision at the weekend when I see him at home.
Lots of love to you both,
Bonnie
Milo, faltering a few times, stumbling over some of the words, had read the letter from start to finish without looking up. Now Edward watched his hands fold the letter back into its envelope. He put it on the table and they both stared at it.
Edward’s whole world collapsed. He supposed he’d known in his heart of hearts that Bonnie had been pregnant. But to have it in writing, black and white, from his sweetest, dearest sister – he felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. His head fell forwards onto his hands.
And now he had a name: Zack Smythe.
Bonnie and Zack. Zack and Bonnie. That was the enigma: she’d been pregnant, had an abortion. Their parents keeping her close, keeping her apart from Zack. That was what everyone in the school wanted to know.
Edward was devastated. All of his life he had tried to do the right thing, for himself and for his family, and especially for Bonnie; to be a good older brother, a good son. The path that he had always taken, that he wanted to take for the rest of his life, through school, university, to the law, was carefully laid out for him. Now it felt threatened because of Bonnie, who was a child when she and Zack had had sex together. Because of Zack, who had ruined her innocence.
Edward looked up at Milo, trying to hold back the angry tears brimming in his eyes, his hands clenched into white fists. Their eyes met. He said, ‘I’m going to beat the living daylights out of him.’
‘I’m with you on that one. But… what about Bonnie? What’s it going to do to her, if you ignore her request? Don’t we have to at least try to do what she asks?’
Edward stared at him, trembling with anger. ‘Do you seriously believe that he loves my sister? Is that likely, given that it’s Zack Smythe we’re talking about?’
‘Not sure. It’s true, he doesn’t usually stick with the same girl for long. But Bonnie is special. Perhaps Zack is in love with her. Perhaps she’s the one. I certainly haven’t seen him with anyone else this term. He’s been quieter than usual, less of a show-off. Perhaps he’s just as much in love with her as she is with him. They say with guys like that, when they find the right one, they stop…’ He tailed off. Edward wanted to believe him. Milo was a good man. He would always be honest.
*
They sat in silence. Milo thought Edward looked reassured by his speech. He couldn’t lie outright to his friend, but he also couldn’t bring himself to tell him all of the truth. Edward had probably heard the rumours about Zack, about all the girls he went through, how he charmed them, slept with them, then moved on to the next one. That was common knowledge. It was less likely that Edward knew the sordid details that Zack reserved for the rugby team, the really bad stuff. Milo hated to listen to it; it made him feel sick and he’d put a stop to it now that he was captain. But last year, Zack had boasted how he and a group of other boys were ticking off girls’ names on the School List each time they had sex with one who was a virgin. Edward did not need to know about the Virgin List.
To break the silence, Milo made another pot of tea and fetched the chessboard, knowing that it would distract his friend from his grief. While they were playing, Milo told Edward what he knew about Zack’s family, and also about how clever and talented he was, sticking to the positives. Edward finally agreed that if it was in Bonnie’s best interests to keep the secret, he would do it. Milo could only agree.
Milo knew Zack well, not just from rugby, and of all the boys in the school he could have chosen for Edward’s sister, this one would’ve been the last in line. What was Bonnie thinking, to get involved with someone like him? She surely must be mistaken to think he loved her. And how did Zack manage, time and time again, to hoodwink these girls? OK, so he was charming and charismatic. He was the most confident person Milo knew. And, when he wanted to be, he was totally focused. Sweet little Bonnie wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Milo sighed.
They played and talked until lunchtime, when Milo was expected to eat with the team in the dining hall before the match began at two o’clock. As they walked back up the drive towards the school, Edward pulled out the other envelope, the one with the poem.
‘This came for me today too. I think it’s from Beth Atkinson. You’re friends with her, aren’t you – what’s it all about, do you think? Is it a joke?’
Milo was startled at the sound of Elizabeth’s name, but opened the small note and read the poem. He felt the heat rise up in his face as he mumbled, ‘Yes, it’s her writing.’ He tried to smile. ‘Sounds like you’ve got a date for the ball.’ He handed it back, and was relieved to see the red brick of the school through the trees in front of them. ‘Sorry, I’m late, I’ve got to hurry. Bye.’ He broke into a jog and didn’t look back.
*
In the dining hall, the rugby boys were sitting, ready for the game in their Weatherbury Hall tracksuits, at the table nearest to the food hatch – the same one where they’d sat on the first evening of term to judge the new girls. Milo sat down at the opposite end to where Zack was sitting, next to Guy, and ate his pasta quickly, forcing a smile and joining in with the chatter and the banter as much as he could. He had to put this morning out of his mind, the Bonnie-and-Zack business and the idiotic poem from Elizabeth, if he was going to concentrate on the match.
The team left the dining hall together and made their way to the sports pavilion, a white wooden building next to the pitch, for a pre-match chat and warm-up. As they
clattered along the driveway, they passed Elizabeth and Livvy. Elizabeth smiled at Milo and mouthed, Good luck, and immediately the rest of the team burst into laughter and wolf-whistles. She tossed her hair back and strode off haughtily. Milo blushed and told them all to shut up.
‘What does Atkinson see in you, West?’ shouted Billy or Jake. ‘You’re just some great fat farmer and she is a fucking gorgeous piece of arse.’
Someone else joined in, ‘She is so fuckable. She’s got the best legs in the school.’
‘Are you gay? Forget her legs. Look at her tits. Milo, has she ever let you feel her tits?’
Milo, reddening again, this time in anger, warned them, ‘Right, enough, stop it now. Stop talking about her like that. Shut up and stop being so fucking disgusting. Next person I hear talking like that about Elizabeth Atkinson can sit on the bench for the rest of the season.’
He was furious with these idiots. He would never talk about girls like that, especially someone like Elizabeth, who had never led any of them to believe she was interested. Ever since she’d arrived at the school, he’d heard what they said about her, and read the graffiti in the boys’ loos and seen the odds that were being given for which boy (including him) would sleep with her first. He was furious with her too, but he couldn’t figure out why. Why did she have to be so beautiful that she attracted the attention of boys like this? And in the back of his mind, he knew that she had written that note to Edward, who wasn’t a boy like that, who wasn’t an idiot or disgusting and who would treat her well. The Markhams were important people, Edward was rich and he was everything that Milo wasn’t, and Milo was furious with himself too, because he was bitterly jealous of his friend Edward Markham.
CHAPTER 7
That afternoon, Edward and his father avoided the subject of Bonnie on the drive down to Cornwall. At a tense family dinner, Bonnie talked too much and too quickly, and their parents listened, trying to hide their worries behind fake smiles, while Edward steered the conversation away from anything to do with Weatherbury Hall.
After dinner, Bonnie and Edward went upstairs to her room, and Edward told her that he and Milo would follow her wishes. He felt too tired to be angry. He couldn’t even bear to tell her how much he disapproved of Zack. Bonnie thanked him with a hug and left her room to go and run a bath.
A few minutes later, the front doorbell rang, and Edward heard the muffled voice of his father answering it. A question, another question; it was too far away to hear what was being said. He felt uneasy and hurried through Bonnie’s open bedroom door towards the stairs. His father was still standing at the front door, and beyond him, framed by the light at the doorway, was Zack.
His father was explaining, ‘We’ve been through this on the phone; you’re not to see her. She’s too young, and she’s been through so much, thanks to you. She needs some time away from you.’
‘Sir, I’m awfully sorry not to have called first, only I was in Cornwall with friends this afternoon and I wanted to see her, very quickly, to say hello.’
Edward thought he saw his father relenting, moving backwards, as if to let Zack in.
‘No, it’s not possible, she’s asleep,’ Edward called out as he reached the hallway.
‘Oh, hullo, Edward, I didn’t see you there. Is she really asleep? It’s only 9.30.’ Edward thought he saw a flicker of annoyance in Zack’s smooth face, his eyes hardening and then adjusting back to their cool, unflappable gaze. ‘It’s just, as I was explaining to your father, I was in the area and thought, what harm could it do to say hello? I know she’d be pleased to see me.’
Mr Markham looked at Zack and back to his son. Edward realised in that instant that his mother hadn’t told his father about the pregnancy.
‘I’ll sort this out. Please leave us alone for a moment.’
His father nodded and returned to the living room. Edward waited until he was out of earshot. He stepped up to Zack.
‘Bonnie’s told me everything. She wants you to leave her alone. She’s trying to forget you ever happened.’
‘I don’t believe you. She said on the phone she’d be here; we had an arrangement.’
‘Well, she’s changed her mind. She said to say goodbye and give you this.’ From out of his jacket pocket he pulled a delicate silver watch with an inscription on the back – You walk in beauty – and dropped it into the silent air between them.
Zack caught it, a look of fury on his rigid face. ‘You’re lying, Markham.’
‘You’d know, since you’re so good at it. Leave my sister alone.’
Zack spat, ‘This is not the end’, and stalked away.
*
When Edward returned to school late on Sunday evening, he wanted to find Milo in the sixth-form common room. Along the cellar corridor, he stepped over pupils sitting on the floor, and passed more hanging around in doorways, chatting, playing cards, listening to a ghetto blaster that was hastily turned down when they saw him approach. The common room was packed, music blaring from the speakers, the sofas spilling over with people. He stopped at the doorway, scanning the faces for Milo in the semi-darkness.
He took a few steps into the room and stopped when he saw Beth sitting at the far end, next to two girls he didn’t know. Edward moved away from the doorway and positioned himself half behind a pillar near the bar, unnoticed by most people in the room, all busy with their friends and their own conversations. He watched Beth intently for the first time: her dark, shining hair, her perfect profile, her long neck and pale throat. Before now, he hadn’t put much thought into what was and wasn’t attractive in a girl. But surely she was attractive? His eyes were glued to her, drinking her in.
Edward didn’t know how long he stood there, staring at her, but in the distance a bell rang for everyone to return to their houses. He slipped out before the crowd, ashamed of his behaviour, but having made up his mind: tomorrow he would find Beth and accept her invitation to the ball.
*
Edward slept badly that night, thinking with sadness about Bonnie and anger about Zack, and in amongst those feelings was something new and confusing about Beth that he couldn’t understand or put a name to. He dreamt about her and woke on Monday morning, unnerved by the strength of his reaction and ashamed of his lack of control. Sluggishly, he showered and dressed, breakfasted, and made his way through the day, half asleep, distracted, thrown out of his normal routine and unsettled by his conflicting emotions.
When he thought about Beth, he sensed a connection between them. She had felt it too, otherwise why would she have asked him to the ball? It would be easy to talk to her, just like talking to his sister. He was excited and nervous as he sought her out in the evening. She wasn’t in the library or in the common room – where could she be?
It was dark outside, the rain pelting down on the windows, when he headed back upstairs to check the main corridor. There she was, sitting on a chair opposite Milo, who was writing while she talked. Milo’s back was to Edward, but Beth saw Edward as soon as he saw her. No going back now. He took a deep breath and a step forward. Milo, who had finished what he was writing, glanced up at Beth and, seeing her staring over his shoulder, looked back too and saw Edward approaching.
Edward lost his nerve. He nodded at Beth and Milo and continued walking, almost tripping over his own shoes in his hurry to pass them. The time it took him to reach the stairs at the other end of the corridor was endless. He felt ridiculous. What a fool he was making of himself.
*
November turned into December and still Edward hadn’t summoned up the courage to speak to Beth. He watched her from afar, never daring to approach her, never finding the right words. To him, she was a perfect girl – beautiful, vivacious and always in the centre of every circle. Now he was paying attention, he heard everyone speak about her, pupils and teachers, everyone interested in what she said and did.
It wasn’t his fault – he was dazzled by her and he felt alive for the first time in his life, flooded with a light and warmth he hadn�
��t felt since Bonnie had left school. These feelings were new to him, and he couldn’t know that the object of his devotion was not always perfect. Sometimes, Beth was stubborn and moody. She always refused to apologise, even if she knew she was wrong. She could be condescending and nasty to Livvy, her best friend. Edward never saw that Beth. Nor did he see her when she woke up in the mornings, before she’d had time to wash her hair and put on her expensive and flattering clothes. Or squeeze and cover with make-up a spot that appeared on her forehead, without fail, every month, the day before her period started.
It worried him that he couldn’t get close to her, to speak to her and also to make the arrangements for going to the ball together. It was going to be after the final rugby match of the season, the Saturday before school broke up for Christmas. But he knew she’d be at the match along with everyone else, watching Milo and the other boys, so he saw his chance and followed the crowd down towards the pitch after lunch that Saturday.
It was a bright, bitingly cold afternoon, everyone wrapped up in hats and scarves and as many layers as they could find. Edward saw her ahead of him, wearing brown boots, a long coat and a dark red hat. Her school scarf muffled her face, but she was easy to spot: taller than most of the others and her long, dark hair was in a loose pigtail down her back, swinging as she strolled along. He followed at a distance and, as everyone took their places around the edge of the pitch, stamping their feet and clapping their hands together, he found a gap on the opposite side, so he could watch her.
The teams jogged out onto the pitch, BJ making a big show of how cold it was to be playing in shorts. The game began and Weatherbury, Milo in particular, were annihilating the team from Sherton Abbas school. A minute before half-time the score was 23-0. Edward left his place and skirted unseen around the edge of the crowd, which was distracted by a winger speeding up to score another try for Weatherbury. Everyone was shouting and clapping in excitement and jumping up and down, trying to keep warm. Beth didn’t see him until he was right behind her. The half-time whistle blew.